Why young single Jews are totally…(censored)

Young single Jews in America today are completely (redacted bad word inserted here). I can honestly say that our plan at self immolation is working splendidly. What Hitler failed to do, we are doing to ourselves through intermarriage, and remaining childless as long as possible. Yet if there is one thing that is decimating Jewish singles, it is their political activism. I say “their,” because I am not an activist.

Personally, I think activists should be ductaped, strapped to a chair, and forced to watch video presentations of other activists. Then they would realize what it is like to listen to somebody ramble on about a social cause that only the speaker seems to care about.

Animal rights activists could be forced to listen to somebody rail about illegal immigration. Environmentalists could be subjected to pro-life lectures. Feminists can be pilloried with NRA members trying to shoot boll weevils. Do you know how hard it is to put an AK 47 through a boll weevil? Also, they do destroy cotton crops, and if there is one thing that will keep people of all stripes enthralled, it is a video about agriculture.

Yet Jewish liberals remain activists, or as I call them, “lacktivists,” because they lack…well…everything.

This is not just about liberalism, although that is part of the cancer eating away at Judaism. The bigger problem is that if civilizations do not reproduce, they die. The only way to reproduce is for people to meet each other. Being in the same room is not enough. There has to be actual human interaction. A Jewish social event I attended last night is a prime example of the problem. The only reason I attended was because it was one block from my home, so I could walk there and back. Plus, even if I did not meet a potential romantic partner, friends of mine would be there, making it bearable.

First there was a prayer service. People cannot talk to each other while they are praying, which is fine. However, afterwards there is a meal, and at some point, people at the same table should be able to converse.

Yet the pre-meal rituals must take place. Again, this is understandable. Rituals are important, and I do love my religion. However, this event had an environmental theme. All the food had environmental connections. I told my friend, “I think the potatoes are made out of hemp. Wanna try and smoke them later?”

Then the speeches came. It is not that they were liberal, boring, pompous and worthless. I have come to expect that out of liberalism. It is that I could not hear the people at my own table. Luckily they were friends of mine and not romantic prospects, but still…it was a nuisance. I tried to say hello to friends at a nearby table, but every time we reached a couple sentences, the next speaker would come on. Even my columns end faster, and I can be paused online.

Then the last speaker asked what we in the audience could do to be better based on what we had learned. This led to a speech about vegetarianism, at which point I began to pray that somebody would quote Howard Stern and recommend that we recycle toilet paper. Short of an oil tanker crashing into the room carrying scantily clad republican Jewish brunettes bearing sodas and hamburgers, this night was not going to get better.

Yes, the event was environmental, but it was still billed as an event for young single Jews to meet other young single Jews. How can we mingle when we cannot hear each other?

After the speakers were done, we almost had moments of conversation. However, then the organizers had to do “introductions.” Is every other person in the room a committee member? Apparently. After the introduction came “announcements.” Trips to Israel, planting trees, blah blah blah.

By that time, dessert had come out. After a few moments of mentioning how delicious the dessert was, it was time for the after meal prayers. After that the head of the event announced that everybody was to take their chairs and form a circle. They would be passing around bongo drums, or drums of some sort.

As I waited for people to start singing, “May the circle…be unbroken…by and by Lord, by and by…,” my friend asked me if I was joining in the drum circle. I replied, “Well as much as I love a good drum circle as much as any other straight man, I think I am calling it a night.”

Some could fault me for not realizing how many true believers liked the evening the way it was. This is not the case. Even the zealots cannot recruit new zealots unless they can talk to them on a more personal basis.

This is the Jewish community in a nutshell. Bleeding heart do gooders are in the Synagogues, and they divide into two groups of people. The first group could care less about the audience. The social cause of the week is all that matters, whether it be “save the homosexual mosquitoes” or “allow wildlife to have abortions.” The “I hate evil republicans Museum of Tolerance” is a very popular one.

The second group of people actually want young single Jews to meet. They are just too self absorbed to understand how to avoid making things worse. My advice to these activists is simple.

