THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

For those who wonder why I would spend a lovely day in Birmingham, Alabama, typing on a keyboard, rumor has it that I occasionally type my column the night before. In Los Angeles I can predict the weather most of the time, but if it starts pouring in Birmingham, I can always edit this.

Saturday consists of meeting the Jewish people of Birmingham, and Sunday consists of meeting republican leaders in Bama. It will be a Republican Jewish Coalition function, so there will be religion and politics, two of the three things that should not be discussed.

The third one is sex, so hopefully a couple Scarlett O’Hara types will complete the trifecta of decadence.

Barring that, I am continually amazed at how people on the coasts truly believe that red staters are a bunch of hillbillies. Yes, hillbillies do exist, but at some point it is healthy to actually meet and talk to people. I have actually met blue staters that are not elitist snobs that I want to smack within seconds. Heck, some of them are quite enjoyable when they sit down and stop babbling about nonsense that only they care about. Heck, some of them even like football.

I say this because as soon as my buddy and I got to Birmingham, our initial plans of raisng hell and tearing up the town gave way to his exhaustion from driving a couple hours and my jet lag. We turned on the history channel, apparently because ESPN went to commercial. I am not ready to declare this network the Revisionist History Channel, because I have not watched it often enough to draw that conclusion. However, for those who have certain images of red staters, boy did this program live up to the ridicule.

The program was about Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton, a moonshiner in North Carolina. First of all, the guy makes Boomhauer from “King of the Hill” seem coherent. Secondly, not since Roscoe P. Coltrane chased Bo and Luke Duke has moonshine been something to capture more than five minutes of my attention.

As my buddy cringed, insisting that there was no way this fellow could be real (he did look like a comic book character that an elitist such as Garry Trudeau would create to denigrate southerners), the internet confirmed that bootlegging is alive and well. This being the 30 year anniversary of Smokey and the Bandit and all, I am sure his family is proud. Actually, a further surfing of the internet tells me his daughter has a blog about him, and the purpose of the blog is to tell the world she hates him.

Just when I thought the idiocy could not get any worse (I am always wrong about that), I saw on the news that a liberal congressman wants to have all people who attend Nascar events in North Carolina get tested for various diseases. So apparently enjoying Nascar is a way of spreading communicable diseases. I could not make this stuff up if I tried.

I guess I am just not enlightened or sophisticated enough to make real contributions to society, but at least I can beam with pride and say that I never won a Nobel Terrorism Prize. I wish Prince Albert had stayed in the can. Having said that, I have to give him credit for carbon credits, or as I call them, “screwup credits.”

Here is how screwup credits work. I get to act like a screwup and destroy the environment by flying in private jets, and to offset this, other people cut back on their energy consumption to make up for my bad behavior. Everybody wins. The people cutting back on energy get to feel pride, and I get to make speeches and fly around the world.

Imagine how this idea has been used in the past.

Israel is one big screwup credit. Jews were murdered throughout history, but then Israel was created. It works perfectly. Jews have one place they can go and be among other Jews, and to balance this out, they can still be murdered everywhere else.

Hey, maybe we can apply screwup credits to the future. If people in Oregon would just plant twice as many trees as usual, then I can burn down the local forest and build a shopping mall. If more people in some areas would have the courage to quit drinking, smoking and doing drugs, then those who refuse to quit can do twice as much with a clear conscience.

Now I just need to find more people to get up early, exercise more, and become vegetarian. That way I can sleep in tomorrow even later than normal, and start my day having two burgers instead of one.

So from what I have learned today, liberals are virtuous by talking about good deeds while conservatives spread moonshine and diseases.

It is a beautiful day outside (memo to self…be prepared to edit this line), and despite my best efforts, I just do not have the time to break down the political views of Kukla, Fran and Ollie. Most liberals thought that the puppets on that program were right wing hatemongers, and that the original title of the show was “The Ku Klux Klan and Ollie.” Then again, maybe had the cast of that show taken conservative republicans and set them on fire, the puppets could be winning Nobel Peace Prizes right now as we speak. After all, the bar is lower than a limbo stick right before I fall on my hide.

