Dale Earnhardt, Donald Rumsfeld, Silvio Berlusconi and Blue Pulaski

In NFL news, the Super Bowl was two weeks ago and I am already hating the offseason. I wish there was a way I could snap my fingers and have it be September, without me being older.

Yet this is a big weekend for sports, which is very rare when football is not being played.

NASCAR is back with the Daytona 500. This is a very special race, since it is the 10th anniversary of the death of Dale Earnhart. I was a huge fan of the Intimidator, and have not really been able to watch a complete race since his death. Junior has the pole, and I hope he wins.

I think the reason I became a fan of Earnhardt is because even as a kid I loved the color black. It got me rooting for the Raiders, and eventually it carried over to Earnhardt with the black car, black shades, and black jacket. He was an outlaw, and I always rooted for the outlaws. His mustache reminded me of Raider greats like Ben Davidson. I think that same attitude and color scheme is why I rooted for Darth Vader, whose last name rhymes with Raider. Also, I really hated Luke.

As for that black car, # 3 had the coolest set of wheels since Burt Reynolds, the legendary driver in Smokey and the Bandit. Kitt of Knight Rider does not come close.

What made Earnhardt exciting was not when he was in first place in a race. The thrill of the race was the chase, with Earnhardt in second. You would sit there and wonder what he was going to do to take down the guy in front of him. He often would. Watching him do donuts after finally winning Daytona was great, as were his post victory press conferences. A few years later he died on the final turn of the final lap of the greatest NASCAR race. Farewell Intimidator. A decade later, you still rule NASCAR in our hearts.

Yet one of the reasons this is such a terrible sports Sunday is because a man I admire politically crossed over into sports. I was fine with Donald Rumsfeld when he and the Neocons were blowing stuff up in Iraq and kicking Saddam’s @ss. Yet Mr. Rumsfeld is now on my bad side for adding one more nation to the Axis of Evil. Yes, he has gone after the Raider Nation, calling us evil.


This hurts, and not because I supported Rummy. It hurts because when we were evil, we were good. When we became a bunch of law abiding citizens we stopped winning.

One of the great football documentaries of all time has Ronald Reagan discussing the “Evil Empire.” Then the screen cuts to a photo of Lyle Alzado walking on the field as the announcer says that “Football’s most evil empire wore the Silver and Black.” Late in the documentary President Reagan calls winning coach Tom Flores and says, “I just received a call from Moscow. Marcus Allen is a new secret weapon and he must be dismantled immediately.”

So perhaps I should take Rummy’s words as a compliment, but if the Raiders want to make it mean something, they need to get back to their winning ways. Once we throttle his Steelers, I will make sure Mr. Rumsfeld knows about it in an email from me. The Evil Empire of football will return, and the Raider Nation will have the last laugh.

What else is there to think about? Let’s be honest, without football, sports is done. Sure, there was the case of the boy who refuses to wrestle women. There is only one question to ask this young man.

Is he nuts? Some of the happiest moments in my life have been wrestling with women. It always ends well, every single time.

Did he think he would be seen as the second coming of Andy Kaufman? I guess some guys are just not cut out to wrestle women. Thankfully I am. Yet even in my heyday, I needed a hero I could look up to and believe in. I needed a wise elder to consult on the subject. So I ask myself what any man would ask in this situation.

What would Blue do?

His name was Joseph “Blue” Pulaski, and he was the oldest man in “Old School,” one of the greatest comedies ever made. He did die in the 2003 movie, and died in real life in 2005 at the ripe young age of 86. Yet his final film role was his finest, as he did what every many from age 12 to his age of 84 hopes to do. He was wrestling women. His real name was Patrick Cranshaw, and I say to him what many young men said to him in his final years of life.


“Blue! You’re my boy blue! You’re my boy!”

So as for this young athlete that refused to wrestle a woman, I can understand why it would be less appealing without all the Jello.

So I say to this female wrestler, sorry that the guy rejected you. It was him, not you. I have a bathtub with lemon lime Jello and Will Ferrell in the background singing “Dust in the Wind” if you want to wrestle me. It is only a tape, since if Ferrell was actually in the room it would be creepy. If my voice is not sexy enough, I can have Vince Vaughn narrate.

Yet for some people, even coed Jello wrestling is not enough. For those finding those activities too tame, there is always the new sport sweeping the world, that being Bunga Bunga sex parties.

Bunga Bunga is most likely as much fun to do as it is to say. I have no idea what Bunga Bunga actually means, but it sounds like something involving a trampoline. As we all know from Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla of the “Man Show,” there is nothing like watching women on trampolines.

Apparently Bunga Bunga parties are why Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is such a happy guy at age 74. His paramour was 17 year old “Ruby the Heartthrob.” Anthony Quinn was 81 when he impregnated a 19 year old, and 76 year old Tony Randall married a 24 year old. Berlusconi is an Italian billionaire. So why is he bedding down women 1/4 his age?

Listen closely…I will say it again…Because…He…Can.

Yes there are women protesting in the streets. Anybody notice the men aren’t? They know d@mn well if they had his money and power they would be doing the same thing.

David Cameron of England married Samantha Cameron, and illicit pictures of her are all over the internet. Does anybody think Nicolas Sarkozy cares about being seen as a great leader of France? No. He cares about letting everybody know he is married to Carla Bruni.

Bunga Bunga Berlusconi is basically Hugh Hefner except with a better accent. Let him have his fun.

This concludes this week’s sports report. Yet as much as stock car racing, Jello wrestling, and Bunga Bunga trampolining are great sports, none of them are football.

I will not mention the NFL L-word, because I am convinced they will get a deal done. They have to, or I will go bonkers. It has only been two weeks and already I miss football.

In less than seven months, it will be time to kick off the 2011 NFL Season.


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