Archive for June, 2008

Big Oil? Big Flipping deal

Monday, June 30th, 2008

Oil. O-I-L. Awl. Black Gold. Texas Tea.

The following scene took place in the 1990s.

J.R. Ewing: “With Bobby back in the oil business, and your mom back at the ranch, you get to learn about the business from the greatest oilman in Texas.”

John Ross: “Gee dad, the way you talk it almost sounds like you planned it.”

J.R.: “You see John Ross. You’re learning already.”

Dun, dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun…dun dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun…

Man I miss “Dallas.” From the opening credits with the gusher to the view of Texas Stadium and the Cowboys, Friday nights were about Larry Hagman wheeling, dealing and stealing in the world of oil.

“Let’s not waste any time. I’ve got a town to take back.”

Yet while art can imitate life, there is nothing glamorous for many people about the sky high price of oil, or as we in the business call it, the barrel of light, sweet crude.

First of awl, I mean all, I work with oil brokers. Yes, life is pretty d@ng sweet right now indeed.

Nevertheless, many are crying over the high prices of oil. While suffering is legitimate, profits are not equal to greed. High prices do not mean collusion, price gouging, or any illegality of any kind.

For those who think I am a shill for Shell, an excuse maker for Exxon, or a cheerful chirper for Chevron, hear me clearly. I am absolutely a rah rah cheerleader for letting legal business make as much money as possible legally.

There are several ways to bring down the price of oil, as if that must happen for all to be right with the world. The first way is to heed the wisdom of Sir Charles of Krauthammer.

“In its search for scapegoats, Congress seems unable to understand what the futures markets are for. It’s a place where risk is traded. If you are an airline or trucker and you want to know what the price of oil will be in a year or two because it fluctuates, you buy a contract so that you don’t have a risk. There’s somebody at the other end with a lot of money who can gamble who purchases that risk, so one side is acquiring certainty and the other is acquiring a risk and making a profit, but with a risk that he can actually lose if the price will decline.

The minute you intervene in the markets as the democrats and a few republicans as well want to do in the Congress you are going to create situations in which people will not be able to unload risk who need it and want, to which is insane…that’s why you have these markets and liquidity will dry up.

I think Congress are being unreasonable pikers here. If you want to bring down the price of oil, you do what you suggested at the top of the show. You abolish the law of supply and demand. Just repeal it. I mean who passed that law anyway?

I am sure democrats would insist on those making $20,000 per year. The House will pass a law repealing the law of supply. The Senate will give us a law repealing the law of demand, and they’ll get it done together in conference with a majority. I am sure that the President will not override…no, he will stand.”

Capitalist Pig Jonathan Hoenig offered his own tactless solution, another reason to like this guy.

“If you want to bring down the price of oil, just blow up Iran.”

For those who find this approach barbaric, sit down and sing Kumbaya while I explain the logic.

Iran is a terrorist nation run by terrorists. They are the ones who took American citizens as hostages for 444 days. President Armageddonijad was one of the hostage takers. These people refer to America as the Great Satan, and refer to us as imperialists.

They have no idea what imperialism is. We should show them imperialism. We should blow up the palaces where the Mullahs live, and simply seize the oil. That’s right. We should just take it.

Some will say that we cannot take it because it does not belong to us. So the heck what? They did not have to kidnap our soldiers. They have been at war with us for 30 years, and to the victors go the spoils.

Oil companies are not the enemy. The enemy is OPEC, and the various Arab Governments that allow these less than human beings blackmail the world. American oil companies are on our side.

Yes, we need to develop other energy sources. Yes, we should drill everywhere and anywhere, every second of the day. We should drill on the foreheads of teenagers and suck oil off of their faces if that works. We can drill holes in the heads of liberal members of Congress. We might find waste in there, which can be used to make fuel.

What we cannot and should not do is blame speculators for playing by the same rules as everybody else. Speculation did not begin in the 21st century. Supply and demand has been around forever. Speculation is as old as the hills.

Yes, greedy speculators are now the replacement for greedy bankers, greedy mortgage lenders, and every other person that has the nerve to get rich by being more enterprising than the person complaining from the sidelines.

For those who have a problem with speculators, I have several questions.

Do you own at least one share of stock? If so, liquidate it. You are a speculator, and have no right to own it.

Do you have an IRA or a 401k? Sell it. You are greedy.

Have you ever gone to Las Vegas, Atlantic City, or Gulfport, and played any casino games? If so, you must cease immediately.

Have you ever gone to OTB, Aqueduct, or Belmont or Roosevelt Raceway? You must stop attending these places immediately.

Have you ever bet on a sporting event, such as football? If so, you are a greedy speculator trying to earn profits.

The above scenarios are all examples of taking risks. Taking risks is what this nation was founded upon.

Have you ever tried to start a small business? You are taking a risk.

The greater the risk, the greater the reward. Nobody is forced to take risks.

Ok. Fine, some people say. People have a right to make profits. They should just not make obscene profits. They should not make excessive profits. They should not make unreasonable profits.

Who the bloody hades has the right to decide that somebody else’s profits are too high?

Also, why is it that those who try to make this determination are often people who produce nothing, such as liberal members of Congress?

I think that Congressional salaries are unreasonably high. They should have to give back a certain amount over and above a certain level because I say so. I have never been a public servant, but I am arbitrarily deciding that I know better about a sector I have never partaken in.

That is what public servants do when they bully and harass the private sector for being successful. Make no mistake about it. For every noble person that truly loves public service, many members of Congress are public servants because they would not last five minutes in the private sector, also known as the real world.

Elections are popularity contests. Running a business demands actual results.

Now, as for these “speculators,” they have always existed.

Speculators bet for and against markets. They bet on prices moving upwards and downwards. They do not trends. They follow them. In the mid 1990s, speculators bet up the price of internet stocks. In the beginning of the 21st century, speculators switched sides, and the prices came crashing down. In both cases, and in all cases, speculators are reactive, not proactive. They see an investment in their favor, and they capitalize. They see an investment moving against them, and they bail to avoid further pain. This is rational behavior.

Yet since oil is a commodity that people use, and not a piece of paper, as is a stock, the rules should be different. No. The rules should not be different.

What about the emotional argument that it is costing more and more to fill up the gas tank?

So the heck what!

There are buses, trains, bicycles, and other options. More people are working from home. Teleconferencing is replacing face to face meetings. While I refuse to do so, other people are buying hybrid cars. I would consider buying one if the auto makers create one that is not ghastly looking. For those that do not care that the Prius is hideously ugly, they have that option.

I chose to work a few minutes from my home because I drive an old car. My previous job had an hour commute, and now I put almost no miles on my car. It will last longer.

If speculators were betting against oil, that the price would go down, would that be any different?

For those worried about the price of oil, a deeper question remains.

Why did you not join the speculators? Why did you not take a risk? Why did you not invest in oil?

The reason does not matter. People took high risks, and earned high rewards. Yes, I used the word earned.

Others chose to play it safe. This is necessary for some. People with a family to feed often have less ability to take risks. They put money in the bank, yet get hurt by inflation.

Therefore, not taking risks can be even riskier at times.

The bottom line is that there are not enough speculators in the world to override the will of the free market and the law of supply and demand. Oil at some point will have a violent pullback. I have no idea when. What I do know is that some people will decide to lock in profits. Others will get in, see it come down, and decide that they got in at the top. They will decide to cut losses. Either way, the reversal will be ruthless, as all reversals are.

Many people will see the price crashing, and they will have to determine if it is a pullback in a bull market, or if the market has entered bear territory. If the market develops a bearish trend, these same greedy speculators will bet on the price to go down. This may drive the price down further.

This would lead to cheaper gasoline prices. Will we then throw the speculators a ticker tape parade? Will we then forget about alternative sources of energy? Will our government give back the profits they seized from the oil companies?

Of course not.

Liberals will spend the next few years doing what they have done the last few years. They will refuse to drill. They will fight nuclear power. They will fight building more refineries. They will blame greedy speculators.

Maybe if they cared less about trees and animals and more about human beings, the price of oil would come down.

Yet bringing the price down is debated only in terms of how. It should be debated in terms of why.

Why not have oil prices right now? The market wants that. When the market wanbts them lower, they will be.

Big Oil? Big flipping deal.

