THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Today was a serious day. There were plenty of pockets of fun, but today was about the trip to one of the holiest sites in the world, the Wailing Wall of Jerusalem.

Upon reaching the Wall I sang Pink Floyd’s “Another brick in the wall,” yelling, “Leave those kids alone! Then I sang “Screaming at the Wailing Wall by Flogging Molly.”

No, not really. International incidents are not my thing.

In news unrelated to the Wall, upon walking into my hotel in Jerusalem, the big flat screen in the lobby was turned to Fox News.

Finally! Given that CNN has further global reach than Fox News due to obvious political biases, it was a pleasure to see Fox News. While this could have been a coincidence, I suspect that this was deliberate. As delightful as Arab Christine Amanpour is on Jewish issues everywhere, the network with the Pro-Israel bent should be the network of choice in Israel, especially Jerusalem.

I managed to get a picture of myself with world flags on one side of me and Fox News on the other. The real reason I did that is because by coincidence, my friend Jonathan Hoenig, aka the Capitalist Pig, was on tv.

Fox News also announced that we lost another talented American, in this case Isaac Hayes. He was the voice behind “Shaft,” as well as “Chef” on South Park. He left us at 65, too soon.

In Olympic news, an Iranian athlete refused to compete against an Israeli athlete. I am sure the Israeli athlete would have kicked rumpus anyway.

I also learned today that the only thing scarier than an Arab terrorist is an aggressive cab driver. Whether Israeli or Arabic, they are relentless. The guy was not rude, but hours after he dropped us off, he saw me and the Chicago Cannonball and said, “Mr. Los Angeles, Ms. Chicago, I am at your service tomorrow. Only 250 shekels.” I heard it many times in his cab.

Whether Tel Aviv or Jerusalem, the service industry in general is lacking. Customer service is an oxymoron. However, most cab drivers, while pushy for more business, get the job done at a reasonable price.

In food news, I debated whether or not to order an Arabic salad. That way I could repeatedly stab it with a fork. I would drown it in unhealthy dressing and violently stab at it, one fork jab for every Jew murdered during the intifada.

Actually, I was just hungry. I asked the waitress what the difference was between an Israeli salad and an Arabic salad. She told me, “nothing.”

Then I got the idea of salad for peace. I, as a proud Jew and son of a Holocaust survivor, could eat an Arabic salad in the name of peace. In the background would be the Beatles singing, “Come together, right now, over me.”

Nevertheless, the lure of trying a veal burger was too strong, and my salad for peace movement collapsed under the bloodlust for meat. The burger was average, but the potatos were outstanding.

Yet Jerusalem is a serious city. There is a Jewish Quarter and a Muslim Quarter. The Christian and Armenian round out the square. Yes, I did just try to round out a square. The cab driver that took us from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem stopped 90% of the way through the cab ride. Going to our hotel apparently required going through the Muslim Quarter. How incredibly comforting.

The Chicago Cannonball and I got in a second cab, as I prayed not to die. No, I do not think all Muslims are terrorists, but I knew nothing about the Muslim Quarter, and perhaps it might be inciting trouble to go into “their” quarter.

Nevertheless, there were plenty of Jews in the area, and we checked in, and then headed for the Western Wall.

The way to the Western Wall goes through the Damascus Gate. There is plenty of shopping there, as Jews and Arab Muslims compete to see who can sell the most useless merchandise. Actually, there were some cool t-shirts, from the poignant to the delightfully offensive. I also saw sports t-shirts mixing English and Hebrew. They had the Dallas Cowboys and Philadelphia Eagles. The store owner had heard of the Oakland Raiders, but did not have one. He might be getting one. I hope so.

The Western Wall is one of the most meaningful places on Earth for Jews everywhere. I went to the wall, placed my hand on it, said a Jewish prayer known as “The Shema.” “Here O’ Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One.” I had a list of names of people that asked me to pray for them and others, and read every name on the list.

I made my request of God. If it gets released to to media I will get quite salty. I placed my folded note to God in the Wall and added another prayer. I then found the on site Chabad House, and told them that I “Thank God for Chabad.” I live in Los Angeles within walking distance of the global headquarters of Chabad, but to see this was special.

