Archive for February, 2011

The Real Wisconsin Question: WWFD?

Saturday, February 19th, 2011

The Tygrrrr Express is a political animal during the week but strongly prefers to let politicos take a holiday on the weekends. As some incredibly effeminate song no guy should ever sing says, “weekends are made for fun.”

So as the angry unwashed masses threaten to turn Wisconsin into either Egypt or Greece, all of Wisconsin has turned to one man to try and solve the problem.

The question was going to be asked sooner or later, so I will ask WWFD…

What Will Favre Do?

For those refusing to let football run their lives, let me educate you. While some stuff was happening in the Middle East, the Green Bay Packers were winning the Super Bowl. The winning quarterback was Aaron Rodgers. As happy as many fans are for him, it is bittersweet to know that Brett Favre came so close so many times to another Super Bowl win and did not get over the hump.

Yet now that he has finally for the last time forever no turning back we really mean it this time not coming back, Favrewatch 2011 should take on a new tone. Now we need to speculate on what he will do next.

Even money odds says that he puts his right sock on before his left one, and he most likely does not sleep in Packers pajamas.

He will either take a job as a coach, an analyst, or a cub scout leader. As for the 2012 Wisconsin Senate race, he may or may not be running and will let us know when he ready.

Yet Wisconsin needs him now. Fresh off Super Bowl parades, the state has been ripped asunder.

The only thing that can distract from the mob violence would be for Favre to make an announcement.

It does not even matter what he speaks about, as long as he announces something, even if it is to announce that he has nothing to announce.

Greta Van Susteren would happily cut away from every other story if there was news on the Favre front. Tell us Brett hates doing laundry. Heck, tell us what sports stations Deanna Favre listens to during the day. Just tell us something.

This is why there is chaos in the streets of Wisconsin. Nature abhors a vacuum, and people are just filling the void.

I cannot predict what will happen in Wisconsin politics, but I can and will predict that Brett Favre is most likely not coming back next year as an NFL quarterback.

Congratulations Aaron Rodgers. You really picked a lousy time to be a champion. The people should be overturning cars and setting things on fire in celebration of you and your teammates, not out of anger at some political stuff.

Anyway, long after Wisconsin is either saved or destroyed, Summer will roll around again. Favre will be rested.

So we can argue world events or get down to the business of the NFL offseason.

I would settle for Frank Caliendo imitating John Madden talking about Brett Favre.

We keep hearing Favre is done, but wait until next September. Until then, the answer to every question in life is summed up in four words.

What Will Favre Do?


Wisconsin–Left-wing bullies finally on the run

Friday, February 18th, 2011

I would like to thank Tucker Carlson and his team at the Daily Caller for welcoming me to their team. My column on the left-wing bullies trying to hijack Wisconsin can be found there.

Happy birthday to my retired schoolteacher mom, who hates teachers’ unions. I love you mom.


Barack Obama’s Undisclosed Location

Thursday, February 17th, 2011

For those wondering about the undisclosed location where Barack Obama is currently hiding, I am about to blow his cover. I hope this does not prompt a Secret Service visit.

Barack Obama is on the set of Jeopardy.

He is the computer that is beating the daylights out of the human contestants.

I cannot believe he has been hiding in plain sight all this time, but the evidence is overwhelming.

The Jeopardy supercomputer is a cold clinical machine with no evident human emotions or empathy.

Barack Obama is a cold clinical machine with no evident human emotions or empathy.

The computer speaks in a programmed voice that requires inputs being fed into it in the form of data source codes.

Barack Obama speaks in a programmed voice that requires inputs being fed into it in the form of multiple teleprompters.

The computer programmers brag that it knows virtually everything.

Barack Obama pr whoever programs him brags that he knows virtually everything.

The computer can memorize facts but cannot function in the real world without programmers telling it what to do.

Barack Obama has memorized many facts but cannot function in the real world without programmers David Axelrod and others telling him what to do.

The computer operates based on information gleamed from reams of paper containing historical data.

Barack Obama operates based on information gleamed from reams of paper containing polling data.

Ok, enough fun. With all due respect to the new host of Jeopardy, having Jeopardy without Alex Trebek (or even Will Ferrell) is like having the White House without George W. Bush. The 2011 board game version is just a shallow imitation.

So at the risk of angering those sworn to keep Mr. Obama hidden, it is time to get him back to Washington to do some actual real work.

He has never figured out balance. When the issue is inconsequential nonsense that is none of his business, he speaks early, often, and repeatedly. Yet on topics that actually matter, he is stone cold silent. Well he is always stone cold, but the silence is disconcerting.

When a police officer who happens to be Caucasian properly detains an arrogant gasbag college professor (redundant, I know) who happens to be black, Mr. Obama has a predetermined and wrong opinion.

He waxes poetic about high speed rail and greeniac utopia scenarios, praying for the day when Mr. Spacely promotes George Jetson to Vice President of the Green Division at Spacely Sprockets (currently being badly run by Jeffrey Immelt at General Electric).