I support big freedom. I do not want freedom lite. I want freedom in the form of a Texas sized gallon hat.

To quote the character that Larry Hagman mastered, complete with the grit eating grin, I say this.

Get in the oil business. If you do, you’re learning already.


A day at the Ronald Reagan Library

Sunday, June 29th, 2008

Thank you again Mr. Reagan

This afternoon the Tygrrrr Express is Simi Valley bound for an afternoon of fun at the Ronald Reagan Library.

This is my third or fourth consecutive year of attending the Reagan Library. The Republican Jewish Coalition has their annual event there every July. A tour of the library is followed by a reception, dinner, and celebrating. Several notables will be speaking.

This year the event is special because the event is being held in the Air Force One Pavilion.

Below are some the Gipper’s best lines.

“Here is how the Cold War ends. We win. They lose.”

“Tonight is a very special night for me. Then again, at my age, every night is a special night.”

“I have told my cabinet that if there is an emergency, contact me immediately. Wake me up, even if I am sleeping in the middle of a cabinet meeting.”

“I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. Governor Clinton, you’re no Thomas Jefferson.”

“I start my day precisely at 8am. It was brought to my attention that I have a daily 7am briefing with my National Security Advisor. I let it be known that he will be waiting about an hour.”

“Mr. Gorbachev…Tear down this wall.”

Ronald Reagan’s best line could never have been scripted in a million years. At his toughest moment, his calmness reassured a nation. After getting shot, just as the doctors were about to perform life saving surgery on him, President Reagan uttered that one sentence.

“I hope you’re all republicans.”

The head doctor said, “Mr. President, right now we are all republicans.”

With the exception of my own grandparents, there is nobody that has commanded more reverence from me than Ronald Wilson Reagan. I have said more than once that Ronald Reagan should be placed on Mount Rushmore, minted into coins, and placed on page one of every economics book. Schoolchildren should send him thank you notes for preventing a nuclear war.

Ronald Reagan was a giant, and being at his library is inspiring. I can feel his presence, and hope that he and God are sharing jellybeans and anecdotes.

Below is my letter to him, originally posted on the third anniversary of his death. He lived until age 93, yet with all great ones, he left us too soon.

Thank you again Mr. Reagan

Dear President Reagan,

I wish you were still alive to see the world today that you left behind. It is not flawless, but it is better than you could have possibly imagined.

20 years ago you challenged Mr. Gorbachev to “Tear Down This Wall.” As you know, it came crashing down. Millions of Eastern Europeans are now free. You understood that Freedom is not an American value. It is not uniquely Western. It is a gift from God, and everyone worldwide is entitled to it.

Today there are a billion Muslims, mostly Arabs, living under captivity. Some people believe that these people hate America, and everything we stand for. No, they don’t. They want to be free. They want to come here, and live the American Dream. They want to be able to make their government stronger without the fear of being shot on sight. Most of all, they want a sense of hope and optimism. This seems to be in shorter supply since you exited the world stage.

Mr. Reagan, if only you could see the internet generation. The Russians were once seen as our enemies. People ducked under their desks in fear of nuclear war. Now Americans and Russians chat with each other on instant messenger. We send happy faces and jokes.

While young children worldwide play with each other online, adults are engaging in global commerce like never before. Ebay and other websites allow people to conduct business globally with the touch of a button. Best of all, despite the efforts of some know nothing politicians, internet commerce is currently not taxed.

The economy is strong. No, we have not defeated the business cycle, but President Bush brought back Reaganomics. You faced a recession and a bear market in stocks, but your supply side tax cuts helped fuel an economic expansion and a bull market that defied expectations. President Bush also started out with a recession and a vicious bear market, but thanks to aggressive tax cuts, the stock market is higher than ever, and the economy is clicking on all cylinders.

Things are not perfect Mr. Reagan. Although we made peace with the Russians, Islamofacism is spiraling out of control. However, there is hope on the horizon. You bombed Libya in 1986 when Khadafi Duck was going crazy. This briefly kept him in check. Would you believe that our current President has brought democracy to Afghanistan, and toppled Saddam Hussein in Iraq? On top of that, Khadafi Duck decided to move Libya towards normalcy. He did not decide to act normal due to 20 years of negotiations. He saw the handwriting on the wall, and realized that he enjoyed being alive.

Mr. Reagan, our current President George W. Bush is under siege. He is a good man, but he is not a good communicator. He is plainspoken, but not articulate. He has an opposition that hates him in ways that make your Presidency seem a love fest. Yet he remains undaunted, not because of so called stubbornness, but because he understands that visions do not get implemented overnight.

In 1987, there was talk of “Reagan fatigue.” People said you were losing your luster. The 1988 republican candidates were said to be part of a losing ticket. You were mired in a scandal about nothing, and some said your Presidency was exhausted. One year later, your Vice President won a decisive victory. Gracious to the end, you refused to criticize those who came after you, preferring to let them write their own histories. If only one of the men you defeated had your class and graciousness.

It’s amazing what 20 years can do. You are ranked among the all time greats, and every republican nominee wants to carry your mantle. I hope they understand this as some of them run in terror from President George W. Bush. It amazes me how they can claim your mantle, yet run from the man who has embraced it not just in words, but in deeds.

America is still that shining city on a hill. My grandparents came here with nothing, escaping the Nazis. They saved up enough to survive. Their children made it to the American middle class, and owned a home in a nice suburban neighborhood. I managed to get an MBA, and have advanced even further. The American Dream is not a cliche for the privileged few. It is the norm.

The two things that do seem to be missing today are civility…and humor. Not humor at the expense of other people, but self deprecating humor, a willingness to realize that while we are creatures of God, we are quite flawed. Your many quips are legendary, but the one that stays in my mind is how you reacted after you were shot. Looking up at the doctors, you said “I hope you’re all republicans.” Many people who wanted to dislike you simply were unable to do so.

The media were polite with you, but were not your friends. You simply talked over and around them to those who mattered…the American people. You treated people with dignity, and were as beloved by Wall Street bankers as Iowa corn farmers. Would you believe that another movie star actor is now the governor of California? In addition, yet another movie and television star became a senator from Tennessee, and is a legitimate Presidential contender. The reason people like him is because he is simply…well…likable.

As I said Mr. Reagan, there are plenty of problems in this world. Yet the one thing you brought to the table was optimism. This was not pie in the sky Pollyanna thinking. It was a true and unwavering belief in the human spirit, and the beauty of America. Would you believe that France, Germany and Canada all elected leaders that like America? Pro-American sentiment is spreading, despite attempts to prove otherwise.

People in Iraq voted in three separate democratic elections. It has been a bumpy ride, but isn’t all democracy fragile in the beginning? People are less patient than they used to be.

You were there to guide the nation when the Space Shuttle Challenger took seven lives from us. Your words that day healed the nation. I do not care who wrote them. Only you could have said them. Our current President had to deal with a space tragedy where more astronauts died. It never gets easier. Yet after taking time to heal, space exploration has soldiered on.

Speaking of soldiers, our military might is strong. Sometimes we fight, and sometimes we negotiate. Sometimes we have political opponents who want to fight battles that can be solved with conversations, and talk to people that need to be removed by force. You understood right from wrong, standing squarely with a small democracy called Israel against dictatorships that wanted to destroy it. That conflict still exists, but like you, our current President has allowed Israel to fiercely defend itself, consistent with his support for the nobility of democracy.

I remember being a teenager when you and Mr. Gorbachev shook hands. It was one of the greatest days in world history. Mr. Bush and Mr. Putin sometimes have an uneasy relationship that is complex, but they are certainly not at war. They often hold joint press conferences, and air their differences in a healthy manner.

Mr. Reagan, I hope you are resting comfortably in heaven. Just know that your vision of the world, slowly but surely, is being implemented, and the world is consistently better off for it. Anyone who thinks that they are destined to a life of misery and hopelessness should talk to people who lived through the iron curtain in Eastern Europe.

One other front we are grappling with is that of world pestilences and diseases. Africa is suffering from Aids, as is the rest of the world. However, by freeing pharmaceutical companies from endless regulations, they have created drugs that have plunged their profits into research and development, saving many lives and curing many diseases. Perhaps if they had a little more time, they could have cured Alzheimers disease and saved you the ignominy of your final years. Then again, perhaps your work was done, and you exited the world stage, having completed everything you needed to do. Nevertheless, a lot of people still miss you sir.

