THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

For those of you who have been reading my column, I would like to thank you very much. The feedback I have been getting has been for the most part been overwhelmingly positive, and that is quite humbling. Then again, the occasional hate mail is also humbling as well.

I have decided to go full throttle with my blog, and try and take it to the next level. I have decided to enter the Bloggers Choice Awards (Thank you to Political Vindication for telling me about it). I will be running in two categories, that of best political blog, and best overall blog. I believe that with enough help, I can win. I am requesting that those of you who feel I am worthy click on the link below and vote for me. If you do not feel I am worthy, please develop a bout of temporary insanity.

http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/21020

I am not a salesperson, nor am I a politician. I feel totally comfortable shaking hands and slapping backs, but I have never been good at asking people for things. Even as a kid, asking my dad for money was not easy. He would give it without any aggravation, but asking for some reason was tough. It just takes a special breed of person to go up to somebody, especially a stranger, and say “give me this.”

A lot of people criticize the presidential process, and how the best and brightest do not run because the indignity of being beholden to so many people is beneath them. I think it is the opposite. Those who run are the ones that are prepared for a grueling process, and it actually does prepare them on some level for actually doing the job.

Luckily for me, my column is a hobby, not a job. However, having said that, I want to make some promises to the people who have taken the time to read my column.

1) This column is not going to become a full time campaign. Once people get away from the core of who they are, they become a shell. The example I often use is Ellen Degeneres. Her activism never offended me, but when she incorporated it into her comedy television show, she forgot that the purpose of the show was to be funny. Her show was then cancelled because she did not “stick to the basics.”

My responsibility is to write well, and provoke intelligent discussion, or in some cases, just discussion. People do not want preachiness, nor do they want solicitations. So after today, it is up to you. I promise to keep my column focused on the issues themselves. I am just the conduit.

2) Despite jokes to the contrary, I do not “mail it in.” David Letterman jokes that he has been mailing it in for 30 years, but the truth is every show is hard work, and rumor has it he is overwhelmingly self critical, because it takes a ton of effort to look effortless. His self depracating nature hides a burning passion to succeed, and he never stops trying to improve.

NFL Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning promised America that he was not going to be lazy next year now that he has his Super Bowl ring. Many athletes win a championship or get a big pay day and then simply slack off. As impressive as winning a Super Bowl is, I am also impressed with Peyton’s letting America know that his desire to be even better still burns. That separates the great from the good.

So I promise you that I will put my heart and soul into every column I write. I read all the feedback I get, and I am determined to make the Tygrrrr Express the best column ever written. In business, the term is called a BHAG, which stands for “Big Hairy Audacious Goal.” Everyone should have one, and I did not start this blog to be anything less than the very best. I will keep trying.

Lastly, I will continue to be the same person. For those of you who dislike me, well (insert nasty word here) and the horse you rode in on. I have had the same friends my whole life, and I will continue to stay true to myself. I will advocate things I believe, dispute things I am against, and stay neutral on issues I simply cannot force myself to care about. If I know nothing about a topic, I will say so. I will continue to treat those who disagree with me with dignity, but will lacerate those that try to use hatred to advance their points.

This is my personal Contract with America and the blogosphere. I started blogging reluctantly, because I felt it would be the height of arrogance to think that anybody would care what I have to say. The fact that people do care is wonderful, but my head is far from swelled. The blogsphere has millions of options, so to be one of them, even for a fraction of a second, is a fantastic feeling. It makes me want to strive harder, to raise the expectations bar, and to do everything I can to justify the good will shown me.

Other contracts have had 10 items, but I am stopping at three. My parents made very few promises to me when I was a kid, but they kept every one of them. The result of that is if my parents tell me that there are martians on the roof, I do not need to go check. I know they are there. They would say the same about me.

I thank you for your support and your votes, and will make sure that my desire to win the Bloggers Choice Awards never comes at the expense of the reason why I feel I should win…that I consistently day in and day out write quality columns.

Oh, and if anybody knows any dead people in Chicago that can help me out, or if you are feeling lusty and want to impregnate a Chad (she looked like a Chadrina at the time, always check the adams apple), make sure I do not know about it.

