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Black Friday–Calling Gloria Gaynor

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

Black Friday was a black as midnight hell for the Tygrrrr Express, seeing as my internet was down all day.

First of all, to those who find that on rare occasions I am slow to approve comments, don’t take it personally. We are all at the mercy of this dubya dot com gov org type stuff. If you are a liberal, knock off the conspiracy theories. I will not make any effort to prove to you that I am fair. I don’t have to do so. Your opinion will not change my blog. For those who are frequent visitors and commenters on my blog, I do regret the delay.

Just know that getting back online cost me a new modem, since the one I had was apparently FUBAR.

Yes, against my will, my desire to do my column forced me out of the house on a day when I would have rather stayed in and relaxed, which is almost every day. I had to go out on Black Friday. Like Gloria Gaynor, I survived.

I have learned several things about life since I first started going online.

One thing I am sure of is that it is not possible…repeat not possible…to have a serious conversation with a potential romantic partner over instant messenger.

Try it, and see the situation blow up like a liberal after finding out conservatives legally have a right to exist.

Instant messenger may be real time, but it is not real life. You cannot convey feelings, emotions, and facial expressions this way. The potential for misunderstanding is ginormous. I have had women get angry at me for everything from being too slow to answer (the phone rang) to being unable to answer (spilled a beverage, had to clean it up). Women who are pleasant on instant messenger can still be a nightmare in real life, but women who are hostile on instant messenger will not be normal or pleasant outside of the computer.

I received an im from one wack job who declared “I have reached a decision on whether or not I should get to know you. Call me or im me to know what decision I reached.” This was 24 hours after listening to her scream on the telephone about something that was consequential to her and nobody else on this Earth.

I responded by replying, “You were a complete b*tch last night. Take your decision and stick it somewhere tight. Done.”

Now as much as I do hate having to speak in such a salty manner, fighting with people over instant messenger is nonsensical.

Yet as awful as it is to have to deal with a progesterone attack by im, this is not nearly as bad as not having the ability to im at all. I need internet access to get done many things in my life. Some people ask what I do about internet access when I go camping, and my response is that while I have heard of this camping thing, I was unaware of what it actually is, and I have no desire to learn.

A power failure on Thanksgiving destroyed my internet access. After talking to people in India, I again began to get the feeling that maybe Lou Dobbs is not wrong. I pictured Purvez Musharraf of Pakistan releasing a mushroom cloud over all of India, forcing my ISP to hire American tech support people.

I am not proud of feeling this way. I just know that anybody who restricts my ability to use the internet in my own home must be shot on sight.

I hung out with my close friend today, and while we were hanging out I took the time out to hit on the girl at the next table. The woman was gorgeous, intelligent, and incredibly enjoyable to converse with. Even I was surprised at my ability to be a pleasant conversationalist given that the moment she left I went back to thinking about ways to ban all immigrants from working tech support jobs. If they want to pick vegetables, I can live with that. For one thing, I hate vegetables, so I would not be impacted.

For those who think this is immigrant bashing, just know that white Americans born and raised in America who speak perfect English will feel an equal amount of wrath if my internet access gets jacked up and they either caused the problem or are unable to fix it.

My plan was to go to the mall today, and observe soccer moms engaging in road rage with their shopping carts in an attempt to teach their children about peace and love by cursing each other out so they can get the last supply of a toy that they need to bribe their children with because the toy companies demand that this be done.

So yes, I was going to spend the day observing angry humans and their behaviors. I did not expect or desire to be my own case study.

The bottom line is that unlike other lucky individuals, I depend on the internet for much of my needs. Yes, the only reason I got internet access a decade ago was to meet cybersluts, and to try and turn them into phone sluts and real life humping around. However, going on Ebay allows me to avoid the malls (yes, the food courts are awesome, but my neighborhood just opened a Taco Bell today, so the food court has some competition). Jdate allows me to make sure that potential concubines are of the Hebrew faith. I can track my stocks online, and most importantly, analyze the National Football League before, during, and after the games.

At 6:45pm, I was able to check my email, which told me about a dinner party starting at 6:30pm. The world would have survived like Gloria Gaynor if my Friday night was pure suckville, but the world is better off when I am in a good mood. Trust me on this one. Luckily, the Hebrew community has something called “Jewish Standard Time,” which means running late is allowed.

I tried to stop at the 7-11 to get something for the dinner, and my desire to blame the clerk behind the counter for not having what I needed was overruled by the police officer hanging out stereotypically right near the donuts. To make the night complete, my former roommates showed up, and in 60 seconds reminded me why I evicted them. It was ironic I saw them on this very day, since I bought a new webcam to replace the one they destroyed. I would sell these two girls into slavery (yeah, I lived with a couple women, it was not fun, never again outside of romance), but there would not be any takers.

I got to the dinner in the nick of time, and was shocked to find out that they needed somebody to give a 5 minute lecture on any relevant topic. Given 5 minutes to prepare, I spoke about Jewish assimilation into American culture, and whether or not this was good or bad for the Jewish community.

The lecture went over well, and the night was complete with a Karaoke session. Although I did not pick the song, Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive,” was sung by many in the room.

I did not sing or dance, because as the Kevin Kline movie “In n Out” reminds us, “Men don’t dance. They work. They drink. They have bad backs. Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t dance (True Lies notwithstanding). Arnold can barely walk.

The song is also used in the Keanu Reeves movie “The Replacements,” which is about football, making it one of the best movies ever made.

So while decent society benefitted from my suffering, I was just glad that Black Friday came to a miserable close without me going postal.

I know that other people worry about things like homelessness, hunger, and other issues that have nothing to do with my DSL connection, I am sure God will smack me around when it is time for him to do so. As long as I am on Earth, I am going to focus on my struggles.

Today was a rough one, and at first when my connection to the internet did not work, I was afraid. In fact, I was petrified. My ISP did me wrong, and I had no idea how I would get along.

Yet now I am back…in cyberspace. I need to find a cyberslut and get that look upon her face. I need to continue writing schlock, I need to continue babbling about me, I need to write about Iraq, and then scream at my ISP.

I still hate Al Queda more than my ISP, but it’s a close vote.

Then again, I did not have to brave the mall today. So between seeing my friend, meeting a hot girl, and having a lunch filled with red meat and loaded potatoes, the day could have been worse. Besides, despite the Indian conspiracy against me, my internet access is back.

Like Gloria Gaynor, I made it through the blackest of Black Fridays. I survived.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

Walruses in sports

Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

Several months ago I analyzed whether or not C3PO was homosexual, and what the political orientation of the Fraggles were. For those who wonder what else guys discuss when watching the game, a frequent topic of conversation in my home is which people involved in sports look like walruses.

While nobody will ever reach the mythical of status of the Monopoly Guy or Wilford Brimley, hefty mustachioed men deserve their own exclusive club. Since America loves winners, only champions are allowed in this arbitrary walrus club. Having said that, the list has been compiled after years of debate.

