THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Today is infomercial Saturday.

No, I have not turned into Vince, and I will not be selling you Shamwow or Slapchop. I am actually disturbed that I even know what that means.

Today is a a day to link to others, all with products or services. I do this because I met these people, and like them. I sure as heck am not getting a fee for this.

Anyway, let’s start out with something dignified. Ward Connerly has a book out entitled, “Lessons from my Uncle James.” It is an easy read, and an enjoyable one at that. As usual with Ward Connerly, it is meaningful. I recommend his book.

http://www.acri.org/blog/buy-lessons-from-my-uncle/

Evan Sayet is back doing conservative comedy at the Laugh Facotry in Hollywood. Apparently the new President has not outlawed criticism of him just yet. The show is on Tuesday, February 17th.

http://www.evansayet.com/

Kate over at “Small Dead Animals” is an awesome blogger and a very nice person. Visit her often.

http://www.smalldeadanimals.com/

As always, Spree at Wake Up America has been a source of kindness towards me. Also, she is a republican Jewish brunette.

http://wwwwakeupamericans-spree.blogspot.com/

I had the pleasure of attending a business mixer put on by the Los Angeles Jewish Chamber of Commerce. It was refreshing being around so many Jews that not only understand business, but actually like business.

http://www.lajewishchamber.com/

The person who led me to the mixer is Jeff Gurman. He is in private wealth management.

http://www.gurmanwm.com

Evelyn Jerome Alexander is a principal at SJA Strategies. They are a political consulting firm that helps elect democrats. For those wondering if I am off my rocker, I am giving them a mention because Evelyn’s brother is Randy Steinberg, who I had the pleasure of debating. Although I do not see myself supporting their clients, if you are a democrat wanting to get elected, they will work hard for you. Randy is a great guy, and I wish him success in life, and look forward to our next debate.

Like Jeff Gurman, Also in the world of finance are:

Ilan H http://wwwghjadvisors.com

Michael Katz at Citi Smith Barney

Marc Lipson at Merrill Lynch

Scott Goodman at Entertainment Wealth Management

Andy K does web techie stuff.

http://webtecnik.com

Jacques P is a Travel Consultant.

http://www.pnrtravel.com

Yaroslav K films weddings.

http://www.whyfilms.com

Kambiz M is a real estate guy.

http://www.mashianassociates.com

Bernadette I provides nursing services inclusing home care.

http://www.treasurednurses.com

Alain B is an attorney.

http://www.avbesq.com

Brian H is the man behind Threaded Heritage.

http://www.getthreaded.com

David J is a marketing guy.

http://www.aboutresultsmarketing.com

Aviv M is another techie. Her company is ANETONLINE.

Alon Pesso is an auto and home insurance guy at Elite One Insurance.

Aaron O is a chiropractor.

http://www.drorpelli.com

For catering, EJ P will handle things.

http://www.angeliniosteria.com

Vanesa D sells fine art.

http://www.duekart.com

For eyeglasses and eye wear, Joel M will help you.

http://www.sigeye.com

We all have to go at some point. In conjunction with Temple Israel of Hollywood, there is Paul G working at Hillside Memorial.

Lastly, yours truly will have his book come out in March. Details to follow.

In the meantime, donate to my special Tygrrrr Express fund. The donate button is on my home page. It is the Tygrrrr Express fund solely for the benefit of the Tygrrrr Express.

This concludes Infomercial Saturday.

eric

Every once in awhile I need to light myself on fire.

I need to take the bullets, slings and arrows so that other people don’t have to.

I need to say the things that need to be said. You know that many of you are thinking it, but I am going to say it, and face the wrath and consequences.

Mentally ill people need to be quarantined.

Drug them up, lock them up, but for the love of God, just shut them up.

Fine. I am a compassionless, heartless b@stard. So what? When mentally ill people are not around, I have something that is more priceless than platinum. I have peace of mind.

I was not born with this hostility. It has taken a lifetime for me to want to take these people and rip their tongues out so that they cannot utter another bat spit crazy word.

I was not born wanting to hack their hands off so they could never send another angry text message at 4am.

I was not born wanting to be a vigilante because these mental lunatics have lawyers that want to trumpet their causes as they sue because they are angry about something, even if they are not sure exactly what and why they are angry.

As a productive worker, I have seen truly deranged people force my firm to spend legal bills defending junk lawsuits while refusing to say exactly what they want. Even Al Queda has a list of actual demands.

Legal Aid lawyers take these cases, and thousands of dollars later my firm still has no idea exactly WHY the other side is angry. They have doctor’s notices, but it has nothing to do with us.

