THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

The Tygrrrr Express is Bay Area bound for the weekend. After all, nothing says republican, Jewish, heterosexual and proud like Northern California.

I frequently attend events involving the Republican Jewish Coalition, since I am a member of the leadership. I frequently get to witness panels of experts discussing various topics, and I take copious notes.

I have been invited to be a panelist myself. The topic will be “The case for the GOP in 2008.” I will be speaking from a blogger’s perspective.

Since I am not talented enough to take notes on myself while speaking at the same time, I can reveal that I will make the same points I have been hammering since day one as a blogger.

The main thing I will emphasize is that it does not matter how good ideas are. If the marketing is bad, people will ignore the ideas. Yes, there are those on the hard left that actually believe that if they changed a few words, their noxious prescriptions for America would be palatable. Most people have seen liberalism, and realize that the entire ideology needs to go the way of the horse and buggie.

Yet conservatism is still a relevant philosophy. When practiced right, it works. The problem is that conservatives have not had a good marketer since Reagan.

President Bush was brilliant in a debate, when asked about gun control in the wake of a Columbine style shooting. Rather than take the bait, he stated that one thing we need to do is put our arms around kids and tell them we love them.

I can picture Oprah wetting her underwear at such emotional claptrap. Yet it works. Trying to argue against gun control on ideas such as respecting the Constitution do not work. We have to pull heartstrings.

We also have to force democrats to define themselves. We have to verbally smoke them out by forcing them to answer questions they desperately do not wish to answer.

When they blather on about “tax cuts for the wealthy,” we need to ask them “Who are the wealthy?” I want to force them to give me an exact dollar amount, where above that number, a person is wealthy. My parents managed to earn six figures when their incomes were combined, which is not wealthy, especially with a mortgage on Long Island. Once people see that their own middle class lives are deemed wealthy, they recoil in horror.

Bill Clinton claimed he would only raise taxes on the wealthy. Even the Jayson Blair Times saw this as false. It might have been the only time they were right about anything.

We need to ask liberals “If success could be attained in Iraq, would you stay?” When they start crying about how we are failing, and mismanagement, and lies, and blood for oil, steer them right back to the point. If we can succeed, would they stay? Then we should watch them twist like pretzels. Feeling failure is pessimistic. Endorsing failure is morally vile. That is today’s democratic party.

Yet the main point I will emphasize on the panel I am on is that we absolutely must be pleasant. We must be likable. Virtually every issue can be defused with humor.

I am deadly serious about my conservative beliefs, but I am still able to explain my beliefs in a lighthearted manner. The biggest sins of anybody trying to communicate are stridency, viciousness, and especially…being boring.

Boring people stand up and talk about postulates. Interesting people captivate an audience. I must confess I am on the verge of boring people to tears to describe what makes people interesting. So here are some examples of captivation.

The problem of Jewish people dying off through lack of reproduction is the biggest threat the people of the book have faced in 50 years. Yet to describe in mind numbing detail the statistics of reproduction is torture that the Geneva Convention might take issue with. Yet my article, “Sir, I impregnated your daughter. No Need to thank me!” hits the issue home.

I have spoken about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with columns entitled, “Burn, Gaza Burn, Disco Inferno,” which compares the problem to 70s disco music. “I’ll have Gaza Strip and Eggs for breakfast please, sunny side down and burnt to a crisp,” offered another angle. “Mr. Moderate Palestinian Leader, Meet Mr. Easter Bunny,” offered yet another take. The message was clear.

People who encounter me start out by saying, “This guy has some serious screws loose.” Yes, it scares away the more stodgy people, but some stick around because they like train wrecks. By the time they are done reading my column, they are thinking, “There is some serious common sense here.” Also, I am as likable as the average bear.

There is nothing wrong with the conservative message. What is wrong is when republicans betray our own message. Liberals win elections when they run away from themselves. Conservatives win when they show their true colors.

Americans are frustrated with the Iraq War. Yet at no time did the American people want to lose. They were not upset we were still there. They were upset at a perceived lack of progress. Americans demand success, and have every right to do so.

Americans do not hate rich people. They like living in a nation where they can become rich. Forcing the rich to pay their fair share is a tired slogan. Rich people provide jobs. They are producers. They already pay their fair share.

Not every CEO in America is greedy. Not every person with means is a bad person.

Most importantly, conservatives are happier people than liberals. Listen to those on the far left. They are often dour. The world is miserable, the sky is falling, and everything is wrong.

