Archive for December, 2007

NFL 2007–Week 13 Recap

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

Back in September, every September, when hope springs eternal, 32 teams are all a bunch of young puppies. When December rolls around and the weather gets bitter cold, the remaining young puppies get left behind. To quote former Minnesota Vikings defensive standout John Randle, “This is when the big dogs come out!”

There were some good early games, and the late games were thrilling, including an undefeated day for quarterbacks named McCown.

Here is the Week 13 Recap.

Green Bay Packers @ Dallas Cowboys was the Thursday night game. Super Bowl 41 3/4 lived up to its billing. Favre and Romo threw early, often and deep. Dallas did give up one 60 yard run, but otherwise cruised. With Terrell Owens dropping passes in key situations, unheralded receiver Creighton made the big plays. The score of the game was less important for Green Bay than the health of Iron Man Brett Favre. He hurt his throwing elbow during the 2nd quarter and did not return. He will be back next week, keeping his streak of starts intact. A key play occurred on the first drive for Green Bay. Moving the ball well, on 4th and 1, they inexplicably decided on 4th and 1 to kick a field goal rather than go for it. The kick put them up 3-0, but it was a psychological win for the Cowboys. Green Bay is accused of having no running game, and decisions like that reinforce this perception.

Aaron Rodgers came in relief of Favre and played well. Down 27-10, Rodgers did rally Green Bay, although Dallas kept answering back. After the gap was cut to 27-17, Dallas had a chance to ice the game. A pass to Terrell Owens in the end zone should have been an easy touchdown. It inexplicably bounced off of T.O.’s chest, then off his hands, popped into the air, and was intercepted by Al Harris. Green Bay pulled to within 27-24 but got no closer. After Dallas led 34-24, Green Bay faced a 4th and 1 from the Dallas 34. Again, in a mind boggling decision, Green Bay decided to try the field goal. From 51 yards out, this was risky. Yes, they needed two scores, but on 3rd and 1 they tried a deep pass, which is usually done when going for it on 4th and 1 is a no brainer. Dallas was giving up yardage, and any running game would be a justification for going for it. The kick was good, cutting the Dallas lead to 34-27, but when Dallas drove the field again, they only needed a field goal to lock up the game instead of a touchdown. They made the field goal, and iced the game.

Both these teams were 10-1 entering the game, and they very well could meet in the NFC Title Game. It will be a match worth watching. Until then, Dallas has the inside track for home field advantage, which will be absolutely critical. Playing in the frozen tundra of Lambeau field is not the same as indoors in Texas Stadium. 37-27 Cowboys

San Francisco 49ers @ Carolina Panthers–Trent Dilfer threw a 73 yard touchdown pass for the 49ers. Unfortunately, the reception was a member of the Carolina Panthers defense. Can somebody please make Dilfer give his Super Bowl ring to Ray Lewis already? The Panthers led 17-0 at the half. San Francisco managed a rally in the second half, but after closing to within 17-14, the 49ers fumbled a punt deep in their own territory, setting up a Deshaun Foster touchdown run. Ageless Vinny Testaverde had a short touchdown pass with 10 1/2 minutes left to maintain the 17 point lead, effectively putting the game out of reach. Dilfer finished with 4 interceptions, as the Panthers forced 6 turnovers overall, and held the ball for 38 minutes. 31-14 Panthers

Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings–Adrian Peterson returned from injury, as Detroit tried to recover from a 3 game losing streak and convince the football world that the 6-2 start was anything other than a fluke. A 28 yard Adrian Peterson run set up a 2 yard Chester Taylor touchdown and a 7-0 lead for the Vikings. An Adrian Peterson run put the Vikings up 14-3. Detroit scored a touchdown, but Aundre Allison returned the ensuing kickoff 103 yards for a touchdown. Can we please now officially declare the Lions done? The Vikings led 35-10 at the half, and 4 straight losses for the Lions reinforce the notion that water is wet. They played the second half for some reason. 42-10 Vikings

Atlanta Falcons @ St. Louis Rams–The Rams are one fumbled snap away from being a second half of the season juggernaut. Michael Vick reported to prison, and the Falcons have gone to the dogs. Yes, this joke is getting old, but there is no reason other than Michael Vick to ever discuss the Falcons, which has been the case for the last decade. Touchdown passes by Marc Gus Frerotte to Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt had the Rams partying like it was 1999, except for their 0-8 start. They led 21-0 at the half. Although virtually nobody cared, the Falcons actually made a game of it in the second half, cutting the gap to 21-16. They managed to get into the red zone with a chance to win, but a 4th and 7 pass fell incomplete. Nevertheless, a 40 yard touchdown run by Stephen Jackson with 1:17 left iced the game and avoided a spectacular collapse. 28-16 Rams

