THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

I recently attended the GOP Convention is Michigan. It was by far the worst GOP Convention I have attended.

The crowd of 3000 was very impressive. Yet the crowd could not get in the building due to some organizational difficulties early on. Yes, from the start there were problems.

There were no after-parties. People just went home.

There were no top tier speakers from out of state. Several contested offices led to passionate factions advocating for their respective candidates.

There was no gala lunch or dinner the day of the convention. “Lunch” consisted of people standing in long lines for all eternity at concession stands. Never has a food service area been so appropriately named, since it seemed that the people had conceded on anything resembling a quality of life. Microwave pizza was one option, and there were no plastic forks. I brought my own lunch. Cutting a steak with a knife and spoon is just sheer delight.

Yet I was a vendor at this convention. As a vendor, it was a miserable experience.

If there is one thing I can’t stand, it is conservatives acting like socialists. I lost count of the number of people who asked me if the books I were selling were free.

Are you kidding me? A couple people actually were about to take the book before I explained they had to pay for it. They looked stunned.

One person had the nerve to ask me what my costs were. They pointed out I could sell it to them for what I paid for it. I explained to this person that I had other expenses, such as air fare and paying for the booth at the convention.

Too many people at this convention arrived in a bad mood from being left outside and then left frustrated when the convention went 2 1/2 hours past the scheduled end time.

A couple people told me that Michigan was hurting, which is why I was having a tough sales day. This is baseless garbage. People are hurting everywhere. The crowd was 5x larger than most conventions, and 10x larger than some of them. I covered my costs but made far less money.

I understand that Governor Jennifer Granholm is the worst governor in America, even worse than California. I have said we should give Michigan to Canada, since she managed to infiltrate it and take it over anyway.

(Somebody check her papers. I am tired of Canadians sneaking across the border.)

It seems that the people of Michigan are obsessed with Canadians. I kept telling people I was a conservative comedian. They kept insisting that I said I was a conservative Canadian. I have never had this problem anywhere else.

Michigan is broken. I cannot imagine myself ever doing business there again unless I am given a large upfront fee.

There were some nice people there, but too many of the people were just downright unpleasant.

(As expected, the ladies I met from the Michigan Federation of Republican Women were fantastic. They were a speck of sanity in an ocean of ridiculousness.)

Yes the left has destroyed Michigan. So what? The right seemed to have a look of despair, like the entire state was one giant failure. Given that the convention was in East Lansing and not Detroit, this puzzled me.

(Nobody from General Motors, Chrysler,  the Ford Family, or anybody else representing the Detroit Lions showed up. One can handle only so much defeatism in one area.)

One bright spot could have been Congressman Thaddeus McCotter, but I never saw him. I do not even know if he attended.

If there was something to like about this convention, I did not see it.

This is not sour grapes. I really did keep a pleasant demeanor throughout the day as people told me that they would buy my book after smoking a cigarette. The “Midwestern values” I have genuinely experienced in other states was replaced with people looking at me and lying in a manner that made Hollywood look sincere. Some people insisted that they had already bought my book the last time I was in Michigan, even though I had never done an event there before.

I did not make friends. I did not have memories I will cherish a lifetime.

More importantly, if other vendor friends ask me, I will tell them not to bother doing business in Michigan.

This is not personal. The state is broken. One day it may be fixed. Yet I cannot waste…not spend, but waste…my hard earned money on a convention filled with a large crowd wanting new merchandise for free.

Even the conservatives here are socialists. Perhaps hopelessness truly has set in.

Michigan is in a state of despair. Electing a Republican Governor is not enough. They must be willing to crush the unions that have destroyed the state economy.

I am just thankful that I was able to leave the state for better areas where I can actually do business.

eric

I did not attend Glenn Beck’s Restoring Honor Rally or Sean Hannity’s Freedom Concerts this year. The world is better off without me being cloned, so I missed these events while attending the Michigan GOP Convention.

Recently I attended the California GOP Convention in San Diego.

While most convention are an opportunity for me to make new friends, the California Republican Party Convention is an opportunity for me to see friends I have already made.

Normally I describe events that are so overwhelmingly positive that people think I am a sycophant. I am not sugarcoating anything. The experiences really are that good.

Then there was California.

