The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies–2009 Nominations

On June 21st, 2008, I wrote what to this day (God help us all, America) remains my most popular column.

I listed the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies. 30 liberals, 30 centrists, and 30 conservatives were judged by their T and A.

This is not a beauty pageant where idiotic things like talent competitions take place. It is solely based on physical appeal.

For those of you who are feminists, shut up. I don’t want to hear it. If you were more attractive, you would want to be judged by your looks, and kill to be on beauty lists. Until politically correct people are out buying the Susan Boyle Swimsuit Calendar, get off your moral high horse.

This is not misogyny. This is a celebration of female beauty, and nothing more.

I would like anybody and everybody to send me ideas. For those to embarrassed to leave them in the comments section, email me privately.

For those who disagree with my final decisions, get your own d@mn blog. This is subjective.

Below were my choices for the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2008.

Liberals/Democrats: I left out Senator Barbara Boxer because she is older now, although she was a hot piece back in the day. I left out Obama Girl because she was too lazy to even vote for him. Patti Davis, despite a playboy spread, should be off the list because her father, the great Ronald Reagan, deserves to rest in peace. Al Gores former campaign manager Donna Brazile almost made the cut, due to her salacious appearance on the Colbert Report where she offered to have sex with him in a Kansas City hotel room. This list was written before I saw Washington State Senator Maria Cantwell on television. She will absolutely make future lists.

With that, the official list is below.

10) Rachel Sklar–She is affiliated with the Huffington Post. Providing a link to promote that site is a non-starter. However, with her, just hit the mute button and enjoy.

9) Julie Roginsky–She is a democratic strategist. She is hot. She speaks as well, but I remember not one word.

8.) Sarah Gore–Her father tried to steal an election, but she used to steal the loins of men with pulses. She recently got married. I am green, but with envy, not environmentalism.

7) Lisa Lange–She is associated with Peta, and was behind their naked marketing campaign. She is proof that no matter how awful an organization is, guys will listen when a woman is promoting nakedness.

6) Alexandra Kerry–I really wanted to be between her legs in 2004, but not enough to vote for her father.

5) Segolene Royal–The former French Socialist candidate for Prime Minister is so regal. She was sleeping with the party chairman, and they had kids. The French election was a coin flip, since my head supported Nicolas Sarkozy despite her being a hot piece of tail.

4) Julia Allison–She used to date a democratic senator. Every aspect of her life is on the internet. She is like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show, only with a much sexier body and much more granola lifestyle.

3) Jackie Clarke–She did an entire play dedicated to the movie Showgirls. She likes football, cursing, and talking about her female body parts. She is equally frightening and ketchup bottle worthy.

2tie) Norah ODonnell–She is an impartial analyst on MSNBC, meaning she is a liberal. Again, this is a visual contest, with the less auditory aspect being the best. She is stunning.

2tie) Naomi Wolf–Yes she has become part of the lunatic fringe that believes in 9/11 conspiracies, and compares President Bush to the evil in this world. Who cares? This is a subjective beauty contest, and she is a hot piece of Jewish rumpus. Plus, one of her sex books helped me get more than my fair share, which proves that even feminists can be useful from time to time.

1) Jane Fleming–Recently married with two children, those pouty lips of hers are a perfect fit for her constantly angry television appearances. I think she actually has a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that she keeps on her kitchen counter. She is the reason pool tables were invented.

Centrists/Independents: Entertainment reporter Shira Lazar would have made the list, but she rarely discusses politics. She is a sweet girl, and easy on the eyes. Sarah Silverman frightens me to death, and her comments are barely political. She is proof that hot women can say anything at any time for any reason.

10) The women of Poland–Women in Poland are stripping naked to protest against politics being dominated by men. I support their freedom of expression.

9) Alison Rosen/Michelle Collins–They are both commentators on Redeye, and I do not think they have ever been on at the same time. They might be the same person. I hope they have 8 yummy bouncies instead of 4.

8.) Gloria Estefan–Yes, she is a Cuban singer. She also got very political during the Elian Gonzalez fiasco. I would do the Conga if I was in bed and she was there.

7) Tammy Bruce–I am pro-gay rights for everybody except her. We should donate ugly women to the lesbian community in exchange for her. She curses like a sailor, and the fact that I am completely intimidated by her is a turn on.

6) Ashlee Dupree–Any woman that destroys Eliot Spitzer and appears in a Girls Gone Wild video is a Goddess. I normally do not endorse drugs and prostitution, but she is why the lord created Spring Break.

5) Campbell Brown–CNN would have much higher ratings if she was allowed to moderate Presidential debates in her undies. She is a smart woman, but this column could care less. She reigns supreme at the Cheesecake News Network.

4) Kiran Chetry–She is also a Cheesecake News Network girl. She was not the hottest woman at Fox News, but at CNN where the journalistic standards are lower, her legs fit in perfectly.

3) Dagan McDowell–Scarlett Ohara made it to Wall Street. Her accent could melt butter, and her brilliance is overshadowed by her beauty.

2) Mirthala Salinas–She is the news reporter that slept with the Mayor of Los Angeles with a name that is hard to spell. I give the Mayor credit. He has excellent taste.