Unfortunately the leader of America has Jetsons dreams while operating with Flintstones skills. All the rubbing of his feet on the ground will not power the Chevy Volt monstrosity that he foisted on America to become more relevant or less ghastly.

Yet his loud support of total fluff, while making him useless, is not harmful. His refusal to speak up as the world burns is a total lack of leadership.

Iran is deliberately trying to provoke a war with Israel. Mr. Obama has nothing to say.

Teachers are striking in Wisconsin. Ronald Reagan quickly fired air traffic controllers. Barack Obama would rather talk about the Packers than the parasites. Again, he has no comments.

Barack Obama spoke for an hour as fifteen people received the Medal of Freedom. Yet worldwide chaos from Egypt to Jordan to Tunisia to Bahrain to Yemen to Iran is met with silence.

Mr. Obama’s defenders will insist that he really does care. He is just so much smarter than everybody else that he is quietly huddled with his advisers monitoring things very closely.

That is called watching. I do it when I turn on the television. The President does not get paid $400,000 a year to watch the news and read the paper. He gets paid to actually do things.

Like the Jeopardy supercomputer, Barack Obama is comfortable in his element and completely lost out of it. If water were doused on the machine, it would develop a short circuit and be rendered worthless. The same is probably true if water was poured on the Jeopardy computer.

President Obama can do his best imitation of the love child of Carmen San Diego and Waldo, but at some point he needs to get over the presidential equivalent of a mid-life crisis and find himself.

Does anybody think Ronald Reagan would hide in a situation like this? Would George W. Bush pull the disappearing act? Would Rudy Giuliani waste time while carnage all around gets ignored?

Maybe Barack Obama is happy with what is happening in the world. After all, from Wisconsin to Yemen, it seems like the world has been taken hostage by community organizers.

Perhaps we should just let Chris Christie handle things. If he is busy, I will volunteer. In Yemen, we should support the people and hope the leadership gets overthrown. In Wisconsin thee should be a government crackdown until order is restored.

Even those disagreeing with these stands will notice that at least I have taken them.

What is Mr. Obama focusing on now? Perhaps he wants to give high speed rail to Egyptians rather than the presidential leadership from the head of America that they are begging for.

For once, Mr. Obama needs to figure out when to stay silent and when to speak.

There will be plenty of time in 2012 for him to be quiet when he is spouting more nonsensical platitudes that may be the same ones from 2008. Perhaps that is his environmental commitment to recycling.

Yet now is a time for him to speak up.

The world is burning. People need to know where President Obama stands.

He is not expected to solve every problem, despite his 2008 promises to part the heavens.

He is expected to at least show that he cares an ounce, and that he understands the depths of the problems people face.

In 2008 it was “We are the ones we have been waiting for.”

In 2011, we are waiting for him to have the courage for once to show up when it matters.

He may not be a computer, but he is far from super.

The only Jeopardy is the state of the world as he dithers.


Barack Obama just won reelection

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

Without a single primary or caucus being held, Barack Obama quietly won reelection yesterday.

This is awful but true. In the same way 2010 was 1994, 2012 will be like 1996. Barack Obama is now a two term leader.

With no fanfare, he adopted the winning 1996 Clinton strategy that will be the theme of his entire second term. His new quiet motto is “Do nothing.” “Hope” and “change” will now give way to contentment and status quo. “Yes, we can” will be explained as “Yes, we did,” evidence be d@mned.

The decision to do nothing is a brilliant strategy. Leaders get rewarded in the history books when bold gambles work out well. Barack Obama is interested in the 2012 election. He is as timid and risk averse as it gets. He is bold on the only three things he cares about, that being health care, education, and the environment/energy. Everything else with him is platitudes that say nothing and offend nobody.

In the 2011 State of the Useless, he piously declared that “we do big things.” We American citizens do big things. Mr. Obama beyond his three priorities is the epitome of minimalism and small ball. He makes Bill Clinton look imaginative.

The key essence to his do nothing strategy is the rollout of his budget. He does not make a single difficult decision. This puts the Republicans in a box. If they try to see his nothing and raise with nothing, they will lose. Unlike liberals willing to accept that Obama is blocked from further advancement, conservative voters want their leaders to actually do something. Once Republicans try to do things, they will successfully be pilloried.

Remember 1995? Attempts to slow the rate of growth of Medicare were labeled as “cuts” that were “extremist,” “draconian,” and “mean-spirited.” Republicans wanted to starve children, throw old people on the street, and kill Big Bird. The fact that Big Bird is a fictional television character and not a real animal is irrelevant. Gingrich tried to kill him and eat him until Clinton pardoned Snuffalupaguses’s friend.

Liberals blather about Clinton and “the largest peace time expansion in history,” but ask them to name one thing Clinton actually did his last six years in office. He did nothing. He got lucky. The internet revolution came along and everybody made easy money.

Jimmy Carter was overwhelmed by domestic policy but what did him in was bad luck. The hostage situation in Iran was not a situation where doing nothing would work.

