THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

First, a quick housekeeping note. On Tuesday, July 22nd, at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood, Los Angeles, at 8pm, Evan Sayet will be doing a night of politically conservative comedy. I am one of his opening acts. For the love of all things holy, show up en masse.

I will skip the recap of my coed touch football game since we got thrashed 36-10. I hope to redeem myself playing kickball today. Yet sandwiched between those two events was a trip to the movies to see the new Batman movie, The Dark knight.

It will take two columns to cover this movie, and I recommend that people watch the movie twice. The first time, watch it as a movie, and only as a movie. Enjoy it as entertainment. Then watch it a second time, in a political context. Make no mistake about it. This movie is very political.

Tomorrow’s column will deal with the politics of this movie. Today I will just deal with the movie itself.

In a word, it is phenomenal. I have seen all 6 Batman movies. This movie by far is the best of the bunch. None of the others even comes close. This movie is that good.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/18/batman.irpt/index.html

I am a purist when it comes to Batman. I want any production of anything connected to this series to be truthful to the original comic book characters. I personally do not read comic books, and as a child, never did. Nevertheless, I am aware of what the characters are supposed to be.

The very worst portrayal of Batman (the entire production, not the lead role itself) came in the form of the television show from the 1960s. While Cesar Romero and Burgess Meredith are outstanding actors with distinguished careers, the series never captured the true characters. Adam West and Burt Ward were fun, and Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt were as well. Yet fun does not and should not be confused for accuracy.

In all fairness to the series, it never claimed to be anything other than what it was: a campy television show.

“Campy” is the word used to describe the show. In a vacuum, the show was comical and inoffensive. Yet it was never a true reflection of what Batman was all about.

The very best portrayal of Batman came in the form of “Batman: The Animated Series.”

The animated series is simply brilliant, bordering on flawless. Although it is a cartoon, it is not for children. In fact, as good as the cartoon itself was, the cartoon movie “Batman: Mask of the Phantasm,” was even better than that.

The contrasts between the television series in the 1960s and the animated series of the 1990s is as different as night and day.

What the series in the 1960s got wrong, the animated series…and the newest movie…got right.

First of all, the Joker on the original series was a thief who cackled. He stole stuff. He was a fraternity prankster that engaged in heists.

That is not the essence of the Joker. The Joker is not a thief. He is a homicidal lunatic. In fact, “lunatic” is not the right word. The Joker is not crazy. He is simply evil. In fact, he is a homicidal sadist.

What makes the Joker in the movie so fabulous is that there is no explanation for why he became this way. There is no sob story. There is no attempt to humanize him. The villain is not another societal victim.

Also, the Joker does not kill or destroy for money or power. He does it because he feels like it.
The destruction and mayhem and pain he inflicts is not the means to a greater end. It is the end itself. The reason this matters is because it is impossible to reason with somebody who cannot be bribed or bought, or even threatened. Try to kill him. He doesn’t care. He kills for sport.

As simple as the Joker is, Batman is supposed to be complex. He is not a smiling guy. He does not have a sense of humor. He is an individual that is tormented. His pain never heals.

(One thing the movie never deals with is the fact that the Joker murdered Bruce Wayne’s parents when Master Wayne was a boy. Leaving this out does not in any way diminish an outstanding movie)

Yet as compelling as Batman and the Joker are, the rest of the characters are brilliantly fleshed out. Commissioner Gordon is a true good guy. The descent of District Attorney Harvey Dent into the abyss that is Two-Face is perfect.

I again recommend that people watch the animated series to get a feel for what the heroes, villains, and anti-heroes are all about. Then watch this movie.

With the Joker, there is no explanation for how he became who he is, and why he does what he does, because that would weaken the character. With Harvey Two-Face, it is essential to understand every aspect of him. Why he acts the way he does is critical to his storyline.

This movie deserves an Oscar nomination. As for the actors, some people wanted to give an Oscar nomination to Heath Ledger, who plays the Joker. For the sake of an honest viewing, do not go into the movie with sympathy for the tragic death of Heath Ledger. I say this only because had this young man lived to see opening night, the audience would have still rewarded him with loud ovations. His death was tragic, but his performance itself stands alone as worthy of a nod from the academy.

Not counting best picture, I would give at least four, and perhaps six, Oscar nominations.

If I could give only one Oscar nomination, it would go to Aaron Eckhart. His performance as Harvey Dent and Two-Face were masterful.

Gary Oldman, who plays Commissioner Gordon, absolutely deserves a nomination.

Christian Bale is by far the best of those that played Batman. With all due respect to Jack Nicholson, who was very good, Heath Ledger was better. Both Bale and Ledger deserve Oscars.

Although they had limited roles, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine should be given consideration. Morgan Freeman plays the tech genius who works at Wayne Enterprises. Late in the movie, he has what I consider to be one of the most important scenes in the movie. It has political overtones that will reverberate in the form of debate water coolers for years to come. As for Michael Caine, his Alfred the Butler is one who is understated, speaking the soft, infrequent…but meaningful…words.

This movie touches on civil liberties, and is absolutely a metaphor for the War on Terror. In fact, the Joker is more than just a villain or criminal. He is a terrorist.

