Hydratic Lamentations–Mary Katharine Ham Revisited

On June 27th, I posted the column “Help me Rabbi! I am desiring (Mary Katharine) Ham”


I asked the world to vote for her to have dinner with me. Well the votes have been tabulated. 80% of the people who were not confused by the question feel that she should go out with me. The remaining 20% are bad people. Now before anybody asks what my sample size was, statistics is a complicated business. Here are some of the responses.

“What the heck, give him a chance Miss Ham!”

“So, Mia… it has been proven that Eric has good taste and a sense of humor. That’s good for a start, don’t you agree? Why not give it a shot. )” (the reader confused Mary Katharine Ham with soccer star Mia Hamm, but a yes vote is a yes vote)

“Anyway, I’m in with the rest of the gang…”Go for it!” You’ll never know.”

“Eric….honey….you sacrifice a certain liberal NY senator running for Pres for me…and I will divorce my husband, convert, and have surgery to LOOK like MCH for you!” (MCH is close enough to MKH…that is either an undervote or an overvote, but a yes either way)

“An open letter to MKH:Dear Mary Katharine, I have known BLACKTYGRRRR for two whole weeks. In blog years, that is … like, a long time. So I feel secure in advancing his agenda of meeting you. Please go out with him at your earliest convenience.BTW, do you have a sister?”

“Sometimes you read and go, ‘Now why can’t I write like that? I’d make millions. And get to date Mary Katherine Ham.'”

“LMAO! May your heart achieve its desire for some pork”

Others were less enthusaistic.

“Sorry old boy. Eating pork is out of the question. Breathe deep, take a cold shower.”

“Sorry. I don’t think you should go out with her because I think I lover her too.”

Others insisted I pursue Amanda Carpenter instead. They are both stunning, and any further elaboration could destroy my chances with either of them. Also, Julia Allison, Julie Banderas, Rachel Marsden, Michelle Malkin, Marlise Kast, and the others have nothing to do with this column, so stop mentioning them!

Here are some comments regarded as neutral.

” saw that o’Reilly Factor, unfortunately, I never looked at the screen, so I have no idea what she looks like.”

“Yeah…she’s a little hottie, that’s for sure! However, better tell the Rabbi she’s probably Catholic; heck, with a name like Mary Katherine Ham, I hear the hallowed halls of Norte Dame University whispering…’Sister Mary Katherine, Sister Mary Katherine…'”

Saying she is not Jewish because she has a Catholic sounding name is the religious equivalent of racial profiling. If I was a liberal, I would get indignant and say “How dare anyone profile somebody in a way that does not benefit me! The outrage!”

“Honey,Please get out a little more. Your devotion to Ms. Ham is touching and your honesty refreshing, but perhaps a little much prior to being introduced (much less prior to the first date). A girl could go one of two ways after reading such a graphic paean to her charms: (a) be scared and get a restraining order; or (b) think it’s hilarious and ballsy and want to meet the admirer.Really entertaining post, though!”

I would get out more if she would say yes. Also, depending on whether (a) or (b) applies, this vote cannot be counted either way.

“Maybe you should call your Rabbi. I seem to recall several stories and parables that would apply here. Beware of Jezebels and Delilas!”

Fine, I am a potential sinner. I am one giant, long peccadillo.

Anyway, I did send a mass email to military bloggers, and those ballots are still overseas. So until the military ballots are counted, my total is 80%, not 90%.

Also, while I did not impregnate any Chads during this campaign, their was a Chadrina. I checked the Adams apple, and am more than 51% sure she was a Chadrina. The matter was taken care of in ways not fit for this column to elaborate on.

Folks, as I said, this is a nonbinding resolution. Like congressional liberals, it is useless. However, the votes have been tabulated, and not even 1000 liberal lawyers can screw this up. This was not a butterfly ballot, because apparently the word butterfly has sexual connotations, and this was a g-rated request for a date.

I have not received any email from Ms. Ham declaring me an imbecile. Come on guys, you know that look, where a woman looks into your eyes, and thinks you are a moron. Fine, just me. Anyway, an absence of bad news is not good news. Since she has not gotten back to me with a yes answer, I have to take drastic measures.