Seattle Seahawks @ Philadelphia Eagles–Koo Koo ke Choo! All hail the Walrus Bowl! The two mustachioed leaders Mike Holmgren and Andy Reid competed in the Walrus Bowl. Holmgren was a happy walrus when Seattle went up 7-0 on a Shawn Alexander run, but 4 minutes into the game, Philly had tied the game 7-7 on a Correll Buckhalter. A Matt Hasselbeck touchdown pass had Seattle up 14-7. Philly then made their first field goal attempt, while Seattle missed theirs. Nevertheless, Hasselbeck kept firing, and Seattle kept scoring, as a touchdown pass to Nate Burleson had the Seahawks up 21-10. The West Coast Walrus Offenses remained pass happy, with running plays being thrown in every once in awhile for no reason. The track meet continued, with the Eagles closing to within 21-17.

I have always said that a team that runs the West Coast Offense is simply trying to concede that they have no running game. With the Eagles facing first and goal at the one yard line, a run went nowhere. So of course on second down, a play action pass fell incomplete. 3rd and goal managed to get inches short of the goal line, where on 4th and goal, an off tackle run was blown up in the backfield. Yes, the Seattle defense deserves credit for the goal line stand, but at some point this West Coast B.S., which won championships over a decade ago, will be junked, allowing every team in the league to actually concede a need for a running back. By running back, I do not mean a blocker on pass protection or a receiver for dink and dunk passes. I mean a running back that actually runs the ball.

In the second half, realizing that one yard did not give them enough room to work with, the Eagles started from farther away and scored, going up 24-21 on a 29 yard run by Bryan Westbrook. Seattle quickly retook the lead on a 45 yard touchdown run by Maurice Morris, and at 28-24, David Akers missed a field goal.

With Seattle having the game all but wrapped up, a punt return by Bryan Westbrook split the Seattle special teams and put the Eagles in the red zone out of nowhere. Jay Feeley had played well throughout the day despite a pair of interceptions to Lofa Tatupu, and Phill was now in prime position to win. Feeley then was intercepted by Tatupu a 3rd time, as the emotions shifted back. Andy Reid remains Walrus Lite, with Holmgren still the King Walrus in the NFL. 28-24 Seahawks

Buffalo Bills @ Washington Redskins–The Redskins played the game with heavy hearts due to the tragic death of Sean Taylor by homicide several days earlier. An article by Jason Whitlock of the Kansas City Star should be mandatory reading for anybody who wants to shy away from politically incorrect explanations involving the circumstances.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7499442

In a sentimental gesture, the Redskins lined up only 10 players on defense for their first play, leaving a vacant hole where Taylor used to play. The first half consisted of 3 Washington field goals, with Buffalo managing only a safety. The Redskins did manage a touchdown, but Buffalo added four field goals of their own, and the Redskins led 16-14 with 6 1/2 minutes left. With the game all but lost, Trent Edwards threw a desperation pass with seconds remaining that was complete in the middle of the field. After a spike, the Bills had a 51 yard field goal attempt. The kick was good, but a timeout was called. The Redskins then blundered badly by calling a second timeout. Calling two timeouts without a play being run is delay of game, which is actually a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. The 36 yard field goal was good in front of a stunned and saddened crowd. Joe Gibbs took the blame, but a loss is a loss. 17-16 Bills

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts–The Colts offense vs the Jaguars defense would decide whether the Jaguars were ready to be a top tier team, or merely a good team below Indy. Despite being wracked by injuries, the Colts are champions until they are dethroned. When Jacksonville fumbled at their own 11 yard line, Peyton Manning went right to work and put the Colts up 7-0. A 48 yard touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne on 3rd and 16 had the Colts up 14-0. Jacksonville then mounted a 16 play, 84 yard drive that took over 11 minutes off of the clock, cutting the gap to 14-7. The third touchdown pass by Manning, this time to Dallas Clark, with seconds left in the half, had the Colts back up 21-7.

