Today is 9/11/11. May God bless all those affected.
In honor of the heroes of United 93, I wrote the song “Permanent Flame.”
eric
Archive for the ‘MUSIC’ Category
9/11/11–Tribute to our heroes: Permanent Flame
Sunday, September 11th, 2011Random Radio Friday
Friday, August 26th, 2011In the 1980s, sitcom WKRP in Cincinnati began each episode with an unidentified hand flipping through the radio stations. One news station calmly stated that “the senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WKRP
To avoid the problem of radio static, it is best to get rentals with Sirius XM Satellite Radio. Fox News and NFL Network can get me through the longest of drives and traffic jams. Otherwise, at any moment on the AM dial, Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity can turn into any program of any kind in any language, eventually fading into that inevitable radio static.
Several days ago on an over four hour drive from Troy, Michigan, to Chicago, the stations melded into each other. It was late at night, so this transcription may not be entirely accurate. This is a fancy way of saying it is mostly wrong. Yet the following is what I clearly heard, unless I did not hear it at all.
(Politics) “President Obama keeps giving speeches and the problems keep getting worse. People are not seeing results. All they hear from politicians are unfulfilled promises. President Obama needs to be…
(Cooking) …stuffed with giblet gravy. For a thicker brown sauce, go with that rather than country gravy. Make sure to stir it frequently. Nothing lays it on a turkey real thick like…
(Politics) President Obama…He said we needed to take a scalpel to the budget and not a machete. He keeps scratching at the surface but does not get to the underlying cost drivers that are killing this economy. He scratches around the edges. I think President Obama…
(Pet care) has fleas. Pets are not immune from fleas and ticks in the winter. Simple dog collars are not often enough of a solution and medical remedies from veterinarians can be very expensive. Sometimes the only way to afford adequate medical care for canines and kittens is to…
(Financial) Sell China. The country as a whole is overvalued right now. The Yuan has been pegged to the dollar, and the fact is the Chinese government needs to stop manipulating their currency. If the Yuan were to reach its true value, it would be worth…
(Sports)…a third round draft pick. Also, with Peyton Manning out while recovering from neck surgery, President Bill Polian has brought Kerry Collins out of retirement and to the Indianapolis Colts. Collins has had a great career and thrown for over 40,000 yards, but at this point he is older than…
(Politics) Nancy Pelosi…she still does not get the message. The election of 2010 was crystal clear. The American people voted for…
(Cooking) Basted breast meat with thick country gravy. The stuffing is added to create an extra layer to the meal. Make sure to clean the turkey beforehand thoroughly so that you don’t taste the aftereffects of a…
(Pet care) Fine coat of hair. By using a softer roller rather than a hard brush, your dog will look happier, and not be howling in pain. You want your dog sitting next to you, not fleeing like…
(International News) Moammar Khadafi…He has vowed to fight to the death, but the rebels have even reached his Tripoli compound. With Khadafi on the ropes and in hiding, his only hope is that people will think he is…
(Music) Carlos Santana. His big hit “Smooth” goes down like…
(International News) death to the Zionist entity. Hezbollah and Hamas will ensure that Little Satan Israel shall be eliminated and replaced with…
(Cooking) a healthy heaping of scallions and a touch of cilantro for garnish. Paprika adds some coloring and voila…a delicious…
(Politics) Satan sandwich…the budget deal was a disaster. The cuts may never materialize and unrealistic growth assumptions are used. The CBO took one look at it and scored…
(International News) more cocaine than has been seen in some time. The DEA is calling this the biggest attempted heist since…
(Politics) Al Gore tried to use selective recounts to try and take the 2000 election. Now Mr. Gore has been caught on tape screaming and cursing while apparently intoxicated. Mr. Gore has had a troubled couple of years, with his divorce after four decades of marriage and accusations by a masseuse that he was a crazed sex poodle. On each of these occasions, the former Vice President and Tennessee
(WKRP in Cincinnati) Senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity.”
That concludes the news for today. After 600 miles round trip and nine hours of driving in one day, Michigan is in the rear view mirror and the arrival back to Chicago was complete.
Random Radio Friday is now powered down, but the static still remains due to voices in my head. Channel BIZR (bizarre) keeps running the same feedback loop…viagra…mortgage refinancing…auto insurance…dear lord, please get me Sirius XM in my next rental car.
eric
Warrant Saturday: Farewell Jani Lane
Saturday, August 13th, 2011Today was going to be a jovial day where I shared the best of life. Yet sometimes events overtake everything else, and it is with deep sadness that today finds me in mourning.