Even when they do not sue, they call in and complain. One woman screamed at me for 10 minutes because her husband was cheating on her. She did mention her “condition,” but finally I had to ask her exactly what that had to do with our company.

Apparently we randomly cold called him. She was checking all of his messages to see who was on his cell phone. I finally convinced this nutcase of a woman that we had never met, spoken to, or done business with this man. I will never get those minutes of my life back.

It is not just work. One woman I went to college with once blew up at me as I was planning her birthday party. She had just seen the movie “Thelma and Louise,” and it put her in an angry mood towards men. She had “issues,” and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

18 years later, this woman sent me hate mail because she did not like one of my columns. That hate mail will be an entire column in itself. She has threatened to sue me if I publish it, even though I have told her the names will be redacted. Needless to say, her language was as uncivil as her brain was fried.

These are not aberrations. Some people are just certifiable.

An ex-girlfriend of mine was very troubled. When I say troubled, I mean unstable. When I quickly broke it off, the hostile phone calls kept coming. I had to call her mother, who apologized for her daughter’s behavior, and promised to make her cease. She did.

Now all of these nutcases were women. Yet men get no exemption.

Twice in my life, I have had roommates that were simply not mentally all there. They hid it well in the beginning.

Both of them would fly into rages over politics, especially when they did not take their medication.

In fact every one of these people mentioned above was politically left wing.

I am not in any way implying that being a liberal makes one mentally ill. I am sure there are non-liberals that have mental illnesses. I have just been lucky enough to not meet them.

I will at some point try to analyze why the correlation between mental illness and far leftism is so strong, but that is not what today is about. My suspicion is that leftism teaches people to rail against perceived injustices. Easily susceptible people then consider every possible real or imaginary slight to be an injustice. They become crusaders. Railing against the rich and the powerful is just an extension of railing at random inanimate objects on the street.

I did not start these political conversations. I would be watching tv, minding my own business, and they would start yelling. You cannot win an argument with a lunatic. You have to wait until they burn themselves out. It is truly like being subjected to domestic terrorism.

Again, my analysis is not scientific. Anyway, back to the crazies.

Two members of my family are mentally ill.

The good news for me is that neither one of them are my mother or father. The bad news is that my parents want me to be more “compassionate.”

No. I am done. I gave at the office. Repeatedly.

I am tired of being let down. I am tired of having to tolerate bad behavior. I am tired of being told that these people are “not well,” and that “they can’t help what they do.”

Yes they can. They can check themselves into treatment centers. If they won’t, then their caretakers should forcibly enter them.

Some say the law will not allow this. Well the law needs to be fixed. Do we have to wait until these people boil a bunny rabbit or kill a productive human being before we realize that something should have been done? The Son of Sam may have been a lovely child, but if a dog is telling him to kill people, either shoot the dog for telling him to do it, or get rid of him for listening!

Some say that a major problem in this society is that we do not give mental illness the same respect that we give physical illnesses. There is a major difference.

Nobody used cancer or heart disease as an excuse to make my life miserable. The physically ill do not drag down healthy people.

Mentally ill people are a threat to the very survival of people who have a chance at success and normalcy.

I have experienced years of trying to love “sick” relatives only to be violated over and over again.

I cannot be pulled out of a business meeting where serious issues are on the line because somebody is having a breakdown and crying because that is what they do.

My parents have told me to just turn my cell phone off. No. I leave it on in case of an emergency.

This gets to the heart of what I freely admit is rage towards these people. It is not the normal people that should be forced to adapt. It is so easy to tell productive and sane people, “Just change so the behavior of ill people will not interfere.”

I don’t have to change. Nor should I. It is the people who scream and yell at inanimate objects that need to change.

“They can’t help who and how they are.”

That does not mean I have to tolerate these people. Get them away from me.

One day I plan to have a family. I cannot have these people near my family. Safety comes first.

What if one day I gave birth to a mentally ill child?

I would be crushed, angry, bitter, and would still love my child. What I would not do is let them be unleashed on society to wreak havoc. I will get them the appropriate treatment.

Those who are responsible for mentally ill people, be it their parents or their government, must force these people into getting better. In fact, if a parent of a mentally ill teenager does not get them treatment, and the mentally ill teenager goes and kills somebody, the parents should be arrested immediately.

“You can’t try the parents. They have suffered enough.”

No. The people that had their family member killed by a lunatic are the ones that suffered. The parents enabled this. Behind every act of violence by one of these monsters is a person or people that did nothing to stop it, preferring excuses over corrective actions.

Don’t be fooled by feel good Hollywood garbage. In real life Forrest Gump is not charming. He is not a hero. He is a babbling psychopath that most likely is wielding a knife while yelling about “The eye of the dog of the drum of the morlock of the power broker of the King of Henry the Eighth I am!”