The second half featured another time consuming drive by the Jaguars, who after 7 minutes made it a 21-14. The Colts rapidly went down the field, as they so often do, but Peyton Manning was intercepted in the end zone, squandering a golden opportunity to extend the lead. The Jaguars kept hanging around, and a 47 yard field goal by Josh Scobee cut the gap by to 21-17. It was a 13 play 7 minute drive that only went 38 yards due to penalties. Luke Lawton had a solid kickoff return, and several plays later, from the 1 yard line, Manning threw a shovel pass to Lawton that fooled everybody. His fourth touchdown pass put the Colts up by 11 with 8 1/2 minutes left. The Jags moved down the field, as David Garrard continued to throw for big gains. However, in the red zone, a deflected pass was intercepted by Antoine Bethea, snuffing out a Jacksonville chance to make the game closer.

The Jacksonville defense picked a good time to force the Colts into a 3 and out situation, and a Garrard touchdown pass followed by a tough 2 point conversion where Garrard ran it in himself cut the gap to 28-25 with 2:47 left. Jacksonville had 2 timeouts remaining, but did not get the ball back. SOme teams run out the clock. The Colts, true to fashion, passed out the clock. Jacksonville is a very good team, but they are simply not there yet. The Colts swept the season series, and are in the drivers seat in the division. 28-25 Colts

San Diego Chargers @ Kansas City Chiefs–A field goal by each team was all the scoring until late in the second quarter. Defensive player Jared Allen came in on offense and scored a touchdown for the Chiefs. Philip Rivers then threw a 38 yard touchdown pass to Vincent Jackson tied the game 10-10. In the second half, a 31 yard touchdown run by Ladanian Tomlinson put the Chargers up 17-10, proving that Norvelous Norv Turner is a genius when he calls handoffs to his best player. Norveous showed his brilliance by calling the same play again, which resulted in a 28 yard run by Tomlinson that put the Chargers up by 14 with just over 10 minutes remaining. 24-10 Chargers

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins–First we had New England at Indy a few weeks ago. Then we had Green Bay at Dallas a few days ago. Then, we have…well…this. As awful as the Jets are, Miami held their opponent to 3 points last week and lost. In the battle of who wanted it least, this was less about the 1972 Fins than the 1976 Bucs. Leading 10-6, Kelly Clemens was hit, fumbled, and the 43 yard return plucked out of the air had the Dolphins up 13-10. They were on their way to a rampage. Just kidding. Clemons came back with a touchdown pass, and a field goal tacked on had the Jets up 20-13. In an effort to forget their season, the Jets wore their throw up uniforms from when they were the New York Titans. These Titans are lilliputians, but still better than the Dolphins. Weeb Ewbank must have been smiling as this New York throwback team scored on a short touchdown run to go up 30-13. The Dolphins came all the way back and mounted a miracle win. No, not really. 40-13 Jets

Houston Texans @ Tennessee Titans–This rematch will not affect the 2007 season, but the first game was a thriller. Tennessee led 32-7 in the 4th quarter before Sage Rosenfeld threw for about a billion yards in the final quarter, putting Houston up 36-35. Rob Bironas then set an NFL record with his 8th field goal at the gun to give the Titans the 38-36 win. This game, while not badly played, was nondescript by comparison. After Matt Schaub was belted to the ground, he stayed down with a separated non-throwing shoulder. Sage Rosenfels entered again. Down 21-10, he threw a touchdown pass to cut the gap to 21-17. A touchdown run by Kris Brown after a fumbled punt with 10 minutes left broke open a close game and put the Titans up 28-17. The Texans put up a fight, but fell short as Sage Rosenfels was intercepted with 2:43 left. 28-20 Titans

Cleveland Browns @ Arizona Cardinals–The Cardinals jumped to a 14-0 lead, but these are the Cardinal. Fumbled snaps, deflected passes becoming interceptions, and other ineptitude had the Cardinals only up 14-10 at the half, although they only had one actual turnover. Cleveland had the ball for 20 minutes in the first half, yet trailed. Cleveland had three turnovers of their own before the break, one of which was returned 71 yards for a touchdown by Roderick hood. Their fourth turnover did not help matters, and Kurt Warner’s one yard touchdown pass to Bryant Johnson put the Cardinals up 21-10. A long touchdown pass by Derek Anderson followed by a 2 point conversion pulled the Browns to within 21-18. The touchdown was controversial, as Braylon Edwards was thought to have been down. The referees got the call right, and the 67 yard touchdown pass stood. A field gal put the Cardinals back up by 6 points with 11 minutes remaining. Phil Dawson kicked a 22 yard field goal to cut the gap to 24-21 with 6 1/2 minutes left.

