Leave my FBI file alone!

The State Department had better leave my FBI file alone.

People who try to dig up dirt on me are going to incur my wrath. For those wondering why I am concerned about those wishing to derail my future political career, I shall start out with a syllogism I learned in school.

Premise: All cats chase mice.

Premise: Tony has a cat.

Conclusion: Tony is a mouse.

Hey, I went to public school.

Fast forward from my painful experiences in those maximum security prisons known as public schools to the world today.

Premise: On January 9th, 2008, members of the State Department investigated Barack Obama’s FBI file.

Premise: January 9th in my birthday.

Conclusion: Barack Obama ordered people to look at my file.

I would blame Hillary Clinton, given the expertise that she and her husband have with FBI files, and illegal behavior in general. Yet in this case I cannot do so. I have come to the conclusion that Hillary and I are practically the same. After all, we are just “typical white people.”

I wonder if I can get a discount at Walmart for macaroni and cheese.

There are other reasons that I am convinced that Obama tried to investigate my files.

How often does a Jewish holiday (Purim), a Catholic holiday (St. Patricks Day) and a Christian holiday (Good Friday, Easter) occur during the same week (quite often actually)?

Barack Obama has had controversies lately involving more than one religion. It all ties together.

Also, there are 7 days in the week. There are 7 letters in the word Judaism. There are 7 letters in the word slavery. This proves, according to Louis Farrakhan, that Jews have enslaved blacks since the beginning of time, all the time. Pastor Jeremiah Wright has praised Farrakhan, and Obama has in the past praised Wright.

There are also 7 letters in the word Federal, which is the first word in the FBI.

There are also 7 letters in the word “Tygrrrr” as well as the word “Express.” Aha!

This sinister conspiracy against me must stop.

Now for those who are wondering why I am trivializing a serious matter, there are two reasons. First of all, because that is what I do.

Second of all, the reaction has been idiotic. For those who think this is another Bush Administration conspiracy by the State Department, please remove your heads from your hides.

The State Department hates President Bush. Everybody below Condi Rice should be sent to Guantanamo Bay. The State Department is basically enemy combatants, except less effective and more bureaucratic. If the State Department was any more worthless, it would be the United Nations.

So an organization whose sole purpose of existence is to undermine President Bush would investigate files of people he could care less about at his orders.

To quote George Jetson, “Jane, get me off of this crazy thing.”

Is this breach serious? Yes. The people responsible for the breach were fired, and full disclosure was made. The system worked. If ever there was a non-scandal, this would be it. The real scandal is how such clowns got hired in the first place. Then again, that brings us back to the point about the State Department being worthless.

I can share with you what was in the files of all three candidates.

Obama: He is 50% black and 50% white. After careful analysis, it was determined that he came to be this way because his parents were of different races. He did drugs as a youth, has funny looking ears, speaks well, and has never offended anybody in his existence. He thinks all white people are the same, but then again, we are.

McCain: He was a prisoner of war, is old, occasionally grumpy, believes in suppressing free speech when hanging out with Russell Feingold, and promises to take Osama and steer rope him rodeo style with his own beard.

Hillary: (redacted)

Wow, I wish I could get my file to be as clean as Hillary’s. I should ask Sandy Berger for help. My favorite foods are sandwiches and burgers. These coincidences are frightening.

I am entitled to my private life.

It is nobody else’s business that I would paddle Hillary’s hide given the chance. Besides, how do I know she never tried to paddle mine, or that of any of my friends? Her file is redacted, corrupt woman that she is.

The fact that I believe we could cure two world problems by feeding the homeless to the hungry should not be used against me in a future debate when I am wagging my finger and talking about compassion.

Christian America does not need to know that I think Santa Claus is an anti-semite. You have that fat red b@st@rd skip your home for years on end and think the system is not rigged. I suspect Jeremiah Wright and Louis Farrakhan don’t care that Santa hates Jewish kids.

I would cook Rudolph and eat him, but the last thing I need is more grief from animal rights activists.

The fact that I have a “Larry the Cable Guy” pinup calendar is nobody else’s d@mn business.

Maybe if I just ignore the problem, it will go away. Yeah right. That did not work with Al Gore, Al Sharpton, Al Queda, or Al Green (I have no idea why I included him. I liked his duet with Annie Lennox).

So yes, Barack Obama was behind the viewing of my FBI files. He would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those d@mn kids. I hope it did not hurt when they pulled the rubber mask off of him.

Ok, off to go in my backyard and dig up Jimmy Hoffa and move him again. Actually, I do not have a backyard. Yet if I did, and he was buried there, I would move him if I thought he would be in danger of being discovered.

Enough with the scandal surrounding Obama. He did not even march with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Some would say he was only a boy, but I am tired of excuses. Next thing you know he will try to blame somebody else for the death of Strom Thurmond.

Premise: Strom Thurmond is related to Al Sharpton.

Premise: Barack Obama and Al Sharpton have a bond with skin color.

Conclusion: Barack Obama’s daughter is the reincarnation of Strom Thurmond.

Yes, if I were him I would want his file sealed as well.

As for my file, both I and the world would be better if mine stayed wrapped up tighter than an ex girlfriend who claimed she had a headache, when she was really just sick of me.


2 Responses to “Leave my FBI file alone!”

  1. parrothead says:

    One point really glossed over in all this is these people were contractors, NOT state department employees. As somebody who has a lot of experience with how these things work their is a lot less direct control over the activities of contractors. Largely civil servants are not allowed to direct them to do much, in fact this is reserved to the contracting officer and technical assistant. Much as with the Haliburton no bid contract “scandal” these things are blown out of proportion by people who have no understanding of the way federal contracting works due to the onerous regulations of decades of “reform ” by well meaning congresses and presidents.

  2. micky2 says:

    The administration hired a janitor who stole 3 rolls of toilet paper.

    In the spirit of the holiday I decided to re enact the resurection.
    I scared the living crap out of the guys in the morgue.

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