I have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I have a right to walk down the street safely.  I have the right to watch television without being verbally assaulted. I have the right to get through a business meeting without “emergencies” that are not actual emergencies getting in the way. I have the right to not be inundated with text messages at 4am.

I have the right to not have to deplete my savings because others failed in their financial obligations, and will continue to fail forever and ever. A 0% success rate is a pretty reliable statistic to predict future failures.

I have the right to be left the heck alone.

I don’t care how many people get hurt by this column. I really don’t.

Call me every name in the book, but I honor my responsibilities.

When you have pets that are wild and out of control, you get them spayed or neutered. If people are willing to get their animals treated so that society does not suffer, then surely people deserve no less.

Drug them up. Lock them up. Do what it takes. Just shut them up.

Otherwise we will all be driven to that level of insanity, and nobody will be left to produce.

Besides, if any one of us sane people snap and kill one of them, we can always just claim we are crazy and be absolved of all responsibility.

Heck, it works for both of my relatives. They attack everybody and answer to nobody.

I am done trying to help people that only hurt others. At this point I would be willing to stick them in Guantanamo Bay before it gets shut down for good. Maybe they can make the Al Queda crazies even crazier. It would be interesting to see who surrenders at that point.

Mentally ill people turn into verbal terrorists. They become verbal (unless they cross over into actual) suicide bombers. The only solution is to break them in half. Indulging them does not work. Enabling them emboldens them.

Like other terrorists, the solution is force.

I pray that the various people I have cited above, including my relatives, get forcibly dragged into the appropriate treatment facilities. I hope they get drugged against their will until they stop being threatening.

I have the right to live in peace and tranquility.

Until the streets are cleared from these dangerous people, none of us are safe.

“They can’t help it.”

Well make them help it.

Because I can’t help it anymore. I shouldn’t have to.

I gave at the office. Then they interrupted a critical meeting and demanded that I give even more.

It’s them or me. It sure as well won’t be me. I worked too d@mn hard.

eric

This is Dead Week, the worst week of the calendar year. There is no NFL Football this Sunday, since the Superbowl is not until next week.

I hate Dead Week. It is a reminder that while the Pro Bowl is in 2 weeks, in 3 weeks there will be no football. I will have nothing to do. Every offseason gets tougher for me. I have no other hobbies, nor do I care to develop them.

This makes my column on Sundays a practical blank piece of paper. I could take Sundays off, but until my blog is established to my satisfaction, it will be a 7 day adventure.

Some have asked me how I write a column every day, but the truth is I do have a lot of “filler,” although that filler is still helpful to some. One example is the recap I did of Presidential debates. Any monkey can transcribe, and I am happy to be that simian. Yet that well will remain dry until 2011.

So what should I write about on Sundays starting 3 weeks from now? I would prefer it not be straight politics, since I do that Monday through Saturday. Here are some ideas below. I would like feedback, but may or may not listen.

1) I have written 70 songs in my lifetime. I could just post song lyrics from one song each Sunday, with the story or inspiration for the song.

2) Jdate horror stories. Jdate is a Jewish dating website, and while most of my experiences have been positive, train wrecks do make for good writing.

3) Links to other articles…a complete copout.

4) I did a radio show for 15 years where I played rock music. I could transcribe my comments from one show per week, or perhaps play the clips if I can figure out how to transfer them from cassettes and cds to internet files. The show was called “Hard as a rock.”

5) I could have people submit me articles from their blogs, and the very best article would be published on my site, with me only providing bookend comments.

6) I could provide links to You Tube videos I like, but then I would have to actually go on You Tube. I suppose I could.

I could just play a video clip of me holding a remote control and sobbing uncontrollably, knowing that no matter how furiously I change the channels, there is no football.

About 25-30 Sundays with nothing to do. I hang out with my friends or go on dates in the evenings, but during the day?

I have 3 weeks to figure this out. Otherwise, the quality of this blog is going to drop 14.2%, or 0% for those who already feel it has dropped 100% from its early promise.

Happy Dead Week everybody.

eric

January 9th is my birthday!

I was toying with the idea of asking for things that would benefit all of mankind, but then remembered that womyn would start hollering about womynkind.

So instead, I decided to just offer my wish list for one man…me.

Some people say that wishing for stuff means it will not come true. Those people need to be smacked. Expressing wishes is the clearest way of telling well intentioned people that give lousy gifts to listen up, pay attention, and just get me what is on the list.

Republican Jewish brunettes. I want them sent to my home. They should be wearing Hanukkah bows, and only Hanukkah bows. Their pasties should also be pastries, preferably blue and white frosting. More than two of these women at a time would be a bit much. Send them anyway.