One of my favorite rock bands of all time was Warrant. The 1980s featured many “glam rock” bands, and Warrant was one of the best. Sadly, at age 47, Warrant lead singer Jani Lane has died. Initial reports are that his death was alcohol related.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/13/arts/music/jani-lane-warrants-lead-singer-dies-at-47.html
While this story of rockers dying young happens far too frequently, Jani Lane’s music really meant something to me. I grew up in the 1980s, and loved all of those bands.
I even struck up a friendship with a guy named Howard who worked at the local record store back in the early 1990s on Ventura Blvd in Los Angeles. I lost touch with Howard years ago, but he and Jani were very close. My condolences on the loss of your friend, Howard.
Jani was also a huge fan of the National Football League, and remained forever loyal to his beloved Cleveland Browns. In one of his albums he thanked “Browns fans everywhere.”
I met Jani Lane back in 1993. I was working at a gift store making $5 an hour. I was 21 years old when he walked in, at the peak of his fame. He was a really nice guy and I was star struck. I thought he was the biggest rocker in the world. I told him I had wanted to meet him since I was 19.
I was supposed to go see the “Blood, Sweat and Beers” tour with Warrant, Trixter, and Firehouse. I had the ticket, but did not even own a car back then. My ride flaked, and I missed the concert.
Warrant was about big hair, high falsetto, and lust fueled videos. Yet Jani Lane knew what he was. He never made himself out to be a revolutionary force in music. He was just the lead singer and partier in a great party band. He often referred to the lead guitarist as, “my favorite slut on guitar, Erik Turner.”
The one thing about Warrant was that some of their songs were great stories. Jani Lane said his grandfather was a great storyteller, and Jani could tell a story in song.
“I saw red” was a passionate ballad about a man who walks in on his woman and finds her with another man.
“I saw red when I opened up the door…
I saw red, my heart just spilled on to the floor…
I didn’t need to see his face…
I saw yours…I saw red and then I closed the door…
I don’t think I’m going to love you any more.”
His best hit in my opinion was a tale of rape and murder in a small town called “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” A young boy and his uncle see a corrupt sheriff commit the deed. The boy wants to fight for justice but the uncle says keep quiet.
“Oh my God Tom, who are we gonna tell…
The sheriff he belongs in a prison cell…
Keep your mouth shut that’s what we’re gonna do…
Unless you wanna wind up in the wishing well too…
I know a secret down in Uncle Tom’s cabin…
I know a secret that I just can’t tell…
I know a secret down in Uncle Tom’s cabin…
I know who put the bodies in the wishing well.”
In the end of a brilliant music video, the Uncle decides to fight for justice, and the sheriff kills him in a firefight. The bad guy wins. The young boy escaped and lives, haunted with the truth he cannot tell to anybody.
Jani Lane had a dark side in his writing in his later years as the glam rock era faded and tastes changed. A song called “Ultraphobic” was a tale of unrequited love.
“All the kings horses and all the kings men…
Could not put my heart back together again…
Smashed into pieces and cast to the wind…
I’ll have to start all over…all over again…
Been shot down…broken in pieces…all over the ground…
Been shot down…totally speechless…can’t make a sound.”
Yet the heart of Warrant will always be that of a sex crazed party band.
In concert they were introduced as “the horniest band in the world.”
The official “Warrant hello sign” was Jani Lane taking two fingers and putting them in a letter “V” arond his mouth with his tongue hanging out to symbolize a man putting his mouth on a woman’s (redacted).
“V-action” was slang I used for that activity, and it was inspired by Jani Lane.
The first album “Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich” was fun, but their second album “Cherry Pie” was even better. The lead track was about a man having sex with a woman when her father walks in on them.
“In walked her daddy standing 6 ft 4…
Singing ‘ain’t gonna swing with my daughter no more…’
She’s my cherry pie…
Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise…
Tastes so good, makes a grown man cry…
Sweet cherry pie.”
Jani Lane was twice divorced, and his first wife was the model in the “Cherry Pie” video.
Warrant’s third album did not have commercial success, but the first single off the “Dog Eat Dog” album was “Machine Gun,” and it was quite good.
“Well, my heart is pounding like a big bass drum…
Excited at the thought I might get me some…
Licking off my fingers, squeezing off my tongue…
Love you little baby like a m-m-m-machine gun.”