People do not want to hear this. They want to hear about what we can do. We put a man on the moon. We invented the internet. We have revolutionized medicine. People are living longer, and many diseases that killed 100 years ago now are cured with a pill.

We are a nation of manifest destiny, and the way to spread a message is to let people know what we are capable of achieving with good old fashioned American ingenuity.

I disagree with the politics of Barack Obama, but his slogan “Yes, we can!” is simply more inspiring than anything Hillary Clinton has come up with. John McCain’s personal heroism and sacrifice make for an amazing message about what happens when a brave man digs down deep and finds what he is made of. He has the style and the substance.

Americans believe in personal responsibility. Now if I were to write a column called, “Lost your home? Screw You!,” people would be angry with me. So instead, I can write a column about deliberately trying to lose as much money as possible, because the more I lose, the better chance I have of getting a government bailout. I will buy a 7 billion dollar home later in the week and then default. Like a Dilbert Manager, I will bungle my way to wealth and success.

Yes, it is the same message, but it is palatable, and self deprecating.

Trying to argue the intellect of global warming is exhausting, and changes nobody’s opinion. Yet when Howard Stern suggested we start recycling toilet paper, it was a way of poking fun at where to draw the line.

As for what I have just told all of you, I doubt I will get to it all. I only have a limited time to speak, which is best for pretty much most of Western Civilization.

I will make sure to brag about my three fatwas, one from a Palestinian group, one from the Daily Kos, and one from the National Organization for Women. Apparently they simply do not agree with my column advocating the repeal of the 19th Amendment.

The illegal immigration debate is entrenched, but a discussion of sealing off red states to protect them from blue state migration is a lighter approach.

Also, abortion is a less charged topic when the issue becomes one of eugenics. By allowing liberals to have more abortions, it helps conservatives win elections.

I may not always be right (although I very well could be), but I am always entertaining (or perhaps not).

When all is said and done, I only hope that the RJC sees my contribution to the panel as sheer brilliance. If I was writing the review, I know I would. Yet as I said earlier, trying to write my own notes while speaking will be next to impossible.

I could use this column as my pre panel notes. Or I could forget to bring it with me.

I may wing it, since I speak better on the fly. I just have to remember that discussing my plan to impregnate republican Jewish brunettes would not lead to a second panel experience. Plus, the Chicago Cannonball would be quite salty with me if I did.

So what is the case for the GOP in 2008?

I will let you all know after I say it, if I remember.

I know it has something to do with us being right and them being off their leftist rockers.

eric

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are ripping each other to shreds for the right to be irrelevant in November. The loser in the primary is better off based on historical trends. Losing in a primary is not a death sentence. Losing in the general election is a career ender. The days of coming back as Richard Nixon did are long gone. While Hillary would most likely not get another shot since she was the initial inevitable favorite, Obama could lose and get another chance, especially if people feel Hillary cheated him. Yet if Obama loses the general election, he is done.

Before getting into the lilliputians that the democrats consider party kingmakers later in the week, a couple lighthearted moments shall be dispatched.

Hillary is comparing herself to Rocky. She most likely means Rocky Balboa, an American hero. She is more like Rocky Squirrel, which would make sense since she seems to think that all republicans are Boris Badanoff. I wonder if she thinks Obama is Bullwinkle. He does seem to tower over her, and is funnier. She as Rocky Squirrel is the exasperated straight person. Hillary, Wassamatta U?

As for Obama, Obama is a terrible bowler. He bowled a 37 after only 7 frames. People do not bowl that horribly unless they have practically never bowled. Obama wanted to look like a regular guy, so he tried to engage in a sport that regular people do. He would not be the first politician to do this. Yet I have to admire at how he handled the situation. He laughed about it. He was dreadful, and he had fun. Ronald Reagan was the master at self deprecation, and Obama truly does seem like a man comfortable in his own skin. His bowling balls went into the gutter, but he still picked up votes.

Speaking of the gutter, Hillary Clinton is still running for President. One of her biggest flaws is that she has to be perfect. She will not allow herself to be vulnerable. She is seen as a robot, an android, a…non-human. She cannot allow herself to be bad at anything. Can anybody see Hillary putting on those bowling shoes and publicly failing?

Obama is the last guy I would want on my bowling team, but he seems like a guy that I would be happy to trade laughs with at the bowling alley. It makes me think of somebody else that was fun to be around, who is far away right now.
A dear friend of mine is getting married in Israel in several months. He is like a brother to me, and I am saddened by his living in Israel and not Los Angeles. I have never been to Israel, but I have to go to his wedding. I have so many memories of hanging out with him, but one memory was a Jewish singles event at a bowling alley.

