Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

January 2016 Tygrrrr Express California Speaking Schedule

Monday, January 4th, 2016

Happy 2016. Starting in Mid-January, I will be on the road for most of the 9 months leading up to the presidential election. So before I leave, I have a few speaking engagements in California. The speeches in Los Angeles are all political. The speeches in the Bay Area are not political.

January 9 is my birthday, so join me on my birthday for some fun.

Here is my schedule.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016 — San Fernando Valley Republican Club in Los Angeles. 7pm.

Saturday, January 9, 2016 — Victory Elephant Breakfast in Los Angeles. 8:30am. 

Saturday, January 9, 2016 — Jewish Geeks of South Bay & Peninsula in San Jose. 9pm. 

Sunday, January 10, 2016 — Temple Beth Abraham in Oakland. 10am. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016 — North Hollywood Republican Women in Los Angeles at lunch. 

Thursday, January 14, 2016 — Santa Monica Republican Women GOP Debate Watching Party in Los Angeles. Evening. 

eric

2016: We…can…do…this

Friday, January 1st, 2016

2016: We…can…do…this

What the heck is that beeping sound?

(Knocks the phone off the hook, keeps banging the snooze alarm)

A voice tells me it’s my pager. My pager is black, so finding it in the dark is the needle in the haystack equivalent. A lucky smack knocks it against the wall, where it may or may not have shattered. The beeping continues. Why does anyone need a pager anymore anyway?

Who the heck is texting me at this ungodly hour of…(either 7 a.m., 1 p.m., or 1 a.m. …it looks blurry)?

Oh, no. It is 5 a.m., and my first radio interview of the New Year is with the morning man of an East Coast station. Time to pretend to sound coherent and go back to sleep. Oh no, wait, that radio interview was two years ago.

Great, happy wishes for the new year. Thanks. Whoever you are, it is too early to talk to you.

One year the person on the telephone insisted it was 1 p.m. After explaining to them that they were on the East Coast, and that 1 p.m. EST is 10 a.m. in Los Angeles, they grew impatient. They knew how to tell time, and that it was 4 p.m. EST, hence 1 p.m. my time.

Sure, getting up and writing my column is an option. It’s a new year, and starting the year off with a flurry of brilliance might be helpful. Forget it. This column is recycled from years ago.

Election 2016? The first candidate to call me gets blistered in my column … tomorrow.

Bowl games? There is Tivo. Besides, does anybody care who wins the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl, the Lack of Insight.com Bowl, the Fishbowl, the RU486 Morning After Bowl, The California Metrosexual Pride Bowl, or any other game that may or may not be made up?

Speaking of the morning after, does anybody remember the David Byrne Talking Heads song from the movie “Less than Zero? (which the temperature feels like right now, even in LA)? The song is called “Once In A Lifetime.”

“This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. What have I done? How did I get here?”

It then occurs to me that the beeping sounds are the voices in my head telling me I am too old, even at 44, to stay out this late. Even without alcohol, exhaustion has set in.

Get out of bed? Work calls in (whenever) hours. Better rest up, before my tyrant of a boss complains. Such is the life of the self-employed.

Get up now? Somehow stagger to the shower, get dressed, make it out of my condo to go … where?

The stores are closed. Maybe they are open. Too tired to find out.

My birthday is in just over a week. Time to pace myself.

Work on my website? All that takes is staggering to my couch. Oh, no. My IT guy has not finished it yet. Oh, wait, he did years ago. I clicked on the wrong site.

Go on Jdate and search for women? Not a bad idea, except it is too tiring to check their Adams Apples. This is not the year for a boyfriend, and am not sure that my eyes can tell the difference right now. Besides, Jdate is so 2014. Now it is Tinder, JSwipe and Crush.

Shop on Ebay? No, bad idea. Buying stuff when not at full capacity is problematic. Who needs another mountain goat? Dang creature gets his horns in my hide. Not a comfy way to wake up. Calm down boy, you’ll get some straw to graze on upon my waking up.

Work on my record album? Although again, world, just because my hair is long, that does not mean my band exists. The best instrument is the triangle, because that tells me lunch is ready.

Ahh, yes, lunch. Get up and eat something. My microwave is slow, and a five minute microwave dinner takes almost 15 minutes. Read the paper? It is cold outside my building where the stand is, and it only takes coins. Reading the paper online is tiring, and my printer is not working. At least the lifestyle section makes a great placemat for eating.

Staying in bed for only a couple more hours until (whatever the big and little hands say) would allow me to stay up all night and be totally exhausted for work tomorrow. Again, my boss is a tyrant.

Running errands … not gonna happen.

Every morning, a four word prayer starts my day. My elbows are used to try and leverage them against my bed to prop me up. Placing my alarm clock on the other side of the room failed, since ripping the cord out of the wall solved that problem.

As for the Jewish brunette who stole the covers, her political liberalism was not a problem last night, although if she opens her trap today she will receive a more caustic reception than usual.

Oh wait, she already left. Here is a note. “Tried to wake you, but that was a losing battle. By the way, you have nothing but soda in your fridge. Talk to you soon.” oh, wait, I think that happened a decade ago. This is 2016 not 2005.

She is a liar. There are potato chips in my fridge as well. Why they are there remains a mystery, but it saves having to remember which cabinet they are in. One stop shopping  is the way to go.

Besides, combing my hair for her was enough. Not doing it this morning, proud “retrosexual” that is me.

At least having the decency to say some morning prayers would be appropriate.