Great, the campaign just started, and already my hands are getting dirty. Ok, off to find some peccadillo scrubbing lava soap…and then find somebody to deliver a sack of cash to Mistress Evil to keep her quiet about our version of entertainment.

eric

Rosie, Scooter, Dubya and Monique…Before some people ask “How is he going to tie them together? This I would like to see.” The answer is, maybe I will not. I remember in college reading the sports column “Notes on a Scoreboard,” by the late Alan Malamud. Like a Seinfeld episode, by the time Malamud was done, all the random comments somehow ended up tied up in a nice little bow. There are so many things going on in the news lately, that rather than give each issue a thoughtful column, I figured a slightly less than half-@ssed stab at each issue may add up to slightly less than a complete quality column.

The first issue concerns Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie O’Donnell is the descendant of a man born in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Rosie frequently mentioned her heritage when she was a VJ on VH 1, which for you young people, is what happens when MTV decides you are no longer cool.  Now there is no evidence that Rosie O’Donnell was ever active in causes involving the Irish Republican Army, their political wing Sinn Fein, or the Northern Ireland Protestants opposing them. Her politics is strictly American leftism.

There is also no evidence that she has ever taken a position on the Israeli versus Palestinian conflict, until now. She just recently had her child dressed up as a homicide bomber. I thought she was against guns. No matter. The dots are now connected. She has Northern Ireland in her blood, she dressed up her kid as a homicide bomber, and this week, bombs went off in London, England, and Glasgow, Scotland. Somebody needs to get Scotland Yard on the telephone immediately. She should be jailed, tried, and convicted. How dare she try to blow up Scotland!

Now some may consider this evidence to be flimsy. So what? Evidence, schmevidence. This brings us to Scooter Libby. In a world where Bill Clinton and Sandy Berger run free, Scooter almost went to prison. First of all, the fact that his nickname was a character on the Muppet Show is an old and tired joke. Secondly, the guy got Nifonged. For those of you who do not know, being Nifonged means being accused of crimes for being caucasian, wealthy, and not politically correct. It is how William “90,000 in the freezer” Jefferson avoids receiving a jail sentence (as of now), but Scooter Libby does not.

We might as well just take every republican and throw them in jail for existing.  Thankfully, President Bush commuted his sentence. While I generally support Dubya, my one continuing objection to him is his overwhelming graciousness with political enemies that are not fit to lick his boots.

Stop being so polite Mr. President. Hold a press conference, and drop a couple F-bombs like Vice President Cheney did. Here is what I would say.

“I commuted Scooter Libby’s sentence. I did so because I can. For those who criticize this decision, I am the President and you’re not. Deal with it. My predecessor pardoned people for sport and for contributions to his stained library. I did it because it was the right thing to do. This may anger the Jayson Blair Times, but then again, water is wet. Get over it.”

The pardoning of Scooter Libby is also a brilliant political move. The Clintons will not dare make it a campaign issue (Let them try mentioning Rudy Giuliani, John McCain or Fred Thompson’s issues with the ladies). It is not possible to get everyone to like you, but it is possible to make everyone hate you. Bush’s critics will always hate him, but lately his base has been demoralized. This will help, and will be long forgotten about come 2008. No one will care about Scooter Libby. What they will care about is Iraq, and the War on Terror.

Before I elaborate on that, the politically irrelevant fact of the week is that it appears that Hillary Clinton is putting on some weight. This does not bother me. I have put on weight. Maybe my vision is bad, but it seems she is getting thick in the backside. I believe Dave Chapelle calls that a “badonkadonk.” I am not saying Hillary is anywhere near approaching Monique from “Showtime at the Apollo (who I seem to have an unhealthy fascination with),” but Hillary is getting some chunk in the trunk.

This could be an issue because Americans have a certain image of a President. We do not want them fat or bald (what does this mean for Rudy and Fred?) Also, we do not want them to be a smoker, which seems to be the only weakness for the otherwise platinum image of Barack Obama.

By the way, for those of you who do not know, Barack Obama is partially black. He is also handsome, and looks good in a swimsuit. Heck, sign me up!

The delicious irony of Obama vs Hillary is that Hillary runs well among blacks because of Bill Clinton, while Obama runs well among guilty white liberals who want to vote for someone black so they can feel good about themselves. They are the “good” kind of whites, not the bad kind who become republicans. So why not support Condoleeza Rice or Colin Powell? Because they are not “authentically” black, meaning they are not liberal.