The event was “Cosmic Bowling.” It is like trying to bowl blind. There are swirling disco lights, and blaring music. Between frames, people would dance in the aisles. I am the only person I know to bowl a strike while dancing to Hot Chocolate’s “You sexy thing.” I also remember leaving the 10 pin so many times that the last time it wobbled, stood up, cursed at me, and smiled, I told my friend that if it did not go down I was going to go kick it.

We all had a great time, but one thing I remember was that after 5 frames, his score was…1. That’s right. 5 frames. 10 balls thrown. 9 gutters, and one ball that somehow hit one pin. Ironically, I think it was the 10 pin I kept missing. Yet he was laughing about it, and we laughed with him, not at him.

He kept me very humble that night because as awful as his bowling was, he was a master of foosball. Perhaps he was not a master. Perhaps I was just that terrible. By the time I blinked, he had scored a goal. I still do not understand how he kept doing that. I think his side of the machine had twice as many players and controllers. Nevertheless, any whipping he took on the lanes was avenged by the foosball Gods.

We both had a great time, and we lifted each other up, rather than tear each other down. That is what friends do. The purpose of the event was to meet Jewish girls, and while neither of us found romance that night, we both ended up partying with a mixed group of 10-14 people until about four in the morning.

The girls did not see me as a lousy foosball player or a good bowler. They did not see my friend as a foosball king or a bowling disaster. They saw us as friends that were comfortable in our own skin. They liked us as people. As for why we did not find romance, I do not think either of us knew what to say to girls, although at least my friend realized that. I maintain that my “game” with the ladies was equivalent to foosball…misunderstood.

Hillary would argue that it is not about likability, but about effectiveness. This argument does not work, especially when the effectiveness argument is blown to kingdom come like a Bosnia sniper.

I still to this day wonder why Hillary’s advisers refused to even try and show her as likable. It would not have swayed me, but it could have swayed others on the fence. It almost seemed like her advisers conceded that she was unlikable.

She had slogans such as “Ready on day 1,” “Solutions, not speeches,” and other forgettable phrases. She even mentioned in one particularly boring speech (which says a lot for her) that she “knows how to run the bureaucracy.” People dislike bureaucracy. Bureaucrats are people that offer red tape and excuses rather than results.

Competence over ideology is a losing formula. People want bold visions, not nuanced wonkishness. They want to be led. They want to be inspired. They want to like the person they vote for.

Nobody disputes Hillary’s intelligence or her discipline. They simply find her cold, despite trying to seem girlish by saying “okee dokee artichokee.” She just comes across as the person who comes in the room, and ends the fun everybody is having.

Life is tough. There is suffering. Yes, we need a manager that can fix problems. Yet we also need a leader.

John McCain has great Navy stories about his bad behavior. . Barack Obama can share laughs over a dreadful day at the bowling alley.

Hillary has crickets chirping.

I have said in the past that I think Hillary is not a good human being. Yet she is a human being. Human beings fail. It is part of what makes us human.

My dear friend did not stop one of the worst games of bowling prevent him from being one of the most liked people on the planet. In fact, I do not know a person that dislikes him (I certainly cannot say the same about myself).

Barack Obama may have been 263 points from a perfect game, but he did understand one thing that regular people do understand.

Bowling is about having fun. He was having fun. The score took a back seat to the cameraderie.

Having fun? Perhaps somebody can show Hillary how. Perhaps she can hire a focus group and take a poll to learn how.

I am grateful I can just have fun naturally. It comes with being a regular person.

eric

After watching the Celebrity Apprentice, I became a fan of Trace Adkins. I am unfamiliar with his music, but will most likely (legally of course) obtain some this weekend and listen to it. I suspect I will like it. I did buy his book, and while I am only a few pages in, I am already a die hard fan of this guy. I know he is a busy guy, but if I am ever in Tennessee when he is, I will buy him a beverage.

http://www.traceadkins.com/main/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4DyA0BSvyk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc_uFqQ-LNg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBz5jDSljvs

His book is entitled “Trace Adkins…A Personal Stand: Observations and opinions from a freethinking roughneck.” It should be mandatory reading for every American. It is simple common sense, which can often be found in the heartland.

As I said, I am only a few pages in, but I am already prepared to ask Mr. Adkins to run for President of the United States provided that he is willing to take a 90% pay cut and a loss of prestige.