In place of one of the republican Jewish brunettes, Shannon Doherty is an acceptable alternative. She gets a lifetime exemption even if she does not convert.

I have steaks in my freezer and football on television all weekend. So my needs are relatively few.

I could always appreciate more money and more power. Actually, the money is less important. Absolute power would be nice.

I wish the homicide bombers of the world would take the day off. That means the literal murderers that consist of Arabs in the Middle East, as well as the verbal bombers that usually come in the form of liberals and feminists.

For one day, it would be nice if the liberals, feminists, and Arab homicide bombers gave it a rest.

Some will argue that maybe it would be nice if an alpha male that extolls the virtues of Jews, republicans, and football would take the day off.

Well you are wrong, but as a gesture of good will, I will take the rest of the day off anyway.

Now return the favor. Be silent. You can be twice as cantankerous tomorrow if that will help.

Socializing on my actual birthday Friday night, sleeping in on Saturday, football on Saturday afternoon, my birthday party Saturday night, and more football on Sunday.

A happy birthday indeed.

Oh yeah, and don’t forget the pair of republican Jewish brunettes.

eric

The Chicago Cannonball and I broke up.

There are no villains. I will never say a bad word about her.

We gave it our best shot, but after 10 months, we didn’t make it.

The positive memories will last forever, but the relationship did not.

She will always have a special place in my heart.

eric

We…can…do…this.

What the heck is that beeping sound?

(knocks the phone off the hook, keeps banging the snooze alarm)

A voice tells me it’s my pager. My pager is black, so finding it in the dark is the needle haystack equivalent. A lucky smack knocks it against the wall, where it may or may not have shattered. The beeping continues.

Who the heck is texting me at this ungodly hour of…1pm?

Great, happy new year wishes. Thanks. Whoever you are, I hate you.

I remember once being awakened by somebody who insisted it was 1PM. I explained to them that they were on the East Coast, and that 1pm EST is 10AM in Los Angeles. The person explained that they knew how to tell time, and that it was 4PM EST, hence 1PM where I was.

Sure, I could get up and write my column. It’s a new year, and starting the year off with a flurry of brilliance might be helpful. Forget it. I wrote the column last night.

The 2010 elections? The first candidate to call me gets blistered on my blog…tomorrow.

The Bowl games? I have Tivo. Besides, does anybody care who wins the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl, the Lack of Insight.com Bowl, the Fishbowl, the RU486 Morning After Bowl, or any other game that I may or may not have made up?

Speaking of the morning after, does anybody remember the David Byrne Talking Heads song from the movie “Less than Zero? (which the temperature feels like right now, even in LA)” The song is called “Once in a lifetime.”

“This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. What have I done? How did I get here?”

I then realize that the beeping sounds are the voices in my head telling me I am too old, even at 35, to stay out this late. I do not even drink alcohol, yet I remain exhausted.

I should get out of bed, but at 1pm, I have to be at work in 20 hours. I had better rest up.

Besides, if I get up now, and somehow stagger to the shower, and get dressed, I can make it out of my condo to go…nowhere, the stores are closed.

My birthday is in just over a week, I should pace myself.

Heck, I could work on my website. All that takes is staggering to my couch. Oh, no. My IT guy finished it already months ago. Touching anything would only screw it up.

I could go on Jdate and search for women. Not a bad idea, except that I am too exhausted to check their adams apples. I do not want a boyfriend, and am not sure that my eyes can tell the difference right now. Also, the Chicago Cannonball and I are in a relationship, and getting shot to death is not the way to start the year. She arrives in town next week. She likes to do things in the morning, so I had better save up sleep now before she forces me up before 11am.

Perhaps I can shop on Ebay. No, bad idea. Buying stuff when not at full capacity is problematic. Do I really need another mountain goat? I think not. D@mn creature gets his horns in my hide. Not a comfy way to wake up. Calm down boy, I’ll get you some straw to graze on when I wake up.

I could work on my record album, although I keep telling the world that just because my hair is long, that does not mean I am in a band. The only instrument I like is the triangle, because that tells me lunch is ready. I could work on my book, except it is in the hands of the editors. In March it had better be an instant classic, or at least the subject of some book burnings by Arabs and feminists.

I could get up and eat something. Ahh, yes, lunch. My microwave is slow, and a 5 minute tv dinner takes almost 15 minutes. I could read the paper, but it is cold outside my building where the stand is, and I can’t find any coins. Reading the paper online is tiring, and my printer is not working. I really could use the lifestyle section. It makes a great placemat for when I am eating.

