My 2016 presidential platform

My 2016 presidential platform

Awhile back I made my presidential announcement. I announced that I was considering a run for the White House.

Then I announced my presidential exploration. This meant that I was exploring a run.

I will be at the debate but not the straw poll, I will not be participating in the debate as a candidate because I have not decided to run. I am attending the debate to hear the questions asked so I can determine if I would want to answer them. I would have attended the straw poll because I like barbecue. The best barbecue would help me determine who my most toughest challengers would be. The Iowa straw poll was canceled, cheating me out of good barbecue.

At some point will come a presidential decision. Until then, today is dedicated to my presidential platform should I decide to run.

Initially I was very leery about offering a platform. After all, some guy got elected in 2008 without anybody knowing what his platform was. He was tall, had good hair and a winning smile, and crisp shirts and neckties. He was also a minority, as am I. The female Democrat front-runner has no platform. So perhaps a platform will not be needed.

I grew up in the 1980s watching MTV, and I remember when Randee of the Redwoods ran for president. He he even had a campaign song entitled “Just say whoa!”

As he pointed out in an interview, it is a bad idea to have a platform. People may like you but then decide not to vote for you just because they don’t like your platform.

The current president clearly understands this. He can wave and smile with the best of them.

Yet as a country music star sings, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” So against the advice of unpaid political advisers disguised as people offering useless unsolicited opinions, here is my presidential platform.

1) Cut taxes

2) Kill terrorists

That’s it.

For those who need elaboration on the first one, “cut taxes” is short for “Shut the hell up, cut my (blanking) taxes you corrupt useless (blankety-blanks) and get the hell out of my life.”

Kill terrorists can also be explained as “gratuitously blow stuff up, screw collateral damage, destroy everything knowing some of them will be terrorists.”

I could tell America that other ideas are being fleshed out, but that is not true. Trying to do too much at once means doing everything badly. So after cutting taxes and killing terrorists the only thing left to do would be to put my feet up on the desk and make sure a picture is taken of me lighting a victory stogie. Somebody else would take the picture because selfies are disgraceful reflections of those who celebrate being over doing.

That concludes the rollout of my presidential platform. While it is obvious I would win if I ran, there are other considerations. People who run face scrutiny, and I detest scrutiny. It’s nobody’s damn business that I may or may not have disclosed or undisclosed peculiar habits. Elaboration is not needed since I have not decided if I am running.

I will make a formal decision before Labor Day or whenever I damn well please, whichever comes last.


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