Mr. Adkins is plainspoken, but the bottom line is that he “gets it.”

With that, I bring you the wit and wisdom of country music sensation, Celebrity Apprentice candidate, and all around good human being, Trace Adkins.

He starts out telling a poignant story about how he explained 9/11 to his then three year old daughter. To witness such an atrocity as 9/11 as an adult is horrifying enough, and thankfully for him, his daughter was too young to understand what had happened. However, he wanted to let her know in his own calm, reassuring manner that it was not a normal day.

“My little girl loved to watch the planes come over. I leaned over to Mackenzie and said, ‘Let’s see how many airplanes we can count.’ She was excited. So we waited. And we waited. There were no planes. No planes at all. Now you can’t keep a three year old’s interest for very long.

‘There are no planes,’ she finally said and jumped up. ‘C’mon daddy, let’s go do something else.’

I held Mackenzie in my arms for awhile. Then I said to her, ‘Look at me sweetheart, and I want you to remember this. There was a day when daddy took you outside to see the planes and there were no planes flying anywhere in the sky. No planes.’

‘Why Daddy?’

‘Today the President said, ‘No one can fly planes today,’ so there are none. Today’s the only day this will happen. You will never see this again. I want you to remember what daddy showed you on the day there were no planes.’

That was the only way I could impress upon a three year old the importance of that sad and terrible time.”

I am not a father, and cannot imagine how much bloodlust I would have if one of my children were harmed in any way. If someone comes after me, I can deal with that. I am a pretty tough hombre. Yet going after people I care about crosses the line. Ask those that have done so.

His reaction to 9/11 was exactly how I felt. It was a combination of immediate rage, but with an understanding that calm must carry the day. Like many people I wanted President Bush to simply blow up every nation that was a suspect, regardless of whether or not they had anything to do with it. Guilty until proven innocent was fine by me. I also understood that the President needed to be a cooler head than me. Thankfully, he was.

Trace Adkins would have immediately held a conference call with every Arab leader. He would have then laid it all on the line.

“Listen. If this is the first salvo, the first shot, and if this is going to continue, then let it be known today that it will not continue for very long. We have the firepower to end this, and we’re willing to use it. My children and my grandchildren will not live in fear for the rest of their lives because that’s not living. That’s just existing.

I’m warning you folks right now, I’m willing to end it all. I will incinerate this rock starting with Afghanistan, and I mean it. If you’re not going to get with the terrorist eradication program and get your sh*t (sic) together, and if you permit this stuff to go on in your own countries, by God, I will end this now. We will all go to our maker and we’ll let him decide who was right.”

Trace Adkins then lets the readers of his book know in parentheses that cooler heads around him would be necessary. He lets us know that after his fiery speech to the Arab leaders, “it would have been at that moment, hopefully, that some sensible person in my administration would have dropped a horse tranquilizer in my coffee.”

Self deprecation aside, President Bush waited over three weeks before hammering the Taliban. Yes, some people wanted us to carpet bomb everything in sight within three minutes, but we needed to get it right. We needed a plan in place. We needed cold, decisive leadership, and we got it.

As for Mr. Adkins, he is just another example of why conservative Christians are better for Jews and Israel than liberal Jews will ever be. I have often said that liberal Jews need cranial-glutial extraction surgery. Trace Adkins uses simpler words, but he is not afraid to tell somebody that they have their head up their hide.

One month after 9/11, Trace Adkins was a guest on the Bill Maher program “Politically Incorrect.” Playing the role of the typical no nothing cranial-glutial linked liberal Jew peacenik appeaser was Julian Epstein, a former chief Democratic counsel for the House Judiciary Committee.

The show usually featured three liberals and one token conservative that was there as an entertainment foil for the left wing Maher. Yet many liberals did not understand that after 9/11, this country did swing to the right. They did not want dialogue. They wanted to take the bad guys and b*tchslap them. After the three liberals spoke their typical nonsense, Trace Adkins offered his common sense.

“This is going to come down to a scrap, and it’s going to be big and we’re going to have to settle this thing once and for all. We’re gonna have to end this thing. We’re going to have to fight it out till it’s over and until they don’t do this anymore. We’re going to have to go into Afghanistan and take care of this, and if Pakistan doesn’t like it, we thump their @ss (sic) too. That’s what we have to do. It’s inevitable.”

As the liberals stayed shocked, he continued.