Craig Stadler–The original sports walrus. Golf may be boring, but he has passed his gift onto his son Kevin, who insists he is not the Walrus. He should not be confused with Statler from the Muppets, who was not a walrus, but did hang out with a Waldorf, while criticizing the show from the balcony. They were armchair quarterbacks, which is a sport. I forget which one had the mustache.

Jerry Reuss–This mainstay of the Los Angeles Dodgers deserves to be one of the original sports walruses.

After that, like a bushy mustache, the list gets fuzzy. First, we turn to the National Football League.

Mike Holmgren, Head Coach, Seattle Seahawks and Green Bay Packers–Definitely a walrus. In the NFL, he is the Walrus. Legend has it that in the mid 1990s, he was trying to lecture Brett Favre on the sidelines when Favre started spacing out. It was a snowy day in Green Bay, and icicles had frozen Holmgen’s mustache. After repeatedly asking Favre whether he wanted to run or pass, and then saying he was going to shake Favre if he did not say something, Favre replied, “Coach, you should see your mustache.” In addition, Holmgren has won a Super Bowl. All Hail the Holmgren.

Andy Reid, Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles–Walrus Lite. I am hesitant to upgrade him to full walrus status, since the Eagles have yet to win a Super Bowl. He is Walrus Lite, not Walrus Light, because as one friend says, “There is nothing light about Andy Reid.” Upon his winning a championship, he will get the full walrus upgrade.

Brad Childress, Head Coach, Minnesota Vikings–Can we have a bald walrus? A check of the rules says that nothing prohibits this. However, he needs to pack on 100 pounds or so. Also, he needs to make the playoffs, much less win a Super Bowl. Given that being on Mike Holmgren’s staff allows Andy Reid to be Walrus Lite, Brad Childress being a former member of Andy Reid’s staff allows him to have the moniker of “Walrus III.”

Shifting to the National Hockey League, Ken Hitchcock is a walrus. He did not win with the Philadelphia Flyers, but he did win with the Dallas Stars. One point of contention was that he eventually shaved his mustache. Nevertheless, he did have one when he won the Stanley Cup, and he could grow it back. As one of my friends says, “That is a man in need of a low carb diet.” He gets grandfathered in, since many grandfathers are heavy fellows with mustaches.

With regards to Major League Baseball, Rollie Fingers does not get to join Jerry Reuss. If it were a handlebar mustache competition, Rollie would win hair down. The guy had plenty of saves, but never packed on the pounds. This is not the 1960s. This is the Bush administration, and mustaches must be bushy.

The National Basketball Association, thanks to Michael Jordan, should be renamed the National Bald Association. Again, if this were a club for bald guys, the NBA would win lack of hair down. However, these guys are simply too folliclely challenged to receive entry.

Shifting back to the National Football League, a question came up about whether there could be black walruses. A reading of the rules did not show any prohibitions. The problem then became that no black coach had won a championship until Tony Dungy, whose kindness makes him closer to a baby seal than a walrus. However, in the spirit of the “Rooney Rule” that has increased minority hiring, it is fair to say that the lack of black hiring gave black coaches a much slower start on winning Super Bowls. Therefore, the championship exemption can be waived for a qualified black walrus.

While former Oakland Raiders Coach Art Shell and Former Vikings and Cardinals Coach Dennis Green present strong applications, their trips to the playoffs were less than stellar.

Art Shell did get to the AFC Title Game, but lost 51-3. Dennis Green lost virtually every playoff game he was in, and the NFC Title Game against the Giants was a 41-0 defeat. Also, the 1998 Vikings collapse to the Atlanta Falcons was inexcusable.

Also, Art Shell and Dennis Green had talent. Mike Holmgren and Andy Reid took over losers. Therefore, starting from scratch earns more prestige. NBA Coach Phil Jackson is more Zen-Mastery than walrusy, but he is too thin, and started with too much, 9 championships notwithstanding.

Therefore, the first Black Walrus belongs to a man who has done so much with so little. Congratulations Romeo Crennel. It took a double doinker and a multi minute delay, but these Cleveland Browns have reincarnated the old Cardiac Kids. You have several rings as an assistant coach, and while assistant rings do not count (Art Shell and Dennis Green have them), all you had when you started were some nondescript people wearing the Cleveland uniforms, and some very passionate fans in the Dawg Pound. Your blue collar team keeps fighting, and even if it takes Phil Dawson 10 minutes to make a field goal, that game will be replayed 100 years from now.

Life is about legacies, and Super Bowls notwithstanding, you are the coach who presided over the double doinker win. It was not the greatest game ever played, but then again 2007 is not 1958. Congratulations Mr. Crennel. You are a walrus.

If His Royal Hairness could just get a comb and fix whatever that thing on his head is, Boxing Promoter Don King could be the most verbose walrus on the planet. Speaking of fixing, Don King could fix this contest as well, but so far there is no evidence of his trying to rig the walrus standings.

For sports announcers, Paul Maguire is absolutely a walrus. He is a champion for his one liners at the expense of Joe Theismann for so many years.

At some point in the future, political walruses will be discussed. Saddam Hussein will not be included because genocidal lunatics are denied initiation into this friendly furry club.

All acknowledge and beam with pride over walruses in sports everywhere.

Koo Koo Ke Choo.

eric

Posted in SPORTS, Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

Warped fake headlines

Saturday, November 17th, 2007

To the detriment of decent society everywhere, I as a blogger am not part of any current writer’s strike.

Somebody once asked me what I would do if I had writers block. Thankfully this almost never happens, but when it does, I can always dip into the vault of my memory bank and pull out the bizarre warped thoughts that make me so special in a “little yellow back of the bus” kind of way.

Fake headlines are more fun anyway. Jack Nicholson reminds me that I “can’t handle the truth!” Stephen Colbert has a fake news show. “The Onion” has brilliant fake headlines.

My favorite fake headlines came in an episode of “Newhart” back in the 1980s. Desperate to increase ratings, the sleazy character played by Peter Scolari came up with fake news headlines to attract viewers.

“President dead, details at 11.” It was a documentary on Calvin Coolidge.

“GM cars being recalled. Details at 11.” There was an old guy reminiscing. “I recall when I bought my GM truck back in 1972. It was blue.”

I think of fake headlines because I wonder what screws came loose to cause me to think about this stuff. Anyway, here are some fake news stories. Unlike CBS memos, they are not “fake but accurate.” They are fake and inaccurate. Unlike the slogan for Fox News, I remain, “Fair, but completely unbalanced (in more ways than one).”

I don’t care what anybody says. Anita Hill was lying. She did not get sexually harassed by Isaiah Thomas. It is one thing to blame him for the Knicks being a terrible franchise, but why can’t Miss Hill mind her own d@mn business? For all you doubting Thomases out there, I am not doubting the Thomases. Clarence was innocent of harassing Ms. Hill, and so is Isaiah. Additionally, so is Susan Thomases, although given her affiliation with the Clinton campaign, she knows somebody who harassed somebody.