I could have offered an assessment of the autobiography of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. The book is fabulous, but I only finished half of it. I will read the other half on my way back to Los Angeles. One of my many great gifts is the ability to sleep very well on planes. Even the brilliant Judge Thomas could not keep me awake. After all, I took a sleeping pill before the flight. Well, not an actual sleeping pill…I read Al Bore’s acceptance speech. After all, it takes a great man to have people with an ideological agenda similar to his to offer him an award usually only reserved for failed Presidents, bloodthirsty terrorists, or both. I am not sure what protecting trees has to do with ending genocide, but perhaps I can save the life of a mattress by going on television and announcing that I will lead an awareness campaign to prevent people from cruelly ripping the “do not rip” labels off of the products. So many mattress labels get murdered every year. Like babies being ripped out of the womb, these labels are ripped from their mattress mothers.

For those of you who are passionate about Kukla, Fran, Ollie, Popcorn Sutton, Roscoe P. Coltrane, or my friend Billy who played high school football at Alabama, I trust that this column is worthy of an award. All I need to do is find somebody who contributes less to serious society than I do, and have them present me with a journalism award.

See how easy it is? Typing on a computer from Alabama, I am benefitting the world. Besides, on days when I have even less to say than today (let’s hope not), I can always save the environment by recycling…old columns that is.

eric

(I use parentheses when dealing with irrelevant people who barely deserve a mention. I will not be discussing the winner of the Nobel Terrorism Prize, since the award is meaningless until Armageddonijad wins. For those who care about nobodies, a link is below. Now for serious business about people who matter)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;jsessionid=BYVTNMH40LUKZQFIQMGSFFWAVCBQWIV0?xml=/opinion/2007/10/12/do1202.xml

It is one thing to be a 4th tier candidate with no shot of winning the republican Presidential nomination. It is another thing to violate Ronald Reagan’s 11th commandment, “Thou shall not criticize any other republican.” Yet it is treasonous to claim that unless you are the nominee, you may bolt the party.

Unlike democrats that eat their own, whether it be Joe Lieberman supporting the war in Iraq or Bob Casey Sr. for being pro-life, republicans truly are a big tent. Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe are as welcome in the party as Bob Barr and Newt Gingrich. Some on the left claim Jim Jeffords was forced out, but he voluntarily left, which is the type of problem that affects the left much more.

Yet when all is said and done, and the primaries are over, republicans are to circle the wagons and support the nominee. Exceptions can be made for hatemongers such as David Duke, but there is no one political issue that should ban good republicans from supporting other good republicans that bested them.

The other night, during what was a mostly meaningless republican debate, the question was asked of the lower tier candidates…”If you were to not win the nomination, would you support whoever the nominee was?”

Duncan Hunter and Sam Brownback both said yes. They did say that they believed it would be somebody who shared their values (translation, pro-life), but did say they would support the nominee.

Ron Paul and Tom Tancredo said no. Ron Paul and Tom Tancredo must go.

I do not have litmus tests for abortion, gay rights, stem cell research, or other hot button issues. My litmus test is the big tent that is the party that Lincoln created and Reagan expanded into a governing majority. I will not have it torn asunder by spoiled brats that think that their almost 1% in the polls gives them the right to decide what the other 99% may believe in.

Giuliani, McCain, Romney and Thompson should marginalize these traitors as quickly as possible unless they retract that statement. The debates are for republicans, not those who will only be republicans if they and they alone win. That is not acceptable.

These men Rupaul and Tancredo will not threaten to walk, because nobody would follow them. It is time they are pushed. Unlike Israel, where parties with 5% of the vote get to blackmail parties with 40% of the vote, the USA is based on fringes being treated as such. No, everyone does not deserve to be represented. Those who favor bestiality or child molestation do not get representation just because there are enough of them to merit an asterik among the population. The general public gets represented, not the lunatic fringes.