In Jerusalem near the Wall are synagogues, churches and mosques. I took pictures in front of all of them. The Arabs I encountered were not friendly or unfriendly. They were not in any way mean. They simply had different business than I did, and respectfully went about their business as I did mine. In all honesty, in some cases I could not tell if the person was Israeli or Arab.

As for the merchants, they just wanted business as any merchant would. Yet one Jewish merchant insisted on kissing me on the cheek as a member of the tribe. This was right before attempting to overcharge us for a long skirt so that the Chicago Cannonball could look ladylike at the Wall. She is a tough negotiator, and got her price.

My rule of thumb is that if the merchant is Jewish, haggle with him. If the merchant is an Arab, just pay them. I know I may be getting fleeced, but I do not want to come across as a cheap Jew. The stereotype bothers me enough that I would rather get bilked.

During dinner at an exotic hotel adjacent to ours, the sounds of “Allah Akbar” at a mosque were overheard, and it sounded…peaceful. I was thrilled to hear Islam the way it is supposed to be heard. I did not feel threatened.

I posed for a picture in frnt of a Palestinian pottery place, because when I think of Palestinians, I think of beautiful things being built such as pottery. Over the years I will tell my friends that I went to the Gaza Strip, declared peace in our time, and the Palestinians put down their arms and we all made pottery. The truth is I was in the Jewish area of Jerusalem, where Palestinians can operate a shop in peace. I want every peaceful person in this world to have this right, and hope that young Palestinians see that their own lot will improve when they can look me in the eye and see humanity.

I m trying very hard on this trip to separate the good Palestinians from the bad ones, but they do not ake it easy. I rarely let my politics interfere with other apsects of my life, but on Arab merchant had t-shirts that I almost bought. I was going to buy several of them. Then I saw e had one t-shirt that he was seling that said “President Arafat.” I decided not to buy from him. Besides, I should buy them from a Jewish merchant anyway.

Make no mistake about it. While Christianity and Islam have beautiful aspects of their faiths, Israel is a Jewish state, and Jerusalem is about Jews. As I saw Israeli flags flying high in the sky, I felt elated knowing that there was a place where all Jews can go. Outside of America, we have few options. Also, Israel is a Jewish state. The Arab Muslims have 22 states. They do not need 23.

Later tonight my friend Uri gets married. A wedding in Israel with people of all stripes will be an experience to remember.

Yet for now, with the Wailing Wall in the rear view mirror, it is time to get serious, as in some serious shopping. There are t-shirts waiting to be bought.

On to the next adventure.

eric

The Tygrrrr Express is making its way from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

First of all, I offer my condolences to the family of Bernie Mac. I found him very funny. The world has lost a great comedian.

In political news, I have not heard anything about either Presidential candidate for a couple days. In business news, I have no idea what the financial markets are doing.

This vacation stuff rocks.

Some British comedy show came on. Hey, the Chicago Cannonball needs to do something while I wrap up this column. One character said, “I love Jimmy Hendrix. He wasn’t the same after he left the village people.”

As for Israel, we visited the city of Jaffa. We went on a boat cruise of the Mediterranean Sea.

In Israel, apparently the standards for leading boat cruises are not rigorous. Joseph Hazelwood, fresh off of his Exxon Valdez escapade, may have been leading our boat.

Steady as she goes is apparently passe. Choppy as she goes is the rule.

A friend of mine joined the Chicago Cannonball and me. My friend pointed out to me that we may have been the only Jews on the boat. It was mostly Arabs, wearing green.

I am not sure I have been around that many Arabs before, but their customs did not seem out of the ordinary. My brief observation of them is that they like to drink soda and beer, take pictures of the sea, and eat nuts, which I believe were pistachioes.

Due to the choppy waters, the Chicago Cannonball’s beer slid down the table, and I caught it just before it crashed. The oyung Arab fellow sitting near us laughed, with us and not at us.

I did not bond with any of them, but I felt no hostility either. We were all simply strangers on a ship enjoying a pleasant tour.

