THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

It was my pleasure this weekend to interview politically conservative satirist Evan Sayet. I have met Evan on several occasions, and have enjoyed his “Right to Laugh” comedy shows at the Friar’s Club in Beverly Hills, among other locations.

His website is http://www.evansayet.com. If any of you cheat and skip the interview, Evan will know about it somehow.

I was initially going to ask him what kind of tree or Al Gore he would be, or which Fox News anchor he most wanted to share a jello bath with, but he told me to leave Greg Gutfield out of this (No, he did not say that).

Although Evan has his roots as a stand up comedian, he has very serious notions and thoughts about very serious topics. Like most people, there is a lot more than meets the eye. Here is the transcript of my interview with Evan Sayet. 

1) You were not always politically conservative. What specific events led you to conservatism?

I call myself a 9-13 Republican.  I wasn’t surprised by 9/11.  Of course I was sickened by the carnage and the specific targets were stunning, knowing that the Islamists were murdering the Jews of Israel for decades for no other reason than that they were the CLOSEST infidels (and because of the Arab/Moslem world’s lack of accomplishment, the only ones they could reach), it didn’t surprise me that when they could they would begin to murder the BIGGEST infidels — Americans.
    No, what surprised me took place figuratively on what I call “9-12” — the days and weeks and months AFTER 9/11 and that was the response of my Liberal friends to the attacks.  The notion that we “deserved” them and that somehow we could avoid future attacks by being nicer to the terrorists and giving in to their demands made it clear that there was no place for me in the leftist party.
    I began, for the first time, to investigate the Republican and the conservative movement and discovered that not only were the caricatures of them that I’d been raised with weren’t true, they were smarter, more moral, more patriotic and much, much, much more reasonable in their positions than the hysteria I began to recognize was the whole of the Liberal movement. 

2) Who are your top 3 political heroes, and why?
   
    I’m not much of a hero-worshiper.  There are people who I respect for their intellect, their clarity and, because the leftists along with their Islamist allies are often violent or at least threaten violence, courage as well.  My unwitting mentor is Dennis Prager, for their clarity of thought I also turn a great deal to the works of Victor Davis Hanson and Charles Krauthammer.  I could list another score whose works inspire me and inform my own works and thinking. 

3) Who are your top 3 inspirations that led you to your career in the entertainment industry?
       I’m not sure that choice could be called “inspired.”  Frankly, I needed a profession where one wasn’t cooped up all day and this was the only job where, as comedian Rich Voss says, “where you can say to your friends ‘I have to go to work…I’ll be right back.'”  It was more the liberty that stand-up offered and the luck of the timing where a comedy “boom” was taking place that stand-up suddenly was a real profession where one could make a living. 

4) On stage you are funny but the world can be a serious place. What political issues are you most passionate about?
    There are two overriding concerns.  They are interrelated and virtually all other issues are but subsets.  There’s the need to defeat Islamic fascism for the world is truly threatened with a return to a dark age — “reprimitivization” I think Mark Steyn calls it and, despite the left’s inability to recognize it, it is real and it is spreading throughout the world and it is worse in ways than Nazism.
    Failing to defeat Islamism makes nothing else of any great importance.
    The other great issue has become known as “the culture war” in America and this is related to Islamism because the Democrats’ are so morally and intellectually perverted in their “thinking” they believe that it is America that is evil and the Islamists are the innocent victim of America’s evil prejudices and thus are (sort of) unwitting allies of the movement that threatens the existence of enlightened civilization.
    The leftists’ efforts to destroy Western Civilization through the perversion of our children, the promotion of indiscriminate and promiscuous sexual activities, the denigration of our society in their schools and movies, the undermining of the family unit and their portrayal of American patriotism as “xenophobia” are things that have to be beaten back.

 5) Who are your favorite 3 comedians, and what do you think makes them so special?      The comic whose style most influenced my own is Johnny Carson.  His reaction to the audiences’ reactions were often better than the jokes.  I also learned how to be a good interviewer from Carson because unlike, say, Leno, Carson allowed the show to speak for itself.  If the show worked then he saw it as a success.  For this reason, if the guest was doing well on their own he let them roll.  He would only insert himself if the guest needed some help (like being asked questions instead of telling a story.)
    I was a huge fan of Woody Allen’s stand-up when I was young as well.  His stories were well-crafted and intelligent.  I loved Rodney and Henny Youngman’s one-liners, but it was the stories of Woody Allen that let me know there was more.
    Please don’t think I’m denigrating Rodney because I’m not.  In fact I’d say he’d be the third of the three you asked for because his one-liners were as good as they get.
    

6) Liberal comedians such as Al Franken and Janine Garofolo can be funny when not discussing politics. Why in general are politically liberal stand up comics not successful in doing straight political routines as you are? Or are they? What went wrong with Air America in your opinion?
   

Liberals have the problem that they are so filled with hate for non-leftists that they cannot laugh at themselves and they cannot give their enemies human qualities.  It’s hard to be witty and clever when you consider anyone who disagrees with you to be nothing short of “Hitler.”  There just aren’t all that many good “Hitler jokes” out there.
    On the other side, they are terrified that if they point out foibles or failures of their own side they are somehow arming the enemy by pointing out their failures.  This leaves them very little to actually make jokes about.  This is why when John Kerry turned to the best leftist political comedian he could find, Whoopi Goldberg, for his big event at Radio City Music Hall a few years ago, the best joke she could make was to point to her crotch and say “Bush?  I have a bush in my pants.”    Air America failed because the Modern Liberal cannot compete in any forum where debate and discussion is allowed.  Their arguments are so devoid of truth that they only succeed in those venues where they can LECTURE to other people swearing that their lies are the truth.  This is why they do well on the 23-minute nightly news programs on the networks where the anchor dictates “the truth” but fail miserably on the hour-ling debate and discussion programs on the cable news channels.  On talk radio the host gives his opinion — and admits it’s his opinion — and then must be prepared to thoughtfully answer up to forty callers challenging his assumptions and facts.  Because the leftists’ assumptions and facts are wrong, they cannot survive the challenge. 