This is important because the “good guys” are not always on the same page. Some want to preserve civil liberties at all costs. Others want to catch the bad guys regardless of the societal consequences. In between representing the shades of gray are some of the other characters. Rather than state who is at what point on the spectrum, although it might be obvious, it is best to let viewers watch for themselves.

The parallels for who each character might represent can be saved for another day. Actually, that day is tomorrow.

For today, it is merely a cinematic masterpiece.

One of the goals of the original Batman movie with Michael Keaton was to create an environment that was “dark, but positive.”

This movie is dark. The positive is there, but one has to dig down deep to find it.

As for the movie itself, one does not have to dig deep to find what is positive. From beginning to end, “Batman: The Dark Knight,” is spectacular.

Watch it twice.

eric

I LOVE ME SOME ME!

That over the top statement is brought to you courtesy of NFL Wide Receiver Terrell Owens. Yet this column is not about him. It is about me.

Before getting into my newest live public appearance, below are some of my appearances on Political Vindication Radio with Frank and Shane.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/politicalvindication/2008/01/23/Political-Vindication-Radio

This is a 2 hour program, and I make my first comments at the 70 minute mark.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/politicalvindication/2008/06/04/Political-Vindication-Radio

This is a 2 hour program, and I make my first comments at the 68 minute mark.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/politicalvindication/2007/12/28/Political-Vindication-Radio

In this program, I make my first comments at the 18 minute mark.

Starting this Wednesday, on a weekly basis, I will be hosting an internet radio show on Blog Talk Radio. Every Wednesday from 7:30pm-9:30pm PST, 10:30pm-12:30am EST, I will be hosting a program under the heading of TheGGRNetwork.

TheGGRNetwork. Be there! Call in if you dare.

For those who have never heard the “Hollywood Opera,” I regret that I cannot remember who I stole it from. It goes like this.

“Me me me me me me meeeeeee…

Tell me what you think of meeeeeeeee…

Let’s talk some more about meeeeeeee…

Me me me me me me meeeeeeee…”

I do love a good opera. Actually, no I don’t. I love the good will that comes from a woman after I let her drag me to one. The after party is a great suicide prevention program.

As for my next appearance, it will be in Hollywood on Tuesday, July 22nd, at 8pm. My friend, Conservative Satirist Evan Sayet, will be performing the next in his “Right to Laugh” series, with the emphasis on right. I will be opening for him. He gets more time to speak, but I have much better hair. He says he has more sex than me, since there are an odd number of people in the room including him.. Then again, 1 or 3 was never specified.

Below are the details for a great night of conservative comedy, in the words of Evan Sayet.

Dear Friends,

I’ve put together my next Right to Laugh night of conservative comedy for Tuesday, July 22 at the world famous Laugh Factory on the Sunset Strip (8001, just East of Laurel). 323-656-1336. Show starts at eight pm, tickets are just twenty dollars ($30 for VIP seating). The show includes Al Sonja Schmidt and the great Jeff “Big Daddy” Wayne, as well as new rising star Eric of the Tygrrrr Express. The audience is always comprised of the most active and accomplished and often famous Republicans/conservatives in Southern California so come early to SCHMOOZE!

Also, since the audience is rather specific, word-of-mouth is ESSENTIAL to my efforts. Please make sure everyone you know who would enjoy/benefit from attending know about the event.

Let me know your thoughts. Meanwhile, here’s what folks are saying about me:

Raves for Evan:

“Evan Sayet explodes pernicious stereotypes with refreshing humor that is
simultaneously thought-provoking and hilarious…” — Michael Medved,
nationally syndicated radio talk show host.

“Evan Sayet is simply the best political comedian working in America
today” — David Horowitz, author of the NY Times best seller, “The
Professors — the 101 Most Dangerous Academics in America.”

“Evan Sayet is one of my favorite cultural commentators,” Tammy Bruce,

nationally syndicated radio talk show host and best selling author.

“At last I can delight in a show that is genuinely funny. My thanks to

Evan Sayet — Larry Elder, nationally syndicated radio talk show host.

“Evan is HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!” — Ann Coulter, author of “If Democrats Had Any
Brains They’d Be Republicans.”

Even the enemy can’t help but offer praise:

“(Evan Sayet’s) a funny guy…he had the crowd howling.” — Marc Cooper,
LA Weekly (Los Angeles’ Ultra-Liberal “alternative weekly”).

“Evan Sayet is always sharp, articulate, and obnoxiously successful at
putting forward his conservative talking points!” — Thom Hartmann, Air
America Radio talk show host

To avoid having to come up with an original review after a long night, I have decided to write the review in advance.

“Eric of the Tygrrrr Express combines the warlike toughness of Ghandi, the manliness of an angry NOW Convention, the grace and subtlety of a battering ram, and the sex appeal of himself on his best night. I love him almost as much as he does.”

–Evan Sayet after drugs were slipped into his drink.

“I agree wholeheartedly with Evan Sayet. Ditto.”

–Everybody else on Earth, opting to remain anonymous

Be there or be as ashamed as my parents were before realizing that true beauty and greatness takes time. Chernobyl, the Acropolis, and the Collapse of Rome did not happen overnight.

eric

Thank you again Mr. Reagan

This afternoon the Tygrrrr Express is Simi Valley bound for an afternoon of fun at the Ronald Reagan Library.