So yes, this was a learning experience. No, it has not changed my views about international politics. However, it is nice that individuals can spend 30 minutes with each other and focus only on the peaceful calm of the environment. Well, the people were peaceful. Again, the Jerry Garcia looking fellow that was imitating Captain Bligh did his part to create a Six Flags Great Adventure ride on the high seas.

At least we did not have to eat grog.

Although Saturday nights in Israel are normally rocking, the holiday of Tish B’av started on Saturday night, rendering many parts of the city dead zones.

Luckily, Tel Aviv still has areas of excitement. We found the party area, and they even have a bar entitled “Alcohol on the beach.” Israelis are not known for subtlety.

We decided not to go to the disco because my friend went the night before and informed us that they are overpriced, crowded, and don’t get going until 2am. However, in our cab ride home, there was some techno music. So we did get in the Israel discotheque experience, albeit for 10 minutes.

Now we are off to Jerusalem. It is my goal to get to the Wailing Wall today. I have many prayers to offer on behalf of those who requested them.

Now if only I could find a sports page or ESPN to see how my football team did today. My kickball team plays today, and I hope they rain down pink fury on their opponents. Go Ballbusters!

The adventure continues, from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

eric

The Chicago Cannonball and I were prepared to make tonight about beaches and discos. We were not prepared for the most bizarre for of domestic terrorism the world has ever seen. Glass was shattered, and there was metal involved, but this will not make the newspaper.

Yes folks, BMX Terrorism is upon us.

Before getting to the violence, some brief updates on other matters.

The Packers deserve to go 3-13 instead of 13-3. The way Brett Favre was treated was sinful. It is a metaphor for deeper things I will go into at a later date.

Although I have watched virtually no television, my internet told me that John Edwards fessed up to having an affair. I stayed far away from it when it was first broken because there was only speculation, not evidence. I did remark that the Enquirer and Star Magazine have broken stories before, but this one I wanted no part of until it was confirmed. I will deal with it when I get back. I am on vacation.

Although I find the Olympics collosally boring, I caught a few minutes of the opening ceremonies. I was happy for China, and want all politics out of the Olympics. Then people can go back to being bored over sports few care about. The Chicago Cannonball remarked that Monaco does not need a team because only 8 people live there.

They are called the Olympic games because until the NFL gets involved, it is not a sporting event. That is my ugly American remark for the day. As I said, if we win, I might get a free fruit pie at McDonalds.

Yao Ming is tall. I have nothing else to add to that. He just is.

Now for the world of beaches, discos, and BMX terrorism in Israel.

We did not make it to the discos. We will do that tonight.

However, the beach was gorgeous. The restaurant bar on the beach was paradise. We had the Mediterranean Sea in front of us. We stayed until almost 4am.

Yet as much as most of the evening was peaceful, BMX Violence reined down.

The Chicago Cannonball and I were sitting at our table when glass and metal went flying.

We did not fear for our lives. However, this was BMX Violence at its worst.

The young boy was about 12 years, and while the bicycle he was riding may not have been BMX, I only know them, Schwinn, and Huffy. BMX sounds best.

Our table was the closest one to the bike path, and this boy veered towrds us. He was quite inebriated.

When his bike hit our table, our glasses spilled all over us. My black jeans were covered either in beer or diet Sprite. The Chicago Cannonball got doused as well.

The boy somehow managed not to fly across our table. He was polite, slurring the words “excuse me” in Hebrew, which the Chicago Cannonball translated.

I got up and rushed over to him just before he fell down. I held his bicycle up. This kid was blitzed.

Another guy said, “He may be drink.” I replied, “You think!”

The boy then laughed, unaware of anything that had occurred.

The man walked the boy away as we all laughed, since everybody was ok.

We moved over to the next table, and the waitress made it clear that “we were not going to be bombed here.”

Maybe so, but I am not sure we were totally safe either!

The people in nearby tables said that they had never seen that before. Some of them wanted to make sure that I did not blame all Israel for this one boy.

I told them tht I prayed that the boy was not American, since I did not want all Americans to be blamed either. Everyone laughed.

Yes, had we been in the Gaza Strip, and had the boy been Arab or Palestinian, perhaps the table would have exploded as soon as the boy made contact. I would not be laughing about it, that is for sure.

