My Interview With Stevie Rivenbark

On a recent trip to Duplin County, North Carolina, in the city of Pink Hill, I had the pleasure of meeting one of the loveliest women in North Carolina. This is not just my opinion. The beauty pageant judges said so.

Stevie Rivenbark was Miss Wilmington, North Carolina. She finished in the top 10 in the Miss North Carolina pageant.

Her blinding beauty is matched only by her quick wit, sharp intelligence, political savvy, and appreciation of football. While she claims that she does not spend the bulk of her time turning down marriage proposals, I suspect otherwise.

I wanted to get to know her better, but after my speech I had to take a six hour drive to Silver Springs, Maryland. Somebody asked me if I was going to see if I could buy her dinner. I responded, “I don’t have time, but if she bats her eyelashes, I might buy her a third world nation.”

I think Laos is affordable.

Anyway, before getting to my actual interview, it is always fun to present the doctored fake interview that would have been conducted if I worked for the Jason Blair Times (New York Times for the politically insufferable).

With that, here is my fake interview with Stevie Rivenbark.

Eric: Is it ok if I tell people that you have spent your entire life dreaming about me?

Stevie: I only met you once.

Eric: Yes, but wasn’t it the greatest moment of your life?

Stevie: Winning the Miss Wilmington pageant was better.

Eric: Are you at least willing to give me credit for your victory?

Stevie: That is Ludicrous.

Eric: No, Ludacris is a gangsta rapper. Would you be my gangsta girl?

Stevie: If you ask me one more dumb question I am going to end this interview and recommend you seek professional help.

Eric: Ok, fine. Should I get down to the actual interview?

Stevie: Yes, I have been waiting for what seems like forever.

Now I will present the doctored version of the interview in the great tradition of the previously mentioned horrendously liberal newspaper based on the fictional conversation above.

Eric: Is it ok if I tell people that you have spent your entire life dreaming about me?

Stevie: Yes, I have been waiting for what seems like forever.

Now as much fun as delusions can be, the real Stevie Rivenbark interview was enjoyable because the real Stevie Rivenbark is a kind, thoughtful woman with a bright future ahead of her.

I now present my real interview with Miss Wilmington Stevie Rivenbark.

1) What is the Stevie Rivenbark story?

I was born in North Carolina, living in Wallace until age five at which point my family moved to Jacksonville, FL. I grew up there, taking Suzuki violin lessons and graduating from Douglas Anderson School of the Arts in 2005. Upon graduation, I moved to eastern North Carolina and became a political science student at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. I will be graduating on December 12, and hope to move either to Nashville or Jacksonville, FL, shortly thereafter, depending on job opportunities.
As far as my “pageant life” is concerned, I competed for the first time at the age of fifteen in the Miss Jacksonville Teen pageant. I wore an $8 swimsuit I purchased from Wal-Mart, my gown was borrowed, and my interview suit was a hand-me-down. My competition was pretty stiff; most of the girls had far more money—or I should say their parents had far more money—than I. In addition, they were all well-groomed and experienced pageant girls. Nevertheless, I was able to capture the crown and from then on was “addicted” to pageantry and have competed ever since.

2) What have been the best and worst aspects of being a beauty pageant contestant?

Competing in the Miss America Organization (MAO) requires contestants to be intelligent, beautiful, and talented, unlike some of the organization’s counterparts. Having mentioned that, my experiences with competing in the MAO have been nothing but pleasant. I have blossomed into a confident young woman capable of speaking to large audiences, appearing before the media, and performing on the spot. Prior to engaging in pageants, I was too embarrassed to perform in front of large crowds solo; now, however, I can’t count the number of times I’ve done so.

3) What political issues are you most passionate about?