If I stay in bed for only a couple more hours until 3PM, that would allow me to stay up all night so I am totally exhausted for work tomorrow. The boss might not like that plan.

Running errands…not gonna happen.

Every morning, I say a 4 word prayer to start my day. I use my elbows to try and leverage them against my bed to prop me up. I used to place my alarm clock on the other side of the room, but ripping the cord out of the wall solved that problem.

As for the Jewish brunette, aka the Chicago Cannonball, she not only steals my heart, but the covers as well. Her political liberalism is not a problem last night, although if she or anyone else opens their trap today I will be more caustic than usual because I should be sleeping right now.

Oh wait, she already left in October. Here is the note. “I tried to wake you, but that was a losing battle. By the way, you have nothing but soda in your fridge. Talk to you soon.”

She is a liar. I have potato chips in my fridge as well. Why they are there, I am not sure, but it saves having to remember which cabinet they are in. One stop shopping, I tell you, is the way to go.

Besides, I combed my hair for her last month in North Carolina. I am not doing it this morning. I am a “retrosexual (Thank you Laree for teaching me a new first vocab word.).”

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=retrosexual

I should at least have the decency to say some morning prayers.

“Hey God…those people I pray for every night…yeah those people, the same ones…look after them again.”

I briefly go back to sleep, despite every attempt to wake up. The home phone is turned off, the cell is off as well, and the pager is still shattered, in addition to being disconnected over a year ago.

There may have been a car crash outside my building followed by 911 calls and sirens, but telling everybody to “keep it down,” solved that problem. A brief nightmare of me being late for work was averted when I realized they would find me if needed.

Four tvs in the living room, and none in the bedroom. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, a tv in the bedroom would promote laziness. Besides, trying to figure out which remote to use would cause me to break them all as if they were my pager.

Ok, 3PM it is. Come on, elbows, do your stuff. Rise, young lad, rise! Awaken thy exhausted tired eyes!

Why is God shouting? Oh wait, that is my overdramatization of God.

I had better set the alarm now so I do not miss work tomorrow. I wonder where I threw it. Threw it? Oh, screw it.

Ok, time for my 4 word prayer. It has gotten me this incredibly terribly far. Time to contemplate getting out of bed.

“We…can…do…this.”

Happy 2009 all. Except for the person that woke me up earlier. Whoever you are, I still can’t stand you.

eric

As time ticks and the clock clicks from 2008 to 2009, I will not be offering any words of wisdom, or wistfulness. I will not be waxing nostalgic, poetic, or philosophic.

The best of the year was meeting the Chicago Cannonball.

The worst was losing my grandmother.

Everything else pales by comparison.

All I will say is that it takes a ton of people to make the Tygrrrr Express the success it has become.

Some of these people I interact with daily. Some, only a handful of times a year.

Nevertheless, every person I have ever interacted with online, whether liberal or conservative, pro or anti-football, or any other category that escapes me, is significant.

I recently watched the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the very first time. I found it incredibly moving.

So for those of you who wonder if you affected anybody in a positive way, let me emphatically state that yes you absolutely did.

Below is my blogroll. Please visit all of these people at some time. To those on the blogroll, thank you, and may 2009 be the best year you have ever had.

For those that drop by but do not blog for yourselves, your visits are thrilling for me.

God Bless you all, and may my internet friends appreciate each other collectively as much as I appreciate them individually. Most people have a link that is the same as the title of their site. For those that do not, I left the title and the link.

2sistersfromtheright.com Politics–Conservative

alogicalillation.com Politics–Conservative

alexashrugged.com Politics–Conservative

alltalksports.wordpress.com Sports
America can only be right     liberalslie.blogtownhall.com Politics–Conservative

America, America       web.mac.com/rneglia/Site/Blog Politics–Conservative

americanranger.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

americantruckersatwar.com Politics–Conservative

An American Expat in Southeast Asia     laotze.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

An Ol’ Broad’s Ramblings    olbroad.com Politics–Conservative

andysworld.blogtownhall.com Politics–Conservative

Anti-Antediluvian     outcastweb.com Politics–Conservative

Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler    nicedoggie.net Politics–Conservative

arcanaintellego.blogspot.com Politics–International

Arra News Service   arkansasgopwing.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com Politics–Conservative

