THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

At the Republican Jewish Coalition Winter Leadership meeting in Las Vegas featured many compelling speakers, with one of them being Michael Medved.

I have met Mr. Medved before, and his book “Right Turns” is a journey into how he went from being a liberal political activist to a conservative republican author, radio host, columnist, and film critic. Yes, he is a vegetarian who lives in Seattle, but do not be fooled. He is a Jewish republican, and a kind human being. When he saw me said, “Hi Eric, how are you?” He meets many people, and probably treats them all just as nicely.

With that, below are comments by Michael Medved.

“Jews are political junkies. We are 5% of the vote, and only 1.7% of the population.”

“There is a deadlock at the Presidential level. We have had close elections for 50 years. In 8 of the last 12 elections, the winner won with 51% of the vote or less. Ronald Reagan in 1980 had only 51% of the vote. Jews voted for the Meshuganah (crazy person) John Anderson. Americans are reliably divided.”

“We should all pray for the health of Jimmy Carter, since the funeral will be excrutiating. Nobody will be truthful.”

“In 2008, New York could be in play. John McCain will campaign ferociously in California.”

“In 2004, President Bush did better in Florida, partly because Joe Lieberman was not on the ticket.”

“Barack Obama is suspect on Israel issues. He has said, ‘No people have suffered more than the Palestinians.’ Jewish people are mainly idiotic and self destructive, yet even we understand that suicide bombers don’t love us. McCain said he would not talk to Hamas. So then Obama did say today that Hamas is the one terrorist group he would not negotiate with. Yet he would negotiate with Iran’s Ahmadinewackjob. Jews are unbearably sentimental, and Obama has been masterful answering the Jewish issue.”

“Hillary is easier to run against in the Jewish community.”

I respectfully disagree with that point of view, but republican Jews, and republicans in general, are sharply divided on who would be the weaker democratic foe.

Mr. Medved then made a mistake, and to his credit, immediately retracted the comment to set the record straight.

“Envoy Dennis Ross is supporting Obama.”

The crowd seemed shocked by this, but one member of the very politically sophisticated RJC audience pointed out that Mr. Ross, appointed by the first President Bush and retained by Bill Clinton, had offered to share his advice with all of the candidates. Obama had simply taken Mr. Ross on that offer the most. Mr. Ross had not endorsed anybody, and wants whoever wins to succeed on the thorny issue of the Middle East Peace Process.

To his credit, Mr. Medved sincerely thanked the person that corrected him, and was glad the record was set straight.

Mr. Medved then continued discussing Barack Obama.

“Reestablishing the old Jewish-Black Alliance is a desire of Jews and Obama.”

He then waded into Jewish voting trends that are counter to Jewish interests.

“George McGovern made anti-Israel statements. He often spoke about an ‘internationally divided Jerusalem.’ President Richard Nixon was supplying Israel in 1973 with weapons to save Israel. McGovern was on the Senate floor speaking against this. McGovern still got 65% of the Jewish vote.”

“Jews do not vote based on Israel. President Bush is not playing an international chess game. He genuinely believes and loves Israel in his heart. 70% of Israelis backed President Bush over John Kerry.”

Mr. Medved then got to the heart of what is presentation of why the Jewish community votes against its own interests.

“Why are Jews liberal? Because they have a fear of Christianity. Woody Allen is not one of the great philosophers of all time. We have different attitudes towards Israel…and families. So what unites Conservative (politically) Jews and liberal Jews? We have only one thing in common. We do not believe Jesus is God. With liberal Jews, the only Jewish identity is a negative. Liberal Jews are allergic to Christianity. This is why they cannot support President Bush, despite his being the most Pro-Israel President ever. In a 1999 debate, he stated that his favorite philosopher was Jesus Christ. At that moment, he was done among liberal Jews. They recoiled.”

“Let freedom ring, and let victory prevail in the land of the free.”

One area of contention is that Israel is always asked to show restraint in the face of terror. They are told that their responses are “disproportionate.” Mr. Medved had his opinion.

“Israel should be proportionate. We should send rockets and kill schoolchildren. Those who claim to care about human rights do not care when Gaza rockets are aimed at Israel.”