This is my third or fourth consecutive year of attending the Reagan Library. The Republican Jewish Coalition has their annual event there every July. A tour of the library is followed by a reception, dinner, and celebrating. Several notables will be speaking.

This year the event is special because the event is being held in the Air Force One Pavilion.

Below are some the Gipper’s best lines.

“Here is how the Cold War ends. We win. They lose.”

“Tonight is a very special night for me. Then again, at my age, every night is a special night.”

“I have told my cabinet that if there is an emergency, contact me immediately. Wake me up, even if I am sleeping in the middle of a cabinet meeting.”

“I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. Governor Clinton, you’re no Thomas Jefferson.”

“I start my day precisely at 8am. It was brought to my attention that I have a daily 7am briefing with my National Security Advisor. I let it be known that he will be waiting about an hour.”

“Mr. Gorbachev…Tear down this wall.”

Ronald Reagan’s best line could never have been scripted in a million years. At his toughest moment, his calmness reassured a nation. After getting shot, just as the doctors were about to perform life saving surgery on him, President Reagan uttered that one sentence.

“I hope you’re all republicans.”

The head doctor said, “Mr. President, right now we are all republicans.”

With the exception of my own grandparents, there is nobody that has commanded more reverence from me than Ronald Wilson Reagan. I have said more than once that Ronald Reagan should be placed on Mount Rushmore, minted into coins, and placed on page one of every economics book. Schoolchildren should send him thank you notes for preventing a nuclear war.

Ronald Reagan was a giant, and being at his library is inspiring. I can feel his presence, and hope that he and God are sharing jellybeans and anecdotes.

Below is my letter to him, originally posted on the third anniversary of his death. He lived until age 93, yet with all great ones, he left us too soon.

Thank you again Mr. Reagan

Dear President Reagan,

I wish you were still alive to see the world today that you left behind. It is not flawless, but it is better than you could have possibly imagined.

20 years ago you challenged Mr. Gorbachev to “Tear Down This Wall.” As you know, it came crashing down. Millions of Eastern Europeans are now free. You understood that Freedom is not an American value. It is not uniquely Western. It is a gift from God, and everyone worldwide is entitled to it.

Today there are a billion Muslims, mostly Arabs, living under captivity. Some people believe that these people hate America, and everything we stand for. No, they don’t. They want to be free. They want to come here, and live the American Dream. They want to be able to make their government stronger without the fear of being shot on sight. Most of all, they want a sense of hope and optimism. This seems to be in shorter supply since you exited the world stage.

Mr. Reagan, if only you could see the internet generation. The Russians were once seen as our enemies. People ducked under their desks in fear of nuclear war. Now Americans and Russians chat with each other on instant messenger. We send happy faces and jokes.

While young children worldwide play with each other online, adults are engaging in global commerce like never before. Ebay and other websites allow people to conduct business globally with the touch of a button. Best of all, despite the efforts of some know nothing politicians, internet commerce is currently not taxed.

The economy is strong. No, we have not defeated the business cycle, but President Bush brought back Reaganomics. You faced a recession and a bear market in stocks, but your supply side tax cuts helped fuel an economic expansion and a bull market that defied expectations. President Bush also started out with a recession and a vicious bear market, but thanks to aggressive tax cuts, the stock market is higher than ever, and the economy is clicking on all cylinders.

Things are not perfect Mr. Reagan. Although we made peace with the Russians, Islamofacism is spiraling out of control. However, there is hope on the horizon. You bombed Libya in 1986 when Khadafi Duck was going crazy. This briefly kept him in check. Would you believe that our current President has brought democracy to Afghanistan, and toppled Saddam Hussein in Iraq? On top of that, Khadafi Duck decided to move Libya towards normalcy. He did not decide to act normal due to 20 years of negotiations. He saw the handwriting on the wall, and realized that he enjoyed being alive.

Mr. Reagan, our current President George W. Bush is under siege. He is a good man, but he is not a good communicator. He is plainspoken, but not articulate. He has an opposition that hates him in ways that make your Presidency seem a love fest. Yet he remains undaunted, not because of so called stubbornness, but because he understands that visions do not get implemented overnight.

In 1987, there was talk of “Reagan fatigue.” People said you were losing your luster. The 1988 republican candidates were said to be part of a losing ticket. You were mired in a scandal about nothing, and some said your Presidency was exhausted. One year later, your Vice President won a decisive victory. Gracious to the end, you refused to criticize those who came after you, preferring to let them write their own histories. If only one of the men you defeated had your class and graciousness.

It’s amazing what 20 years can do. You are ranked among the all time greats, and every republican nominee wants to carry your mantle. I hope they understand this as some of them run in terror from President George W. Bush. It amazes me how they can claim your mantle, yet run from the man who has embraced it not just in words, but in deeds.

America is still that shining city on a hill. My grandparents came here with nothing, escaping the Nazis. They saved up enough to survive. Their children made it to the American middle class, and owned a home in a nice suburban neighborhood. I managed to get an MBA, and have advanced even further. The American Dream is not a cliche for the privileged few. It is the norm.

