I am so tired of being told that I should be an optimistic happy conservative in the mold of Ronald Reagan. I am not a happy conservative. On some days, I am an angry ticked off conservative. So what is the cause for this? Not abortion. Not illegal immigration. Not the War on Terror. No, the one issue that still sticks in my craw…Eva Longoria.
That’s right, you read correctly. This whole Eva Longoria thing is getting to me. It just does not add up. Why would a woman, who can have any man in the world…as if God descended from the Heavens and created a perfect flawless woman…why would this woman choose to be with somebody French? It’s not right. If basketball player Tony Parker was Italian or Spanish, I could live with that, but French? It is just plain wrong. I mean last year the Spurs lost in the playoffs to the Dallas Mavericks. I predicted that one. Let’s face it, the star player on the Mavericks is Dirk Nowitzki, who is German. The Mavericks did not beat the Spurs. The Spurs just surrendered.
I tried being a social conservative, but then Eva Longoria started prancing around in her undies on Desperate Housewives. I almost engaged in self-love, but then republicans don’t do that, especially not social conservatives. Besides, given all the diseases running around, I don’t like to touch myself because I don’t know where I’ve been. Also, like the expression in business goes, the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. If being a republican means giving people a cold dose of painful reality, my friend summed it up worst when we were watching the NBA All Star Game a few weeks ago. As I booed Tony Parker every time his froggy hands touched the ball, my friend reminded me about Eva Longoria and said “Let me explain this to you. You…have…no…shot.”
I blame her because I would make a good social conservative, if not for the fact that my lifestyle can be immoral and I seem to have lost the ability to even pay lip service to changing. It is not that I want the big G (God, not Greenspan, for those of you in finance) to shove a flamethrower up my hide, it’s just that I want all the benefits of Heaven without doing any of the good behavioral deeds to earn it.
There was a brief period of time when I leaned towards the social conservatives. I was listening to some feminists say that they had full power to make decisions over their own bodies. They were liberated, and were going to have sex whenever they pleased. As a social conservative, this could be troublesome for society, but as a young single man, and forgive me reverends, priests, rabbis, imams and miscellaneous religious dudes, this was an overwhelmingly positive development. Do you know how hard it is to even get a kiss goodnight sometimes? If a woman wants to engage in licentiousness, I will be supportive.
Then the feminists wanted the right to an abortion. So let me get this straight. Not only do these modern women want to have the right to screw whoever they please, but they want the right to let the guy off the hook guilt free by having an abortion, freeing him of any responsibilities for his actions? Where do I sign up? This feminism stuff rocks.
Then the feminists went too far. They totally had my support, and I was embracing their newfound freedoms. They had to ruin it and cross the line. Since it was their bodies, and they could choose to have sex, they could also choose to not have sex. Ok, this was not part of the plan. These women had to be stopped. It was time to call the Christian Coalition and and get some good old fashioned male paternalistic body regulating.
I ended up calling Phyllis Schlafly, partly because I like saying “Schlafly.” I told her that I was outraged at the way young society was behaving today, and I was ready to join the Christian right. She was delighted.
The conversation started out fine. She told me that part of being part of her organization and other Christian organizations was helping spread the word of loving one’s neighbor. I thought that was a very noble sentiment indeed. She told me how important it was to get kids off of drugs. I totally concurred. She explained how important it was to feed the homeless, and help those less fortunate than me. I was ready to declare this woman a Saint (Although she did not wear big shoulder pads, so she might not have been a good New Orleans Saint). I was totally ready to be a social conservative, and then Ms. Schlafly crossed the line. She stated that one way of improving the schools was to teach the girls about the importance of abstinence.
Abstinence? From what? Apparently sex. At that point I screamed at Ms. Schlafly and called her the zealot that she is for having the nerve to tell young women to not live up to their God given sexual potential. These social conservatives need to keep their laws out of my bedroom now.
I make no apologies for rational (ok, sometimes irrational) self interest. Old people know that social security is a pyramid scheme, but it benefits them, so they support it. Schoolteachers know the educational system is a disaster, but given that it is not about the kids, they refuse to adopt standards. I am a young single male, so I vote based on what matters to me. I look at every political issue and think “Will this increase or decrease my chances of getting laid?”
