Spring Break 2012–Back to South Beach Miami

Over the last few months, I have sacrificed much for this nation I love. My goal is to fire the current president and replace him with a Republican. Yet given that Republicans have been rocked by scandals in recent years, it is imperative that these candidates be vetted.

Americans need to know that the Republican nominee is not hanging out in a hot tub with college coeds on Spring Break. They need to know that they are not in the wrong nightclubs.

The only way to ensure this is to do a sweep of all the danger zones. Every hot spot must be checked out.

Before the Florida Primary, I checked South Beach thoroughly. Neither Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, or Mitt Romney were on Collins, Ocean, or Washington Avenues after dark. While they are all courting Marco Rubio to be Vice President, neither they nor he was hanging out at the old Versace House while I was there.

Then before the Nevada Caucus, I scowered the Las Vegas Strip. None of the candidates were at Tao, where women dressed as mermaids do their dances in bathtubs. I stripped the Strip clean, and there were no Republican presidential candidates in sight.

It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.

Then before the Hawaii Caucus, I made sure that Kuhio Avenue in Waikiki was without incidents. None of the call girls on Kuhio or Kalakaua saw anything they would admit to. While they liked Ron Paul’s libertarianism with regards to prostitution, they had no opinion either way on abolishing the Federal Reserve. Regarding Ben Bernanke, they were fine with him as long as he paid their going rate.

Mitt Romney sent his son to Honolulu, while Rick Santorum sent his daughter. Neither of them got into any trouble that the press would report about.

Yet perhaps the reason these candidates stayed out of trouble is because the entire world media was following them. What if they were so clever that they waited until the coast was clear to sneak back?

With the Louisiana primary today, searching Bourbon Street up and down would have been the obvious thing to do. Yet it would be too obvious. Of course Newt Gingrich would not be in Wet Willie’s with the media following him. Rick Santorum would visit local churches, but with pastors everywhere, making a stop at Patty O’Brien’s to down a Hurricane would be too risky.

Yet with Rick Santorum all but assured of winning Louisiana, and Mitt Romney pursuing a general election strategy, what if he took a secret trip back to Florida? What if Ron Paul went trolling through the nightclubs teaching young people how to take the delegates?

For these and other reasons, I decided to return to Miami Beach. Last night, from the Versace House to the Clevelander, the drinks flowed, the ladies bounced and jiggled, and the presidential candidates stayed out of plain sight. There was dancing and laughing, but zero politics that could be easily spotted.

One individual did have a “RUN DC” t-shirt with a picture of Barack Obama on it. Yet RUN DMC has not put out new music in awhile, and the dj did not play any. While there were large men in black with earpieces, no evidence surfaced that President Obama or his rivals were the reason for this security. Apparently South Beach has trouble from time to time for those not obeying standard societal norms.

On the way back from the clubs, I stumbled across tons of police sirens. One officer was holding a camera in his hand, which meant only one thing. Another quiet night in Downtown Miami meant another homicide. This was tragic, but the good news is that none of the candidates have been implicated.

Since Mardi Gras has already come and gone, there is no reason for me to fly to Bourbon Street at this time. After the Louisiana Primary, there will be a 10 day break in the presidential calendar. After that, the next stops are Maryland, DC, and Wisconsin. Nothing scandalous ever happens in the greater DC area, and Wisconsin is…well, Wisconsin.

So the only logical thing to do at this point is continue to investigate in South Florida. Given the Election 2000 debacle, no amount of investigating Miami is too much.

I do this because I love America. The scantily clad, giggling, libertine women have nothing to do with it. Research comes in many different, shapes, sizes and lack of clothing styles.

Spring Break 2012 is now underway, and the presidential candidates had better be warned. If they come to South Beach, I will know about it.


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