Dear Sydney Leathers
It seems you have found yourself at the center of a sex scandal. From the moment you were discovered to be the most recent victim of an internet sexual predator named Anthony Weiner, your life has been turned upside down like a freshman on prom night. Although you voluntarily sent a “selfie” to him displaying your pink underclothing and little else, this is in no way your fault. You are a hot girl, and if men have been taught anything since birth, it is that hot girls are never to blame for anything.
The liberal media has crucified you in the cruelest of ways, even attacking your facial beauty and pleasingly plump posterior of perfection. The media never got the memo, but the anorexic look has not been popular since people read Rolling Stone magazine a couple of decades ago. Many guys like a woman with some serious junk in the trunk, and you are obviously bright enough to know this. Kim Kardashian launched an entire career off her oversized backside, and has not had to do an ounce of real work since. If you play your cards and your backside right, you could be a multi-millionairess within weeks.
Pornography is not the answer. Do not do it. You will be used and abused, and at risk for diseases. Playboy is a possibility, but you only get once chance. There is a better way for you to experience the best life has to offer.
Your mistake was not in sending nearly naked pictures of yourself to a man over 40. Your derriere err was in sending them to the wrong man. Weiner is untrustworthy. He is married, and cheating on you and his wife with many other internet paramours.
Next time, do the smart, decent, and honorable thing. Send your pics to me.
If you do not understand why this is the appropriate way to handle things, I can explain it to you personally.
Things will not be easy in the beginning. You will need to become a Republican. Enough of this liberal progressive “yes, we can” blather. Become a conservative, although not one of those uptight ones that refuses to take adult pictures of themselves.
Then you need to become Jewish. Christianity teaches people to feel guilty, and that everything is a sin. Islam is not the right choice, since some in that faith would put you to death for taking selfies. Also, fasting on Ramadan is not good for a woman needing to maintain her curves. Judaism celebrates lust within certain confines.
Then you need to move to Los Angeles, since cold Indiana winters are terrible for a woman’s complexion. All the Aloe and Lanolin in the world cannot counter frostbite.
I suggest you take classes at the local community college. My recommendation is that you major in home economics with a minor in sports business. That way you can fix my dinner while I am watching football, and still understand what the announcers are saying during the game.
(Calm down feminists, those remarks were gratuitous and deliberately designed to get your panties in a bunch. Unlike Sydney Leathers’s pink panties, I have no interest in yours and you know it. If men did, you would not be feminists.)
At this point you are probably wondering what you get out of this. You already have had an entire column dedicated to you, so do not get greedy.
Now take your angelic smile and spectacular honkeytonk badonkadonk, and shake and bake your way over here.
You have already wasted time with sleazy men not willing to appreciate a girl of your considerable talents and caliber. Learn from your mistakes. Since you like Jewish men who pretend to be Latin lovers, I will correspond with you using my secret Twitter handle. My black clad, swashbuckling alter ego is “El Dorko.”
I eagerly await your arrival. Like the classiest finest joint in town, Motel 6, I will keep a light on for you.
Oh, and wear the pink thing. I prefer my Leathers in lace.
Come anytime, and thank you for bringing true romance back to dating in the 21st century.
eric