THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

A Pope and a Hope, a Pope and a Hope, celebrate everybody, a Pope and a Hope!

On the republican side, Huckleberry Hound defeated Deputy Dawg, Dick Tracy, Rupaul, Grumpy and Rudy.

On the democratic side, the man who preached hope defeated the woman married to the man from Hope.

John Edwards came in second, and acted like he won. Hey, it worked for Bill Clinton in New Hampshire in 1992. Hillary Clinton came in third, and somehow says the same words as John Edwards, only without the human emotion. Don’t get me wrong, Edwards is a snake oil salesman. Yet he knows how to sell the stuff well. Hillary confuses loudness with emotion, and the moniker “Shrillary” is not without merit.

Christopher “thud” Dud dropped out of the race, and the five people supporting him are debating issues nobody cares about. Joe Biden and Bill Richardson combined for hundreds of votes more than Dodd, or about 3%. That 3% represents the adults in the democratic party. As for Dodd dropping out, this freaked out Al Gore, who immediately heard a tree falling in the forest, rushing in to save it before blaming George W. Bush. Good riddance to Ted Kennedy’s drinking partner, aka Dud the thud. Biden dropped out as well, further proof that substance is irrelevant in the democratic party.

Mike Huckabee and Barack Obama met Andy Warhol, and the clock is approaching 12:15am. Those dancing the Obamarama have been warned. By the time Hillary is done with Obama (through her surrogates of course), the voters will believe he is the singer who urinates on teenage girls (R. Kelly for those in tune with pop culture as me).

As for Huckeberry Hound, his “Oh my Darling Clementine” routine is officially done. He has peaked. There are two reasons he will go no further.

First of all, the democrats may be the party of donkeys, but the biggest braying jack@ss claiming to be a member of the republican party is Ed Rollins, who takes pride in engaging in gutter politics. Ed Rollins advised Ross Perot, abandoning his party. He also bragged (falsely, thank heavens) about paying black people to not vote in a close race between Christie Whitman and James Florio in the 1990s.

Yes, Ed Rollins was Ronald Reagan’s campaign manager in 1984, but I could have run that campaign. Bonzo the Chimp could have run that campaign. Come to think of it…maybe he did run that campaign. Now he will take a guy who is known as a good, decent, Christian man, and encourage him to act like the devil.

The second reason Huckabee has peaked is because not everybody in America is obsessed over the abortion issue. I am not saying abortion is completely irrelevant, but being pro-life is about valuing all human life, especially from people who wish to murder us. Islamofacism threatens every human being on Earth. Abortion directly affects less than 1% of the population, yet indirectly enrages many on both sides. Mike Huckabee is Pat Robertson, except with a tone that is more warm furry pal Grover and less Oscar the Grouch. Keeping with the Sesame Street themeMost Americans see Bert and Ernie as adorable critters, and do not see a threat in children watching them live together (of course if liberals win they might apply for domestic benefits on “Sesame Street”).

Parents worry that their children might be killed by terrorists, not that they may play with homosexual Teletubbies (Was it the purple or pink one that was gay?).

The big struggle was watching Bill Clinton, his hands placed over his genitalia, quietly listening to his wife with a stoned expression. No, that was not a marijuana joke. I mean stoned as in unmoved. He grimaced more than smiled. The reasons were obvious. The evening was killing him.

Bill Clinton would have given a much better speech than his wife. He would have dazzled the crowd, and tugged at their heartstrings. I am not saying that he would rather be married to John Edwards, but those two are melodic. Hillary is tone deaf.

Not only would he have spoken better, he would have gotten to speak. I was waiting for him to draw blood from biting his lip, knowing that he had to tand their like background scenery while other people…any other people…spoke. Like the kid who can’t win “the quiet game,” even if you promise him an extra marshmallow, he is truly suffering giving up the limelight, even to his life business partner.