Shut…up…just…shut…up…for five minutes…just…shut…up.

I am not saying they have to become conservatives. I doubt liberal Jews will ever embrace the NRA, but if the entire room was armed, they could have demanded silence long enough to have decent conversation. Liberals have every right to be boring and wrong, but pause for a few moments. Take a breath. Understand that some of the people in the room are trying to scope each other out, and we cannot impregnate anybody and bring new life into the world if the only thing we know about the person we may lust after is that they are as bored and fed up as we are.

Young single Jews today will remain (censored) until the event planners realize that the event is secondary, and that the attendees themselves are the primary focus.

The next time I have to sit through an evening of “Jewish transsexuals for peace in the West Bank,” all I ask is that if there is a hot girl across the table from me, let us get to know each other before she rips her name tag off in disgust and goes home out of boredom.

I would prefer my community of Jews stop being leftist liberal lacktivists to begin with. That is too much to ask. If they can just reduce their acid-base ratio to 95% useless mindnumbing, self righteous zealots, and 5% quiet docile, silent people, that would be a good start. 5% is better than nothing, and babies can be conceived in a short amount of time.

Or at least have the girls wear hemp skirts that the guys can bury their face in like a good bong if the event planners run out of earthy potatoes. Oh, who am I kidding…with my luck the girls would be liberal in every way except one…they would be morally conservative.

Ok, off to buy ductape. My friends and I will chat with each other next time, lacktivists be d@mned. We are young, Jewish, lusty, and in need of less social justice, and more socializing.


26 Responses to “Why young single Jews are totally…(censored)”

  1. Gayle says:

    LOL Eric. I think you need a girlfriend! ;)

    Not being Jewish I cannot identify with much of this, but I certainly can identify with the part of this rant regarding activists. There’s an activist group for almost any subject under the sun. I just read than the SPCA saved 26 spitting roaches from certain death on a ranch in Texas. Roaches! Good grief! I wish I could remember where I read that so I could leave you the link. Perhaps spitting roaches are rare, but to me a roach is a roach is a roach, and Texas has billions of them!

    It’s a pretty crazy world we inhabit, Eric. Enough dingbats to go around.

  2. micky2 says:

    Ahh just go in their and play the game and maybe you’ll get some.
    Right away theres two advantages to being one block from home.

  3. yuppy says:

    Hey i just saw your post on another iowa forum, the hawkeye rebuplican asking for a link exchange…. well im in the same boat, looking for quality exchanges as well.

    I run a forum for members of Iowa’s statewide community. We discuss Sports, Politics, News and even other random internet goodies. Anyway I was wondering if you were interested in possibly exchanging a link with my message board:

    515 Forums

    Anyway in exchange for this I would either, allow you to post your own link to your blog in this subforum:


    or I could go ahead and do so myself if you don’t want to deal with registration.

    If you were to post it though, you could go ahead and see what sort of feedback the users of my site give you and give a description of the blog in your own words. If not, just let me know and I’ll list it for you.

    Right now, I am working to market my forum to as many Iowa residents to as much as possible and obviously quality back links help with page rank. Since we share the same targeted audience I think this could be mutually beneficial to both of us.

    Even if you reject my offer of an exchange you are free to post your link anyway.

    If you have any questions, let me know.

    Mark B
    [email protected]
    Johnston, IA

  4. chris naron says:

    My mom convinced our little Southern Baptist church in Mississippi to let us have a Valentines Day youth gathering. We couldn’t dance of course, but I was looking forward to some interaction with female types. However, it went off much as your little function. We had dinner, people gave speeches about real love and then we went home. All I can remember was the fried chicken patties giving me gas. I guess it was best I not talk to any girls after all.

    Your struggle to find love is very compelling. If I meet any single Jewish girls, I’ll capture them and give you a call.

  5. Jersey McJones says:

    The level of intermarriage and low birth rate has long been a concern among Jews. It’s understandable as a concern, but these issues are not unique to them. History shows that the more advanced a society becomes, the lower the birth rates, and the larger a society is, the more the intermarraige. This isn’t even new. These issues were at the fore of Jewish leadership concerns back when the Jews were in Babylon!