This brings me to the issue of gay rights. Folks, homosexuality should not be a choice. Men should not have the option of being homosexual. It should be mandatory. Criticize gay men? Heck, straight men should send them thank you notes for reducing the competition for women. Any man that is taller than me, drives a nicer car than me, and makes more money than me…heck, be gay. I will march in your parades, I will show solidarity, anything you need. The only condition is no switching back. You must remain gay, and convert all your male friends.
This does not apply for lesbians. Jesus hates them. If the women are not gorgeous (being gentle) it is acceptable. Rosie O’Donnell can be as gay as she wants. Tammy Bruce needs to be straight immediately. My people (young single men trying to sleep with hot women) have suffered enough. You are stunning Ms. Bruce. Why torture the entire male gender? The movie “Bound,” is an example of why lesbianism should be illegal.
I have come to accept that I have libertarian leanings, which means I am a conservative republican who believes in liberal doses of physical contact with gorgeous women. It is no coincidence that the word gorgeous starts out with the word gorge, which is proof that beauty was meant to be ravished and ravaged.
I refuse to apologize to social conservatives for my Chasidic (Ultra-Orthodox Jewish) adult videos. Every time I rent “Oy Vay Three Way,” “Debbie Does Menachem Mendel,” or my favorite Chasidic bestiality video “Rabbis, Rabbits and Radishes (You do not want to know what the radishes are for),” I realize that I would rather blame social conservatives rather than examine my own shortcomings. So what if I have an adult video with Bea Arthur called “Golden Showers with the Golden Girls, (My political career just went down the toilet with that one)?” The Christian Coalition should stay out of my private life.
I want my government to cut taxes and kill terrorists. Lower taxes means more money in my pocket to spend on women like Mistress Evil, who for only $200 per hour, will turn your hide the color of the devil herself. Killing terrorists is important because most of them are young single men, reducing my rivals even further.
Before social conservatives start complaining about diseases resulting from sexual misconduct, it is a known fact that embryonic stem cell research has found the cure for Aids. Ok, so it hasn’t, but maybe if the researchers would work harder they could figure it out already. Then again, between Viagra and Rogaine, men have it pretty good these days.
The bottom line is I am tired of social conservatives telling me to take responsibility for my own actions. They should stop judging me. Perhaps if they would just lower standards and be as immoral as everybody else, they would not be so high and mighty. Would it kill the local pastors to publicly get jiggy with it once in awhile (I still have no idea what that means.)? As long as I am not coveting my neighbor’s wife’s @ss, or coveting the @ss of my wife’s neighbor, does it really matter if the local clergy think my brain is up my @ss?
Social conservatives have to stop being so incredibly intolerant of everybody around them. If they believe we should love our neighbors, who am I to say that love should not begin with a Marvin Gaye or Barry White cd and end up with a jacuzzi romp?
I tried being a social conservative. It doesn’t work. If God wanted me to be chaste, he would not have brought Eva Longoria into this world. It is not my fault she prances around in her undies. Oh, and spare me the morality lecture about me being punished for my sins. I have already been punished enough. It is bad enough Eva Longoria is not sleeping with me…but her lover is French. If social conservatives truly care, they should shame her into being chaste. Then maybe after I won the lottery financially, I can win the female lottery of her as well.
As I pray to God before bed, I say to him what I say to social conservatives, the phrase that sounds meaningful when women say it to men, but idiotic when men say it to women…what about my needs?
Ok, so I only have one need. As for the true social conservatives…perhaps I have been too hard on you. After all, I should like you. Given that you are the true believers, that means you practice chastity, which eliminates some of my competition.
I have changed my mind. All men should become social conservatives and become chaste. Ok ladies, I am the only deviant left. As for you women, do not even think of becoming devoutly religious. Religion is evil. Let the men practice it. It is good for them.
May God Bless us all, and may hot barely legal Catholic school girls continue to rebel. If God truly supported chastity, people would not call out his name when having sex. Amen.
eric
I agree 100%
Social conservatives are at their best when they are pro-family.
They are at their worst when they ignore the power of the male sexual drive.
Have you listened to / read what Dennis Prager has to say about all of this?
Right on! Well said.
I’ve got your web page on my blogroll. If you think my blog’s up to your standards, please add ine to your blogroll.
Keep blogging. This is great stuff.