I was going to have a blindfolded monkey write my column today to prove that even that would produce a better column than one would find in the Jayson Blair Times. That idea was aborted (hey, it’s my body, my mind, I can abort ideas whenever I want!) when I developped an insecurity that the monkey might perhaps write better than me. Therefore, rather than get into a debate about evolution, I thought I would take my God given talents and see what happens. It is also how I pick my stocks, ex-girlfriends, and other regrets.
The lead story today is Rosie O’Donnell’s suicide mission. No, not her career, the other mission. I am talking about her reign of terror. No, not her stint on the view, her more serious reign of terror. First she admits years ago that she is the product of heritage emanating from Northern Ireland. Then she dresses her child up as a homicide bomber. Now all of a sudden, London and Glasgow face homicide bombings.
Coincidence? I think not. Now some of you may say it is ludicrous to engage in wild eyed conspiracy theories blaming Rosie O’Donnell for trying to blow up Scotland, but that is not any more farfetched than her assertions of George W. Bush masterminding 9/11. It does seem more than a tad coincidental that Rosie O’Donnell bares a tiny resemblance to Khalid Sheik Mohammed.
One story is John Edwards and his $1250 haircut. I heard a rumor that Elizabeth Edwards called Chris Matthews and for 45 minutes berated Vidal Sassoon. This is in direct contrast to Hillary Clinton. When Bill left an airplane waiting on the tarmac, Hillary was nowhere in sight to stand by her man, Tammy Wynette style. Perhaps she was at home baking cookies. Then again, Most people by now think that John Edwards’s campaign could only be brought back to life if the other John Edwards spoke to him in front of a live studio audience and resurrected him. Let’s face it. When your best feature is your hair, and you are not even the best in that department (Mitt Romney spends less and gets more), it is time to go back to modeling in front of star struck juries.
In gay rights news, everybody is now gay. Between Queer Eye for the straight guy and Queer as Folk, everybody has been convinced. Next thing you know is for them to sponsor a National Rifle Association hunting weekend called “We’re here, we’re queer, and we’re ready to shoot deer.”
I have nothing against the gay lifestyle, but gay is now so in that it has to become out. Last year everybody was black, this year we are all gay. Will the few remaining straight people raise their hands so I know who to ask out? Ever since I found out about Tammy Bruce, I have lost sleep. Apparently she has not, since my marriage proposal went unanswered.
Actually, given how tough dating is, maybe I should get a megaphone, march down the street, and announce to the world I am straight. If gay people can meet at gay pride parades and fall in love, then I say parades are the way to go.
In the black community, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will be announcing at a press conference today that it is wrong to judge a man’s race by the color of his skin. In an effort to combat the scourge of racism, pigmentation will no longer be a factor in judging race. To help get us closer to a colorblind society, we will all be required to wear those oversized 3D glasses that truly render us colorblind. Liberals will be required to wear rose colored ones so they can continue to misunderstand the world around them. The two reverends will then demand that history books teach children that they have black blood cells and not white ones.
In religious news, some religious cultists, convinced that flat tires were the key to salvation, went along the streets in California slashing people’s tires to bring them closer to God. Actually, this did happen, but it was India, and in 1992. Then again, given that every idiotic idea has to start in California, it is being recommended that these Indians be given free airplane tickets to California so that they can fit in.
Al Gore’s son was arrested while driving that abomination of hideousness known as a Prius. All I want to know is this…does it run on vegetable oil, and did the kid try to drink that? Was the alcohol all natural? Let’s give the kid a break. He was trying to show his patriotism by chanting “Give me librium or give me meth!” (Much thanks to the blogger I liberated that from).
In celebrity news, Anna Nicole is as dead as Francisco Franco, and Lindsay, Paris and Britney are still imbeciles. I say give them more alcohol, put them on a Nascar track, and see what happens.
Hillary Clinton will be holding a press conference to denounce Barack Obama for smoking, and that nobody should use cigars for any reason, or insert them into any cavity. She will then denounce Rudy Giuliani for adultery, Fred Thompson for working on the Watergate hearings as a lawyer, John McCain for not being tough enough to understand the nature of war, and George W. Bush for being shrill and refusing to get along with others, such as terrorists. She will then denounce the terrorists for distracting the American people from the pressing issues of our time, health care and global warming.
Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd and Bill Richardson will try to convince the American people that they are not the local butcher, baker and candlestick maker. They will pick up three more votes today, as their families move away from the undecided column.
Lastly, liberals and terrorists will find they have a common bond in that they do not find my column the least bit funny. The liberals will use it as toilet paper, since apparently their initial proposal to recycle old toilet paper is, like most of their ideas, flushed down the toilet. Perhaps they would stop needing more toilet paper if they would just do what conservatives have been doing for years…using old, thrown out copies of the Jayson Blair Times, now scented with lemon to hide the stench of rotting words.
eric
Did you know that Prius was going 100 miles an hour ?
I didnt think they could get out of there own way.
He was on the San Diego freeway, I wonder if he was going North or South.
North, South, if it was a Prius at 100, I bet it was DOWNHILL.
I didn’t know that the Prius could go that fast. Funny post. Liberals will use it as toilet paper, but only one square at a time.
What would you do if you had to look at Al and Tipper everyday ?…. for 17 years.
You gotta feel for the kid.
“Liberals and terrorists will find a common bond”
“Liberals and terrorists?” Isn’t that redundant?
ROFLMAO!!!!!! mdvp!!! SOOOO true!