babyboomeradvisorclub.com Miscellaneous

baldheadedgeek.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

barcepundit-english.blogspot.com Politics–International

barnhartblog.com Politics–Conservative

bearbrooks.com/blog.html Politics–Conservative

beltwaysnark.com Politics–Conservative

Big Dog’s Weblog    onebigdog.net Politics–Conservative

billyjacksblog.com Politics–Conservative

billyworldchangernews.blogtownhall.com Politics–Conservative

suzyrice.com/BIRD Politics–Conservative

birdseyeview.townhall.com Politics–Conservative

bizzyblog.com Politics–Conservative

blackandright.mndnet.com Politics–Conservative

blackfive.net MILITARY

blancadebree.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

BlatantReality.com Politics–Conservative

bloodthirstyliberal.com Politics–Conservative

bluebloggin.com Politics–Liberal

bluestarchronicles.com Politics–Conservative

boldcolorconservative.com Politics–Conservative

bpcustomshop.com Miscellaneous

Braden’s take on the matter    soldieroftruth.wordpress.com Politics–Conservative

brutallyhonest.org Politics–Conservative

cakerdeath.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

Cary Wesberry   patgray.com Politics–Conservative

carynswark.wordpress.com Politics–Conservative

Casey’s Critical Thinking   hoshuha.com/blog Politics–Conservative

cassyfiano.com Politics–Conservative

Centerfield Sportsbar / Linwood Pizza   linwoodpizzamn.com Miscellaneous

chicagoray.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

classicalvalues.com Politics–Conservative

commentarymagazine.com Politics–Conservative

commonsensewithkennykemp.townhall.com Politics–Conservative

conservarant.townhall.com Politics–Conservative

conservathink.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

Conservative Blog    urbanconservative.com Politics–Conservative

conservativeteenager.com Politics–Conservative

constitutionclub.wordpress.com Politics–Conservative

Counting Sheep   zerosheep.com Politics–Conservative

cristyli.wordpress.com Politics–Conservative

cultureforall.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

dequalss.com/wp Politics–Conservative

deathby1000papercuts.com Politics–Conservative

Dime a Dozen   rjjago.wordpress.com Politics–Conservative

dirtyelection.com Politics–Conservative

discipline.wordpress.com Politics–Conservative

docrampage.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

Don’t get me started    jacksonville.com/community/cc/hefty Politics–Conservative

dougpowers.com Politics–Conservative

drunkreport.com Comedy

ediblog.com Politics–Conservative

Medical edwinleap.com/blog Miscellaneous

elusivetruth.townhall.com Politics–Conservative

emailourmilitary.com MILITARY

Emet M’Tstiyon   ziontruth.blogspot.com Politics–Jewish

Energy Now   ngoc8or.blogtownhall.com Politics–Conservative

fansided.com SPORTS

faultlineusa.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

fedupnetwork.com Politics–Conservative

flapsblog.com Politics–Conservative

Flipping the Word   mandewilkes.com Politics–Conservative

floppingaces.net Politics–Conservative

For Zion’s Sake   masada1234.blogspot.com Politics–Jewish

forthardknox.com Politics–Conservative

ginacobb.typepad.com Politics–Conservative

goatsbarnyard.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

Politics godgunsandgrits.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

governmentreform.townhall.com Politics–Conservative

greatsatansgirlfriend.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

Politics grizzlygroundswell.com Politics–Conservative

Radio grizzlygroundswellradio.com Politics–Conservative

hangright.org Politics–Conservative

happyjake.townhall.com Politics–Conservative

hardastarboard.mu.nu Politics–Conservative

Hard To Swallow   absurdthoughtsaboutgod.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

haroldrosenthal.yourkwagent.com Miscellaneous

wheadlinehollywood.wordpress.com Politics–Conservative

hillbillywhitetrash.blogspot.com Politics–Conservative

hiram7.wordpress.com Politics–Jewish

holycoast.com Politics–Conservative

houstonconservative.com Politics–Conservative

hughhewitt.townhall.com Politics–Conservative

gottafang.wordpress.com Politics–Conservative

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Happy 2009 everybody!

eric

In 2007 I told the simple tale of my youthful class action lawsuit against Santa Claus.

In 2008 I wish a Merry Christmas to my New Testament worshiping brethren (While apologizing for the hostile behavior of my liberal Jewish friends towards the biggest supporters of Israel on Earth).

I also wish a Happy Hanukkah to the 14 million fellow Hebrews that have helped carry on almost 6000 years of traditions.

For those who have now noticed, I have had the pleasure of joining the Jewish Journal.

http://www.jewishjournal.com

The Jewish Journal is the premier Jewish magazine of Los Angeles.

I have been very tough on the Jewish Journal, referring to it over the years as the JLJ, aka the Jewish Liberal Journal. Nevertheless, some on the left offer fake promises of diversity. The Jewish Journal has decided to take a chance on somebody that is likely to inflame much of their readership. Their point of view that having a liberal tilt is sensible given the liberal tilt of the overall Jewish community is not without merit.

