Archive for the ‘WOMEN’ Category

Self-loathing Jew Anthony Weiner also loathes Jewish women

Wednesday, June 8th, 2011

We now know that apparently the Weiner dog does not like his kosher.

My column at the Washington Times reflects the new bile from Congressman Weiner attacking Jewish women.

http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/tygrrrr-express/2011/jun/8/self-loathing-jew-anthony-weiner-also-loathes-jewi/

To quote the New York Post, “Erections have consequences.”

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/editorials/erections_have_consequences_ey7THC6hJJnnudXPRG1riM?CMP

http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/forbidden-table-talk/2011/jun/7/weiner-scandal-more-sexual/

http://michellemalkin.com/2011/06/09/feckless-feminists-wimp-out-on-weinergate/

http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/138356/

The disgusting human being that was born into this world Anthony Weiner has actually managed to add a new layer to an already tawdry sex scandal.

My freshmen year some of us would drive to Mount Saint Mary’s for what we called a “taste of Catholicism.”

Unlike Congressman Weiner, I grew up.

I would let Congressman Weiner read my diary except I was too lazy to write one.

There is nothing better than a Friday night Sabbath service followed by taking a Hebrew hottie and bouncing her (redacted), tasting her (redacted), enjoying every ounce of her (redacted) until she (redacted) loud enough to have the fire department show up and turn on the hoses.

Congressman, how do you know that a Jewish woman won’t show up at your door on Hanukkah wearing only a strategically placed blue and white Hanukkah bow? Wouldn’t you want your own festival of lights? Have you ever thought of asking?

Jewish women, I have tried some of the rest. You really for me are the best.

eric

Dear Mom 2011

Sunday, May 8th, 2011

Dear Mom,

As you know today I am flying from South Carolina to Kentucky. Given that you live in neither of these places, it looks like we will not be having brunch. Plus, even if I was in Florida you know I like to sleep in anyway.

While much of the year is my reminding you that you hit the lottery by bringing me into this world, I have to admit that I and everybody else on this Earth who knows about you has benefited more from you.

This is not to deemphasize my spectacular achievements, but you are older than me and have had more time to develop a loyal following.

There are many things I want to say, but it is nobody else’s business. So I will call you today.

You are the best mom in the world. You let me raid the fridge and even let me drink the soda water that is for dad. I am terrible at replacing it but I do not know where you go shopping.

From visiting sick patients in the hospital on a regular basis to being charitable and kind toward everybody, people think I am fantastic when they think I do those things. Then I correct the record and say it is you doing them, not me. I still take credit for it since I come from a family who does wonderful things.

I pray for you and dad every night. I even tell God that if he has to choose between good health for you and dad, and giving me lots of money, power, and women, he should help you and dad first.

After all, even a wrathful angry God cannot find fault with a guy praying for his parents.

I know you pray for me as well, and that is why I am so blessed in this world.

I would tell you what is going on in sports today, but I doubt you care any more about that since I last saw you. Some teams scored more points than others, which is still what leads to them winning. Golf is an exception where the low score wins.

As a kid I wondered why there was no Son’s Day. Now as an adult I realize that Son’s Day was every day of your life.

I am the luckiest individual on this Earth outside of Dad.

Nothing makes me happier in this world than knowing what a great mom I have.

Don’t get me wrong, if it turns out you and Dad have a billion dollars stashed somewhere I would not mind retiring early and spending my remaining years pursuing various women. Then again I might be disappointed that both of you held out on me during my junior high school years when being rich would have really helped matters socially.

Anyway, the love you still give to me this day is endless, and so is your patience. I don’t know how you do it, but I am glad you do.

I love you Mom. Happy Mother’s Day from your darling son.

eric

Deep Southern Fried Religious Beauty

Sunday, March 27th, 2011

“Come in, come in, we’ll do the best we can…
Come in, come, bring your whole bloody clan…
Take it slow and easy, and I’ll shake you by the hand…
Sit you down, and treat you decent, I’m an Irishman.”