Barack Obama has an even money shot that the economy will rebound. He will have the media on his side. They are criticizing him now because no GOP candidate to demonize exists. Once the Republicans have a face of their party, the press will go back to kissing Obama’s feet and admiring the taste.

President Obama will have one billion dollars. Try keeping up with that on the GOP side. Good luck.

Barack Obama will have the social media team on his side, as the first Facebook President still holds a wide advantage technologically.

Yet the key to everything for him is to do nothing. The GOP will make the hard choices, and they will suffer for it brutally. George W. Bush was never the same after he showed political courage by taking on Social Security reform.

The Democrats will be offering cotton candy and the Republicans will be offering Castor Oil. The fact that Paul Ryan is a sober adult who everybody should listen to is meaningless. Gingrich learned the hard way what happens when even a powerful congressman takes on a sitting president.

Mr. Obama is prepared to do nothing because he is good at it. Egypt? He is still watching. Iran? The mullahs crack down while he stays silent. Budget cuts? No, he would rather issue a freeze at the already exorbitant levels he enacted. A freeze is the epitome of doing nothing.

His claim that the budget needs a “scalpel” and not a “machete” is nonsense. It is time to break out the machetes. Forget 2008 levels. We should cut back to 2006 levels, before the Pelosiraptor took over and put the entire nation on her Bloomingdales credit card (with help from spineless Republicans who were rewarded by being castigated and fired).

Those who think that the electorate is different now are delusional. Everybody wants spending cuts to affect everybody else. The entire Democratic Party has been taken over by beggars sucking the life out of the productive people creating jobs. All Mr. Obama needs is part of the middle of the electorate. An improved economy will do it. Republicans will get zero credit for fixing the economy the same way they got zero credit for dragging Mr. Clinton kicking and screaming in the 1990s to fiscal discipline.

As for why Mr. Obama would want a job where he does nothing, he is less interested in being President than being a combination of Prime Minister and Ambassador. He shines when giving people the Medal of Freedom. He is a master at ribbon cutting ceremonies. Not since the Queen of England has somebody built an entire cottage industry out of waving hello.

Unless Republicans for once in their pathetic lives learn the art of public relations, being and doing right will again fall victim to incorrect perceptions.

Like Mr. Clinton, the history books will probably one day render Mr. Obama irrelevant. This does nothing to help the GOP in 2012. They will have a nightmarish time trying to criticize a president for things he does when the electorate decides that he does nothing and does it well.

Barack Obama is an empty suit, but he wears it flawlessly. His shirt and necktie are crisp, and his smile is as perfect as ever. He only needs to fool 50.1% of Americans in twelve large blue states one more time.

Get ready for six years of nothing. At least we will defeat Biden in 2016. He can’t even do nothing right. Sadly for conservatives, Mr. Obama can.


CPAC Aftermath and Analysis

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

Before getting to politics, a word about love.

Enough Valentine’s Day. Ending up sick in bed is what happens when a guy gets exposed to a bunch of Paulbots running around spreading toxicity.

Back to politics.

I commend every blogger who came to CPAC and provided non-stop coverage. To do that and anything else was impossible. I went as a performer and a vendor, not a blogger. On the first night I performed as part of a team of conservative entertainers under the umbrella of Lisa Mei Norton of Big Dawg Music Mafia.

After that I was at my booth selling copies of my books. Given how many people bigger than me had books to sell, I was pleased with my sales. I also had to work harder to get them.

Selling books was important, but for me this event was about networking. Networking for me comes on so many levels.

There were radio hosts I spoke to about being on their programs. I did a couple radio interviews that weekend, including a fiery one debating Israel.

I ran into many people of various organizations and should have tons of speaking engagements result from this. Many of them are smaller groups, but the big dogs (not to be confused with Big Dawg Music Mafia) know who they are.

From a news writing standpoint, I got to meet Jacquie Kubin, who runs the Washington Times Communities Online, which I write for.

She is going to build that into something big, and I will enjoy being along for the ride. She introduced me to the Washington Times print people, and I also met other writers and bloggers with well respected publications. I met Stephen Moore of the Wall Street Journal. When a young girl asked what he thought of Limbaugh and Beck, I had to interject. I pointed out that they should be asked about Stephen Moore, one of the 5 or 6 people who really does know everything. I got to speak with Ann Coulter, and hope she enjoys my writing and speaking. I will be speaking at events in the future that she is also speaking at. Andrew Breitbart of Big Hollywood, Mike Flynn of Big Government, and Tucker Carlson of Daily Caller were also people I spoke with about writing.

Yet the big media is television. I need to get back on Fox News again. I met Greg Gutfeld, Bill Schultz, and Andy Levy of “Redeye.” I am a pretty blunt person, so I simply told Gutfeld that “I am here to kiss the brass ring.” He has tons of people who want to be on his show, which is normal. If it happens for me, great, if not, oh well. I genuinely liked all 3 of them.

I got to meet Andrea Tantaros, a frequent guest of the show who I recently interviewed. She is equally lovely in person, as genuine as it gets.

