Getting Gay at Guantanamo Bay

From Perez Pelosi to Nanci Hilton, left-wing bullying against mainstream America is now back in that dance that Madonna sang about Marilyn Monroe.

It does tie together since Perez, like Rita Hayworth, gives good face.

The Pelosiraptor has every right to twist and Vogue herself into a metaphorical pretzel with extra salt. This is America, and lying is not really lying when you’re a Democrat, especially if under oath.

Perez has every right to twist himself into a sexual pretzel. Who he fornicates with is his own business.

Yet apparently the tolerance does not extend in both directions. People with traditional values are under assault by fringe offshoots that have hijacked legitimate minority groups.

Miss California Carrie Prejean was not attacked for attempting to pass any legislation that could limit anybody’s freedom.

She was not even lambasted for volunteering an opinion that certain freedoms should be limited.

She was brutalized for answering a question that was asked of her by a questioner that already knew the answer. She was punished for her thoughts and beliefs.

While we already know that the Perez-Pelosi marriage of convenience exists solely to torture conservatives (yes, they do support that kind of torture), there is a solution that could benefit the Republican party and still offer a bone to the leftist zealots.

First, the terrorists murderers at Guantanamo Bay should immediately be placed in the Pelosiraptor’s San Francisco district. While they might be too moderate politically for the left-leaning district, importing moderates is good for the one kind of diversity that leftists hate, that being ideological diversity. Also, diversity of values is important. Lumping violent warriors in with violent peace activists would balance the district into a tranquil oasis of violent centrism.

Secondly, the enemy combatants of America (the detainees, not the people currently living in San Francisco) should immediately be given gay marriage rights.

I normally stay out of the culture wars, preferring to focus on cutting taxes and killing terrorists. However, San Francisco appears to be against both, and this would be a great test of how sincere the inhabitants there are in their activist lunacy.

Think about it. This is the perfect wedge issue to use against the Demagoguic Party. If Speaker Pelosi says no to giving terrorists gay marriage rights, she will further enrage the leftist crowd that thinks that storming into Churches and defacing sacred property is free speech. If she says yes, she will enrage the Islamists, who coincidentally also enjoy destroying Churches. Islam forbids homosexuality, and as Armageddonijad of Iran told his soulmates at a Poison Ivy League University, “There are no gay people in Iran. This is an American phenomenon.”

By forcing Pelosi to choose between the two groups that despise America most, we will be fracturing what consists of much of her political coalition.

What if the detainees do not want to be part of gay marriages? Heck, then we just force them.

This reminds me of some Summer camp style hijinks that took place in various places like Abu Gharaib. People were forced into human pyramids. Similar things occur at dinner parties All across America. The game is Twister. I also remember some of them having bras and panties on their head, which on College Campuses is referred to as “Rush Week.” Contrary to liberal propaganda, this has nothing to do with Mr. Limbaugh. If that “Rush Week” was on campuses, they would be bastions of sanity.

Sanity far aside, Perez and Pelosi should immediately embrace this new program, entitled, “Getting Gay at Guantanamo Bay.”

After all, they have a common natural ally in the detainees, who also wish to assault Middle America.

Also, if the detainees don’t like it, they can just blow themselves up. That was their original plan anyway. Locking people up for life that want and deserve the death penalty is cruel and unusual punishment.

Human Rights advocates, who apparently nobody listens to anyway, will argue that not all of the detainees are Muslims. Well in that case they should immediately be forced to convert to Islam. The Muslim detainees want to establish a Caliphate, and they were going to forcibly convert these people anyway. At least if we do it, we can make sure to be nice about it.

The bottom line is that, like most liberals, I am tired of Gitmo killers not being given the same rights as you and me. Speaker Pelosi must immediately come out in favor of gay marriage for Guantanamo Bay inmates, even if it means desecrating their beliefs.

After all, somebody besides Christians have to have their beliefs and rights violated on a daily basis.

Perez Hilton should immediately start drawing X-rated drawings of these Radical Muslim gay marriages. After all, what could possibly be done to somebody just for drawing a cartoon, especially if the cartoonist is also a cartoon?

I just hope that America never finds out my true hidden agenda. I want the ratios reversed so that straight men make up only 10% of Americans. Any man that is richer than me, taller than me, or driving a nicer car than me, should immediately be gay. This reduces my competition for women.

Lesbianism shall be outlawed. They are selfish, never thinking about my needs.

Yet that is for down the road. For now, in the name of tolerance, Islamist detainees should immediately be sent to San Francisco and married to each other.

Some people kill others with kindness. We can torture our enemies with love.

Support the Perez-Pelosi-Prisoner Plan.

Support Weddings for Wahabiists.

Support Nuptials for Nutcases.

Support the San Francisco chapter of Getting Gay at Guantanamo Bay.

It’s the forcibly tolerant thing to do.


9 Responses to “Getting Gay at Guantanamo Bay”

  1. hauk says:


    Although I must object strenuously to your ban of Lesbianism. 2 girls making out is just plain hot.

    It’s like a Work of Art, but without the Ivory Tower arrogance.

  2. Micky 2 says:

    Yup, just ship all the Gitmo guys to SF and then drop the “love bomb” right on the city.