Another questioner wanted to know how republican common sense could be used to infiltrate liberal Rabbis.

“Mona Charen once said that liberal Jews are basically ‘the democratic party with holidays.’ Every Jew is born an expert on politics. Reform Judaism has been hurt by its confusing religion with politics.”

Mr. Medved was then asked if there was a Jewish guilt factor regarding Obama.

“Yes, there is a Jewish guilt factor that goes back to the Civil Rights days. Yet if we truly want to honor Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream, we should judge Obama and McCain by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. Pigmentation as an item of religious favor is Unamerican.”

With regards to Mike Huckabee, Medved replied, “We all love Huckabee, but there’s a time Governor, there’s a time.”

With regards to illegal immigration, Mr. Medved holds a sensible position that President Bush and Senator McCain seem to understand.

“26% of children born today are Latino. 22% of illegals are Asian. They arrived in airports. 10% of illegals have college degrees. Until McCain, the GOP was headed towards a permanent train wreck. The Tom Tancredo wing of the party will leave the GOP doomed to permanent minority status, and will never win an election. The democratic playbook is banking on heavy support from Latinos. McCain won 70% of Latinos in Arizona, and by a 6:1 margin over Mitt Romney in Florida. 40% of illegals have a blood relative that is a U.S. citizen. Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush had large Latino support.”

The night before Mr. Medved spoke, I had a chance to sit down with him and one other person for about 20 minutes. He spoke about the need to show compassion for all of God’s children,. whether black or white, gay or straight, religious or secular. Mr. Medved is simply a sincere person with honest convictions, and is able to express them with humor and likability. He is not afriad to take on those on the left or the right that allow vitriol to get in the way of what the ultimate goal is…to make the world a better place.

As always,  it was a pleasure to see Michael Medved. His mind is sound and logical, and his heart is in the right place, with the emphasis on right.

eric

Barack Obama trouncing Hillary Clinton in Wyoming is not what matters. His most likely thrashing of her in Mississippi is not the issue either. What is actually relevant in this demicratic primary is that liberals are discovering what conservatives have known for a long time about places like Wyoming and Mississippi. Liberals are figuring out that these places actually exist.

As much as it pains me to say it, one of the biggest lunatics in the democratic party, and boy does that say a lot, was right about an issue. Howard Screaming Dean wants the democratic party to run a 50 state strategy. Democrats are right now an 18 to 20 state party. Even on the rare occasions when they eke out Presidential election victories, they can’t govern because too much of America is put off by them.

Yes, liberals are seen as a bunch of effete snobs that attend wine and cheese parties and worship Pre-Sarkozy France. Outside of big cities containing many minorities, nobody likes these people.

This can be seen in Hillary Clinton trying to basically steal the democratic nomination by any illegal means necessary. Her main strategy is to invalidate the states that vote for Barack Obama.

The logic goes something like this: Hillary Clinton won Massachussetts. Massachussetts is liberal. Therefore, she is the best representative for the democrats. Obama won Idaho. Idaho is conservative. Therefore, since the republicans will win Idaho anyway, his victory is meaningless.

Hillary, her arrogance towards red state America neverending, wants to run a 20 state election. Obama talks about uniting people. Hillary talks about defeating the evil republicans.

One cannot govern effectively when they write off a large segment of America and tell those people, “We don’t need you. You don’t count. You don’t matter.” It is this misguided thinking that keeps many republicans from going into black neighborhoods looking for votes. For awhile, republicans ignored Jews. An amazing thing then happened. Somebody in the republican party actually decided to talk to them and listen to them, and more Jews are voting republican than a few years ago.

Hillary cannot understand that people who shop at Walmart, go hunting, watch football and Nascar, and enjoy staying home and baking cookies, are actually people worthy of her association. She is married to one of these people, but make no mistake about it. She has contempt for Middle America. It is not about liberal vs conservative. It is about elitism vs the dignity of ordinary people that are extraordinary in their own way.

Hillary won by small margins in large states, while Obama won by large margins in small states. Obama is generating enthusiasm in places where republicans normally dominate. Hillary argues that those states are unwinnable in a general election anyway. How does she know this? Has she tried?