As a student of political science, I’ll find it rather difficult to answer such a question with much brevity. For the sake of time and space, I am most concerned about the issue of government expansion. I realize the generality of such a statement but I am overwhelming troubled by the rapid growth of our government. It’s not a politician’s right to make any decisions whatsoever regarding my healthcare just as it is inappropriate for the government to spend my tax dollars on an matter I do not support (i.e. abortion); furthermore, it is not President Obama’s right to take away my Second Amendment right—and yes, even as a “beauty queen,” I am a gun owning, member of the vast right wing conspiracy. Simply put, government should have as little interference in Americans’ lives as possible and I’m frightened by the amount of power our federal government is assuming under the Obama Administration.

4) Who are your 3 political heroes, American or world wide?

Edmund Burke, Ronald Reagan, and a tie between Zell Miller & James Inhofe.

5) What are your thoughts on the Carrie Prejean situation with Perez Hilton?

I’ve been a victim of bias in pageantry as well, although not nearly to the extent Prejean was. I’m glad she stood up for what she believes in. Kristen Dalton, a fellow Miss NC 2006 contestant with me, is a friend of mine and I think she is well deserving of the Miss USA crown. Prejean, however, will receive crowns in heaven for her stance and has received a great deal of recognition already for her strength.

6) Have you ever been subjected to any ideological bigotry as a pageant contestant, and if so, what?

I’ve been asked various questions regarding homosexuality over the years and I might add those questions have generally come from homosexual judges. I’d rather not point fingers or claim this is a reason I was not able to win, but I will say it can be cumbersome to offer a Christian perspective on homosexuality without in some way altering a homosexual’s personal view of you, wouldn’t you say?

7) Several beauty pageant winners have had successful careers in various fields, with Sarah Palin going into politics and Gretchen Carlson and Harris Faulkner becoming news reporters. What path do you see yourself on ideally?

Eventually, I plan to run for public office myself. I have a passion for politics and I have an even greater desire to serve people and keep this country on the right track. Running for office will allow me to fulfill a lifelong career ambition while also contributing what I can to this great nation.

8.) Do you like NASCAR, and if so, # 3 Dale Earnhardt or # 24 Jeff Gordon? Any opinions on the Carolina Panthers?

I’m not a big NASCAR fan, but I’d have to pull for #3. He has and will always be a great Southern icon. As for the Panthers… considering I’m a devout Peyton Manning fan, I’ll have to just leave you with, “GO COLTS!!!”

9) Do you have any opinions on the 2009 elections?

Thank goodness New Jersey has come to its senses; I’m ready for an even better turnover in 2010!!

10) What can the rest of America learn from the good people of North Carolina?

We gave you Jesse Helms. Need I say more?

11) How would you like to be remembered 100 years from now? What would you like people to say about Stevie Rivenbark the person?

Whether people agree with my right wing conservative views or not, I want to be remembered for always standing my ground despite the criticism or grief I may receive. It’s not always easy to represent radical ideas like pro-life, heterosexual marriage, a fair tax, or anti-socialism, but someone has to do it and if a 95-pound beauty queen has to be the one to do so, albeit :)

It was an absolute pleasure meeting and getting to know Stevie Rivenbark. We have been in communication since, and she has been a joy to get to know. I wish her much success always, and look forward to her taking North Carolina…and then the rest of America…by storm.

In the tradition of their hockey franchise, it will be a Carolina Hurricane indeed.


12 Responses to “My Interview With Stevie Rivenbark”

  1. Another Republican beauty queen? Just what demographic are you guys agoing after anyway? It just goes to show how easily those who are born lucky are unable to accept that life is not so lucky for most people.

    I completely fail to see how being against gay marraige is such a “Christian” issue. Jesus never said anything about homosexuality. Paul, trying to separate then new Christian values, which at the time were still mostly old Jewish values, from Hellenistic values, reasserted the condemnation of homosexuality in his ecclesiastic instructions to the church, but asserted it is as a matter of sectarian dogma, never attributing the value to Jesus himself. The Old testament is pretty rough on homosexuality, but even most Jews today ignore those laws, as they are not contextually relevent today. Christians, having in recent times cast of contextualism in favor of subjective, selective, and rather sleazy literalism, pick and choose from the OT what they will to bash people, being sleazy and stupid enough to be drawn into divisive psuedo-issues like “gay marraige.”