The Cardinals moved to the Cleveland one yard line at the two minute warning, but could not get in the end zone. A field goal put them up by 6. Both of these teams have had heart stopping finishes, and today was no exception. On the last play of the game, Anderson’s desperation hail mary pass was caught by Kellen Winslow between two defenders for what appeared to be a miracle touchdown. Winslow was ruled out of bounds, but Romeo Crennel, this time making sure to stay on the field, argued that Winslow was forced out. The Cardiac Kids did not get their miracle this time, as on review the play was upheld as incomplete. 27-21 Cardinals

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New Orleans Saints–Luke McCown and Drew Brees reigned bombs, with Brees completing two deep balls and McCown connecting on one, with the Saints leading 14-13 at halftime. Tampa Bay went up 20-14 midway through the third quarter on a 25 yard run by Ernest Graham. An interception return by Mike McKenzie put the Saints back up top 21-20. With 3:45 left, after a coffin corner punt, Luke McCown was sacked in the end zone for a safety, putting the Saints up 23-20. More importantly, they also got the ball back with a chance to ice the game. They didn’t. Instead, Luke McCown, after getting the ball back, took the Bucs right down the field. Needing only a field goal to tie the game, McCown instead threw the winning touchdown pass with 14 seconds left. This was not Buc Ball, as the stunned Saints lost again. 27-23 Buccaneers

New York Giants @ Chicago Bears–This was a defensive slugfest, with each team scoring a touchdown. The Giants scored their touchdown after a blocked punt. A Robbie Gould field goal had the Bears up 10-7 at intermission. The Giants had three turnovers, yet all Chicago could muster was a 13-7 lead thanks to another field goal. The game remained riveting as Chicago added a 3rd field goal to go up 16-7. Eli Manning came back, but then threw an interception in the end zone.

Eli Manning has been brutalized lately, justifiably so. He had another miserable outing against Chicago, with a couple more interceptions and a fumble. However, a touchdown pass from Manning to Amani Toomer with 7 minutes remaining put the Giants within 16-14. The Giants got the ball back, and moved into the Chicago Red zone. After playing awful all day, the Giants were within field goal range. However with 90 seconds on the clock, the Bears decided to let the Giants score the touchdown. The decision was logical. The Giants could have bled the clock, and the Bears instead were down by 5, with Devon Hester to run back the kickoff. A short kick was fielded by Hester, who got it back to the Chicago 43. A couple Grossman passes got the Bears to the Giants 28 with 17 seconds left. Three passes to the end zone fell incomplete, and the gutty Giants…and Eli Manning…survived. 21-16 Giants

Denver Broncos @ Oakland Raiders–For more coverage of the game of the day, go to

www.justblogbaby.com

Somebody asked me how JaMarcus Russell’s arm was. I replied, “well rested.” I expected it to stay that way. As shocked as I am to report this, Josh McNown threw a touchdown pass on Oakland’s first drive, the first time all year the Raiders scored a touchdown on their opening possession. The defense had Denver on the verge of punting on their first possession, when several missed tackles instead allowed the Broncos to keep their drive going and tie the game 7-7. Then…it happened.

With 13:48 left in the second quarter, NFL History was made. JaMarcus Russell, over my heated objections, was forced to put down his clipboard and enter an actual football game. The game became irrelevant. It was now about seeing the man who would hopefully lead the Silver and Black for the next 15 years. The crowd went crazy, and it was not for the 3-8 team. The Jamarcus Russell had begun.

Russell’s first pass was a 16 yard completion. Put him in the Hall of Fame. He then fumbled a couple of snaps. Bench him, and bring in Daunte Culpepper, who also fumbles snaps. With Culpepper hurt and McCown being…well, McCown…Russell was in for good. Rusell did throw some solid passes, mixed in with some quality runs by Justin Fargas. A loss on one play seemed to push the Raiders out of field goal range, when Lame Kiffin decided to have Sebastian Janikowski attempt a 58 yard field goal. Yes, Seabass has the leg, but this is a field possession game. The kick was short, but the Silver and Black defense was inspired at this point, and with the crowd into it, they got the ball back.

Russell again moved the ball well, and on a 4th and long 1 from the 26 yard line, this time Kiffin decided against a field goal. An off tackle run, because of course moving laterally makes sense in that situation, was stuffed. Denver fumbled the ball in their own territory, the Raiders recovered, and then the even more inexplicable happened. McCown was back in the game. Please, somebody fire Lame Kiffin now. If you bring the kid in, and he plays well enough, leave him in. This is not preseason. Either play him or don’t, but to bring him in, get the crowd excited (for once), start in Denver territory, and take him out, is mind boggling. McCown threw a touchdown pass to Zach Miller to put the Raiders up 14-7 with 50 seconds left in the half. I was happy about the touchdown, but all was not forgiven.