    “The Air Force on Tuesday confirmed a report that in 1994 a military researcher requested $7.5 million to develop a non-lethal “love bomb” that would chemically alter the state of mind of enemy troops and make them want to have sex with each other rather than fight.”

  3. I don’t know. It seems to me the detainees probably agree with you guys more than the left when it comes to “traditional” (re: backwards) “values.” And it’s not with “middle America” the terrorists have a problem, but with Corporate Colonialist America, which is the prime constituency of the GOP, regardess of how they pander to Teabaggers and Christian Theocrats. That’s the conundrum. The terrorists agree with you guys on values, but disagree with you guys on American “exceptionalism” (re: imperialism). You’ll have to work that out between each other. In the meantime, the adults will try to handle things in a less “Summer camp style hijinks” sort of way.


  4. Dav Lev says:

    I disagree for religious reasons totally with this column. I have in front of
    me a bible ( the old one). On Mt Sinai, Moses received 613 commandments (not just 10). He came down to find his people acting
    like San Franciscans (but not all) and broke the tablets. He then back up
    and got a duplicate.

    There is an entire section on sexual relations, as those of us familar
    with the bible know. We are prohibited from sleeping with someone
    of the same sex AND sleeping with a beast (dog, sheep, horse, whatever), upon punishment of

    Speaking of death, did you know that an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth does NOT mean it literally..the punishment should fit the crime is
    more like it.

    Sooooo, I am both against gays and lesbos., no matter what
    they say about genes, psychiatry, and abusive behavior by their
    mothers, or ill timed toilet training.

    I also don’t approve of any gay couple (married or not) adopting
    a child..I mean on a Sunday do we want to hear, “Hi daddy, hi father” or
    “Hi mommy, hi mother” (upon children jumping into bed with their
    parents (sic) and then jumping on them. Oh me oh my.

    Then again, what type of role model for secuality does a same sex
    couple present?

    This is the bottom line: Other than Montana (I guess it’s large enough with a miniscule population to hide them), no area wants the Gitmo prisoners,
    just as they don’t want sex perverts.

    This is reality folks, not Obama’s good naturedness and fairness towards
    the worst, and I mean worst, barbarians on this planet.

    Oh I did find out that the bill to allocate money to bring Palestinians
    to this country has gotten no where. Frankly, I don’t want one of them
    living next to me, as do most other Arabs. Am I prejudiced, no, just

    Well, there is a silver lining there..and perhaps a rainbow.

    When we disobey G-ds commandments, we get into troublel It’s in
    the bible. Noah found out.

  5. It seems Dan forgets that San Francisco is one of the most beautiful, civil, peaceful, and pleasant cities in the country. It’s expensive as all heck, yeah, but hey, ya’ get what ya’ pay for!

    Dan also seems to forget some of the other rules passed down from the Bible, like…

    Smashing children against stones
    The consuming of family members
    The killing or casting out of people who aquire higher knowledge
    The killing of one’s own children for disobedience

    The Bible says a lot of things. For Jews, to deal with that uncomfortable fact, there is the Talmud. For Christians, there is Selective Scruipturalism. Either way, modern, civilized people ignore the parts of the Bible that are just plain stupid. The abuse and denial of rights of gay people is just plain stupid.

    By the way, on a lighter note than Dan’s conferred compulsion to kill children, the title of this post, “Getting Gay at Guantanamo Bay,” is funny as heck! Good ol’ “South Park Conservative” humor! With our good host’s background in music, he should write a satirical song with this title! Personally, I’m surprised the SP guys haven’t picked up on this yet! Sure, I think GB is a rather stupid, counter-productive, illegal institution, but there’s still lots of humor to be found in there! “Guantanamo! F*&^ Yeah!” LOL!


  6. hauk says:

    The number one reason I cannot follow the bible is that it forbids the consumption of Bacon Cheeseburgers. Personally, I could care less what two consenting adults do in their bedroom, and if they want to adopt kids- let ’em. Better they get raised in a gay household where they at least get some love and caring, than in a government orphanage.

    But I’m probably also the only practicing Heathen reading this blog, so don’t mind me.

  7. Wow! I wouldn’t have guessed you felt that way, Hauk! That’s a great attitude! I’m an atheist. I don’t know if that qualifies me as a “practicing heathen,” as I do try my best to follow such important ethical and moral standards as the Golden Rule, Turning the Other Cheek, etc.


  8. Laree says:

    Obama’s Gurus

    Paul Begala this morning on Imus in the Morning. Paul thinks Nancy Pelosi is telling the truth about the C.I.A. briefings.

  9. hauk says:

    Heathen is an old term derived from “Heath”- as in land, or countryside. It was a term given to the people outside the cities who refused to convert to Christianity (we’re talking about 500CE here). A Heathen is someone who follows the old Teutonic/Norse indigineous religions. See also Asatru- I’m sure you can find a good Wikipedia article.

    It’s the same thing with a Pagan- from the Latin Pagani, or Country person, which later evolved from Pagan to Paysan to Peasant.

    So no, as an Athiest, you’re not a Heathen. And me, I’m more Libertarian than Conservative- I definitely think less government intervention on either side is best. Just let people get on with their lives, ya know? And I’ve got tons of friends who are gay- they do their thing, I do mine, and we all get along. I don’t feel threatened by them- Hel, I often joke that I wish there were more gays- it would leave more women for me!

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