Yes Mr. Reagan, the Berlin Wall came crashing down. It tumbled, and crumbled. Yet if only you could see that what you started was only the beginning.

Godspeed Mr. Reagan. For free people everywhere, I thank you very much.


First Initials

Saturday, June 28th, 2008

On a weekend where ideas are as remote as…well, whatever else I think about…I have realized what truly allows people to succeed in life. It is not hard work, or perseverance. It is having a first initial. Like the monocle that makes the Monopoly Man, a first initial conveys importance.

I was going to cite 26 examples, and discovered that a couple of the gentlemen below was working on the exact same project at the exact same time. I hate it when others take the screws loose in my head and find a perfect match in their own craniums.

Like the other fellows, I simply could not think of all of them on my own. Also, I did not want to confine the list to individuals. Entities can be created out of first initials. With that, below is my list.

A Martinez–He played Cruz on Santa Barbara. Guys who watch soap operas should be ashamed of themselves. Dallas and Desperate Housewives are exempt because they are not soap operas. They are prime time dramas.

B Dalton–Every successful bookstore involves Bs, but this chain is the only letter B. All hail the B, the first letter in books!

C. Everett Koop–I still do not know what the Surgeon General actually does, and his beard frightens me. Nevertheless, people have heard of him.

D Nice–He was a rapper. I care not to know any more for fear of admitting that I used to know this stuff. Yeah, I was hard core at one point.

E Trade–This is now an E world. We have e-commerce, e-conferences, evites, e-signatures, and of course, my occasional nickname of E-Dawg.

F. Scott Fitzgerald–He wrote stuff.

(Honorable mention: F. Lee Bailey)

G. Gordon Liddy–Forget his time in jail. He invented the phrase “suicide bomber republicans” to describe those on the right that do not fall in line.

H. Ross Perot–He inspired a Sesame Street character known as H. Ross Parrot. His ears were as impressive as his charts and graphs.

I. Lewis Libby–If your nickname was Scooter, you would go with the first initial as well. Scooter was also the little known nickname of B.A. Baracus on the A-Team, as played by Mr. T. I pity the fool that does not see the importance in all those initials.

J. Danforth Quayle–Gunga Dan Rather, in one of his many disgraces, could not simply call the former Vice President “Dan.” Unlike J. Edgar Hoover, Dan Quayle did not wear women’s underclothing.

K Mart–Does the K stand for king? I am not sure if they are a greater mart than Walmart, but I do not want to start a mart war.

L. Brent Bozell–He runs the Media Research Center, which specialized in showing that the media are a bunch of lying liberals that hate Middle America.

(Honorable mention: L. Ron Hubbard)

M. Jodi Rell–She is the Governor of Connecticut.

N. Gregory Mankiw–Click on the link, I stole this one.

O. Bruton Smith–This was thievery as well.

(Honorable mention: Oprah Winfrey for “O” Magazine)

P. Diddy–He is sometimes Puff Daddy. I do not know exactly what he does, but neither does he. He did have sex with J-Lo, who used to be Jennifer Lopez before going thuggish and getting an initial. He also played with guns. He does other stuff, which seems to be entertainment related, including throwing parties.

Q–James Bond may have gotten the ladies, but Q had better gadgets than inspector Gadget himself.

R Kelly–Men everywhere without daughters now realize that they can do anything at any time and get away with it. To appreciate R Kelly, watch Dave Chapelle. When not using women as toilets, he sings music.

S. Epatha Merkerson–She plays the Police Chief on Law and Order. Don’t mess with the Lieu.

T. Boone Pickens–He is an oil man that failed his way to the top. He prides in telling people that he succeeded by failing. He would try to engineer a hostile takeover of an oil company, which would jack up the stock price. Then he would sell his shares at a profit, claiming that he simply could not succeed in taking over the company. Then the stock would drop back down. Many people suspected that he never intended to buy the company, but he would explain that he tried his best, failed, and was disappointed.

U. Myint Thien–Ummmm…yeah…right…see the link.

V. Frank Pottow–V is for victory, and for a sexual innuendo. Also, it is for this fellow, who is described in the link.

W–President Bush is immortalized in one noble letter of the alphabet. Why have a u when you can have twice as many in the form of a double-u? Also known as “Dubya,” or “The Dub,” he is simply a rump kicking President that took out Saddam. He is also responsible for the internet, since every website begins with a w. Actually it begins with three, maximizing his impact.

(Honorable mention: W. Axl Rose)

X. Drew Liu–After President Bush, X does not mark the spot. It is all downhill from here, although for readers of my column, that starts from the first word. Check the link.

Y. William Yu–Y M C A? Y write this column? Too late, it is written. Check the link.

Z. Anthony Kruszewski–Z is the only letter in the word zzzzz, which is what I should be doing right now.

The Tygrrrr is off to slumber, content in knowing that the secret to success in life has now been explained.

All hail those that could not afford first names, settling for initials instead.


The Second Amendment will not ever be shot down

Friday, June 27th, 2008

Few things bore me as much as golf, guns, and fishing. To sit all day and whack a ball, shoot a target, or try to catch a cod that is actually a sneaker with a funny shaped stick is colossally dull to me.

Nevertheless, I absolutely defend the right of individuals to own guns, fishing rods, and even golf clubs. I do not let my personal animus interfere with the liberty of others. It is about freedom.

The Bill of Rights were all individual rights. Those on the left that wish to use contortions to try and apply a collective right to one part of a document while acknowledging the individual right behind the other nine amendments need to stop the intellectual dishonesty. They don’t like guns. Well I detest fishing and golf. Too bad. The issue is one of legality, not social popularity. This is why Paris Hilton exists. The law says she has the right to exist, and normal people do not have the right to prevent this.

The Supreme Court is referred to as the “Conservative Supreme Court” when sensible decisions come down. They only seem to be referred to as the Supreme Court when the decision is boneheaded.

This is why, as Michelle Malkin states, liberal 5-4 rulings are “Landmark,” while, conservative 5-4 rulings are “divisive,” and “controversial.”

Make no mistake about it. Conservatives and liberals understand that the 2008 election will be critical regarding the Supreme Court.

There are four conservatives, four liberals, and one sometimes conservative that sometimes swings towards lunacy.

It was four liberals and one swing that gave us Kelo vs New London, where eminent domain became a curseword.

It was four liberals and one swing that decided recently that child rapists should be considered more important than their victims. By that one swing vote, child rapists no longer get the death penalty.

(Memo to John McCain. Force Barack Obama to uphold this decision with all the compassion of Michael Dukakis. Mention it during every debate. The media won’t. You must.)

Some of the most important decisions did swing towards decency.

The swing vote prevented Al Gore from trying to steal an election from George W. Bush. That allowed President Bush to appoint two more legal giants to the court, while making it more conservative.

For those on the right who are not thrilled with the President, send him a thank you note for Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Sam Alito. They were hired to interpret the Constitution, not rewrite it according to their own evolving whims.

It is this strict constructionism that allowed the Second Amendment to survive liberal judicial activism.

Gun control advocates have no leg to stand on anymore. The Supreme Court has spoken. Those same people that were cheering for the rights of child rapists to live another day (Life without parole? So what? People escape from jails. There is no recidivism for those that have been administered the death penalty.) will now curse this same court for actually upholding the liberties of law abiding citizens. What a novel concept.

John Roberts is more than one of the finest legal minds on Earth. He is also a minimalist. He wants narrow rulings with consensus. He prefers 9-0 decisions to 5-4 splits. Yet to liberals, consensus means telling conservatives to shut up and agree with liberals. That is their version of compromise. Justice Roberts can want consensus, but when four justices routinely decide to use the Constitution as toilet paper, there is little he can do.

Narrow rulings prevent chaos in the future. One reason Roe vs Wade is so controversial is because it was a broad ruling. Even many people who are pro choice see it as liberal judicial activism. This is why the abortion issue remains unsettled.

Justice Roberts could have tried to engineer a broad ruling. His court could have declared all gun control laws unconstitutional. While that would have been a delightful ruling, it would have been an activist ruling. Justice Roberts focused on the narrow issue before his court. Was the outright ban on handguns in Washington, DC, simply going too far? Yes, it was.

