THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

The only Southern state I had never been to was Arkansas. That finally changed, as today will be an Arkansas Saturday to remember. I will be at the state GOP convention in Little Rock, and then heading to the “Paint Arkansas Red Rally” in Hot Springs. I will be speaking in front of about 1200 people.

I am jut glad to be here. Every time I tried to get to Arkansas, something went wrong.

In late 2000 and early 2001, it looked like the two best football teams were the Oakland Raiders and the Tennessee Titans. They were on a collision course for the AFC Title Game. I had a ticket ready to fly to Nashville for the game, then drive to Memphis, and finally make it to Arkansas. I decided to put the ticket on 24 hour hold rather than buy it…just in case.

In a playoff shocker, the Baltimore Ravens stunned the Tennessee Titans. Instead of the South, I was headed to Oakland as the Raiders hosted the Ravens.

(What a waste of money….50 yard line, front row, and an @ss kicking.)

Two years later in 2002 the Titans and Raiders finally played in the AFC Title Game, but the game was in Oakland.

(The bad news was I was too scared to go. The good news is the Raiders won.)

I was still nowhere near Arkansas.

This 2010 trip to Arkansas was not easy. A simple flight from Los Angeles to Little Rock on Thursday, with a stopover in Las Vegas, seemed straightforward enough.

Awakened at 3:45am, I made my 6:15am flight from LA to Vegas. I could have gotten on my connecter and been in Little Rock by 2:30pm. That would have been the easy way. Apparently I never do anything the easy way. Oh well.

I was offered compensation to take a later flight, which would have gotten me into Little Rock by 9:30pm. A 7 hour delay is not thrilling, but the compensation was pleasant enough.

Of course the later flight was not a straight flight. I had to go from Las Vegas to San Antonio to Dallas to Little Rock. Two stops in Texas seemed insane, but airlines really are awful.

The trips to San Antonio and then Dallas were to be on the same plane, so at least that was convenient. How hard is it to stay on a plane, wait for the pilot to hit the head, and then continue on?

When we got to San Antonio the airline for reasons that nobody including the pilots understood decided to do a “plane swap.” To make things even more delightful, the connecter to Dallas was delayed 90 minutes. My inability to turn back time like Cher meant that I was not going to get to Little Rock.

I had the choice of staying in a hotel in San Antonio or Dallas. Since there were no direct flights from San Antonio to Little Rock, and everything went through Dallas anyway, staying in San Antonio made no sense.

They put me up in a nice hotel with a pool that closed at 10pm. On a day that started at 3:45am, getting in that pool at 9:45pm never felt so good. After 18 hours of partial hades, 15 minutes of heaven was all I needed to be relaxed again.

I was supposed to be a Friday 8am guest of Arkansas radio personality Dick Antoine. Being in Dallas made it tough to walk to the Arkansas studio. Thankfully I was able to call in and do the interview by phone.

At 12:45pm I took the one hour flight to Little Rock, and got there only 34 hours after my journey began.

I would have been enraged had the delays caused me to miss events, but the originald ecision tod elayw as mine, and I did not need to be there until today.

Some will wonder why it was so important to get to Arkansas.

It is important for the same reason I head to Nebraska next week. It is the same reason I go to places many others never see.

I am going to Arkansas for the same reason the guy climbs the mountain.

I am going to Arkansas because it is there.

People live there. There is something about each state that makes it different from the other 49.

This country is so amazing, and every state has beauty that cannot be described by merely reading a book or watching a television.

America is not coasts and flyover country. It is not podunkville. It is people.

No two people are alike. Arkansas gave us Bill Clinton, but it also gave us Mike Huckabee.

As for me, I am excited to have now been to every Southern State. At some point all 50 states will have welcomed me into their area.

For now, it is time to enjoy Arkansas Saturday.

eric

So much for Highbrow Friday. Today is Low-Medium-Brow Saturday, with me being generous toward myself regarding the medium.

The Miami Shark and I are enjoying a patriotic weekend. So as America turns 234, I revert to being 18, which was in 1990.

20 years ago while in college I wrote down some thoughts. Most of them were mine, but some were said by others. While doing some long overdue cleaning, I found the piece of paper with the quotes.

God help decent society, but now I realize that the screws loose in my head began coming undone many moons ago.

With that, here are some great quotes of mine from college.

1) To truly enjoy the pleasures of the flesh…one must have…flesh.

2) He who hesitates…

3) Please always remember and don’t ever forget…

4) Don’t do dope while you’re stoned.

5) I want one type of woman…a deaf mute.

7) Vidi Vici Veni

10) With the exceptions of sex, money, and power, I don’t believe in transient goods.

11) It’s not easy being the white knight in a black world.

18) If losing your virginity was as easy as losing your soul, life would be f*cking good.

19) I proceeded to penetrate the deep dark chasm of her cranial cavity.

20) Not all children are adopted. Some people did it after they were married. Gross.