Changes do not happen overnight. Let’s say Idaho votes for republicans by a 30 point margin. If Idaho only goes for the republicans by 15 or 20 points this time, that is still making inroads. It will not be enough time to help Hillary, but it would be good for the party overall in the long run.

That is the crux of the issue. Hillary does not care about the party. She never has. If she loses this primary race, she will do everything but publicly endorse John McCain, the same way she could barely hide her glee when John Kerry was defeated.

Yet for a woman who says she is ready to lead on day one, she might want to do less talking and more listening. There are 30 states that she does not want to bother with. When she loses them, she dismisses them as unimportant. It is not that they are lost causes for democrats. It is they do not like her. This is in keeping with her attitude that a vote against her is a vote against all women.

I will not be voting for Barack Obama in the general election. I am backing John McCain. Yet at least Obama will go into states that have not been friendly to democrats and talk to people. Red state voters are not the enemy. They are Americans, and no bad ever came out of offering a sincere hearty handshake to good people, regardless of affiliation.

Hillary will dismiss the results from Wyoming and Mississippi. Others know the truth. It is they who rejected her first.

Obama is far from perfect on issues that most voters in Wyoming and Mississippi care about, but I give him credit. At least he recognizes that these people exist.

eric

At the most recent winterly quarterly meeting of the Republican Jewish Coalition in Las Vegas, I had the pleasure of meeting John Howard. The former Prime Minister of Australia will go down as one of the great leaders of all time.

One aspect of his visit that was so special was that his speech was the very first one he made to any American audience since giving up his Prime Minister post in November of 2007. The day after his final race for office, I offered him a hearty thank you on my blog.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/11/godspeed-mr-john-howard/

One columnist speculated why this popular man was not even more popular, and attributed to his everman appeal.

“It is puzzling that Howard doesn’t have a higher global reputation. Perhaps it is because he looks like a branch bank manager from Waga Waga.”

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2006/05/howards_australia_a_conservati.html 

Ambassador Mel Semblor, in his introduction of Mr. Howard, mentioned some significant historical moments involving Australia and Mr. Howard. On 9/11, Mr. Howard was in America in Washington, D.C. at the time of the attack. He was not able to leave for several days, but after a few days was escorted safely back home on Air Force 2. After the attack, he recalled the common bonds of America and Australia, and boldly stated on behalf of all of Australia that “this is no time to be an 80% ally.” That remark won him plaudits for him and his nation.

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2006/06/why_i_love_australia.html

Australia is the only nation to have fought along side America in every single war in the 20th and 21st centuries. In 1962, a young John Howard stated that he had a “personal regard for Israel and the Jewish people, and that they should never be diminished.”  

Below is the substance of Prime Minister John Howard’s remarks, with substance being an understatement.

“While Australia and America have many common bonds, there are two differences that stand out. In Australia, unlike America, blue is a good color and red is a bad color. Also, in Australia, the liberal party is the conservative party.”

Mr. Howard expressed his deep affection for America, Israel, and the Jewish people in general. Speaking of in general, he took great pride in pointing out that one of the great military leaders of all time was an Australian Jewish man named Sir John Monash. He led critical victories in war in 1918.

John Howard’s middle name is Winston. While his being named after Winston Churchill in itself may seem common enough, what makes this special is that John Howard was born in 1939, before Churchill became the Prime Minister of Britain. Mr. Howard’s father saw greatness in Winston Churchill before the rest of the world did, and named his son after a man he just knew would be great. Mr. Churchill was not only a defender of liberty over tyranny, but also a friend and admirer of the Jewish people as well.

Like Mr. Churchill and few since, Mr. Howard understands and articulates in a crystal clear manner the titanic struggle the civilized world faces today.

“The most important thing we must possess is cultural self belief.”

“The enemy, the Islamofacists, despise freedom of women in our society. They despise the fairness and justice of our judicial system. Their greatest weapon is that over time, our cultural self belief will fade. We must have a federal cultural compact. They despise weakness most.”

He stated that those who believe that peace can come from understanding the cultural beliefs of the Islamofacists are creating a “temporary illusion on borrowed time.”

“The greatest force for good in the world are the power of free peoples.”