This convention was at the Manchester Hyatt in San Diego.  I will be blount. I think the hotel sucks. I think it is the second most overrated hotel on Earth behind the Ritz Carlton in Manhattan.

The hotel is ginormous, absolutely gargantuan. This means that to get from one meeting room to another means walking the length of California itself. For some of the 80 year old ladies, this was not pleasant.

I did not stay at the hotel because the prices of the rooms were exorbitant. Thank heavens I have friends in San Diego. Yet the hotel charged $34 per day to valet ($24 non-valet, which means spending all day looking for your car). Somehow this is legal.  The hotel neglected to mention that if one ate at one of the many overpriced restaurants on hotel grounds, that they would validate parking for $3 for 3 hours. Naturally the hotel felt it best to have guests oblivious to this so the $34 could be collected.

The internet charge was another $13 per day. I think that if a hotel is billing itself as a place for big conventions, they should comp the d@mn wireless internet access.

I went to one coffee shop in the hopes of just getting a sandwich and a couple of sodas. Somehow that came out to $22, but at least the sandwich was terrible.

If I never go to the Manchester Hyatt in San Diego again it will be too soon.

As for the convention itself, there were some positives and negatives.

From a socializing standpoint, the after-parties in the suites were top notch. In California, they do know how to put the party in Republican Party.

Politically, the convention was mostly harmonious. Gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman and Senatorial candidate Carly Fiorina had their teams in place.

A pair of rising stars add some testosterone to balance out those two ladies. Former NFL wide Receiver Damon Dunn is the nominee for Secretary of State, while CBA basketball player Tony Strickland is running for Controller. They are both good conservatives, good people, and great candidates. The aptly named STar Parker is running for the 37th congressional district.

The one area of acrimony belonged to the Young Republicans. There are two different California Young Republican organizations, and they have been at war. While it appeared they had agreed at the convention to a peaceful merger, the deal was blown up way past the 11th hour. It got pretty ugly, and some party higher-ups had to intervene.

The biggest negative about the convention was the pathetically low turnout. California has millions of people. Even if only 40% of them are Republicans, the convention turnout of 600 activists was inexcusable. Even with others such as vendors and guests, the grand total was under 1000.

Conversely, Michigan had 3,000 attendees.

If other states can get galvanized, Republicans should not sugarcoat the fact that this convention was sparsely attended.

One positive explanation for this is that higher turnout often coincides with vicious primary fights. This was the post-primary convention, and there was relative peace and calm.

The CRP also seems to have a logical succession plan in place. The CRP Chairman is stepping down soon. While Vice Chairman Tom Del Beccaro does have rivals, Del Beccaro as of now is the odds on favorite to move up one notch to the top spot soon enough. This stability is good for the party, and Del Beccaro is highly regarded among many members of the party faithful.

(Full disclosure: I have done events with him.)

So the low turnout was partly due to the lack of drama that thrills media members but bothers the party faithful.

Broadcasting the entire weekend from the convention floor in the vendor area was Elise Richmond, a major radio personality based out of Palm Springs. Her guests included me, fellow conservative comedian Evan Sayet, various politicos, and California Federation of Republican Women President Maryann Hedstromm.

Evan gave a serious lecture on the media while Larry Greenfield offered more solid knowledge regarding Radical Islam.

There were no major politicos from outside the state. Other conventions have appearances by everyone from Michele Bachmann to Michael Steele to Scott Brown to Haley Barbour. In this case Meg Whitman headlined the main dinner. The second dinner had Congressman Darrell Issa and Lieutenant Gubernatorial Candidate Abel Maldonado.

So while some may have found the convention boring, tranquility among the party faithful is something I am fine with.

The party seems united going into November, which can only make us stronger as California Republicans.

eric

I am on a plane today from Los Angeles to Chicago, then driving to Michigan for their GOP Convention on Saturday. Sunday I am in Wisconsin, followed by Monday in Chicago and flying home to Los Angeles.

For obvious reasons, I am outsourcing my column today. The woman who wrote the following piece may not be the original source, but as an old professor of mine once said, “There is no original thought.”

For those truly wishing to boycott Israel, some very useful information to assist in that endeavor is below.