I am off to engage in hydratic lamentations, aka sob uncontrollably. To give you an example what that looks like on the internet…”ssssoooooobbbbbbbbbbbbbb.”

Do not cry for me Argentina or Mary Katharine Ham, I will keep my promise…and keep my distance. I was going to serenade her to that song, but that could cause my favorability rating to drop lower than Nancy Pelosi on a cold day in Minnesota.

I do not know how I will ever cope, but somehow I will move on. I will cry the entire July 5th, and then by July 6th go back to being an alpha male.

Actually, my family was born in Eastern Europe, and it is already July 6th there.

Hey, does anyone have Shannon Doherty’s phone number?


12 Responses to “Hydratic Lamentations–Mary Katharine Ham Revisited”

  1. onemorecup says:

    Hey TYGRRRR’s,

    Something really strange happened to me today, July 5, 2007, I actually saw MKH on television. And ever-so-very-humbly, I ask that you accept my apology.

    You see, at first reading I thought you were talking about a completely different person. As a quasi-friend and fellow blogger, I implore you NOT to entertain a date with this MKH person. Why you ask?

    This is no “My Date with Drew” meaning of course, if you’re going to pursue something or someone, even for a friendly mixer, good gaud man, make sure she’s at least a little attractive!

    The MKH that I saw was undeniably, well, I don’t want to say ugly, so I’ll say unattractive. You can do better; you deserve better.


  2. Carole says:

    [OMC…so, SO narrow!]

    Eric, SCREW everyone’s opinion, quit your whining and ask the woman out. This is just completely NOT my experience of you! What’s the worst that could happen? All right! Gird your loins to the sticking place – uh…somehow that doesn’t sound right…maybe it was Screw your courage to the sticking place! Yeah! That’s it – and GO get er! I mean it.

    I expect details at 11:00.

  3. Gayle says:

    I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I don’t find her ugly at all. Rosie O’Donnell is ugly! Sheesh!

    Carole’s right. Go for it! :)

  4. micky2 says:

    I’ve seen Mary on quite a few ocassions since I watch FOX everyday. I ‘ve noticed her wholesome sexy appearance before. But due my selective nature if the headline on the story doesnt grab me I dont watch the segment.
    Since Eric has been stumbling over his “extension “of appeal for Mary , I.ve botherd to take a closer look at her. And she really is a nice looking woman.
    Not to brag , but I’ve never had an ugly girl freind. All my freinds have told me so, and that it led them to beleive that I was only concerned with sex or visual appeal.
    My philosophy is that you have to look at this lady for the rest of your life , so why not shoot for the best of two worlds. Sorry, but I like pretty women.
    Theres an old saying in the restaraunt business ” you eat with your eyes first ”
    I see reference to these feelings in Erics attraction to Mary and I understand him.
    So I think we all should support him in his quest , no matter what any of us think about Mary .
    If Eric does succed in fulfilling his goal I think the only draw back will be that we will only here from him about once a week.
    Or he might start writing poetry.

  5. CGHill says:

    You’d think a “giant, long peccadillo” would be more of a draw.

  6. Carole says:

    Oh I don’t know. If he poets as well as he blogs, we can’t lose!


  7. micky2 says:

    A poem a week ?
    Maybe some Harlequin love stories ?

  8. Manual Trackback™

    And I say “go for it”. I bet MKH likes giant, long peccadillos.

  9. DirtCrashr says:

    Black Tygrrrr – is that some enhancement-supplement, like Black Cohosh? ;-) Good luck dating Media celebrities!

  10. Carole says:

    But…but…isn’t a ‘giant long peccadillo’…an oxymoron?

  11. Carole,

    No, a giant, long pecadillo is NOT an oxymoron. I visited a friend down in Texas, and wow, they have some HUGE pecadillos down there! I mean, some as big as a labrador retriever! And AGGRESSIVE! I mean, none of “Dig a hole and curl up in an armor-plated ball” nonsense for them, no sir, they come right at you! Yep, HUGE pecadil…. beg pardon?


    Never mind.

  12. Paul says:

    Mary Katharine Ham is hot!

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