“I don’t care what it’s about. I don’t care if it’s about religion or politics or economics or what it is. I know that they want to kill us and we have to kill them to stop it from happening. I don’t care what the reason is. They want to kill us! That’s all they care about. If we don’t kill them, we might as well just give up and say, ‘Okay, come live over here with us.'”

Liberal Jew (I will continue referring to him in this manner. As the son of a Holocaust survivor, I want to call out those that destroy their own people through naivety) Julian Epstein said to Mr. Adkins, “Man, you are really off the deep end and barbaric about this.”

Once again, Mr. Adkins offered common sense to a man who should have known better.

“You’re d@mn (sic) right I am! And of all people, you should be too. Your last name is Epstein for God’s sake. Those anti-semitic monsters hate you a lot worse than they do me! They might not give a sh*t (sic) about me, but they wouldn’t even waste time talking to you. They’ll just kill you. All they have to see is your last name and you’re a dead man. And you’re going to sit here and try to figure out why they’re doing all this stuff? Give me a break, man. Get on board the train, Hoss. We’re pulling out, and we’re going to kill these expletive b@stards (sic).”

Mr. Adkins has a message for America today that is every bit as powerful as it was after 9/11, and every bit as relevant.

“I stand by those words I uttered one month after the invasion. I still believe the only way to fight Islamic terrorism is to crack skulls. After eight years, Al Queda is not going to go away through kindness, education and tolerance. We need to flush them out of their caves and kill them. Then stream that footage live over the internet.”

As I said, I would be happy to vote for Trace Adkins for President of the United States.

Given that he most likely would not want the job despite his being well qualified (any father of five daughters knows how to babysit liberals in Congress from a temper tantrum standpoint), the best we can do…and should do…is buy his book and his music.

God bless this man and his family.

eric

One of the great things about being a columnist is that just when I get ready to talk about what I want to talk about, real life intervenes.

The Pelosiraptor, aka Nancy Pelosi, has done it again. She has opened her bronze medal mouth and shoved her entire number of toes she possesses past her paleolithic esophagus.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/04/01/pelosi.olympics/index.html

Going to Syria as Prime Minister of the United States, forgetting that we do not have one, was bad enough. Now she wants to do her part to anger the entire world in the exact same manner that she accuses President Bush. She wants him to unilaterally insult China, knowing that when the inevitable blowback occurs, she can just blame him.

Even liberals should be embarrassed by this woman.

She may not like being compared to Newt Gingrich, but she is making the same mistake he made. We have only one President. She is not it. Politics should stop at the waters edge.

More importantly, politics should be confined to politics itself, and politics alone.

My cousin, who I will simply refer to as “the little genius,” had a crisis of conscience in 2004. His two heroes were President George W. Bush and Bruce Springsteen. He was wondering if he should give away his albums of the Boss. I told him not to mix music and politics. He should not seek political advice from Springsteen or music advice from the Dub. He still likes them both.

I personally do not mix politics and football. Former Denver Broncos Quarterback John Elway is a staunch republican who actively campaigns for republicans. I want to like him. I can’t. To me he will always be a Bronco. A dear friend of mine is a Bronco fan and a liberal. He is not thrilled about Elway’s politics, but he will always love Elway. Elway is a Bronco.

Nancy Pelosi, who worships at the altar of diplomacy based on surrender, is recommending that President Bush violate diplomatic rules of etiquette, and surrender the best quality he has…his graciousness.

Nancy Pelosi believes that the Chinese have a horrible record on human rights. Evidence would support this. She also feels that as a protest measure, President Bush should, as a show of solidarity with Chinese dissidents, boycott the opening ceremonies in Beijing.

Thankfully by 2010 Nancy Pelosi will, lord willing, be a trivia answer to “where are they now?” has beens. My objections to her suggestion is not because she is a liberal. It is because the idea is imbecilic.

For the sake of full disclosure, I could care less about the Olympics. I hate feeling unpatriotic, but they are so colossally boring. I still remember laughing when David Letterman called up NBC executives like Bob Costas and bullied them into ordering the Olympics Triplecast because somebody had to purchase it. Also, because my column must take time to offend random people that have never bothered me, I will say that I do not see how anybody can watch something as senseless as curling. Snowboarding is an excuse to do drugs. The only way the Olympics could be more boring would be if they added golf. If they already have, then they are worse than I thought.

Don’t get me wrong. I still want America to win the most medals. I want us to be the best in everything. We won the Cold War and brought down the Berlin Wall due to a combination of Ronald Reagan and the 1980 Men’s Olympic Ice Hockey team. It enrages me to this day that we lost to the Iranians in soccer. We should have brought Ayatollah Khomeini back from the dead just to kill him again.

