State of the Useless: My Summit With Barack Obama

It is time for a presidential summit featuring a half-black and half-white leftist fellow with big ears and a pasty white vertically challenged Republican Jewish blogger, both with winning smiles.

President Obama, I would like to invite you to join me on February 13th to a very special summit just for you and me. I will be at CPAC on the 12th and I know we will both be busy with Valentine’s Day on the 14th. Yet the 13th is the first Sunday of the year without football. You and I both know there will be nothing to do.

After listening to your state of the Union Speech, I realized that it is time for you and I to engage in an athletic competition. Don’t worry, it won’t be bowling. I want your best, not your worst. It will be like the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, only we will eat at a much more leisurely pace.

I would like to have a navel gazing competition with you.

February 13, 2011, Nationwide Event: STATE OF THE USELESS: NAVEL GAZING SUMMIT!

Before you get excited, this is not where we sit on the beach and ogle women in bikinis. Also, we will not be staring at each other’s bellies. That would be creepy.

No. We will both sit in lawn chairs outside, and deeply contemplate our own respective navels.

I warn you sir, I am prepared. I went to a liberal arts college. I know how to navel gaze with the best of them. For the record, my navel is round and symmetrical with zero imperfections. Whoever cut that cord did a great job. There is also not an ounce of lint in my belly button, although your policies have left plenty of it in my pockets.

Like the Miss America pageants, there will be more than just looking spectacular with our shirts off in self-admiration. There will be a talent contest, where we spout meaningless phrases that on the surface seem deep and meaningful but really mean actually nothing. You said several of them last night, and many people considered them brilliant solely because you said them. This allows you to be for and against the exact same thing and always be right. It is impressive.

You find privatizing Social Security to be a risky stock market scheme while celebrating the rise of the market.

You want us all to like teachers, as if people are running around saying they hate them.

You believe parents should help kids with their homework, as if there is a powerful lobby against that.

You want America to be in favor of innovation, as if that viewpoint has ever been challenged.

You celebrate innovators while absolutely burying the very essence of what innovation is about.

You laud entrepreneurship while insisting that the public sector creates anything of value.

Sir, governments destroy value. They add regulations and bureaucracy. Free enterprise is the very antithesis of government. Limited government is necessary to prevent anarchy, but preventing destruction is not the same as creating something. This is why you praise the number of jobs you have “saved.” You cannot quantify it, and you know that is not the same as jobs actually created.

You want to take from the oil companies so you can create a green utopia without any contingency plan if unproven green technologies fail. The fact that oil actually works is lost on you.

You are so far above the rest of us mere mortals because you are thinking decades into the future. Yet all of your pontificating does not seem to explain to people what you will do in the next six months to get people back to work now.

Increased education may help somebody several years from now, but plenty of educated people need jobs now. High speed rail will get people places fast, but if they have no place to go and nothing to do, they will not travel. All of the government money poured into electric cars will fail because people are not interested in a green revolution right now. The only green they care about is money. They don’t have it.

I know you are a magician who walks on water and I accept that you are able to recycle toilet paper because your (redacted) don’t st@nk. This is why I believe you can spend into the stratosphere and save at the same time.

Just because you did not name a single program you would cut does not mean you are full of (redacted). You truly believe what you say. In your world, freezing spending really does mean cutting.

I used to think that you were a cold, clinical Vulcan. Dr. Spock lacked empathy, but at least he was logical. I am not sure what you are. Your proposals are illogical, but you also fail to exhibit any human emotion. Perhaps you really do care more about trees than people. You would not be the first liberal blessed with this “vision.”

This is why it is so important for us to spend time together. You can wax poetic for hours on why everything you are doing is working while the world burns. We can ignore everything around us, as you have done the last couple days by ignoring the terrorist attacks in Russia.

(and the last couple of years as people begged for jobs and you responded with destroying their health care, harassing small businesses, and beating people into submission in the name of bipartisanship.)

Not to worry you sir, but some of the people blown to bits were driving hybrids. Trees also suffered.

Anyway, rather than attack your many deficiencies, I think I should be fair and highlight your strengths. Your shirts and ties are crisp and you have good hair.

So let’s celebrate what you love to celebrate most, you being you. It is not about your doing anything. Your very being is an invaluable enough gift.

If I win this navel gazing competition with you, don’t worry. I know you have nothing to get back to, and Joe Biden will be just fine managing absolutely nothing. So we can make it a best two out of three.

At the end of the evening we will have the final contest where we lay back in the lawn chairs, pour water in our navels, slap our stomachs, and see who can make the water jump higher. Think of it as golf, but with action. Then we will gaze into the future with very serious poses so that observers think we are really doing important things that matter.

