When a breakup lacks a villain
Like flowers, all relationships die.
When the blame game begins, the next step is to divide up everything from possessions to friends.
Yet what happens when there is no villain? In a counter-intuitive way, this type of ending to a relationship can be the absolute worst.
eric
What every woman (and many men) could learn from Mo’Nique
It’s all about Mo’Nique.
Forget Kate Upton, Elizabeth Hurley, Cindy Crawford, Eva Longoria, Tara Banks and every other model of beauty that society has foisted upon us.
It’s all about Mo’Nique.
Mo’Nique is one of the sexiest women alive, and every woman could learn from her. So can plenty of men.
The former hostess with the mostess of “Showtime at the Apollo” is a shining example of how to succeed in the world of romance when the deck is supposedly stacked against you.
Mo’Nique belongs to the one group of people who are still ridiculed by comedians in the cheapest of ways. She is, by current standards, “overweight.” She most likely weighs somewhere between 200 and 300 pounds.
It has been at least a couple of centuries since overweight people were considered the most beloved people in society. They were “rubenesque,” a euphemism that currently fools nobody.
Current supermodels through no fault of their own have young women convinced that “thin is in,” and that “no guy wants to date the fat girl.”
Yet while attitude may not be everything, it goes a long way. PMA (positive mental attitude) turned Mo’nique into a superstar.
She became a sex symbol by declaring herself one. She just decided she was, and acted like it.
She showed up at the Apollo jiggling and shaking her body, singing, “Hey girl. It’s your birthday. We’re going to party, like it’s your birthday.”
An alien from another planet observing her would conclude that she is big, black, and it is always her birthday.
On more than one occasion she would single out her fellow hefty women for praise.
“I want all the big girls on stage. Only the big girls. Big girls, get up here and do your thing.”
All the heavyset women would dance on stage with her as the crowd cheered them on.
Mo’Nique even made a movie where the entire premise was about her girth. It was entitled “Phat Girlz.” Comedian Chris Tucker explained to Americans in “Moneytalks” that P.H.A.T. stands for “Pretty Hot and Tempting.”
When a woman is that big a deal, she does not even need a last name. Madonna, and Beyonce have proven this. Yet to add an apostrophe jazzes everything up. She is not just Monica or Monique, but Mo’Nique. At the Apollo, she was Mooooooooniiiiiiiqqqqqque.
Mo’Nique’s weight has not prevented her from getting married and having children. It has certainly not limited the roles she has played. While she is a comedienne by trade, she won a best supporting actress Academy Award for her very serious villainous character in “Precious.”
She is an accomplished woman who has had more pain in her life than any human being should have to go through. She was a childhood victim of incest.
Yet this woman who could have ended up at the bottom of the barrel refuse to let her self-esteem be measured by her weight. It is easy to tell other people to just be happy with who they are. It is a very difficult thing for those people to actually do it.
Most men would never admit it, but when Mo’Nique walks on that stage, they find her sexy.
So to Mo’Nique, I say shake those hips and that badonkadonk. You are the very definition of sexiness.
To women and men everywhere, learn from this woman. All the weight loss pills and diets and exercise regimens in the world will not fix what ails the human heart and mind. Weighing more is not a barrier to love and happiness provided it does not become a health issue. To love others, one has to love the person in the mirror to the point of confidence but short of vanity.
A great birthday present for any woman would be to feel special for all the right reasons. For men, a great birthday present would be to find a woman as self-assured as Mo’Nique, which leads to a better chance at a healthy relationship.
As for Mo’Nique herself, she should just stay lovely. Go on girl. It’s your birthday. Do your thing while the rest of us watch and admire what you do and how you do it.
eric
Dear Sydney Leathers
It seems you have found yourself at the center of a sex scandal. From the moment you were discovered to be the most recent victim of an internet sexual predator named Anthony Weiner, your life has been turned upside down like a freshman on prom night. Although you voluntarily sent a “selfie” to him displaying your pink underclothing and little else, this is in no way your fault. You are a hot girl, and if men have been taught anything since birth, it is that hot girls are never to blame for anything.
The liberal media has crucified you in the cruelest of ways, even attacking your facial beauty and pleasingly plump posterior of perfection. The media never got the memo, but the anorexic look has not been popular since people read Rolling Stone magazine a couple of decades ago. Many guys like a woman with some serious junk in the trunk, and you are obviously bright enough to know this. Kim Kardashian launched an entire career off her oversized backside, and has not had to do an ounce of real work since. If you play your cards and your backside right, you could be a multi-millionairess within weeks.
