Joining the Jewish Journal and Suing Santa Claus

In 2007 I told the simple tale of my youthful class action lawsuit against Santa Claus.

In 2008 I wish a Merry Christmas to my New Testament worshiping brethren (While apologizing for the hostile behavior of my liberal Jewish friends towards the biggest supporters of Israel on Earth).

I also wish a Happy Hanukkah to the 14 million fellow Hebrews that have helped carry on almost 6000 years of traditions.

For those who have now noticed, I have had the pleasure of joining the Jewish Journal.

The Jewish Journal is the premier Jewish magazine of Los Angeles.

I have been very tough on the Jewish Journal, referring to it over the years as the JLJ, aka the Jewish Liberal Journal. Nevertheless, some on the left offer fake promises of diversity. The Jewish Journal has decided to take a chance on somebody that is likely to inflame much of their readership. Their point of view that having a liberal tilt is sensible given the liberal tilt of the overall Jewish community is not without merit.

Nevertheless, the young Jewish community is less reflexively liberal. Now as time goes by, we shall see if those on the left that proclaim their love for diversity are interested in intellectual and ideological diversity.

As for the Jewish Journal, I am a guest in their home, and genuinely appreciate the invitation.

I have three Fatwas currently against me….one from a Palestinian group, one from the Daily Kos, and one from the National Organization for Women.

Nevertheless, today is a day of peace, not counting the soccer moms preparing to race to the mall and kill each other over whatever the 2008 version of the Furby is declared cool by marketers.

So in the spirit of peace, I shall even reach out to liberals. Liberals like to sue people. I therefore present my lawsuit Christmas special column.

Luckily for me, I like movie theatres, bowling alleys, and Chinese food.While today is not a holiday for me, I will confine my remarks to my memories of December 25th, and what the day represents.

First of all, as a follower of the Hebrew faith, if I ever try to run for political office, let’s get my scandal out of the way right now (no, not those scandals, the other one). When I was eight years old I tried to sue Santa Claus.

I did not know what a class action lawsuit was, but I went to my parents, and told them that if enough of my Jewish friends got together, we could file a discrimination claim against that fat, red (redacted). It just did not seem fair that he kept skipping over my house. I was a good kid (I stand by that statement).

Besides, I liked football, and Santa was built like an offensive tackle. Maybe he skipped my home because he was a 49ers fan. He did wear red, and some gold. I never did see him in silver and black. Yet I could not help think that he had a problem with the Jews. He never wore Blue and White either. Some people tried to patronize me with Hanukkah Harry. Sorry folks, that is like getting a 3 Stooges episode with Shemp. It just is not the same.

Now that I am older, I realize that God showed his love for the Israelites by making their holy day on a Saturday. This was so there is little to no conflict with the National Football League. Christians have to go to church on Sunday, and I know there are many devout Christian fathers who feel that the best way to worship the lord is with a soda and a bag of chips, and men grappling in inclement whether over an oblate spheroid.

I remember icy Decembers in New York, with ripped gloves. It allowed me to catch the football better. My parents were horrified, since they did not want the neighbors to think we were poor, when we were comfortably middle class. I did get several pairs of gloves that year, and they all got ripped playing ball, and I wore them ripped.

Some say life was simpler back then, but that is a lie. I was just too young to know any better. I did not know as a child that the Anti-Defamation League or the Equal Employment Opportunities Commission existed. There was no redress for me to go after Santa. Plus, my paper route was not enough to pay the filing fee anyway. Then again, had Santa not been anti-Semitic, I might be a liberal today, begging for free toys without doing anything to earn them. As a proud conservative republican, my kids will not rely on some overweight, out of shape has-been to get the job done.

There. I feel better already.

Santa…I’ve got my eye on you. I’ve got the legal papers, and made sure the big words were spelled correctly. If I see you skipping any houses, you better have a good explanation.

Off to find out if Reindeer meat is Kosher. Time to take down Rudolph before any more religious hatred is spread.

No, not really. Happy Holidays all!

Time to sleep in and relax. I have work on Friday. Unlike Santa, I can’t be out all night playing with animals. I have responsibilities.


5 Responses to “Joining the Jewish Journal and Suing Santa Claus”

  1. gaylea says:

    HAPPY HANNUKAH, Eric! I hope Santa doesn’t miss your house! LOL!

    This was a very entertaining post and congratulations on being accepted by the Jewish Journal of Los Angeles. That’s awesome! I hope you don’t ruffle people’s feathers too badly, but I do hope you ruffle them somewhat and make them think!

  2. Micky 2 says:

    Hanukkha Harry ?
    Thats like carving a piece of spam into the shape of a Rib eye steak.

    Look at it this way.
    Santa made up for all those years and brought you the Cannonball.

    Have a great Hanukkah Eric and thanks for all you’ve done this year.

  3. Eagle 6 says:

    Happy Hanukkha and Merry Christmas! If pictures are allowed, this is me playing Santa on FOB Bernstein… oh well, I tried to copy past a picture…

    We had a beautiful day today and feel blessed by all the support provided by so many people. Enjoy the holidays.

  4. parrothead says:

    Happy Chanukah and Merry Christmas to all.

    Hard to believe you made it into the Jewish Journal Eric. Mazel Tov.

  5. inkslwc says:

    Have a happy and safe Hanukkha, Eric.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.