The two things that do seem to be missing today are civility…and humor. Not humor at the expense of other people, but self deprecating humor, a willingness to realize that while we are creatures of God, we are quite flawed. Your many quips are legendary, but the one that stays in my mind is how you reacted after you were shot. Looking up at the doctors, you said “I hope you’re all republicans.” Many people who wanted to dislike you simply were unable to do so.

The media were polite with you, but were not your friends. You simply talked over and around them to those who mattered…the American people. You treated people with dignity, and were as beloved by Wall Street bankers as Iowa corn farmers. Would you believe that another movie star actor is now the governor of California? In addition, yet another movie and television star became a senator from Tennessee, and is a legitimate Presidential contender. The reason people like him is because he is simply…well…likable.

As I said Mr. Reagan, there are plenty of problems in this world. Yet the one thing you brought to the table was optimism. This was not pie in the sky Pollyanna thinking. It was a true and unwavering belief in the human spirit, and the beauty of America. Would you believe that France, Germany and Canada all elected leaders that like America? Pro-American sentiment is spreading, despite attempts to prove otherwise.

People in Iraq voted in three separate democratic elections. It has been a bumpy ride, but isn’t all democracy fragile in the beginning? People are less patient than they used to be.

You were there to guide the nation when the Space Shuttle Challenger took seven lives from us. Your words that day healed the nation. I do not care who wrote them. Only you could have said them. Our current President had to deal with a space tragedy where more astronauts died. It never gets easier. Yet after taking time to heal, space exploration has soldiered on.

Speaking of soldiers, our military might is strong. Sometimes we fight, and sometimes we negotiate. Sometimes we have political opponents who want to fight battles that can be solved with conversations, and talk to people that need to be removed by force. You understood right from wrong, standing squarely with a small democracy called Israel against dictatorships that wanted to destroy it. That conflict still exists, but like you, our current President has allowed Israel to fiercely defend itself, consistent with his support for the nobility of democracy.

I remember being a teenager when you and Mr. Gorbachev shook hands. It was one of the greatest days in world history. Mr. Bush and Mr. Putin sometimes have an uneasy relationship that is complex, but they are certainly not at war. They often hold joint press conferences, and air their differences in a healthy manner.

Mr. Reagan, I hope you are resting comfortably in heaven. Just know that your vision of the world, slowly but surely, is being implemented, and the world is consistently better off for it. Anyone who thinks that they are destined to a life of misery and hopelessness should talk to people who lived through the iron curtain in Eastern Europe.

One other front we are grappling with is that of world pestilences and diseases. Africa is suffering from Aids, as is the rest of the world. However, by freeing pharmaceutical companies from endless regulations, they have created drugs that have plunged their profits into research and development, saving many lives and curing many diseases. Perhaps if they had a little more time, they could have cured Alzheimers disease and saved you the ignominy of your final years. Then again, perhaps your work was done, and you exited the world stage, having completed everything you needed to do. Nevertheless, a lot of people still miss you sir.

Yes Mr. Reagan, the Berlin Wall came crashing down. It tumbled, and crumbled. Yet if only you could see that what you started was only the beginning.

Godspeed Mr. Reagan. For free people everywhere, I thank you very much.

eric

On a weekend where ideas are as remote as…well, whatever else I think about…I have realized what truly allows people to succeed in life. It is not hard work, or perseverance. It is having a first initial. Like the monocle that makes the Monopoly Man, a first initial conveys importance.

I was going to cite 26 examples, and discovered that a couple of the gentlemen below was working on the exact same project at the exact same time. I hate it when others take the screws loose in my head and find a perfect match in their own craniums.

Like the other fellows, I simply could not think of all of them on my own. Also, I did not want to confine the list to individuals. Entities can be created out of first initials. With that, below is my list.

http://www.opinios.com/archives/000077.php

http://www.nicktaylor.us/newsletter520782.htm

A Martinez–He played Cruz on Santa Barbara. Guys who watch soap operas should be ashamed of themselves. Dallas and Desperate Housewives are exempt because they are not soap operas. They are prime time dramas.

B Dalton–Every successful bookstore involves Bs, but this chain is the only letter B. All hail the B, the first letter in books!

C. Everett Koop–I still do not know what the Surgeon General actually does, and his beard frightens me. Nevertheless, people have heard of him.

D Nice–He was a rapper. I care not to know any more for fear of admitting that I used to know this stuff. Yeah, I was hard core at one point.

E Trade–This is now an E world. We have e-commerce, e-conferences, evites, e-signatures, and of course, my occasional nickname of E-Dawg.

F. Scott Fitzgerald–He wrote stuff.

(Honorable mention: F. Lee Bailey)

G. Gordon Liddy–Forget his time in jail. He invented the phrase “suicide bomber republicans” to describe those on the right that do not fall in line.

H. Ross Perot–He inspired a Sesame Street character known as H. Ross Parrot. His ears were as impressive as his charts and graphs.

I. Lewis Libby–If your nickname was Scooter, you would go with the first initial as well. Scooter was also the little known nickname of B.A. Baracus on the A-Team, as played by Mr. T. I pity the fool that does not see the importance in all those initials.

J. Danforth Quayle–Gunga Dan Rather, in one of his many disgraces, could not simply call the former Vice President “Dan.” Unlike J. Edgar Hoover, Dan Quayle did not wear women’s underclothing.

