From the Easter Bunny to Santa Claus to the adorable Tiger in the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, the line between reality and fantasy is often the difference between an imagination and a lack of one. On South Park, Stan Brovlovsky is committed to a mental institution when noone else is able to see his friend “Mr. Hankey.” Decades earlier, a man discovers a talking frog named Michigan J. Frog. The frog sings “Hello my Ragtime Gal,” only in front of the man, but nobody else. Again, the room with white walls is his destination. On Sesame Street, Big Bird saw Mr. Snuffalupagus, but noone believed him. This always surprised me, because they believed Big Bird existed. If a ginormous yellow creature could exist, why not a ginormous orange one that was equally ungraceful? Unicorns are also a myth, except to those who have seen them. According to Al Gore, republicans and their friends in big business destroyed the environment, killing off the Unicorns (No, not really…but then again, perhaps the last Unicorn mated with several animals and became the elusive “ManBearPig” that Al Gore hunts for on “South Park.”). The Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot should be mentioned only to overstate the point. There. Done.
This brings me to the elusive Holy Grail. No, not the one that Sir Lancelot failed to get, and Sir Gallahad succeeded in finding (I say Lancelot got the better of the deal. That Guinevere was a hot piece of fictional tail. Drinking from her Holy Grail beats drinking wine out of a goblet or a chalice any day).
The Holy Grail I refer to is the nectar that is tasted from that rarest of creatures…Republican Jewish Women. I have seen them. They do exist. My search was a long and exhausting one, but I have traversed this land of the red, white and blue, and I found some. It was not easy.
This quest became important because my initial option of pursuing every woman on the planet was limited upon my entering the world. As a member of the Hebrew faith, over 99% of the women were off limits. Although I figured all Jews were united under a common cause (trying to avoid getting killed by about 2-3 billion enemies), apparently the majority of Jews in the 1960s became hippies, took alot of drugs, and produced a generation of liberals (It is a subject of debate as to whether the drugs caused liberalism, or whether being politically liberal caused them to take the drugs). Jewish republicans were to be viewed with suspicion, as an enemy within.
For awhile I would hide my political affiliation on dates in the same manner as a guy would not disclose drug use or felony convictions. Somewhere along the line I figured if homosexuals could come out of the closet, I could as well. I began traveling America, determined to find republican Jewish women. Every once in awhile, I would run into one, and it was a nightmarish occurrence that kept repeating itself. These women were Jewish…republican…and boring.
No God. Anything but boring. Ugly people can get plastic surgery. People can gain or lose weight. Yet being boring is forever. Sure these women could talk politics, but that is all they could talk about. They were humorless. Could it be that as the children of hippies, liberal women were more…dare I say it…fun? Every girl I had ever dated was a democrat, and alot of them were fun to be around when politics was not being discussed. They appreciated things such as jacuzzi-romps, tantric massages (the Japanese call it “Reiki,”) and other interesting actions/positions that only non-uptight women could appreciate.
It was then that I realized that even though I am a conservative, I believed in a liberal dose of sex and carousing (ok, I realized it when I was 11, but my allowance could not foster that lifestyle). It was not just about sex though. It was about stimulating conversation. It was about fun. One Jewish republican woman was concerned on the telephone when I referred to her as “straitlaced.” She said that while she was a serious person, she was not stuffy. When a person has to announce that they are not stuffy, just call them Stovetop and serve them on Thanksgiving with giblet gravy.
So what is a Jewish Republican male who detests hippies but likes their spirit and immorality supposed to do? Finding a Christian Coalition woman was not the answer. Alot of them are even more straitlaced. Finding a Jewish leftist and sparring every day…too stressful. Then I saw an advertisement for the Republican Jewish Coalition. I knew republican Jewish women existed, but alot of them were scared of being attacked (Go on Jdate and read the profiles where under politics it says “unspecified.” They are most likely republicans). The Republican Jewish Coalition was a place where people could proudly express who they are (Some people want to form a Democratic Jewish Coalition, but that is as necessary as going to Libya and forming a Muslim club).
The RJC has allowed me to meet top political leaders. It has allowed me to make business contacts. Most importantly, I have had the pleasure of meeting republican Jewish women that are smart, fun, and totally drop dead gorgeous. One of these women resides in New York. She is taken, but I am sure she has friends. One woman from Florida actually liked football. Not just the stereotype about tight pants, but understood the game itself and watched it weekly. Another woman from Pennsylvania was so stunningly blindingly beautiful that I briefly forgot my own name. Luckily her name was similar to mine, so by staring at her nametag I was able to refresh my memory. None of these women were vegetarians. They were not into yoga. They did not wear tie-dyed t-shirts. They were funny. They were intelligent.
In addition, other people there had daughters, nieces and other republican Jewish women that I should meet. Like Norm Peterson on Cheers asked to watch the bar, I allowed my arm to be twisted repeatedly.
I left the RJC Conference with my faith revitalized. My religious and political faiths were always strong. My faith in my quest to pursue the Holy Grail is now stronger than ever.
Upon asking one republican Jewish woman in Los Angeles to join me for a jacuzzi soak, she replied that it sounded overwhelmingly tempting. My response to any woman thinking this is “well then get tempted for crying out loud!”
I soon leave for New York on a business and pleasure trip, where a smart, corporate, funny and gorgeous woman (who is a flaming liberal) wants to have dinner with me. I have crossed over to the dark side before, but it is a relief knowing that this is now a pleasant option and not a necessity for survival.
As Steven Tyler of Aerosmith in the song “Full Circle” sings, “If I could change the world…like a fairy tale…I would drink the love…from your Holy Grail,” I realize that the Holy Grail is within reach. So to all the republican Jewish women of the world, I say this…asking you to rip off your clothes right away may be premature, but at least rip off your masks. Be as proud to be republican as you are proud to be Jewish. Let the world know you are politically brilliant and fun.
I am interested in one of you…and only one. I know how to cook, and am trained as a masseur. The jacuzzi water is perfect tonight. I am alcohol, smoke, drug and liberalism free.
Hineni. Here I am. Hineni (Rock You Like a Hurricane). Hineni. You are Jewish, republican, and ready to be kissed like the chalice that Sir Lancelot died for and Sir Gallahad found.
eric
Great site man. I also am a jewish republican and it is nice to know I am not alone!