What should be shocking is that four liberal justices were comfortable with an outright ban on guns. The National Rifle Association is constantly claiming that liberals who favor “reasonable” and “sensible” gun control measures are really trying to ban guns outright. Liberals then claim that this is fear mongering.

We now have the evidence. This case was not about gun control. It was about gun abolition. Four justices felt comfortable with an outright ban.

While the NRA has every right to be pleased tonight, there is a deeper issue. All gun control is unconstitutional. Does either side want to bring that to the court?

The liberals will not bring it in front of this court. The conservatives are not ready to rely on Justice Kennedy. The Supreme Court itself is not known for bravery. The conservatives prefer to be evolutionary, not revolutionary. True, the liberals want to change the world, but they prefer to do it under the radar. The Supreme Court is too public a forum. It is more dangerous than slipping one sentence into a 1000 page omnibus bill.

Those against gun control simply feel that the law supports them. Those favoring gun control simply do not like guns, and in many cases, wish they were banned outright. Anybody who thinks that the four liberals on the court are moderates need to be reminded over and over again that this case was not about gun control. It was about a complete and utter abolition of guns.

More people died in Washington, DC, last year, than 30 years ago when the ban was enacted. Liberals do not care. They hate guns.

States with looser gun laws have lower crime rates. Liberals do not care. They hate guns.

Some people have been victims of tragedies, and become gun control activists. Sarah Brady, Carolyn McCarthy, and Dianne Feinstein all owe their political careers to gun crimes. They would rather not have these careers. The suffering they went through was enormous. That does not change the fact that these three people simply, for understandable reasons, hate guns.

Maybe if the liberals on the court spent more time allowing the death penalty for more violent criminals, who by definition do not obey laws, there would be less of these animals eventually obtaining guns.

The left will argue that no rational person needs a gun that can fire 30 or 40 rounds at a rapid clip. This is disingenuous. The Founding Fathers made crystal clear what they wanted. Just because many in America choose to either fail to understand or deliberately misconstrue those words does not mean those people are right.

People who claim that they want guns regulated have voted to confirm justices that want to ban all guns.

The Second Amendment will not ever be shot down. In the words of the late Charlton Heston, let them try and “pry my gun from my cold dead hands.”

This is not about guns. This is about liberty and freedom. Those who cherish the First Amendment had better understand that once the Second Amendment goes, the rest of them rapidly disappear, with nobody left to speak up.

Child Rapists get to live, and homeowners have their property confiscated. This is the world that liberal justices want to inflict upon America. Thankfully today, they did not have the votes. May they never have the votes again.


I am acting white today

Thursday, June 26th, 2008

I have decided to start acting like a white person today.

This may seem startling for those who have always seen me as white, but I have decided to be even more white.

I have often said that it is wrong to judge a man’s race by the color of his skin. How dare we let melanin content and pigmentation determine our race. I would be outraged about this, but according to my “how to be a white guy” handbook, white people have no reason to be outraged. Nothing bad ever happens to us.

I would elaborate about Ralph Nader, but he makes Al Gore seem relevant by comparison.

I could speak about Charlie Black, but what I want to know is why most men named black are white and vice versa? This is false advertising indeed.

Don Imus has decided to act like Don Imus. Water remains wet.

Barack Obama has spoken about typical white people, but given that he is biracial, he is only half as qualified as others to discuss this.

Therefore, I have gone straight to the source of true whiteness. That’s right. I have rented “The History of White People in America,” starring Fred Willard and Martin Mull.

I am not sure I am cut out to be caucasian, much less white.

First of all, I detest golf. In the past I mentioned turning Iran and Syria into 50,000 hole golf courses. What I truly meant was relocating all golf courses to Iran and Syria. Instead of executing or waterboarding the Mullahs, we could just force them to wear those checkered pants.

Also, given that intolerance is wrong, I am glad that I am not lactose intolerant. After all, white people supposedly eat a good amount of cheese. I don’t mind it on a burger, or as a snack, but as three meals a day, that seems much for any non-mouse.

I have decided to go to work in the financial services sector today, because apparently white people have white collar jobs. Some may say I am doing this because that is my job, and not showing up is grounds for being fired, but today I am going to work in the name of white people acting white everywhere.

I shall no longer listen to rap music or find Snoop Doggy Dogg funny. From now on, classical music will be my music of choice.

I shall adopt heartland values, as soon as I find out exactly where this heartland is. I suspect it is in Middle America, but can all of these states be at the exact median location?

Also, since I am stereotypical today, I shall be male. White females are still minorities, and therefore atypical. To truly fit in, I have to be a white male.

I shall wear a white shirt today with a diagonal red and blue tie. While I do hate missing out on Pink Shirt Thursday, I must live up to my image.

I am not a smoker, but I suppose I can find a pipe and a tweed smoking jacket, or perhaps a jacket with elbow patches. I wonder if a bubble pipe qualifies.

Perhaps my cheese sandwich can have the crusts cut off.

I have heard that white people have 3 martini lunches. I do not drink alcohol, but perhaps I can just get a glass, pour some soda in it, and stir it for an hour.

In the 1980s white people watched the Cosby Show and Family Ties. In the 1990s it was Friends and Seinfeld. I wonder if white people still watch television.

I guess I should read the business section today. I shall see a complete white stranger on the street and ask him, “How about that market?” I heard the price of tomatoes is too high.

I need to buy a sweater. I do live in Los Angeles, but I have heard that golfers wear sweaters.

Until Imus, Nader, Black, and Obama opened their mouths, I did not know that so much effort went into my being white. I just figured that rolling out of bed and looking in the mirror would be enough to confirm my race. Apparently acting white is an attitude, and being white is a state of mind.

This is so confusing. I used to think that Clarence Thomas was black and Bill Clinton was white, with David Duke and Jesse Jackson being disgusting in any color. Apparently it is not that simple.

I do not have any cousins named Biff or Muffy. I hope this is not a problem.

I do not own a yacht. I will have to buy one. After all, if I am truly white, I am sure I can afford one, regardless of what my bank statement says.

I might have to remove all of my bling. Apparently white people do not wear bling. I guess I can give the necklace from my late grandmother back to my mother.

I shall not allow my personality to have any color. After all, white is colorless by definition. Some say black is colorless, but when I take all my crayons and write over them with other crayons, the picture gets darker, not lighter.

I hope nobody accuses me of dressing in whiteface today. I look the same as yesterday, only with more determination.

I read somewhere that white people are tall, thin, and perfectly coiffed. Wow, I already look like John Edwards and Mitt Romney, minus all the millions that I apparently misplaced in my other trust fund.

Perhaps I can buy a monocle. Maybe I need a first initial. Better yet, perhaps some Roman Numerals after my name. I do not have the same name as my father or his father, but I am sure we can correct the records.

White people are movers and shakers. I need to get an earpiece so I can talk to nobody out loud and look like I am really conducting business. This way, I will not get carted away.

I could start power walking, but I was under the understanding that being white itself implies having power. Plus, I walk every day from my car to the elevator to get to my office. White people walk a certain way. I am not sure if “The Rock” is white, but he put out a movie called “Walking Tall.” I can learn from him.

I can feel myself being confused with Chief Justice John Roberts already. I have my white guy smile perfected.

Perhaps I can go to the opera or the ballet tonight, even though in my previous life I would want those people to be hunted like golfers.

The only thing I cannot figure out is if I am acting like a white person who actually is acting white, or a white person that wants to be black or Latino. I used to wear my baseball cap on backwards, and I do like tacos. Normally I would not think that means anything, but if I am truly acting white today, I have to be completely unaware of how anybody who is not white lives. I wonder if actor Jamie Kennedy can help me with this.

If only Nader, Black, Imus, and Obama would have kept their mouths shut. Then I could have simply been a regular guy, whatever that means.

No, they had to intervene. Now I am not even eggshell or creme. I am lily white.

I do hope that this racial enhancement comes with free stock options. Otherwise, it will be a stereotype, rather than a stereotype of a stereotype living inside a stereotype.

I just hope I don’t get asked to join the television show “Law and Order.” Those shows have powerful white guys, but they are bald powerful white guys. In fact, the severity of the crime is determined by the number of powerful bald white guys.

A low level crime has Captain Don Cragen yelling, “1 PP (Police Plaza) is all over my @ss!”