K Mart–Does the K stand for king? I am not sure if they are a greater mart than Walmart, but I do not want to start a mart war.

L. Brent Bozell–He runs the Media Research Center, which specialized in showing that the media are a bunch of lying liberals that hate Middle America.

(Honorable mention: L. Ron Hubbard)

M. Jodi Rell–She is the Governor of Connecticut.

N. Gregory Mankiw–Click on the link, I stole this one.

O. Bruton Smith–This was thievery as well.

(Honorable mention: Oprah Winfrey for “O” Magazine)

P. Diddy–He is sometimes Puff Daddy. I do not know exactly what he does, but neither does he. He did have sex with J-Lo, who used to be Jennifer Lopez before going thuggish and getting an initial. He also played with guns. He does other stuff, which seems to be entertainment related, including throwing parties.

Q–James Bond may have gotten the ladies, but Q had better gadgets than inspector Gadget himself.

R Kelly–Men everywhere without daughters now realize that they can do anything at any time and get away with it. To appreciate R Kelly, watch Dave Chapelle. When not using women as toilets, he sings music.

S. Epatha Merkerson–She plays the Police Chief on Law and Order. Don’t mess with the Lieu.

T. Boone Pickens–He is an oil man that failed his way to the top. He prides in telling people that he succeeded by failing. He would try to engineer a hostile takeover of an oil company, which would jack up the stock price. Then he would sell his shares at a profit, claiming that he simply could not succeed in taking over the company. Then the stock would drop back down. Many people suspected that he never intended to buy the company, but he would explain that he tried his best, failed, and was disappointed.

U. Myint Thien–Ummmm…yeah…right…see the link.

V. Frank Pottow–V is for victory, and for a sexual innuendo. Also, it is for this fellow, who is described in the link.

W–President Bush is immortalized in one noble letter of the alphabet. Why have a u when you can have twice as many in the form of a double-u? Also known as “Dubya,” or “The Dub,” he is simply a rump kicking President that took out Saddam. He is also responsible for the internet, since every website begins with a w. Actually it begins with three, maximizing his impact.

(Honorable mention: W. Axl Rose)

X. Drew Liu–After President Bush, X does not mark the spot. It is all downhill from here, although for readers of my column, that starts from the first word. Check the link.

Y. William Yu–Y M C A? Y write this column? Too late, it is written. Check the link.

Z. Anthony Kruszewski–Z is the only letter in the word zzzzz, which is what I should be doing right now.

The Tygrrrr is off to slumber, content in knowing that the secret to success in life has now been explained.

All hail those that could not afford first names, settling for initials instead.

eric

Before getting to what some consider the greatest movie ever made, Showgirls, the Tygrrrr Express has a quick sports update from the gridiron.

At 36 years of age, I have come out of retirement to play football again. Like many others well past their prime, I can’t walk after the game, but I can’t walk away from the game either.

This is my second year in the Adult Sports League. While this is a fabulous name for a coed touch football league, the women are all fully clothed. Thankfully, so are the men.

http://www.planetsocialsports.com/Default.aspx?alias=www.planetsocialsports.com/california-los-angeles-venice-league

When tackling somebody in touch football, it is vital to always use open hands. Never ever grab or squeeze. Just touch. Last year when a hot female receiver ran into me, she apologized. Realizing that I may have accidentally gotten to second base with her, instead of apologizing I accidentally thanked her. I didn’t mean to, but I would not be the first guy to behave like a moron around a hot woman bouncing up and down. Plus, she was holding a football. Had she offered me a hamburger I might have proposed. At least she helped me up.

Anyway, the Chicago Cannonball and I are pretty serious, so I have to be careful. Being sophomoric is not acceptable, despite the fact that the name of my team is “Touch This.” Our Jerseys are white, which is good during the hot summer sun. Therefore, Touch This at the very least is as functional as it is linguistically aesthetic.

Before last week’s opener, when asked where a couple of the women on our team were, we stated that they were in the bathroom. One guy on the other team said, “good.” I broke out laughing, at which point he clarified himself, stating that he was not expressing excitement regarding their whereabouts. After the game when he tried to explain himself, I explained to him that the reason I laughed was because expressing delight in any way about women and bathrooms was inappropriate given that R Kelly had just been acquitted 24 hours earlier. I can say with certainty that there is none of that sick stuff on our team. We shower separately, and those showers are with crystal clear water, not any other color at the end of the rainbow.

Oh yeah, and we played football. This week’s game was a heartbreaker. Our quarterback and I barely missed connecting on a bomb. We also had a tying touchdown ruled out of bounds out the back of the end zone. We suffered an interception on the next play.

For those who care, trying to live blog a game while playing is beyond my capabilities, which is why I offer only color commentary and not play by play.

Late in the game, down 28-15, we scored, got a critical stop, and had one last chance for a win. Our quarterback heaved a Hail Mary, but there were no miracles on this day. We fell short 28-22.

We then cursed life and vowed vengeance. Actually, that may be an exaggeration. We went to the bar and had drinks. As a Jewish person, I am glad the teams did not do the NFL ritual of kneeling to Jesus at midfield afterwards. Had we completed the Hail Mary, I might have considered it.

My team is practically a team of couples. Three of the women on the team are romantically involved with three of the men. I hope they refrain the night before and day of the games, but if they don’t, I never want to know.

