THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

I will not be covering the insignificant human beings attending the left-wing hate rally in DC disguised as comedy. Giving them attention would just embolden them.

Besides, this is a fun weekend. Before getting to football, it is time to get orange and black.

To all the Jewish people and supporters of the Jews, I wish you all a happy Hal Levine.

May the goodies get treats, the baddies get tricks, and the neutral get…well, something neutral.

I am declaring Hal Levine a day early, because tomorrow is the holy day of the National Football League.

The Pagan version of this holiday is Halloween.

Either way, it is normally a day for hobgoblins and ghosties and other scary stuff.

This year Halloween will be dedicated to other potentially scary creatures. I am talking about pimps, players, mack daddies, daddy macks, hotties, hootchies, hos, and doofuses.

I am not even going to pretend to understand what I just said.

For clarification, I visited the hysterically funny and brilliantly wicked Great Satan’s Girlfriend.

http://greatsatansgirlfriend.blogspot.com/

Great Satan’s Girlfriend is a woman barely 19 or 20 years old. She was 11 on 9/11, and noticed Palesimians sharing Laffy Taffy as Americans burned. At that moment she developed what she calls “Palestinian Sympathy Fatigue.” She is a hardcore Neocon, and an exceptionally bright one at that. Her column “Green Eggs and Hamas” is a must read.

Yet today is not about politics. She is also a master of street cred. She rolls large, although I am not sure what that means either. On her Facebook page she has a section of photos dedicated to “Pimps, Players, Hos, Hotties, Hootchies, and Doofuses.”

I know what a doofus is. It is not the same as a goofus or a dorkus, according to my swash-buckling, black-clad (perhaps for Halloween) alter ego “El Dorko.”

Yet I had no idea what the rest of it was. What is the difference between a pimp, a player, and a mack daddy?

Great Satan’s girlfriend educated me. I decided not to translate from the original gangsta slang, so read carefully to try and grasp her.

“Quick def – players are guys that meet girls and get phone numbers all the time.

Pimps are guys who get girls to do their bidding – errands, money lender, chauffeur etc – they use girls (not in a sexyful way all the time – but exploit them).

Mac daddies are guys that always Make A Connection with girls – a specialty player if you will.

My street creds ain’t all that – just hanging at the mall and Barnes and Nobles alla time.”

I am tempted to respond with “You dig! Holla!” I have no idea if that applies here, so I won’t.

I still did not know the difference between a Mack Daddy and a Daddy Mac. I know a Big Mac comes from McDonalds, so I suspect a Big Daddy Mack is cool enough to get extra ketchup packets without even asking.

Again, Great Satan’s girlfriend ‘splained it. I guess that is like explaining it.

“A daddy mac is a baby’s daddy that sleeps around or is actively on the prowl.

A mac daddy is good at collecting cell numbers and making a connection. Derived from the French and later Louisiana Creole patois term ‘maqereau’, which means ‘pimp.’ Adding ‘daddy’ makes it mean ‘top pimp’.”

This was followed by even more invaluable advice.

“Check the urban dictionary. Link it in your faves, it helps!”

Who could possibly disagree with that advice? I would need an interpreter first.

Anyway, for all you pimps, players, mack daddies, daddy macks, hos, hootchies, hotties, and doofuses, I wish you a Happy Hal Levine.

eric

For those wishing to get back to the world of sanity, let’s get down to football.

Washington Redskins @ Detroit Lions

(Lions by 1, Redskins win outright)

Green Bay Packers @ New York Jets

(Jets by 6, they win but fail to cover)

Carolina Panthers @St. Louis Rams

(Rams by 3, they cover)

Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals

(Bengals by 2.5 Dolphins win outright)

Buffalo Bills @ Kansas City Chiefs

(Chiefs by 7.5, they win but fail to cover)

Tennessee Titans @ San Diego Chargers

(Chargers by 4, they win but fail to cover)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Arizona Cardinals

(Cardinals by 3, they cover)

Seattle Seahawks @ Oakland Raiders

(Raiders by 1.5, they cover)

Minnesota Vikings @ New England Patriots

(Patriots by 5, they win but fail to cover)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ New Orleans Saints

(Pick, Saints win)

Denver Broncos @ San Francisco 49ers

(Pick, Broncos win)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Dallas Cowboys

(Pick, Cowboys win)

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts

(Colts by 5, they win but fail to cover)

eric

Before getting to football, today is a day for me to bask in all my glory.