7) Which politicians past and present from a comedic standpoint are the “gift that keeps on giving?” Which are more difficult to have fun with?
     

It’s easier to make fun of George Bush both because he is the President and he stands out as opposed to Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid whose jobs and personalities are lesser known.  For this reason I try to play to audiences who are extremely knowledgeable about politics. 
    Watch a Leno monologue and you’ll see that his punchlines almost invariably address the most obvious, well-known and caricatured aspect of the subject.  Boris Yeltsin being a drunk, George Bush being “stupid,” Bill Clinton being a philanderer, etc.  Lesser known politicians don’t tend to have that one thing that stands out.  Further, because they are protected by their co-ideologists in the media, those that would stand out, such as Nancy Pelosi’s staggering stupidity, are covered-up by the press and thus not of much use in front of a general audience. 

8.) Many funny individuals from Jim Carrey to Bill Murray to Adam Sandler have tried to grow beyond comedy, taking on serious roles. Do you want to stay on the comedy side, or do you want to branch out into more serious endeavors?
     I don’t bill myself as a stand-up comedian.  I call myself a “satirist” so that it’s understood that my shows aren’t going to be “joke-joke-joke” and that there’s going to be more heft to it.  I also have a very serious presentation of my unique understanding of the Modern Liberal “thinks” and why they side invariably and inevitably with evil, failure and wrong.  This more serious talk I call “Regurgitating the Apple: How Modern Liberals ‘Think'” as opposed to the “satire” which I call my “Right to Laugh” tour.  Sometimes, especially when I play colleges or symposiums, I’ll do the comedy one night and sit on or moderate a serious panel the next day. 

9) In your lifetime, what television comedies have you enjoyed the most? What made them so good?
       When I was young I loved the TV show “MASH.”  I didn’t realize how it was intended to indoctrinate people into the leftist mindset and enjoyed both the storylines with their life-and-death undertones and the sometimes smart, sometimes silly but always rapid-fire delivery of Hawkeye Pierce whom I fancied myself a disciple. 
      These days I find myself watching very little episodic TV but I do like “Monk” a lot for it’s clever twists and interesting characterizations and the animated shows like The Simpsons and even “Family Guy” (although I’ve grown sick of their gratuitous and hateful attacks on America and Americans).  These shows, though, have some of the cleverest lines and can do almost anything for they don’t have to worry about reality. 
 

10) Do you feel the increased amount of sex, violence, and foul language in comedy routines is problematic for society, or are concerns about this much ado about nothing at all?
   

This is much of what I write about and I think that it’s part of the leftists’ plan to undermine the values of American society.  They hope to destroy the innocence of America’s youth and undermine the values that made the last century the “American Century” and which created “The Greatest Generation.”
     

11) If you had an invitation to the White House, would you prefer to do a stand up routine for the President, or interview him? What would you say to or ask him?
   

First I would thank the President for defending this nation, for being, according to Ariel Sharon (and he was right) “the best friend Israel has ever had,” and I would implore him to take off the gloves and start fighting back against the leftists who are not constrained in their attacks by such things as truth, morality and decency.  The left HATES America and because the President isn’t fighting back hard enough, they are winning the battle in the minds of many Americans.
    Thanks to their lies in the leftist media, for example, people think this economy — one of the best in human history — is in bad shape, they are unaware of the Islamists intentions because the media lies about their crimes by not calling them terrorists and covers-up the perpetrators by not calling them Moslem.
    I have often said that I think the President’s Christianity is his greatest strength and his greatest weakness.  It’s has greatest strength because, having a strong moral standard he doesn’t need to take a poll like Bill Clinton to determine what is right and he can continue to do the right things even if it means he’s “less popular.”  People who have no values care if they’re popular, people with values care only if they are right.
    But Bush’s Christianity, I think, prevents him from taking off the gloves and fighting back against the liars on the left.  He keeps “turning the other cheek” as Ted Kennedy slanders him and America, Jimmy Carter goes around the world lying against this nation and Michael Moore gets standing ovations for his lie-filled, anti-American propaganda movies. 

12) Do you think it is a positive or negative development that infotainment has become a staple of the nightly news? Should Hollywood celebrities be relegated to shows like “Access Hollywood,” with the news only covering hard news, or is the “dumbing down” of the news overblown, or a myth altogether?
   

 This, too, is a reflection of the lefts’ lack of values and intellect.  Because they believe in nothing, celebrity rather than intellect has become the measure of what is right.  Why would I care what Barbra Streisand thinks?  Because she sings “perty?”  It’s asinine — which is why it’s so much a part of the leftist news media these days. 

13) Do you belong to any religious faith, and what role does it play in your life? Does it play a role in your comedy routine?
   