As for the Chicago Cannonball, she was in town last week, and made a lovely sign that said “Go Eric!” I asked her never to show it to anybody, because perhaps if I have a bad game I will be told to “go” in a less positive manner.

Two of the girls got injured, and for some reason they insisted on being adult about it. It truly is an adult sports league. I would have cried like a four year old girl, but then again, I do that anyway. Telling them to “man up” would not have been helpful, given that they are women. Plus, it would have been hypocritical given that the Chicago Cannonball wants me to man up, and I have no intention of doing so.

She is back in Chicago, and the only thing worse than losing a football game is not getting any sympathy love afterwards. My pain never ends.

I am just glad there are no cameras around. My worst tackle of the day on a very tall guy had me getting him on both sides of his body in the worst possible way. Had he been normal height, it would have been his back and his chest. My palms were open, and he did not file charges. I apologized to myself, and forgave myself.

So our team lost a close game, but at least my teammates are cool people. To those who disagree, I say “Touch This!”

Yet if girls running around playing football is not enough for a healthy man to witness, there is the true joy that is “Showgirls.”

I had the…pleasure is not the right word, but I will use it here…of seeing a play extolling the movie Showgirls as the greatest movie ever made.

http://www.showgirlsthebestmovieevermadeever.com/

http://www.jackieclarke.blogspot.com/

The brains behind this absolutely bizarre idea for a play is Jackie Clarke. Yes, she is the same Jackie Clarke that is in my list of Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies. Nevertheless, as much as it pains me to say this, I respect her for her mind. She is as warped and disturbing as she is disgustingly brilliant, or brilliantly disgusting.

One of the characters played movie Producer Joe Esterhazs, and he was a riot. There was plenty of ad libbing at this play, and one of the reasons for the ad libbing was that the air conditioning in the theatre was broken. The guy simply took his pants off, and used a bottle of beer in a way that I never want to see again. I truly hope that was “fizz” that he sprayed the crowd with.

Jesus is played by a naked woman, and the guy placing his upper lips on her (Female Jesus’s) lower lips is described as a “Jew.” Yes, people more disturbed than me exist.

I have never seen the movie Showgirls, but the concept was so bizarre that I had to see it. Now I need to watch the movie. I only know one line in the whole movie, because they played the clip over and over on commercials. My friends and I would say the line during completely random moments for no reason. During a game of pickup basketball, I screamed at a player on the opposing team, “I’m not a stripper, I’m a dancer!” He had no idea what I was talking about, but luckily, neither did I.

As for the guy playing Joe Esterhazs, somehow during one segue he talked about various sexual acts with various animals. I have never found bestiality to be particularly humorous, but I have to confess that I doubled over with laughter when this fellow put words together to form a sentence that I have never heard before and will most likely never hear again.

“I once finger banged a hermit crab.”

I am desperately looking for a way to slip that into conversation at an incredibly inappropriate time. I have ruled out using it when I meet the Chicago Cannonbal’s parents, or when I am having dinner at the Rabbi’s house.

Perhaps one day when I win an honorary degree, and they ask me if I ever dreamt big. I will tell them that now I have sex with a fabulous girl, but in my darkest days I finger banged a hermit crab.

Ok, at least I have plenty of time to work on this one. I just hope my regular t-shirt guy can come up with a good visual. Our team does not have a mascot yet.

Erotic occurrences with crustaceans aside, the play is incredibly clever. Jackie Clarke is a pervert, and society is better off for it. I recommend people go see this play.

Oh, and Jackie Clarke likes football, for those who thought this column would not get wrapped up in one of my perfectly unkempt little bows.

Given my relationship with the Chicago Cannonball, I will not play naked football with Jackie, no matter how much she begs, even if she offers me a hamburger afterwards.

Besides, I am not a stripper. I’m a dancer!

If I ever make it to the end zone again, I am prepared to make Bob Fosse proud, whoever that is.

eric

June 15, 2008 at 2:43 pm (Uncategorized)

June 14, 2008 at 11:16 am (POLITICS)

Before addressing the main event today, I have a quick sports update.

My coed touch football league started up yesterday, and I lived to tell about it. Given my relationship with the Chicago Cannonball, the ability to get the most out of touch football is diminished. Nevertheless, while the touching part is lessened, the football part is still awesome. In the same way that a car that has been in the garage for years should not immediately be taken on the highway, perhaps I bit off more than I could chew by playing football. It is not as easy as it is playing the video game version, or even better, watching other people play it on NFL Sundays.

Nevertheless, despite the fact that my team lost the opening game 24-0, I had a reception for a short gain. I redeemed myself in the second half of the doubleheader. Leading 28-21, and needing a score to ice the game, the quarterback on my team threw a quick rifle pass to me over the middle. Had I caught it cleanly, it would have been a short gain. However, since I bobbled it, and then caught it, the guy who touched me did so before I had actually caught it. I plucked my own bobble out of the air, split the defenders, and raced towards the end zone.

Five years ago I would have scored. Sadly enough, I had to settle for a long gain near the goal line. It did set up the winning touchdown and a 35-21 win. A potential touchdown bomb to me was underthrown and intercepted, although I did touch the guy down before he could run it back.