“How to Boycott Israel

If you really want to stop Israel, please follow these simple instructions:

In your office or home, do not use any computers, as Israel developed The Intel Pentium chip, Windows MP, XP and Vista as well as Microsoft
Office and AOL IM instant messaging. Also remove your firewalls, as these were developed in Israel.

In your home and car, do not use cell phones that were developed in Israel by Motorola, as was voice mail and camera phones.

Quickly destroy your TV remote control, as this also was developed in Israel.

Now for your health: Do not under any circumstances let your Gastroenterologist use the camera pill you swallow that photographs your esophagus, colon, etc. Just let him ram his scope up your backside. That will show those Zionists who’s in charge.

Don’t use Copaxane for MS.

If you have a heart attack, do not let the surgeon put in a stint, which was developed in Israel, or use a defibrillator on you.

Also Decline the new Israeli medication for Parkinson’s or Ex Ablate 2000 if you have fibroid tumors.

We’ll show ’em!

Monica McMillen, TX”

For those wishing to boycott Syria, I offer my own thoughts.

Wake up every day, live your life as normal, and then go to sleep.

eric

Before getting to the main event, former RNC Chair Ken Mehlman announced that he was gay. I think I speak for most Americans when I say…shrug. Haley Barbour is Southern and Michael Steele is black. The news just never stops at the RNC.

My concerns about Mehlman were alleviated when I read that he was still Jewish and still Republican. Apparently his homosexuality has no bearing on his views to cut taxes and kill terrorists. Leftists complaining (redundant, I know) that he should have “acted sooner” should shut up and understand that he is a human being first and a politico second. His journey was most likely painful, and I wish him only happiness. I have met the man several times, and he is one of the good guys.

Now on to the main event.

Awhile back I wrote about the battle of “Republican vs Conservative.” I stated back then what I still feel today. I don’t care one bit about ideological purity. I care about winning elections and governing. I have voted for moderate and conservative Republicans, with zero regrets. Those who celebrated the “victory” in the primary in the NY 23rd special election forgot that winning the primary did not mean winning the general election.

Now the Republican Party is contending with the Tea Party movement.

Not every offshoot movement consists of crackpots. The Ron Paul supporters ranting and raving about (not sure exactly, nobody listens to them) are crackpots. They are also a small movement insisting they matter. The proof is in the votes. Ron Paul was an asterisk in the 2008 election, and his movement remains statistically insignificant.

(Before the Rupaul supporters inundate me with angry and incoherent emails, please remember that shouting does not equate into large numbers. Until you prove otherwise electorally, you don’t matter. If you mattered any less you would be Howard Dean, Ned Lamont, and Moveon.org supporters. 0% success is a good indicator.)

The Tea Party movement is mainly disaffected conservatives unhappy with the Republican Party. The movement is not about social issues. It’s main issue is the desire to reduce government spending before America goes bankrupt.

I have been to Tea Parties. I have spoken at them. I even headlined one on April 15th, spoke at another on July 4th, and will play a major role in one on 9/11. The people attending are good people, and their voices do matter. They are large in numbers, and they have clearly shown electoral prowess.

I give the Tea Party movement credit for going from a group of people holding rallies to actually fielding candidates. Several of these candidates have shocked the nation and the Republican “establishment” by winning primaries.

(Sadly enough, the best of the bunch was Chuck DeVore in California. He has a bright future ahead of him.)

One thing we have seen about the Tea Party movement is that Sarah Palin is every bit as powerful as Barack Obama is radioactive. No Democrats want Mr. Obama’s endorsement. The proverbial flyover from Air Force One is sufficient. As for Sarah Palin, every Republican wants her endorsement.

Nikki Haley was one of many Tea Party Candidates who have won their primary races. Palin rocketed Haley over the top. Palin’s intervention in the Alaska senate race (admittedly that contained an element of payback) turned the race upside down. Her endorsement of Carly Fiorina (baffling ideologically given DeVore, but she has been endorsing women) blew open a close race.

The left is obsessed with Palin because she is a threat. I have seen the results. When she endorses somebody, they rise dramatically in the polls.

Yet when I speak to groups, I am uncomfortable when I am asked about the Tea Party movement. I always give them my initial reaction, followed by an explanation.

My initial response about the Tea Party movement is simple. Ask me the day after the general election.