He visited Iraq last March, and sat down with General David Petraeus. General Petraeus literally wrote the book on counterinsurgency, and he understood “the simple doctrine of ‘clear and hold'”

Mr. Howard was baffled by those who want to help Afghanistan reach democracy, but deny the asme noble goal in Iraq. “It is naive in the extreme, and an odd piece of logic, that the Afghanistan War is good and the Iraq War is bad.”

Mr. Howard also made it clear to separate Islamofacists from all Muslims. “Australia has 20 million people. Indonesia is the largest Muslim nation, with 200 million people. The Prime Minister of Indonesia is a moderate who ‘concentrates the mind on making sure relations are good'”

Since Indonesia became a democracy again in 1998, they have elected a Pro-Western leader. “We must work with Muslim nations that are moderate.”

“We are free because we fought tyranny and oppression. Our way is not perfect, but as a political system with all its nuances, it works.”

Mr. Howard then delivered the line that has given him worldwide standing ovations.

“Those who want Sharia law, live in a country that has it!”

“People who come to Australia, I only ask they become Australians. Australian life does not resemble Sharia.”

“I enjoyed the roast last night (of the RJC Executive Director). Like in Australia, roasts are a way of saying uncomplimentary things in a complimentary way. The RJC has gone from having meetings in a telephone booth to a large convention center in a few years.”

“History will treat President George W. Bush with increasing kindness and approval.”

Mr. Howard was asked if he had advice for the next American President regarding the issue of appeasement of Islamofacists.

“Not all Muslims are extremists, but avoid the ‘muffled description’ of the language of the BBC and CNN, such as referring to terrorist activities as ‘military incursions.’ Plain language is important, avoid cultural self doubt. John McCain will not have a problem with any of this.”

He was thena sked why other nations besides Australia were not standing tall besides America.

“Besides President Bush, there has been Tony Blair in England, as well as Stephen Harper in Canada.”

When asked about Iran, he stated that he is “skeptical of the view that Iran is not developing nuclear capability.”

He offered sobering comments regarding Pakistan.

“Pakistan is one of the most important countries in this puzzle. It has some unstable, Pro-Taliban elements. President Pervez Musharraf cops a lot of criticism, but he has put his hand up for America. We should never forget that in 2001 they backed the right side. The alternative might be worse, not as Pro-Western. Pakistan is a real tinderbox. Let’s not imagine that the alternative is Pro-Western.”

He was asked how we find moderates to deal with.

“After Bali (the nightclub disco bombing by Islamofacists), there was an eye opening investigation, and a level of cooperation with the Indonesian police that gave me hope. The killers were brought to justice. They killed 88 of our people. We have common cause with people that have been terrorist victims. More Muslims have died from terrorism than Jews or Christians anywhere in the world except Israel. ”

One questioner wanted to know how we get Russia back on our side.

“Speaking frankly, I am not sure Russia has ever been on our side. Sparking World War I, they were behind the assassination of Australian Archduke Franz Ferdinand. They backed Serbia over Ksovo. Vladimir Putin is an ‘interesting man,’ the first ever Russian head of state to visit Australia. Russia wants to be the next world superpower. There is no other superpower in the forseeable future but the United States of America. Russia has been difficult over Iraq, along with ‘another nation.'”

After the speech, I got to meet Prime Minister Howard. I had actually met him the night before at the gala dinner proceeding the conference. He was warm and friendly. He was among friends, but so were we. I did not bring the gift I had for him that night, so I was lucky I got to see him after his speech to give him his gift, that being the aforementioned article I wrote for him thanking him for his service to the world.

I said to him, “Mr. Howard, it is an honor sir. It is fitting that you admire Mr. Churchill. I am a republican blogger. While you say the history books will be kind to President Bush, I want you to know that they will also be very kind to you. To praphrase Mr. Churchill, it is because I will be writing that history, and my keyboard will get the job done.”

He was thankful and grateful, and beyond pleasant.

I also met Mr. Howard’s wife Jeannette. An elegant and refined woman that appeared to combine the steel of Margaret Thatcher with the grace of Nancy Reagan, I reminded her of a comment her husband made in his speech about various past American Presidents. I then reminded her of another tradition.