I know all about Dick Cheney’s hunting trip, and it is not true. He did not shoot Dan Quayle. I know politics is rough, and primaries can get vicious, but neither of them are running for President this year, and there was plenty of room for both of them to be Vice President, just not at the same time. He did not shoot Mr. Quayle, stuff him into a bag, and deliver him home for dinner. Mr. Cheney is not a cannibal, and Mr. Quayle is perfectly fine. The fact that he is not in the news lately is because unlike some politicians who refuse to go away, he is married to a hot woman, and now has time for quiet time with her.

Despite having perfect hair, Presidential Candidate John Edwards does not speak to the dead. Yes, as a trial lawyer, he pretended to speak to dead victims to win large awards and bankrupt hospitals. However, the closest he has come to speaking to the stiffs are his conversations with Al Gore and John Kerry. In even more disturbing news, the other John Edwards does not have perfect hair.

O.J. Simpson is not a fan of Guns n Roses, and they could care less of him. Yes, the guitarist is Slash, and he does slash and burn, but only with his guitar. The only thing he has ever killed is his own body, and usually in the form of violent hard drinking. Both of these men had autobiographies get prepared recently, but only Slash made it to the marketplace.

Despite George Clooney being one of the scariest people on Earth, the man who put the looney in Clooney, he is not in the same situation as psycho Norman Bates. While Norman Bates and his mother were the same person, George and Rosemary are two different people. Rosemary may have had girth, but her proportions were miniscule compared to George’s ego. In other left wing news about irrelevant liberals, Olympia and Michael Dukakis are not the same person either. As awful as he was as the governor of Taxachussetts, he never did anything as wretchedly bad as Steel Magnolias. In all fairness, Olympia only gets 17-20% of the blame for that movie. Given that he lost the election 20 years ago, this joke is as outdated as a Fried Green Tomato.

Barry Bonds’s middle name is not “bail.” He is absolutely not opening up a bail shop for other sports felons known as “Bonds’s Bonds.” While he does have an interesting storyline, it is not true that this is a sad day for baseball because baseball has a much sadder storyline, that being that the game of baseball itself is incredibly boring. Also, it is a complete lie that in an effort to promote racial healing, Dog the Bounty Hunter will be pursuing Barry Bonds.

Michael Jordan will not be changing his initials or giving himself a middle name to avoid having the same initials as Michael Jackson or Marion Jones. Jordan is the original MJ, and as of now he has not been accused of doping up young children and then molesting them. It is an outrage that just because he played on a team with Dennis Rodman that he has to be treated as a drain on society.

General David Petraeus is not doing product endorsements for Viagra, and he resents his wife being interviewed and asked if “the surge is working” since he started medicating. The man is trying to win the War on Terror, and if you were surrounded by terrorists who think goats are life partners, you would miss your wife more than normal as well.

Former NBA basketball player Kerry Kittles may have the most adorable name in all of sports (With Kelly Tripucka being the most grossly named), he is not doing product endorsements for “Hello Kitty” products. He has not appeared on any merchandise with a cute little duck known as “Ahiru No Pekkle.” Also, he did not get the prized cat food endorsement that some athletes crave. Therefore, he did not earn the nickname of Kerry “Tender Vittles” Kittles.

Lastly, just because I am a republican willing to cross party lines to get some 13th century style loving does not mean I ever tried to take a backhand to Hillary’s badonkadonk. I never tapped it, slapped it, wrapped it, or zapped it, and despite rumors to the contrary, I bet Bill Clinton did. After all, they have a daughter. Also, while Christie Hefner is politically left wing, she does not put older bottoms ahead of the bottom line, regardless of political affiliation. That is why republican Shannon Doherty posed for playboy, while Hil-Dawg remains a Larry Craig fantasy, with toe tapping being one step on the path to hide slapping.

No, I did not mail it in, even though the post office was open today. I emailed it in. I would apologize for this column, but rumors have it that if I apologized for every column that was disappointing, I would have no columns. Of course, that is false as well. Like a blinking VCR, I am sure I wrote something intelligent somewhere at some point.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized | 30 Comments »

My Most Passionate Fan Base

Tuesday, November 13th, 2007

For those who read my blog on a semi regular basis, I competed in the Bloggers Choice Awards for best political blog. I fought the Daily Kossacks, and took them down, finishing in the top three, as Kos finished fourth. Two days after the contest ended, a ton of my votes were invalidated. This was not a left wing conspiracy, but it was in my mind a computer glitch. I asked my audience to make their presence known.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/10/voting-irregularities-at-the-bloggers-choice-awards/

My lord, did you ever!

You sent emails, you made phone calls, and you let the people putting on the Bloggers Choice Awards know that you mattered. This was not about me. It was about each and every one of you.

Two days before the event, I was on the phone with the CEO of the company putting on the awards show. The conversations were civil and cordial, and while there was not 100% agreement, he made it clear that he got the message. He understood that this was controversial. We spoke at length, and a compromise was reached that I was perfectly ok with. I was asked not to disclose the details until after Saturday night, and between NFL Sunday and Veteran’s Day, I held off until today.

Daily Kos did not win the award for best political blog. For this everybody who has a sense of decency can be thankful. Even if all my votes had counted, there is no guarantee I would have been # 1, only that I had defeated the Kossacks. I expected the winner to be a guy named Angry Harry, but although he was the frontrunner the whole time, the second place person stormed to a win. The site is Feministing, a combination between Feminism and Fisting. Hey, they are not delicate flowers. They are the polar opposite of me, but that makes the world goes round. Also, unlike the Kossacks, they do not spread hatred, not even of men.

So Feministing won for best political blog…but I won as well. The person behind the Bloggers Choice Awards felt giving me the political award would not be fair, and plus, I did not want a tainted award. I wanted an award I had earned. Therefore, he explained to me that with complete credibility that THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS IS THE 2007 BLOGGERS CHOICE AWARDS WINNER FOR “MOST PASSIONATE FAN BASE.”

I won this award, and I earned it BECAUSE OF YOU.

I am the least humble guy you will ever encounter. I have the grace and subtlety of a battering ram. Yet some of you were ready to engage in guerilla warfare, and I am humbled by that.

I am thankful to guys like Mickey and Jersey. These two guys could not be more different, but they enhance the debate on my blog, and they are both good guys, and hopefully will agree with me on this point regarding each other.

Snooper, Spree and others have constantly encouraged me. Chad at the Grizzly Groundswell has been great, as has Vontwiss at Stumbleupon. So have the guys behind Justblogbaby. Pastor Ed of Boston was inspirational.

Sometimes my fans even get angry with me when I refuse to write about certain topics. Yet my fans are honest, and absolutely passionate about the issues they care about.

I am glad this controversy is done, because I am not a politician, and asking people to vote for me makes me uncomfortable. Heck, every minute I spent on websites meeting new people for the purpose of politics was time spent away from Jdate and romance. I have other controversies to start and other people to inflame.