In the “Hair-off Hypocrisy” moment in the media, why is it that a perfectly coiffed multimillionaire democrat can declare second place a victory while a perfectly coiffed multimillionaire republican must accept second place as a defeat. They both lived in the state, banked their campaigns on success there, and lost to candidates that will be historical footnotes in a few weeks. Yet Edwards is seen as a winner despite losing to somebody who will…repeat…will…lose…while Romney is seen as a loser despite losing to somebody who also…will…lose.

Once the fake excitement wears off like a romantic partner that was a 10 at 2(am) but a 2 at 10(am), the general election will be a boring, mainstream election between Hillary and Rudy, or perhaps McCain.

Besides, who cares about the Iowa caucuses? The real battle in the last 24 hours was between Huckabee and Hillary in the Hee-Haw Primary known as late night television. Who had higher ratings, Leno, or Letterman? Which person with connections to Arkansas would be the heir to Clintonism?

As for Obama, give Oprah’s pet some credit. He talked about how he united America in Iowa despite a fractured vote in his own party. The guy won, but more importantly is the reason why he won. It is the same reason Huckabee won.

They are both likable, inoffensive, and harmless. Let’s be honest, they are warm and fuzzy. Who cares that they say absolutely nothing? Apparently not Iowa voters. I was waiting for Iowa voters to compliment Obama on his tailor. His suit may be empty, but it does look stylish. Huckabee has plenty of substance, if deep conviction on one social issue counts.

There was no word on which one of the liberals military voters supported, because they were too busy defending our freedom in the last few months before a liberal might pretend to bring them home in disgrace.

Ok, the only people more tedious than Obama and Huckabee and the media who fawn over them are the Iowa voters and their illusion of self importance. Time to kick them out of bed like an Arkansas Governor (No Mr. Huckabee, of course I did not mean you) would, go lick the (redacted) of the 12 people living in Dix Hill Notch, New Hampshire, before getting rid of them and moving onto the real race.

My Darling Huckabamarama Clementine, you are sweet and adorable, but the voters want an adult relationship. Soon enough they will find one. Normally midnight ends it all. Andy Warhol gave you until 12:15am. Donald Trump will be firing you soon.

Hold on, this just in…in the spirit of Al Gore’s carbon credits, Bill Richardson is lobbying to have his 2% applied to 2012.

eric

Folks, the Tygrrrr Express is reporting live from Iowa…well actually I am in Los Angeles, so this is completely fictional, but only an imbecile would trek thousands of miles in January ice storms for a non-story.

Tygrrrr Express: Anderson Cooper, what do you see?

AC: Well Eric, as you know, the Hillary Clinton campaign has been handing out shovels and providing sea salt to make the roads safer. Unfortunately, two elderly ladies slipped and fell, breaking their hips. The Hillary Clinton campaign was first on the scene, making sure both women were ok. One of them appears to be a Hillary supporter, and while she wants to be taken to a hospital, they are trying to drag her into a caucus van. The campaign insists that they will look for a hospital adjacent to a caucus precinct, and that they understand her willingness to stand in line for hours with a broken hip. They came prepared with wheelchairs.

The other woman seems to be an Obama supporter, and it appears the Hillary campaign is just leaving her there. A Hillary spokesperson stated that if they took the woman to the hospital, the Obama campaign would accuse them of stealing votes, and that the only ethical thing to do is to leave her there so the Obama people can get her. When asked what could happen to her if the Obama campaign does not get her, the spokeswoman for Hillary replied that “Barack Obama should be faulted in that case for not having a strong enough organization. He is obviously not ready for the rigors of the Presidency.”

John Edwards is now on the scene, and he has promised to sue whoever is responsible for this woman falling and hurting herself. The woman stated that she was not angry, but that she really did need medical attention. Edwards stated that he would start by suing God, and if that failed, he would sue the city. In fact, he stated that he would sue in Sioux City, because it sounded the same as Sue City. Realizing this would anger other caucus voters, he decided to sue South Dakota instead, since that is where the woman was born.

Back to you Eric.

Tygrrrr Express: Thank you Anderson, you’re an overglorified pretty boy. Ok, now that the Clinton News Network has reported on the democrats, let’s see what Fox News has to say about their lovers on republican lane. Bill O’Reilly, what are you seeing?