 I was raised “culturally Jewish.”  What that means is that I was snipped at the age of eight days, was Bar Mitzvah’d 12 years and three hundred something days later with no knowledge whatsoever about what I was saying and with no obligation to actually be a man after that, but I ate my bagels and cream cheese with “lox” as opposed to “smoked salmon.”
    I was taught that all religions are basically the same — a lot of tradition, some ritual, a great deal of hocus-pocus, but really no different than any other.
    It was only after my rejection of the mindlessness that is behind these “thoughts” that came with my rejection of the utterly mindless Democratic Party after 9/11 that I began to seriously investigate religions, including my own.  I have since fallen in love with Judaism (and have the highest regard for Christianity — especially American Christianity which honors its Jewish heritage) and recognize that I have far more in common with a practicing Christian in America than I do with the “secular,” liberal Jew who is really an anti-Semite and America-hater (I explain all this in my forthcoming book).
    There are certain givens in my comedy routine and my serious lecture — truths I hold to be self-evident and these include that Judaism and American Christianity are good and the Islamism is evil.  It’s discussed and implied throughout my talks. 

14) Without mentioning any mediums or television shows in particular, how do you balance the desire to gain exposure, which is vital in the early going, versus protecting the quality of the “Evan Sayet Brand?”
   

Because I was starting over with my new take on the world, I have been promoting myself in a grassroots fashion.  My old rolodex from 20 plus years in show biz could get me a meeting over at “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” but didn’t include the Republican Jewish Coalition of the Women’s Federation of Republicans — people both knowledgeable enough to appreciate and be supportive of my efforts. 
     Mass exposure, then, hasn’t been my goal.  I’ve been building from the local to the state and now to the national by becoming the sort of “go-to guy” for high end, intelligent gatherings such as David Horowitz’s Restoration Weekend and CPAC and the like.  I’ve also gotten a great deal of support from the talk radio community where I can be both funny and serious depending on what needs to be said. 

15) Were you doing comedy or entertainment of any kind in 2001, and did 9/11 force you to make any alterations, especially in the short term? How did 9/11 affect you on a personal level?
   

I’ve answered this in detail above.  In 2001 I was working at an internet company providing content (yes, like so many others I’d been suckered into the dot com world) and writing and producing my documentary on the 70’s for the Discovery Channel (available at my website.) 

16) If you are on O’Reilly or Hannity for 5 minutes, what are you talking to them about?
   

Everything I talk about comes down to a single, overarching subject, how the Modern Liberal “thinks” and why they invariably side with evil over good, wrong over right and the behaviors that lead to failure over those that lead to success.  Thus, if the subject is their promotion of promiscuity in the schools or trying to undermine our efforts to defeat Saddam Hussein or any other specific issue, it is always approached from the point of my understanding of their agenda and methods. 

17) What other projects do you have in the works?
   

I say that I am in the “conservative thought industry.”  That means that I sell my thoughts in a variety of ways: as a guest on talk radio programs or TV (mostly Fox, of course, as the leftists don’t want to hear it), guest hosting these radio shows, writing articles, giving my serious lecture to groups small and large, participating in symposiums, doing the humorous version and right now I am writing the book “Regurgitating the Apple: How Modern Liberals ‘Think'” for publication by Regnery Press in 2008. 

18) What other up and coming comedians should America be on the lookout for in the next 2-3 years? What current comedians are the most underrated, and deserving of a breakout? What do you like about them?
   

I really don’t have the stomach for watching stand-up comedy much these days.  Remember, I was a road comic for a decade, eating, sleeping and breathing jokes, routines, other comics, watching the comedy shows to see if they were right for me, etc.  That being said, I think Chris Rock borders on the brilliant at times.  Jon Stewart is exceptionally funny (although because of his blatant leftist, New York, liberal, Jew, show biz POV the jokes can get old easily).
    As far as the “unknowns” go I haven’t the foggiest as I don’t spend any time in the clubs these days nor watch them on TV. 

19) What is most important to you in this world?
   

Right now it is fighting to preserve what Abraham Lincoln rightly recognized as “the last best hope for man on Earth.”  If the Islamists win — and that’s almost inevitable if the Democrats win the White House in 2008 as they will run around the world trying to appease them — then nothing else much matters.   

20) What do you want people to know about you most?
   

They don’t need to know anything about me.  I have my friends and my family and they need to know me.  All anyone else needs to know is my work and to recognize that it doesn’t come from a bearing political hatchet — I was one of them until I came out of my moral and intellectual coma.  It’s not a religious thing.  I was one of them in that way, too.  It’s not that I want “tax cuts for the rich,” for I am far from rich.  I have no reason whatsoever to believe what I have come through my studies to believe.  In fact, I wish it weren’t true.  I wish we had a loyal opposition in America instead of what the Democratic Party has become.
    I will never forget listening to a Holocaust survivor talk about her “happy childhood” before the Nazis.  Just because everything is wonderful in America today doesn’t mean the Islamists can’t and won’t create another dark age if we don’t stop them.  Too many on the left have lived such isolated and privileged lives and have no clue about the real world and the horrors that exist, that they are angry at America for not giving them — literally giving them — everything they want and, because of the narcissism induced in them in the schools and elsewhere through “self-esteem” programs — believe they are entitled to.
     I am a patriotic American not because I was born here and am “xenophobic” but because America has afforded me — and all Americans (even the ones taught to cry “victim” at every one of their failures) more freedoms and more opportunities than any other nation in human history.  I am grateful, the Democrat feels “entitled” to all that and more.

I would like to thank Evan Sayet for his graciousness and his time. Although he did not ask me to tell any of you this, I want the world to know that in the time it took to conduct and publish this interview, Al Queda formulated more plans to kill us and democrats in Congress did nothing to stop them. 

It is a rare pleasure to have somebody who can discuss the War on Terror, make us laugh, and know when each situation is appropriate. Much success Evan.

eric  

I am declaring a ceasefire in politics for the next 6 hours. Why? because it’s my column, and I can. It is rare that something occurs that is more important than what I see on the news, but today God has taken his beautiful light and brought something fabulous into this world…a new baby boy, with the proud father being a local Rabbi who is a dear friend of mine.