The democrats should be in sync on this issue. Any democrat that does not promise to support the democratic nominee should immediately be asked to leave.

This is not about blind loyalty. It is about putting the good of the party above one individual.

For those who want to bolt the republican party, there are plenty of other parties looking for candidates. The republican party belongs to republicans, and no one republican gets to decide who does and does not get to join. There are a unifying set of values, and again, acceptance of others in the party is mandatory. The Christian Coalition and the Log Cabin Republicans can disagree on policy, but they had better not try to treat the other side as second class citizens.

James Dobson said that he could not support any candidate who was pro-choice on abortion. This is begging for a Sister Souljah moment where somebody tells James Dobson where he can stick his threats. It is one thing to issue concern. It is another to issue ultimatums. There is only one ultimatum that matters…get on the train or get off.

Duncan Hunter and Sam Brownback fell into line. They should still be quietly asked to leave the stage, but politely. Rupaul and Tancredo will not go quietly. They do not do anything quietly, or with dignity. It is time for them to leave, and if banning them from the debates is necessary, then so be it.

The Republican Jewish Coalition is hosting a candidate forum. This is a serious look at serious issues that the RJC believes in. Since the primary issue is the War on Terror, of course Giuliani, McCain, Romney, and Thompson will be in attendance. Huckabee had a scheduling conflict. Hunter, Tancredo and Rupaul were not invited because they have no shot of winning. Rupaul threw a tantrum, because that is what he does. In addition, Rupaul is anti-Israel, which is putting it mildly. How dare a Jewish organization not allow an anti-Jewish candidate to address them? Next thing republicans will be forced to debate on MSNBC…ok, bad example.

Sam Brownback was invited due to his long history of supporting Israel, but make no mistake about it. This is a winnowing event. If we give equal time to every candidate, then I can file papers and demand a speaking role. At some point the madness has to stop.

Tom Tancredo is a one trick pony, and his one trick is a divisive issue. Simply put, the Wall Street Journal and National Review are both well respected, and they sharply disagree on illegal immigration. It is one thing to have only one issue. It is another to have one issue that republicans sharply disagree on. As for Rupaul, he has one issue that republicans overwhelmingly agree on…against him. He is against the War, and republicans overwhelmingly favor it. It is ironic that Ron Paul is so awful on Israel, because he would fit in well there, where any extremist left or right can find five or ten followers and get Knesset seats.

Yet in America, we govern from the center. This is a center-right nation, and the major republican candidates are all somewhere on the mainstream center-right line.

Therefore, any so called republican that cannot swallow their own pride and admit that a better man beat them should just go away.

I wish all four of the top tier candidates were in our government. Perhaps Guiliani as President, Romney as Vice President (McCain would never accept it), McCain as Secretary of Defense, and Fred Thompson as Law and Order in Chief as Attorney General. Maybe Mike Huckabee can be the head of faith based initiatives, or Secretary of Education. Duncan Hunter could be Deputy Secretary of Defense, or perhaps Secretary of State, where he could try and reform the culture there. Sam Brownback could take whichever of the two posts Huckabee does not want.

As for Rupaul and Tancredo, they have already promised to possibly betray the party. I take them at their word. They will not leave, so they must simply be forced to go.

Maybe Giuliani’s security firm or Thompson’s Law and Order character can find some law enforcement officials to arrest intruders who try to crash a debate when uninvited.

As for the RJC event, it will be ultra-professional.

Without Rupaul and Tancredo, they are already off to a great start.

The rest of the republican party can learn from the RJC.

Only serious, dignified, 11th commandment supporting republican candidates need apply.

eric

Maybe it is because I stay up too late when I contemplate my column, but I think debate fatigue is setting in.

