THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

I posted this ad on Craigslist. Women are making tons of money selling their talents, so I decided to advertise mine. The results have been less than stellar. Below is my solicitation to the women of the world.

DEUCE BIGALOW

Inspired by the movie “Deuce Bigalow,” but too tired after a hard day’s work to do anything about it, for only $50, you will be allowed to WATCH ME WATCH TV.

That’s right ladies, WATCH ME WATCH TV.

Now some of you out their might wonder why any woman would pay me to WATCH ME WATCH TV. Here are some reasons:

1.)      Your own tv is broken or you have roommates who monopolize it.

2.)   You are doing a research paper on primitive male primate behavior.

3.)   Your existence is even more exciting than mine.

4.)   You want to make your man jealous without doing anything regrettable.

5.)  I can be highly entertaining when watching tv, especially when news commentators say something dumb or referees make a bad call.

From 7pm to midnight, I will watch news, sports, Law and Order reruns, capping the night off with Letterman’s monologue up to and including the top 10 list.

If you have sexual needs that you want fulfilled, I can brag about what I would do with you if I was not so exhausted from work, given that I have an intense desk job.

I can surf the internet while watching tv, and you can watch me stare at women that I would invite to my home, except that they would distract me from tv. Who knows, you might even be one of the women on the internet I am staring at.

I have 2 video game systems, a Sega Genesis and an Atari 2600. I have a dvd player, and at some point plan to buy dvds. I have a vcr as well that plays videotapes. It is modern, in the sense that it plays VHS, not Beta.

If you feel the need to do a striptease for me or just roll around on my carpet scantily clad, all I ask is you do it during the commercials unless the program is being tivoed. You can hold any remote you want except for the one that actually changes the channels.

INCALLS ONLY! If I wanted to leave my apartment and actually do things, I would not have bought a big screen.

$50 per night, but if 2 women come over, I charge only $100. You will both be allowed to watch me watch tv. You may take notes, but not pictures. NO PAPARAZZI please.

Ladies, email me your pictures and your phone numbers along with a signed “vow of silence” form that will allow me to watch tv without idle chatter.

WATCH ME WATCH TV! Ask for Deuce. I mean you can ask for Rachel, but she does not live here. I have 1000 channels, and will watch them with or without you.

eric

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 31st, 2007 at 3:40 pm and is filed under WOMEN. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.