My 2015 Christmas Eve Message

My 2015 Christmas Message

12 Pizza Rolls

11 Coke bottles

10 Bags of chips

9 Slim Jims

8 Donuts

7-Eleven holiday shopping done!

As a proud Jew, I would like to wish a Merry Christmas to every Christian in this world I am privileged to know.

While my knowledge of Christianity is little, my appreciation of the faith runs wide and deep. Anything that teaches people to love thy neighbor is good with me.

So may your Christmas be peaceful, emotionally and spiritually fulfilling, and filled with love.

I even wish a Merry Christmas to San Diego Chargers fans, but nothing beyond that.

Unless the Oakland Raiders win tonight, I take back everything I said and offer lumps of coal for everybody. The fate of Christmas depends on devout Christian and Oakland Raiders quarterback Derek Carr. 

I would wish a Happy Festivus for the Rest of Us, but apparently I have been banned from Festivus celebrations since every day of my existence is an airing of my grievances.

So may it be a Silver and Black Thursday night for me and a Merry Christmas for everyone else.

Dear Santa, help good Christian Oakland Raiders quarterback Derek Carr have a great night and deliver a Raiders win!

To gangsta rap fans, a Merry Crunkmas. May your holiday be filled with more ho ho hos than a Snoop Dogg video. May your Christmas be crunk and your girl have plenty of junk in the trunk.

To quote comedian Anthony Clark, to all atheists, “Well, I hope you win the lottery dude.”

For my fellow capitalists, while it’s too late for X-Mas and New Years Eve, Martin Luther King Jr. Day shoppers can still buy my books “Ideological Lunacy” & “Jewish Lunacy” in time for MLK Day. They make great MLK Day gifts.

To Jews I forgot to wish a Happy Hanukkah, consider this my belated well wishes.

For Jews, tonight is the biggest party night of the year. Hot Republican Jewish brunettes await.

Happy 2016 in advance. Good night and God bless us every one.

eric @ Tygrrrr Express

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