On a more serious note, I hope this boy’s parents discipline him, since in 4 years he might be driving a car.

Anyway, the land of milk and honey is not bad so far, although I have not tried any milk or honey.

I do look forward to the discos. They are indoors, which means the BMX Palestinian Hamas Hezbollah Cabal will not get to us inside.

Also, we were charged for our drinks anyway. Several Shekels should be taken from this boy’s allowance.

All is well, and I will be riding a bicycle tomorrow. If I see this boy, I will bike over to him and steal his ice cream while yelling “Allah Akbar.”

No, not really.

eric

Now that I have my first day in Israel under my belt, I have some random scattered observations to offer. I am hardly an expert, but know ever so slightly less than nothing.

Before getting to Tel Aviv, some quick tidbits.

Mike Farrell from Mash was on the plane. He was very nice. I do not know Mash, but I saw him on either O’Reilly or Hannity and Colmes. Although he is a lefty, I found him decent and thoughtful. I told him that I appreciated his raising the level of discourse. We shook hands.

Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann completed her email interview with me. I will publish it August 14th. She is a stunning woman, and I will leave it at that.

Lastly, The Brett Favre trade from the Packers to the Jets is a big deal, and a win for the Jets. Chad Pennington now needs a home.

Now back to Tel Aviv.

I pictured bomb shelters everywhere, and people wearing helmets. It is just the opposite. The people are happy, laughing, joking, and enjoying life. I did have to go through security just to eat a restaurant, which was a reminder of the danger. However, the people moved unimpeded. Perhaps their very conditions keep them so relaxed. Whatever the reason, life was bustling with activity.

Taxicabs are everywhere, and the prices are reasonable. Also, an expensive meal by Israel standards was cheaper than it would be in Los Angeles.

The hotel does have a gorgeous view, but the room is quite small for a luxury hotel. Also, in a very odd twist, the room has two twin beds next to each other. However, the crack in the middle occurs because it is not stable. Therefore, the Chicago Cannonball and I cannot be in the middle or one of us would plunge 12 inches to our death. Actually, 12 inches would most likely be a bruise.

Tel Aviv is a secular city, unlike Jerusalem, which is religious. So rather than Friday night in temple, a disco or club is more likely. Much of the food here is not even kosher. There is a McDonalds, a Japanese sushi place, and an Irish pub. I wonder if Ireland has Jewish bars.

Also, we are walking distance from the beach, and the mall is nearby. The beach is impressive. The mall is not.

An outdoor bazaar/flea market type of environment was enjoyable. I did not expect to see so much American stuff. Israelis were selling Marilyn Monroe stuff, New York Yankees hats, and Hellraisers tshirts. Thankfully, there was some Israeli stuff as well.

The Chicago Cannonball took me to a place that was supposedly world famous for its Hummus. I am not a hummus guy. To me, hummus is hummus. Nevertheless, it was not bad, although world famous is a stretch. I asked for bread, and was told by one of the locals to call it “pita.” I did, so as not to be seen as an ugly American.

I hve no CNN or Fox News, and cannot be happier. I did watch 5 minutes of Desperate Housewives.

The music is pleasant, and it was funny to hear “Smokin’ in the Boys Room” sung in Hebrew. Motley Crue would have liked it (They remade it anyway).

Some incredibly large woman wore a t-shirt that said “Boeing 777.” I had to laugh because maybe she was one.

Most importantly, I still have not found the Zohan.

It will happen. For now, I will watch and learn, and relax poolside.

eric

After what seemed like an eternity and a half, the Tygrrrr Express has landed, and is now blogging from Tel Aviv, Israel.

I would describe all the beautiful experiences, but the Chicago Cannonball and I just got to the hotel.

We are within walking distance to the beach and the shopping areas.

Until tomorrow…

Shalom all!

eric

The Tygrrrr Express is Israel Bound.

The Chicago Cannonball and I are headed to Israel. A friend of mine is getting married in Jerusalem.

I have never been to Israel before, and I honestly have no idea what to expect.

Many people just assume that being Jewish and being to Israel are synonymous. My heritage is Brooklyn, specifically the Coney Island area.