Anyway, heroes can be found anywhere, and I can only get better as the weeks go by. Perhaps.

Anyway, there is a world beyond me, an all powerful world. It is in that spirit that I bring a pair of mystical aspects of Judaism. The first is the Zohar, which has been educating Jews for centuries. The second is the Zohan, the new Adam Sandler movie. I would not mess with either. The Zohar is quite serious. The Zohan is hysterically funny.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zohar

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zohan

The Zohar has been around since the 13th century.

The Zohan has been around since Friday, June 6th, 2008.

The Zohar could be analyzed over the course of an entire life, and never be completely understood.

The Zohan, aka Adam Sandler, could be analyzed over the course of an entire life, and never be completely understood.

The Zohar has had a profound influence on Christian mysticism.

The Zohan has had a profound effect on a Palestinian cab driver played by Rob Schneider.

The Zohar has featured commentary by Gershon Scholem.

The Zohan featured John Turturro.

The Zohar could originally only be studied by men at least 40 years old.

The Zohan is best watched by men under 40 years old, especially those between 18 and 19.

The Zohar is often read my men over 90 years old.

The Zohan can be watched in about 90 minutes.

The Zohar is best studied over a glass of wine.

The Zohan is best enjoyed with Hummus.

The Zohar contains many incomprehensible words written in Aramaic.

The Zohan contains many incomprehensible words spoken in Israeli Heblish.

The Zohar is not complete until one has read the additions.

The Zohan is not complete without the closing credits.

The Zohar makes intelligent people scratch their heads in disbelief.

The Zohan makes intelligent people scratch their heads in disbelief.

The Zohar is seen by non-Orthodox Jews as apocrypha.

The Zohan as played by Adam Sandler is proof of the apocalypse.

The Zohar states that Kabbalah is never actually revealed.

The Zohan, aka Adam Sandler, reveals way too much.

The Zohan was a collaborative effort, with the main writer being Moses De Leon.

The Zohan was a collaborative effort, with the main writer being Adam Sandler.

Zohar is Hebrew for splendor or radiance.

Zohan is Hebrew for Zohan.

The Zohar is serious. There is nothing funny about it.

The Zohan is hysterically funny. Serious intellects need not apply.

The Zohar can lead to spiritual meaning, which makes for happy guys.

The Zohan can lead to other DVD rentals, such as the Waterboy and Happy Gilmore.

The Zohar requires an attention span I do not possess, rendering me sleepy.

The Zohan used up my attention span, getting me home at 1am, rendering me sleepy.

I would like to thank the creators of this brilliant work. Every once in awhile something comes along that can change an outlook forever, and give a man a new perspective.

Yes, the Zohan is that important. I suppose the Zohar is not bad either.

eric

For those who did not know, Lesbos are not lesbians.

In a world where people are dying from war, hunger, natural disasters, and pestilence, there are actually people with enough free time and money to file lawsuits involving disputes that trace their origins back to the 7th Century before the common era. Yes, after 2700 years, the lawyers have finally gone too far.

It is one thing when a lady spills hot coffee on herself that she placed between her legs while driving, and then sues McDonalds. It is one thing when a man sues a dry cleaners place for 50 million dollars over one pair of pants. It is one thing when a student gets drunk, breaks into a university gymnasium, jumps on a trampoline, lands awkwardly, becomes a paraplegic, and sues the university.

Although it was completely fictional, it was one thing when a comic strip portrayed a paparazzi taking pictures of Sean Penn. Sean Penn punches the paparazzi, who sues the Minolta Camera Company for 10 million dollars.

It is one thing when the World Wildlife Fund sues the Worldwide Wrestling Federation over the initials WWF. Environmental conservationists have nothing to do with awkwardly dressed pugilists. Unless Jesse “The Body” Ventura killed the bird that was used to put the feather boa in his hair, there should be no conflict of interest between these groups. The wrestlers went from WWF to WWE. There is no news yet on how the World Wide Florists feel about this matter.

Nevertheless, the line of litigaton lunacy has finally been crossed. For the sake of alliteration, legal sanity has been leapfrogged.

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/04/30/greece.lesbos.ap/

For those too lazy to click on the link, much less read it, a brief synopsis is in order.

“ATHENS, Greece (AP) — A Greek court has been asked to draw the line between gay women and the natives of the Aegean Sea island of Lesbos.

Three islanders from Lesbos — home of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised love between women — have taken a gay rights group to court for using the word lesbian in its name.”

Yes folks, I am fighting the urge to wipe away hysterical tears of laughter over this one.

I have to side with the lesbians on this one. Not the Lesbians, aka the people of Lesbos, but the lesbians, aka homosexual women.

We could start calling them dykes, but that might be an insult to those that build dams. Also, when water starts to burst, an expression often used is “putting your finger in the dyke” to stop the flow. Therefore, that is a non-starter. Also, dams is short for damsels in distress. No, not really. However, one type of dam is the beaver dam. We could call women beaver dams, but that would be opening up a world of linguistic pain. Then these women might sue the “Beaver Mustard” company for reasons I do not want to even think about. Too late.

The plaintiffs had this to say.

“One of the plaintiffs said Wednesday that the name of the association, Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece, ‘insults the identity’ of the people of Lesbos, who are also known as Lesbians.”

