Jane Fleming–Lust gone bust, attraction retraction

Well folks, it was bound to happen. I engaged in behavior that Zell Miller would describe as a “deficit of decency.” I crossed the line. Time to make things right.

John Edwards has a supporter named Jane Fleming that is frequently a guest on Fox News. She runs a group called Young Democrats for America, or something to that effect. While I disagree with her views, and am not an Edwards supporter, her undeniable physical beauty caught my attention. Perhaps I could have expressed myself in a more tactful manner. I do not remember the exact words, but I think I mentioned something about having her on top of a pool table until we were both scuffed.

It was pointed out to me today that Jane Fleming just got married. I was not aware of this at the time. Had I known, I would have either not mentioned her, or toned it down ever so slightly. A man does not sexualize another man’s woman. The code of honor among men renders married women off limits. The fact that, as Ted Koppel points out, that the ten commandments are not the ten suggestions also plays a vital role.

Some may say that if she was single, my comments would still be inappropriate. Nonsense. Feminism did not get invented so that women could be reduced to delicate, fragile little flowers. It was not meant to destroy the laws of nature, or for those of you believers, God. Boys like girls (Yes, there are gay people in society, but the overwhelming majority of people, for better or worse, are heterosexual). Boys want to sleep with girls. Provided that they are not married and are over the legal age of consent, this is natural, biological and highly appropriate.

People will try to limit me, so I will never in life limit myself. If I want to sleep with someone, I will simply tell them, and let the chips fall where they may, or the fists fly where they may if I am not careful about how I phrase it. The key is to be closer on the tact scale to Marvin Gaye (Sexual Healing, Let’s Get it On) than 2 Live Crew (Me so horny, Pop that coochie), even though both types of songs have the same message.

I did not know Jane Fleming was married. I do not regret objectifying her sexually for any other reason than that.

This is not a namby pamby non-apology “statement of regret” that Bill Clinton made famous. This was not an “if I offended anyone” copout. I expressed lustful sentiments in an X-rated manner towards a married woman. I have to do a better job of researching these things.

I will survive. I have an MTV style attention span (although sadly enough the 80s rock bands I like are now on VH 1, a humbling life development). By tomorrow I am sure I will be able to find several hot women that are single, and therefore fair game for X-rated commentary.

Ms. Fleming, I regret not being able to act out with you the things I vividly described. However, I regret more that you were not single when these sentiments were expressed. Your fella is a lucky man. I still disagree with you on virtually every political issue.

I wonder if she has a republican Jewish twin sister with incredibly loose morals. Perhaps it is too soon to think such thoughts. Actually, if they are triplets and trapeze specialists…

Wait a second, the whole point of this was to apologize. Can an apology be sincere without an improvement in behavior? Well what actually defines an apology? Maybe I was too harsh on Bill Clinton. I mean this lust stuff is kind of powerful.

Ok, back to surfing republicanjewishcybersluts.com (no, it’s not a real site, although if anyone creates it tomorrow, I better get royalties). I am such a disgrace to the republican party sometimes. The family values crowd and social conservatives are not pleased. As I have said before, it is my God given right to be unprincipled up to a certain point.

Ms. Fleming, every word I said about biting through your trousers was said with the idea that you were single. It will not be discussed from this day forward.

Lust has gone bust, so consider this my attraction retraction, from a conservative who desired a liberal taste of Jane Fleming up until…but not after…her last name changed.

Ok, off to engage in self congratulatory behavior for having the ability to admit I was wrong. Perhaps I can cry on cue for the television cameras. Bill Clinton’s lower lip quiver and gentle tear from the eye would be helpful.

What was my point again…oh yeah…girls…yummy…bouncy…delicious…tasty…but only if they are single and available…oh, and brunette would be helpful.

To all the hot married women on Earth…sorry! Didn’t mean it!

Ok, my Orinoco is flowing…or perhaps just my sincerity.

Oh, and liberals, do not blame all conservatives for these thoughts. They are as embarrassed that I would use such inappropriate language as they are that I would be attracted to a liberal, married or otherwise.

I blame Clinton…Not Bill Clinton…George Clinton…it’s just the dog in me. Come to think of it, that covers Bill as well.

Ok, Western Civilization survived my deficit of decency. As for getting over Jane, I will survive like Gloria Gaynor.

Wow, that was quick. Off to watch sports highlights and eat junk food.


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