I have a fabulous life, and win or lose, this experience made me a ton of new friends. I am eternally grateful. Some liberals even voted for me not because they agreed with me, but because they liked my writing style.

So what happens next? I continue to write, and with help from God, write well.

Besides, how many conservative republicans express unhealthy fantasies about octogenarians (Bea Arthur) and 300 pound black women (Monique from Showtime at the Apollo)?

How many conservative republicans know what a “badonkadonk” is, and badly want to grab it? I may disagree with Hillary politically, but with those pantsuits, I might cross panty lines…I mean party lines…if she was younger, single, and still had the chunk in the trunk. Also, how many conservative republicans will explain what it means to give a desired lady the ketchup bottle treatment?

So yes, my parents have to frequently change their last names and addresses, but of all the conservative republican blogs out there, I am one of the only ones, if not the only one, that will publicly express that being conservative politically is perfectly compatible with being liberal sexually. I believe in low taxes, winning the War on Terror, and want to make republican Jewish republican brunettes explode in a manner consistent with sexual Fallujah.

Hey, how many conservative republicans have ever mentioned sexual Fallujah?

I write my column because I have screws loose. You read my column because you have screws loose. Being the very best political blog is nice, but having the most passionate fan base is an honor, letting me know I am not alone in this world. Other people are as brilliantly warped as I am, and they share it with me on a daily basis.

My other goal for 2008 with regards to my blog is to grow my readership, and my fan base. Yet growth does not equal passion. It is the passion that counts.

So I will say it one more time because it feels good, and then I will get over myself.

I AM THE 2007 BLOGGERS CHOICE AWARDS WINNER FOR 2007!

ALL HAIL ME. I REIGN SUPREME (well, below God, most elderly people, most people doing volunteer work, and according to many, a ton of bloggers)!

Thank you all. I won because of you.

Let us enjoy this day. Tomorrow it is back to the real work of quality blogging about the NFL, and of course, hard core politics. Time to get ultra serious.

Now to see if this award allows to me to film a “republican Jewish brunettes gone wild” video in my living room. After all, what is a trophy without trophy women?

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized | No Comments »

The Rabbi and the Firefighters

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

Camp offers shelter, peace amid fire chaos

Refusing to leave his retreat, rabbi devotes himself to serving crews battling the Slide blaze.

By Ashley Powers
Los Angeles Times Staff Writer

October 29, 2007

The pairing of the rabbi and the firefighters was a natural one.

He had beds. They had been sleeping on asphalt. He had food and showers. They were grateful.

Rabbi Yosef Brod should have rushed down the mountain a week ago, when the Slide fire was burning toward Camp Gan Israel, the 75-acre Jewish camp he runs in the San Bernardino Mountains. The fire charred nearly 13,000 acres and wiped out 201 homes as it spread.

But Brod, a rabbi with the Chasidic Lubovitch, or Chabad, sect, stayed. “Have a nice day,” he told his employees as they evacuated. “Drive carefully.”

Over the weekend, about a dozen fire engines were parked by the giant Hanukkah candelabra at the camp. One firefighter chatted on a cellphone while another shivered in his boxers. A third asked Brod what the symbols on the cabin doors meant — they were prayer scrolls called mezuzot that are meant to keep their occupants safe.

State prison officials also came by, looking to house inmate mop-up crews in the camp’s bunks.

Brod says he kept the camp open because he believed that God would shelter the pine-shaded site, which the Chabad organization bought for summer and winter camps and weekend retreats. So Brod called his wife after the evacuations were ordered last Monday and said he wouldn’t be driving home to West Hollywood.

“She knew I’m so devoted to this place I wouldn’t leave,” he said. One of his employees stayed, too, and told Brod that, if need be, he would carry the camp director down the mountain.

By midweek, flames were licking the camp’s northern edge, and a firefighting helicopter tapped the camp’s pool for water. Brod ran a hose from a fire hydrant to the pool to keep it full.

He already prays three times a day, but that afternoon, “We prayed with a little more intensity,” Brod said.

The blaze halted about 100 yards from the camp’s wood-shingle main lodge and spared the property’s cellphone towers, basketball court and 16 other buildings.

The blaze had pushed a clutch of soot-dusted firefighters onto the narrow road that curves into the camp. Brod fed them. He offered mattresses and soap.

Down the road from the camp, firefighters had been dozing in pop-up tents, on cots and huddled between engines in a parking lot of the Snow Valley Mountain Resort in Running Springs, where the command center had been set up.

The news of better digs spread quickly.

So many firefighters streamed into Camp Gan Israel that Brod called other rabbis for help.

He found one fire crew sleeping on the grass just outside of camp, and offered them real beds.

“That’s kind of a big deal, to have a bunch of sweaty firemen stomping through your place,” said Ontario Fire Capt. Art Andres. “And this is a place where people pay good money to find rest or peace or something.”

A compact man with black-rimmed glasses, a salt-and-pepper beard and a black yarmulke, Brod held a prayer service for a Jewish firefighter.

On Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath, Brod couldn’t work until after sunset. So firefighters signed themselves in, writing on a yellow legal pad that they had come from departments in Chino, Upland, Rancho Cucamonga, Tuolumne and other places. They ate a traditional stew that had been prepared before sunset the night before, when the Sabbath began.

As the men and women ate each night, Brod shared his interpretation of the week’s events. “One match destroys a thousand homes just like that,” he told firefighters. “If we have the power to destroy the world, we have the power to make it better.”

The firefighters sat in quiet with their thoughts.

Brod slouched on a folding chair in the camp’s restaurant-size kitchen as he recounted the week’s events. A button had popped open on his shirt, but he didn’t notice.

His two cellphones interrupted. A friend in Maryland was checking to see if he was OK. The other caller offered to bring oranges and coffee. Meanwhile, firefighters played billiards and table tennis.

After dinner, Brod went outside and climbed into his white Ford Expedition to check on his guests. He darted past cabins with nearly all the windows lighted, and slowed only to chat with firefighters. Their eyes were weary and their voices hoarse.

“So you own this whole place?” croaked one firefighter.

“God owns the world,” the rabbi replied.

ashley.powers@latimes.com

One of the reasons I published that column in its entirety is because 1000 years from now, it will be relevant.

www.chabad.com

The Rabbi could have easily fled, and nobody would have had a right to criticize him for doing so. Yet he had an opportunity to help people who desperately needed help.

Firefighters are like doctors and nurses. They do double shifts, going hours and hours without sleep. When they do sleep it is often uncomfortable. This time was different. The firefighters had beds to sleep in. This was not a couple firefighters putting out a fire in a home, which is daunting enough. This was an army of firefighters putting out a blaze that was engulfing major swaths of cities across the entire Southern California region. Thanks to this Rabbi, they were given shelter.

In return, the Rabbi kept his property safe. He had hundreds of firefighters protecting him around the clock.