More serious crimes require the second powerful bald white guy to show up wearing all of his military medals. He barks out, “The Mayor is all over my @ss.”

If things get ultra serious, at least until recently, the ultimate powerful bald white guy, Fred Thompson, shows up. He says, “I’ve got the Governor asking questions and I have an election to face. Handle this.” Ok, so nobody is all over his @ss, but they are still asking questions.

Also, the Governor in the show is a powerful bald white guy.

Given the choice, I would absolutely prefer to be black as opposed to bald.

That is for another day. Today I am white, successful, and handsome.

Now if only my bank account would respect my right to be a cliche of perfection.

I may not be black, but I would not mind being in the black.

Now if only Buff and Miffy would get back to me with the name of that cafe that sells delightful cheese sandwiches, cut diagonal style, with a toothpick holding an American Flag in the center of each triangle.


Why Senator Reid is Wrong

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

I had the pleasure recently of interviewing Nevada Senator and Majority Leader Harry Reid.

I use the word pleasure because his staff was very easy to work with, and the Senator himself was nice to me when I met him.

While I have said more than once that I would break bread with him, that does not change the fact that on the fundamental issue of the day, Senator Reid is wrong. He does represent the democratic party very well. He is an effective Majority Leader. However, his entire party is defective, and he himself is running the risk of being on the wrong side of history.

When I asked Senator Reid about Senator John McCain, I received the following response.

“I respect his service to our country. However, he is just wrong on the war and wrong on the economy.”

Harry Reid will go down in history as being fundamentally wrong on one of the major historical world events.

The Iraq War was the right thing to do. It was legally and morally right then, and it is still right.

Senator Reid said that the war is lost.

No Senator. No sir. No. It is not lost. The surge is working. For those who want evidence that the surge is working, read the Jayson Blair Times. They have nothing to say. If the war was lost, the Jayson Blair Times would have front page columns from now until November.

A truly great source would be General David Petraeus.

If I want an expert on how to pass some arcane bill out of some subcommittee until it becomes a law, particularly in Nevada, I will consult Senator Reid. If I want to know how a war is being conducted, especially a counterinsurgency, I will consult the man who wrote the book on counterinsurgency.

Harry Reid calls this the greatest foreign policy blunder ever.

How can anyone committed to human rights, which Senator Reid has spoken about, object to Iraq and Afghanistan becoming democracies? Purple stained fingers matter. Women have gone from being beaten for being in public to voting and holding government positions.

No war is run perfectly. There has never been a war without casualties. World War II cost America thousands of lives, and I have yet to meet somebody that regretted winning that war.

We have not only toppled Saddam, but we have managed to get Khadafi in Libya to join the family of nations.

Senator Reid mentioned in his interview various achievements on everything from lobbying reform to ethics overhaul to stem cell research legislation, but in the long run this will not matter when it comes to his legacy.

The War on Terror trumps everything else. Iraq is the central front in that war. The world is better off without Saddam Hussein.

The world is better off because of President George W. Bush. The notion that we are hated around the world seems to be lost on the people of who are supposed to hate us.

From Nicolas Sarkozy in France to Angela Merkel in Germany to Silvio Berlusconi in Italy to Steven Harper in Canada, the world is electing governments that are tired of letting Islamofacism eat away at their societies like a cancer. The conservatives are winning in England, and the new left of center government in Australia is as Pro-American as the previous conservative government of John Howard.

Senator Reid has been accused of wanting America to fail in Iraq. That is a very serious charge. The theory is that anything that shows that President Bush was and is right must be defeated.

Senator Reid does admit to having an animus towards the President that goes beyond politics. He does not like the President. Is he so blind in his view of the President that he would let it cloud his judgment of an entire war? The charge is there, and that is between Senator Reid and the God he believes in.

The reason why I believe in President Bush and General David Petraeus is not because they tell me so. I listen to the soldiers. i receive emails on a weekly basis from soldiers that are in Iraq and Afghanistan. They speak of incredible progress.

If thousands of letters from soldiers were delivered to the Majority Leader’s office, would he ignore them?

Senators need to listen to their constituents. Senator Reid has been reelected in Nevada, so over 50% of his constituents are behind him. However, this war is serious. It trumps the politics of a single state. Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle was fired by the voters of South Dakota. He had high popularity at one point, but he simply chose to try and fight against a war that much of America supported.

Yes, support for the war is below what it was, but that happens in all wars. What Senator Reid refuses to acknowledge is that frustration with the war does not mean we want to pull all the troops out right now. Americans want to win. They want evidence of progress. They want results.

General Petraeus is delivering those results. Americans are seeing glimmers of hope. Yes, Americans are war weary. Americans do not want war. We hate war.

Yet we hate losing a war we must win more than anything else.

Senator Reid became the Majority Leader with a powerful left wing bloc of voters that wanted to pull out now. This did not happen. If Senator Reid truly had the people on his side, the measure to withdraw would have passed. Instead, Congress has a lower approval rating than President Bush.

Senator Reid could be right about other issues. It does not matter. The war is the issue of my generation, and if Senator Reid continues flailing against the war, he will end up being on the wrong side of history.

The enemy is Islamofacism, not President Bush.

This will matter because as Iraq heals, Iran is saber rattling. If Iran were to acquire a nuclear weapon, and President Bush did not stop them, he would be blamed for not keeping Americans safe.

President Bush gets blamed for a preemptive war in Iraq, and also gets blamed for not doing enough to protect America from Al Queda. Everything is his fault. It is for this reason that I suspect that Senator Reid’s criticism of President Bush is reflexive. President Bush is being criticized for not “getting tough” with Iran, but in my Neocon world, getting tough means taking people who want to kill you and obliterating them from Planet Earth. We can take out Armageddonijad and many of the Mullahs tomorrow  with targeted strikes that would not harm the Iranian people.  It is the democrats that have prevented  President Bush from a military strike against Iran.

Senator Reid dislikes President Bush. The war is President Bush’s war. Therefore, it has to be a bad war. The more the evidence mounts, the deeper Senator Reid digs in. He keeps doubling down, because accepting and embracing the truth would end his career. Senator Reid has a job to do, and that requires that he leads a political party that has a lunatic fringe that demands that this war ends right now. If he were to support the war tomorrow, he would be fired as Majority Leader.

The problem for him is that while he is the Majority leader, his constituency across America is a minority. They yell loudly, but the silent majority wants to win this war. The 2006 election that brought Senator Reid to his current position was a rejection of the way the war was being conducted. It was not a vote for ending the war. If it was, the war would have ended.

President Bush got the message, and brought General Petraeus in to fix things. He simply got the job done, and Americans can see this. Protests cannot overcome cold hard facts.

There are plenty of other issues that people can quibble about, but if we are all blown to kingdom come by an Islamofacist lunatic, the rest will not matter.

Our enemies have been at war with us for over 30 years. President Bush, when faced with an atrocity too great to ignore, chose to actually do something.

Senator Reid represents a political party that wants to close Guantanamo Bay, without saying where these people would be placed. I doubt he wants them in a Nevada prison.

Senator Reid represents a political party that wants to give habeas corpus rights to enemy combatants.

Senator Reid represents a political party that spends more time investigating alleged fictional atrocities by American soldiers who are trying to fight an enemy that beheads people.

Senator Reid represents a political party that wants to have dialogue with Iran, who has been at war with us for decades. Iranian President Armageddonijad was one of the hostage takers back in 1979. He should be in Guantanamo Bay now, not teaching at American Universities.

Senator Reid represents a political party that is against drilling for oil under the flimsy excuse that it will not completely solve the energy problem. It would absolutely be helpful. The American people support drilling by overwhelming margins. Had Bill Clinton not vetoed drilling in 1995, we would not be in this mess today.

Senator Reid represents a political party that insists that Iraq is a failure, even though many of the critics have not even been to Iraq. Liberal Congressman Brian Baird of Washington State has been to Iraq and seen the progress. He could not ignore the evidence.

Senator Reid represents a political party that is haunted by the ghosts of Vietnam. Our soldiers were winning in Vietnam. Democrats in America lost that war. Democrats are scared to death about being blamed again. This is why they say they support the troops, but not the mission, even though the troops support the mission.

Senator Reid on some levels is an American success story. He rose from a poor background to become the Majority Leader of the Senate. If America was at peace, that would be the Harry Reid story.