I also got to meet Mary Katharine Ham, who is one of the most real, unpretentious, nice people out there.

The event was wall to wall non-stop action from morning until night. Socializing in the bar meant more networking, and after I had decided enough was enough others persisted as the Young Republicans held a party called “Reagan-Palooza.”

Making new friends is fun, but seeing ones from the past is always great. Two of my favorite bloggers that I met at the 2008 GOP Convention in Minneapolis were there. Steve from “No Runny Eggs” and Doug Welch from the “Stix” blog made it seem like old times.

Doug and I and a couple other bloggers actually slept in a Minneapolis sportsbar for a week. Yes, we slept in a sportsbar. This time we laughed about having actual beds in actual rooms, he in a hotel and me in a private home. Neither of us had access to pizza and drinks at 4am, but it was quieter.

Running into Michael Steele again was nice. He is working on his next move, and as always he was friendly and gracious to me. I’ll say it again. I love the guy. Michele Bachmann was as nice as always and Sharron Angle remains one of the lovely human beings on this planet. Speaker Gingrich remains brilliant and easy to converse with. Herman Cain is inspiring, and my brief 60 seconds with Tim Pawlenty was pleasant. Former New York Lt. Governor Betsy McCaughey is taking on Obamacare.

Two other experiences will always stay with me.

Meeting Randall Terry of Operation Rescue was a troubling experience to say the least. I told him I kept my views on abortion to myself. He then went into his rant about how I was supporting the murder of babies by staying quiet. He even compared it to the Holocaust, which led to me letting him know what I thought of that horrific comparison. I told him flat out that his way of speaking is inflammatory and destructive, and hurts his own cause. Thankfully he did not represent anything more than a fractional minority of the crowd.

Meeting Grover Norquist of Americans of Tax Reform was important for me. I will say more about that in the coming days without revealing anything confidential Mr. Norquist may have told me. I totally agree with his stance on taxes, but have heard horror stories about him and his wife regarding Israel and Jews. At this point I will only say that he was very genial with me, and I do not have any evidence that the rumors I heard were true. There was anti-Grover literature handed out, but he looked me in the eye and disavowed it. I hope he is right. Time will tell, but he was pleasant with me, as was his wife. It was a serious conversation lasting more than a few minutes. He was polite and respectful, and came across as genuine.

I finally got to propose marriage to Kate Obenshain, although apparently my approach needs work. I offered to give her elder paternal parentage some burnt offerings if she would convert to Judaism and move to Los Angeles. She politely declined.

So what about the speeches?

I did not listen to any of them. Not one single speech. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

As phenomenal as my first CPAC was from a business networking and commerce standpoint, I found it meaningless as a political conference. There were some positives and negatives, but one big negative invalidated the entire conference in terms of 2012 significance.

Ron Paul supporters are more than a cancer representing the wackiest fringe elements of the Republican Party. They are also so large in numbers and so loud in lunacy that they drown out any serious discussions about issues. The only serious 2012 debates will be the ones that exclude Ron Paul. Unless he gets significant support in the polls, he and all dark horses should be banned from debates. One gets support first and then gets rewarded with air time, not the other way around.

Ron Paul won the straw poll again, which simply invalidates the straw poll. Half the voters were under 26, and young people have never decided an election.

(Sorry Obama supporters, young turnout was not any higher.)

11,000 people showed up. Yet while older people had to pay between $175 and over $1000 to attend, young people got in for as little as $25. They were bused in. They were given free stuff while they railed about personal responsibility.

With rare exception, the Paulbots were obnoxious as usual. I had to explain to a few of them that unless they were paying customers, they should get away from my booth.

The Paulbots resembled Beatlemania, something I also never understood. When Ron Paul did his book signing, the crowds were overwhelming. I should have been selling tinfoil hats instead of books. Paul was clearly the rock star of the convention, which again only illustrated the degree to which the convention had waned in influence.

Another smaller fringe group running around was supporting former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson for President. He favors legalizing pot. Congratulations slackers and stoners, you have a new leader. If the Paulbots were the supposed non-conformists who all acted and thought the same way, the Johnson supporters were the ones refusing to conform to the original Paulbot non-conformists. They were an offshoot of an offshoot. Gary Johnson got 6% of the straw poll vote, again showing how utterly useless the speeches were. In fact, the voting for the straw poll was closed before several speakers including Haley Barbour had even spoken.

One controversial decision was in to include the gay conservative group GOProud. Several organizations including the Heritage Foundation boycotted the event because of this. Yet from a conservative standpoint, the majority of the crowd felt that inviting GOProud was absolutely the right thing to do. To be fair, even the Paulbots were in the majority on this issue since it fit in with their libertarian philosophy.

As much as I love Donald Trump, he is not running for President. He makes millions of dollars and is the boss. To give that up and have to answer to others is not his style. It did not work for Ross Perot or every other billionaire CEO. I am thrilled that he pointed out the sheer folly of the Paulbots. Yet he announced that he is pro-life, becoming the umpteen billionth politico on both sides to have an election year conversion on the issue.