So much good came out of this unique pairing up. The few firefighters that were Jewish did not know that there was an even a Rabbi in this area of Southern California. They now have a spiritual adviser. On a deeper level, some of the firefighters had never met anybody Jewish before. Their first impression of Jewish culture was overwhelmingly positive.

Some would say that this is a story of a kind man doing a good thing, and that his religion is irrelevant. This is false. Would a devoutly religious man of another faith have done the same thing? Absolutely. However, this Rabbi is a representative of Jewish values. These firefighters saw what Judaism is about. Hopefully they will associate “Jews,” and “kindness,” as one and the same.

The building that the Rabbi was defending was a place used for summer and winter camp for young Jewish children. Yet this “camp” is not just about playing. It involves serious learning. Jewish children are taught from Jewish texts, and they are taught Jewish values. The children are taught “Mitzvos,” which is Hebrew for, “good deeds.” The greatest Mitzvah in Judiasm is “Tzedakaha,” which means “charity.”

So yes, a Rabbi engaged in a charitable act so he could defend a place that is primarily designed to teach children about charity.

Problems can spread through communities like wildfire itself. Drugs, crime, and gangs can turn beautiful neighborhoods into havens of despair and hatred.

So can love and peace. They have to be able to be spread. If this is not possible, we should all just give up and let the worst in life win.

Buildings can burn, but souls cannot be left to be incinerated. We are all dust one day, but it does not have to be today.

Yes, this one Rabbi had his home saved because hundreds of firefighters were there to protect him. Yet those firefighters had their job made more than slightly easier thanks to this one Rabbi.

The last several days has seen the worst in humanity. It is saddening and maddening that much of the devastation was the result of arson. It is beneath the layers of these black smoke clouds that silver linings are found. The best in humanity does exist.

Yes it is nice that some people become rock stars, athletes, poets, and investment bankers. They all contribute to the world in their own special way. However, in a world often thought to be fueled by wealth and power, it is a relief to know that some people still care about more than what lines their pockets. They become police officers, firefighters and doctors, to keep their fellow creatures of God healthy and safe. They also become Priests, Reverends, Imams and Rabbis, helping connect people to God, and spreading a message more powerful than any fire…the power of human goodness.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

Death of a child

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

Yesterday, on Halloween, a friend of mine became a proud father.

Today, he is a grieving father. His newborn son died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

I am taking the day off. I don’t feel like blogging today.

May God bless him and his family, and that is that.

http://www.sids.org/

http://www.medindia.net/patients/patientinfo/sleep/support_groups/cot_death_Support_Groups.htm

Here are a couple previous columns of mine.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/08/despite-human-suffering-i-still-believe-in-god/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/07/what-matters-in-life/

Hug your loved ones while you can.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

Hal Levine, Wizards, and Scary Liberals

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Gobhoblins, ghosties, and things that go bump and screech in the night. Ok, enough about Hillary. Happy Hal Levine.

http://michellemalkin.com/2007/10/31/halloweenblogging/

http://www.townhall.com/columnists/MaryKatharineHam/2007/10/31/dem_debate_the_good,_the_bad,_and_the_hillary_moments

http://michellemalkin.com/2008/10/31/happy-obamaween/

I decided not to watch the demagoguic party debate on MSNBC for the same reason I skipped the Laker game. October 31st is Halloween, and I did not want to be scared the night before to the point where Halloween itself would be anticlimactic. Before getting into my favorite Halloween stories, it turns out the democrats running for President were all cast members in the Wizard of Oz. They live in fantasyland, so this makes sense. Nevertheless, the cast was surprising.

Hillary Clinton—Shockingly enough she was not the Wicked Witch, because that would be too easy. She is the Tin Man. The Tin Man is not a bad person. He is just devoid of any human emotions and feelings. He is a robot, and cannot understand issues that human beings deal with.

Barack O’Bama—He is the Scarecrow. The Scarecrow is a nice guy who just does not contribute anything intellectually. He is not stupid, just naïve. He has a childlike innocence that leaves him unprepared to understand adult conversations in a serious world. Given that this movie happened before World War II in the same way Barack O’Bama exists pre-9/11, the naivety is understandable.

John Edwards—No, he is not Dorothy. Again, that would be too obvious. He is the Cowardly Lion. He does not want to deal with conflict. He wants to cut and run. He wants to revert to a safe tree house and play childlike games. Again, the Cowardly Lion is not a bad creature, just one that is afraid to confront the challenges that life throws out on a daily basis.

Bill Richardson—Glenda the Good Witch. This role was played by John Edwards in 2004. This character tries to keep everybody happy and peaceful. He deplores sadness within the family. Basically, from a political standpoint, he has his head up the front-runner’s anus in the hopes of being Vice President.

Dennis Kucinich—He is a munchkin. Not only is he short, but he also speaks in a tongue that most people do not understand. Alvin the Chipmunk on LSD, this cute little Kucinich critter persists.

Christopher Dodd—I believe there was a drunkard in the movie. The fellow was given no credit for his appearance, given how peripheral he was. Unlike Mr. Dodd, I do not think the drunkard in the movie tried to violate a waitress in a restaurant.

Joe Biden—He is Dorothy—He wants to click his heels together for each partition of Iraq. His heel clicking plan is illogical, unworkable, and bizarre, but hey, it is not like there is nothing at stake if it fails. Like Dorothy going home, the mess left behind will be somebody else’s problem.

Mike Gravel—I thought he was Toto, given his constant barking, but it seems like he is Dorothy’s grandfather. He is an old, gray, grumpy individual who shows up early in the movie and then disappears quickly to irrelevancy. The democrats still had a meaningless debate, but it was slightly more respectable without his being invited.

Bill Clinton—He is Toto. He is useless, but so adorable that he gets more attention than more relevant characters to the story. Toto is so precious that the oxygen just gets sucked out of the room.

The magician behind the curtain that manipulates them all is either George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, or John Ashcroft, or any other bogeyman the democrats need to create to have a reason to exist. My guess is that it is most likely Paul Wolfowitz, since the Daily Kos sees the Wizard of Oz the same way it sees everything else…as a sinister republican plot controlled by the Jews, since the people of Kansas are obviously Jews. Dorothy makes it home to the land of the Neocons, and everybody lives happily ever after. 

As scary as the democrats are, with Halloween being every time they come on television, even scarier is Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers. How people continue to admire this troll is beyond me. He scored 45 points, and the team lost. Typical Kobe. I say this because his press conference was delightful. “The team missed 18 free throws. I didn’t miss any.” Yes, everything is everybody else’s fault. The Clintons should hire him as a press spokesman immediately.

Today is the day for getting away from people who do not matter to what does matter…picking out a Halloween costume and having fun.

I have plenty of costumes, and the trick is to find costumes that are timeless. Picking something that has a shelf life of 10 minutes is a waste of money. Also, heroes are boring, and they often wear pants that are ambiguously transgendered. I prefer the villains.

