The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies

When high finance meets high society, we get finance movies such as “Stocks and Blondes,” where the woman is covered only in the ticker tape. Yet even more powerful than the cocktail of sex and Wall Street comes in the mixture of sex and politics.

It is in that spirit that I have compiled the list of the top 120 political yummy bouncies.

Technically this is not much different from listing the top 30 hottest political women, except that the focus is on their T and A.

From the front, I dream of playing sexual volleyball, bouncing them vigorously. From the backside, I hope to play Sir Mixalot’s “Baby Got Back,” while giving them the ketchup bottle treatment.

For those wondering why my girlfriend, the Chicago Cannonball, is not on the list, the answer is simple. She is apolitical. There is not a woman on earth that compares to her in my opinion. Her body is a temple, and I enjoy worshiping at her altar. Yep, her holy grail is quite holy indeed.

Nevertheless, I had a life before her, which basically consisted of uncontrollable sobbing knowing that the women on this list were not mine. To the best of my knowledge, I have had sex with none of them.

Compiling the list was more difficult than I expected. I thought the trouble would be narrowing the list. The reverse was the case. To even find that many women that caught my attention were rare. Politics is mostly powerful bald white guys, and I have never been attracted to the cue ball look.

The list has been divided into the top 10 liberals, centrists, and independents. Given that they were all anatomically correct, this added up to 20 breasts and 20 hides per all three political denominations.

I did not include pictures to all of the women because they were all fully dressed in the pictures, making the exercise pointless.

Several of these women are over 40, and even in a couple cases over 50. So what? Hot is hot.

Nevertheless, I now bring the top 120 political yummy bouncies.

Liberals/Democrats: I left out Senator Barbara Boxer because she is older now, although she was a hot piece back in the day. I left out Obama Girl because she was too lazy to even vote for him. Patti Davis, despite a playboy spread, should be off the list because her father, the great Ronald Reagan, deserves to rest in peace. Al Gore’s former campaign manager Donna Brazile almost made the cut, due to her salacious appearance on the Colbert Report where she offered to have sex with him in a Kansas City hotel room. This list was written before I saw Washington State Senator Maria Cantwell on television. She will absolutely make future lists.

With that, the official list is below.

10) Rachel Sklar–She is affiliated with the Huffington Post. Providing a link to promote that site is a non-starter. However, with her, just hit the mute button and enjoy.

9) Julie Roginsky–She is a democratic strategist. She is hot. She speaks as well, but I remember not one word.

8.) Sarah Gore–Her father tried to steal an election, but she used to steal the loins of men with pulses. She recently got married. I am green, but with envy, not environmentalism.

7) Lisa Lange–She is associated with Peta, and was behind their naked marketing campaign. She is proof that no matter how awful an organization is, guys will listen when a woman is promoting nakedness.

6) Alexandra Kerry–I really wanted to be between her legs in 2004, but not enough to vote for her father.

5) Segolene Royal–The former French Socialist candidate for Prime Minister is so regal. She was sleeping with the party chairman, and they had kids. The French election was a coin flip, since my head supported Nicolas Sarkozy despite her being a hot piece of tail.

4) Julia Allison–She used to date a democratic senator. Every aspect of her life is on the internet. She is like Jim Carrey in “The Truman Show,” only with a much sexier body and much more granola lifestyle.

3) Jackie Clarke–She did an entire play dedicated to the movie “Showgirls.” She likes football, cursing, and talking about her female body parts. She is equally frightening and ketchup bottle worthy.

2–tie) Norah O’Donnell–She is an impartial analyst on MSNBC, meaning she is a liberal. Again, this is a visual contest, with the less auditory aspect being the best. She is stunning.

2–tie) Naomi Wolf–Yes she has become part of the lunatic fringe that believes in 9/11 conspiracies, and compares President Bush to the evil in this world. Who cares? This is a subjective beauty contest, and she is a hot piece of Jewish rumpus. Plus, one of her sex books helped me get more than my fair share, which proves that even feminists can be useful from time to time.

1) Jane Fleming–Recently married with two children, those pouty lips of hers are a perfect fit for her constantly angry television appearances. I think she actually has a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that she keeps on her kitchen counter. She is the reason pool tables were invented.

Centrists/Independents: Entertainment reporter Shira Lazar would have made the list, but she rarely discusses politics. She is a sweet girl, and easy on the eyes. Sarah Silverman frightens me to death, and her comments are barely political. She is proof that hot women can say anything at any time for any reason.