The Republican Party is a hierarchy, and Mitt Romney is next in line. Losing the straw poll does not hurt him. He can say that among the non-lunatic faction, he won. Paul got 30%, Romney got 23%, and nobody else got more than 6%. That is a win for Romney.

One politico I still have not met is Haley Barbour. I love Haley, and am disappointed that for some reason I just have not had the fortune to interact with him. He is all about maintaining core beliefs while being inclusiveness. Both he and Speaker Gingrich avoided social issues, preferring to focus on uniting issues.

Another reason the conference lacked validity is because Sarah Palin was not in attendance, although a Palin impersonator was there. The entire GOP contingent for 2012 is different if Palin runs. I predict she will not run, and one person praying she does not run is Michele Bachmann. There is not enough room for both, although I still predict Bachmann does not run either.

Pawlenty is most likely running for Vice President. He is tall, has good hair, is likable, and is inoffensive. The only thing different between him and Romney is that Romney is next in line in the hierarchy in a Republican Party that is strictly hierarchical until proven otherwise.

I leave out dark horses because the GOP never elects them. John Thune and Rick Santorum are great guys, but the GOP quickly weeds out anyone not in the top tier.

John Bolton electrifies Neocons, but this was not a foreign policy conference. Most people focused on economics.

Mitch Daniels may not be your typical boring, white Midwestern Governor, but the enthusiasm for him in the conference may be offset by the other 300 million people who have no idea who he is. He could be a serious vice presidential contender.

Rick Perry is too close to George W. Bush, and Americans do not like dynasties. This is why Jeb Bush is refusing to run for anything or attend CPAC.

Nobody gave a speech that vaulted the to the top or knocked them out. Nobody broke out. I did not need to hear the speeches to know this. I saw virtually everybody.

Nothing changed my mind in terms of support. Rudy Giuliani is still my guy if he runs. Assuming he does not, Haley Barbour is my guy. Linda Lingle would make a good second in command, as would Chris Christie (neither of whom attended).

The rest of them for the most part are all “acceptable.” I can live with them. Ron Paul is a non-starter, and Mike Huckabee (who did not attend) needs to clarify his stance on taxes.

So the people not in attendance mattered more than many of the people who were, which is why this conference outside of Romney’s strong showing did not reflect much reality.

For analysis beyond what little I offered, Mark McKinnon did a great job.

While the right made all the noise this past weekend, lost in the shuffle was a story about the center-left that only the New York Post covered. The Democratic Leadership has disbanded. The Democrats will now continue to embrace the hard left with the DLC dead.

I point this out because one person I befriended at CPAC was Democratic pollster and liberal pariah Pat Caddell. Caddell is a decent, thoughtful man that genuinely still cares about making the Democratic party relevant again. He also wants a more civil discourse.

This brings me back to CPAC. While the left is purging the Democratic Party of anything and anyone reasonable or moderate, it is conservatives choosing GOProud and letting those objecting to gay conservatives take a hike. This inclusiveness can be a danger in terms of letting the Paulbots hijack things, but that is the risk of inclusiveness. Right now the Paulbots are more a bizarre and often annoying curiosity than a serious political movement. If they ever win any elections I will reconsider this position.

Young Americans For Freedom made a fantastic announcement by expelling Ron Paul from their board. I am friends with Daniel Diaz, Jordan Marks, and Naphtali Rivkin, and have spoke at a major YAF event. Yet I am not supporting their decision because of this friendship. I am friends with them specifically because they make such superb decisions as this. They get it. The Paulbots do not represent the conservative youth. Young Americans for Freedom and the other YAF, Young America’s Foundation, are what youthful conservatism is about.

If CPAC can be this big a tent, then conservatism has a very bright future. Yet despite a record turnout, CPAC is no longer the political measuring stick it once was when Ronald Reagan dazzled the crowds.

However, from a socializing and networking standpoint, it was absolutely spectacular.

CPAC was not the first primary or caucus, but even a useless straw poll does not change the fact that this was the first great party of 2011, with 2012 just around the corner.


Love and Reflection on Valentine’s Day

Monday, February 14th, 2011

“It’s just an old-fashioned love song…playing on the radio…it’s just an old-fashioned love song…it’s the kind they made for you and me.”

Politics will wait another day as today is the annual celebration of love.

Over the last 39 years I have loved, lost, loved some more, and lost some more. I am at peace, with zero regrets. While I believe in and look forward to being a husband and father, I absolutely enjoy being able to do whatever I d@mn well please whenever I d@mn well please, which is always.

When I look back at loves past, I truly believe I am better off being married to none of them. A couple are married to other people. One became a lesbian.

Yet the one thing I take away from these women is how lucky I have been in terms of their humanity. Only two of them were truly bad people, and that was in college. I can honestly say that the rest of them meant well. Since graduating college, I have been fortunate enough to avoid dating a single malicious woman.