The game was cleanly played, with each team having only one penalty for 5 yards in the first half. For the Raiders, this is impressive. On Denver’s first possession of the second half, Jay Cutler was intercepted by linebacker Thomas Howard, who has five on the season. McCown came back into the game, which meant a field goal. Seabass was good from 38 yards out, and the Raiders led 17-7.

Al Davis fired Mike Shanahan a billion years ago, so at some point the wait would be to see if his curse would rear its ugly, egotistical head again. Denver then fumbled deep in their own territory, their 3rd turnover on the day. Josh McCown, starting from the Denver 12, threw a touchdown pass to Jerry Porter, putting the Raiders up 24-7. On Denver’s next possession, Jay Cutler threw a 58 yard bomb, but the defense held Denver to a field goal. Chris Carr had a long kickoff return, but after a 30 yard run by Justin Fargas, Seabass missed from 35 yards. Denver moved down the field, but a sack of Cutler forced a 44 yard field goal by Jason Elam. His kick was good, and the Raiders only led 24-13.

The curse of Mike Shanahan was a full blown panic among the Silver and Black supporters when McCown fumbled the snap, and Denver recovered at the Oakland 35 on the last play of the 3rd quarter. Naturally, it led to a touchdown in the form of a Travis Henry 5 yard run. The Raiders led 24-20, and another demoralizing loss was only one screwup away.

Kiffin then had McCown come out firing, refusing to try and run out 11 minutes of clock. A pair of passes to Zach Miller went for 44 yards. Seabass barely snuck in a 44 yard field goal, putting the Raiders up 27-20 with over 9 minutes left. Cutler then had a pass intercepted by Fabian Washington. Denver’s 4th turnover had the Raiders starting out at the Denver 43. Also, since the play was challenged, the Broncos lost a timeout.

The Raiders tried to waste the opportunity with a pair of failed running plays and a busted incomplete pass. However, an illegal contact penalty on the Broncos gave the Raiders new life. On 3rd and1, Fargas’s first down run was nullified by a holding penalty on Robert Gallery, taking Oakland back out of field goal range. A perfectly executed screen pass to Robert Griffith picked up the first down. The Raiders then called their first timeout with 5 1/2 minutes left to avoid a delay of game penalty. Justin Fargas ran it in from 5 yards out, putting the Raiders up 34-20 with 3 minutes left. Fargas had 33 carries for 146 yards on the day. The Raiders have won two straight, both against hated division rivals. It is December, not September, but at least for the future, hope springs eternal. 34-20 Broncos

Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers was the Sunday night game. Six days earlier the Steelers played one of the worst games ever played on one of the worst fields in some of the worst conditions. The field was slightly better for this game, but not by much. The Bengals scored early on offense, and the 7-0 lead more than doubled the point total from the Pittsburgh-Miami debacle. Pittsburgh tied the score, and they made their field goal attempt while Cincy missed theirs. With seconds left before the half, Roethlisberger threw a touchdown pass to Hines Ward to put the Steelers up 17-7 at the half. 20 seconds into the second half, a Willie Parker fumble was returned 2o yards for a touchdown. However, the only 20 that mattered was the 20/20 vision of the referees, who on replay due to a challenge correctly noticed that Parker was down by contact. A Cincinnati field goal cut the gap to 7 points, but another short pass from Roethlisberger to Ward had the Steelers up by 14 after three quarters. Cincinnati had several chances in the 4th quarter, but failed to capitalize on any of them. 24-10 Steelers

New England Patriots @ Baltimore Ravens was the Monday night game. This game was drenched in nostalgia. Don Shula and Buddy Ryan were on hand watching the game. In 1985, Shula’s Dolphins gave the then 13-0 Bears their only loss of the season en route to Buddy Ryan’s Super Bowl ring as their defensive coordinator. Tonight they were both rooting for the Ravens for different reasons. Shula wanted to again see the last unbeaten team lose so he and the rest of the 1972 Dolphins can pop the champagne corks. Buddy’s son Rex Ryan is the current Ravens defensive coordinator.