Anyway, the lesbians responded to the Lesbians.

“‘My sister can’t say she is a Lesbian,’ said Dimitris Lambrou. ‘Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos,’ he said.”

The bottom line is that the Lesbians are concerned that because lesbians are gay, everybody will think that Lesbians are also gay.

As for the lesbians, sometimes referred to as lesbian spear chuckers, while I happen to agree that this lawsuit is ridiculous, they cannot understand why anybody would object to being associated with them.

“‘I don’t see how the word can be an insult,’ Evangelia Vlami said.”

Let me explain this to the gay community, as somebody who supports them on some issues. Not everybody is gay. Despite the fact that gay is the new black, and that everybody and anybody on television is gay, there are people in society who are not gay. Despite the fact that every third episode of “Law and Order” involves some character being gay, straight people still exist in this world. Gay people are 10% (they can argue 30%, it does not change my point). That is why they are an “alternative” lifestyle. Straight people are the other 90%. They are “mainstream.”

This is not an insult or a pejorative of any kind. Alternative music by definition is music that is alternative to what is considered “popular” music or “mainstream” music. It has a smaller following, but that does not mean it is of a lower quality (For the sake of ethics, I detest alternative music, and think it is for teenage girls with nose rings and blue hair).

People that are “different” like to use words such as “special,” to make themselves feel better. When everybody is special, nobody is special. Handicapped people are not “handicapable.” They are handicapped. They have some limitations. The shame is not the handicap. The shame is the euphemism in covering it up.

So yes, if somebody were to imply that I was homosexual, I would think they were an idiot, and be offended. When a man whines, he is often told to “stop acting like a woman.” This is not to denigrate an entire gender. Women are more emotional. This is biologically factual.

So while the lawsuit is ridiculous, for gay people to deliberately fail to understand why straight people would not want to be labeled as gay is also ridiculous. Ask any gay person if they would choose to be gay if given the choice at birth (I personally believe people are born gay. They cannot be ‘made’ straight.), and they would say that they would opt for being straight.

The bottom line is that being gay should not be condemned nor should it be celebrated. The point is to get to a point in society where it is simply irrelevant. Some people prefer strawberry pancakes, others prefer blueberry. Neither of those choices mandate angst or balloons.

The Lesbians offered more concerns about female homosexuals, but not the lifestyle itself.

“‘This is not an aggressive act against gay women,’ Lambrou said. ‘Let them visit Lesbos and get married and whatever they like. We just want (the group) to remove the word lesbian from their title.'”

The lesbians pointed out that the people from the island of Lesbos do not have to call themselves Lesbians. They can call themselves “people from the island of Lesbos.”

In all fairness, that does take longer to say. More importantly, others can argue who came first, Lesbians or lesbians.

What makes things even more complex is that another name for lesbians that is not considered a pejorative is to refer to them as “daughters of Sappho.” A daughter of Sappho is a legitimiate term for a female homosexual. Sappho was a poet whose poetry express love for other women. However, Sappho lived on this island of Lesbos! She is from there!

Folks, stupidity is as old as the hills. It will be with us forever. It is how people from the nation of Turkey could organize a boycott against the Dole Pineapple Company in 1996 over anger at comments made by then Presidential candidate Bob Dole. A panicked executive for the company issued an immediate press release stating that their company was apolitical. They did not prefer republicans or democrats. They just wanted people of all stripes worldwide to enjoy delicious tasting pineapples and other fruit.

Speaking of the people of Turkey, labels do matter. It is one reason why they calls themselves Turks, as opposed to Turkeys. The turkey is not considered an intelligent creature.

When all is said and done, short of following Shakespeare’s advice and killing all the lawyers, people need to lighten up. No, that is not a reference to everybody becoming caucasian. Black people can retain their dark pigmentation and still chill out.

There are 250,000 people living on the island of Lesbos. Most of them, in keeping with statistics worldwide, are heterosexual. If they were to come to America and say they were Lesbians, we might giggle at first, but all they would have to say is “from the Island of Lesbos.”

With the exception of the many 14 year old boys that cannot handle such terminology without bursting into laughter, most people would be find with it.

After all, there is a town in Florida called Jupiter. Nobody thinks these people are from a different planet. They are citizens of Earth, and America.

I wonder if there is life on other planets. If so, I hope those other planets do not have lawyers. We might get somebody from Jupiter suing the town in Florida. People from Saturn will be suing the car company of the same name. People from Venus and Mars will be suing the author of the book, “Women are from Venus, men are from Mars.”

Normally I would say that the lesbians need to shut up and be quiet, but in this case, it is the Lesbians that need to take the equivalent of a time out.

As for the island of Lesbos, unless somebody can bring me back evidence that the island is filled with women making out all day while wearing mermaid type outfits, this issue should be put to bed, heterosexual Lesbian style.

If these female romps are occuring, then the Lesbians are liars, and are self hating. Then the only issue would be if they were attractive enough to be worth videotaping for a Girls Gone Wild video.

Ugly people can speak romance languages, and straight people can be Lesbians.

It all does work out in the long run, as long as one accepts that God (nature for atheists) exists, and has one fabulous sense of humor.

If only Lesbians and lesbians appreciated the joke.

Now it is time for dinner. Linguistics with clam sauce…my favorite.

eric