Also, when romantically involved, matching costumes go over very well. Matching pirates and matching vampires are easy enough. When I dress up as the Riddler, I prefer my female companion be Catwoman. That way I can admire her tail.

Matching gangsters is fun, and women look sexy in short skirts always.

Matching costumes are a way of couples making sacrifices that would normally never occur. In 2005 I was dating a left wing environmental activist vegetarian. What can I say? She was hot. I dressed up as a tree, and she dressed up as a hippie. My sign on my tree said, “My girlfriend is a tree hugger.” To return the favor, the next night had me dressing up as a criminal, with her dressing up as a slutty police officer. The outfit came equipped with a baton, handcuffs, a ball and chain, and an incredibly tight outfit that made me realize that politics could be put aside for the sake of my hormones.

My friends and I go to “The Freak Show” in West Hollywood, which is the homosexual area of Los Angeles. They usually dress flamboyantly in that part of town, but on this day they go crazy. The police seal off the streets, and one million people walk up and down looking at the costumes. My friend from Alabama got groped last year. Hey, when you are dressed in a purple pimp outfit at a parade in a largely homosexual community, things will happen. It was his last day in Blue State America, as he hightailed it back to Alabama, a victim of culture aftershocks.

I know I will not be dressing up as Harry Potter, and since I am not looking for a gay partner any time soon, being Dumbledore is not a viable option.

Halloween 2004 remains my most bizarre situation. I dressed as an Angel, and the girl dressed as the Devil. Yes, this was total role reversal. To try and confuse people at the party, we decided to sneak out of the party and come back with the costumes reversed. We went to my place, and decided to each be ½ angels and ½ devils. We needed to change.

Now I am not a Homer Simpson type, on Halloween or in real life. I do not walk around my apartment unless I am fully clothed. Yet since the girl changed in the bedroom, I was relegated to the living room. In the 60 seconds it took me to change, my roommate came home. Thankfully my red devil collared shirt was just long enough, as I stood in my living room with no trousers on holding a devil’s pitchfork.

 

Roommate: “Dude.”

 

Me: “It’s not what it looks like.”

 

Roommate: “You’re pantsless…and you’re holding a devil’s pitchfork.”

 

Hearing her, he asked, “Have you got a girl in your room? What are you guys doing man?”

 

Me: “Nothing is going on.”

 

Like a bad episode of “Three’s Company (redundant, I know),” she came out of the bedroom, oblivious to the surroundings. Wearing only a bra and angel wings, she grabbed my pants and said, “I need your pants.” She then retreated to the bedroom.

 

Roommate: “What the hell are you two doing?”

 

Me: “Nothing…nothing is going on.”

 

Roommate: “I thought I was cooler than you.”

 

Me: “You are cooler than me. It’s not even close.”

 

From the bedroom, she asked about props that could be used to enhance the evening, all part of an innocent angel-devil theme.

 

Girl: “Eric, do you have something that burns like a flamethrower?”

 

Roommate: “Ok, what the hell is wrong with you? I don’t know what kind of sick stuff you’re into man, but this innocent dorky routine is B.S. I’ll see you later, and stay away from my bedroom.”

To this day he does not know a g-rated situation when he sees one.

As for this year, the pimp costume was Friday night, and the ½ angel ½ devil costume was Saturday night. I refer to it as a “Fallen Angel,” and the halo, appropriate for me, is totally bent.

West Hollywood will be filled with almost naked gay men, but it will also have heterosexual women dressed as French maids, cavewomen, Playboy bunnies, and other reasons I love being a guy.

Wednesday night might be me as the Riddler again. I just hope nobody confuses me with that idiot Matthew Lesko. I may be prancing around West Hollywood, but I am not a liberal. I will pretend to joust with guys dressed as Batman, and hopefully share a couple steamy moments with a complete stranger dressed as Catwoman. Women dressed up provocatively with a lack of ability to control their inhibitions…I love this holiday.

It is not all perfect. For one, I am too old to trick or treat, which I gave up at age 22. Trick or treating in Bel Air is great. I made between $50 and $100 my last year of college. As a kid I used to go back to homes November 1st to see if they had any candy left. The older kids would trick or treat for beer, and I was too naïve to understand how they kept picking the right houses.

I remember Pirate Lady looking at me and saying, “Shiver me timbers.”  I was about to reply, “Darling, I’d sure like to,” but my friends stopped me. However, she said it again…”Shiver me timber.” I replied, “Sweetness, you got that reversed. Make mine shiver.” She blushed bright crimson…I love Halloween.

My Rabbi does not like that I celebrate Halloween, but I keep explaining that it is actually a Jewish holiday, Hal Levine. So to all the non-Jews of the world, I wish you a happy Hal Levine.

My parents shake their heads in a combo of shame and disbelief, but they should not be afraid. On Halloween I spin out of control, but by November 1st I am back to my version of normal, at work. There is nothing I can do to damage society that badly.

Besides, I will not be that scary on Halloween. It is not like I am dressing up as President Hillary Clinton. Now that is frightening. Don’t cry kids. I will turn off the flashlight and turn on the lights. It was only a nightmare.

Now to be like Ted Kennedy minus the girth and criminal behavior…and do what I need to do to avoid being a complete spectacle again…find my pants.

I think these are mine…or maybe they are…who is she? Riddle me this, Riddle me that…I just don’t know.

Happy Hal Levine everybody!

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 6 Comments »

Voting Irregularities at the Bloggers Choice Awards

Sunday, October 21st, 2007

http://blog.payperpost.com/?utm_source=opportunity&utm_medium=disclosure%2Bbadge

I normally post once a day, but this is a special nighttime post regarding the Bloggers Choice Awards. I am in shock to say I have been the victim of voting “irregularities.” I am not claiming fraud as of this moment, but I have had between 1/2 and 1/3 of my votes taken away. Even my own vote was taken away.

I have sent emails to people at

www.bloggerschoiceawards.com

www.postiecon.com 

www.payperpost.com

 When the contest was supposed to have ended, I was in the top 3 in the political category, with Daily Kos being 4th. They had 467 votes, so I had more (the top 3 were blocked out to create excitement, which is fine). yet I noticed some people were able to add votes even today, well after the deadline. I did not mind, because even the additional votes Daily Kos got left them at 471, below me.

Yet tonight, after refreshing the screen, my total had dropped from over 471 (again, blocked out) to only 351, putting me back in 4th place. I tried to add my own vote again, and the BCA system would not allow it.

I checked every vote to see who was missing, and it seems that my coworkers, family, and even me, were deleted. I am speculating that because my coworkers are in the same building, it treated their votes as fraud. Some of my coworkers came to my computer to vote. However, they are real people who supported me. This was honest.

My parents voted at the same computer because they only have one computer. Their votes were eliminated.