BO: Well Eric, first of all, I could kick Anderson Cooper’s @ss in a heartbeat. He thinks having perfect hair will get him viewers. He’s wrong.

On the subject of perfect hair, as you know, Mitt Romney is incredibly handsome. Some undecided elderly ladies were walking to the caucus. When they told him they were undecided, one of the ladies mentioned she had a granddaughter. Springing into action, Romney promised the woman his eldest son, who is also incredibly handsome. Another woman also has a granddaughter, and Romney has offered her his second eldest son, who is also incredibly handsome.

Fred Thompson is bald, and destined for success. He is in his hotel room with his feet on the coffee table with a lit cigar. He has made it clear that “only an idiot would go outside in this weather,” and that the room service is spectacular.

Rudy Giuliani is in Florida. From what his campaign has reported, the weather is gorgeous, and while their is no snow on the ground, most of the elderly voters still complain about the cold, and the quality of the local buffet. He feels ready to take on Al Queda based on his experiences cleaning up New York City, steering the city through 9/11, and driving on Highway 95 to Okeechobee at the same time as senior citizens. He is tested, and they are testy.

John McCain has just been offered the use of a wheelchair by one of the other campaigns mistaking him for a grumpy old Iowa voter. Apparently this was a prank by the Huckabee campaign, who insisted that he was against the prank from the very beginning even while doing it.

Wait, we are getting word that Mitt Romney’s 5th son is only 80% as handsome as his other sons, rendering him the black sheep of the family, or by normal standards, the eggshell white sheep rather than lily white. Luckily the fifth woman’s granddaughter is significantly more hideous than the other girls, so the 5th Romney son will be acceptable compensation for her vote. Rumors are flying that Romney has ordered his wife to start procreating again now because he is out of sons to pawn off.

Tygrrrr Express: Bill, that is fascinating, and your toupee is better than Letterman’s. Who is going to win on the republican side?

BO: Weren’t you paying attention? This whole state is one gigantic Church. Even the Jews and Muslims here are Christians. Huckabee will win, because as you know, Jesus just had his birthday. While this has nothing to do with Pakistan, Iowa is not about serious issues.

Tygrrrr Express: Fascinating Bill. Chris Matthews, you shill for left wing wackos, what is going on with the candidates that only you care about?

CM: Eric, I am going to scream at you like my caricature on “Saturday Night Live,” because that is what I do. This place is colder than Zell Miller after forgetting his meds and challenging me to a duel. Yet the action is so hot that it’s hotter here than Zell Miller forgetting his meds and challenging me to a duel.

Tygrrrr Express: Chris, let’s play softball like you and Larry King do every night. Has the cold weather affected your softballs?

CM: Yes, they are freezing, and quite salty. Speaking of salty, Dennis Kucinich is very upset that his one campaign staffer forgot to bring the t-shirts that read, “I’m Dennis Kucinich.” The original idea was to have Eddie Murphy campaign for him, but that plan was aborted when Eddie stood next to Kucinich and yelled, “I’m Gumby, d@mnit!”

Mike Gravel is yelling louder than I am, but he is actually gaining support here. Apparently when the Hillary campaign ordered tons of sea salt with instruction to use it to “support the gravel,” that confused the voters. Some giant trucks with “gravel” written on them were seen as an endorsement of the Alaska Governor. His support has doubled, and he could pull down four votes, or 80% of his family.

Tygrrrr Express: Anything else Chris?

CM: Yes, this vote is closer than a welldigger’s @ss.

Tygrrrr Express: That does not make any sense Chris. Do you mean it is colder than a welldigger’s @ss?

CM: Yes, this vote is witch teat cold. The situation is more tense than a Dan Rather-Katie Couric smackdown. I wouldn’t mind giving Katie a smackdown on her shapely…

Tygrrrr Express: Hold that thought Chris, we are getting a report in from Florida. Despite the fact that he will be out of office in a year, President Bush’s opponents are still counting ballots from seven years ago. Apparently a box of lost votes for Al Gore was found in the swamps of the Everglades. How ironic is that? If only Gore had searched the pristine nature he loves, he would have won. Actually, wait, scratch that. They found 10 votes. However, at this rate, they will have enough votes to reverse the 2000 election by 2010.