Nevertheless, the young Jewish community is less reflexively liberal. Now as time goes by, we shall see if those on the left that proclaim their love for diversity are interested in intellectual and ideological diversity.

As for the Jewish Journal, I am a guest in their home, and genuinely appreciate the invitation.

I have three Fatwas currently against me….one from a Palestinian group, one from the Daily Kos, and one from the National Organization for Women.

Nevertheless, today is a day of peace, not counting the soccer moms preparing to race to the mall and kill each other over whatever the 2008 version of the Furby is declared cool by marketers.

So in the spirit of peace, I shall even reach out to liberals. Liberals like to sue people. I therefore present my lawsuit Christmas special column.

Luckily for me, I like movie theatres, bowling alleys, and Chinese food.While today is not a holiday for me, I will confine my remarks to my memories of December 25th, and what the day represents.

First of all, as a follower of the Hebrew faith, if I ever try to run for political office, let’s get my scandal out of the way right now (no, not those scandals, the other one). When I was eight years old I tried to sue Santa Claus.

I did not know what a class action lawsuit was, but I went to my parents, and told them that if enough of my Jewish friends got together, we could file a discrimination claim against that fat, red (redacted). It just did not seem fair that he kept skipping over my house. I was a good kid (I stand by that statement).

Besides, I liked football, and Santa was built like an offensive tackle. Maybe he skipped my home because he was a 49ers fan. He did wear red, and some gold. I never did see him in silver and black. Yet I could not help think that he had a problem with the Jews. He never wore Blue and White either. Some people tried to patronize me with Hanukkah Harry. Sorry folks, that is like getting a 3 Stooges episode with Shemp. It just is not the same.

Now that I am older, I realize that God showed his love for the Israelites by making their holy day on a Saturday. This was so there is little to no conflict with the National Football League. Christians have to go to church on Sunday, and I know there are many devout Christian fathers who feel that the best way to worship the lord is with a soda and a bag of chips, and men grappling in inclement whether over an oblate spheroid.

I remember icy Decembers in New York, with ripped gloves. It allowed me to catch the football better. My parents were horrified, since they did not want the neighbors to think we were poor, when we were comfortably middle class. I did get several pairs of gloves that year, and they all got ripped playing ball, and I wore them ripped.

Some say life was simpler back then, but that is a lie. I was just too young to know any better. I did not know as a child that the Anti-Defamation League or the Equal Employment Opportunities Commission existed. There was no redress for me to go after Santa. Plus, my paper route was not enough to pay the filing fee anyway. Then again, had Santa not been anti-Semitic, I might be a liberal today, begging for free toys without doing anything to earn them. As a proud conservative republican, my kids will not rely on some overweight, out of shape has-been to get the job done.

There. I feel better already.

Santa…I’ve got my eye on you. I’ve got the legal papers, and made sure the big words were spelled correctly. If I see you skipping any houses, you better have a good explanation.

Off to find out if Reindeer meat is Kosher. Time to take down Rudolph before any more religious hatred is spread.

No, not really. Happy Holidays all!

Time to sleep in and relax. I have work on Friday. Unlike Santa, I can’t be out all night playing with animals. I have responsibilities.

eric

Happy Chaka Khan 2008!

I wished you all a Happy Chaka Khan in 2007, and am offering only minor updates for 2008.

What can I say? For those who do not celebrate this lovely holiday, “I feel for you.” For those who truly want good things in life, the world truly does need “higher love.”

2008 Update: This will be the best Hanukkah ever. It began just as the Carolina Panthers and New York Giants were battling for NFL home field supremacy, and it will be ending just as the Denver Broncos and San Diego Chargers battle for the AFC West crown and officially end the regular season. A holiday that begins and ends with NFL Football…I thank God and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

As the Hebrews get ready to celebrate the festival of lights, I shall use the next 8 days to either expand or drive away my audience, depending on any number of factors.

Both spellings of the holiday have 8 letters, so if you add a C, you subtract a K. It is Chanukah or Hanukkah.

First, let’s dispel some myths. People like to pass on beautiful stories of miracles. People hear that the Jewish fighters only had enough oil for one day, and miracle of miracles, the oil magically lasted for 8 days. For those of you with small children, have them leave the room so some hard truths can be discussed.

Santa Claus is not real, Palestinians are an invented fictional people, the secret formula for Coca Cola is (redacted), and the person who shot JFK was (redacted). Oh, and this oil lasting for 8 days is a bunch of mularkey.