    In a large, advanced, multicultural society like America, declining birth rates and intermarraige are the norm. For most of us, this doesn’t really matter. I don’t consider myself anything other than American. Sure, I’m Italian, Irish, and Portuguese, by heritage, but that’s all behind me. I suppose I should be a Catholic, by their standards, but I’m not. Sure these backgrounds may inform my person through familial osmosis, but these are not matters of concern to me. Jewish people are defined by two things: Judaeism and being a Jew. It is a culture, a race and a religion. It is an identification that is of the utmost ongoing significance. And the culture and the race are more important than the religion, which is why Jewish racial and cultural identity remains today, while the racial and cultural identities of groups contemporaneous to the first Jews have long sinced passed into history.

    Jews are the one people I know of that can be both atheistic and yet part of a religious community. For example, Sam Harris was welcome to speak in synagogue about his scathing assessment of religion (even “liberal” Judaeism), “The End of Faith.” It was a civil and informative affair. I wonder how many Christan churches would welcome Richard Dawkins, or how many Mosques would welcome Dan Dennet. Doubtfully any.

    It’s not that Jews (liberal or conservative, it doesn’t seem to matter) are marrying less, intramarrying less, or are any more or less religious today – it’s that all of the West is marrying less, intramarrying less, and is any more or less religious today. It is simply a symptom of the success of the modern Western World. In most of the West, religion has been is such decline as to be an endangered belief system (thank God). America is unique, both by today’s and history’s standards, in that it is very religious. But when you look at our religious beliefs, you’ll note that they are highly individualized, personalized, self-serving and lacking in theological understanding. We say were are very religious, but really we’re not. We’re just superstitious.

    Jews do have an advantage here. They have the theological background, the liberal and dynamic variety of interpretations, and a tolerance of such and others. In a way, that’s why the Jews remain a culture today where few others of that age have endured. We could all learn a lesson from that.

    As for drum circles and boring speeches – believe me, Eric, that is certainly not unique to Reformed Judaeism (if may I assume that was the branch of synagogue you attended). Boring, shlocky, corny gatherings can be found from Neo-Pagans to Catholics to everyone in between or whatever. It’s a human condition – it’s called being a Cornball.


  6. micky2 says:

    You’re part Portuguese ? he he
    In Hawaii the Portuguese are what the Pollocks are to the mainlanders.
    (How many Portuguese does it take to screw in a light bulb?)
    But its all in good fun. My wife is Portuguese, Hawaiian, Scottish.
    I think its great that interacial marriages and relationships are taking place more and more often. Soon we’re all just gonna be mutts. There will be no “pure race”.
    And hopefully racism will finally not be a issue to be brought up with any discrimination or generalizations attached.
    I know, its sounds really “John Lennon”. But I think thats going to be the only thing that will get people to stop acting like what we see today.
    Hah! Our genitals and libidos will solve the problem of racism before our brains do !

  7. Jersey McJones says:

    “In Hawaii the Portuguese are what the Pollocks are to the mainlanders.”

    Really? Huh. I didn’t even know there were enough Portuguese in Hawaii for them to make a joke about? Who a’thunk it?

    My wife is Greek, Polish, Irish and German. Only in America.

    I do think there will be one new race, though – Jerseyite: The Italian/Irish hybrid.

    Well, Micky, it’s nice to be in full agreement with you for a change! ;)


  8. micky2 says:

    Well of course I forgot to mention that the blend into racial obscurity will take a whole lot of generations to accomplish that none of us will be able to see.
    But I figure in about 500 years very few people are going to able to put any definition on their race any more other than “cosmo”
    Portugese represent a huge population in Hawaii.

    See here.

  9. Jersey McJones says:

    Wow. I didn’t know all that. And that’s where the ukulele comes from???

    Thanks for the link, Micky!


  10. Jersey McJones says:



  11. AL says:

    From the different posts, one could infer that not only is separation of church and state a good idea, but separation of faith and religion should be included as well… the “religion” part is man-made, which often screws up what faith is all about.