We can even bring schoolchildren in to wave pompoms and shout “Yes, we can” like your supporters do at memorials and other campaign events.

I challenge you Mr. President. May the best navel gazer win. I suspect it will be you, but your very essence and speeches inspire me so much that I now have hope that I can change the results, win the future, and defeat you in this contest every bit as important as anything else you do daily.

February 13, 2011 is the date, and we now have the official slogan:

Whether innie or outtie, it’s onnie!

eric

6 Responses to “State of the Useless: My Summit With Barack Obama”

  1. The biggest problem I see with “privatizing” social security is that you’d be pumping hundreds of billions of dollars into the stock market that otherwise wouldn’t be there. Doesn’t sound like sound free market, capitalistic thinking to me.

    As for teachers, the right has been indiscriminately bashing them for years.

    And to say the public sector creates nothing of value whatsoever once again illustrates the knee-jerk, reactionary, arbitrary, indiscriminate nature of conservative thought

    JMJ

  2. Dav Lev says:

    Several items came to my attention these past few weeks, as follows:
    Sarah Palin was soundly criticized by many Jewish US rabbis for
    alluding to the “blood libel” in her speeches. For those who do not know,
    this was a libel against Jews who were thought to have used the blood of gentiles to bake Passover cookies. (Never proven)

    Over the past 3 weeks, hundreds of Iraqis have been killed or wounded many of them at funeral tents, or other occasions of mourning, mostly Shias. Several police applicants have been killed while standing in line.

    Lebanon’s leadership has been overthrown, because the P.M. was an agreed to party to a long and tedious investigation by the UN, to determine who killed his father. It is believed Hezbollah had a hand in it, the same partys MKs which just brought down the govt. The family of the P.M, is under arrest.

    Radicals in Egypt and Yemen are taking to the streets, facing batons
    and arrests..and detention and killings.

    I received an email from a group which believes our President
    was not born in the USA or ever naturalized, thus is illegally
    holding down the Presidency. It advocates citizens arrests.

    Social security will dry up in 2037, based on some reports.
    Republicans are demanding more raids on suspected illegal
    workers, in lieu of other remedies (raids are typically used by
    activists to show how unhumanitarian we are and police brutality).

    Iran is sending warships to patrol the 3 waters near Israel, including
    the Gulfs and Med. to gather intelligence, and show there might (one
    home made destroyer). Also, it will send a message to our 6th fleet
    to stay away.

    And back at the ranch, Obama makes inspirational speeches about
    education and its importance to our future.

    Folks, over one third of college entrants never graduate.
    In some high schools, 50% never receive their degrees.
    Most US teens are unfit for any military service, to be made
    up of gay people who are physically fit.

    Regardings social security, it should be left alone, unless someone wants to
    buy US stocks and bonds, at their risk, and only a small percentage.
    The market goes up and down for those unawares.

    Federal employees have a thrift savings plan, which allows for several
    types of investments. But, the funding comes from both the employee
    and matched by the agencies. Gains are taxed when cashed out.
    The history of earnings is good, but some investments are very risky.
    It is NOT a social net.

    With respect to Lebanon, Yemen, Egypt and Tunisia…do we not recall when
    I advocated allowing Israel to crush w/o mercy, both Hezbollah and Hamaas. Now look what we have. Thanks Hillary, the EU,UN and Arab League.

    Its just getting exciting folks. Israel has 500 1megaton nukes..ready
    to use if necessary to allow them to exist. Whoooosh….over Tehran, Damasacus, Beirut, Gaza City and Sidon.

  3. prying1 says:

    The most important part of this “Summit” contest, as I see it, will be the “Winning Smiles” portion. Having once met you in person I will testify that your “Winning Smile” is real and not a paste job as is that of your opponent.

    Regarding the “Navel Gazing” portion of the competition. Although it might be as exciting as was the “Insinuation of the Union Speech”, I’m sure it will only hold everyone spellbound because at the same time your “Winning Smile” will be there for the real center of attraction.

    Then again… I’ve never seen your navel so it might end up drawing more attention by the crowd of spectators than I would expect. – Hope to be there. – PRY –

  4. Micky 2 says:

    “Doesn’t sound like sound free market, capitalistic thinking to me.”

    Capitalism is the fre market…bozo

  5. Micky 2 says:

    “And to say the public sector creates nothing of value whatsoever once again illustrates the knee-jerk, reactionary, arbitrary, indiscriminate nature of conservative thought”

    Tell me, what do they create thats not mitigated by defeating cost levels ?

  6. blacktygrrrr says:

    The event now has an official slogan.

    Whether innie or outtie, it’s onnie!

    eric 🙂

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