I doth protest too much

The Chicago Cannonball is spending a few days in Los Angeles, and I have decided to give her a soft sell presentation on this city that is as gentle as a time share presentation. She will love this city, d@ngit. Yet no matter where one goes in life, some things are unavoidable. I used to think it was death and taxes, but a good CPA can help with the latter. Yet next to death, there is still one completely unavoidable societal threat that is storming across America, leaving destruction in its wake.

That threat is protesters.

I have never come as close to advocating the end of democracy as I have lately. I have come to the realization that I want freedom for me and nobody else. Actually, if I like you, which is slim but theoretically possible, I can let you be free as well.

I am just tired of people protesting. I even remember the movie “Politically Correct University (PCU). Everybody had an ax to grind. The “normal” students were not political. They were just passionately apolitical. The best scene in the movie is when they are hanging out in the top floor of one of the buildings on campus. The feminists and the vegans are having a joint protest session, so these young men do what anybody who has had enough would do in that situation. They throw meatballs at them. As balls of beef covered in what appeared to be marinara sauce pelted the crowd, society was improved. The protesters dispersed.

I cannot express how many police officers, still stung by ridiculous claims of actually enforcing laws against thugs, are afraid to use tear gas and rubber bullets against protesters.

This has been gnawing at me because the problem is getting worse, and even bright people like the Chicago Cannonball cannot see it. What she sees as democracy, I see as a threat to good, decent people who want everybody else to sit down and shut up. I personally think April 14th should be “Shut the hell up and go to work day,” because that is what April 15th really is anyway.

I don’t mind people having opinions. I just wish they would keep them quiet and not ever express them.

A couple protests in recent days left me worried about the future survival of civilization. As I said, the Chicago Cannonball saw things differently, but as I have explained to her, just because she is hot, that does not automatically make her right. Actually, normally it does, but I am the evoking the “I am eric, therefore I am right” doctrine.

The first violent situation occurred in Chicago. Chicago is a city built on violence, from Al Capone to God, invented (or created for believers) snow. The Chicago Cannonball and I went outside to catch a taxicab. It was at this moment that I saw what appeared to be the angriest lynch mob in the history of lynch mobs on that day on that block.

The Chicago Cannonball insisted that the protesters actually seemed quite peaceful, and that there no appearance of any violence. She is so naive. I tried to explain to her that there were two large poles with fire attached to them. At any moment Molotov Cocktails were going to be thrown through brick house windows, and terror would reign in whatever part of Chicago we were in. I also saw a giant cross, and wondered which unfortunate victim would be pinned to it and left to die. These animals had to be stopped.

A police officer was standing by, and for some reason was not dispersing the crowd with a rubber hose. Yes, they were assembling peacably, but at any moment a riot was going to break out. I asked the officer what deadly event was taking place, and his response chilled me to the bone. He was so cool and calm as he replied, “It’s Palm Sunday.”

Apparently Palm Sunday is the Sunday before Easter. As far as the true risk of this event, the danger to the protesters seemed to be in front of hypothermia. Chicago does have indoor churches, but these people decided to worship outdoors in the bitter Chicago cold. I am not a theologian, and my knowledge of Christianity is limited, but based on what I saw, Jesus froze to death. I know I nearly did.

Nevertheless, the riots that had plagued Chicago in the past were averted as the crowd merely wished each other and passerbys the well wishes of Happy Easter. I still maintain that the police presence saved the City of Chicago from the mob.

Yet the dangers of Chicago paled in comparison to the terror that took over the streets of Los Angeles. The weather of Los Angeles is a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that the conditions are ideal for me to live. The curse is that undesirables make their way here, and then have the gall to protest on the streets.

I have often said that people that come to America and then complain about everything and demand new services should just be shipped back to whatever  hostile nation they came from, be it Iran, the Sudan, or Canada. If you cannot be hopeful in America, then you need to be drug tested. If you cannot find happiness in Los Angeles, then the drug test is not even necessary. You are on drugs, and should just be shipped somewhere cold like Siberia or Detroit.

Yet some people cannot be happy anywhere, even where the weather is warm and sunny year round. The Chicago Cannonball escaped a snowstorm to be out here having fun in that warm California sun. Yet when she met me for what was supposed to be a peaceful lunch with her turned into potential danger when all hell broke loose on the streets of Los Angeles. The Chicago Cannonball herself crystallized what all protests are about.

“What do we want?”


“How angry are we?”


So as the people demanding that homosexual vegans be pulled out of Iraq immediately had their say, the only question would be which representatives of nonsense would block traffic today. It is not about politics. It is about me trying, to quote Jim Carrey in Liar Liar, “to get from the sidewalk to the office without being confronted by the decay of Western society.”

I saw the police, and they would simply again not use their guns or batons. One of the officers remarked that the people were protesting for the right to do less and get more.

I saw the signs that said “J 4 J.” I realized Los Angeles was under attack by a dangerous cult. The Jews for Jesus are defective Christians, nothing more or less. Their goal is to take all Jews and convert them using various subversive methods such as mind control. It amazes me that Guantanamo Bay is under assault, yet the Jews for Jesus roam free. Most Christians do not recognize these individuals as anything other than oddballs.

As I prepared to pick up my ineffective cellphone and pray that the Jewish conspiracy that antisemites rail on about exists, I was ready to leverage that to call every Jewish person from Alan Greenspan to Bibi Netanyahu to help me save the streets of Los Angeles.

As the holy war prepared to engulf the city in flames just like in 1992, I pictured what new products I could obtain when the dust settled. The first LA Riots allowed me to get a new VCR (no, not really).

Just before I prepared to do my Sylvester Stallone Rambo impersonation, allowing me to show the Chicago Cannonball how much of an alpha male I am, she noticed something about the signs.

The J 4 J signs were not from the Jews for Jesus. They were from an organization wanting “Justice for Janitors.”

I have to confess even I found the issue noncontroversial, and for the first time in my life, did not have a strong opinion. I like janitors. Without them, million dollar salespeople would be helpless. Try taking a client to a meeting and then losing a deal because they are uncomfortable with the washroom.

I asked the police to hold their fire, and they cooperated. The Justice for Janitors had their say, and then there was calm when they were done.

On the way home, more protesters were fired up, this time about Tibet. Other than a “Separated at Birth,” column showing the Dali Llama resembling Jiminy Cricket, I did not know much about that either.

I could run them over with my car, but I giess they have a right to exist.

Perhaps I doth protest too much myself.


3 Responses to “I doth protest too much”

  1. Jersey McJones says:

    I always wondered… Should protesters who protest against other protesters protests, be called Antitesters (or is that what to call kids who cut class during exams?)?


  2. micky2 says:

    Protesters who protest other protesters are called protestosterones
    Kids who cut class during exams are called Democrats.
    Its not that they cant handle the test.
    Its just that they have too many protests scheduled to fit in school work

  3. David M says:

    The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the – Web Reconnaissance for 03/30/2008 A short recon of what’s out there that might draw your attention updated throughout the day…so check back often.

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