22) Those 3 little words that get guys off the hook…I don’t know.

24 1/2) They shouldn’t call it afterglow. Nobody glows after. They smell funny and their hair is messed up.

26) My conscience is clean. I never use it.

28) Classical music would be easier to understand if it came with the Looney Tunes words in parentheses.

30) When in doubt…Make up your mind.

32) Each time after I go to bed and before I wake up…I sleep.

33) Always be exact in math. Astronauts die because of approximations.

35) Balloons are like virgins. Once you pop them, they’re gone for good.

36) The grass is always greener on the side that gets watered the most.

Other people had other things to say.

6) You can’t live with ’em…pass the beer nuts. (George Wendt as Norm Peterson on Cheers)

12) Boxing is like ballet except there is no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. (Deep thoughts by Jack Handy on Saturday Night Live)

13) I once got arrested for scalping low numbers at a deli. (Steven Wright)

17) Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. (Unknown)

23) Mom, I’ve been in my room for hours, and now you want me to look at it? (Bill Cosby, Himself)

27) Ho! Haha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! (Daffy Duck as Robin Hood dealing with Porky Pig as Friar Tuck. Then Daffy’s beak would fly up)

29) I reminisce with people I don’t know. It takes longer. (Steven Wright)

31) Platonic relationship–He wants to play, she wants to keep it tonic. (Unknown)

34) I’ve seen the handwriting on the wall…and it’s illegible. (Unknown)

The others are not worth repeating. I have done enough damage to society.

Somehow, despite me, America has soldiered on. Well done USA. Happy 234.

eric

Gary Coleman left us far too soon, dying yesterday of a brain aneurysm at age 42.

It all seems so arbitrary. Bret Michaels suffers a brain ailment and survives (thank God). Gary Coleman has one and does not.

I am genuinely saddened by this death. While I grew up watching “Different Strokes,” and did like it when Arnold Jackson said, “What chu talkin bout Willis,” my bond was with Gary Coleman, not his character.

As silly as this sounds, I admired him and Emmanuel Lewis of “Webster” fame for succeeding despite being very short. I was always one of the shortest kids in school, and it bothered me. Many women rejected in me in my younger years because of my height.

(Then I began making money, and shockingly enough they showed much more interest. They also stopped wearing underwear. It is funny how that works, but that is for another time.)

When I saw Gary Coleman succeeding in life despite his physical limitations, it inspired me. I always rooted for him.

Although television is not real life, Conrad Bain always seemed like a good guy. He played Mr. Drummond, and he seemed to have a genuine affection for all three child stars. He is now 87 years old, and two of his “children” have pre-deceased him. Mr. Coleman is gone at age 42, and Kimberly character Dana Plato died tragically at age 37. Ms. Plato’s son also died, a suicide at age 25. Todd Bridges went from Willis Jackson to a life of cocaine induced hell that included twice being charged with serious crimes involving death. He was acquitted on murder charges, and charges were dropped in another incident when the police accepted his explanation of self defense. He seems to have turned his life around.

Mr. Coleman had legal troubles of his own, but they were minor in comparison to that of Ms. Plato and Mr. Bridges. His issues were health related. His body was simply built with too many defects. It was not drugs or alcohol, but a bad body from birth that just rebelled one too many times.

Many people do not remember this, but in 2002 he was one of the many people running for governor of California during the recall election. As crazy as this sounds, he came across as very sensible. Given the state of California today, I doubt he could have done worse. He laughed on the campaign trail, admitting that he was not a serious candidate but enjoying having fun with it. Again, I was surprised at how logical some of his proposals seemed.

I hope that in heaven, the shortest star on television in the 1980s stands tall with his creator. I hope he ends up head and shoulders above the rest with happiness and health.

On Earth, I wish his family well.

What chu talkin bout Willis! Say it aint so!

Sadly, it is.

Goodbye Mr. Coleman. You left us way too soon.

eric

I have been trying to find the words to express on this Mother’s Day.

When I see my sentiments echoed by somebody else in a much better manner than I possibly could, I let that person take over.

I offer the words of Cinderella. Not the children’s storybook character…the 1980s hard rock band.

Lead Singer Tom Kiefer and the rest of the lads have put out many great hard rock songs and many beautiful love and power ballads, but on this day, one song shines through.

This Mother’s Day song came out in 1995.

It is off the “Still Climbing” album. It is called “Hard to find the words.”

Here is the audio clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hapdh3doHZk

http://popup.lala.com/popup/432627056448402208

With that, here are the sentiments of Cinderella.