Yes, like many good Jewish Rabbis, this fellow is a liberal, which means his child will mostly likely be as well. No, this is not a tragedy. A real tragedy is when a child is brought into this world without parents as wonderful as this young boy. He is too young to understand gambling games and game theory to know that he hit the jackpot in the parental department.

I have sat across from the Rabbi many times over dinner. Yes, he allows republicans into his home. We have debated the issues of the day, and while those debates are spirited, there is no acrimony. The others join in, some on my side, some on his side, and the evening ends with handshakes and hugs. On rare occasions, we are even on the same side, which we would never have found out if we did not engage each other in conversation.

I am not going to minimize politics. It is important. The disagreements are valid, and healthy. Yet those disagreements are the means, and the ends are the same. The goal is to make the world a better place. We want our children to grow up in a better world than we did.

Yes, there are bad things, and bad people, out there. The toughest job a parents has is balancing the appropriate level of paranoia. Parents worry every second of the day about their child, but they do not want the child to live in fear. Even as an adult, when I call and ask my dad how he is, he says he is fine, and that he is more worried about me.

This Rabbi took time to pray for my dad. He takes time for many people who need things from him. Whether it be a student complaining about how oppressive final exams are, or how their student romance is going, he listens and counsels. On the holidays, he might have an 85 year old congregant that has every ailment under the sun, and has been dying since 1937. He listens patiently. I know I would not have the patience. Yet this amount of patience is nothing compared to raising a child, because even the toughest congregants eventually leave his office. The family is always there.

This Rabbi has a healthy sense of balance. His child will not fall victim to the syndrome expressed beautifully by the late Harry Chapin (or for you young kids, rock band Ugly Kid Joe) in the song “Cats in the Cradle.”

“My child arrived just the other day…he came to the world in the usual way…but there were planes to catch, and bills to pay…he learned to walk while I was away.”

I have a deep respect for parents who have to be able to be away from their children in order to feed them. However, those who are there have the advantage. Showing up by itself is not enough, but it is a great start.

Parents are often powerless. They cannot make the schoolteachers be better. They cannot make every drug dealer in the world go to other neighborhoods. They certainly cannot improve the quality of television. They cannot prevent war.

Yet parents can play a vital role in making sure children are emotionally healthy and happy. My father and grandfather were both Holocaust survivors, yet when I was growing up, the biggest worries they expressed were my grades and the length of my hair (it is still too long for dad).

Even hiring a babysitter can be nervewracking. What if she turns out to be a CIA operative (stole that from an episode of “Falcon Crest,” another reason to watch television back then)? Every person that enters the home could be a potential threat. I mean what if they leave me alone with their child for five minutes while they answer the doorbell, and they come back to see me teaching the kid Reaganomics?

The most precious gift we have is life. It is not republican or democrat, but it is overwhelmingly beautiful. Newborn babies do not know how to hate. They only know how to return love, when that love is given.

This child is going to be well educated, well fed, and most importantly, given a set of values that would make any person proud. The child will be taught to love their neighbor, and they will be given beautiful religious traditions, all the while respecting others who hold different traditions.

As I said, I doubt I will agree any time soon with this Rabbi’s prescriptions for improving society. Yet this Rabbi has already bettered society by bringing children into this world. Some will say until the children are raised successfully, that society has not been improved. Given this Rabbi’s track record, I suspect society will be just fine.

May God Bless this new child that has entered the world. May his parents have many years of happiness and blessings. May the child be happy and healthy. Besides, who knows? When he becomes a teenager and rebels, he can always become a republican. I would be fine with that, provided he becomes the fine person I expect him to be. With parents like his, he is already off to a great start.

eric

Socrates was not Jewish, but given that he was “the great questioner,” he should have honorary status in my religion.  A dinner over hot dogs at a kosher restaurant yesterday  with a Chasidic Jewish person brought up more questions than answers, as is often the case. This individual not only has a deep knowledge of Jewish texts and laws, but can more than hold his own when discussing football, the stock market, and politics. Things took a turn towards the deeply philosophical last night when discussing issues concerning pork products.

Jews are forbidden from eating pork. This is black and white. What is gray is what happens when the issue does not involve eating the pig. For instance, what are the rules about even walking into a restaurant where pork products might be served? Some would argue that the person should not even be in the restaurant, lest they be seen. Others would be willing to sit their with their friends, but not eat anything. Still others would be willing to drink Coca Cola, which is universally known as kosher, but not eat any food. Yet still others would eat a salad, or some french fries, but not eat any meat, especially not pork. Arguments can be made that bacon grease could spill from the vat containing the pork onto the fries, or even spill near the soda dispenser where the sodas are kept.

I once saw a man wearing a yamulkah (Jewish skullcap) eating at McDonalds. I hesitantly approached hi and asked him very gingerly if he would be willing to remove his yamulkah while in the establishment. He immediately agreed to do so, and thankfully for me, his clear understanding of why I made the request prevented any awkwardness. If somebody sees him in this manner, they will assume that McDonalds is a kosher establishment, where religious Jews can eat. I thanked him, and told him that I left my skullcap in my car for this reason. Some would say I should have tried to persuade him not to eat there at all, but I did not feel approaching that line.

One major thing that separates Judaism from radical Islam is the notion that Jewish law only applies to Jews. If a Rabbi sees a non-Jewish individual eating bacon, there is no objection. There is no reason to try and convince the Christian to stop, because no laws are being violated. Unlike Sharia Law, Judaism stops at the Jewish religion’s edge.

