Hurricane Howard Dean, Haiku, and Fraggle Rock Revisited

I am not willing to imply that there is truly nothing going on in the world. There is a War on Terror. However, judging by the way half the nation acts, all is peaceful everywhere on Lollipop Lane in Candyland.

The Seattle Post Intelligencer, besides being misnamed (Seattle and intelligence do not belong in the same sentence, unless your IQ is a higher number than the cost of your coffee), has managed to turn a serious issue involving criminals being sought by the FBI into a Haiku contest. This smug, liberal paper (it is Seattle after all) admitted this was boneheaded after everyone else in America outside of Seattle pointed this out.

My first attempt at this 5-7-5 idiotic excuse for poetry was as follows.

Never liked Haikus

I find them very pointless

So is Seattle

Realizing that nothing else was relevant to the Seattle liberals of the world, and that it is easier to lower the level of intelligence than raise it, I decided to revisit an issue that affected children throughout the 1980s…Fraggle Rock.

In the past, while debating with the lads whether or not C3PO is gay, we also debated the political philosophies of the Fraggles.

I then realized the sheer of brilliance of why these issues converged. The theme to Fraggle Rock is in that wonderfully beautiful non-pointless Haiku format.

Dance your cares away

Worries for another day

Let the music play

Yes, Haiku folks…Down in Fraggle Rock.

Some may say that one should focus on serious matters, but given that there is an entire political party that speaks even more gibberish then anything in this column, why bother? They cannot raise the level of intelligence and discourse because they are led by a screaming megalomaniac. While watching the weather report, it seems that Hurricane Howard Dean is all the…rage.

The Chirac News Network had its version of Hurricane Howard Dean, but since I do not speak French, I have translated the CNN article into English.

“Once a monster Category 5 hurricane, Dean was downgraded to a tropical depression Wednesday evening as it rapidly lost strength after battering Mexico’s eastern coast.”

Once a monster who raised 40 million dollars from the dregs of society, Dean rapidly burned through all the money, and was downgraded to 4th place in Iowa.

“But the storm continued to be dangerous as it diminished.”

Howard Dean will not shut up and go away quietly.

“Authorities worried the influx of water, possibly coupled with rains over the mountains to the west, could lead to flooding.”

Authorities in the democratic party worried that Dean would lead them over the cliff, unable to relate to anybody in the South or Mountain West, triggering a republican tidal wave.

“It has been steadily weakening since. At 11 p.m. ET, Dean’s winds had dropped to 35 mph, the center said in its last public advisory on the system. The storm was moving west at near 21 mph.”

The democratic party disavows its own national committee chairman. He still rants as he disintegrates, but nobody listens. He is banned to rural areas far away from television cameras.

“All tropical storm and hurricane warnings have been canceled.”

Democrats try to scramble television stations when he is about to speak.

“After losing some intensity crossing the peninsula, Dean regained some strength Wednesday over the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico.”

Dean’s socialist rhetoric plays well in Vermont and Mexico, and nowhere in between.

“In preparation, Mexican government officials on Tuesday traveled from beach to beach warning people to prepare for the weakened hurricane.”

Unlike Dean, many Mexicans like America and want to come here. They come to America for a dream, and do not understand why this white doctor is so angry.

“‘Fortunately, based on initial information, the damage is not as bad as we had expected it would be, thank God,’ (Mexican President) Calderon said. He credited preventive measures taken by federal and state workers.”

By ignoring and marginalizing Dean, Rahm Emanuel was able to give strict orders to Nancy Pelosi to prevent any democrat running for congress to discuss any policy or, program, or offer any idea whatsoever. Liberals at the state and federal level were ordered to call themselves progressives.

“Power was knocked out, but most of the city’s 130,000 residents appeared to have heeded government warnings to seek shelter or evacuate.”

The democrats lost their grip on power several days after they stumbled into a victory in the 2006 election, when moderate democrats that did not despise all republicans or think the President was the artist formerly known as Adolphus Schickelgruber ran for the hills every time Dean spoke or Pelosi embraced Syrian terrorist Assad.

“Dean is being blamed for at least nine deaths in its march across the Caribbean, including two in Jamaica, two in Haiti, two in Martinique, two in Dominica and one in St. Lucia.”

Dean’s support now consists of his wife in Vermont, a charming married gay couple in Massachusetts, a Rhode Island drifter, and five San Francisco teenagers that burn President Bush in effigy in the town square to raise money to buy marijuana.

“Ahead of the storm, the Mexican government deployed 4,000 troops to the area, and a state of emergency was declared in the state of Campeche.”

Howard Dean is still the head of the DNC. Panicked democrats insist that his referring to republicans as white Christians that never worked an honest day in their lives was taken out of context, and that hating everything these Christians stand for is only bad if one knows what hate actually is.

To put it in Haiku form, the issue is simple.

Quiet Mr. Dean

Hurricane Howard is done

Libs sit down, you’re wrong

For those who find Haiku to be more elitist and complex than a Jayson Blair Times crossword puzzle, I shall dumb it down one final time so that even Patricia Schroeder liberals do not cry due to a failure to understand it.

Reid, Pelosi, Drunken Kennedy, and Hurricane Howard Dean call the president everything from a liar to a loser.

The President laughs at them like the fun loving guy he is. They are beneath him on every level. In the world of Fraggle Rock, each one of them is a hopeless, failed, ignored, Doozer.


4 Responses to “Hurricane Howard Dean, Haiku, and Fraggle Rock Revisited”

  1. Todd Anthony says:

    GREAT stuff today, Eric…I come from a family of literary minds (my mother is an English Prof), so while haiku was never one of primary strengths, I still appreciate it nonetheless.

  2. arclightzero says:

    As always, a great post.

    I will say this about Seattle though: I don’t think they’re human out thee.

    I lived on Whidbey Island for a number of years, and grew quite familiar with Seattle and the unique breed of creatures who inhabit it. Granted, I wasn’t there by choice. I was stationed at NAS Whidbey and always thought that having Naval bases anywhere near Seattle was a big practical joke since the vast majority of the population at large hated us.

    But I digress… Seattle was a bizarre, surreal place. Liberal doesn’t even begin to describe it. I would sooner declare a political party of Martians in Seattle than even try to lump them in to even the most extreme of the Democrat party.

    I still shudder to think of the people I encountered out there.

  3. Bob Agard says:

    Our Denver papers are full of coverage of the Democrat convention to be held here in 2008. Fifteen thousand “journalists” are year from today. Eric, I hope you will be one of the journalists covering this party.

  4. I’d say Howard is doing pretty well lately. At least that’s what the recent elections should show you…


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