I still like the major republican candidates. I think the top four candidates are all good men. Yet at some point, and that point is long past, other candidates need to realize that their 15 minutes of fame ended 20 minutes ago, and they need to leave the stage. The initial debates were fun, free for all sessions that resembled early episodes of American Idol. However, listening to the earsplitting sounds of hacks gets old quickly, and people want the truly talented and meritorious to be on the stage.

As for the debate itself, CNBC is investing for dummies. Yes, Maria Bartiromo is hot, but even she looked bored. As for Chris Matthews, I wish the republican candidates would follow Zell Miller’s example and just challenge this agitator to a duel and be done with it. Ron Paul seems crazy enough to do it, but he and Matthews did everything but french kiss each other after the debate. Rupaul may put the fun in fundamentalism, but Matthews never figured out a way to put the word moderate in moderator.

Nevertheless, unlike the gutless democrats who are more scared of Fox News than Al Queda, the republicans debated on MSNBC. Besides, it was not like anybody would notice if any of them made a mistake, unless Fox News ran clips.

Debates are made out to be Superbowls, but they are really pre-season games. Therefore, analyzing every play is overkill. Here are some observations.

http://michellemalkin.com/2007/10/09/another-gop-presidential-debate-fred-debuts-wake-me-up-when-its-over/

Sam Brownback, in describing America, said, “This place rocks.” Is he young and hip or what? Or what.

When asked about ethanol subsidies, Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, and Mike Huckabee had a competition to see who could be the most gutless. Being a free market conservative means being principled. Making an exception for ethanol subsidies due to the Iowa caucuses is cowardly. Using national security as an excuse for this cowardice is pusillanimousness at its worst. John McCain vowed to eliminate ethanol subsidies. McCain also refused to say he would force oil companies to take their profits and put it into alternative research. He said he “hoped” they would, but would not mandate it. McCain won easily on this one.

On social security, Thompson would grow the economy and index benefits to inflation.

Tom Tancredo is as Tom Tancredo does. He bashed CAFTA, doing what I call the Fast Track Backtrack.

Even by Chris Matthews low standards, a question about unions was phrased in an idiotic manner. The candidates were asked if unions were good for America, and that they should answer from the perspective of a union worker. Can anyone picture the democratic candidates being asked if corporations were good for America, and to answer from the viewpoint of a wealthy CEO?

Given the chance to blast unions (Yes, the debate was being held in Detroit, but not all of America wants to be like Detroit, a model of a failed city),  gutlessness again reigned supreme.

Rupaul likes unions. Mike Huckabee, who is developing a reputation for honesty and sincerity, pandered the whole night, especially in his praise of unions. Romney would not name one bad union. Rudy Giulani mentioned his mother being in a union. McCain did say that union membership should not be compulsory, but only Thompson talked about taking on unions. Thompson won hands down, with McCain doing ok in the round.

A lightning round of questions led to people wondering if they were watching Wheel of Fortune.

Giuliani would not tax the internet. Huckabee started out right on Schip, and then caved again. Romney. when asked about Arabs (the debate was actually in Dearborn, not Detroit), refused to back down about pursuing the bad guys. He avoided namby pamby political correctness. Thompson fumbled through a question about the dollar, while Giuliani correctly pointed out that the way to reduce the trade deficit is to make it as easy as possible to sell American products overseas. He hammered this point on several occasions, and was effective in doing so. Brownback said that his top economic advisor would be Alan Greenspan or Phil Gramm, both solid choices. McCain was brutally honest when saying he did not know how Ben Bernanke should proceed. He admitted to knowing less about economics than an economics expert. Giuliani, Romney and McCain all did fine in this round.

When asked if they would support the republican nominee regardless of who it was, Rupaul and Tancredo said no. They should have immediately been kicked off the stage and banned from future debates. Duncan Hunter and Sam Brownback said yes.

