My 2016 presidential announcement

My 2016 presidential announcement

Today I will be making my presidential announcement regarding the 2016 Election.

This is not the same as my making my decision. That will come later. Today is just my announcement.

I have been mulling a run, if navel gazing while drinking a soda counts as mulling.

I would campaign in South Carolina, Nevada and Florida, but not in Iowa or New Hampshire after Labor Day. I hate cold weather.

I would actually skip Iowa and Nevada Caucuses because I hate committee meetings.

I may have some bimbo eruptions, and I have not decided if I will be creating any new ones in the next few months. If I am, and I still ran, that would make me selfish enough…well, to be a presidential candidate actually.

I would form an exploratory committee, but again, I really hate committees.

I have been consulting with experts, if by experts I mean my friends and if by consulting I mean talking politics with them while watching the ballgame.

I am prepared to promise everything and deliver nothing or promise nothing and deliver everything, whichever sounds better and more believable. Maybe I will deliver less than nothing in keeping with our deficits.

Whatever the issue, I am against it or in favor of it, but most likely choose not to discuss it.

I would not have paid staff. I would run a true grassroots campaign, which I have been told is code for having no popular support.

As for my economic plan, I do not need one. The Wall Street Journal editors really do know everything.

My foreign policy would be about blowing up bad guys and lots of chest thumping. I would hire “The Expendables” to handle this.

There are no naked pictures of me online because when I looked in the mirror a few years back I realized “nobody wants to see this.”

Anyway, I may just flip a coin to make my decision, but I think I know which way I am leaning.

Again, I am much closer to an official decision than I was before, but for now things are still in the announcement stage.

This concludes my announcement. Like all of you, I await my decision.


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