We now go to Larry King in Florida. Larry, is the action intense?

LK: No Eric, in fact, nobody is here except Mr. Giuliani. I know the action is in Iowa, but with my phlebitis, the warm Florida sun works better. As for the voters, they definitely prefer Tony Bennett to Frank Sinatra. Say, did you know about my love for Angie Harmon?

Tygrrrr Express: You mean Angie Dickinson? Angie Harmon is married to Jason Sehorn, the athlete.

LK: The baseball player?

Tygrrrr Express: No, that is Jason Giambi. Anyway, it seems that the Governor of Florida is having a beef with the Governor of Arkansas?

LK: You mean Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton?

Tygrrrr Express: Larry, despite George W. Bush being all powerful, he could not keep his brother in office. Hillary Clinton was never Governor of Arkansas. She married a guy who became that, the only reason we know who she is. I was referring to the Huckabee-Crist conflict.

LK: Oh yes, that issue. Well Governor Huckabee keeps referring to the Governor of Florida as Charlie Christ. It is Crist, as in wrist. There seems to be confusion because Crist is supporting Giuliani, but Christ is supporting Huckabee. Also, given that Rudy is married to a lovely Hebrew woman who is the heir to the Nathan’s Hot Dog empire, there are rumors that he is changing his name to Rudy Jewliani. Christ was Jewish, and now Crist is supporting Jewliani.

Tygrrrr Express: Larry, his wife is a different Nathan, and that report was even more worthless than your normal show. Given that most of the voters there died a couple years ago and nobody told them, do you feel at home? Wait, hold that thought, we have returns coming in from Iowa.

http://michellemalkin.com/2008/01/03/iowa-place-your-bets/

It seems 10 people voted for the democrats. Hillary Clinton received 4 votes, with Obama and Edwards each receiving 3 votes. The Hillary Clinton campaign is calling it a landslide, and proof that George W. Bush is evil.

The republicans had 8 people vote. Mike Huckabee received 3 votes, with Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani, John McCain and Ron Paul each receiving one vote. Huckabee was prepared to take the oath of office, but Justice John Roberts explained to him that the Iowa Caucus does not directly elect the President. Upon realizing Iowa alone was not enough to get elected, Huckabee promptly quit the race.

The republican side is a mess, as the other 5 candidates scramble for Huckabee’s 3 votes. Ron Paul is claiming an avalanche of support, and his second place tie is impressive. Duncan Hunter was expected to drop out, in keeping with his promise to quit if he did not finish in the top 6, or get at least one vote.

Apparently Tom Tancredo is demanding that the other candidates address why all the illegal immigrants are being hidden, and why the Iowa police have not acted. Mitt Romney explained that their simply were only white people in Iowa, and that as an ultra white person himself, he was qualified to state with certainty as to the state’s homogeneity. Barack Obama absolutely agreed, and stated that he will not discuss his black heritage until he reaches South Carolina. Eager to jump on that bandwagon, Hillary Clinton will not go public with the news that she is actually a woman until she gets to California, a more progressive state. She will then ditch the pantsuits and go back to the girley girl hair she had in 1992.

Ok, for final thoughts…Pat Buchanan, go first.

PB: The problem with the Jews is…

Tygrrrr Express: Never mind, how about you Charles Krauthammer?

CK: This process is a complete joke.

Tygrrrr Express: Sir Charles of Krauthammer, right as always. Alan Colmes, your eyebrow creeps me out. Final thoughts?

AC: I have the same initials as Anderson Cooper.

Tygrrrr Express: Yes, but your nickname should be shared with Rob Reiner. Speaking of all in the family, Larry King, you have 20 families, any thoughts?

LK: Mitt Romney has handsome sons. I can’t wait to celebrate Hanukkah with them.

Tygrrrr Express…Umm, Larry…never mind. Susan Estrich…your thoughts?