Jani Lane had a sense of humor. When Al Gore’s ex-wife Tipper led a campaign against explicit lyrics in music, Jani added a one minute track on one of his albums entitled “Ode to Tipper Gore.” It just featured him cursing with an occasional phrase he used to scream in his concerts.
“All right, I want all of you to scream the hair off of your nuts!”
Like I said, when I was 19 I thought he was the coolest guy on the planet.
20 years later I am just sad that a man who brought me so much joy has left us all far too soon.
Farewell Jani Lane. You will be missed.
eric
Barack Obama and Susan Boyle–Together Again
Tuesday, July 26th, 2011Once again, Barack Obama needs to channel his inner Susan Boyle to keep people awake.
eric
The Restoring Cowardice Rally
Monday, July 18th, 2011Time for another anti-Glenn Beck Rally by Jon Stewart.
eric
The NOW/Anthony Weiner 2011 Summer Trouserthon
Sunday, June 12th, 2011Every man in America who has ever taken a picture of his own (redacted) should mail the pics to the National Organization for Women. They love that stuff. If it bothered them, they would comment about Anthony Weiner. Come on guys, give the NOW what they want.
If women can do a Slutwalk March, then let’s declare June 19th the first annual 2011 Male Summer Trouserthon.
All men are ordered to drop trou in front of NOW members until they criticize Anthony Weiner. All other women not in the NOW should be treated with respect.
Those unwilling to drop trou should send the NOW discount coupons for hot dogs. All hail Trouserthon 2011!
This will be an all day event on Sunday, June 19th, 2011. There will be fun for the entire family, unless the family consists of NOW members. After all, they do not know how to have fun.
The official mascot of the event Trouserthon 2011 will be the NOW Ostrich. Every time we show a picture of a liberal behaving badly, the mascot will run around aimlessly and then stick his head in the sand.
There will be comedians performing at Trouserthon as well.
“The problem with women is their standards. They have them. So my hope is that 90% of men act worse so I can be one of the best with less effort…yet they should not act so badly that women give up on all of us. it is hard work maintaining such a delicate balance.”
“Maybe Anthony Weiner was smart to take pics. I have been trying to prove for years that I fathered Elizabeth Hurley’s baby and nobody believes me. I wish I had the proof. Would I pay child support for 18 years just for bragging rights? Ummm, yeah.”
“The real Anthony Weiner scandal is that despite destroying his family in a sex scandal, he did not actually get to have sex with anyone. Even Deuce Bigalow had sex with one of them! 100 years from now teenage boys will learn about Weiner and feel better about themselves. Somebody stamp a scarlet L on this loser’s forehead.”
In an attempt to appeal to the sensitive sissy beta males, there will even be poetry readings. However, it will still be alpha male poetry.
“As I kissed her lips sweet as molasses, she wiggled her hips and broke my glasses.”
The official movie of Trouserthon 2011 will be “Old School.” A costume contest will give prizes to those most resembling Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, and Luke “The Godfather” Wilson. For those who want to play in the Jello wrestling ring, one must either be young, nubile, and female, or resemble Joseph “Blue” Pulaski as seen in the movie.
There will be musical interludes.
To quote Humpty Hump of Digital Underground, “I don’t go nowhere without my jim hat. Cause if I’m rapping as if she’s clapping then I’m strapping cause I’m smarter than that.”
The Divinyls offer wisdom by crooning, “I don’t want anybody else, cause when I think about you I touch myself.”
I personally don’t like to touch myself because I don’t know where I’ve been, but Anthony Weiner does not have that problem.
So for those of you who grew up (or never did) in the 80s, break out your jams. Mine have red, yellow, blue, and black fishies on them. Hey, fishies are more manly than duckies.
There will be waterslides.
There will be plenty of food. Naturally there will be Weiner on a stick among other yummy noshables.
Think of this as a combination of a carnival, a circus, and a bazaar, not to be confused with a bizarre. That would be Anthony Weiner.
There will also be parlor games similar to what one would find at Six Flags. One can throw beanbags at bottles with pictures of Congressman Weiner, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dominique Strauss-Khan, Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton, and Ted Kennedy on them.
Only men that the NOW gives a free pass to will be featured. Those actually criticized for their misdeeds will be spared.
After clips of “Old School” are played on the big screen, there will be a drinking contest in honor of “Frank the Tank.” The winner gets a Matchbox car shaped like the Ted Kennedy mobile that drove off the Chappaquiddick Bridge as the NOW stayed silent. It will even have an action figurine shaped like the late Senator Kennedy. Naturally, the figurine will be pantsless.