“Mama sometimes I feel inside
There’s nothing I can say
Nothing I can do
Could ever match the love you gave

You taught me how to live
Told me walk before you run
And you were always there to pick me up
Every time I’d have a fall

And mama I know there’s been times
When I didn’t always understand
By and by we do some growing up
And it makes just a little more sense

But sometimes it’s hard to find the words
But I’ll do the best that I can
Thank you for the love mama
It’s what made this boy a man

I know the road’s been long
And I know you’ve seen some rain
Making the best of what we had
I never heard you complain

When I look in the mirror today
Wondering could I be as strong
Could I give as much to someone else
As you gave to your son

And mama I know there’s been times
When we didn’t see eye to eye
By and by we do some growing up
And we understand the reasons why

But sometimes it’s hard to find the words
But I’ll do the best I can
Thank you for the love mama
It’s what made this boy a man

Many years have gone by
And I’ve been living them the best I can

And mama I know there’s been times
When I didn’t always understand
By and by we do some growing up
And it makes just a little more sense

But sometimes it’s hard to find the words
But I’ll do the best I can
Thank you for the love mama
It’s what made this boy a man.”

I cannot offer anything else that would surpass this.

I love you mom. You are the best mom a guy could ask for.

eric

On this Saturday, the Tygrrrr Express is Texas Bound and Flying.

The late Jerry Reed, aka the Snowman from the greatest trilogy of all time, Smokey and the Bandit, offered us “Eastbound and Down” in the first movie. Smokey and the Bandit II gave us the song that is the title of this column.

I am on a plane to Texas, and the bulk of the month of May will be spent there.

My columns for the next few weeks will be mostly pre-written.

So for those complaining that I am behind the times, I already told you I would be.

No, this will not be like Chevy Chase covering former Spanish dictator Francisco Franco, who is still dead.

I will not have updates on the death of President Gerald Ford.

When I say pre-written, I do not mean that far back.

Anyway, I have speaking engagements throughout Texas, some stops in Florida, and even a San Diego event as the undercard to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (swoon) sandwiched inbetween everything else.

Here is my schedule.

Sunday, May 9, 2010—I will be speaking at a private afternoon event in Houston. Please contact Rita Huggler for details.

Monday, May 10, 2010—I will be speaking to the Northwest Forest Republican Women’s Federated in Houston, Texas, at 11am lunch. Please contact Pauline Adams for details.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010—I will be speaking to the Cy Fair Republican Women’s Federated in Houston, Texas, at an 11am lunch. Please contact Rita Parrish for details.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010—I will be speaking to the Woodlands Republican Women’s Federated in Houston, Texas, at lunch. Please contact Jackie Waters for details. Tentative

Wednesday, May 12, 2010—I will be speaking to the Austin Republican Women’s Federated in Texas, at a dinner. Please contact Diane Fulton for details.

Thursday, May 13, 2010—I will be speaking to the Galveston Island Pachyderm Club in Texas, at lunch. Please contact Rubye Brown for details.

Thursday, May 13, 2010—I will be speaking to the Lake Houston Shores Republican Women’s Federated in Houston, Texas at 6:30pm. Please contact Alex Akeson for details.

Friday, May 14, 2010—I will be speaking at the California Eagle Forum State Convention in San Diego at an evening dinner as the undercard to Michele Bachmann. Please contact Woody Woodrum for details.

Sunday, May 16, 2010—I will be speaking to the Miami, Florida, 9/12 Project Tea Party Patriots at 3pm. Please contact Maria Wadsworth for details.

Monday, May 17, 2010—I will be speaking to the Republican Club of the Northern Palm Beaches, Florida in the evening. Please contact Linda Gore for details.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010—I will be speaking to the Boynton Beach Republican Club near Palm Beach, Florida at 11:30am. Please contact Carol Andrade for details.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010—I will be speaking to the Wynmoor Republican Club near Fort Lauderdale, Florida at 7pm. Please contact Sid Feldman for details.

Wednesday, May 19—I will be speaking to the Palm Beach Young Republicans at 7pm. Please contact Jackie Waters for details. Tentative.

Thursday, May 20, 2010—I will be speaking to the Lakeland Republican Women near Tampa, Florida at Lunch. Please contact Dena Stebbins DeCamp for details.

Thursday, May 20, 2010— I will be speaking to the Republican Network in Galveston, Texas at 6:30pm. LaBrisa Mexical Grill in League City. Please contact Roxann Lewis for details.

Friday, May 21, 2010—I will be speaking to the Angleton Republican Women’s Federated near Galveston, Texas, at lunch. Please contact Judy Shaefer for details.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010— I will be speaking to the Sandpiper Republican Women’s Federated in Galveston, Texas at lunch. Please contact Casey Farris for details.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010— I will be speaking to the North Shore Republican Women’s Federated in Willis, Texas near Houston, in the evening. Please contact Ann Kate for details.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010—I will be speaking to the Bay Area and Friendswood Republican Women’s Federated in Houston, Texas at a joint lunch. Please contact Ruby Cubley or Deborah Winters-Chaney for details.

Thursday, May 27, 2010—I will be speaking to the Salado Republican Women’s Federated in Austin, Texas in the evening. Please contact Borah Van Dormolen for details.

See you in June.

The Tygrrrr Express is now Texas Bound and Flying.

eric