The NRA and Chef Boyardee

Before getting to football, one of the things that gun control advocates use to attack the National Rifle Association is the tragic scenario of a child picking up a loaded gun and accidentally killing themselves.

This literally and figuratively misses the mark by trying to blame inanimate objects for incorrect human behavior. As with any other product, gun owners need to be responsible. It is impossible to legislate intelligence and logic. If it was, most people would be conservatives anyway.

(Yeah, that was gratuitous. Let it go.)

Yet a recent experience has me thinking that we must “do something” to save people from themselves.

It happened in my home the other day.

One minute it was a normal day. Moments later, a simple misfire shot me right in my eye. There was what appeared to be blood everywhere. I was not in tremendous pain because it was only a ricochet, but I realized that unless government got involved and regulated these things, somebody was going to get killed.

That’s right. I am talking about the “Killer Pop Top.”

It turned out after careful inspection that it was not blood. It was tomato sauce. Either way, the shirt would require extra heavy laundry detergent.

I don’t know who the people at Chef Boyardee are trying to market to, but their product is deadly.

Can one of these d@ng spaghetti and meatballs containers not be a deadly weapon? It is like a Jack-in-the-Box mated with a coiled snake and produced a dinner made by Chucky, and I don’t mean the mouse behind Chuck E. Cheese either.

Can liberals in Congress mandate warning labels stating that opening this product may result in an unclean kitchen counter?

Also, how did it get past my glasses? I was not wearing safety goggles, but still. One minute I was getting ready to attack lunch, and the next minute lunch was attacking me.

I am not saying we should mandate a public safety course before opening a Chef Boyardee Killer Pop Top. However, perhaps there are some voluntary training videos we can all watch before operating these things.

Also, Chef Boyardee may wish to lower its prices by 1% to take into account that we do not get to eat every single ounce of the product. A couple of droplets cannot be reached, no matter how deep one maneuvers their mouth around the inside of the lid.

You may not be concerned about this, but if it was your child with a tomato stain in the eye you would feel differently.

I would write my Congressman, but he is an imbecile. However, such touchy-feely stuff may allow him to actually be of use.

To make matters worse, this happened during halftime. By the time I reacted to getting struck in the eye, the second half kickoff had already happened. Sure, I could have gone back and seen it anyway on Tivo, but the moment was gone forever. In fact, my entire existence was pushed back a couple of minutes. My choices were to either oversleep by a couple minutes the next day or sacrificing those two minutes of slumber forever.

So thank you Chef Boyardee, for getting around FDA regulations and allowing me to be shot with the force of a tomato-coated bullet from a pasta machine gun.

I will not be suing because when their products are not trying to injure me, they are mighty tasty. I especially like the Canneloni derivative that consists of…well, not sure exactly. It is yummy though.

I survived the episode, but I am warning these Chef Boyardee cans themselves…I have my eye on you. If you even try to shoot at me again, I will wear the safety goggles and a smock. You will be powerless. Then I will burn you to death in my microwave and eat you until you are gone forever.


New England Patriots @ Detroit Lions

(Patriots by 7, they cover)

New Orleans Saints @ Dallas Cowboys

(Saints by 3.5, they win but fail to cover)

Cincinnati Bengals @ New York Jets

(Jets by 9, they cover)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Giants

(Giants by 9, they win but fail to cover)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Buffalo Bills

(Steelers by 6, they win but fail to cover)

Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans

(Texans by 6.5, they win but fail to cover)

Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins

(Redskins by 2.5, Vikings win outright)

Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons

(Falcons by 2, they cover)

Carolina Panthers @ Cleveland Browns

(Browns by 10, they win but fail to cover)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Seattle Seahawks

(Chiefs by 1, they cover)

Miami Dolphins @ Oakland Raiders

(Raiders by 3, they cover)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Chicago Bears

(Eagles by 3.5, they cover)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Baltimore Ravens

(Ravens by 7.5, they cover)

St. Louis Rams @ Denver Broncos

(Broncos by 4, they win but fail to cover)

San Diego Chargers @ Indianapolis Colts

(Colts by 3, they cover)

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals

(49ers by 1, Cardinals win outright)


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