Ways to make the Royal Wedding even more boring

In Royal Wedding news…oh, who gives a d@mn?

That concludes the official Royal Wedding news report.

Good lord people, the world is on fire.

If I am a Libyan or Syrian dictator right now, I would be shooting everybody in sight while the cameras of the world are trained on some ceremony involving people that have no official real power in a nation that has not led the world in about 80 years.

If I am leading Israel, I build as many settlements as possible in the next 24 hours. Build, Bibi build.

I am sure the people in Tuscaloosa, Alabama can take solace in knowing that even though their homes have been destroyed, at least a pair of uberwealthy people are publicly displaying their extravagance in front of other uberwealthy people. Those in Missouri and North Carolina concur.

I am not saying I would like this to end up like the 1984 “Dynasty” Moldavia Wedding Massacre (Joan Collins deserved a better script than that, and the show never recovered), but at least Richard and Esther Shapiro gave us Catherine Oxenberg to look at. She is a tad sexier than Camilla Parker Bowles, and Michael Nader as Dex Dexter was smoother than Prince Charles (Then again, who isn’t?).

The only reason I am not covering the NFL Draft today is because it will take time to analyze everything. That deserves an entire weekend, and thankfully ESPN does not waste time on anything European outside of major tennis and golf tournaments. NFL Network was created for weekends like this when the rest of the world is obsessed with nonsense.

Yet as boring as the Royal Wedding is, there are ways that it could be even more boring.

Al Gore and John Kerry could be asked to give competing toasts. The first one to have somebody die during their remarks would be the bigger loser.

Barack Obama and Prince Charles could have an ear wax removal contest. Given that both of these men have spent years ignoring people, there must be some serious buildup going on. Maybe 1980s rapper Q-Tip from Tribe Called Quest could officiate.

Queen Elizabeth and Hillary Clinton could have a waving contest. Where outside of the Queen of England and the Secretary of State do people get paid to wave “hello, hello, hello”? Getting paid to do nothing but sip tea with insincere people while smiling and waving “hello” is a sweet gig if one can get it. Also, neither of these women paid taxes on income for years. They are practically sisters.

In fact, the ladies could have a tea sipping contest sponsored by Tetley. Slurping would result in automatic disqualification. Judges would analyze the angle at which the cups are held and the precision and synchronicity with which they are placed down on the coasters.

In fact, this Royal Wedding is so boring it should be on C-Span. At least the British House of Commons is interesting, although not as cool as the Asian legislators getting into fistfights. Watching U.S. Senators discuss the minutiae of bills makes me long for the days when there were only five channels and my television had snow.

The Royal Wedding could be worse if it was announced by the same golf announcers who mumble through the British Open.

“It was a perfect shot (inaudible mumble), he read it exactly right (incoherent gibberish), he is on the green (joke about the 14th Century nobody understands), and is reaching for a five iron (joke about what he is really reaching for that nobody finds funny).”

A multi-hour documentary could explain why the song “Greensleeves” is neither about anything green or about sleeves. In fact, it has nothing to do with anything involving nature or clothing.

In the buildup to the event, a pair of movies I had zero interest in watching could be played. “The English Patient” and “The King’s Speech” could be spliced together into one big snobfest of British pretentiousness that received critical acclaim. Critical acclaim is code for boring.

So now let’s analyze what can be done to make the Royal Wedding interesting.

Absolutely nothing.

So does this make the event useless?

Not at all. Videotapes of this event will serve a purpose that could potentially benefit mankind for years to come.

Use the Royal Wedding tapes to torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

I don’t give a d@mn if the ACLU tries to block this under the Eight Amendment ban on cruel and unusual punishment. Let them be forced to watch the tapes first and they might be pro-torture.

This concludes anything having to do with the Royal Wedding.

May one day the only British Queen spoken about be Freddie Mercury and may pomp and circumstance be returned to the 17th Century where it belongs.


One Response to “Ways to make the Royal Wedding even more boring”

  1. Micky 2 says:


    Boy George is biting his lip.

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