So yes, we had better win the most medals, especially if that gets me free fruit pies at McDonalds if I have the right pieces. Just don’t make me watch the games.

One other disclosure I want to make is that I truly believe that human rights absolutely should not be the goal of foreign policy. The goal of foreign policy is pure selfishness. It is to advance, in the case of America, U.S. interests. If we end up helping others by default, than that is fine. Everything we do is to help us. Every other nation is the same, only we get criticized for rational self interest.

Nevertheless, even if human rights was not a colossal flaw in thinking, the Olympics are not the time and place.

While the Pelosiraptor made it clear that she only wants a boycott of the opening ceremonies, and not the Olympics themselves, she is still wrong.

The Olympics are about global unity. They are about every nation having their place on the world stage. The Olympics are where poorer nations like Kenya can strut their stuff, and prove that wealth and power can be defeated with desire when the playing field is level. At the Olympics, the playing field is level.

Yes, some of the nations are hopped up worse than a hippie at Woodstock, and yes, some nations, including ours, shame the spirit of the games by using professionals instead of amateurs, but for the most part, every nation has a shot.

Many nations also gets their time in the spotlight as hosts. To snub the host is wrong. The 1980 and 1984 Olympics had some tarnish due to the Cold War, when Russia and the USA engaged in brinksmanship in the form of boycotts. I wanted to defeat the Russians in the Cold War. I also wanted to see them at the Olympics, their best against ours. Phyrric victories are just that. Lake Placid meant something because we beat the very best.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who normally walks on water and turns it into wine, may boycott the opening ceremonies. German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the greatest European leader today not named Sarkozy, may boycott the games themselves.

People have asked me if I ever think conservatives are wrong. It is rare, but yes, they are wrong.

We are not China. We seem to have selective outrage. Liberals are up in arms over China, yet seem to be painstakingly silent about Iraq, Iran and Syria.

You remember Syria? The Pelosiraptor put on a burkha to sip tea with the dumbest opthamologist on the planet, Bashar Assad.

Anyway, rather than beat the point into the ground, which is my usual modus operandi, I will simply restate the obvious.

Water is wet, the sun rises in the East, and Nancuy Pelosi is wrong, although in fairness, only when she speaks.

The Olympics may be boring, but many people consider them significant. They should not be tarnished just because one left wing crusader keeps thinking that the few thousand people that live in her cancerous district represent normal Earthlings, much less the entire mainstream of America.

There will be no Olympic Crackdown. There will be politeness. After all, we will be hosting again soon enough.

eric

There will never be another Dick Cheney.

For liberals, this is a cause for celebration. For conservatives, let the mourning begin. For those who care about nothing but 1960s pop culture, he does slightly resemble Oswald Cobblepot, also known as “the Penguin” in the original Batman series.

Nevertheless, liberals and conservatives can agree that Dick Cheney has been influential. Nobody will argue about his relevance to world history.

It is for this reason that the Vice Presidency is more relevant than ever before.

America has come a long way since Daniel Webster, a brilliant and respected man who badly wanted to be President, rejected overtures to be Vice President by stating, “I do not wish to be buried until I am dead.” It is no longer the job that the republican party offered to Teddy Roosevelt to get him out of the way and silence him.

While John McCain often jokes that the job of the Vice President is to check on the health of the President on a daily basis, the true job of the second in command is to take the political version of the Hippocratic Oath: Do no harm.

A Vice Presidential choice will normally not win an election, but it can lose elections. Rarely does a Vice Presidential choice bring any significant gains that swing elections. The exception might be JFK choosing LBJ in 1960. That ranks among the best selections. Bill Clinton choosing Al Gore in 1992 was a good selection. They complemented each other well, and at the time, Gore was seen as an ethical counterbalance to Clinton’s checkered past. He would provide integrity to the campaign. The worst choice in recent times might be Geraldine Ferraro in 1984.

Other choices are more complex. 1988 is a prime example of this. Most people would argue that Lloyd Bentsen was a much better choice than Dan Quayle. Bentsen easily won their debate. Yet George HW Bush decisively defeated Michael Dukakis, which prevents Quayle from being considered among the worst. Bentsen was not among the best because he did not help in Texas, the one state where he was supposed to contribute.

So what are the qualities that a Vice President must possess?