Folks, Barack Obama is barely blacker than I am, and I am pasty white. The only person less black than Obama is Tiger Woods. I could care less if Obama is purple, turquoise or orange (actually I dislike the color orange for some reason), but voting for a man because of the color of his skin is…well…racist. I have nothing against Obama. His speech at the 2004 convention was one of the best speeches I have ever heard. However, his supporters have put him on a pedestal, based on what he will do, not what he has already done. He will never live up to the ideal his supporters have created, which is unfair to him.

So with Rosie O’Donnell trying to blow up airports, the President keeping Scooter out of the Pokey, and Pokey’s friend Gumby having nothing to do with this column, we need to get back to what is really important in life, that being the War on Terror.

On more than one occasion I have said that Iran and Syria need to be turned into 50,000 hole golf courses. The Damascus Open starring Tiger (Woods, not me), Fuzzy (Zoeller, not Thurston), Hootie (Johnson, not Blowfish) and the rest of the hee haw crowd that plays that boring game. Then after the golf course is built, we need to blow it up again. Why? Because I hate golf.

Mr. Malamud is rolling over in his grave at this attempt. Ok, no more disjointed columns. From now on only one world event is allowed to happen at a time.

Oh, and Golf was invented in Scotland. There we go. A nice little bow.

eric

One of the great aspects of writing an opinion column is that opinions do not have to be verified, fact checked, or corroborated. This explains why the Jayson Blair Times still exists, albeit barely. However, unlike the Jayson Blair Times, I prefer to let facts creep into my columns. Perhaps it has something to do with integrity. Also, since I do not have shareholders, or payroll, or overhead expenses, I can be free to express my opinions without fear of being submarined.

When looking for statistics, I find it best to deal with those that spend their whole lives dealing with the minutiae of analyzing numbers. While the Wall Street Journal and Investors Business Daily do discuss politics, their primary focus is economics, especially stock prices. Accuracy centers around metrics and mathematics. Connecting the dots does not require knowledge of calculus, or even algebra. It only applies the area of math that many choose to ignore…logic. This is what separates serious economic and statistical analysis from “economists,” like the Jayson Blair Times’s Paul Krugman, whose economic expertise seems to rely on Bush Derangement Syndrome. In 2009, the model will be tilted ever so slightly to despise the next republican president.

Here are some cold, hard statistics as reported by Investors Business Daily. I expect liberals to either ignore these facts, say they do not matter, or claim that the source is not valid, since it did not come from the Jayson Blair Times. Finer. Let them ignore the numbers. Reasonable people can decipher them for themselves.

Monthly U.S. death tolls in various wars:

World War II–6,639…Korea–900+…Vietnam–526…Iraq since 2003–70.

2007 Monthly Iraq death tolls: Terrorists–650…U.S.–37 through May. For every U.S. death, 18 terrorists are killed.

Iraqi death tolls: 2 million under Saddam, or 6,944 per month, almost all of which were his doing….60,000 Iraqi civilians during the current Iraq conflict, or 1,200 per month, most of which are the fault of Al Queda, not the U.S.

The number of positive stories about the Iraq war from the Jayson Blair Times, it’s ugly kid sister the Washington Post, and it’s illegitimate cousins CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC, PBS, National Palestinian Radio: More than Al Jazeera. However, Al Jazeera has a higher percentage of positive stories about it’s own side, that being Al Queda and all others trying to destroy the Great Satan American and Little Satan Israel.

I trust the Investors Business Daily Numbers, especially since they and the Wall Street Journal do not have to issue mealy mouthed corrections on a daily basis.  Apparently they value their integrity like I value mine, and actually prefer producing a quality product worth reading. If anybody thinks ideology alone can carry a badly written factually incorrect paper to literary greatness, enjoy watching the Jayson Blair Times approaching a smug induced mushroom cloud of chapter 11 bankruptcy.

The numbers are there. I thank Investors Business Daily for reminding us again that we are winning the War on Terror overwhelmingly by every metric that matters. The troops do not care about public relations, and neither do I. They will do their jobs, and I support them, as well as their mission.