1) Carla Bruni–She is the first lady of France. Nicolas Sarkozy understands that the only reason to gain power is to bed models. Between Bruni and Royal, the French have all they need for a prime time jello wrestling special.,_Gloria/Pictures/

Conservatives/Republicans: I left Barbara Bush off the list. I am not referring to our current President’s mother. I am referring to his daughter. Barbara is adorable, but out of respect for the Dub, I will say no more. George W. Bush, just know I want to be her Secret Service body guard. Please do not waterboard me, I voted for you twice. Michelle Malkin is not on the list because I am beyond intimidated by her. When she goes on television and flares her nostrils in anger, I want to hide in the corner and cry. I am a sissy. Patricia Heaton, who played the wife on Everybody Loves Raymond, is one hot mom. She has contributed to republicans, and I wonder if she was naked when she wrote the check. Fred Thompson’s wife Geri is stunning, but out of respect for the Alpha Dog, I will leave it at that. I met them and liked them. The blogosphere has a republican Jewish blogger named Spree. When she becomes more famous, I will make sure the world knows that I was the one who made salacious comments about her when others ignored her body and insulted her by judging her blog on the quality of the writing.

10) Jeanine Pirro–She may not have defeated Hillary Clinton in New York, but this prosecutor would easily win a contest over Hillary in terms of who guys would want to paddle. She also appears on Redeye, where she pops out opinions as she pops out her cleavage.

9) Amanda Carpenter–This Townhall political reporter is an incredibly sweet person. I almost left her off the list out of respect, given how dignified she is. However, I needed one more name, and she is very pretty.

8.) Sarah Palin–She is the Governor of Alaska, and a possible candidate for Vice President. Her 91% approval rating may be because men outnumber women in Alaska by 25-1.

7) Kate Obenshain–She claims to have 4 children. Some women never age. She is deep into republican politics, and I am deeply into her, albeit from afar, given the restraining order.

6) Michele Bachmann–This Congresswoman from Minnesota is smart as a whip. She is not into whips, preferring family values. She was never in Bachmann Turner Overdrive, but she turns me into overdrive. She should reprise the role of underwear model made famous by Terri Garr.

5) Angie Harmon–She is married to retired football star Jason Sehorn. As the hot republican prosecutor on Law and Order, her first episode was fabulous. When she thundered, “Hang ‘em all, no deals for anybody,” I realized that there is nothing sexier than a tough hot woman in charge of the penal code.

4) Mary Katharine Ham–I met her in real life, and she is incredibly classy and dignified. She is a sweet, cool person. She was the subject of the worst blogging 4 part trilogy in history, which began with “Help me Rabbi, I am desiring Ham.”

3) Julie Banderas–As for why I want to paddle her, it might be because I have a pulse. College students may not get Playboy in the dorms, but viewing her on Fox News is the next best thing.

2) Andrea Tantaros–This republican strategist has a devastating piercing tongue, and men around America want to experience it. She was the spokeswoman for Jeanine Pirro, and they would rival any mother-daughter jello wrestling tag team.

1) Shannen Doherty–Her speech at the 1992 Republican Convention captivated men. So did her playboy spreads. I have met her and spoken politics with her. I wish I had taken her on top of the jewelry table, but I was moderately less tactless back then.

Now the only thing to do is to select the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2009.

Let the bouncing begin.


5 Responses to “The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies–2009 Nominations”

  1. Micky 2 says:

    Kimberly Guilfoyle, I cant stop looking at her mouth.
    Molly Line, eyes like diamonds.
    Tracy Byrnes, looks like she’d wear you out.
    Tanya Acker. Just plain pretty

  2. Guys, this is a little high school-ish… But hey, whatever floats yer’ boats.

    I’d like to hear Eric’s and the rest of you guys’ take on what’s happening in Iran. For a long time I’ve ben reading about how Iran has a very youthful population and that they’re getting tired of the Mullahs and their stupid and dangerous theocracy. On the other hand, the guy who’s the standard bearer of this movement is really no better than what they already have. It can all seem sort of pointless. I don’t know what to think – but I’d like to think Iran may be finally starting to come around to a First World way of being.

    I’m also curious to hear what you guys are thinking about the Obama administration’s response to all this. I don’t know if obama’s doing the right thing by staying out of it. I get the whole “don’t play into Ahmedinejad’s hands” thing, but given the apparent feelings of the Persian youth, I can’t see how it can hurt. On the other hand, if the Mullahs wanted Mousavi, he’d probably be the president-elect over there right now, so maybe Obama is more worried about playing into the Mullah’s hands than he is about the Persian youth.

    Anyways… I couldn’t care less about “bouncies.”


  3. Micky 2 says:

    “I couldn’t care less about “bouncies.”
    “Guys, this is a little high school-ish… But hey, whatever floats yer’ boats.”

    Yeah, but whats really grown up is to photoshop horns to Bushs head.


  4. Okay, ya’ got me on that one! LOL! In my own way, I’m just as adolescent as the next guy. I play video games. I watch cartoons. I listen to the heavy metal station on the radio once in a while. I shouldn’t knock you guys for “bouncies.” It’s all in fun. ;)


  5. Stix says:

    I would nominate our friend Skye from Midnight Blue.
    Monica Crowley and S.E Cupp

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