Where things become incredibly murky is when the connection between the Jew and the hog is indirect. Is it inappropriate to have a stock portfolio that contains companies that deal in pork? Is a religious observant Jew required to divest his portfolio of stock in McDonalds and other companies that sell products that violate Jewish law? We routinely hear about divesting our mutual funds from companies that sponsor terrorism, but is human life at stake when Jewish law is threatened? I honestly do not know.

What about a Jewish person becoming a hog farmer? The individual is “trafficking” in pork, but is marketing, selling, and distributing hogs tantamount to eating them? If I sell a gun to a reputable person, who then in turn sells it to a criminal, am I liable? No. My sale was reputable. So if I sell my product to McDonalds, am I responsible if other Jews eat there? Am I contributing to violations?

The conversation with this Chasidic fellow reached its deepest point with an issue that is only recently becoming relevant…bomb sniffing pigs. Yes, Hogs are now being used by the Israeli military and police forced to root out terrorism and homicide bombers. The pigs seem to be equally if not more effective than bomb sniffing dogs. Initially the Israeli government resisted using pigs, until common sense won out. The pigs were not being eaten, but used to save Jewish lives.

So what happens if a Jewish individual sees that an excellent idea in terms of entrepreneurship would be to become a hog farmer. If he raises and sells them only to the Israeli Government solely for the purposes of sniffing bombs, with stipulations in the contract that they can only be eaten after being sold to non-Jewish businesses, is this acceptable? If the hog farmer has the Israeli Government as his main client, but also McDonalds as well, then what? Does the saving of lives overrule the consumption aspect?

Israel is a major front for fighting back in the War on Terror. Therefore, I believe that getting them as many pigs as possible should be encouraged. Yes, there is a risk that it could lead to more Jews consuming bacon, but perhaps that concern can be alleviated, and perhaps not. When a famous Rabbi was told to eat a pig in front of his congregation or be executed, he chose to death. When he was told he could press the pig against his lips and pretend to eat it, he again chose death. Sacrificing his own life was deemed more important than killing an entire religion.

Assimilation is not going away. It is a constant struggle. Sending tons and tons of creatures used to make bacon will only make things tougher on the large segment of the Jewish community that finds keeping kosher to be a tough accomplishment requiring intense discipline. It could cause more people not to keep kosher.

Having said that, winning the War on Terror must be paramount. I am more afraid of homicide bombers than bacon. Besides, if the pigs are used appropriately, they will be too valuable as terror warriors against homicide bombers to ever become bacon anyway. If it is acceptable to use them, it should be acceptable to grow them. It is becoming big business, and too lucrative to consider not doing just because of theological questions that are far from definitively against this practice.

eric

On Mother’s Day, a groundbreaking new blog expressed the following sentiments…

“I love you mom. Happy useless symbolic holiday. I love you too dad. Happy useless symbolic holiday in advance, in case I forget to call. It is Sunday. As always, I will give you the best gift that you always wanted, the one you never had when I was growing up…peace and quiet. I will call in the afternoon so as not to wake you up. Ok, who am I kidding, you will be up 5 or 6 hours before me anyway. I will call you inthe afternoon so I can sleep in and get peace and quiet.

I would ask you when ‘son’ day is, but then you would remark about how every day for 18 years was son day, and that you have the grocery bills to prove it.”

Anyway Mom, today is Father’s Day. I know how it works. I call him up, and he asks me “Son, do you own stock in the telephone company? You just called a couple days ago.”

I actually have a very good relationship with my parents, but they are practical people, and not big on ceremony or symbolism. Outside of Veteran’s Day or Memorial Day, there are no important holidays. My dad wishes we could have “Shut the hell up and go to work Day,” where everybody just did that.

He is not interested in idle chatter. In past years I called him a couple days before Father’s Day, in case I forgot Father’s Day. Then I would remember, call again, and he would ask his favorite question “Is there a point to this conversation?”

I live 3000 miles away. Getting lunch is not possible. He is retired, and has no use for another necktie. The gifts he really wants I simply do not have the power to give.

“Dad, if you want the border protected, talk to the President. I have nothing to do with it.”

“Dad, I have no idea why Californians act like that. No, they are not my people. I just live here. I have already apologized for them.”

“Dad, just because I watch sports does not mean I turn over cars. I have no idea why they do it. No, they are not my people either.”

“Dad, I will get married on my timetable. No, I am not dating anyone seriously. Don’t worry, I will find somebody wonderful for you to hate very soon.”

Some of my dad’s gripes are totally valid. I grew up in a “Father Knows Best” household. Television today treats fathers like imbeciles, just another child for the mother to raise. My father was not a clown. He had a sense of humor, but he was serious about providing for his family. That is serious business.

He did not drink, do drugs, gamble away the rent money or sexually abuse the kids or the animals. Heck, in fact we had dogs, cats, birds, fish and iguanas, and he took care of them, as he did everything else. What was he supposed to do, rely on the kids to do it?

He made it clear when I was a kid that he was not my buddy. He was my father. We were not going to pal around. We still don’t. We have different interests, and lead different lives.

As I have mentioned before, he is a Holocaust survivor. There is not much to say about that except that it rendered him incapable to listen to me complain about how tough social studies class was.

Anyway Mom,  tell Dad he has an exceptional son, and not in the “sit in the back of the little yellow bus” kind of way. So of course you both get a lot of the credit for that.

The truth is Pop, after the year you have had, all I really want for you on Father’s Day is to have what I want for you every day of the year…happiness and health. You had open heart surgery less than two months ago. I am glad you are already fishing again.