So what is Hanukkah? Folks, Hanukkah is my favorite holiday because it is the Jewish version of July 4th. It is a Neocon’s fantasy. As a Neocon, I never get tired of the true story of Hanukkah. We fought some Greeks in battle, and b*tchslapped them. That’s it. People think of the Jewish people as constantly suffering and weak. Actually, our history has been our military strength. I have nothing against the Greek people of today, but back then they were the bad guys. They destroyed the first Holy Temple, but we took care of them. Gorgias? Get out of here! Nicanor? Knock it off!

We royally smacked them around, and they have not been a power since. We are still here. For those that are troubled by this…deal with it.

Yet the actual celebration of Hanukkah is a tad bittersweet for those that are educated about this holiday. We as Jews won the battle but lost the war.

What I mean by this is that there was a major difference between how the Jews and the Greeks celebrated their holidays. Greeks celebrated holidays created in the wake of their military victories, which were many. Jewish tradition was to not name holidays after military successes. We did not glorify blood triumphs.

The Greeks wanted Jews to assimilate, or they would kill us. Thankfully we never had to face that threat again. Just kidding. Jews were fighting for the right to remain independently Jewish, without forced assimilation into Greek culture. So after Judah Maccabbee and his brothers helped the people of Israel crush the Greeks in battle, the first thing they did was hoist a flag of victory and declare this military victory a Jewish holiday. So after fighting for the right to prevent assimilation, we adopted a Greek tradition we were against. To this day, some would argue that what Hitler failed to do to the Jews, we do to ourselves through a 52% intermarriage rate.

Cynical people would say that we broke the war rule because we were so used to losing that even we were shocked to have won, and were concerned we may never win anything again. These people can (x-rated, redacted) themselves. Others say that we needed to adopt different traditions to give us flexibility in the future so that we would face less internal conflict when Jewish teenagers needed a historical justification for skirt-hiking and balling Roman Catholic teenage girls. Actually, only I say that, but I am right.

The bottom line is Hanukkah, while my favorite holiday, is the least important holiday in the Jewish calendar. It is an excuse to party for 8 days, or 14 days if you count pre and post Hanukkah parties. The only reason Hanukkah gets any attention is because it occurs around the same time as Christmas.

2008 Update: As of this writing I will either travel to Florida to see the parents, Chicago to see the Chicago Cannonball, Lancaster, CA to see a friend I grew up with, or stay at home in Los Angeles. In past years I would have done all 4 over 8 days, but this year will be less hectic. I just realized that only I care about this update, which is becoming a desperate attempt to add new material. Back to the story of Hanukkah.

Briefly returning to the Neocon aspect of this holiday, the true lesson of Hanukkah is a political one that the 70-80% of Jews that like to sing Kumbaya with those that hate our guts would do well to heed. The lesson of Hanukkah is simple. Force works. There is no dialogue or negotiation with those that refuse to recognize your right to exist. Survival is not pretty. It often involves spilling large amount of blood. When your enemy is on their knees with their face bleeding, negotiation is possible.

2008 Update: The Jewish community still needs cranial-glutial extraction surgery, with the 20-30% of right of center Jews getting a sensibility exemption.

The other lesson that comes from the Jews during this time is the idea of mercy. We did not rape the Greek women, chop heads and limbs off, enslave their people, or indiscriminately engage in deliberate cruelty. We defended ourselves. In keeping with the values that unite Jews and Americans to this day, both remain a people that use their power for noble and good purposes. America through its economic and military power, and American Jews through their sense of justice, help feed, clothe, protect, and defend others all around the word, many of whom are neither Jewish nor American.

Hanukkah is a celebration of serious life saving accomplishments, but it is also a lighthearted holiday filled with food, alcohol, and candle lighting ceremonies around the world. Life for the Hebrew people has had much darkness, but for the next 8 nights there is only light.

2008 Update: The candles may come in handy. I had a power failure a few days ago, and for a few brief hours my life was like the 13th century. I had to walk 2 blocks in under 60 degree weather to the local hotel to watch Monday Night Football and eat dinner. The Indianapolis Colts beat the Jacksonville Jaguars, nad eternal darkness in my home did not prevent me from reaching the promised land, a tv showing the game. I am more concerned they did not delay the start of the game until my tv came back on.

So as I light candles and hope that a certain young Hebrew brunette will show up at my door wearing a blue and white Hanukkah bow…and only a Hanukkah bow (negotiations are ongoing)…I look forward to the next 8 nights.

2008 Update: The Chicago Cannonball remains my woman, and she is a brunette. Other Jewish brunettes need not apply, even republican ones. Actually, feel free to apply. It will not change things. The Cannonball is a good woman, and that is the best Hanukkah wish a guy could ask for.Of course, the Oakland Raiders beating the Houston Texans is nice as well.

Happy Hanukkah everybody! Shalom!

eric