Unfortunately for the Senator, he is willing to throw away what could have been an inspiring story of American triumph over adversity. Perhaps it is because of his intense dislike for one man. Perhaps the left wing fringe has frightened him, although he does not seem to be a man that gets frightened easily. In all fairness, those people scare the daylights out of me.

The reason is not important. What matters is that America is in the middle of World War III. The struggle is civilization vs barbarism.

If Barbarism wins, then God help us all.

Senator Reid is an important figure in American politics today. Yet being a brief part of history is not the same as making history.

Those who will not go all out to help our soldiers win this war will be mere footnotes.

Senator Reid represents the modern democratic party perfectly. The modern democratic party has seen the face of evil in the world, and has chosen not to try and defeat it at all costs.

President Bush is one man, but his doctrine must live on. The fate of the free world depends on this.

Senator Reid can dispute this till the very end.

To the very end, President Bush will be right and Senator Reid will be wrong.


My Interview With Senator Harry Reid

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

About a month ago I met Nevada Senator Harry Reid, the Majority Leader of the Senate. He was speaking on the UCLA campus about various issues, including his autobiography.

One thing he made crystal clear was that he felt that President George W. Bush had broken his word. According to Senator Reid, on two separate occasions, President Bush lied to him.

While I hope that this is a misunderstanding, I was delighted when Senator Reid agreed to do an interview with me by email. Given how passionately he spoke about the issue of integrity, I wanted to see if he walked the walk.

With me, he absolutely did. His staff was overwhelmingly gracious. In terms of cooperation, they might have been among the best I have ever worked with. The entire process took less than a month.
On more than one occasion, his staff emailed me or telephoned me to let me know that they had not forgotten about me. I made it clear that I more than understood. The man is busy. The entire Senate hinges on him. This is an awesome responsibility.

Promises were made on both sides. I gave the Senator my word that the top democrat could do an interview with a conservative republican blogger and be treated fairly. His staff vetted my blog, and felt comfortable that integrity would be valued on both sides.

More than one person I know expressed that the only reason the Senator agreed to do the interview was because (insert sinister motive here). This is unfair to Senator Reid because it makes him a bad guy whether he does the interview or not. Overanalysis leads to silliness. He graciously accepted my offer, and followed through. On this point, there is no reason to delve further.

I want to make it clear that I am absolutely not embracing many of Senator Reid’s policy views. He is left of center, and I am right of center. We have differences. Having said that, opponents should never be confused with enemies. I would absolutely break bread with the Senator.

Before meeting the Senator, I had two major concerns about him. The first concern was that he came across to me on television as dour. I don’t recall him smiling much. After learning about his hardscrabble life, I had a better understanding of him. He has had pain in his life that nobody should have had to endure. I have not walked in his shoes, and his serious demeanor is that of a man that has walked a long hard road.

The second concern I had about Senator Reid is his intense dislike of President Bush. I do not know if it is a hatred, but it is definitely a dislike that goes beyond politics. Senator Reid has given his reasons. I wish he felt differently, but again, his shoes are his own.

With that, I bring my interview with Nevada Senator and Majority Leader Harry Reid.

1) Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole is known to have expressed that those in the minority can
afford to resort to tactics, but leaders, especially the Majority leader, have to get things done. This involves working with the other side. What major legislation has become law because of your leadership, and which republicans did you work with to get these bills passed?
Senator Reid: Despite our differences with our colleagues from the other side, we have accomplished a great deal for the American people. For instance, last year out of the gate we passed sweeping lobbying and ethics overhaul, we passed legislation to implement the 9/11 Commission’s recommendations, and with 17 Republicans joining us we passed funding for stem cell
research. Unfortunately, this bill was vetoed by this President. Furthermore, it was a bi-partisan group of Senators that fought for and passed legislation to provide health insurance for low-income children, which the President also vetoed. Not too long ago, a strong bi-partisan group of Senators came together and passed an energy bill, which for the first time in decades, raised CAFE standards.

2) To put it mildly, you do not have a warm relationship with President Bush. It appears to be more personal than political. How is your relationship with Senator John McCain? Given that he is a staunch backer of the War in Iraq, could you still work with a President McCain on other issues?

Senator Reid: I came to Washington with John McCain in 1982. I served with him in the House and we came to the Senate at the same time. I respect his service to our country. However, he is just wrong on the war and wrong on the economy. Despite our differences, as mentioned above we have always found ways to work with Republicans on a number of issues, accomplishing a great deal for the American people.

3) With gasoline prices reaching all time highs, some Democrats have talked about taxing the profits of the oil companies. Aren’t the real villains the foreign Middle Eastern governments? Doesn’t blaming
corporate America put us in a circular firing squad?

Senator Reid: At a time when oil companies are making record profits on the backs of American families, our neglected energy policy under this administration needs to be revisited. I think the better question is, how do we get America on the path toward energy independence, and that is something Senate Democrats have repeatedly worked to do. We passed and got signed into law the first increase in fuel efficiency standards in decades. We are also pushing energy legislation that seeks to roll back tax breaks for oil companies and invest that money in renewable energy, protects consumers from price gouging, forces big oil to pay its fair share, curbs market manipulation, and stands up to OPEC.

4) 2008 is a year of political boldness. Who are some people Barack Obama should consider for Vice President that have not been bandied about yet? What do you think of former Senator Max Cleland as a bold choice? Is America ready for a potential handicapped President such as Cleland, or New York Governor David Patterson?

Senator Reid: That is a decision Senator Obama can only make and I wouldn’t presume to tell him what to do. As for your question about America being ready for a Vice President who is physically disabled, I think we should all give Americans more credit. Certainly the right person for the job is someone who can fully support the agenda of the Obama administration, being disabled has nothing to do
with that.

I would like to thank Senator Reid for taking the time out to visit the Tygrrrr Express. I again would like to thank his staff for their professionalism. The manner in which they dealt with me was exceptional. I would also again like to extend regards to the Senator’s wife Landra, who when I met her was as pleasant as they come.

With regards to issues, I still would prefer to see Senator Reid as the Minority Leader. It is not personal. We disagree on issues, and those disagreements are normal and healthy.

As for his charge that President Bush is a liar, I was not in the room. As for Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell charging Senator Reid with being a liar, I also was not in the room.

What I can say is that with regards to me, Senator Reid absolutely kept his word.

I cannot in good conscience wish the Senator success from an electoral standpoint, but I genuinely wish him well personally.


Meeting David Keene

Monday, June 23rd, 2008

At the Santa Barbara retreat organized by David Horowitz, I met David Keene, the Chairman of the American Conservative Union. Mr. Keene is a big, burly guy who likes his tobacco in a pipe, old school style.

Cutting to the chase is not my style, but it is Mr. Keene’s style. Therefore, I shall present his remarks forthwith.

“Democrats only win elections when republicans screw up. This was the case in 1974, 1992, and 2006.”

In this last election, just as in 1974, republicans were seen as crooks. Democrats then made the mistake of completely misreading the results. It was not just Iraq or Mark Foley. It was everyone’s fault.”

“Losers blame winners, and winners claim false mandates. Hillarycare was only one sentence in 1992.”

“In 2006, democrats claimed a false madate. They claimed a mandate for higher taxes, a mandate for government run health care, and a mandate to move to the left. Congresswoman Maxine Waters even claimed a mandate to have government take over industry.”

“The taxes on gasoline come to 18 cents per gallon. The profit they earn is only 8 cents per gallon. Government produces zero, and then collects the tolls.”

“John Kerry could not win because the United States is optimistic. Obama gets this. Kerry was incapable of giving an optimistic speech. The question is how Obama will stand up when the pressure hits. Obama often voted “present,” to stay clean on issues. He has a glass jaw. He kept failing to put Hillary away, when most democrats don’t even like her. Yet Obama gets credit for running a good campaign.”

“In 1972, I worked for Spiro Agnew. George McGovern told a reporter to ‘kiss his @ss.’ Agnew, despite being on the other side, identified with McGovern.”

“The rules change after winning the nomination. Americans see more than a thematic speech. Unlike primaries, in the general election voters are not in synch with government solutions.”

“Young people are economically libertarian.”

“McGovern warned the democrats about 2008 becoming 1972, if they treat Iraq as they did Vietnam.”