I wrote an email to Angry Harry and Feministing, my main competitors. I want to make it clear I have no gripes with them. They have quality sites. If anything, I want to make sure they are not victimized either. I cced info@bloggerschoiceawards.com and info@postiecon.com in my email. I also contacted Ted Murphy at Payperpost, which is running Postiecon and the BCA. Here is my email.

"Angry Harry/Feministing,

These comments are not meant for posting, but you can if you want. They are meant
for you personally.

I am Eric, and my blog is The Tygrrrr Express. I competed against both of you in
the Bloggers Choice Awards. We were the top 3. If I had to guess, I think I came
in 2nd, possibly edging out Feministing, but not sure I passed Angry Harry. The
Daily Kos was 4th.

Out of nowhere tonight, between 100 and 300 votes of mine were taken away. I am
now back in 4th. This is due to a glitch in the Postiecon system. Many people who
voted for me are my coworkers, and their votes were thrown out because we work in
the same office, and I guess the system thought fraud was at work.

Also, many of my close friends voted for me from my computer when they came to my
home to watch football. My parents had their votes thrown out because the house
has only one computer. My vote for myself was thrown out.

This is not sour grapes. I just feel that if these votes are not counted, the results
could be tarnished.

I think you both have great sites, and your success is deserved. Again, I am not
saying I won. I am saying I was absolutely in the top 3, and am now down to 4th,
with well over 100 votes (and maybe 300) subtracted from my total.

I have contacted Postiecon about this problem, and you both should check your own
votes to see if any are missing.

This is not life or death, but it does matter from an integrity standpoint.

Respectfully,

eric aka  blacktygrrrr.wordpress.com"

I want to make it clear that I am not Al Gore. I have actual proof, aka hard evidence, that votes of mine were taken away. I just want this to be looked into, and I do not trust that email contact will work. I need to get a live person on the telephone, and these companies do not post their phone numbers.

Ted Murphy is the head sled in charge of all of this. I hope he looks into this.

I do not mind losing. I mind being cheated. I am not positive that I won. However, I am positive I was in the top 3, not 4th.

The purpose of winning this contest was to gain exposure to my blog. I will get that no matter what because I write well. Now I just need to get the bitter taste out of my mouth knowing that my hard work can be invalidated by a computer malfunction.

No wonder people get disenfranchised. How can we count 100 million votes if we cannot even count a few hundred.

eric







						


				
 Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized |   20 Comments »


			


				

				
Death on Simchas Torah

				Friday, October 5th, 2007

				

					
Sometimes I decide what my column will be, and sometimes life events decide for me. Sadly enough, real life has intervened.


Thursday, October 4th, 2007, was the Jewish holiday of Simchas Torah. Simchas means “joy.” It is one of the most festive nights in the Jewish calendar, as people sing, dance and drink to excess. Judaism actually has two drinking holidays. On this day Jews are commanded to drink “until they cannot distinguish Mordechai from Esther.” Yes, there are Jewish people who ignore the rules all year and then declare themselves religious on this night as an excuse to imbibe, but for the true believers, it is a night of letting loose.


I do not drink, for no other reason than I do not like the taste of alcohol. I prefer soda. Yet in years past, on Simchas Torah, I have been “the goalie.” People would spill out into the streets, and I would kick them back into the temple and away from oncoming traffic.


One of my friends once got so blasted that he pointed and yelled out, “Who is that Amish guy, and why is he wearing the Rabbi’s pants?” I explained to him that he had had enough alcohol for one night.


I laid down for a nap to pace myself for a long night of partying. I then remembered that there was this young lady I was supposed to call. A man keeps his word, and in a sleepy haze I called her. There is something about hot women that just makes them a joy to talk to on the telephone. So between a hot girl and a night of partying, life was good.


Then the phone call came. It was my friend from Miami, who I used to work with. We were stock traders, and kept in touch long after we scattered across the country. He asked me how I was, and I replied in typical classy fashion, “Hey bro, can I call you back, I’ve got a hot girl on the other line.” He said, “Eric…Zack died this morning.”


After a triple take, where I was positive he said anything but that, I told him, “Ok, let me get rid of this girl on the other line.” I was polite with her, but I quickly told her what happened, and she more than understood. Perhaps it is because she is a registered nurse. More likely, it is because she is a decent human being.


The conversation about Zack was less than five minutes. In short, he had just been given bad luck in life’s lottery. He was a professional athlete, a tall and handsome Israeli fellow, and a former Israeli army soldier. He was also somebody that was just born with a bad heart. He had open heart surgery before, but I thought he was fine. Now, at age 42, he is gone. This was not about drugs, alcohol or anything else. It was just a good hearted human being who was not given the heart he needed to survive.


I do not even think the bond was about our being Jewish. I think it was because we are stock traders. To trade stocks, you have to be a little off kilter, and every one of us that worked at the firm we were at were slightly out of wack. Some jobs people leave, and they never communicate with anyone again. This job…we were like a family. We kept in touch. We hung out. Again, on tough days financially, we had each other.


I remember one of our guys getting so frustrated that he yelled out, “That’s it! I’m trading pantsless!” He then yelled out, “I’ve already lost my shirt to the market, I might as well give it all up! I’m dropping trou (sers)!”


Zack used to tease me because he was a big trader and I was a little trader. Not just in terms of height, but in terms of size. Yes, when trading, size matters. He would joke that the hundred shares I was trading would mess up the market if he was trading a couple thousand shares of the same stock. I was good at picking stocks to trade, but never had the guts to go balls out. He did. When he had a losing trade, he would say, “Ricky, quit messing up the markets!”


My name is Eric, but he used to call me Ricky. I never knew why, but it beats being called an expletive. His name was Zach, So I called him “Zachariah.” To me Zachariah is the name of an old guy with white hair, and it bothers me that he will never become that guy.


People think of trading as stressful, but life is as stressful as you make it. Zack was a calm guy, probably because he had bigger worries than the stock market. Also, people think of the stock market as constant action, but there are times when things are very slow and uneventful. To me, most of the action was in the first couple hours and the last hour. During the middle of the trading day, several of us would do what all bored men do when not trading stocks…surf the internet for women.


I preferred Jdate, but Zack preferred Match.com because it was a larger pool. I remember once during the trading day Zack got angry, and banged his fist on the table and said, “I don’t believe this, are you kidding me!” I asked him what stock he was trading (assuming he had just lost money), and he replied, “No man, this girl on Match.com just declined my instant message. Who does she think she is?” We all laughed.


One odd thing I used to do was inspired by a bizarre commercial where a waiter rubs a customer’s head in the restaurant while singing to the customer, “You don’t know how many times I wish that I could hold you.” I adopted that as my theme, and whenever that song came on, would walk over to a different coworker and sing that one line. I tried that with Zack once, and he said, “Ricky, get a woman and hold her, but if you try to hold me we are going to have problems.” I told him I already had plenty of problems and he replied, “Yes, but you trying to hold me makes your problems my problems. Now when you go back to your desk, don’t mess up the market. Tell me what you are trading so I can trade something else.”


It is still hard to fathom that Zack is gone.


