Suing Santa Claus

Luckily for me, I like movie theatres, bowling alleys, and Chinese food.While today is not a holiday for me, I will confine my remarks to my memories of December 25th, and what the day represents.

First of all, as a follower of the Hebrew faith, if I ever try to run for political office, let’s get my scandal out of the way right now (no, not those scandals, the other one).When I was eight years old I tried to sue Santa Claus.

I did not know what a class action lawsuit was, but I went to my parents, and told them that if enough of my Jewish friends got together, we could file a discrimination claim against that fat, red (redacted). It just did not seem fair that he kept skipping over my house. I was a good kid (I stand by that statement).

Besides, I liked football, and Santa was built like an offensive tackle.Maybe he skipped my home because he was a 49ers fan. He did wear red, and some gold. I never did see him in silver and black. Yet I could not help think that he had a problem with the Jews. He never wore Blue and White either.Some people tried to patronize me with Hanukkah Harry. Sorry folks, that is like getting a 3 Stooges episode with Shemp. It just is not the same.

Now that I am older, I realize that God showed his love for the Israelites by making their holy day on a Saturday. This was there is little to no conflict with the National Football League. Christians have to go to church on Sunday, and I know there are many devout Christian fathers who feel that the best way to worship the lord is with a soda and a bag of chips, and men grappling in inclement whether over an oblate spheroid.

I remember icy Decembers in New York, with ripped gloves. It allowed me to catch the football better. My parents were horrified, since they did not want the neighbors to think we were poor, when we were comfortably middle class. I did get several pairs of gloves that year, and they all got ripped playing ball, and I wore them ripped.

Some say life was simpler back then, but that is a lie. I was just to young to know any better. I did not know as a child that the Anti-Defamation League or the Equal Employment Opportunities Commission existed. There was no redress for me to go after Santa. Plus, my paper route was not enough to pay the filing fee anyway. Then again, had Santa not been antisemitic, I might be a liberal today, begging for free toys without doing anything to earn them. As a proud conservative republican, my kids will not rely on some overweight, out of shape has been to get the job done.

There. I feel better already.

Santa…I’ve got my eye on you. I’ve got the legal papers, and made sure the big words were spelled correctly. If I see you skipping any houses, you better have a good explanation.

Off to find out if Reindeer meat is Kosher. Time to take down Rudolph before any more religious hatred is spread.

No, not really. Happy Holidays all!

Time to sleep in and relax. I have work on Wednesday. Unlike Santa, I can’t be out all night playing with animals. I have responsibilities.


14 Responses to “Suing Santa Claus”

  1. micky2 says:

    Santa brought me my first bike.
    It only had one pedal.
    At 8 years old I figured out there was no Santa.
    I found the pedal in my dads van.

  2. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Oh….I think SantaGate is the least of what will keep you out of public office…

  3. laree says:


    Don’t forget sometimes Santa is caught kissing mommy, What’s that about ???

    It came too fast this year, and the news today is all about retailers disappointment. I swear if anyone ever nails me to a cross, people better not name a shopping day for my birthday!!! Then again my birthday is Feb 14th so I got all kinds of other issues going on LOL. Saints, Saint Nicholas and Saint Valentine, be happy you only have to keep track of the Football team in New Orleans, Grin.

  4. Jersey McJones says:

    Speaking of Kosher – why can’t I find a single decent half-sour pickle in the state of @#$% Florida??? I NEED MY HALF-SOURS!!!


  5. MacZed says:

    And I think to myself…what a wonderful world.

  6. micky2 says:

    Jersey, you would be the other half ? :-)
    Try getting ANY decent kosher food in Hawaii !
    They have” Hebrew Nationals” and canned Matzo balls in the stores, thats about it.

  7. Jersey McJones says:

    Oosh. That’s gotta hurt. bet you get some good sushi, though. Can’t find that around here either.


  8. micky2 says:

    Theres more sushi here than I would care to mention.
    Sashimi is nearly impossible to get during Christmas and New years.
    Prime Ahi will go for 20.00 a lb. up to 60.00 a lb.
    We have only one decent pizza here, the owner is from Baaahston.
    I don’t know why I’m doing this, I guess mt Christmas spirit hasnt worn off yet.
    But if you want some good sushi recipes I have a few handed down to me from my mother in laws old Japanese lady friends.
    Remeber, Sushi is more a method of preparation than it is a type of food.
    A similar comparisson would be a Tepanyaki chef , which you can find at any Benihana.

  9. Jersey McJones says:

    Well, Boston pizza ain’t that bad. I’ve had it. Better than Chiago, if you ask me (I won’t even mention Los Angeles).

    Dude – please write me or copy me or whatever those recipes!!! Just one even!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!! I can’t promise I’ll be more conservative, but I will be more cuiliarily comraderic – I promise!!! (are those words?)


  10. micky2 says:

    Its not really a boston pizza, its NY thin crust.
    In the interest of bringing the world together I will send you some recipes as soon as I bump into the Mamasans again. They’re old and fragile and you have to go slow with them.
    The first thing I can tell you without doubt is that you will have to find some quality “calrose” rice. If you want to go top dog,” get pearl rice” Its not cheap.

  11. Jersey McJones says:

    Hmmm. I have to visit the oriental market…


  12. micky2 says:

    Aaaaagh !
    Thats the most un-PC thing I’ve ever heard !
    What do mean “Oriental”?
    You, you … you racist!
    Its just a market that carries items from another part of the world. How dare you discriminate by labeling it ” Oriental ”
    ( Actually , these people are not rugs. Asian would be the proper term.)

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