    People who are more educated and make more money generally have fewer kids than those who are lesser educated and poorer… I fell into the same materialistic trap by stopping at two – should have had at least a basketball team… we may be able to outfight and outwit the ignorant masses, but we can’t outbirth them…which may be part of the original plan…

  12. micky2 says:

    ” but we can’t outbirth them…which may be part of the original plan…”

    I’ve had the same thought before Al. Boys of Brazil ?

    And yeah, a lot of people are not able to discern the difference between faith and religion. In 30 years I’ve only been inside a church to donate food and give a testimonial speech for my mother in law on mothers day.

  13. Jersey McJones says:

    Well, if you’re going to separate faith and religion, then you should also further seperate spiriualism and mysticism. All this is well and fine, but it says little about the tenets of one’s beliefs. You can call yourself what ever you want, but if you believe in a singular God who is the creator of the universe, who is beyond physical boundaries and laws, who lays out systemic beliefs and moral codes, then you are religious, whether you say you are or not.


  14. Jersey McJones says:

    God, I miss football already…


  15. micky2 says:

    Theres a diiffernce between being taught and having a doctrine dictated to you and believing that we all didnt just popcorn fart our way into existance.
    I dont buy the virgin birth, the resurection, and all the other miracles in the bible. I believe that is all were this butchering of faith began. people had to start sensationalizing things to add spectacle and awe for those who didnt believe
    I have faith that man has purpose, and we are not just some fluke of nature or cauldron of crap that got lucky. And I think Jesus pretty much nailed what the standard for our behavior should be.
    Faith aint worth a crap if you have to convince someone they should have it or need it.
    It comes about simply by believing that there is a much more granduer plan than what we see or could ever even concieve with the 5% of our brains that we use.

  16. AL says:

    “…if you believe in a singular God who is the creator of the universe, who is beyond physical boundaries and laws, who lays out systemic beliefs and moral codes, then you are religious, whether you say you are or not.” Jersey has spoken…Amen and Amen. A very basic definition of religion is having an organized system of beliefs and rituals…and adhering to that system. A person who misses football already falls into this religious category… wearing red on game day, eating chips, drinking beer, cheering on the home team… so one can be extremely religious and have not one iota of faith…especially if one’s team is the Detroit Lions…

  17. Jersey McJones says:

    Micky and Al, “when you believe in something that you don’t understand…”

    Well, I guess it just goes from there.


  18. AL says:

    Jersey, Nice try… Rather than saying, “when you believe in something that you don’t understand…”, say instead, “When you believe in something I don’t understand…” . Then we have an accurate representation of the issue. I genuinely hope you WILL understand one day. AL

  19. Jersey McJones says:

    Al, I understand. I also understand not to never underestimate what someone else understands. I do understand. I hope you can be big enough to understand that.


  20. AL says:

    Jersey, Good point. I respect your position, which is why I didn’t offer a public prayer for the Holy Spirit to move you. ;>) I don’t think we underestimate each other…
    You mentioned being a history buff… and I am curious about the phrase, “It came out of left field”… as in no rhyme or reason… did this phrase pre-date conservative “right” and liberal “left”? Ha Ha

  21. Jersey McJones says:

    Many a liberal said something stupid, but just as many conservatives did something stupid. That’s how I look at it.


  22. Iowa Forum says:

    Yea i hate dead week. nothing to do on sundays! oh well gives me time to catch up on other things

  23. micky2 says:

    “Micky and Al, “when you believe in something that you don’t understand…””

    Like some people , I understand that it sure as hell isnt me responsable for everything. And that is all I need to understand.
    Al hit the nail very well also

  24. John says:

    Thats a lot to think about, thanks for the info.
    Keep up the good work.

  25. jackie says:

    I totally agree with the way you analyze the Jewish problem. I wonder if anyone has tried this new free Jewish singles site which is always free and is brand new http://www.jewfind.com/
    I think it’s cool that it’s free at least I don’t feel worse paying for being single while I am trying to solve the problem

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