I am NEVER running for political office

I am NEVER running for political office.

Let me repeat this for those that are looking for hidden clues or ambiguous meanings.

I am not, nor will I ever, run for political office.

I do have a deep passion for politics, but being a politician will not happen.

I have been approached about running in the past.

Being a politician requires a certain level of ego. When speculation swirls around a potential politico, they get built  up until they start believing their own press clippings. Then once they give in and think they really are the second coming, the knives come out and they get destroyed.

For a few brief minutes a person might give in to the gloroius fumes and think they really are that special. Then they have to snap out of it because they are not.

Why would anybody want to be a politician when they can buy them? My goal is to get as wealthy as possible as quickly as possible. Politicians are puppets. Captains of industry are the real power.

I love being a private citizen. I do as I d@mn well please, and say whatever the heck I want. I do not have to be polite. I do not have constraints.

I have several friends running for Congress. One of them…everywhere we go, he is in a suit and tie. His suit is perfect, his shirt is pressed, and his tie is immaculate. I am wearing jeans, sneakers, and a Hawaiian shirt. I just don’t give a d@mn . My shirt is occasionally wrinkled, and I tuck it in when I feel like it.

Running for office is a pay cut and a loss of prestige.

More importantly, I have too many potential bimbo eruptions.

Most importantly, if I am lucky I plan to have many more.

I just got back from Spring Break in Miami. If I was running for office I could not even think about drinking a beverage out of a girl’s yummy bouncies.

“Yeah, but Eric, don’t you care about the greater good?”

You must be confusing me with anybody else. I like making money and hot brunettes. If that coincides with the greater good, fine.

When I am married, I will be an honorable and monogamous husband and father. I am single, and make no apologies for enjoying single brunettes and their yummy bouncies and all the rest.

I could just picture myself having a combative press conference with a hostile media.

“Eric, is it true you once gave a female congresswoman a spanking?”

“Yes. She was a very naughty girl. I turned her cherry red bottom redder than red state America.”

“Was it Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin?”

“No, I wish. They are happily married, and you in the media are scumbags for bringing this issue up.”

“Are you too partisan?”

“Not at all. 20 years ago I would have spanked Barbara Boxer in a heartbeat. I am bipartisan.”

“Do you have any standards?”

“Yes, I would never date any of you in the media. I wouldn’t f*ck any of you with a stolen d*ck. You most likely all have communicable diseases given the number of people you screw on a weekly basis. The 2008 bailout package should have listed you as toxic assets.”

“What do you think of Drew Rosenhaus and Terrell Owens?”

“Next question.”

“Given that every other person on Earth is covering the health care debate, why aren’t you?”

“You just answered your own question, you dumb@ss. Every one else is covering it.”

“What if one of us in the media was a young Republican?”

“I’m in room 1217.”

“Don’t you think it’s hypocritical to be a Republican preaching family values while trying to screw everything you can get your hands on?”

“I never preached family values. What people do behind closed doors is not my business. You wish you were me. You are just like me, only more hideously ugly.”

“Don’t you think your life is morally wrong?”

“You are a member of the media. I could never sink that low.”

“Are you refusing to run because you have scandals?”

“It is a scandal if I keep it secret. I am laying it out there slower than I try to lay them on my tiger rug. Only an imbecile would listen to me disclose everything and then call it a scandal. Oh wait, again, you are members of the media.”

“Have you ever interacted with prostitutes?”

“Yes, I am talking to all of you in the media right now.”

“Do you think insulting us is going to help you develop a political career?”

“I am not running for office. I can say whatever I want. That reminds me. I wish I could slap every one of you across the face, and not in the loving way I slapped my ex-woman’s top quality grade A choice rump.”

(She is my ex, but ex-woman does not imply a sex change. She is 100% female.)

“Have you ever had homosexual sex?”

“No, but one woman a few years back had a really deep voice. I always check the Adams Apple first. As for the deep voiced girl, I am 80% convinced she was female.”

“Do you support waterboarding?”

“No, but I support motorboarding. I also support turning firehoses on media members. You have 30 seconds to clear the room before I turn this thing on. Look at me, my hose is gigantic.”

As I said, I am not running for political office.

None of these potential bimbo eruptions are deterring me. In the near future I will disclose the real reason I do not run for office. For now, as I conclude my non-announcement of my non-candidacy, I have only one thing to say to America as I do not run.

You’re welcome.


3 Responses to “I am NEVER running for political office”

  1. “Why would anybody want to be a politician when they can buy them? My goal is to get as wealthy as possible as quickly as possible. Politicians are puppets. Captains of industry are the real power.”

    If our good host knows this, then why does he so vociferously support so many of these puppets?

    Not all pols are puppets of industry.


  2. Micky 2 says:

    Read your statement back to yourself and tell me you just didnt conflict yourself like a flaming idiot.

    Not all pols are puppets of industry ?

    That not only one the most idiotic statements I’ve eve heard, its also one of the most naive, ignorant, pethaticaay ridicuous thinhgs ever said

  3. Micky, are you that insanely cynical? Really? And just what is the “conflict” in what I said? If Eric thinks all pols are puppets, and yet supports about 40% of them, then he supports puppets. That’s terrible thing to knowingly do.

    There are lots of pols that are not puppets of industry, at the local, state and federal levels. Not everyone is on the take. Though the “honest” ones tend to be either on the far right or the far left, and so have litle power, they are still important players in our body politic and we should laud their integrity. Some are simply independently very wealthy, and do not need to take money from industry, but many of the wealthy need to take that money because it affects their wealth. The majority of those who do not take industry money are just plain ol’ good eggs. They are out there.

    Here’s an interesting study on why some senators, for example, take the position they take on the “Public Option”: http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/2009/06/special-interest-money-means-longer.html

    The reason the senate gets so little good done these days is that it is very expensive to run for statewide office, and so industry money is more prevalent there. In the House, where races are cheaper, there are more honest pols. But the percentage is low.

    There’s a gray area here too. Some pols take PAC money but not business money, some do just the opposite. Some take neither. Some PACs do good things and I’m glad they’re there. Some are just crooked shills for industry. The best and fairest way to handle it all is to say that campaign financing can ONLY be done but individual donations with a very low cap, like $25. Otherwise, the contributions should be considered bribes, because, let’s face it, that’s what they are.


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