10) The women of Poland–Women in Poland are stripping naked to protest against politics being dominated by men. I support their freedom of expression.

9) Alison Rosen/Michelle Collins–They are both commentators on “Redeye,” and I do not think they have ever been on at the same time. They might be the same person. I hope they have 8 yummy bouncies instead of 4.

8.) Gloria Estefan–Yes, she is a Cuban singer. She also got very political during the Elian Gonzalez fiasco. I would do the Conga if I was in bed and she was there.

7) Tammy Bruce–I am pro-gay rights for everybody except her. We should donate ugly women to the lesbian community in exchange for her. She curses like a sailor, and the fact that I am completely intimidated by her is a turn on.

6) Ashlee Dupree–Any woman that destroys Eliot Spitzer and appears in a Girls Gone Wild video is a Goddess. I normally do not endorse drugs and prostitution, but she is why the lord created Spring Break.

5) Campbell Brown–CNN would have much higher ratings if she was allowed to moderate Presidential debates in her undies. She is a smart woman, but this column could care less. She reigns supreme at the Cheesecake News Network.

4) Kiran Chetry–She is also a Cheesecake News Network girl. She was not the hottest woman at Fox News, but at CNN where the journalistic standards are lower, her legs fit in perfectly.

3) Dagan McDowell–Scarlett O’hara made it to Wall Street. Her accent could melt butter, and her brilliance is overshadowed by her beauty.

2) Mirthala Salinas–She is the news reporter that slept with the Mayor of Los Angeles with a name that is hard to spell. I give the Mayor credit. He has excellent taste.

1) Carla Bruni–She is the first lady of France. Nicolas Sarkozy understands that the only reason to gain power is to bed models. Between Bruni and Royal, the French have all they need for a prime time jello wrestling special.,_Gloria/Pictures/

Conservatives/Republicans: I left Barbara Bush off the list. I am not referring to our current President’s mother. I am referring to his daughter. Barbara is adorable, but out of respect for the Dub, I will say no more. George W. Bush, just know I want to be her Secret Service body guard. Please do not waterboard me, I voted for you twice. Michelle Malkin is not on the list because I am beyond intimidated by her. When she goes on television and flares her nostrils in anger, I want to hide in the corner and cry. I am a sissy. Patricia Heaton, who played the wife on Everybody Loves Raymond, is one hot mom. She has contributed to republicans, and I wonder if she was naked when she wrote the check. Fred Thompson’s wife Geri is stunning, but out of respect for the Alpha Dog, I will leave it at that. I met them and liked them. The blogosphere has a republican Jewish blogger named Spree. When she becomes more famous, I will make sure the world knows that I was the one who made salacious comments about her when others ignored her body and insulted her by judging her blog on the quality of the writing.

10) Jeanine Pirro–She may not have defeated Hillary Clinton in New York, but this prosecutor would easily win a contest over Hillary in terms of who guys would want to paddle. She also appears on Redeye, where she pops out opinions as she pops out her cleavage.

9) Amanda Carpenter–This Townhall political reporter is an incredibly sweet person. I almost left her off the list out of respect, given how dignified she is. However, I needed one more name, and she is very pretty.

8.) Sarah Palin–She is the Governor of Alaska, and a possible candidate for Vice President. Her 91% approval rating may be because men outnumber women in Alaska by 25-1.

7) Kate Obenshain–She claims to have 4 children. Some women never age. She is deep into republican politics, and I am deeply into her, albeit from afar, given the restraining order.

6) Michele Bachmann–This Congresswoman from Minnesota is smart as a whip. She is not into whips, preferring family values. She was never in Bachmann Turner Overdrive, but she turns me into overdrive. She should reprise the role of underwear model made famous by Terri Garr.

5) Angie Harmon–She is married to retired football star Jason Sehorn. As the hot republican prosecutor on Law and Order, her first episode was fabulous. When she thundered, “Hang ’em all, no deals for anybody,” I realized that there is nothing sexier than a tough hot woman in charge of the penal code.

4) Mary Katharine Ham–I met her in real life, and she is incredibly classy and dignified. She is a sweet, cool person. She was the subject of the worst blogging 4 part trilogy in history, which began with “Help me Rabbi, I am desiring Ham.”

3) Julie Banderas–As for why I want to paddle her, it might be because I have a pulse. College students may not get Playboy in the dorms, but viewing her on Fox News is the next best thing.