Three of them were crazy. They had varying forms and degrees of mental illness. My unwillingness to understand and empathize is something I have to live with. They wanted to be rational but they simply could not process information the way a mind should. This is unfair to them, but life is unfair. I am short while tall athletes make millions dunking basketballs.

A couple of them were shallow. There was more than a hint of snobbery.

A couple of them were liberal activists blinded by their causes.

A couple of them were whiners and low achievers. I was too ambitious for them.

Yet on this day of love, I am determined to say something positive about all of them. Their names have been redacted. Even their nicknames have been redacted.

1991–You were a tormented individual raised by a man who put you through hell. After years of being a mess, I read that you finally met someone and found the stability you desperately craved.

1992–You were one of the sweetest human beings on Earth. I was young and stupid. You were a kind, gentle soul, and you deserved much better. You married a good man and have a family, and you deserve every bit of happiness that I was too mature at age 19 to give you.

1993–You really had venom built up. I hope your turn to lesbianism allows you to find the happiness you never had when you were with men.

1994–You humanized me, and smoothed my rough edges. You stuck with me through some tough times. I even remember once when I was so busy studying that I forgot to eat. You snuck out to the cafeteria and brought me back a hamburger. You are a bright woman, and all of your success in marriage and your career is well earned.

1996–2000–Lots and lots of sex. I would have given it all up just for one real meaningful relationship. Just kidding. I got it out of my system, allowing me to enjoy monogamous relationships with ease. Ringing in the Millennium in Las Vegas with a bang was pleasant, but seeing a guy climb a telephone pole and get electrocuted was not cool. It happened before Midnight, so it was a 20th Century horror.

2001–You are a good person who after years of struggling, finally figured out what your illness was. This has allowed you to educate other people about it. Although there are things you cannot do, you never stop trying. That is commendable.

2002–I was 30 and you were 19. Yet you were mature for your age, and you saved my life. You heard me snoring in my sleep and told me I stopped breathing. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I had surgery to correct the problem. If it was not for you, I may not be alive today. Also, you were an incredibly nice and smart girl.

2002–You were 20 and we were just too different. I was attracted to you physically but we had nothing in common on any other level. I could have been more attentive, and am thrilled you met a nice guy and got married. You truly deserve that.

2003–After a string of young ones you at age 40 were 9 years older than me. You were a volatile woman, and too much for me to handle. Your nakedness was always appreciated, given your hotness.

2004–Ok, so the sex without commitment was not totally out of my system. 2004 helped.

2005–You were a sweet, gorgeous woman 9 years my senior. Your environmental activism bothered me to the point where I still want to run Prius drivers off the road. Yet you cared about me with an open heart, and I am thankful for that. Your enthusiasm for getting naked was always great. Also, I really did love that adorable dog of yours and missed him very much after we broke up. My friends all liked you, and said you were the best of the bunch. Outside pressures split us up, but I could have done much better telling those outside pressures to ind their own business. I did not put you first, and I should have.

2006–Did I say it was out my system? Perhaps not.

2007–You were a very smart woman. We totally disagreed on politics, but you were kind about it. You were so quiet that getting you to speak required pliers. Yet you had a really great heart, and the reason the breakup was so amicable was because you were so kind. Laying on the couch with you was a peaceful experience in my stressful world.

2008–Some of my best life memories were with you, and in some of them you had clothing on. Our trip to Israel will always stay with me. I wanted to stay friends and regret that you didn’t. Like me, you were married to your career. I hope one day you find balance, if you have not already.

2009–You are one of the kindest, sweetest people on Earth. Your family contains the best people in this world. You wanted to stay friends and I pushed you away, perhaps due to my experience a year earlier. Although we were not meant to be, I have only positive things to say about you, and your parents are awesome. I wish you a lifetime of happiness.

2010–Your illness causes you to process things the wrong way and get angry. I could not handle the volatility. Yet I did love you when we were together and you were the only one. You are a smart accomplished woman who deserves a patient man. For what it is worth, my parents loved you and really wanted you to be their daughter-in-law. You wanted to stay friends and I pushed you away. I felt I had to. I hope that the many problems you faced through no fault of your own somehow recede and allow you to lead a happy life. As silly as it sounds, the effort you put into something as simple as making me hot dogs was a reflection of your putting your heart into everything. Your inner and outer beauty were always apparent to me. Even after I wanted out, I still prayed for you and cared about you as a person. I still do.

2011–No further information will be given at this time, since I would be shocked if anybody read this far. I will just say that I am very happy and at peace.

As for a couple women that were just friends…

To that girl from Brooklyn I liked at age 11, I am so glad you are happy as a wife and mother. You always were a cool girl.

To that girl in New Jersey I adored from age 11 to age 14, I am glad we are still friends. You had a bumpy road but are now enjoying life as a wife and mother. You are one of the sweet people in this world, and deserve every ounce of happiness brought your way. You are still the coolest fashionista I know.