I have always been comfortable supporting establishments candidates. I am less enraged than others on the issues. The GOP lost its way on spending, but I felt they would go back to their roots if they won.

I do not always want to play it safe. In terms of policy, I support offering another Contract With America rather than using the 2006 Democrat playbook and standing for nothing. My option is the riskier one.

Yet with candidates, I am more cautious.

In Nevada, establishment candidate Sue Lowden and well known candidate Danny Tarkanian were routed by Sharron Angle, a Tea Party darling (I have done events with her, she is incredibly nice).

In Florida, long-time establishment candidate (and very good guy) Bill McCollum lost a stunner to Tea Party favorite Rick Scott.

In Utah, Bob Bennett lost his seat in a primary.

Some will say that the GOP is getting back to its roots and throwing the bums out. Others are worried that the GOP are being cannibalized by extremists.

So which narrative is correct?

Again, ask me after the election.

I think Bill McCollum would have coasted in the general election. I think Rick Scott (and Sharron Angle) will be easier to demonize. It does not matter if the portrayals of them are truthful. Negative campaigning works.

If the Tea Party candidates win, then the Republican party will be revitalized. It will be more conservative, especially fiscally.

If the Tea Party candidates lose, there will be some serious GOP bloodletting.

There is bloodletting for the losing side after every election, but 2010 is even more serious.

The Republicans have been gift wrapped election success. There is absolute disgust with the Democrats. 2010 should be like 1994.

(I do not see the Republicans getting the senate. The numbers are not there. They would have to run the table and win 15 of 16 races. I see them winning 12 of 16 and still trailing 52-48. Also, Nobody knows what Charlie Crist would do if he won. However, the house is ripe for being retaken. The anger at the Pelosiraptor should carry the day.)

However, there is a chance that Harry Reid could survive. The same with Barbara Boxer (Carly Fiorina is not a Tea Party candidate, but she is an “outsider.” Ironically, Tea Party favorite DeVore was an assemblyman.) in California.

If Republicans lose races that they “should” have won, the Tea Party will be blamed.

If the Democrats retain both houses of congress, then the Tea Party movement will be as hated in the GOP as social conservatives were in 1992 when Pat Buchanan destroyed President George H.W. Bush.

Conservatives across the country could have played it safe. Instead we rolled the dice, pushed our chips to the center of the table, and went “all in.”

The Democrats are trying to lose this election. Yet Republicans may not want to win it.

Anybody on the right who feels that losing in November would be ok because they “made their point and had their voices heard” need to be smacked upside their spiteful heads.

The way to get a more conservative country is for conservative candidates to win.

Tea Party candidates won in primaries that cater to more conservative candidates. General elections require getting moderate voters.

I am supporting the Republican candidates. The day after primaries end, all right of center voters should be loyal soldiers and fall into line. Defeated right of center candidates should loudly endorse nominees who bested them, no matter how bitter the primary.

The goal is to take down the Democrats and rescue this country from the disasters of the Pelosiraptor and Barack Obama.

Republicans succeeding or failing in November in this endeavor is the only measuring stick I use.

Talk is cheap.

Win elections, and claim the mantle for governing.

The Tea Party people claim they are not gadflys in the Rupaul or Howard Dean tradition.

I believe the movement is legitimate.

Time to prove it. The options are electoral success, or the entire movement being dumped in the river.

10 weeks to go.

eric

Yes, I am crushed that Rick Scott defeated Bill McCollum for Florida Governor. I will stand behind Mr. Scott. As for the Florida Senate race, the Meek may inherit the Earth, but they are not getting the Senate Seat.

Republicans are well positioned to rip the Democrats to shreds in 2010. They are also in a position to screw it up royally.

There are two issues that deeply concern me. One of them we can fix. One of them, we just have to wait.

The first issue concerns the Republican platform of issues we will run on in 2010.

We don’t have one.

In 1994, Newt Gingrich gave us the Contract With America. It was the right thing to do. After taking over Congress, the Republicans had a clear agenda to try and pass. They house brought all 10 items to a vote, passing 9 of them. Eventually the GOP ran out of gas, but in the early years Gingrich clearly moved the debate to the right.