2) Andrea Tantaros–This republican strategist has a devastating piercing tongue, and men around America want to experience it. She was the spokeswoman for Jeanine Pirro, and they would rival any mother-daughter jello wrestling tag team.

1) Shannen Doherty–Her speech at the 1992 Republican Convention captivated men. So did her playboy spreads. I have met her and spoken politics with her. I wish I had taken her on top of the jewelry table, but I was moderately less tactless back then.

Well, all these women will have to live with the fact that my focus is now on the Chicago Cannonball. They are simply too late. Now I need to take a midday nap. Time to count sheep, or in my case, the Chicago Cannonball’s apolitical yummy bouncies.



15 Responses to “The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies”

  1. Chicago Cannonball says:

    You know, darling, my mother asked me for the link to your blog again. Now that she is calming down about the Israel trip and the Republicanism thing, she’s in a better place to take an interest.

    I think I might try to dodge and weave the request a bit longer, hmm?

    Mom, when you inevitably uncover this, and I know you will because the “women” link just makes too tempting a target… it’s all in jest! Really! Even my comments! We just read poetry and watch Hannity and Colmes on my trips out there!

    Why do I have the sinking suspicion I’m in for a phone call with a shrill tone? Or worse, a quiet tone? Oh the humanity!


  2. Micky 2 says:

    That was just a long winded way of throwing a love letter at the Cannonball.

  3. Gayle says:

    LOL! I can’t really identify with this post, but it’s funny anyway, and especially Chicago Cannonball’s comment. :)

  4. MissBeth says:

    As always, I love this article. I’d love to meet the Chicago Cannonball–she sounds wonderful! Link me!

  5. Spree says:

    You know I hate registering to sites just to able to comment right? Gawd, you are too cute.

    Chicago Cannonball, you are lucky and from the sounds of things so is Eric. Congrats you two and I LOVED the post… what a riot.!@

    Beth, thanks for pointing me to this.

  6. Chicago Cannonball says:

    Yes, Mickey… all the great love letters from the romantic-period writers incorporate references to treating at least 30 other women as ketchup bottles. Tried and true methodology right there, my friend.

    Men futher cement their intended’s affections by working on that very letter right in front of her by surfing the web, clicking on pictures, and saying “I think she’s hot. Do you think she’s hot? I guess she’s hot enough for the list…I can’t believe how few hot women there are in politics”

    As to those who wish to meet me, Eric takes care of my social calendar when I’m on the left coast. So seeing him leads to seeing me, in all of my apparent resplendant (over-hyped) glory.

  7. Micky 2 says:

    It sounded to me like he was discounting all other women after meeting you.
    I’ll bet theres a big difference in the way a bottle of ketchup gets treated compared to a holy grail.
    You’re both an inspiration for the whole political community.
    I hope there’s some little tykes that come out of this one day.
    Republicrat brats ? :-)

  8. blacktygrrrr says:

    Update: Links have been added.


  9. Chicago Cannonball says:


    I’ll save judgement on his professions for when we’ve been dating for more than 3 months. He’s sincere, I don’t doubt his tenacity, but it’s early in the game ;)

    Same for predictions on our future litter. But my goal, whether he contributes to their DNA or not, is that they be capable of critical thought, no matter what ideologies they hang their hats on.

    But darn it Micky, I told you how worked up the thought of my reproductive future gets me… Now where did I put that paper bag?

  10. Micky 2 says:

    With Erics taste in women I’ll assume the bag is not for your head.

    I’m just a little prankster a-hole. I’m truly happy for both of you , mostly Eric.
    I remeber the anguish and desparation he was going through when I read one of his first posts about Mary K Ham.
    And seeing as how Eric does not compromise on his standards I’m willing to bet that you have filled that void with no room left that could be called “settling”
    Guys like Eric and myself seem to hold out and wait for quality instead of resorting to quantities of mediocrity.
    I waited until I was 36 to get married to a woman who is very much my opposite in almost every aspect.
    The kid thing is just a razz.
    But if I have learned anything in my 51 years its how to tell when two people have what it takes. And all that really matters is that you make each other happy.

    Now, I’m gonna go look at some links.

  11. timbudd says:

    Most of the stuff Jackie Clarke puts out, especially that she does with Julie Klausner, is rip-roaring funny. Their various web pages (there are single blogs, dual blogs, multiple facebook and myspace pages, etc.) are a bit hard to keep up with and maddingly not kept current.

    No Rachel Lucas?

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.