“Mrs. Howard, It is also a tradition in America for defeated Presidents and Presidential candidates, especially republican ones, to come back and rule again. Is your husband ready to enjoy his vacation and then rule Australia again in 2010?”

She laughed warmly but emphatically stated, “10 years of anyone ruling anything is enough. We had our time, and it is time to move on.”

After taking a couple pictures with Mr. Howard (he was pleased that I asked Mrs. Howard to be in the pictures as well), I thanked him again for his service and bade him Godspeed.

Between their dignity, grace, class, and kindness, it is nice to know that beneath that sincere veneer lay spines of steel. These people never “went wobbly.” They maintained their “stiff upper lips.”

May God bless Prime Minister John Howard and Mrs. Jeannette Howard.

I would say that the history books will vindicate John Howard and prove him right, but I am prepared to accelerate that vindication.

Mr. Howard, it is not that you will be right. You already are. I and many others in the free world thank you.

eric

The Republican Jewish Coalition held its quarterly leadership meeting in Las Vegas on Tuesday. As always, it combined a diverse group of speakers united by three common threads: 1) A Jewish perspective…2) A Politically right of center perspective…3) Most importantly, probably due to reasons 1 and 2, a significant and relevant perspective.

This conference may have occurred on March 4th, but it was no democratic primary. It mattered. As a member of the RJC leadership in California, I attend their leadership meetings not just to see old friends and make new ones, but to learn. These meetings are not for the intellectually faint hearted. With apologies to Gertrude Stein, there is plenty of there there.

The gala dinner the night before the meetings was a tribute to Republican Jewish Coalition Executive Director Matt Brooks, who was celebrating his 20th anniversary with the organization. It has often been stated that the number of republican Jews could fit in a phone booth. Apparently that memo was lost on the 30,000 members of this organization. Matt has played an instrumental role in this outreach.

The leader of the California chapter of the RJC is Larry Greenfield, and in a previous life he and I were soulmates. He is a conservative republican with a background in the military and Wall Street, as well as a football fan. I told him I was not going to this meeting because I had more important expenditures at the time. Larry then informed me that former Australian Prime Minister John Howard would be the featured speaker. Knowing that this was the political equivalent of feeding crack to a junkie, I shook my fist to the sky, said, D@ng you Larry Greenfield, and happily attended. With the exception of becoming a liberal, I cannot think of a reason to say no to anything Larry asks me.

Ari Fleischer gave the opening roast of Matt Brooks. As he said, a roast is a way of saying uncomplimentary things in a complimentary way. Ari handled it well, as expected.

John Howard is a legend. Last year the RJC’s featured guest was Vice President Dick Cheney. Like Mr. Cheney, Mr. Howard is an understated man whose significance to the world cannot be overstated. His visit to the RJC conference was his first visit to the United States since leaving his post as Prime Minister. The man is a rock star, and the RJC must be given credit for landing him as the featured guest. Mr. Howard is an admirer of Winston Churchill (his middle name is Winston), and I let him know that as a blogger, in the spirit of Churchill, history would be very kind to him because I would be writing that history. He was thankful and appreciative.

Vice President Cheney’s former Chief of Staff Scooter Libby was in attendance. He received a standing ovation, justifiably so. Given that Jews have suffered much persecution, it is no surprise that Mr. Libby is a sympathetic figure to many. Witch hunts know no bounds, and I hope that if they ever come for me, somebody will be there to speak up. Mr. Libby also has a bond with Jewish republicans, given that Jewish liberals want to destroy Jewish republicans and Bush appointees with reckless abandon simply for existing. I told Mr. Libby that I will continue to pray for him and his family.

Radio talk show Michael Medved gave a brilliant presentation on why Jews are overwhelmingly politically liberal. His message is not entirely new, but it is such an intelligently delivered and relevant message that it needs to be hammered into every person who fails to understand the complicated dynamic that is the Hebrew people.

I had a nice conversation with Michael Medved and David Blumberg, who is trying to singlehandedly turn San Francisco republican red. He has not succeeded yet, but give him time. He is also a Wall Street guy, and wears his Bay Area republicanism proudly. As for Mr. Medved, he interviewed Richard Baehr from “The American Thinker” on his radio program. As always, Richard offered insightful analysis on everything from the 2008 elections to health care issues, his area of expertise.