To that woman I lusted after when I was 18 and you were 25, for 20 years I wondered what happened to you. In 2010 I found out, and hope God brings you and your loved ones peace and happiness always. You are even hotter now in your 40s than in your 20s. I am glad we are friends.

I wish everybody a happy Valentine’s Day. More importantly, I wish you happy days today and beyond.

Without love, there is no life. May love be with you all now and forever.


Navel Gazing Sunday Postponed

Sunday, February 13th, 2011

It it with a deep sense of regret that the navel gazing competition I challenged President Obama to today had to be postponed.

CPAC left me exhausted, and today I flew from DC to LA with a stop in Chicago.

Yes, ironically enough I am too tired to even contemplate my own navel. Also, my voice is shot. This leaves me unable to effectively pontificate out loud to the president about nonsense in the way he can to me.

Given what an expert navel gazer the President is, it would be unfair to have the competition with me not feeling the same level of uselessness.

Also, the Egyptians are doing serious stuff, which means they would not be able to participate.

Sometime in the near future the event will be rescheduled. Some would argue that my entire blog is navel gazing, but that subject can be debated when I have more energy. Not since college when my friends and I held meetings of our Lethargy Club have I been this out of it.

This concludes the announcement that “State of the Useless: Navel Gazing Competition” has been postponed. Check back for details of the new date as I post them.


Egyptians celebrate as Mubarak steps down

Saturday, February 12th, 2011

Egyptians are celebrating in the streets as Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has decided to stand down.

For those looking for intelligent analysis, I am sure there are blogs capable of offering this. I have been at CPAC and am absolutely out of touch with much of this world this weekend.

Like many of you, I am going to process all of this information and see what happens on Monday.

As for now, I truly believe this is a positive development. Naysayers will worry that the people taking over for Mubarak will be far worse. While this is a reasonable fear, for now let’s just allow the Egyptian people to enjoy this historic moment. They deserve this.

They are dancing in the streets, and quite peacefully at that. To them to feel bad makes no sense. They feel good, and they should.

If this goes well, other dominoes in the Arab world could fall in a big and fantastic way.

Tough days lie ahead for the Egyptian people, but today is a good day.

Congratulation Egypt. At this moment, you are free.

May your liberty be forever.


CPAC invaded by Paulbots

Friday, February 11th, 2011

A combination of exhaustion and…well, exhaustion…will make this the equivalent of short shrift Friday. This is less a column than a quick report.

I am attending CPAC for the first time, and there have been positives and negatives.

I got to perform at an event Thursday night which was fun. The  next couple days I will transition from performer to vendor. The pace is intense.

On the positive front I made new friends I will have for life and ran into friends I have not seen in ages and ages. It is like nothing changed.

From a business standpoint, the networking is fantastic.

Among the politicos I got to see who I have met before were Speaker Newt Gingrich and Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. I actually began the day running into Mary Katharine Ham. She is as nice as ever.

I met Andrea Tantaros for the first time. She is incredibly nice, smart, and friendly. I recently interviewed her by email, but it was nice to meet her in person.

I was interviewed by CNN, and by the New Republic. Time will tell if those are a pair of hatchet jobs.

Yet one big negative hangs over CPAC, and that is the Paulbots.

They make me ill. It is not that they support Ron Paul, who I agree with on economics but disagree with on foreign policy. It is that they blindly follow him. They are lemmings. They are a cult.

Most of them are young people who are easily malleable.

I am at CPAC for business. The Paulbots for me are the worst of all possible worlds. They have no money, they don’t buy books, and they like to argue. I am not there for debates. I am there for commerce. Either buy my book, or get the heck away from my table. I paid money to be a vendor. Thankfully the NRA table is nearby in case I need to get medieval.

No, not really.

Yet the Paulbots are relentless. They are buying the straw poll, which will be meaningless once they win.

The Paulbots are a bunch of people talking to each other insisting that the world agrees with them. If that were the case, Ron Paul would have one at least one delegate in 2008. He won nothing.

The Paulbots are basically the equivalent of Lyndon Larouche in the Democratic Party. They are a fringe.

This is a problem for CPAC because Ronald Reagan would weep today if he saw that the conservative conference he made famous was being invaded by armies of isolationists and protectionists.

The “liberty caucus” signs are everywhere. It is frightening.

Luckily the politicians seem to be ignoring them, treating them like the gadflys they are.

Nevertheless, while to me they don’t matter, I fear for the Republican Party if any mainstream politician ever decides that they do matter.

I hope that like most young people, they will quit and leave early, and allow CPAC to get back to what it should be…real conservatism.


If they would stay in their own spaceship I would not mind,

Congressional Goings and Goings

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Once again, another Republican cannot keep himself fully dressed.

Before getting to the main event, a pair of Democrats have done the Republican Party a favor and are running for the hills.

Virginia Democratic Senator Jim Webb has decided not to run for reelection in 2012. After one term, he leaves behind a legacy of an asterisk.

His election in 2006 took place because the blogosphere torpedoed the campaign of George Allen.