“Hey God…those people I pray for every night…yeah those people, the same ones…look after them again.”

Back to sleep, despite every attempt to wake up. The home phone is turned off, the cell is off as well, and the pager is still shattered, in addition to being disconnected years ago.

There may have been a car crash outside my building followed by 911 calls and sirens, but telling everybody to “keep it down,” solved that problem. A brief nightmare of me being late for work was averted when I realized my location to me was known if necessary.

Four televisions in the living room, and none in the bedroom. Who thought that up? Oh yeah, a television in the bedroom would promote laziness. Besides, trying to figure out which remote to use would cause me to break them all as if they were my pager.

Ok, here it is. Come on, elbows, do your stuff. Rise, young lad, rise! Awaken thy exhausted tired eyes!

Why is God shouting? Oh wait, that is my overdramatization of God.

Time to set the alarm now to avoid missing work tomorrow. Where was it thrown? Threw it? Oh, screw it.

Ok, time for my four word prayer. It has gotten me this incredibly terribly far. Time to contemplate getting out of bed.

“We…can…do…this.”

Happy 2016 all. Except for the person that woke me up earlier. Whoever you are, I still can’t stand you, even though you are doing me a favor.

Ten hours and 16 bowl games later, there is only one thing left to do.

Time for a nap. Happy 2016.

Zzzzz.

eric

NYE Hawaii 2015 with Lil Jon, Chappelle and Schatzie

Thursday, December 31st, 2015

NYE Hawaii 2015 with Lil Jon, Chappelle and Schatzie

http://www.commdiginews.com/entertainment/music/new-years-eve-2015-with-lil-jon-and-brian-schatz-54937/

eric

Top Ten Bimbos of 2015

Thursday, December 31st, 2015

Top Ten Bimbos of 2015

http://www.commdiginews.com/entertainment/the-barack-obama-katy-perry-awards-top-10-bimbos-of-2015-54896/

eric

Top Ten PBWGs of 2015

Thursday, December 31st, 2015

Top Ten PBWGs of 2015

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/the-top-10-powerful-bald-white-guys-pbwgs-of-2015-54900/

eric

My 2015 Christmas message

Friday, December 25th, 2015

My 2015 Christmas message

Whether your tradition is turkey/ham (Protestant), corned beef/cabbage (Catholic) or Chinese food (Jews), may peace/love be your dessert.

eric

My 2015 Christmas Eve Message

Thursday, December 24th, 2015

My 2015 Christmas Message

12 Pizza Rolls

11 Coke bottles

10 Bags of chips

9 Slim Jims

8 Donuts

7-Eleven holiday shopping done!

As a proud Jew, I would like to wish a Merry Christmas to every Christian in this world I am privileged to know.

While my knowledge of Christianity is little, my appreciation of the faith runs wide and deep. Anything that teaches people to love thy neighbor is good with me.

So may your Christmas be peaceful, emotionally and spiritually fulfilling, and filled with love.

I even wish a Merry Christmas to San Diego Chargers fans, but nothing beyond that.

Unless the Oakland Raiders win tonight, I take back everything I said and offer lumps of coal for everybody. The fate of Christmas depends on devout Christian and Oakland Raiders quarterback Derek Carr. 

I would wish a Happy Festivus for the Rest of Us, but apparently I have been banned from Festivus celebrations since every day of my existence is an airing of my grievances.

So may it be a Silver and Black Thursday night for me and a Merry Christmas for everyone else.

Dear Santa, help good Christian Oakland Raiders quarterback Derek Carr have a great night and deliver a Raiders win!

To gangsta rap fans, a Merry Crunkmas. May your holiday be filled with more ho ho hos than a Snoop Dogg video. May your Christmas be crunk and your girl have plenty of junk in the trunk.

To quote comedian Anthony Clark, to all atheists, “Well, I hope you win the lottery dude.”

For my fellow capitalists, while it’s too late for X-Mas and New Years Eve, Martin Luther King Jr. Day shoppers can still buy my books “Ideological Lunacy” & “Jewish Lunacy” in time for MLK Day. They make great MLK Day gifts.

To Jews I forgot to wish a Happy Hanukkah, consider this my belated well wishes.

For Jews, tonight is the biggest party night of the year. Hot Republican Jewish brunettes await.

Happy 2016 in advance. Good night and God bless us every one.

eric @ Tygrrrr Express

RJC in DC 2015 — George Pataki

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2015

RJC in DC 2015: George Pataki

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/george-pataki-offers-his-vision-to-republican-jewish-coalition-54329/

eric

Hanukkah 2015 Night 7: Remembering what matters most

Sunday, December 13th, 2015

Hanukkah 2015 Night 7: Remembering what matters most

Tonight a homeless woman approached me outside a 7-11. She asked for change. I offered to buy her food. She said she needed change because the Dunkin Donuts down the street had cheaper food. She didn’t want to waste my money.

How can a guy not be moved by that? I got her a hot dog and an OJ at her request.

I type this not to receive praise but to remind myself that I have not completely lost all humanity. One day when I’m ticked off thinking I’ve done nothing, I’ll see this post.

Happy Hanukkah.

eric

Hanukkah 2015 Night 5: NFL 2015 Week 14

Sunday, December 13th, 2015

Hanukkah 2015 Night 5: NFL 2015 Week 14

http://www.commdiginews.com/sports/nfl-week-14-prequel-and-bettors-guide-53609/

John Randle: “This is when the big dogs come out!”

eric