A s for the game itself, it was a dandy. With a heavy wind and light snow flurries, the world was focused on the Patriots offense versus a Ravens defense that is simply not as dominant as it once was. One surprise was that the Ravens offense, thought to be dead with Kyle Boller replacing Steve McNair (who was just put on injured reserve), has a very solid running game with Willis McGahee. Another surprise was that the New England defense could be beaten if it was literally beaten, bruised and battered on every play.

The first half had The Ravens pulling ahead 7-3 on solid running by McGahee. A wind altered, barely made 25 yard field goal put Baltimore up 10-3. New England did tie it 10-10 before the half. The Ravens had a deflected Brady pass start out as a gorgeous interception return for Ed Reed, but unfortunately Reed fumbled it right back to the Patriots. This was shades of the New England win over San Diego in the playoffs last year. The team does not quit on plays. New England had no penalties in the first half, but also converted no third downs.

McGahee continued to gash the Patriots in the third quarter, and several hard runs put the Ravens up 17-10. Although Brady was getting knocked around, he again brought the Patriots back to tie the game 17-17. The Ravens refused to roll over, and more tough running by McGahee set up a play action pass by Kyle Boller that went for a short touchdown and a 24-17 Ravens lead early in the 4th.

What helped the Ravens was that Boller was playing a flawless game, which did not last. With the Ravens driving and in long field goal range, he threw a desperation pass under pressure that was intercepted. The Patriots marched right down the field, although the Ravens throughout the night came up big when it counted. A 38 yard field goal cut the gap to 24-20 with slightly over 8 1/2 minutes remaining.

Baltimore went 3 and out, and New England took over at their own 44 with 7 minutes left. They moved the ball well until self destructing with penalties in uncharacteristic fashion. The wind led to a disastrous punt that went only 14 yards. The Ravens took over on their own 28 with 5 1/2 minutes to play. With both the Baltimore offense and the Patriots defense feeling desperation, The Ravens had 3rd and 2 with 4 minutes left. The Patriots held and called timeout. Another 3 and out for Baltimore had the Patriots taking over at their own 27 with 3 1/2 minutes left.

Brady’s quarterback sneak on 3rd and 1 was converted, and at the 2 minute warning, the Patriots had 2nd and 10 at the Ravens 40 yard line. On 4th and 1, Brady was stuffed, but the play was nullified when the sidelines called timeout. Ray Lewis went ballistic. Everybody dug in. The Patriots were stuffed again, but a false start, while making it 4th and 6, gave the Patriots a 3rd chance. Brady ran for the first down to the Ravens 23. An illegal contact penalty pushed the ball to the 18. With exactly 55 seconds left, the Patriots faced 4th and 5 from the 13 yard line. With everything on the line, the Patriots called their 2nd timeout.

An incomplete pass was no cause f9or celebration due to a defensive holding penalty on the Ravens. It was like watching an animal being tortured. Brady then threw a touchdown pass to Gaffney with 44 seconds left. Two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties led to 30 yards of penalties assessed on the kickoff. The play was being reviewed because it appeared the ball was being juggled. The call stood, and the Ravens had only themselves to blame for a disgusting defeat. Bellichick would have smiled, but Satan will call in his favors of Bellichick one day. An offsides penalty on the extra point added 5 more yards to the kickoff, which took place at the Ravens 35.

The Ravens had 44 seconds, one timeout, and were at their own 20. They got to their own 45 with 14 seconds left, and took their final timeout. The Patriots took their last timeout as well. A desperation should have been intercepted, but was dropped. 8 seconds remained. Boller’s Hail Mary was caught by the Ravens…at the 2 yard line.

The Ravens lost their 6th straight, the Patriots won their 12th straight, and I somehow managed to resist the urge to break every single one of my tv sets. To me Tom Brady will always be the tuck rule guy. There are no moral victories. The Evil Empire of football won again, and the Ravens…never mind, I am too disgusted to finish the thought.

eric

My non-interview with Julia Allison

Saturday, December 1st, 2007

julia-allison-with-laptop.jpg

“Have Laptop, Will Pose. With Laptop. Awkwardly. 

I agree, The Blogger-With-Laptop Photos Are Super Lame.

Really, doesn’t anyone own a desktop anymore??

Obviously I would NEVER pose in such a cheesy … oh, crap.

Actually, I hate the above photo, not just because it’s a totally obnoxious, ginormous cliche but because the shocking truth is, I don’t actually look like that when I write. For one, I use both hands. Also, I never lay on my stomach. Finally, I’m usually naked. Okay, okay – wearing granny panties. Sorry, it’s true. Ask The (Ex) Boyfriend.

