Gorgeous, naked, and totally useless

Despite being a creature of radio, I decided to allow the world to see my fine quality mug. I bought a webcam. After seeing my smiling face and waving at myself for about 10-15 seconds, I realized that the purpose of this device was so that others could see me. Given that my chances of figuring out something technological on my own are about as likely as sleeping with all the Desperate Housewives at once (actually more likely once I buy the Housewives’ doll figurines), I searched and searched today for someone to help me set up my webcam so that others could view me.

My friends today fell into two categories…technologically challenged and available, and technologically brilliant and busy. These brilliant technophiles (not to be confused with pedophiles, technophiles stick their hardware into computer inputs for a technical sensation) kept asking me if I was aware my webcam came with a cd. I said I did, and they then shrugged.

While watching the game with a friend today, one of those brilliant (read: bizarre) ideas came to me. Since I needed help installing a webcam, why not contact people who were experts specifically with webcams and obtain their help. This led me to the erotica section of Craigslist, which apparently contains the largest supply of women using technology to benefit society.

While sifting through the ads, I had to find the ones that specifically understood webcams. Most of the women were hookers, masseuses, dominatrixes, phonesex operators, and other women that make me pray my future wife will only give birth to sons. These women were gorgeous and naked, but they were at that moment totally useless to me. Besides, they slowed up the process because 5-10 seconds of gawking time was added to each ad sifted through. One of the reasons I have never been into cybersex was because I did not have Norton Anti-virus virus protector, and I did not wish to catch a computer virus. Phonesex seemed dicey because I did not exactly know where the phone was supposed to go, and did not really wish to find out.

Finally I found the webcam girls. I sent them each a simple, pleasant message stating that I would happily pay them for the price of a “show,” but that they did not have to do the show. This confused them, MIT scientists that they were (Yet they probably make more money than me, and can figure out how to set up a webcam. If Henny Youngman were alive, he would ask them to wash his car and paint his house). I told them that I just wanted help setting up my webcam, and the price of their show was cheaper than calling in the Geek Squad from Best Buy.

Some were threatened by potential competition until I stated that I was a heterosexual guy who only wanted to use his webcam for g-rated purposes (time will tell if that last part was truthful). Others offered me a monthly pass to see hundreds of girls. Between Jdate, Eharmony, and Republicansingles.com, I really did not have time to view any more women, even if they were naked. I just wanted help setting up my webcam.

I always assumed until today that hot naked women could not be useless. The irony that women who make a living using their webcam would take my money to view them naked for 2 1/2 hours but not allow me to see them fully dressed for the 15-30 minutes it takes to explain 5 minute concepts to me was mindboggling.

My political career is in ruins, assuming these women save instant messages. I could just picture being in a senate hearing room being grilled by democratic drunk drivers, Klansmen and plagiarizers, and explaining to them that I was not seeking internet sex from women whose sole business purpose is to deliver internet sex. I could wag my finger at America and say “Yes, I contacted internet sex providers, but I neither sought nor had sex with any of them.” Besides, internet sex is not sex…unless it is.

Later on that night one of my friends pointed out to me that the problem was not my technology, but the technology of my friends. They did not have the updated aol instant messenger that allows for video viewing. We chatted by computer for 5 minutes, and he saw my face and heard my voice. It was spectacular.

My next goal is to be able to get my webcam to be viewable on my blog, which I think has something to do with websites and servers. While I have no idea what I just said, it is apparently doable. Hopefully the world will one day soon see me on my webcam and ooh and ahh at my ability to wave hello at people while watching tv and drinking soda.

All I know is that when I need help with something that requires intellect and technical know how, I will not bother asking hot, naked women offering hot steamy sex. They are simply totally useless for anything outside their skill set.

As the night winds down and I get ready for bed, I think that I spent so much time getting my webcam up and running that I did not devote enough time today to my favorite pursuit…women. It is so hard finding a hot girl to get me laid. Where does a guy find hot girls looking for someone? I could only think of one place…Jdate!

I may not have learned anything from this experience, but I have something that only hot, naked and useless women are talented enough to have…a working webcam.


2 Responses to “Gorgeous, naked, and totally useless”

  1. Ron says:

    This may go down as one of the funniest blog entries in the history of cyberspace. Seriously, as the friend who witnessed these events taking place, I wouldn’t have believed it unless I saw it for myself.

    If there are any people who are, or know of, any writers in TV, this could be a great idea for an episode. Could you imagine an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry gets a webcam and George, Elaine and Kramer all take turns trying to fix it to no avail. Finally, SoupNazi comes to the rescue and fixes it. That would make for an Emmy nominated episode.

    Anyway, all kidding aside, have a blast in South Florida and good luck trying to top this blog entry!


  2. Shooter says:

    I’m still contemplating the phone sex line.

    It takes me back to the old line that went something like…”I used to like oral sex until I started paying the phone bills.”

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