“Democrats argue that their is one bad world actor, and that is the United States. Americans do not believe that the world is pleasant. America is a peaceful island in a dangerous world. They will vote for John McCain because of the world we live in.”

“It is about the War on Terror. A republican screwup gave us Jimmy Carter, who surrendered to Iran. We have too much at stake to do that again.”

David Keene was nice to talk to, and like me, he is a supporter of the National Rifle Association. My family also supports GOAL (Gun Owners Action League), as well as JPFO (Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership). Mr. Keene understands that liberty is vital, and that starts with respecting the Constitution as it was originally intended, free from liberal activist and spin.

I do not agree with Mr. Keene on every issue, but in terms of liberty, the Second Amendment, and the national inclination for Americans to lean towards conservatism, our synthesis is solid.


From Touching This To Showgirls

Sunday, June 22nd, 2008

Before getting to what some consider the greatest movie ever made, Showgirls, the Tygrrrr Express has a quick sports update from the gridiron.

At 36 years of age, I have come out of retirement to play football again. Like many others well past their prime, I can’t walk after the game, but I can’t walk away from the game either.

This is my second year in the Adult Sports League. While this is a fabulous name for a coed touch football league, the women are all fully clothed. Thankfully, so are the men.

When tackling somebody in touch football, it is vital to always use open hands. Never ever grab or squeeze. Just touch. Last year when a hot female receiver ran into me, she apologized. Realizing that I may have accidentally gotten to second base with her, instead of apologizing I accidentally thanked her. I didn’t mean to, but I would not be the first guy to behave like a moron around a hot woman bouncing up and down. Plus, she was holding a football. Had she offered me a hamburger I might have proposed. At least she helped me up.

Anyway, the Chicago Cannonball and I are pretty serious, so I have to be careful. Being sophomoric is not acceptable, despite the fact that the name of my team is “Touch This.” Our Jerseys are white, which is good during the hot summer sun. Therefore, Touch This at the very least is as functional as it is linguistically aesthetic.

Before last week’s opener, when asked where a couple of the women on our team were, we stated that they were in the bathroom. One guy on the other team said, “good.” I broke out laughing, at which point he clarified himself, stating that he was not expressing excitement regarding their whereabouts. After the game when he tried to explain himself, I explained to him that the reason I laughed was because expressing delight in any way about women and bathrooms was inappropriate given that R Kelly had just been acquitted 24 hours earlier. I can say with certainty that there is none of that sick stuff on our team. We shower separately, and those showers are with crystal clear water, not any other color at the end of the rainbow.

Oh yeah, and we played football. This week’s game was a heartbreaker. Our quarterback and I barely missed connecting on a bomb. We also had a tying touchdown ruled out of bounds out the back of the end zone. We suffered an interception on the next play.

For those who care, trying to live blog a game while playing is beyond my capabilities, which is why I offer only color commentary and not play by play.

Late in the game, down 28-15, we scored, got a critical stop, and had one last chance for a win. Our quarterback heaved a Hail Mary, but there were no miracles on this day. We fell short 28-22.

We then cursed life and vowed vengeance. Actually, that may be an exaggeration. We went to the bar and had drinks. As a Jewish person, I am glad the teams did not do the NFL ritual of kneeling to Jesus at midfield afterwards. Had we completed the Hail Mary, I might have considered it.

My team is practically a team of couples. Three of the women on the team are romantically involved with three of the men. I hope they refrain the night before and day of the games, but if they don’t, I never want to know.

As for the Chicago Cannonball, she was in town last week, and made a lovely sign that said “Go Eric!” I asked her never to show it to anybody, because perhaps if I have a bad game I will be told to “go” in a less positive manner.

Two of the girls got injured, and for some reason they insisted on being adult about it. It truly is an adult sports league. I would have cried like a four year old girl, but then again, I do that anyway. Telling them to “man up” would not have been helpful, given that they are women. Plus, it would have been hypocritical given that the Chicago Cannonball wants me to man up, and I have no intention of doing so.

She is back in Chicago, and the only thing worse than losing a football game is not getting any sympathy love afterwards. My pain never ends.

I am just glad there are no cameras around. My worst tackle of the day on a very tall guy had me getting him on both sides of his body in the worst possible way. Had he been normal height, it would have been his back and his chest. My palms were open, and he did not file charges. I apologized to myself, and forgave myself.

So our team lost a close game, but at least my teammates are cool people. To those who disagree, I say “Touch This!”

Yet if girls running around playing football is not enough for a healthy man to witness, there is the true joy that is “Showgirls.”

I had the…pleasure is not the right word, but I will use it here…of seeing a play extolling the movie Showgirls as the greatest movie ever made.

The brains behind this absolutely bizarre idea for a play is Jackie Clarke. Yes, she is the same Jackie Clarke that is in my list of Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies. Nevertheless, as much as it pains me to say this, I respect her for her mind. She is as warped and disturbing as she is disgustingly brilliant, or brilliantly disgusting.

One of the characters played movie Producer Joe Esterhazs, and he was a riot. There was plenty of ad libbing at this play, and one of the reasons for the ad libbing was that the air conditioning in the theatre was broken. The guy simply took his pants off, and used a bottle of beer in a way that I never want to see again. I truly hope that was “fizz” that he sprayed the crowd with.

Jesus is played by a naked woman, and the guy placing his upper lips on her (Female Jesus’s) lower lips is described as a “Jew.” Yes, people more disturbed than me exist.

I have never seen the movie Showgirls, but the concept was so bizarre that I had to see it. Now I need to watch the movie. I only know one line in the whole movie, because they played the clip over and over on commercials. My friends and I would say the line during completely random moments for no reason. During a game of pickup basketball, I screamed at a player on the opposing team, “I’m not a stripper, I’m a dancer!” He had no idea what I was talking about, but luckily, neither did I.

As for the guy playing Joe Esterhazs, somehow during one segue he talked about various sexual acts with various animals. I have never found bestiality to be particularly humorous, but I have to confess that I doubled over with laughter when this fellow put words together to form a sentence that I have never heard before and will most likely never hear again.

“I once finger banged a hermit crab.”

I am desperately looking for a way to slip that into conversation at an incredibly inappropriate time. I have ruled out using it when I meet the Chicago Cannonbal’s parents, or when I am having dinner at the Rabbi’s house.

Perhaps one day when I win an honorary degree, and they ask me if I ever dreamt big. I will tell them that now I have sex with a fabulous girl, but in my darkest days I finger banged a hermit crab.

Ok, at least I have plenty of time to work on this one. I just hope my regular t-shirt guy can come up with a good visual. Our team does not have a mascot yet.

Erotic occurrences with crustaceans aside, the play is incredibly clever. Jackie Clarke is a pervert, and society is better off for it. I recommend people go see this play.

Oh, and Jackie Clarke likes football, for those who thought this column would not get wrapped up in one of my perfectly unkempt little bows.

Given my relationship with the Chicago Cannonball, I will not play naked football with Jackie, no matter how much she begs, even if she offers me a hamburger afterwards.

Besides, I am not a stripper. I’m a dancer!

If I ever make it to the end zone again, I am prepared to make Bob Fosse proud, whoever that is.


The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

When high finance meets high society, we get finance movies such as “Stocks and Blondes,” where the woman is covered only in the ticker tape. Yet even more powerful than the cocktail of sex and Wall Street comes in the mixture of sex and politics.

It is in that spirit that I have compiled the list of the top 120 political yummy bouncies.

Technically this is not much different from listing the top 30 hottest political women, except that the focus is on their T and A.

From the front, I dream of playing sexual volleyball, bouncing them vigorously. From the backside, I hope to play Sir Mixalot’s “Baby Got Back,” while giving them the ketchup bottle treatment.

For those wondering why my girlfriend, the Chicago Cannonball, is not on the list, the answer is simple. She is apolitical. There is not a woman on earth that compares to her in my opinion. Her body is a temple, and I enjoy worshiping at her altar. Yep, her holy grail is quite holy indeed.

Nevertheless, I had a life before her, which basically consisted of uncontrollable sobbing knowing that the women on this list were not mine. To the best of my knowledge, I have had sex with none of them.