In 2006, the Democrats stood for nothing. They were simply against the Republicans. I asked a friend during that election cycle when the Democrats would offer anything remotely resembling a policy. He insisted as the election got closer that they would. This never happened. The result was that when they captured congress, they were totally unable to pass their agenda. The agenda never existed.

Those making excuses for the Democrats pointed out in 2006 that a Republican still occupied the White House. This is hollow. The Gingrich Republicans had a Democrat to contend with as president, and they steamrolled him for several significant victories. Liberals give Bill Clinton credit for balanced budgets, but it was Newt Gingrich that dragged Clinton kicking and screaming to a balanced budget. Would a balanced budget happen without Clinton? Of course. That is how to tell.

Republicans in 2010 are tempted to just be anti-Obama. After all, it worked for the Democrats in 2006.

This is wrong. Those who fear offering a positive agenda because it will give Democrats something to attack are cowards.

The country music song says “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.”

The left stands for hating the right. The right must offer the people a compelling vision. The public is begging for something to believe in.

The left will accuse the right of offering the “same tired old solutions,” but those solutions still work.

Here is how the Contract With America Version 2010 should look.

1) Make the Bush tax cuts permanent, and offer new tax breaks to businesses and families.

2) Eliminate the death tax

3) Eliminate the capital gains tax entirely for anyone with less than $100,000 in stock. Cut it in half for everyone else.

(I would rather eliminate for everyone, but that is easy to demagogue as a giveaway to the wealthy. My solution is much more politically palatable. It is about getting things done.)

4) Ban the use of union dues for political purposes without the written consent of the dues payer.

5) Defund Obamacare.

(Easier than outright repeal. All money saved must either be used for deficit reduction or a market based healthcare program.)

6) Cutting Congressional pay in half if the budget is not balanced by 2016.

(Also applies to congressional pensions of those who retire in 2010 and afterward.)

7) Eliminating lifetime congressional pensions for anybody serving less than 20 years. At 20 years they would get 75% pay. At 30 years they would get full pay. This is in line with other industries. Anybody serving less than 6 years gets nothing. From 6 to 20 years the pension can match the years served.

8.) Increasing vouchers for parochial schools and increasing funds for charter schools. Making it easier for school departments to fire bad teachers.

9) Increasing the Defense budget and allowing them to have the best technology possible. Legalizing the coercive interrogation methods and techniques that keep America safe. Keeping Gitmo open.

10) Legal and judicial reform. Banning the use of foreign law to affect American judicial rulings. Placing caps on liability lawsuits.

It does not matter if anything I propose gets blocked by Barack Obama or filibustered. As long as we run on these issues, we can then have a platform to govern.

Liberalism has failed for decades because they run out of gas as soon as they win the election. Conservatism is not like liberalism. Conservatism is still relevant.

Opposing Mr. Obama can get us some electoral wins. It will not help us govern.

If we run on another contract, the day after the 2010 election we can begin trying to implement it.

Like Mr. Clinton, Mr. Obama will quickly surrender and sign much of the legislation (and then try to take credit for it). This is ok. Bill Clinton won reelection, but the right still beat the tar out of the left.

Barack Obama does not care about the left or the right. He cares about himself. As long as he keeps his job, the rest is just details to him. He is a blank slate.

We need to fill in those blanks with smart, conservative policies.

Republicans are ready to win. We need to roll out our contract so we can again be ready to govern.

As for the other issue threatening the GOP, that can wait for another day.

eric

I normally stay out of primary fights, especially in other states. Sometimes a person comes along that causes me to make an exception.

I am endorsing Bill McCollum to be the next Florida Governor.

http://billmccollum.com/

I know nothing about his opponent Rick Scott. I have never met the man, and I am sure I would support him in the general election if he won the primary. However, he has one thing going against him.

He is not Bill McCollum.

I have met Attorney General McCollum and his wife. She is one of the lovely people in this world.

I had the honor and privilege of sitting at the same table as the McCollums at a function about a year ago. They are smart, thoughtful, and engaging. They are good, quality human beings.

The function was a Jewish function, and bigger supporters of Israel and the Jewish people will not be found.

Mr. McCollum also has the proper views on everything from tax cuts to the Second Amendment.

As Attorney General, he has found the balance between toughness and fairness.