I am on the verge of having my 1000th Facebook Friends.

I think I speak for all of mankind when I say that nobody cares.

For those of you who do care, heaven help you.

Yet to celebrate this absolutely useless milestone metric, I will be celebrating that person, whoever they are.

I resisted using Facebook. I think social media has turned us into the nation of Narcissista. Yet I found a use for Facebook.

I have a blog and three books. Using Facebook allows me to promote my blog and my books.

I am not on here to play Farmville or Mafia Wars. I have never poked anybody and have no desire to be poked.

I have friends in real life. I have always said that there is no need to contact me on the computer if you have my phone number, and there is no need to talk on the phone if you have my address. My friends come over to watch football. We talk football and politics. Yet to go online and just talk sports with strangers seems a bit of a waste of my time.

Sure, I could reach out to people I have not spoken to in ages. What inevitably happens is we catch up, and then have nothing to talk about. These are good people, but the reason why we have our friends is because those are the people we have a sufficient bond with to continue the relationship.

Some people “de-friended” me. Ok. I guess that deserves a shrug seeing as I did not immediately notice.

I have refused many friend request, mostly from politicians simply looking to rack up friends.

Racking up Facebook friends takes us back to our days of youth, when we bragged over which dad could beat up which other dad, and who had more cars, more money, more sex, or larger (redacted). Now we see who has the most friends, or in Facebook translation, people we barely know who barely know us.

I contact people for business purposes. I do not want to get invitations to events in Libya or anywhere else where I know nobody.

Even worse than Facebook is Twitter. Celebrity tweets are coming from celebrity twits. Nobody cares who went to the mall, what restaurant at the food court they ate at, what they ordered, or any other minutiae of their mundane lives.

I have a Twitter account. When I post my column on Facebook, it automatically exports to Twitter. Once a day, people can read my column. Regarding what else I do from when I wake up to when I sleep at night is so colossally boring that people tracking me will keel over from narcolepsy.

Yet we live in a society that celebrates metrics. We like round numbers. So as I approach my 1000th Facebook friend, I am prepared to honor them.

I am also not sure what causes volatility, since the other day I had 997. Then it dropped to 996. Then it was back at 997. Now it is at 998. This was all without me sending a single friend request or accepting one from somebody else. If others understand it, bully for them.

My prediction is that reaching 1000 will take time for several reasons. I refuse friend requests from people who just collect friends as a hobby. I also send very few friend requests myself.

Most importantly, this column will probably remind people that they have been meaning to delete me for quite some time, and I helped remind them. Maybe I can make a game of it and see how many friends I can lose with one badly written column.

(Then again, if that was the standard, I would have had zero friends with each passing column.)

At some point I will reach 1000. That person will be celebrated. I will dedicate an entire Saturday column to them and give them the internet equivalent of winning a prize. It will be just like a prize, only with zero actual value.

So whoever you are out there, feel free to be my 1000th Facebook friend. I will make you infamous.

Better yet, rather than do that, just become a fan on Facebook of the TYGRRRR EXPRESS. That is my fan page, and that one does matter.

Then read my blog every day and buy my books.

At some point I will publicly apologize for this column. If it is in my next book, I will apologize for the entire book.

My 1000th friend…who will it be?

The excitement is building to a fever pitch…for somebody, somewhere.

eric

Philadelphia Eagles at Tennessee Titans

(Titans by 3, they cover)

Buffalo Bills at Baltimore Ravens

(Ravens by 13.5, they win but fail to cover)

Washington Redskins at Chicago Bears

(Bears by 3, Redskins win outright)

Pittsburgh Steelers at Miami Dolphins

(Steelers by 3, Dolphins win outright)

St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Buccaneers by 3, they cover)

Cincinnati Bengals at Atlanta Falcons

(Falcons by 3.5, they win but fail to cover)

San Francisco 49ers at Carolina Panthers

(49ers by 3, Panthers win outright)

Jacksonville Jaguars at Kansas City Chiefs

(Chiefs by 1, they cover)