I have said many times that I believe in God. I do not understand God’s motives, but I believe God has a plan. Yes, I have free will, but God is going to do what God is going to do. One could make a speech about being responsible for their own actions, but that does not apply here. Zack was simply born with a medical defect, and that defect cheated him out of the old age that people feel they are entitled to having.


As soon as I get the information, I will send a condolence card. I will then do what I always do in a situation like this…call my parents, tell them I love them, and be grateful that I still have them.


I will sit, have a beverage, and think about what it all means, and try to make sense of it. I could try to make myself feel better by claiming that God takes the ones he loves and needs most first. That is a copout. It does not help.


I will say a prayer for Zack’s family, and then keep my mouth shut, because there is nothing I can say to make the situation better.


I lost a friend. I only hope that as soon as he got to Heaven, he told God to start pouring the drinks, and bring on the ladies, because it was Simchas Torah.


Take care Zack. May every day in the afterlife be Simchas Torah for you.


eric


   


						


				
 Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized |   4 Comments »


			


				

				
Armageddonijad and You-Tube

				Thursday, September 27th, 2007

				

					
The struggle is civilization versus barbarism, and civilization is cannibalizing itself in ways that barbarians could only dream.


I am not a “You-Tuber.” For those of you who have no idea what You-Tube is, be grateful.


Armageddonijad, that warm fuzzy baboon from Iran, recently met with the one form of life less sophisticated than he, that being a poison ivy league university president. What is more than a tad ironic is that behavior that Armageddonijad has engaged in is now commonplace among Americans, particularly youthful ones. I do not care for this genocidal lunatic, but I am finding it difficult to criticize him when Americans celebrate his behavior on You-Tube.


I start with the issue of torture. Armageddonijad tortures people, not just with his voice, but with actual brutal methods of physically hurting people. One such way is with tasering.


For those who do not know, a taser is a device that sends electrical volts through somebody. It is dangerous and potentially fatal to be tasered. It is inhumane to do this to somebody, although law enforcement officials occasionally need to taser dangerous criminals, such as violent drug abusers and left wing activists at violent peace rallies.


However, thanks to You-Tube, people are now tasering each other and themselves. Teenagers are tasering each other’s breasts, rumpuses and genitals. Look, I like pleasant sensations as much as the next guy, but are people that desperate for gratification? It is one thing to stick your pager (a device from the 1980s, still used by drug dealers and doctors) down your trousers and beg your friends to page you, but it is another to attach electric shock therapy to your sensitive regions. As I said, these are tactics used by third world despots looking to extract information from their hostages, not teenagers incapable of knowing any information about anything.


The next You-Tube phenomenon is called “Freak-dancing,” which is basically simulated sex. Yes, like most dances, these teenagers do look like they are having epileptic seizures, but voluntarily simulating sex apparently is acceptable if referred to as “dancing.”


So why is this a problem? Because of Abu Gharaib. We had these terrorists in our prison simulating sex, and we were not allowed to claim that we were just making them “dance.” I am surprised the ASPCA never got involved, because it reminds me of the “dancing duck,” which was really a duck with a hot plate under its webbed feet (Be kind to your webbed footed friends…a duck might be somebody’s mother).


So if cruelty to ducks and terrorists is inhumane, how can You-tube sanction this stuff? Oh sure, it may come across like these teenagers are behaving voluntarily, but when one has no mental capacity, they cannot legally claim their behavior as valid. So how do we prove these teenagers have no capacity? Easy enough. Have you seen them? That is like asking how breakdancers in the 1980s could be mentally slow after spinning on their heads. As Bill Cosby said, “It’s got to be drugs. People don’t get like that on pure air alone.”


Lastly, Armageddonijad likes to make liquid bombs, and have them tossed at innocent civilians. He funds homicide bombers. They use vests, belts, and grenades. A liquid grenade involves taking a hydratic substance, tossing it at someone, and attempting to injure them. In the Mafia, they call dangerous liquid devices Molotov Cocktails.


Again, You-Tube is on the cutting edge of imitating the Ayatollah Khomonkey’s disciple. Teenage You-Tubers now drive up to fast food takeout windows, order drinks, and then film each other throwing the drinks at the drive through window worker serving it to them.


Why would somebody pay money for a perfectly good beverage and then throw it at somebody? I guess for the same reason people would take a grenade and throw it at somebody. For laughs I guess. I was not aware that McDonalds and Burger King workers were the infidels.


In Arab countries, a long time hobby has been taking innocent people and violently killing them in the town square. This is done through beating, stoning (not to be confused with getting stoned, a teenage You-Tuber hobby today), and shooting (not to be confused with shooting up).


In America, young You-Tubers film each other beating the tar out of each other. There is actually a scandal in Louisiana involving six boys beating up one boy. How did it get out of hand? Well one boy was scheduled to fight another boy, and the other five were not supposed to take part. Scheduled? Two boys beating each other up on camera is scheduled? This is a hobby?


Now I know why Armageddonijad was babbling about there being no homosexuals in Iran. I thought he was just a crackpot. Now I realize he justs wants to be in a You-Tube video that gets as many hits as possible. Heck, what is the point of committing genocide if it cannot make people laugh on the internet?


I used to think that the biggest threat to society were Islamofacists. Now I have to confess that it might be Bob Saget. America’s Funniest Home Videos started the decline. It amazes me that Guantanamo Bay is a source of controversy, yet American teenagers engage in similar behavior, and it is called entertainment.


How can Armageddonijad spend time trying to eradicate Israel and the USA, and still make time to update his vlog (video blog)?


Maybe it is my fault. I have been spending too much time worrying about foreign policy at the expense of the next generation of Americans. I am focused on the War on Terror. I want to straighten out the crackpots that are Islamofacist nutcases, be they Mullahs, Hamas, Hezbollah, or Palestinian homicide bombers.


It blame myself. I am preoccupied trying to help save civilization. Can somebody out there pick up the slack by picking up the slackers?


Parents need to storm into their childrens’ rooms (Janet Reno is available if need be), disconnect their internet access, and take away their video cameras. Parenting is not a democracy. Once this is done, parents need to teach children about a device I had as a child that is known as a “ball.” It can be thrown, bounced, and caught. It is meant to be played with outside. When these kids are outside, they can interact with each other.  There will not be any keyboards, but they can use their feet to walk, hands to gesture, and mouths to talk. Actual conversations did exist before we all went virtual.


Once we can get back to a world where the biggest problems parents face are their children dressing badly and listening to terribly incoherent music, these adults can get back to what else matters. That involves taking Armageddonijad and his terrorist friends and kicking their @sses.


Who am I kidding. Once we catch these guys, I will be the first guy to show up with a taser and a video camera. After all, the soldier who caught Saddam Hussein did inspect him for lice in front of the world. I know this because it was on You-Tube. Not that I watched it…somebody told me about it.


eric


						


				
 Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized |   11 Comments »


			


		
		

			
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