SE: (High pitched inaudible screech that only dogs and Howard Dean can here)

Tygrrrr Express: Never mind. Bob Beckel, you like hookers. Why do you think George W. Bush is a moral failure?

SE: Eric, that was a cheap shot, and if there is anything I know, it’s cheap shots. I ran Walter Mondale’s campaign, so I think…

Tygrrrr Express: No you don’t. Greta Van Susteren, you do a fabulous imitation of “Beaker” from the Muppets. Final thoughts?

GVS: Well in talking to Scott Peterson on what Natalee Holloway’s mother thinks about Anna Nicole and Britney…

Tygrrrr Express: Greta, I wish you and Geraldo would be deported to Aruba permanently. I heard you did a cavity search of him and found some of the treasure in Al Capone’s vaults. Enough.

We have further news that private citizen and Yassir Arafat’s award winning compadre Al Gore claimed that there was a groundswell for him to enter the race, and that he had the support of Iowa football coach Hayden Fox. Apparently he got confused. Hayden Fry was a former football coach. He is deceased. Hayden Fox was a fictional football coach on the tv show “Coach,” played by Craig T. Nelson. Senator John Kerry claimed that he had the support of football coach Bo Schembechler, until it was pointed out that Mr. Schembechler is also deceased, and he was the coach of Michigan, not Iowa.

This concludes the waste of time that is the Iowa Caucus. As for the 18 people who voted, 18 is a lucky number in Jewish culture, but since none of you are Jewish, I hope you get hypothermia for forcing 18,000 journalists to cover your every movement from your morning shower to your evening bedtime tuck in. Mr. Clinton, stop pretending to be a journalist.

This concludes the Iowa Caucuses. On a side note, several terrorist attacks on American soil were foiled today, but the media was busy covering Iowa, given that there are no caucuses in Pakistan or Iraq today.

Dear God, I pray for ice storms to blanket them all, until their lips are too frozen to speak.

eric

Abolish the Iowa Caucuses.

They are a disgrace. They mean nothing, they contribute nothing, and they are worth nothing. In fact, they are worse than nothing. They actually detract from the political process. The Iowa Caucuses are not democracy at its finest. They are the political equivalent of the “Lord of the Flies,” anarchy running wild.

Even worse than that, they do not represent the American electorate. Before everybody in Middle America pillories me as a coastal snob, Iowa may be Middle America, but the voters in the caucuses are not in the middle.

The Iowa republicans are a disgrace. They have proven this for the last three decades. They care about one issue, and one issue only, and that is abortion.

Abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion.

That is the only thing they factor into their decision.

It is not that there is anything wrong with being pro-life. What is wrong is neglecting every other issue and sacrificing conservative principles as a whole for one issue.

There is no other explanation for the support being given to Mike Huckabee.

I want to make it clear that I think Mike Huckabee is a good, decent man. He is an honorable person with a good family who leads a positive life that can and should be admired. So what? The same can be said about Barack Obama, and nobody in their right mind would call Obama a conservative republican.

Yes, Huckabee is a conservative compared to Obama, but he is well to the left of most republicans.

I made a vow to uphold Ronald Reagan’s 11th commandment of not attacking another republican. However, I do have the right to point out positions on issues without denigrating the person.

Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Fred Thompson all want an aggressive strategy regarding the War on Terror. They all have staunchly supported the War in Iraq, and are concerned about Iran. Mike Huckabee has not been in this category. The other four men want to reduce taxes, and have done so through executive action or legislative votes. Mike Huckabee was a tax raiser.

So what does Mike Huckabee offer that the others do not? A social conservative streak that he mentions in every speech.

Rudy Giuliani was a hero during 9/11, and his Mayoralty was one of the greatest examples of leadership ever. He is pro-choice, and therefore disqualified.

John McCain and Fred Thompson are both staunchly pro-life, but they are guilty of the sin of not mentioning it in every sentence. They actually speak about other issues.

Mitt Romney gets some support for his pro-life credentials that he repeatedly emphasizes, but faces suspicion from others for not being that way since birth himself.

Mike Huckabee may not have any answers for Islamofacists who want to kill people once they are born, but he will absolutely make sure children are born into this world of uncertainty.