First and foremost, they have to be able to take over the top job at a moment’s notice. They have to be immediately ready. They have to have “gravitas.”

Next, they have to be loyal to the boss. Sharp disagreements can take place in private, and they should take place. However, in public, the Vice President should get neck strain from nodding their head up and down in agreement.

Additionally, they should be similar in views to the President. The idea of trying to trick the voters by “balancing” the ticket is insulting. The top dog makes the decisions, and providing a lieutenant to mollify voters wears thin since lieutenants stay just that. Similar views should also include a personal bond of shared values. AGain, JFK and LBJ were the exception. Normally, the top two people should like and trust each other, or failure can abound. John Kerry and John Edwards could not hide their disdan for each other.
Lastly, the Vice Presidential choice should be an asset from a strategic point of view. Strategic does not have to mean geographic. It just has to be a net electoral plus.

So with all of that said, who are the potential Vice Presidents? I will cover the best, worst, and most likely choices, and then regret this column when I am inevitably “mistaken,” to use a Hillary Clinton phrase. After all, you may not believe this, but I am human.

John McCain has several choices.

Among the best would be Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty. He is young, which counterbalances McCain’s age. He is a highly popular and respected governor from a state that leans to the left, but has elected hard right candidates and independent former professional wrestlers. He was magnificent during the Minnesota bridge crisis. Additionally, he is tall, and yes, handsome. He resembles John Cusack, and the elderly Jewish women I observed kept trying to introduce him to their daughters and granddaughters. He kept insisting that he was happily married and not Jewish, but the ladies did not care. They adored him. In Pawlenty’s favor is that he endorsed McCain early on, and stayed with him through the rough patches when the campaign almost died. Loyalty is assured.

Rudy Giuliani and McCain have deep respect and admiration for each other. They both see the other one as a hero and a great leader. They are both right. Rudy puts New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania in play, and he has gravitas. Also, the Vice President is an attack dog, and Rudy is a brutally effective campaigner. He would not be afraid of a bare knuckle brawl that allows McCain to stay above the fray. This would almost be a co-presidency. The social conservatives would howl at first, but Rudy has been very respectful of them. Rudy enjoys making millions in the private sector. Being Attorney General or head of Homeland Security might not be enough, but being Vice President would, especially since the republican hierarchy always picks the next man in line to be President.

Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele, Hawaii Governor Linda Lingle, and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin are all rising stars. They are not tokens. They are also not very well known, and none of them provide any geographic help. Former Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell is beloved by conservatives, but as important as Ohio is, the Ohio republican party is politically toxic due to a corruption scandal. This is not Blackwell’s fault, but again, life is not fair.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is fabulous on so many levels, but she has repeatedly stated that she has no interest in elective office. A President McCain would keep her in any position she wanted if she wants to stay.

Many are talking about Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who I have also met personally. He is likable, and has very high popularity, yet one wonders if he is coasting on Jeb Bush’s legacy the same way George HW Bush ran as a third Reagan term in 1988. Jeb Bush has a million positives that are weighed down by one negative, that being his last name. Americans do not want dynasties. This is a shame because many conservatives look at Jeb and say that among his family, he is the best of the bunch. His popularity in Florida was sky high, but his brother and father have filled the family quota.

Fred Thompson made many conservatives swoon before he ran for President. He underwhelmed many people, including some of his supporters. His conservative credentials are solid, but the main question is whether he wants the job. Also, Thompson served only one Senate term that was not incredibly distinguished. McCain needs someone with executive experience. Fred could be the Attorney General if Rudy Giuliani is not chosen.

Mitt Romney should not be considered because he and McCain simply do not like each other. Romney has executive experience from governing Massachusetts, and would be a great Treasury Secretary. While Ronald Reagan and George HW Bush did put aside their differences to form a winning team, John Kerry and John Edwards did not. Coming in second does not mean one gets the second spot on the ticket, nor should it.

Mike Huckabee is an absolute nonstarter. The economic conservatives would go insane based on Huckabee’s reputation as a tax raiser while Governor of Arkansas. Also, and with all due respect to the social conservatives, Americans will not elect somebody seen as a “bible thumper.” While this is religious bigotry, life is not fair.

Duncan Hunter is a very respected military man, and his selection would please the border conservatives worried about illegal immigration. However, Hunter is against free trade, which would be unacceptable to the Wall Street Journal Conservatives.  He could be Secretary of Defense.

My heart badly wants Rudy Giuliani, but I suspect the choice will be Tim Pawlenty, who I would be very pleased with.