For this Father’s Day, I want you to have the peace and quiet that eluded you while trying to raise children, deal with school systems, fix the roof, and deal with local bureaucrats who would not let you rig explosives to the mailbox to deal with the kids that kept bashing it in with baseball bats. I want you to have great weather on Father’s Day so you can go fishing, and not be cooped up inside the house.

I want the batteries on your remote to work properly, since lord knows I know what it is like to get up and have to walk three feet to change the channel. I want somebody somewhere in this world to like the same music as you, because for you to download files, somebody somewhere must have them.

Dad, I know you like brevity, so Mom can condense this column and just give you the fine points. I will make sure the phone call tomorrow is brief and to the point. The bottom line is I love you, and I wish many years of health and happiness to come.

Oh, and I have not done anything in the last few weeks that would cause you or Mom to have to change your last name or move addresses again.

I also checked the local milk cartons, and none of the kids are mine.

I am alcohol, drug and disease free, so between you and Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no” campaign, I turned out alright.

No, I will not stop watching football. I know you don’t get it. That’s ok. I don’t have to like the things you are interested in to love you as my dad. This is good, because I usually don’t like them.

Also, don’t tell me the next time I call that you are watching the Sopranos. I happen to know the show is over. I know, Thursdays is House. Mom can let me know about any other scheduling conflicts.

Happy Father’s Day Dad. Oh, and wish Mom a Happy Mother’s Day for next year so I can get a head start, again in case I forget.

I love you both. Now can I go back to watching tv, since I know you want to do that as well? I watch Letterman, and you watch Leno, and some gaps cannot be overcome.

You know Dad, as much as I would have liked to have been the product of inherited wealth, for non-millionaires, you are the best parents a guy could ask for. No, I am not asking for money, I mean it. No, I did not get in trouble, I am saying it anyway.

I love you both. Happy Useless Symbolic Holiday, and Dad, good health and happiness always. You can’t be as cantankerous as you’re sometimes made out to be, because too many people are delighted to still have you around.

Oh, and about that incident involving me, the neighbor’s mountain goat, my Asian friend, and beefaroni flavored pasta…don’t read the paper today. I will talk to you about it another day. I would rather you have a peaceful Father’s Day.

eric

Apparently Fatah and Hamas killing each other is just not sexy enough for the media, which never seems interested in winning the war against nonsense. It is in that spirit that the latest smackdown between Rosie “Queen of Morona” O’Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck comes into play. Rosie repeatedly lashed out at Elizabeth for having the nerve to not defend her for lashing out repeatedly. Then Rosie, after repeatedly fighting with Elizabeth, said she was not going to fight with her. She said:

“I am not going to fight her because tomorrow the media will blame Ugly, Fat, Lesbian, Loud Rosie for picking on Pure, Innocent, Christian Elizabeth.”

I have to give Rosie this…she managed to offend virtually every group in society in one sentence. She played the victim card, and to the hilt. Critics of Rosie (yes, hopefully they are many) should not take the bait.

Do not attack her for being fat. Rush Limbaugh is fat. So are other people that are not Rosie. She is blameless for her weight, at least in terms of it being a reason to attack her.

Do not attack her for being ugly. Nobody on the show or in the media called her ugly. She said that about herself. Yes, she was claiming the media would say it about her, but that was an attempt at self inoculation. Rosie is ugly, but it is her insides that are truly hideous. That is fair game. She is blameless for her outsides. She is 100% to blame for her insides. Her being a lesbian is irrelevant. Plenty of homosexual people contribute positive elements to society. Rosie is not one of them.

Rosie is trying to pretend that an attack on her is an attack on all lesbians or overweight people. Attack Rosie, and become a sexist homophobe. She is not the first person to abuse this strategy.

Hillary Clinton decks her political opponents, and then plays the girlie girl routine the minute anyone criticizes her about anything. This is how her husband can abuse women, and blame it on a right wing conspiracy. Like Newt Gingrich forced Bill into a room with Monica by waving a steak and saying “Go get her boy.”

Jim McGreevey is the  corrupt former governor of New Jersey (I know, they all seem corrupt, even by Jersey standards McGreevey was special) who also happens to be gay. Upon resigning in disgrace, McGreevey said that the world was not ready for a gay governor. No Mr. McGreevey. New Jersey was tired of your corruption. Being too corrupt to run New Jersey means you are really far gone.

Rosie O’Donnell not only tried to inoculate herself, but she also lashed out at Elizabeth for having the nerve to being a member of a beautiful religious faith, that being Christianity.

After telling Elizabeth that no one wants to hear her “republican crap,” Rosie began spewing left wing venom herself. Christians are often accused of bigotry, but the only person throwing around ahte speech was Rosie.

Rosie, I will put it in language that even you the Queen of Morona can understand. I could care less if you are fat, ugly and a daughter of Sappho. I care that you are an ideological bigot. You despise republicans, conservatives and Christians.

Elizabeth is a sweet, kind woman who conducts herself with dignity. Rosie is a vicious bully with no regard for human decency. Elizabeth raises the level of public discourse, and Rosie lowers it. Rosie cannot leave the View soon enough. She is hate speech, and hate speech is her.  There is no place for her in civilized society any more.  Oh no, wait…she can sit next to Jimmy Carter in his luxury box at the democratic convention, like Michael Moore did. Then again, I did say civilized, so there is still no place for her hate filled invective anywhere in that society.

Good job Elizabeth. Deck this bully verbally between the eyes. America will still see you as the sweet, pure Christian that you are. As for Rosie, she knows what she is. She told us herself on television, for all to see.

eric

I called my mom today to wish her a happy useless symbolic holiday.