    This young lady is an aspiring culprit in all this nastiness. I don’t know how she sleeps at night.


  2. Micky 2 says:

    “Jesus never said anything about homosexuality. ”

    Yeah, more BS semantics. of course he never said anything about homosexuality because the word didnt exist then.
    But the bible interpreted as the word of God says you shouldnt be packing another man.

    People who actually procreate and are capable of maining new life should get some preferance.
    And please dont try that sleazey underhanded move by asking me about those heterosexuals that are are incapable of having kids. They’re an exception and not the rule.
    Gays who adopt should be grated all the rights of any parent but those whar are actually able to bring that child to earth should get something all their own even if its just the title mnarriage.
    Only the gays who for some asinine reason who insist on having this title need their stupid selfish little arrogant heads slapped.
    If they have civil unions with all the rights of any married couple then they should shut up and sit down and let traditional married folks have what they’ve been called all along
    For liberals who are so hung up on giving everything a title and hung up on their PC crap you’d think they could understand that this title means a lot to these people.
    And those sleazebags who call them nasty need to pull it out and look at what the little creeps did when they didnt get their way in the past.

    ” It just goes to show how easily those who are born lucky are unable to accept that life is not so lucky for most people.”

    Whaaaa, whaaaa, whaaaa, I’ve had it pretty hard and it didnt take me much to figure out that someone always has it harder than me.
    Thats just another verbal ploy to try and turn what are deadbeats into victims.
    When are liberals going to learn that theres other ways to raise a buck rather than these feigned attempts at people heart strings.

  3. You’re accusing me of playing semantics?

    “Yeah, more BS semantics. of course he never said anything about homosexuality because the word didnt exist then.”

    And I suppose you don’t see the irony in this remark?

    Look, Micky, Jesus never mentioned anything about man laying with man, or women with women or anything like that. It’s hard to even assume what his position would have been as his departures from Judaic teachings were numerous and many rung of Hellenistic and Eastern philsophies, which were then already very liberal about sexuality.

    “People who actually procreate and are capable of maining new life should get some preferance.”

    Preference for what?

    And what do you care what gay people call their relationships? What does it have to do with you?

    As for the bueaty queen, I didn’t hear one single original thought from her. All trademark GOP talking points. Nothing in depth. Nothing new. So no, I don’t think she has a well-formed opnion about anything.


  4. Micky 2 says:

    “Look, Micky, Jesus never mentioned anything about man laying with man, or women with women or anything like that. ”

    You obviously paid no attention to the answer I gave, did you ?

    Try again, and pay attention this time…

    “But the” bible interpreted” as the word of God says you shouldnt be packing another man.

    here, per the “BIBLE” as I said.

    Leviticus 18:22 ESV / 14 helpful votes
    You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.

    Leviticus 20:13 ESV / 13 helpful votes
    If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.

    1 Corinthians 6:9-10 ESV / 11 helpful votes
    Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

    Romans 1:24-32 ESV / 5 helpful votes
    Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. …

    “Preference for what?”

    Excuse me please but I wrote down the preferances right after that you moron !!!

    Let these people have the title to themselves.
    Giving them some tax relief would be nice too since those first 9 months do cost money. Adoptive parents dont have to absorb that kind of cost but do get tax breaks for adopting.
    Face it, procreation is the foundation of it all buddy. lets give it some kudos.

    “And what do you care what gay people call their relationships?”

    Nice try buddy but its you guys who are demanding they be called married.
    its upon you to make the case. I’ve already made my case on the simple basis that the word has always had one meaning and it should apply to those that actually create life.
    Yeah, you can adopt and be just as good a parent if you’re gay except that you dont have both role models for the kid to follow. Its basic nature, mom and dad.
    Now I guess you’ll want to argue against the basics of evolution ?
    You need to populate the earth or regardless of your religious convictions or lack of them you have to agree that the need to populate is prevalent.
    People who make more people are the kings of the world and anyone else who wants preferance because they stick their thing in other mens rears just doesnt come close to a righteous purpose such as procreation.
    Take your gay partner, take you rights under a civil union and go away and shut up and stop trying to demand everyone treat you special just because you’re going against all laws of nature.