Anyway, my web guy refuses to return emails or phone calls, so I can’t get the damn photo removed until I convince some nice techy to help me. HELP!!!!”

The above beauty, brains, and self deprecating nature belong to Julia Allison.

I have never met Julia Allison. She is an enigmatic pig in a mysterious blanket. Actually, she is gorgeous, but I was thinking about pigs in blankets before writing this column. Hey, it’s football season, I get distracted easily.

Anyway, back to one thing that can distract me from football and mini-hot dogs, that being the lovely Julia Allison. She is the loveliest Julia on Earth with the sexiest voice now that Julia Child (rest her soul) is no longer with us. Ok, enough thinking about food. She might be the loveliest Alison as well (If this is the best I can come up with, no wonder this interview did not occur).

I contacted her several months before I became a blogger since I saw her on tv, thought she was hot, and remembered that I like hot girls. After I became a blogger, my thoughts turned from potential romance (one directional mind you) into doing an interview with her. She was friendly, gracious, sarcastic (a major smart @ss), and very busy.

Also, given that my blog is political, which is not her area of expertise, and her career is the entertainment industry, of which I know zippity-nada, there was a disconnect.

At some point during our email exchanges, I realized that they were more entertaining than my actual interview questions, which were more routine.

For those who want to know more about Julia Allison, go to

www.juliaallison.com

She is bright and funny. Given that she seems to blog about every aspect of her life, I can only say that she is almost as shameless a self promoter as I am, although with much better hair. Yes, she has a lot to say, but I find her entertaining, which is good given that she is in the entertainment industry. Also, she has something in common with Puff Daddy, or whatever that fellow calls himself lately. They both do many things, are often on tv, have many talents, and I have no idea what they actually do.

She has a dating column. She is dating somebody, but I have no evidence the column led to the relationship. She also works at Star Magazine. I am in an office all day, and people are not exactly sure what I do, so perhaps she is just so successful that trying to explain it would not do it justice. Or perhaps, she clearly explained it on her blog, and “el dorko” aka yours truly, was too busy reading it while watching tv to figure out the obvious.

Also, some of the comments are in larger type. This is not in any way for emphasis. I just have no idea how to change the bloody fonts.

Anyway, below are my interactions with the funny, cool, girl known as Julia.

“Julia,

I watched your appearance on Hannity and Colmes.

After watching your commentary, all I can say is (redacted g-rated pleasant comment). My compliments.”

I redacted the comments for reasons that are nobody else’s business. That is why they are redacted to begin with. She replied.

“Eric – that was incredibly sweet. Thank you.”

I should have let it go at that, but then I remembered a few days later that she was hot. So I figured I would ask her out.

“Julia,

You’re welcome. I travel a lot, so when not traveling I am a homebody. Tonight when watching H & C I thought ‘what the heck…’

At the risk of having the grace and subtlety of a battering ram, I would like to get to know you better, and take you out to dinner if that works for you.”

For those who started the rumor that she and I are the people that the tv show “How I met your mother” is based on, please stop it. It is not true. Then again, to quote Jack Nicholson, “I can’t handle the truth!” The truth is below.

“Hi Eric – thank you so much for the sweet email. I’m actually living with someone, so I’m going to have to decline your very generous invitation. I hope all is well with you! julia”

“El dorko” responded to her.

“Julialah,

As much as I would like to be delusional and think by ‘living with someone’ you mean a roommate or perhaps your great Aunt Edna, I suspect you have a boyfriend. To quote the Killerz, ‘somebody told me, you had a boyfriend, who looked like a girlfriend, that I had in February of last year…it’s not confidential…I’ve got potential (no idea why I like that song).’

Anyway, I cannot imagine him having a career since if I was him, I would not want to leave the apartment, except to rush to 7-11 for snacks. I will say hello from time to time (3-4 times a year) just because I think you are hilarious…your blog cracked me up (in a good way).”

One of Julia’s worst qualities is her annoying ability to be concise and to the point. Anything she can elaborate in a sentence, I can condense into three paragraphs. She is very sharpwitted.

“3-4 times a year, eh? Are you putting me into your blackberry reminders?”

For the record, I do not own a blackberry, and am totally confused by all these networks the young people use from My tube to your face to space place book to Space Ghost Coast to Coast to the Great Space Coaster. I have no idea what I just said.

I contacted her a few months later.

“Julia,

No blackberry for me…timing was random. Happy 4th! I started blogging 3 months ago, and it has really taken off. It is more political than entertainment related.
If you are ever open to doing an interview for my blog by email, that would be nice.

eric”

She was receptive.