Cleveland Browns at New Orleans Saints

(Saints by 13, they win but fail to cover)

Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks

(Seahawks by 5.5, they win but fail to cover)

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos

(Broncos by 8.5, they win but fail to cover)

New England Patriots at San Diego Chargers

(Patriots by 2.5, they cover)

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-3)

(Packers by 3, Vikings win outright)

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-3)

(Cowboys by 3, they cover)

eric

A couple quick housekeeping notes. At 1pm today I am speaking near Oakland at the Alameda Fair Grounds at the Pleasanton Golden State Take Back America Rally. The crowd is expected to be in the thousands. I speak a little after 1pm. Then I hop on a plane to Orange County, where at 8pm I am speaking at the Young Americans for Freedom 50th Anniversary West Coast Gala.

http://www.pleasantonteaparty.com/

http://www.yaf.com/

Now on to the main event.

Before getting to football, I would be remiss if I did not get to a story I have been meaning to mention for several weeks now before real life intervened.

A few weeks back was the 20th anniversary of “Quick Change.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quick_change

Long before Saturday Night Live gave us movies of heroism ranging from “Old School” to “Happy Gilmore” to “Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo,” there were the “Not Ready For Prime Time Players.”

The greatest of those heroes was Bill Murray.

When Michael Jordan retired from basketball, having accomplished everything, to play baseball, Bill Murray held his own press conference. He announced his retirement from comedy, having accomplished everything, to play professional basketball.

He did help Michael Jordan with the winning basket in “Space Jam,” but a knee injury prevented him from helping repeat as champions.

How could a man who gave us Caddyshack and Stripes possibly top himself?

Some people just get better with age. 1991 brought us “What about Bob?” Yet as good as that was, his finest comedy was Quick Change.

The premise is simple. He dresses up as a clown to rob a bank. He then tries to sneak out of the bank by pretending to be one of his own hostages.

His sole reason for robbing the bank is to finance his escape from New York City. He hates New York, and wants money to just live somewhere else, anywhere else.

As things go wrong, he looks at the New York sky, people, and surroundings, and says, “God, I hate this town.”

The first 20 minutes of Quick Change are Bill Murray one-liners in rapid fire succession.

Security Guard: What the hell kind of clown are you?

BM: The crying on the inside kind I guess.

Hostage negotiator: I’ll give you what you want as soon as you give me the d@mn hostages.

BM: I’m sure no harm will come to me when I’m all alone in the bank by myself.

Hostage negotiator: At least give me the women.

BM: Get your own women!

Geena Davis: I can’t believe you did this.

Randy Quaid: It was an accident.

Geena Davis: So was Chernobyl.

BM: True, but Loomis (Quaid) didn’t eradiate anybody.

Bank President: There is no way out my friend.

BM: Tell the hostage negotiator that in 15 minutes I am going to send your thumb through the night depository. Oh, and thank you for calling me friend.

Hostage: We’re all gonna die.

BM: Button it up pal, nobody likes a whiner.

Hostage: Let me go first. This is my watch, my gift to you. It is a 12,000 dollar Rolex but it keeps appreciating every day.

BM: Let me trade you. This is my watch, a Timex with the Twistiflex by Spidell. I appreciate this d@mn thing more and more every day.

Flight Attendant: Do you think you’re late enough?

BM: Oh, you must be from around here.

Hostage negotiator: Enough of your comedy clown, I’m coming in after you.

BM: Ok, I have to hang up now. I have to go kill everybody.

Hostage negotiator: I’ve had it up to here with your comedy, clown.

BM: I was in Nam with a jerk like you.

Jason Robards plays the exasperated hostage negotiator and police chief. Tony Shalhoub is hilarious as a foreign cab drive who keeps babbling about a “blufftooney.” The late Phil Hartman has a riotous cameo. A temperamental cab driver keeps sniping at people who do not have exact change or stay behind the white line, leading Bill Murray to say, “You better get some help pal. You’re becoming Ralph Kramden’s evil twin.”

Quick Change is one of the all time funny comedies of the last 20 years.

Bill Murray went on to more serious roles, but to me he will always be “Grimm” from Quick Change.