No, I am not the worst son on the planet. I am not even in the worst 100. It is just that I was born to parents who simply do not care about holidays. This is not reverse psychology on their part. They just don’t care. I have never understood this, and I plan to make a big deal out of every holiday known to man when I have own family. Here is a contrast, from the beginning to the end of the calendar.

New Year’s Day–I have to find the biggest party in the biggest city with millions of people, be it Vegas, New Orleans, or Los Angeles. I somehow stagger out of bed to watch all the bowl games. My parents get up early, partly because they fell asleep the night before at 11pm and missed the ball drop, partly because they do not want to be slothful like me. They would not know a football from a meatball. My dad remarks that the Rose Bowl is as interesting to him as the toilet bowl.

President’s Day–I am grateful for the day off. My parents are reminiscent of when Washington and Lincoln were worth separate days. Given that my parents are retired, I am at a loss as to why this concerns them.

Purim–I spend days perfecting my costumes and going to every party on the planet. My parents wonder when I am going to grow up.

Passover–I go to Seders because I enjoy them. My dad goes to one sometimes to keep my mom happy. We never had one in my home because the grandparents handled that.

Mother’s Day–I am exhausted from Cinco De Mayo or whatever other party was that week. I staggered out of bed today at 1pm, and wished my mom a Happy Mother’s Day. I didn’t get her flowers or a card because she finds that stuff useless and cluttering. She read a book and typed stuff on the computer, which coincidentally she did yesterday, and will do tomorrow. If I want to be a good son, she wants me to just live a good life.

Father’s Day–Like my dad needs a necktie. He is retired. The phone call is not to interrupt his tv show.  If I want to be a good son, spare the useless gifts and succeed at my job, have a decent haircut, shave, meet a nice girl , put money away for retirement,  and stop flying so much.  Every time a plane crashes, he worries. I wish him Happy Father’s Day anyway, and he repeats his litany of what he wants.

Independence Day–This one is a major deal for me. I break out the Toby Keith, the Mellencamp, and the Springsteen. I need a barbecue with lots of friends. My parents see a kid blowing his hand off with a roman candle on tv and pray I am smart enough not to do so. The fireworks used to disrupt the dogs, they remind me. We no longer have dogs, but my parents wish people could celebrate quietly.

August–No holidays. I plan everything through the end of the year. My parents sit, watch tv, and relax…the same as the other 11 months.

Labor Day–I am excited because the following week, football season starts. My dad worries that my intelligence level will drop because football season starts. He thinks we should have a holiday called “Shut the hell up and go to work day,” rather than give my  lazy generation a day off. Nothing we do resembles labor, since we sit at desks and do not build buildings with our bare hands.

Halloween–This is the big one. I again pick out tons of costumes, spend months preparing, and go to every party, dragging things out a whole week. My parents wonder when I will grow up, the same as the other 364 days a year. I did stop trick or treating when I was 22, but costume parties…come on, that is for adults as well. Women dress up slutty. As I said, my favorite holiday.

Thanksgiving–We never celebrated this in my house. I would eat a Swanson dinner. To this day, if no one is around, I eat my Swanson Dinner, watch the Lions and the Cowboys, and relax. My parents do not like football, but they do sit and read books or watch tv.

Hanukkah–8 days of partying, which I do from coast to coast. I have been in 4 different cities the last 2 years over the 8 days. My mom does light the candles, and I do visit my parents around this time of year. My dad remarks that I should find a nice girl, and then when I tell them I am going to Hanukkah parties, my dad asks which bimbo I am chasing this time. I tell them they are nice girls, and he responds that they are all nice girls, and I have no taste.

New Year’s Eve–I call my parents at 10pm to see if they are still awake. They wish me a Happy New Year, tell me they love me, and ask me if I have plans to start the new year properly. I tell them I plan to sleep in and then watch football, and then both they and I lose interest in the conversation.

I genuinely love my parents dearly. They are good people. For whatever reason, they simply do not get worked up over holidays. They never have.

It makes for a less stressful relationship. Some people have a month of stress trying to find dad the perfect necktie. I just have to roll out of bed, and make a perfunctory phone call that he could care less about receiving.

I sometimes think that they do not celebrate holidays because every day of having me as their son is a holiday. They reject that notion. Besides, if somebody ever created a holiday called “Tuck in your shirt, get a haircut, and shave day,” they would absolutely celebrate it with enthusiasm.

All I know is my future family had better be prepared. Everything is a big deal. I grew up watching the Cosby Show, and everybody is going to be gathered around my table.

Then again, with all the horror stories about people sitting down to dinner and fighting, perhaps I am better off knowing that my parents don’t need balloons, parades or fancy meals to know that I love them or vice versa.

I do call to wish them happy birthday, but they just sit and watch tv and relax. I naturally throw a big party and invite the world.

I love you mom. Happy useless symbolic holiday. I love you too dad. Happy useless symbolic holiday in advance, in case I forget to call. It is Sunday. As always, I will give you the best gift that you always wanted, the one you never had when I was growing up…peace and quiet. I will call in the afternoon so as not to wake you up. Ok, who am I kidding, you will be up 5 or 6 hours before me anyway. I will call you inthe afternoon so I can sleep in and get peace and quiet.

I would ask you when “son” day is, but then you would remark about how every day for 18 years was son day, and that you have the grocery bills to prove it.

I could send you a cd of Madonna singing “Holiday,” but you would use it as a coaster. Then you would tell me that you used to listen to “The Coasters,” who sing “Yakkety Yak, don’t talk back,” which is actually something that would make your day ideal if I ever decide to follow that advice.

