From Touching This To Showgirls

Before getting to what some consider the greatest movie ever made, Showgirls, the Tygrrrr Express has a quick sports update from the gridiron.

At 36 years of age, I have come out of retirement to play football again. Like many others well past their prime, I can’t walk after the game, but I can’t walk away from the game either.

This is my second year in the Adult Sports League. While this is a fabulous name for a coed touch football league, the women are all fully clothed. Thankfully, so are the men.

When tackling somebody in touch football, it is vital to always use open hands. Never ever grab or squeeze. Just touch. Last year when a hot female receiver ran into me, she apologized. Realizing that I may have accidentally gotten to second base with her, instead of apologizing I accidentally thanked her. I didn’t mean to, but I would not be the first guy to behave like a moron around a hot woman bouncing up and down. Plus, she was holding a football. Had she offered me a hamburger I might have proposed. At least she helped me up.

Anyway, the Chicago Cannonball and I are pretty serious, so I have to be careful. Being sophomoric is not acceptable, despite the fact that the name of my team is “Touch This.” Our Jerseys are white, which is good during the hot summer sun. Therefore, Touch This at the very least is as functional as it is linguistically aesthetic.

Before last week’s opener, when asked where a couple of the women on our team were, we stated that they were in the bathroom. One guy on the other team said, “good.” I broke out laughing, at which point he clarified himself, stating that he was not expressing excitement regarding their whereabouts. After the game when he tried to explain himself, I explained to him that the reason I laughed was because expressing delight in any way about women and bathrooms was inappropriate given that R Kelly had just been acquitted 24 hours earlier. I can say with certainty that there is none of that sick stuff on our team. We shower separately, and those showers are with crystal clear water, not any other color at the end of the rainbow.

Oh yeah, and we played football. This week’s game was a heartbreaker. Our quarterback and I barely missed connecting on a bomb. We also had a tying touchdown ruled out of bounds out the back of the end zone. We suffered an interception on the next play.

For those who care, trying to live blog a game while playing is beyond my capabilities, which is why I offer only color commentary and not play by play.

Late in the game, down 28-15, we scored, got a critical stop, and had one last chance for a win. Our quarterback heaved a Hail Mary, but there were no miracles on this day. We fell short 28-22.

We then cursed life and vowed vengeance. Actually, that may be an exaggeration. We went to the bar and had drinks. As a Jewish person, I am glad the teams did not do the NFL ritual of kneeling to Jesus at midfield afterwards. Had we completed the Hail Mary, I might have considered it.

My team is practically a team of couples. Three of the women on the team are romantically involved with three of the men. I hope they refrain the night before and day of the games, but if they don’t, I never want to know.

As for the Chicago Cannonball, she was in town last week, and made a lovely sign that said “Go Eric!” I asked her never to show it to anybody, because perhaps if I have a bad game I will be told to “go” in a less positive manner.

Two of the girls got injured, and for some reason they insisted on being adult about it. It truly is an adult sports league. I would have cried like a four year old girl, but then again, I do that anyway. Telling them to “man up” would not have been helpful, given that they are women. Plus, it would have been hypocritical given that the Chicago Cannonball wants me to man up, and I have no intention of doing so.

She is back in Chicago, and the only thing worse than losing a football game is not getting any sympathy love afterwards. My pain never ends.

I am just glad there are no cameras around. My worst tackle of the day on a very tall guy had me getting him on both sides of his body in the worst possible way. Had he been normal height, it would have been his back and his chest. My palms were open, and he did not file charges. I apologized to myself, and forgave myself.

So our team lost a close game, but at least my teammates are cool people. To those who disagree, I say “Touch This!”

Yet if girls running around playing football is not enough for a healthy man to witness, there is the true joy that is “Showgirls.”

I had the…pleasure is not the right word, but I will use it here…of seeing a play extolling the movie Showgirls as the greatest movie ever made.

The brains behind this absolutely bizarre idea for a play is Jackie Clarke. Yes, she is the same Jackie Clarke that is in my list of Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies. Nevertheless, as much as it pains me to say this, I respect her for her mind. She is as warped and disturbing as she is disgustingly brilliant, or brilliantly disgusting.

One of the characters played movie Producer Joe Esterhazs, and he was a riot. There was plenty of ad libbing at this play, and one of the reasons for the ad libbing was that the air conditioning in the theatre was broken. The guy simply took his pants off, and used a bottle of beer in a way that I never want to see again. I truly hope that was “fizz” that he sprayed the crowd with.

Jesus is played by a naked woman, and the guy placing his upper lips on her (Female Jesus’s) lower lips is described as a “Jew.” Yes, people more disturbed than me exist.

I have never seen the movie Showgirls, but the concept was so bizarre that I had to see it. Now I need to watch the movie. I only know one line in the whole movie, because they played the clip over and over on commercials. My friends and I would say the line during completely random moments for no reason. During a game of pickup basketball, I screamed at a player on the opposing team, “I’m not a stripper, I’m a dancer!” He had no idea what I was talking about, but luckily, neither did I.

As for the guy playing Joe Esterhazs, somehow during one segue he talked about various sexual acts with various animals. I have never found bestiality to be particularly humorous, but I have to confess that I doubled over with laughter when this fellow put words together to form a sentence that I have never heard before and will most likely never hear again.

“I once finger banged a hermit crab.”

I am desperately looking for a way to slip that into conversation at an incredibly inappropriate time. I have ruled out using it when I meet the Chicago Cannonbal’s parents, or when I am having dinner at the Rabbi’s house.

Perhaps one day when I win an honorary degree, and they ask me if I ever dreamt big. I will tell them that now I have sex with a fabulous girl, but in my darkest days I finger banged a hermit crab.

Ok, at least I have plenty of time to work on this one. I just hope my regular t-shirt guy can come up with a good visual. Our team does not have a mascot yet.

Erotic occurrences with crustaceans aside, the play is incredibly clever. Jackie Clarke is a pervert, and society is better off for it. I recommend people go see this play.

Oh, and Jackie Clarke likes football, for those who thought this column would not get wrapped up in one of my perfectly unkempt little bows.

Given my relationship with the Chicago Cannonball, I will not play naked football with Jackie, no matter how much she begs, even if she offers me a hamburger afterwards.

Besides, I am not a stripper. I’m a dancer!

If I ever make it to the end zone again, I am prepared to make Bob Fosse proud, whoever that is.


2 Responses to “From Touching This To Showgirls”

  1. Micky 2 says:

    Hermit crab ?
    I had to express my little Pugs anal glands a few months back.
    My mother in law walked in and saw me with my finger up the dogs butt as he was whimpering and trying desperately to get away.

  2. So, Clarke is a Waters fan, huh? That’s great! By happenstance, the wife and I were up late last night snuggling in front of the tube and we sat back and watched John Waters doing an hour-and-a-half comedic monologue based on his filmography. I laughed so hard my stomache digested my brain. So I’m actually thinking from duodenum at the moment. There’s nothing like great irreverent humor, though. John Waters is one of my favorite filmmakers.

    I was a good football player when I was younger. And I played alot of touch and such. The key with “touch football” is to think of the BBall contact rules. Choose plays, both O and D, that invite accidental picks and sticks in the passing game. Try to keep these plays only on medium and short routes, though, or people can get hurt, especially as we get older. In the running game, tosses and lats are preferable to endruns and counters. That’s how I always did it. And I never minded a little physo-psycho-treachery on the field. But then, I never played anything coed, so I’m at a loss for what you actually could get away with…


    Keep havin’ fun man, JMJ

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