My 2016 presidential speech

My 2016 Presidential Speech

As speculation over whether or not I run for President reaches a fever pitch, it is time for my first major speech.

I began by making a presidential announcement.

I announced that I was considering a run. That concludes the announcement stage.

Then I made a presidential exploration.

This meant I was exploring the race. I would have set up an actual exploratory committee, but I was busy and I detest committees.

Then against my own belief system, I offered my presidential platform.

Should I run, I offered a couple of issues I believe in despite the fact that some people would vote against me based on issues. “Cut taxes, kill terrorists” was my slogan.

The final step will be my presidential decision. Either I will run or I will not run.

Yet today is about my first presidential speech. I have been to Iowa and South Carolina. I was told going to those states builds speculation.

I even booked a ticket to New Hampshire, but did not get on the plane. I detest cold weather and it should dip below 70 degrees within the next few months if not already.

Nevada is the fourth early state to vote, so I may show up there if my friends want to hang out in Las Vegas. No pictures will be allowed.

Florida also may have some early clout, and I would spend time in Florida out of respect for the many fine citizens there. Also, my parents live there and they let me raid their fridge.

Regarding my speech, I will use poll tested, focus group approved buzzwords that sound lofty but mean actually nothing. The words “innovate,” “technology,” and “21st century” will be repeated despite the fact that anybody with a kindergarten education knows what century this is. I am supportive of “middle class families,” as if anybody running a campaign would say they are against them.

I will claim that anybody who disagrees with me is evil, while I am reasonable and centrist. I will also create straw men, saying that I am against running over small animals in my car, implying that my critics favor this.

I will praise the military because that gets applause lines. I will claim that America is the greatest nation on Earth because nobody in their right mind would claim that America is the worst nation on Earth. After all, on our worst days we are not France.

If people are unsure of where my applause lines are, I will start clapping myself so that they all follow. Then I will tell the crowd to calm down, although I really want them to keep applauding. After all, applause takes up valuable time and requires me to supply less actual content.

I will conclude by explaining that while I know the crowd could listen to me for hours, NFL football was about to start on another channel.

During my speech I will do one of three things. 1) Decide I am running. 2) Decide I am not running. 3) Decide neither because it is nobody else’s business. I will decide when I am good and ready.

This concludes the rough outline of my first presidential speech. It will begin on a Saturday in Iowa around 1pm CST and conclude the following Thursday around 7pm EST in New York for a total of 125 hours. It will be less lengthy and boring than the current president’s speeches, and will perhaps fail to contain less substance.

I expect you all to listen because if I talked and you did not listen, I would be mistaken for the current White House occupant. If you all can pretend to care about what he has to say, do me the same courtesy.


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