Maria Bartiromo asked if London was going to replace New York as the global financial hub, which Giuliani and Romney both derided. Giuliani sparred politely with Bartiromo, and he bested her. Thompson said our relationship with Canada was fine, Huckabee wants to reduce pressure at airports to help the problems plaguing airports and airlines, and McCain wants a new agency to catch Bin Laden. Giuliani and Romney fared best in this round.

When asked about what the greatest economic threat was, Romney blew it by stating that it was a lack of optimism. Brownback is as Brownback does, stating that the breakdown of the fmaily was an economic issue. Unlike earlier, he did not do the Brownback Backtrack. Giulinai said it was problems in education. Perhaps he did not mention terrorism because this debate was specifically about economic issues.

Giuliani got in some knocks about Hillarycare, Thompson said the debates were boring until he arrived, and Brownback and Tancredo traded bizarre jokes about Brownback’s mother.

Maybe it was the moderators, but if this debate was any less substantial, it would have been confused for a debate among democrats. Then again, a democratic debate of this kind would have been 20 minutes on black economic issues, 20 minutes on gay economic issues, 20 minutes on Arab economic issues, and 20 minutes of Gravel speaking Gravelly. At least this debate focused on issues affecting on all Americans. It just was not done in a dignified manner.

Giuliani and McCain did spar over the line item veto, but they both had more fire at Hillary, effectively so.

Overall, Romney was less effective than in debates past. Even less effective was Thompson. Thompson’s detractors refer to him as “lazy,” with one columnist calling him “Deputy Dog.” I like him, but he did seem to be coasting through this debate on his likability. Perhaps in a more serious forum he will be more polished. He could have been lowering himself down to the level of the quality of the debate itself. Huckabee has had some solid performances, but this was his worst. He pandered the whole time. He is conservative on social issues, but does not seem economically conservative.

McCain and Giuliani won this debate.

As for the rest…oh who cares…as I said…fatigued.

eric

Terri Hatcher rambled hysterically and incoherently. This is understandable, because she gets paid good money to have her character, Susan Meyer, act like a helpless airhead. The whole point of “Desperate Housewives (yes, there actually is one),” is to show that rich, hot women actually have problems. Of course this is untrue, but it makes the average American feel better about themselves.

Some people have better things to do than watching Eva Longoria and Terri Hatcher traipse around like an older but still hot version of “Girls Gone Wild.” Those people are heterosexual females and homosexual males, and I respect their right to be bored with a television show that is basically a 60 minute “Summer’s Eve” commercial.

Regarding hot women, apparently some jealous people feel that they should be seen, but not ever heard. The Desperate Housewives are all the rage, and apparently that rage is now being directed at them by a Filipino group demanding justice.

Terri Hatcher’s character remarked that we should bomb all Filipinos and send them back to wherever they come from, which according to my extensive research, is the Filipines. Ok, I made the bombing part up. Teri Hatcher’s character, in a state of hysteria, asked her doctor if he got his degree from the Filipines. This was meant to inquire if the doctor had an inferior degree.

http://michellemalkin.com/2007/10/04/update-desperate-housewives-producers-apologize-to-filipinos/

The reason why few people dislike Filipinos is because most of them keep their mouths shut, go to work, and take care of their families. Any culture that does not currently emulate these values should immediately begin doing so. Freedom of speech gives me the right to think that people who open their mouths and spout nonsense are imbeciles. So now some Filipinos are fighting for their right to stop being seen as successful high achievers, and instead be seen as hypersensitive oppressed people that cry over nothing.

One of the leaders of America’s next potential ethnic lynch mob is Kevin Nadal. Mr. Nadal has many job descriptions, and whether or not they are actual real jobs is not for me to judge. He “specializes in multicultural consulting, facilitation training, and diversity awareness issues.” So basically, he finds healthy companies, screws them up, and earns a healthy fee doing so. I hope I do not get in trouble for using a word that contains one syllable that is actually an Asian slur, but “multicultural consulting” sounds like gobbledygook to me. Yes, I said gobbledygook. Maybe I do need this consulting.