Like a Harvard MBA that has to announce in every sentence of every conversation that they are from Harvard, Mike Huckabee continues to hammer the pro-life message, other messages be d@mned. He claims that he is running for President, not Pope, but his campaign displays the exact opposite message.

The democrats in Iowa are even more pathetic. Qualifications do not matter. Speaking in a clear voice, offering lofty rhetoric, and blathering about “hope,” matter more than any experience or grasp of foreign policy issues.

Yes, Barack Obama is a decent man. So is my local dry cleaner, and neither of them are qualified to be President.

On top of that, the caucuses for the democrats are designed to facilitate bullying, or as liberals call it, “discussion.” Any candidate not getting 15% of the vote will watch as their supporters are cajoled, bribed, and arm twisted into supporting one of the frontrunners. These are the same people that want to allow unions to do away with the secret ballots for workers. Private voting allows people to vote their conscience, free from intimidation. The democrats would rather have union bosses muscle out certain candidates and stifle dissent in the name of unity. Apparently the people who talk about the future still think that 2008 Iowa is 1930s Chicago.

http://michellemalkin.com/2008/01/02/countdown-to-iowa-let-loose-the-testosterone/

So the democrats have a broken process and the republicans have a single issue electorate. Democrats are held hostage by the unions and republicans by the Churches.

Past candidates that have been well received in Iowa include Pat Robertson and Alan Keyes. Ronald Reagan lost in Iowa, which people in the other 49 states cannot fathom.

Dick Gephardt and Tom Harkin won, proving that as Iowa goes, so goes Iowa.

As an added bonus, despite many politicians obsessing about diversity, Iowa is lily white.

Every once in awhile, an Iowa winner goes on to win other states, but they would have won those states anyway.

This year the frontrunners on both sides are the candidates that have unifying support–among the other party.

Republicans are salivating over the prospect of facing Obama. It is not his race, although anyone daring to criticize Obama gets the race card played against them (which proves it is the left that focuses on race). It is complete lack of a resume. His suit is emptier than John Edwards, and that is not an easy thing to achieve. Obama is the king of pablum. He thinks we should talk with Iran and Syria, and that hope is the answer to everything.

Democrats, not known for publicly admitting to anything involving prayer, are praying that they face Huckabee in the general election. They cannot wait to paint him as a knuckle dragging bible thumper. It will work. Anybody that thinks the pro-life issue and the culture wars are what every American focuses on have short memories. Pat Buchanan’s speech at the 1992 republican convention in Houston was the gift that kept on giving to the Clinton campaign.

I have a deep respect for Christian America, and Christianity. My objection is to sacrificing principles. The democrats can vote for Obama because they truly are that dense. They generally do not care about real issues that matter.

Republicans have always been better than that. Except in Iowa. Republicans claim to be free market conservatives, but then support welfare in the form of ethanol subsidies. Yet make no mistake about it. Abortion is what matters.

The republicans have a superb Mayor, a War Hero Senator, a brilliant business executive, and a high powered Washington lawyer. Then they have Huckabee.

The democrats have a Senator with years of experience on the Foreign relations committee. They have a former Energy Secretary. On a rung below they have a guy who sues hospitals and a lady who happened to be married to a President. Below that they have Obama.

Huckabee and Obama speak well. As Chris Rock says, “Speaks well is not a compliment.”

Yes, it has been over six years since 9/11. However, it has been less than six days since Benazir Bhutto was murdered by Al Queda terrorists. Can we really trust any candidate that is a deer in the headlights on how to handle terrorism? For those that want to change the channel, we can’t. Unlike the nonsense many fight about, this life and death struggle actually is important.

The other 49 states might even consider Islamofacism a serious matter. Not Iowa. They would rather hear empty rhetoric about hope and endless preaching from preachers.

This is what Iowa has brought us. There is no excuse for it.

The Iowa Caucus needs to go the way of Old Yeller.

Then we can focus on the uselessness that is New Hampshire. Then again, if New Hampshire does one thing right, which is debatable, it ignores Iowa.

So should we.

eric