This movie should be mandatory viewing for all college students, and more importantly, to every New Yorker who has either escaped New York for a better quality of life (me!) or stayed in New York and bragged about their toughness while privately admitting the hopelessness of life there.

(This movie was made while David Dinkins was Mayor, but even Rudy Giuliani could not make the snow disappear in the winter, the construction jobs finish on time, or the cab drivers drive safely and speak in a  comprehensible manner.)

Thank you Bill Murray. You are a comic hero for the ages.

eric

San Diego Chargers @ St. Louis Rams

(Chargers by 8, they cover)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Houston Texans

(Texans by 4.5, they cover)

Baltimore Ravens @ New England Patriots

(Patriots by 2.5, Ravens win outright)

New Orleans Saints @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Saints by 4, they win but fail to cover)

Atlanta Falcons @ Philadelphia Eagles

(Eagles by 2.5, they cover)

Detroit Lions @ New York Giants

(Giants by 10, they win but fail to cover)

Seattle Seahawks @ Chicago Bears

(Bears by 6.5, they cover)

Miami Dolphins @ Green Bay Packers

(Packers by 3.5, they cover)

Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers

(Steelers by 13.5, they win but fail to cover)

New York Jets @ Denver Broncos

(Jets by 3, Broncos win outright)

Oakland Raiders @ San Francisco 49ers

(49ers by 6.5, they win but fail to cover)

Dallas Cowboys @ Minnesota Vikings

(Vikings by 1.5, they cover)

Indianapolis Colts @ Washington Redskins is the Sunday night game.

(Colts by 3, they cover)

Tennessee Titans @ Jacksonville Jaguars is the Monday night game.

(Titans by 3, they cover)

eric

On September 24th, 2010, at 7pm Texas time, I prepared to try and win the battle of Man vs Food.

I have only seen the television show once. The star of the show took on the Four Horseman Ghost Chili Pepper Burger.

From Chunky’s Burger joint in San Antonio, I took on what only 3500 people have ever tried and 200 people have ever conquered.

http://askville.amazon.com/Chunky-Burger-Restaurant-serves-Ghost-Chili-located-city-state/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=56966535

I saw the wall of honor.

I also tried their “Frings,” a combination of fries and onion rings.

Another fellow in the restaurant was taking on the real challenge.

A regular jalapeno has 8 units of spice. The ghost pepper chile has one million units of spice.

It is beef covered in death.

I have eaten a piece of food per inning for all 9 innings of a baseball game.

I have ridden a mechanical bull and impressed the house.

I would sooner try to eat a live cow with horns than try this burger again.

This burger is not allowed to be taken to go. There are liability issues.

I had to sign a waiver saying I understood the risks before I could be served.

They keep buckets nearby for people who need to get sick.

The rules of the challenge itself are several. The burger must be consumed in 25 minutes or less. No bathroom breaks are allowed. If I get sick and cannot keep the burger down I am disqualified. 5 minutes after I am finished I am allowed to drink a beverage. Milk is recommended. There is a Dairy Queen across the street for those needing more.

The recommend you wear plastic rubber gloves when eating the burger to avoid rubbing your eyes and going blind.

(I thought rubbing something else repeatedly made you blind, but that is for a different time.)

Nevertheless, at 7pm I went to work.

In my head I heard “Eye of the Tiger.” I was ready.

I lasted 4 bites.

I downed some milk as fast as I could, took the bucket outside, got on one knee…prayed…

and stayed strong. The first shock wave is the toughest.

I may have failed the challenge, but that bucket remained empty.

I tried to finish the burger. Yet after 25 minutes I began chanting what our current president is hearing from the American people.

No we can’t! No we can’t! No we can’t!

I was told that I will feel the aftereffects for 8 hours, maybe more.

I drank one and one half glasses of milk. I ate half the burger.

The challenge was one, but by a better man than me.

His name is Rudy Falcon.

He was on the other side of the restaurant. It is on videotape. He felt like death afterward, but he did it.

I went up to him and shook his hand vigorously.

I announced to the room, “I am a girl. This (Rudy Falcon) is a man!” I held his arm up in solidarity.

Life is about life experiences. I do not have a bucket list because this burger might have caused me to kick the bucket had I finished it, or at least gotten sick in it.

I feel no shame. I gave it my very best. Yet at 7:30pm I took a paper towel, waved it for everyone to see, and tossed it on the floor.