Let the liberals wail and cringe and complain. Let them say the war is lost, even though General David Petraeus and our troops say otherwise. If the left had integrity, they would say they are against the war because they either are against all war, or at least all war led by a republican. However, the left should be disgusted when they look in the mirror knowing they have to lie to themselves every day about what is actually going on.

Lastly, I hope republicans absorb these numbers, and do what makes the soldiers fighting this war so great…the republicans need to grow a pair….and fast.

We are winning the War on Terror, and despite the best efforts of liberals to say that up means down, and good means bad (perhaps they are Michael Jackson fans, and we all know what his reputation has become), the numbers have been crunched. The facts have spoken. Thank you Investors Business Daily. The soldiers do great work, and you do a great job reporting it properly.

eric

With all the serious events going on in this world, sometimes it is necessary to just step back and think about all those other things that only people with too much free time on their hands think about.

My friends and I have debated the issue back and forth, and still there is only theory. So I will ask the world what they think, and offer my own opinions. Is C3PO a homosexual?

I maintain that he is gay, but one of my friends maintains that he is just British. Even by British standards, C3PO is too British. Another friend maintains that robots cannot be gay, but robots everywhere from the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz to Deep Blue, the machine that defeated Gary Kasparov in chess, have developed human characteristics. Therefore, it is fair to argue that 10% of robots are homosexual.

I never found R2D2 to be gay. In fact, I always suspected R2D2 was a republican. He kept his mouth shut, and minded his own business. C3PO was a liberal busybody. Yet something did not sit right. Republicans usually make sense, and R2D2 was incoherent. On the other hand, boxing promoter Don King makes even less sense, and he is a republican. So if R2D2 is just a liberal speaking in tongues no normal person can understand, then perhaps C3PO is the republican, since he is always preaching responsibility.

C3PO does not dress well enough to be a metrosexual, so between his prissiness and his preaching responsibility, C3PO is most likely a Log Cabin Republican.

The guys and I are considering this compromise analysis, but we are worlds apart on how to evaluate Fraggle Rock. For those of you who grew up in the 1980s, let me allow you to have the following theme song stuck in your head.

“Dance your cares away…worries for another day…let the music play…down in Fraggle Rock…down in Fraggle Rock.”

I always thought that the Fraggles were liberals. They frolicked around, lived irresponsible lives, and contributed nothing useful to society. The Doozers were the conservative republicans. They worked hard, played by the rules, and were often bullied by the Fraggles for having the nerve to be productive.

Yet the reasons my friends are so brilliant is because they crystallize things in a way I sometimes do not see. The Doozers were the democrats. Sure, they worked, but they were always pessimistic. Their work was hard, but meaningless. They were the lower class, miserable about their lot in life, forever destined to be Doozers. They had nothing to dream about. The Fraggles were care free, and optimistic. They saw a happy world, filled with promise. They just wanted the Doozers do lighten up and chill out, and have fun for once in their miserable lives.

Some would argue that the Doozers were illegal aliens, doing the grunt work that Fraggles refused to do. However, the Doozers never snuck into Fraggle territory. If anything, the Fraggles were the ones that did not respect boundaries.

The one character that forever provides confusion is the green Fraggle, Wembley. Wembley was not gay, despite being named after a British stadium. One episode had the indecisive Wembley meeting a very decisive character known as “Convincing John.” Some would see the wishy washy Wembley perhaps as John Kerry, with Convincing John the decider being George W. Bush. However, in the end, Convincing John’s inability to see that he might be wrong leads him down the wrong path, and Wembley’s careful deliberations make him stronger. Therefore, Wembley is the American People, making the difficult but right decisions. Convincing John is so positive he is right that when he is proven wrong, he cannot admit it. Therefore, he is the media, most likely the Jayson Blair Times.

We live in a world with Islamofacism, where large segments of people are trying to murder others just for existing. There is plenty of time to deal with this sad reality. In the mean time, there are other issues to deal with. They are less serious, but without discussing them, water coolers will be lonely places during the week.

So as my friends get ready to go hang out, one lingering question still remains. Could C3PO take Wembley in a fistfight? A robot versus a Fraggle. Like many burning issues of my generation, I have no answers.

eric