I love you both. May you be around for many useless symbolic holidays for a long time to come. In my home, they will be a big deal, but don’t worry. You do not have to come or bring presents. 3000 miles is alot to travel for a useless symbolic gesture. A phone call will suffice. Actually, scratch that. Send lots of presents. In fact, any gift you have that you hate, just send it to me. Anything from precious metals to McDonalds gift certificates would be cherished.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

eric

Well Folks, it was bound to happen. I have been banned from the blogosphere. Well, a portion of it anyway. When I started blogging a couple months ago, I made sure to be very careful not to say or do anything that could be considered hate speech. I did write about sensitive topics in a provocative manner, but certainly not with any malice. Apparently I was not banned for anything resembling hate speech, but for violating a rule known as “spamming.” Now to me, spamming is when one floods the internet with the same thing over and over for the purpose of disruption. Apparently, my lack of knowledge about the process was seen as an act of war.  While normally I would spare the name of the offended entity,  in this case I feel comfortable mentioning that is the Jewish Journal only because a couple of the articles I posted dealt with intolerance in the Jewish community towards fellow Jews.

The process started amicably enough. I posted four unrelated articles. One dealt with the French election, another about kosher food, and another one about rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg. A few minutes later I noticed that the article dealing with Snoop Doggy Dogg had been deleted. I then received the following email from the “webmaster”:

“Hey Eric! Shalom! I killed your Snoop post ’cause it was way off topic, and moved your Sarkozy post to the French elections thread. Otherwise, rock on!”

He seemed friendly enough. In my mind my Snoop Doggy Dogg  article was topical because it dealt with the whole Al Sharpton Gangsta Rap crusade that emanated in the wake of the Don Imus scandal. Also, I did not know that two completely different articles about the French election had to be under the same heading. No matter. I sent an email to the webmaster asking for clarification.

“I was wondering why the Snoop Doggy Dogg post was deleted. It was about Al Sharpton suddenly waging war on Gangsta rap. Anyway, I am new to the blogosphere, so please answer some questions for me when you have time. 1) Is four the maximum number of allowable posts? There were other things I wanted to post tonight. 2) How do I know what is off limits in terms of topics? I have written several columns about the various Presidential Candidates, as well as some columns dealing with the Virginia Tech Massacre. Is that considered “old news” already (it was just mentioned on the news 5 minutes ago)?
3) My dad just had open heart surgery 2 weeks ago (he is fine) and I wrote a tribute to him. Is that something acceptable to post even though it’s not a political or cultural issue?”

He replied “There is no numerical limit or anything like that. It is always advisable to add one’s comments to an already existing thread, i.e., the French elections thread, than start a new topic. I’d advise you to read a bit more before you jump in make a lot of noise —
that we’ll you’ll get a better feel for what goes on here. Snoop, and rev Sharpton, etc., old news, unless we have an Imus thread — add it there. By the way, our message boards are not “the blogosphere” — we’ve been around much longer than blogs, and I remember message board wars between the Armenians and Turks when I first got online, circa 1993. The idea here is conversation.  I hope you’ll join in! And please, call me (name withheld).”

I read the various topics, and noticed that nobody was writing about the 2008 Presidential campaign or the War on Terror. What could be more relevant than that? Just because the Jewish Journal skews politically to the left (It is Jewish after all), surely some posts about the defining issues of our time would be appropriate. I posted several posts, each one dealing with a different Presidential candidate. I wrote about Romney, McCain, Thompson (Fred), Gingrich, Giuliani, etc. I also wrote about Dick Cheney from a Jewish perspective. I was surprised to read another email from the Jewish Journal webmaster, this time in a hostile tone.

“You have abused our hospitality and disregarded my advice. As far as I am concerned you are a spammer, filling up our message boards with the same message, repeated over and over. Did you not read that OFF TOPIC posts will be deleted? I have removed all your posts and deleted your user ID. Go back to your blog — maybe someone will read your stuff there. Our forum is not your playground.”

I did out of pure graciousness send the webmaster an email explaining that in my mind, I absolutely was following his instructions, unclear as they were. He then sent me a link to “message board nettiquette.”

Now I read the Jewish Journal. Politically, it is a liberal disaster, but a plurality of the columnists are quite thoughtful and thought provoking. I have met people from the magazine and found them friendly and courteous. Occasionally the Journal wades into territory that would fall under the  “mind your own d@mn business” category (Jews taking sides in the Armenian vs Turkey dispute makes as much sense as Portugal analyzing the Arab-Israeli Conflict. We should be happy two nations do not hate us, and try to increase the number, not decrease it).

However, this experience does not cast the Jewish Journal in a positive light. I am a believer that intelligent questions should be answered in an intelligent manner. Hostility should be reserved for those who engage in hate speech. I find it ironic that the Huffington Post can allow people to compare President Bush to Hitler, but a Jewish message board will not let me post about Republican presidential candidates in a positive light. Ironically enough, the very last post I wrote about was “ideological bigotry.”

Luther Campbell of and 2 Live Crew only increased in popularity after being banned. They put out “Banned in the USA,” and were rewarded, deservedly so.

I have alot to learn about this www.comgovorgtypestuff.huh. What I do know is that even though message boards are not democracies, they are there to promote dialogue. They should be run by people who believe in discussion, not ranting and raving at honest mistakes. Once again, a member of my own community chooses to have problems with writing that no other site has objected to…not once.

I shall continue to educate liberal Jews on how to become normal, tolerant people.

“Listen up y’all, to what I say…I won’t be banned in the USA.”

Ok Blogosphere. Time to try this again. Hello!

eric