Deep Blue defeated Gary Kasparov at chess. There is precedence for even the best men losing to inanimate objects.

I wanted to be John Henry moving the rock 15 feet while the steam drill drove just 9. Yet he drove so hard that he broke his heart, and laid down is hammer and he died.

I was still alive. I was still in the game, able to try and fight this burger another day, which I will not do.

Joe Frazier only lasted 14 rounds against Muhammad Ali in the Thrilla in Manila. He could not answer the bell for the 15th round. That fight led to boxing being reduced to 12 rounds. I was more like Roberto Duran yelling “No Mas!”

To Rudy Falcon, you sir are in my food hall of fame. Given that I have not started the list yet, you are the only inductee. Actually, we will start with two inductees. Respect requires Joey Chestnut go first, then Rudy Falcon. Rudy could take down Kobayashi. Maybe Rudy was the guy that the Notre Dame movie was based on.

I did manage to eat the fries and the onion rings, which I am told counts for nothing. So much for the Fring of Honor.

Actually, since nobody else thought of it, I am declaring myself the first inductee into the Fring of Honor for downing one half of a half order of frings.

Chunky’s Burger place has t-shirts in many colors. Given my girly-girl status, I went with pink.

I then said a prayer to God, all the while realizing that on Friday night a good Jewish boy should be praying in Synagogue, not eating a non-kosher burger.

Then again if God did not want me to eat this thing, why would he have invented Pepto Bismol?

(My years on Wall Street involved doses of the pink stuff. Traders kept it on their desks.)

At about 7:45pm my lips were no longer burning. Yet my stomach was, and a long night that will never be described publicly awaited or repeated awaited me.

I fought the food, and the food won. I only hope it was a singular defeat and not a repeated one.

At 8pm the waitress officially took the other half of the burger from me, seeing as bringing it home was akin to culinary hara kiri.

It was then time to go back to the house I was staying at.

Flying down the highway (as quick as possible to go lay down) headed West…

In a streak of black lightning (and red skin) called the Tygrrrr Express

On to the next adventure.

eric

San Francisco 49ers  @ Kansas City Chiefs

(49ers by +1.5, Chiefs win outright)

Buffalo Bills @ New England Patriots

(Patriots by 12.5, they cover)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Steelers by 2.5, they cover)

Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints

(Saints by 4.5, they win but fail to cover)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Carolina Panthers

(Bengals by 3.5, Panthers win outright)

Tennessee Titans @ NY Giants

(Giants by 3.5, they win but fail to cover)

Dallas Cowboys @ Houston Texans

(Texans by 2.5, Cowboys win outright)

Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings

(Vikings by 10.5, they cover)

Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens

(Ravens by 10.5, they win but fail to cover)

Washington Redskins @ St. Louis Rams

(Redskins by 3.5, Rams win outright)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Jacksonville Jaguars

(Eagles by 2.5, they cover)

Oakland Raiders @ Arizona Cardinals

(Cardinals by 4.5, they win but fail to cover)

Indianapolis Colts @ Denver Broncos

(Colts by 5.5, they win but fail to cover)

San Diego Chargers @ Seattle Seahawks

(Chargers by 5.5, Seahawks win outright)

NY Jets @ Miami Dolphins

(Dolphins by 1.5, they cover)

Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears

(Packers by 2.5, they cover)

eric

Today is Rosh Hashanah. I will be in Temple in New York.

I am under no illusions that I fall way short on so many levels. I also know that even the tiniest sliver of decency is better than zero.

Anyway, this column is pre-written.

I wrote these words a few days ago. I decided to write them again because the dilemma between religion and sports will never go away. I will make my decision at the 11th hour.

http://www.rjchq.org/Blog/blogdetail.aspx?id=bf976ea1-a6ba-462e-a7b1-bb460639dc93

Next week is Yom Kippur, where I apologize and try to do better. I hope I do not have to add to the list before then.

A peaceful Rosh Hashanah to the Jews of the world.

I am hoping Brett Favre has a great game tonight, and the Vikings beat the Saints.

(Saints favored by 5.5. They win but fail to cover.)

Of course, good Jewish boys will be in Temple and not watching the game.

eric