    “I didn’t hear one single original thought from her.”

    You’re absolutely no one to talk.

    I debate a lot of liberals everywhere and so far you’re the only one in these last few years thats so bigoted and “un original” in your positions that I’ve never been able to come to an agreement or solution with you on anything because of the simple fact that you thrive on being contrary to anything conservative. Even at the cost of lying and looking like an idiot.

    You guys have totally destroyed the english language to where we cant even identify anything by what it is anymore and now you want to go as far as to start changing the meanings behind words that have held the same meaning for centuries.
    When I tell people I’m married I dont want them looking at my wife and then asking me if shes a he or whatever.
    One word, one meaning

    “You’re accusing me of playing semantics?

    “Yeah, more BS semantics. of course he never said anything about homosexuality because the word didnt exist then.”

    And I suppose you don’t see the irony in this remark?”

    Knock knock, hello ?

    Nice try but its you who said Jesus didnt say something when its impossible for him to of said that. You took advantage of the fact that the word was not in that vocabulary in that time.
    Also, as a testimonial to your typical BS you tried to compartmentalize the conversation as if only what Jesus said could be applied in this matter.
    Jesus operated by the word of God which is every word in the bible.
    What Jesus did or did not say is irrelevant if you’re going to argue the word of God. Jesus was the word of God.

  5. Toma says:




  6. You guys are kidding, right? There’s no way you can be serious! I mean… C’MON!!! Are you guys INSANE?

    Let’s tale a look at some of the other things we have in the Bible…

    Don’t let cattle graze with other kinds of Cattle (Leviticus 19:19)

    Don’t have a variety of crops on the same field. (Leviticus 19:19)

    Don’t wear clothes made of more than one fabric (Leviticus 19:19)

    Don’t cut your hair nor shave. (Leviticus 19:27)

    Any person who curseth his mother or father, must be killed. (Leviticus 20:9)

    If a man cheats on his wife, or vise versa, both the man and the woman must die. (Leviticus 20:10).

    If a man sleeps with his father’s wife… both him and his father’s wife is to be put to death. (Leviticus 20:11)

    If a man sleeps with his wife and her mother they are all to be burnt to death. (Leviticus 20:14)

    If a man or woman has sex with an animal, both human and animal must be killed. (Leviticus 20:15-16)

    If a man has sex with a woman on her period, they are both to be “cut off from their people” (Leviticus 20:18)

    Psychics, wizards, and so on are to be stoned to death. (Leviticus 20:27)

    If a priest’s daughter is a whore, she is to be burnt at the stake. (Leviticus 21:9)

    People who have flat noses, or is blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God (Leviticus 21:17-18)

    Anyone who curses or blasphemes God, should be stoned to death by the community. (Leviticus 24:14-16)

    Anyone who dreams or prophesizes anything that is against God, or anyone who tries to turn you from God, is to be put to death. (Deuteronomy 13:5)

    If anyone, even your own family suggests worshipping another God, kill them. (Deuteronomy 13:6-10)

    If you find out a city worships a different god, destroy the city and kill all of it’s inhabitants… even the animals. (Deuteronomy 13:12-15)

    Kill anyone with a different religion. (Deuteronomy 17:2-7)

    Thanks, Bible Babble!

    You guys are suuuuuuuuuuuuuch phonies.


  7. Toma says:

    Jers, I’m confused. Am I supposed to kill you or are you supposed to kill me? I guess we should convert to Islam. The Koran is sooo much clearer about our duties to Allah. What say you?

    Debating the contents of the bible and intentions of those MEN who wrote the words is an abyss. The debate is about morality. This also is an abyss. My view of what is moral is different from your view and this probably will not change.