I wouldn’t mind doing an interview! Send me the questions whenever you get a chance.
Have a wonderful 4th!”

A couple weeks went by after I sent questions asking her about politics, entertainment, and other subjects. I tend to ask detailed questions. I also told her that a picture of her riding a horse reminded me of a Charlie Sheen movie “Hot Shots,” when he tells the female love interest, “When I saw you grab the reigns, hold on tight, and ride that animal for all it was worth…I never wanted to be a horse so much in life.” She replied.

“EG! So so so sorry. Your interview questions have been pushed into the deep hole that is my inbox, but I’m flying out to SF tonight and will answer them on the plane. How’s THAT for service!

Glad you enjoyed the horse ;)”

A few days later the questions were still not done. I contacted her again.

“Julialah,

The airlines are so slow lately. I feel terrible that you are still stranded at the airport.

eric :)”

“Ha! TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS!!!

Thanks for reminding me. :)”

A few more days went by, so I decided a different approach, as the host of a fictional talk show with her as the guest.

“My guest today is Julia Allison, looking spectacular at age 65. I remember when we first started corresponding 4 decades ago. Julia, Tell the audience how we know each other…it’s so funny.

‘Well eric, you were a blogger back in 2007, and you sent me these 20 questions. Things got hectic, but in 2045 I found the email and immediately contacted you. Your schedule was filled to the brim with emails about Viagra, mortgage refinancing, and Christian debt relief. You should check your email more often. It took you two years to find my email reply, but the picture of me wearing granny panties had you hotter than Greg Gutfield at a Bea Arthur keg party. You invited me on your show again, and the rest is history.’

Julia, I am prepared to name you my 3rd best friend in the 5th grade if you complete this task already.”

Her response…what can I say? The girl is funny. I suspect in real life she gets away with everything with a few eyelash bats. I was tempted to bat my eyelashes and have her obey my every command, but she had no idea what I looked like, and standing in front of the mirror practicing my eyelash bats seemed kind of metrosexual, which is so 2003.

She replied.

“HA! That’s what you get for sending me TWENTY HARD QUESTIONS!”

I then came to the conclusion that has riveted everybody since the first word.

“Personally I think the emails back and forth between us are hilarious enough to be an article in itself, but I prefer sticking to the formulaic 20 questions format.”

She then gave me the answer that I remember hearing from girls in Junior High School when I asked them why they objected to me asking them to wear a steak necklace on our dates. I do not know Julia’s position on this romantic suggestion.

“Hi Eric, I just don’t have time to answer these questions, I’m so sorry.”

I honestly was not bothered by this. She is a busy woman, and her intentions were good. I wish she had answered the questions, but as I said, the back and forth tete a tete gave me more insight into her personality than her view on whether or not we should bomb other nations in ascending order with Algeria or descending order with Zimbabwe. Foreign policy is complex.

A few days ago, as I stayed awake due to gastronomical goblins (my midnight soda sugar high had not worn off), I broached her with publishing our exchanges. Also, I noticed that she was seeking feedback from people for her dating column.

“Julia,

I was going through some old emails, because as lame as this sounds, when I need ideas for weekend columns, they give me ideas. Anyway, Here is a bizarre g-rated request. Although scheduling did not work out in terms of me officially interviewing you, some of our email exchanges were pretty d@ng funny. I was thinking of publishing them as a non-interview interaction.
Lastly, I may or may not subscribe to your dating feedback thingie. All I ask is if I give feedback that is completely idiotic but well intentioned, redact my name and spare my parents any further grief.

Thanxalotsa,

eric :)”

She gave the go ahead

“Ha, go ahead.

Ta da! I went ahead.

As I said, I am not sure exactly what she does, but whatever it is, she does it well.

I would mention that she is Jewish, but then my parents would ask questions I care not to answer. So in all fairness, Julia Allison is not the only one who chooses not to answer questions from tough sources.

She does have a reputation to keep after all. It is for this reason I refuse to place my picture online. The paparazzi will drive me crazy, and ask me questions that would be better answered just reading my blog.

Oh, wait, that would be Julia. Read the blog. She is a riot.

If this were a live interview, I would lean over just as the band is segueing to commercial and pretend to say provocative things the audience would never hear. When the transcript was mailed to fans (does anyone buy those show transcripts?), it would contain the word best used to describe Julia.

The word is…(redacted).  :)

Stay you my dear.

eric