As for the democrats, I will analyze what would win for them, regardless of my disdain for many of them. They should choose Joe Lieberman or Zell Miller. Just kidding.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will not pick each other.  The animosity is too deep. Obama could force his way onto Hillary’s ticket, but Obama would never accept Hillary as the Vice President. She would undermine him the whole time, and pretend to be upset as she quietly sabotaged him so that a republican could win, giving her one more shot in 2012. She is about her, and her alone. Just ask Kerry.

Either one must pick somebody that would play down South. One man who would beg, borrow and steal for the job is John Edwards. He has avoided endorsing anybody because he badly wants the job, and would accept it from either candidate. Edwards would be a tough candidate as the top of the ticket, but he simply does not want to play second fiddle. He forced himself onto the 2004 ticket, and spent more time promoting himself then John Kerry. He is not the guy.

Bill Richardson would be a solid choice, but he seems to have burned his last bridge with the Clintons. If they could put aside their rage, he would bring considerable heft, but these are the Clintons. They can’t. He provides Latino support, and has executive experience.  He immediately puts New Mexico and other Western states in play, not counting Arizona.

Joe Biden is an adult. He has foreign policy experience, and knows how to get judges confirmed. He does sometimes put his foot in his mouth, but he is not a raving lunatic. He would not frighten anybody. His downside is that he is a Senator, and one from a small state at that. Again, it did not work for Kerry and Edwards, although they did come close against a wartime President.

Some are touting General Wesley Clark, but there are better choices.

Even though an all Senator ticket is not desirable, former Senator Bob Kerrey is well liked and respected by both sides of the aisle. He did commit a gaffe against Barack Obama, but Obama is not thin skinned. He also went after Bill Clinton hard when he ran against him in 1992, and Bill Clinton is that thin skinned. Yet he is a war hero, and unlike John Kerry, does not have a long history of antiwar protesting and baseless accusations against soldiers. He has one wooden leg from combat injuries. He is a moderate to conservative person from Nebraska, although his ability to swing some Midwestern states might be blunted by the perceived liberalism of the top of the ticket.

Senator Jim Webb of Virginia is too new and too abrasive. However, his Bush hatred might be less of a problem among the left wing base than his being a former Reagan administration official.

The democrats have one choice that would be bold, exciting, and unprecedented. No, not New York Governor David Paterson. He has only been on the job about a week, and he has already confessed to illicit sex and drug activities. Then again, I would rather have a physically blind individual that took clear sighted stands on issues than a liberal with 20/20 vision that could not see any issues clearly.

The democrats have a war hero with solid antiwar credentials in their midst. He is a Southerner, and has served in the Senate. He has never been a Governor, but neither was John McCain. He gave the keynote speech for John Kerry, and unlike Kerry, he does not have a reputation for flip flopping on the war. Yes, there are criticisms that his war injury was inadvertently self inflicted, but no sane republican wants to go near that political land mine. He served America, and has a compelling story.

That man is former Georgia Senator Max Cleland. Being in a wheelchair did not stop him from being a Senator, and the politically correct crowd would swoon over the chance to have a “handicapable” leader.

Yes, the sympathy factor would be overwhelming, and yes it would make some conservatives ill for that reason alone. Nevertheless, Max Cleland absolutely has gravitas.

My heart does not pick anybody for the democrats, because none of them appeal to me. Yet Cleland would be a very bold choice. The only downside to Cleland is that he is a white male. Even the wheelchair cannot obscure this fact.

If Obama is forced to take a woman, then Senator Dianne Feinstein is a possibility. She is respected, and seen as a hard worker. If Obama wants to really shock the world, he can cross party lines and go with former republican Governor Christy Todd Whitman.  She is liberal on social issues such as abortion, and she likes trees.

If Hillary needs somebody black, and somehow decides to risk the wrath of Obamamania by passing him up, she can make another bold choice, also in Georgia. Congressman John Lewis is an American hero, and his civil rights credentials are unimpeachable. He marched with Dr. King, was beaten by the police, and refused to resort to violence. He is the American dream.  John McCain’s book “Courage” even spent several pages praising John Lewis.

I look forward to Vice President Pawlenty, but still hold out hope that President McCain and Vice President Rudy Giuliani take the reins in 2008. They are two people that would aggressively prosecute the War on Terror that President George W. Bush and Vice President Cheney are currently waging.

They will both be out of office in less than a year, with the consolation prize being a place in the ring of honor of great world of leaders that forever changed world history for the better.

eric