  8. Micky 2 says:

    So what Jersey ?
    I’m no big fan of organized religion. I’m just placing arguments that I see as valid refutals to your position
    I never claimed to be one that took the whole bible literally.
    Whats going on here ( that you so obviously once again are trying to elude from, as always ) is that you said the bible/Jesus didnt say something and I proved you wrong simply by putting it all in its proper context.

    Over and out.

  9. Toma and Micky, one very simple point:

    If you guys want to be Christians, and follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, then there is a very simple equation for culling out the parts of the OT that his teachings negated: The Golden Rule. Jesus taught that we should treat people the way we want to be treated. If you guys were gay, then you’d want to be treated just like everyone else.

    I can’t believe how hard that is for some “Christians” to understand.


  10. Micky 2 says:

    You still dont get it, do you ?
    Either that or you’re just being intentionally ignorant.

    These are the arguments the gay community are up against.
    My personal beliefs have nothing to do with it.

    “If you guys were gay, then you’d want to be treated just like everyone else.”

    The bible says you are not to be treated like everyone else.
    You’re an abomination.

    In addition, from a different perspective.
    Should anyone and everyone who strays from the bible be treated like everyone else ?

    Also, if we were to treat gays like everyone else then like everyone else they should stop demanding special legislation fopr themselves.
    RIGHT ?
    I’m not demanding that we set up any special legislation for heteros, am I ?
    If we call them “Married” after God defines it as the joining of a man and a woman then we are not treating them lik everyone else, are we ?

    Yeah, you want to be like everyone else schmuck ?
    Good, then we’ll call you what you really are and we’ll call the married folk what they really are. No more charades.
    You’re “an abomination against Christ who chooses to be called what God calls a man amd woman joined together in holy matrimony”

    Hey, we let you adopt, give you full civil rights that come with any married couple but for two gays we’ll call it a civil union, fair enough ?
    Obviously not.

    Heh, if we treated them like we treat everyone else their panties would be all in a bunch, weve seen this happen before. They dont want to be treated like everyone else Jersey !!!!
    These arrogant little fudgepackers think they’re the greatest thing on the planet.
    I dont know of any other sexual demographic that has parades in their honor proclaiming pride in their sexual deviations.

    Thats kinda sick actually

  11. Micky 2 says:

    “If you guys were gay, then you’d want to be treated just like everyone else.

    I can’t believe how hard that is for some “Christians” to understand.”

    Hmmm.. maybe a little absurd, but not too absurd, what if pedophiles wanted to be treated like everyoine else ?
    You see the bible states that wanting to lay with a child or relative is as much an abomination as laying with a man.
    Jesus really didnt feel too differently about either one
    “(Matthew 18:1-14). Although the faith as of a child is the context of the following verse, it is not a stretch to use it as a basis for a principle about the treatment of children. “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in Me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea”

    Another way to look at this is that if Christians want to be treated like everyone else, then who is the “everyone else”?
    The majority ? Or do we want to be treated like gays ?
    You cant really go asking a group of people whos religion says you’re not like everyone else to treat you like everyone else.
    I’ll respect your gay lifestyle if you respect my Christian lifestyle.
    My Christian lifestyle for centuries has said that marriage is between a man and a woman.

    Since we are the ones who’ve had ownership of this title all along the question shouldnt be “why is it such a big deal to us” but rather “why is it such a big deal to you ? And are you really practicing the tolerance you say we should have when you want to take from us all along what was ours ?

    Personally I see no reason on earth why anyone should be treated any differently for their sexual orientations.
    If this position were held from the very beginning this conversation wouldnt even be happening.
    If they can have whatever else it is everyone is getting then its time to say thank you and shut up.
    Wanting to have the name thats applied to something else for centuries is not what this is all about. Its about being so arrogant that they want the english language to be bastardized and mutated in their honor just so that they have one more freakish thing to celebrate.
    Maybe they’re jealous of the hetero couples that can actually have kids and out of spite think that being called married will settle the score?.
    I mean really, it must get to them when the closest they can come to anything resembling procreation has given them some pretty crappy results. :-)

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