(Full Disclosure: I did an event with Governor Allen recently. I am enthusiastically supporting his return to the Senate.)

Joe Biden gets to spout nonsense on a daily basis, but one comment blown out of proportion led to George Allen going from a top tier presidential candidate to an agonizingly close Senate loss. The vote was close enough for a recount, but George Allen is not Al Gore. He put the people over his own ambition and walked away honorably.

The man who defeated him entered just as dishonorably. When President George W. Bush tried to welcome Mr. Webb by asking about his son, Webb replied, “That’s between me and my boy.” Webb’s classlessness is one reason he will not be missed. As for why he is leaving, George Allen is making a comeback. For a man who loved attacking Republicans, his cutting and running for shelter is a tad gutless. Either way, good riddance to Mr. Webb.

The resignation of Democratic Congresswoman Jane Harman is a bigger stunner on several levels.

For one thing, Ms. Harman no longer has a competitive seat. Redistricting has made her seat. Additionally, her carefully crafted image as a moderate Democrat is legitimate. Her pro-defense stands often put her at odds with the Pelosiraptor.

Ms. Harman does not need the money. She is the wealthiest woman in Congress with a net worth of around 800 million dollars. She is not under any cloud of scandal.

Yet she has decided to just up and leave to take a job with a George Soros entity.

This is surprising because Ms. Harman defeated a Soros sycophant in the most recent Democratic primary. Her views are not in sync with him. Since she is already wealthy, time will tell why she would leave Congress for a job working for the very man trying to undermine America.

She recently defeated Mattie Fein in the general election, and Ms. Fein may run again.

(Full disclosure: I know Ms. Fein personally and supported her in her race against Ms. Harman.)

Yet if Mr. Webb leaving is a storm and Ms. Harman’s departure is a hurricane, then the downfall of Christopher Lee is a sexual tsunami.

New York Republican Congressman Christopher Lee was just immediately resigned from Congress. The married Congressman was caught sending half-naked pictures of himself to a woman on Craigslist.

Would it be too much to ask for one of these sexually repressed Republicans to keep their trousers on? Is it that hard to love the person representing the sacred vows found on the wedding ring?

This is a disgrace and a distraction for the Republican Party. If Republicans need to have it spelled out again, there are certain rules for those wanting to let their proclivities run wild.

Step one is to not run for political office. Everybody born after 1920 knows this thing called the Internet. Everything is public. Nothing stays secret. There is no privacy. To run for office while mired in secret scandals is selfish, and destructive to America. Imagine if (shudder) John Edwards had won the nomination and then gotten caught. America needs to focus on killing terrorists, which is hard to do when leaders are preoccupied with adolescent carnality.

Step two is to stay single. A certain blogger who resembles yours truly in every way does not have to worry about being caught in the Jacuzzi with a pair of Republican Jewish brunettes. Shame? Try finding the guys and bragging about it as high-fives are exchanged. Single people get upset when the truth fails to leak out. It is important succesful stories of conquest reach critical mass so more single liaisons can take place.It is also hard to blackmail people volunteering to go public.

Married people do not have the luxury of disclosure, nor should they. For those bored with their spouse, take them to some role-playing seminar taught by Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Just don’t talk about it. You’re married. You’re boring. Accept this. Know that once you walk down that aisle, a sacred oath is taken. The public is in no mood to trust people who cannot even behave honorably with those they claim to love most.

Step three is to never ever take public pictures. The blogger mentioned earlier understands the difference between self-confidence and hubris. Every American needs to look in the mirror just once at their naked body and ask themselves if they really think they are that special that anybody else would want to look at that. Be honest. Surgeons make millions off of liposuctions, rhinoplastys, and tummy tucks because none of us are perfect. Nobody wants to see it. Keep your clothing on.

(If you are the leader of a nation, be it Obama, Putin, or Sarkozy, there is an exemption. Sarkozy wants the world to know he is married to Carla Bruni. This is normal.)

Step four is to leave America. Go to Europe. British Prime Minister David Cameron’s wife took illicit pictures of herself. She can. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is a walking peccadillo. He is a billionaire Italian. It comes with the territory.

Step five is to become as politically liberal as possible. Bill Clinton sexually abuses women for sport. Ted Kennedy got one killed. Elliott Spitzer trafficked in prostitutes yet spent zero time in jail.

Republicans are not allowed to behave this way because Republicans preach morality. Many liberals allow moral bankruptcy, so they get a pass. Al Gore was sanctimonious, so he did not.

The good news for Republicans is that Christopher Lee is from Western New York, which most people think is from Canada anyway. Buffalo is Hamilton.

The bad news is that once again we Republicans will be accused of being moralistic hypocrites. Even Republicans like me who publicly lower the morality bar get dragged down because we belong to the party of family values.

It is time for the Republican Party to keep their pants zipped or watch Democrats recreate the Salem Witch Trials and purge the entire Republican Party out of existence.

Go now Mr. Lee. Try and salvage your family. Just don’t ever return to the political arena.

Republicans have enough distractions.