Pornography is not the answer. Do not do it. You will be used and abused, and at risk for diseases. Playboy is a possibility, but you only get once chance. There is a better way for you to experience the best life has to offer.
Your mistake was not in sending nearly naked pictures of yourself to a man over 40. Your derriere err was in sending them to the wrong man. Weiner is untrustworthy. He is married, and cheating on you and his wife with many other internet paramours.
Next time, do the smart, decent, and honorable thing. Send your pics to me.
If you do not understand why this is the appropriate way to handle things, I can explain it to you personally.
Things will not be easy in the beginning. You will need to become a Republican. Enough of this liberal progressive “yes, we can” blather. Become a conservative, although not one of those uptight ones that refuses to take adult pictures of themselves.
Then you need to become Jewish. Christianity teaches people to feel guilty, and that everything is a sin. Islam is not the right choice, since some in that faith would put you to death for taking selfies. Also, fasting on Ramadan is not good for a woman needing to maintain her curves. Judaism celebrates lust within certain confines.
Then you need to move to Los Angeles, since cold Indiana winters are terrible for a woman’s complexion. All the Aloe and Lanolin in the world cannot counter frostbite.
I suggest you take classes at the local community college. My recommendation is that you major in home economics with a minor in sports business. That way you can fix my dinner while I am watching football, and still understand what the announcers are saying during the game.
(Calm down feminists, those remarks were gratuitous and deliberately designed to get your panties in a bunch. Unlike Sydney Leathers’s pink panties, I have no interest in yours and you know it. If men did, you would not be feminists.)
At this point you are probably wondering what you get out of this. You already have had an entire column dedicated to you, so do not get greedy.
Now take your angelic smile and spectacular honkeytonk badonkadonk, and shake and bake your way over here.
You have already wasted time with sleazy men not willing to appreciate a girl of your considerable talents and caliber. Learn from your mistakes. Since you like Jewish men who pretend to be Latin lovers, I will correspond with you using my secret Twitter handle. My black clad, swashbuckling alter ego is “El Dorko.”
I eagerly await your arrival. Like the classiest finest joint in town, Motel 6, I will keep a light on for you.
Oh, and wear the pink thing. I prefer my Leathers in lace.
Come anytime, and thank you for bringing true romance back to dating in the 21st century.
eric
Is sexting cheating?
A 23 year old progressive activist engaged in cybersex and phonesex with Anthony Weiner. The appropriately named Sydney Leathers sent him a picture of herself wearing a thong, and in return received a picture of him below the waist “inflagrante delecto.”
Forget politics. This is about sex.
When one is married, Is phone sex with somebody else cheating? What about cybersex? How about sexting?
eric
Dating and age gaps: Where is the line?
When dating, how big an age gap is too big? At what point does the age difference become scandalous?
eric
The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2013.
June 21st means Summertime, which means only one thing. It is time for the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2013.
For the politically correct censored version, here are the Top 30 Hottest Political Women of 2013.
Now multiply by four, and men have entered the raw, uncensored paradise of the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies.
To all the uptight upper middle class white college girls at Brandeis getting their majors in grievance studies, do not worry. My list of the ugliest women in politics will be out soon enough. It will only be based on the lack of content of their character.
Now to sleep, and dream amazing dreams. Some men count sheep. I count a certain Republican Jewish brunette’s absolutely perfect yummy bouncies over and over again.
4…8…12…zzzzzzzzz
eric
Jewish dating in North Dakota
In the original “Karate Kid,” Mr. Miyagi taught Danielson that a “man who (can) catch (a) fly with chopsticks (can) accomplish anything.” Mr. Miyagi never tried to date Jewish in North Dakota.
eric
After three days in Fargo, here is my North Dakota Jewish dating report.
In Los Angeles, one scrolls through hundreds if not thousands of profiles. In North Dakota, typing in area code 701 covers the entire state. There were exactly three women.
One was not Jewish. She just liked Jewish guys.
A second one was Jewish, and of Japanese descent. A third one was Jewish, and from Madrid, Spain. So if things do not work out with one of them, there is always the other one.
None of them have logged in the last three weeks, and most likely never will again. This reduces the available choices to zero.
Wednesday has me flying back to Los Angeles.
This concludes the North Dakota Jewish dating report.
eric
How to react to a canceled date
One of the worst aspects of dating is when a date is canceled, especially on the day of the date. It has happened to most of us, and technology makes matters worse. Now instead of a telephone call, people break dates through text messages, instant messenger, or Facebook.