Mr. McCollum was a congressman in 1998 when he was thrust into the spotlight as one of the 13 impeachment managers. He presented his portion of the case with a legal and moral clarity that any litigator would have been proud to deliver.

There are many politicians out there, and public service is a noble calling.

Mr. McCollum is a principled man with unquestionable integrity. He is what is needed in a leader.

I believe that when important bills get to his office, he will get it right. I believe in the man.

Former Governor Jeb Bush has endorsed Mr. McCollum. That is good enough for me.

The Florida polls are open until 8pm EST.

Bill McCollum is a good man. Vote for him.

eric

After over a year since both sides agreed to sit down and accomplish nothing, Israelis and Palestinians have finally hammered out a broad agreement in principle to hold talks and waste everyone’s time.

Hillary Clinton proudly announced that Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas would all sit down and talk about unresolved issues that will remain unresolved.

Barack Obama will play a major role in accomplishing nothing and then claiming that the problems existed during the administration of his predecessor.

The Palesimians will take any Israeli concession from past negotiations and declare that a new starting point.

Israelis will speak about cautious optimism knowing that most people think Israelis are full of garbage when they speak about cautious optimism.

The Palesimians will speak about a refugee problem even though there is not one based on the definition of refugees that is applied to every other people in the world.

The Palesimians will speak about a humanitarian crisis in Gaza that does not exist in any way, shape, or form.

The Palesimians will offer a deal where Israel abolishes its own right to exist and relocates every Jew to wherever Helen Thomas wants them to go. Israeli diplomats will reply that negotiations are complex but that the talks have been productive.

Abbas will claim that he has done everything he can do to stop Hamas and Hezbollah, which means he did nothing. Words with zero actions backing them up will unite President Obama and Prime Minister Abbas in a warm embrace rivaled only by the hot smoochie shared by Hillary Clinton and Suha Arafat.

The Jayson Blair Times will wax poetic about how important it is that both sides keep an open mind while rockets rain down on Israel and Palesimian homicide bombers terrorize innocent Israelis trying to engage in bizarre activities such as walking and breathing.

Hillary Clinton will offer meaningless blather because that is what the secretary of state does in general and Hillary does in particular.

160 year old Shimon Peres will offer heartfelt sentiments in fractured Heblish. Palesimians will condemn his remarks publicly while privately admitting that they had no idea what he said. His incomprehensible comments will cause teenagers to giggle because they are amused when he discusses the “p*ss process.”

The United Nations will celebrate the historic nature of the talks, despite the fact that they are not historic in the least. The UN will celebrate tradition, which means useless talks with nothing even accidentally resembling an accomplishment or a result.

Naysayers will be criticized for sabotaging the peace process, as if there ever was a peace process, and as if the mythical process could be undermined by naysayers to begin with.

College students will fail to learn the lyrics to the great song, “Hey hey! Ho ho! We support the status quo!” They will then be forced to admit that they do not know what status quo means.

George Mitchell will explain that he brought peace between the Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland while neglecting to mention that the Irish Republican Army helped matters by developing hobbies other than blowing stuff up. The Palesimians will remain obtuse.

We will be told of slow, steady progress even though there will not be any progress. Slow will be a synonym for stop, and steady will be a synonym for comatose, which is what happens when Israelis are nearly blown to bits for reasons that only genocidal lunatics such as Palesimian fuzzballs could justify.

Platitudes such as “hope,” “change,” and “Yes we can,” will be replaced with “Are you f*cking kidding me?”

So congratulations to those who still fail to grasp that wars end when one side finally concludes that they cannot ever win. Then and only then can there be peace. Instead, phony peace talks will lead to perpetual war. Israeli “settlements” will be blamed for Palesimian lunacy, and the “cycle of violence” narrative will be on the front papers of the Jayson Blair Times.

Just because the Palesimians have violated every single agreement they have ever reached does not mean they will do so again.

Oh, wait…actually it does. 100% failure is a good indicator.

The only good news is that when the Israelis surrender in the negotiations due to American bullying, the Palesimians will reject the deal, wage more war, and then beg for peace when Israel fires back with ferocity, the only concept the Palesimians understand.

Until that time, lovers of wasted time should celebrate the end of the hiatus and the return of pointless and futile conversations.

eric