An energy panel that included Cliff May, Dr. Gal Luft, Dr. Robert Zubrin, and Steven Hantler was simply brilliant. Reducing American dependence on foreign oil is an issue that can unite environmental liberals and national security conservatives. Dr. Luft might be one of the world’s foremost experts on flexible fuel vehicles. President Bush has stated in the past that America is “addicted to oil.” This panel offered a blueprint to break that stranglehold.

David Frum, author of the book about President Bush called “The Right Man,” led a group discussion that was focused on trying to make the republican party the majority party again. From 1980 to 2002, the republican party made gains. In 2002, there was actually party parity with the demagoguic and republican parties. Since then, the democrats now have a 5 to 3 voter advantage, back to the 1980 levels.

Many on the left will theorize that liberalism is simply the dominant philosophy. Of course, this is wrong. The republican party has great ideas, but no matter how good a product or service is, it must be marketed effectively. Mr. Frum focused on how conservatives can effectively mesh sound policy with a winning electoral strategy. One advantage we have is that we are united. The RJC did endorse Senator John McCain for President, and will work tirelessly to help elect this American hero and staunch friend of Jewish people and Israel.

Not to put the other RJC members to shame, but Las Vegas is about gambling, and the money I invested in a one armed bandit before I left Las Vegas yielded a spectacular 75% return. I then invested my $1.75 in a bottle of soda, which was 100% kosher.

While I could have rolled over those winnings another few hundred times, allowing me to be a member of the Chairman’s Council, such economic programs are best left for those that are not burdened by cumbersome concepts such as reality, that being most liberals, especially Jewish ones.

So while my $1 gamble did not allow me to grow rich financially, this conference absolutely nourished my brain, and those of virtually all in attendance.

America is locked in a life and death struggle to save all of humanity. Civilization cannot be rescued with platitudes, or even “solutions” disguised as platitudes. It requires rolling up our proverbial sleeves, and getting down to business. While there was entertaining aspects to the RJC quarterly winter leadership meeting, this was a serious business and policy conference.

I wish the Republican Jewish Coalition continued success, and look forward to a day when the words republican and Jewish become redundant.

eric

Las Vegas is a blast, and tonight the Tygrrrr Express glides to Chicago.

The plane better have Taco Tuesday results from the Texmex primary in the back of the seats.

Otherwise, I will be even more uninformed than usual.

I predict Hillary wins Ohio. Texas can go either way, but I predict she wins the popular vote, he wins enough delegates, and it is a mess. She stays in because she is her.

Roll out the barrel, the gang is all here, and the Pennsylvania Polka awaits.

Ok, this is where my readers make predictions.

This concludes this half-@ssed attempt at a column.

Off to catch a plane. Get your predictions in before the polls close.

Nothing like a four hour romp with a republican Jewish brunette, or as I call it, plane sleep.

Good flight…good night.

eric

This afternoon the Tygrrrr Express will be headed to the city named after me, that being Sin City. Yet sinning will not be at a premium on this trip. I arrive in Las Vegas with enough time to get to the hotel for a gala dinner sponsored by the Republican Jewish Coalition. I am a member of the leadership, and it will be an enjoyable evening.

Tomorrow I will be in leadership meetings, where the keynote speaker will be the former Prime Minister of Australia, John Howard. He is one of the great world leaders of all time, and my admiration for him is boundless. The 1980s had Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. The 21st century has George W. Bush, Ariel Sharon, Tony Blair and John Howard.

With no time to breathe, as soon as the conference ends on Tuesday, I race back to the airport for a flight to Chicago. My plan is to freeze to death.

Yet as much as I will love Las Vegas and detest Chicago, my big regret is that by the time I get to the hotel Tuesday night, it will be time to go to sleep. Events will have occurred in Ohio, Texas, Vermont and Rhode Island that could determine whether Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama earns the right to get trounced by John McCain in November.

Due to my inability to provide quality analysis until internet access is provided on planes besides Air Force One, I will write my post game analysis before the pre game warmups. At least one of these scenarios will be right.