Get ready guys. The NOW/Trouserthon 2011 is seven days away.
Let’s party until there are consequences, which according to the NOW and Congressman Anthony Weiner is never.
eric
The Anthony Weiner Song–By John De(n)ver
Saturday, June 11th, 2011There is now an Anthony Weiner song. In a fun irony, the reader who sent me his song is a man named John Dever. I thought he said John Denver, but he is missing an n. However, the tune is to “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” by John Denver. So John Denver is sung by John Dever.
Before getting to the song, here are some more of my spur of the moment remarks on the greatest scandal since Eliot Spitzer.
“No Congressman Weiner, you cannot be a TSA agent. You don’t understand sir, they give the pat-downs. They don’t receive them. No sir, you cannot work the body scan machine. I have seen your scan. Sir, please just get on of the plane. Sir, stop saying the word cockpit and just sit down. Why are you flying from JFK to Laguardia and back all day anyway?”
“Dear lord, as I lay myself to sleep, I thank you for Anthony Weiner. Love, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Dominique Strauss-Khan.”
“Dear all powerful merciful Allah. Mohammed, peace be upon him, requests that the evil infidel donkey Zionist aggressor Anthony Weiner stay in the news forever so we may continue shooting our citizens in your name…Love, Moammar Khadafi and Bashar Assad. Oh, and death to Great and Little Satan, pornographic purveyor of congressional lewdness that we never look at or engage in…honest…really…well not often.”
For those who think Weiner is the only guy worthy of John Denver music lampooning, in college I actually came up with something that never really went anywhere.
“Got no time for working on the farm…
Got no time for that easy country charm…
Got money from Reagan, I’m gonna buy some arms…
Thank God I’m a Contra Rebel.”
Shockingly enough that went nowhere.
As for this current song, Mr. Dever sent me some good stuff. I did not change a single word, but I added stuff. So with every single verse, the first 2 lines are his and the last 2 lines are mine. Since the 4th line in each verse is exactly the same, let’s just say he contributed 2 lines, and I contributed 1 + the title.
With that, here is the Anthony Weiner Song by John Dever with my additions.
“I admit, I wasn’t being frank
When I said that is was just a prank
To all I suckered I’d like to thank…
Thank God I’m a Congressman
No, my account wasn’t hacked
It’s common sense and judgment that I lacked
I’m a liberal guy, this is how we act…
Thank God I’m a Congressman
Yes, the pictures are all mine
Just some harmless fun I have online
While squealing like a slippery greasy swine…
Thank God I’m a Congressman
It’s the press that isn’t being fair
I like to tweet me in my underwear
Forget about secrecy, I like to share…
Thank God I’m a Congressman
My online women there are 6
They like it when I send my racy pics
New meaning to country and the Dixie Chicks…
Thank God I’m a Congressman
Forever it will be my fate
To always be known for Weiner gate
I have ego for lunch and I lick the plate…
Thank God I’m a Congressman
Just a man trying to get his groove on
Now I’m feeling like a real moron
At least I’m loved by Joan Walsh at Salon…
Thank God I’m a Congressman
Now I’m feeling so much cleaner
Since I told the world it was my weiner
Here’s a pic of me with the vacuum cleaner…
Thank God I’m a Congressman
No, I’m not going to resign
And the ladies say my body’s fine
Weiner for Pres in 2029!
Thank God I’m a Congressman!”
John Denver is rolling over in his grave right now. John Dever hopefully has all of you rolling in your chairs.
Anyway, perhaps I should ease up on Congressman Weiner.
Just kidding. Now that you have the song, in the coming days will be the first annual Trouserthon and the Anthony Weiner movie casting.
eric
How to make the Anthony Weiner ethics hearings more interesting
Friday, June 10th, 2011At the Washington Times Communities, I discuss ways to make any Anthony Weiner ethics hearings more interesting.
eric
Kurt Cobain’s Presidential Predictions
Saturday, June 4th, 2011For those trying to handicap presidential elections, quit wasting time. The next few elections are already decided.
From now on I am turning to Kurt Cobain for my election analysis. He cannot be any farther off than those making predictions today.
The Nirvana singer has been dead since 1994, but subliminal messages in his biggest hit song predicted the 2008 election. Using the hidden codes in his music will unlock the key to American leadership for the next two decades.
The next president after Barack Obama will either be Mitt Romney or Tim Pawlenty.