Compiling the list was more difficult than I expected. I thought the trouble would be narrowing the list. The reverse was the case. To even find that many women that caught my attention were rare. Politics is mostly powerful bald white guys, and I have never been attracted to the cue ball look.

The list has been divided into the top 10 liberals, centrists, and independents. Given that they were all anatomically correct, this added up to 20 breasts and 20 hides per all three political denominations.

I did not include pictures to all of the women because they were all fully dressed in the pictures, making the exercise pointless.

Several of these women are over 40, and even in a couple cases over 50. So what? Hot is hot.

Nevertheless, I now bring the top 120 political yummy bouncies.

Liberals/Democrats: I left out Senator Barbara Boxer because she is older now, although she was a hot piece back in the day. I left out Obama Girl because she was too lazy to even vote for him. Patti Davis, despite a playboy spread, should be off the list because her father, the great Ronald Reagan, deserves to rest in peace. Al Gore’s former campaign manager Donna Brazile almost made the cut, due to her salacious appearance on the Colbert Report where she offered to have sex with him in a Kansas City hotel room. This list was written before I saw Washington State Senator Maria Cantwell on television. She will absolutely make future lists.

With that, the official list is below.

10) Rachel Sklar–She is affiliated with the Huffington Post. Providing a link to promote that site is a non-starter. However, with her, just hit the mute button and enjoy.

9) Julie Roginsky–She is a democratic strategist. She is hot. She speaks as well, but I remember not one word.

8.) Sarah Gore–Her father tried to steal an election, but she used to steal the loins of men with pulses. She recently got married. I am green, but with envy, not environmentalism.

7) Lisa Lange–She is associated with Peta, and was behind their naked marketing campaign. She is proof that no matter how awful an organization is, guys will listen when a woman is promoting nakedness.

6) Alexandra Kerry–I really wanted to be between her legs in 2004, but not enough to vote for her father.

5) Segolene Royal–The former French Socialist candidate for Prime Minister is so regal. She was sleeping with the party chairman, and they had kids. The French election was a coin flip, since my head supported Nicolas Sarkozy despite her being a hot piece of tail.

4) Julia Allison–She used to date a democratic senator. Every aspect of her life is on the internet. She is like Jim Carrey in “The Truman Show,” only with a much sexier body and much more granola lifestyle.

3) Jackie Clarke–She did an entire play dedicated to the movie “Showgirls.” She likes football, cursing, and talking about her female body parts. She is equally frightening and ketchup bottle worthy.

2–tie) Norah O’Donnell–She is an impartial analyst on MSNBC, meaning she is a liberal. Again, this is a visual contest, with the less auditory aspect being the best. She is stunning.

2–tie) Naomi Wolf–Yes she has become part of the lunatic fringe that believes in 9/11 conspiracies, and compares President Bush to the evil in this world. Who cares? This is a subjective beauty contest, and she is a hot piece of Jewish rumpus. Plus, one of her sex books helped me get more than my fair share, which proves that even feminists can be useful from time to time.

1) Jane Fleming–Recently married with two children, those pouty lips of hers are a perfect fit for her constantly angry television appearances. I think she actually has a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that she keeps on her kitchen counter. She is the reason pool tables were invented.

Centrists/Independents: Entertainment reporter Shira Lazar would have made the list, but she rarely discusses politics. She is a sweet girl, and easy on the eyes. Sarah Silverman frightens me to death, and her comments are barely political. She is proof that hot women can say anything at any time for any reason.

10) The women of Poland–Women in Poland are stripping naked to protest against politics being dominated by men. I support their freedom of expression.

9) Alison Rosen/Michelle Collins–They are both commentators on “Redeye,” and I do not think they have ever been on at the same time. They might be the same person. I hope they have 8 yummy bouncies instead of 4.

8.) Gloria Estefan–Yes, she is a Cuban singer. She also got very political during the Elian Gonzalez fiasco. I would do the Conga if I was in bed and she was there.

7) Tammy Bruce–I am pro-gay rights for everybody except her. We should donate ugly women to the lesbian community in exchange for her. She curses like a sailor, and the fact that I am completely intimidated by her is a turn on.

6) Ashlee Dupree–Any woman that destroys Eliot Spitzer and appears in a Girls Gone Wild video is a Goddess. I normally do not endorse drugs and prostitution, but she is why the lord created Spring Break.

5) Campbell Brown–CNN would have much higher ratings if she was allowed to moderate Presidential debates in her undies. She is a smart woman, but this column could care less. She reigns supreme at the Cheesecake News Network.

4) Kiran Chetry–She is also a Cheesecake News Network girl. She was not the hottest woman at Fox News, but at CNN where the journalistic standards are lower, her legs fit in perfectly.

3) Dagan McDowell–Scarlett O’hara made it to Wall Street. Her accent could melt butter, and her brilliance is overshadowed by her beauty.

2) Mirthala Salinas–She is the news reporter that slept with the Mayor of Los Angeles with a name that is hard to spell. I give the Mayor credit. He has excellent taste.

1) Carla Bruni–She is the first lady of France. Nicolas Sarkozy understands that the only reason to gain power is to bed models. Between Bruni and Royal, the French have all they need for a prime time jello wrestling special.,_Gloria/Pictures/

Conservatives/Republicans: I left Barbara Bush off the list. I am not referring to our current President’s mother. I am referring to his daughter. Barbara is adorable, but out of respect for the Dub, I will say no more. George W. Bush, just know I want to be her Secret Service body guard. Please do not waterboard me, I voted for you twice. Michelle Malkin is not on the list because I am beyond intimidated by her. When she goes on television and flares her nostrils in anger, I want to hide in the corner and cry. I am a sissy. Patricia Heaton, who played the wife on Everybody Loves Raymond, is one hot mom. She has contributed to republicans, and I wonder if she was naked when she wrote the check. Fred Thompson’s wife Geri is stunning, but out of respect for the Alpha Dog, I will leave it at that. I met them and liked them. The blogosphere has a republican Jewish blogger named Spree. When she becomes more famous, I will make sure the world knows that I was the one who made salacious comments about her when others ignored her body and insulted her by judging her blog on the quality of the writing.

10) Jeanine Pirro–She may not have defeated Hillary Clinton in New York, but this prosecutor would easily win a contest over Hillary in terms of who guys would want to paddle. She also appears on Redeye, where she pops out opinions as she pops out her cleavage.

9) Amanda Carpenter–This Townhall political reporter is an incredibly sweet person. I almost left her off the list out of respect, given how dignified she is. However, I needed one more name, and she is very pretty.

8.) Sarah Palin–She is the Governor of Alaska, and a possible candidate for Vice President. Her 91% approval rating may be because men outnumber women in Alaska by 25-1.

7) Kate Obenshain–She claims to have 4 children. Some women never age. She is deep into republican politics, and I am deeply into her, albeit from afar, given the restraining order.

6) Michele Bachmann–This Congresswoman from Minnesota is smart as a whip. She is not into whips, preferring family values. She was never in Bachmann Turner Overdrive, but she turns me into overdrive. She should reprise the role of underwear model made famous by Terri Garr.

5) Angie Harmon–She is married to retired football star Jason Sehorn. As the hot republican prosecutor on Law and Order, her first episode was fabulous. When she thundered, “Hang ’em all, no deals for anybody,” I realized that there is nothing sexier than a tough hot woman in charge of the penal code.

4) Mary Katharine Ham–I met her in real life, and she is incredibly classy and dignified. She is a sweet, cool person. She was the subject of the worst blogging 4 part trilogy in history, which began with “Help me Rabbi, I am desiring Ham.”

3) Julie Banderas–As for why I want to paddle her, it might be because I have a pulse. College students may not get Playboy in the dorms, but viewing her on Fox News is the next best thing.

2) Andrea Tantaros–This republican strategist has a devastating piercing tongue, and men around America want to experience it. She was the spokeswoman for Jeanine Pirro, and they would rival any mother-daughter jello wrestling tag team.

1) Shannen Doherty–Her speech at the 1992 Republican Convention captivated men. So did her playboy spreads. I have met her and spoken politics with her. I wish I had taken her on top of the jewelry table, but I was moderately less tactless back then.

Well, all these women will have to live with the fact that my focus is now on the Chicago Cannonball. They are simply too late. Now I need to take a midday nap. Time to count sheep, or in my case, the Chicago Cannonball’s apolitical yummy bouncies.