For those wondering why I am directing fire at somebody who until yesterday was famous for being anonymous, this fellow went on Bill O’Reilly’s program to declare that people must be more sensitive to other people’s cultures. Ok, fair enough. However, he then said the following to Mr. O’Reilly:

“somebody from the midwest or the south, who doesn’t even know what a Phillipino is, and then they watch this show…”

I then wrote the following to Mr. Nadal:

“Mr. Nadal,

When you expressed your opinions on Bill O’Reilly’s show, you made an overwhelmingly insensitive remark.

You stated, ‘somebody from the midwest or the south, who doesn’t even know what a Filipino is, and then they watch this show…’

Nice job. Southerners are bubbas, and middle America are all a bunch of squares and yokels that think the glamour of Desperate Housewives is real life, and could not possibly be educated enough to know what a Filipino looks or sounds like.

One does not need an advanced degree to know what an arrogant liberal gasbag looks and sounds like.

Given that all middle America is pasty white people, and that they are all the same, I do not expect them to be protesting in the streets at your remark. They are too busy playing croquet and attending macaroni and cheese baking parties, with white Wonder Bread on the side of course.

Comments like yours tell me that ‘multicultural consulting,’ while paying better than unemployment, contributes less to society.

eric aka ‘The Tygrrrr Express’

For those who still do not seem to understand the heart of this matter, let me crystallize it for you in terms that even a bored activist who may or may not be Filipino, a housewife, or both, can understand.

As somebody who loves watching Desperate Housewives (Eva Longoria is the reason I am not a social conservative), the one thing that people who got angry about the “joke” missed was that Teri Hatcher’s character is on many levels an “airhead.” She was not cast in a positive light during that scene. She was rambling hysterically as her doctor tried to calm her down. I equated this to the Seinfeld “Puerto Rican Day Parade” episode that caused flak when a Puerto Rican flag was banned. The character who burned the flag was seen as the idiot, not the Puerto Rican people.

Filipinos should worry about what Non-Filipinos should worry about…that Islamofacists are trying to murder us all…not some tv show.

My dad is a Holocaust survivor, but I am not going to go ape-spit over the “Soup Nazi.”

Lighten up America (when I say lighten up I am not implying that we must all become caucasian). Randy Newman thinks that “short people have no reason to live.” I will not be suing him, although I did sue Santa Claus when I was 8 years old for being an anti-semite. My republican father straightened me out, and I dropped the class action I was organizing with my Jewish friends.

Another thing that has to be looked at is intent. Did Desperate Housewives have a political agenda against the people of the Filipines? No. Does it have any political agenda? No.

Desperate Housewives is about hot women frolicking around in their undies. Whether or not that is good or bad for society (me likey), the show itself is hardly a pillar of ideological controversy.

However, one character who is “uptight” and “proper” is a republican, and in one scene when told she was being uptight about something sexual, the other character said, “You are such a republican.” It was meant as a good natured tease.

The show is harmless, except for the anti-undie frolicking crowd.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/05/eva-longoria-and-other-reasons-i-am-not-a-social-conservative/

The bottom line is that if I were to advocate burning French or Belgian people in effigy, I would rightly be described as a hate monger. However, civil rights lawyers do not need to be called if I merely burn or even advocating burning French toast or Belgian waffles. Hey, I like my food extra well done.

This desperate tempest in a housewife’s teapot is the equivalent of a waffle, and waffles are only bad when they are affiliated with politicians, be they Belgian or otherwise.

As for those who are desperately seeking Susan, she is a fictional character. If Desperate Housewives is truly what riles people up, then the problem is not the women of Wisteria Lane. It is that in addition to every other aggrieved group on the planet, society now needs to be concerned with desperate…and incredibly bored…Filipino Housewives.

eric