After that we will have an actor as President. The tradition of Ronald Reagan will continue. This time it will be Jeff Goldblum. He starred in “The Fly.”
After President Goldblum we will go from another guy who could be nicknamed “the fly,” but for much more dubious reasons. If John Edwards is unable to serve because he is in prison, then all signs point toward the repeal of the 22nd Amendment and Bill Clinton serving a third term. I am not happy about this, but the history has already been written.
I personally never cared for the music of Nirvana, but now that they are political prognosticators I may rethink them. Most likely I will not.
I cannot believe it was right in front of our faces and all of America missed it.
Obama…Romney/Pawlenty…Goldblum…Clinton/Edwards.
A mulatto…an albino…a mosquito…my libidio.
These lyrics were once thought to be nonsensical gibberish. Now they are the future.
The only other way to read this is to take the Weird Al Yankovic spoof of the song. He gave us “Smells like Nirvana.”
A garage band…from Seattle…well it sure beats…raising cattle.
This means that the next president will be Thaddeus McCotter, who plays in a band called the “Second Amendments.” After that will be Baghdad Jim McDermott. The backlash from his leadership will be so severe that Americans will swing to the right and elect the current outgoing Kentucky Agriculture Secretary Richie Farmer. An Agriculture Secretary named Farmer is pretty cool. The current Treasury Secretary could be named “Wastrel.”
Now that the future is decided, pundits can relax until it is time to debate election 2032 or 2040, whichever comes first (let it go).
Then again, maybe “Smells like teen spirit” is not a prediction of the future or even a lament of Code Pink protesters or Ron Paul supporters at CPAC. A further analysis of the song may render all of this moot.
“It’s so hard, so hard to find…oh well, whatever…never mind.”
Grunge and punditry…never mind.
eric
Barack Obama, Meet Susan Boyle
Wednesday, December 29th, 2010For those who did not know I have a Susan Boyle swimsuit pinup calendar, now you do.
Yet as a combination of her sexiness and cabin fever from this hotel room and the cold outside finally gets to me, I stave off dementia by doing what any alpha male would do in this situation.
I sing show tunes out loud to myself.
(No, not really. I would kick my own @ss if I did, and would deserve it.)
I shall let Susan Boyle dream her dream in her own voice first.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk
I think of Barack Obama feeling the same loneliness, wondering how such a promising start went so wrong.
So as we prepare to shove 2010 under the bus where Barack Obama keeps those no longer useful to him, I wonder how beautiful it would be if Barack Obama would officially whine and complain one last time by lamenting his fate to the beautiful soothing sounds of the Boyle Goddess.
Think of it as the new version of Boyle’s Law, which even Barack Obama and phony climate change hucksters admit is settled science. Combine the ultimate in substance with Ms. Boyle and add in a heaping dose of shallow words lacking any substance to balance it out with Barack Obama.
I now present my final show tune of 2011, Barack Obama singing Susan Boyle and “I Dreamed a Dream.”
I dreamed the Dream Act wouldn’t die…
Amnesty for all of us here living…
I knew my health care plan was lies…
I dreamed God and voters would be forgiving.
I smoked and Californians toked…
The new dream to be broke and wasted…
Republican ransoms to be paid…
No taxes raised, liberals chastened.
The angry calls come at night…
A yelling voice of thunder…
Hillary hopes I fall apart…
So in 2012 my dreams she’ll plunder.
I dream Iran will come to me…
We will live our lives in peace together…
But there are dreams that cannot be…
My cap and trade can’t stop cold weather.
I had a dream my life would be…
So different from placating mad Michelle…
Can’t you all shut up, agree with me…
You’ re always wrong, I’m always right
Palin’s dumb, I am so bright
It’s not my fault, I’m just a man
Hope, change, change, hope
Hope, change, change, hope
Hope, change, change, hope
Yes we can…
Well maybe we can’t, I gave it my all
But if we can’t, it’s Bush’s fault…
At least those killed in war can ask and tell.
They got theirs.
Where is the dream I dreamed?
For those who dreamed a dream that this blog would come back tomorrow with my 2011 TYGRRRR EXPRESS State of the Blog Address, I look forward to making all of your dreams come true.
If I thoroughly disappoint you, then that just means I am less a Republican elephant and more like Dumbo the Elephant.
You know Dumbo…the singing Disney voice (and the girth, but enough about my 4am fantasies) of Susan Boyle, but the adorable ears of Barack Obama, used for everything except listening.
eric