I have had every chance under the sun to go to Israel for free, and I was too dumb to do it. For Jewish people between the ages of 18 and 26, there is a trip called “Birthright Israel.” Again, it is free.

I am determined to go into this trip with an openminded attitude.

Having said that…hell yeah, I’m scared!

I keep hearing how safe Israel is, and how the people feel safe there. Please. It’s a war zone. I am entering a war zone.

Oh wait, I am supposed to be openminded.

I will be in Tel Aviv for three days in a luxury hotel by the Port. I will then be in another luxury hotel in Jerusalem for three days, before flying home and going straight to work, where I will sleep at my desk.

The one thing I promised myself is that upon leaving the United States, I will follow the advice of 1980s singer El Debarge in his song “Rhythm of the night.”

“Forget about the worries on your mind. You can leave them all behind.”

Human beings have worries. It is part of being human.

Yes, I have things at work that really need to be taken care of. The boss made it clear that it can wait until I get back. I am on vacation, and I will not be bringing work with me or checking my company email. As much as it hurts to admit, I am far from indispensable. The company survived long before I arrived, and the firm will remain strong upon my one day leaving.

Nevertheless, so many people have to work on vacation. I am thrilled that I will not.

I will also not be following the Presidential campaign.

Barack Obama and John McCain will not be spending their time focusing on my trip. Mr. Obama just had a birthday, and he did not invite me to his party. Therefore, my time in Israel will be free of both of them. Fox News and CNN will have to survive with one less viewer. MSNBC might not survive with one less viewer, but that is their problem.

Politics is important. The decision on who should lead the free world is relevant. Yet some people believe that it will affect their ability to enjoy life. That should not happen.

John McCain and Barack Obama will be wearing suits in the heat of August, groveling for votes. I will be relaxing.

International politics will not be on the agenda. I will not be visiting the Gaza Strip. I will not be wearing any controversial t-shirts, unless people really detest Guns n Roses. I will not be singing about bombing Iran.

I am a guest in a foreign country, and I refuse to feed the stereotype of the ugly American. My mouth will be shut, and my eyes and ears will be wide open.

The stock market will do whatever it decides to do, and my location will have zero impact. 10 years ago I was on a cruise to Mexico with my parents. They caught me watching the stock ticker on the cruise ship, and pulled me out of my room.

I am older now. I value time more. It is finite, and seems to move so rapidly. I refuse to be somebody jailed by his own finances.

As for the National Football League, everybody should be allowed one obsession exemption. The minute news breaks out, I expect to be informed. I just have not figured out the logistics.

Blogging will take a semi-holiday. My columns are prepared in advance, with minor adjustments as events on the ground dictate.

For instance, If Israel bombs Iran, I may have to adjust my “This is a beautiful, peaceful, quiet trip,” column.

Other than that, the Chicago Cannonball and I will shop, enjoy the beach (well she will, I hate the beach), enjoy the nightclubs and discos, and experience cultural and spiritual beauty.

Also, I am determined to find the Zohan. I will have to do that by myself, since the Chicago Cannonball has no patience for such stupidity. To her consternation, I apparently tolerate an abundance of it. I know the Zohan is out there, and he cannot hide forever.
The bottom line is that there is a big wide world out there, and while a brief visit will not make me an expert, it will enrich me.

My tivo is set to record the Raiders and the 49ers in my absence.

Other than that, the Chicago Cannonball and I will relax next to each other on the plane, and sleep soundly.

No, this is not Canton, Ohio, but it could still be very special.

I am sure when I reach the Wailing Wall, I will be overcome with a flood of emotions. For those who require prayers at the wall, I am happy to offer them.

I just worry about being in a third world area where lawlessness and crime run rampant. Then again, despite my stopover in New Jersey, as long as I stay in the airport and do not roam the Jersey streets, I should be safe once I get to Israel.

(Like Israel, I keep hearing that Jersey is safe. I remain skeptical)

To quote the lead character from an old MTV program, “Celebrity Deathmatch,” all I can say is that, “at this point it’s all over but the shouting.”

Israel bound, on the ground, safe and sound.

That will be the narrative.

eric