THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Thank the heavens. Finally there is resolution to a non-scandal I never cared about. Now America can get back to talking about the only thing less important in this world, that being the Royal Wedding.

Ok, enough talk about the Royal Wedding.

I have never cared about the Obama birth certificate issue. I repeatedly said that Barack Obama is a Christian born in Hawaii. While there are public schools that may not know Hawaii is a state, it actually is. I have also repeatedly stated that Mr. Obama loved the birth certificate issue because it made his critics look like frothing lunatics.

Sometimes people conceal stuff because they are hiding something. Bill Clinton his his medical records and Hillary Clinton sealed off her college thesis. Actually, everything the Clintons did was concealed in Whitewater fashion. John Kerry did backflips to prevent people from seeing that he had lower grades than George W. Bush, while Al Gore did not want people knowing that he flunked out of law school and divinity school.

Yet sometimes people conceal stuff because they have nothing to hide. Then the critics look foolish. I felt this was the birth certificate issue.

The issue was pointless because even if he had been born in Kenya, he would not have been fired on the spot. A lengthy impeachment trial would have taken place. 67 votes would have been required for a conviction. That never would have happened. Even if it did, Joe Biden would then have become President. Nobody wants that, and having him run for reelection as an incumbent would have only helped him. So there was no political upside to pursue this.

Pursuing the birth certificate issue was a distraction from the fact that Mr. Obama conceals virtually everything. I would have loved to have seen his college transcripts. A birth certificate tells people where Mr. Obama started his life. A college transcript gives insight into his actual views. It is too late for that now, but had the lazy slobs in the media done their jobs, maybe we would have known his thinking.

(He could always say he was younger then, but it would have been a conversation worth having. Thesis papers do matter.)

I now admit that Mr. Obama was not born in New York. My theory about him being created in an IBM laboratory has been debunked. I figure Alfred E. Neuman mated with IBM hardware, creating the computer that is our leader. It would explain the lack of empathy and emotion. Maybe IBM had a satellite office in Hawaii. Donald Trump should keep his investigators in Honolulu.

(One thing about Trump, the Celebrity Apprentice star sure got Obama to crack in ways nobody else could. That absolutely is a victory for him simply by forcing Mr. Obama to act.)

Now Mr. Obama may be pressured to release his social security number. He should not do this unless he wants every college fraternity to be ordering pizza and beer and charging it to the White House. The FBI financial crimes division will have to spend hours monitoring every transaction at Bloomingdales for fraud.

So what was the big deal? What was Mr. Obama trying to hide?

His mother.

That’s right, the issue was never Barack Hussein Obama. It was Stanley Ann Dunham.

That’s right. His mother’s name is Stanley.

Stanley? Are you kidding me?

This explains everything.

Barack Obama’s mother was obviously a hermaphrodite.

On the television show “South Park,” we found out that Eric Cartman’s mother was really also his father. Matt and Trey Stone were simply trying to offer a thinly veiled clue to the truth about President Obama.

If my mom was named Stanley I would keep that quiet as well. On “the Honeymooners,” Ed Norton told Ralph Kramden that if he wanted his son to grow up to be a fighter, “Name him Percy. He’ll get into a lot of fights then.”

This explains why Barack Obama is the most effeminate man in American politics not named John Edwards. Mr. Obama did bowl a 37, and it looked like the ball hurt his wrist. The only guy less manly than Barack Obama might be Phil Donahue.

At this point black Americans are pointing out that his father was normal. Only the Caucasian part of Barack Obama may be Hermaphrodite.

This does not make Mr. Obama bisexual, although I think it is fabulous that Americans are ok with having a transgendered president.

Now that we know what he was trying to hide, can we finally move on?

Then again, the father was not listed on the birth certificate. What if Mr. Obama is not partially Kenyan? What if he is not even partially black?

Look at the man. Look at his ears. It’s obvious his father was either Ross Perot, Dr. Spock or Prince Charles.

This means we could have our first Vulcan president. Even worse, maybe Mr. Obama is a British subversive trying to give America back to the monarchy. Maybe he admires European style social democracies because he is a closet European.

Then again, being British is not so awful. At least he is not like John Kerry denying his Frenchness.

If Barack Obama really is the son of Prince Charles, that would explain his combination of arrogance and obtuseness. Yet that would mean something even more awful.

When he and Michelle renew their wedding vows, the world would have to suffer through yet another Royal Wedding.

Please lord, no. Anything but that.

So let’s congratulate Mr. Obama on his mixed gender, 100% American heritage and get back to what really matters. His policies are dreadful.

eric

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 28th, 2011 at 10:44 am and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.