Also, I can now safely predict the results of the Iowa Caucus and the most recent Superbowl.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/01/iowa-praying-for-ice-storms/

As for March 4th, below is the pre-advance for special people only recap.

1) Well all, it seems that the lights have finally been turned out on the nightmare that is the Hillary Clinton death squad. I hope she does not let the door hit her badonkadonk on the way out. Her spirit is crushed, and rumor has it Bill Clinton is recovering somewhere from a blow to the head. Not since Steadman Graham has a man so powerful been so incognito. Barack Obama is now the nominee.

2) Well all, it seems Hillary has not only lost the election but lost her mind. Apparently she was seen torching cars while yelling, “I hate you people.” Then again, this behavior often occurs after Browns games, so people assumed she was happy that Cleveland picked up a new wide receiver. Anyway, she has insisted that the dynamite they found on her was for peaceful purposes only, and that she is shocked that anybody would think that she would fly into a rage over something as silly as seeing  a lifelong dream that was owed to her because of her cheating husband get crushed. The police wanted to take her out with an elephant tranquilizer, but she hates republicans. They are looking for a donkey tranquilizer. Apparently she could be heard yelling about donkeys, saying, “You want to see an @ss, look at this.”

3) Hillary Clinton has pulled off a miracle. Not since the 1980 Olympic Hockey Medal Game have we seen such a shocker. Obama is searching the streets of Ohio looking for substance. He hopes he can glue it to his body and take it to Pennsylvania. Hillary is the new comeback kid, and superdelegates are flipping back to her faster than a Dan Rather metaphor that makes no sense.

4) The race is an exact tie. Confusion is reigning supreme, which is par for the course for the democratic party. Both sides are looking for one voter to break the tie and claim a mandate. A frozen guy in Cleveland died a few years ago. He was homeless for two decades, and Hillary and Barack are trying to revive him and get him to the polls. Chicago Mayor Daley has traveled to Ohio to get the dead man’s ballot prepared, while Hillary and Obama blamed George W. Bush for the cold weather and the cold cruel world that caused the homeless man’s death.

5) Both candidates are asking for Vermont and Rhode Island to be redone because they could not bring themselves to care the first time due to Texas and Ohio. An agreement in principle has been reserved to have the votes done in December. Both candidates have promised with every fiber of their being to show up then.

In other news, Andrea Mitchell is an expert on everything because she gets it in a (redacted) way from Alan Greenspan.

Larry King looks fabulous for a deceased guy, and he would marry Angie Dickinson in a heartbeat if he could remember who she was.

Greta Van Susteren forgot to cover the primaries because somebody floated rumors that somebody was going to announce that nothing new had developed in the Natalee Holloway case, and it had to be covered immediately.

Shepherd Smith and Anderson Cooper both want everybody to know how handsome they are.

Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes completely disagreed on what the results meant.

Celebrity guest analyst Tony Bennett began crooning “The Pennsylvania Polka,” as Geraldo Rivera and Chris Matthews announced that it was time to roll out the barrel, because the gang truly is all here.

Anyway, master prognosticator that I am, as soon as the results come in, I will delete the other scenarios and click on the one that I knew was right all along.

In further news, Barack Obama is black, Hillary Clinton is female, John McCain is old, and Mike Huckabee is religious.

Like Steve Marting in the movie “LA Story,” whose prediction of the weather was usually right, this concludes my post game analysis of Taco Texas Tuesday, or Tex-Mex Tuesday, or Where are Vermont and Rhode Island Anyway Tuesday, or whatever this day is called.

As for the candidates, they will most likely stay in Texas. Only an idiot would voluntarily go to Ohio or other cold weather states in February.

With any luck, the firm will move our office into the hotel I am staying at so I can conduct business meetings in my Hefner style silk pajamas.

Like Nicolas Cage, shortly after I arrive, I will be Leaving Las Vegas. Although I do not drink, I had better think of something to numb the pain.

I wonder if Hillary’s health care plan covers gang green surgery from frostbite.

This may not be the deepest analysis, which makes me qualified to work at MSNBC.

This concludes my coverage of the March 4th primaries. For those who found my analysis irrelevant, put things in perspective. I am covering democrats after all.

eric