So how should a person react when a date is canceled? A general rule is the Golden Rule.
eric
What President Obama was really thinking about Kamala Harris
Compared to the other White House scandals, the non-scandal over Kamala Harris was nothing. It is old news, but good for a fun, quiet Sunday. This link contains the sanitized version.
Now for the raw uncensored version of what President Obama was really thinking about Kamala Harris when he complimented her. Parental advisory. Explicit lyrics.
A kerfuffle ensued after President Obama complimented California Attorney General Kamala Harris for her beauty. The normally robotic Obama showed human emotion, and was forced to apologize for it to prevent his wife Michele from “going Brenda Ritchie on him.”
(Lionel Ritchie was not “Dancing on the Ceiling” when he was caught, but by the time his wife was done he was stuck to it.)
As expected, feminists who say nothing when women are beaten in the Middle East exploded in selective outrage. As of this writing, none of the complainers have ever been complimented on anything.
Nevertheless, what President Obama said is is far less important than what he did not say. It is the unspoken words that have clairvoyants everywhere concerned. The neanderthals and the feminists may not agree on propriety, but they both know the thoughts existed.
You see, when some men look at powerful women like Michele Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Oprah Winfrey, they think “These women are too uppity. They need to be knocked down a peg. They are too big for their britches.”
Other men look at these women and think “Look at how far society has progressed. America is truly the land of opportunity. We have made so many great strides.”
Yet a third group of men, which consists of the other 99%, look at these women and think what Obama secretly thinks about Kamala Harris.
“Wow. Baby got back.”
That’s right. Men often view women as sex objects, and powerful men are turned on by powerful women. Holy Sir Mix-A-Lot. Stop the presses. Water is wet, the sun rises in the East, and power is an aphrodisiac.
Obama is the most powerful man in the world. He looks at Harris and thinks “Man, I would love to paddle her.” Then he remembers Michele would rip him limb from limb. President Obama deserves credit for very few things, but give the presidential Elvis Presley hound doggie who cries all the time some credit. Whether it be genuine devotion or fear, he is disciplined enough to not act on his thoughts. The guy barely even shared them. His remarks were remarkably restrained.
This is why lambasting Obama on this issue makes no sense. By most standards, with regards to these matters, he is a gentleman. Feminists are angry not at his actions or words, but his thoughts. In the world of Radical feminism, all men are Clinton dogs, whether regular like Bill or atomic like George.
Feminists will complain that women do not view men as sex objects. Well maybe from time to time they should. Has it ever occurred to women that men have zero interest in women constantly praising their intelligence? Do any women realize how much they could extract from men by simply complimenting their shirts or neckties? Guys do not spend time selecting “power ties” for women to be oblivious.
The only reason many men want power is so that women who would normally ignore them will pay attention. Bill Clinton admitted how great it was transitoning from being “the fat guy” to the Governor of Arkansas.
Barack Obama is the biggest of the atomic dogs. Yet despite being a controlled puppy most of the time, he briefly showed that deep down he would love to be Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg, or any other members of the Dogg Pound.
Obama is so tightly wound and scripted. He never gets to let loose, smoke a cigarette, or even eat a hamburger. He gets mercilessly (and justifiably) pounded for being an effeminate beta male. The one time he acts normal, he gets attacked for it.
So what if he wants to secretly treat Kamala Harris like a character in Howard Stern’s “Butt Bongo Fiesta?” As long as he keeps those obvious thoughts to himself, feminists should not pillory him for coming nowhere near the line of bad taste.
If he noticed Harris only for her beauty, that would be troublesome. Yet he noticed her for her brains and beauty. That should mitigate any complaint, unless the feminists believe that he could care less about her brains. Maybe in their world, “brains” is code for “breasts.” If that is the case, men cannot win. That is exactly how the politically correct feminists want it, but this war on men has to stop now.
Any real woman forced to choose between the extremes of a neanderthal and a metrosexual would choose the neanderthal every time. Most men fall far from the extremes.
Leave us alone. Stop nagging us over nonsense. We find you hot and want to play volleyball with your body parts. Get over it. Regulate actions and even some speech, but leave our thoughts to ourselves. Let us dream. It’s all we have left.
President Obama may never be a guy’s guy, but he already has a wife, a mother-in-law, and two daughters to emasculate him. He does not need other women piling on him for lusting after a smart, strong, hot, powerful goddess and wanting to drive her like Prince’s “Little Red Corvette.”
The next time any woman asks a man, “What are you thinking?,” we will just give you a cross look. You should know, be flattered, and let it go.
That is what we think about, and nagging cannot trump biology, whether it be that of a feminized Obama or an atomic dog alpha male Tarzan.
eric