No, I have not officially lost my marbles. A 10 day barnstorming tour of the Deep South led to some awesome foods, interesting social interactions, and cultural experiences I will always cherish.

I was invited to speak in Alabama at the Birmingham Irish Cultural Society St. Patrick’s Day Dinner.

For those wondering, to the best of my knowledge I am 0% Irish. So I was as floored about the invite as anybody else. I am a Brooklyn born New York Jewish fella who was offered an olive branch by Irish Catholics in Alabama. I would like to thank Shana Kluck for setting it up.

I only spoke for about 5 minutes, and then got to observe traditions that were as foreign to me as they were enjoyable. There was the “Tapping of the Furcan,” where a sledgehammer is used to lightly tap the handle on the beer keg in place, making it official to drink from.

Yes, there was a whiskey tasting part of the evening, but I was not interested in perpetuating negative stereotypes. People in the room ate, drank, and were merry, but nobody was falling down drunk. There was no fighting. There were just good people having a great time.

I did not know what to say. It is one thing for a person to poke fun at his own culture, but as an outsider I was not going to make Irish jokes based on overplayed stereotypes. So instead I decided to poke fun at those who do not understand the Irish.

“I called my dad and asked him if I should make a joke about Haggis. He pointed out that Haggis was Scotland, and wanted to know how I could not know the difference between Ireland and Scotland. I reminded him that I went to a New York public school.”

One thing I was able to reinforce within myself was that the Irish and the Jews do share some common bonds. They came here for a better life, faced discrimination, and yet emphatically embraced the American Dream. Despite “Irish need not apply” signs, they helped build this country. Irish communities found the perfect balance between maintaining their heritage and loving their new nation.

The only exposure to Irish culture I had before this evening was watching a few episodes of “The Cavanaughs” a couple of decades ago. It was actually a good show, with Barnard Hughes as the lead character and Art Carney occasionally showing up as the older brother that Hughes referred to as “The Weasel.”

One of the band leaders playing Gaelic music told me he was actually Irish Jewish. There truly are Jews everywhere.

As for the Birmingham Irish Cultural Society, I cannot thank them enough for welcoming me into their hearts and extending a hand of friendship. Irish people are known for this warmth, and so are people from Alabama. The kindness was understandable.

Yet at some point it was time to leave corned beef and cabbage behind and get back to my traditions involving matzoh ball soup. March 17th was St. Patrick’s Day, but the Jews also have a holiday involving heavy doses of libations to the point of incoherence. We actually have two of these holidays, and March 19th was Purim.

My favorite Purim moment was when one of my inebriated friends  a decade ago yelled out “Who is that Amish guy and why is he wearing the Rabbi’s pants?”

This Purim had me in Bristol, Tennessee. By sheer coincidence, this was the week where over 100,000 NASCAR fans from across the country descended on Bristol for the race. For the fifth straight time, Kyle Busch won at Bristol.

The town does not have an official Rabbi, but Rabbinical student  Jason Levine comes from Cincinnati twice a month to provide Jewish life for the small but proud Jewish community in Northeastern Tennessee.

He explained to us why dinosaur meat was not kosher, but the main theme of his remarks was a special NASCAR Purim. He blended in the traditions of Judaism with the best traditions of stock car racing.

Afterwards the community played Jewish trivia and NASCAR trivia, and indulged in some March Madness college basketball games.

While Alabama and Tennessee alone would have been Dayenu (sufficient, a Passover reference coming up), Georgia added a whole new level of religious fun.

Ahavath Achim Synagogue in Atlanta had AAbsolut Shabbat. Perhaps an alcohol reference would be better had the initials of the temple not been AA, but everybody is a critic. It was a great service.

A rock band blasted out the Jewish tunes. Guitar solos had me thinking about how cool it would be if Aerosmith or Guns n Roses were Jewish.

(I looked years ago. They are not.)

I had never been to such an intense awesome service before. The band rocked on for close to two hours as passengers chimed in and people danced with passion.

Most Jewish services are followed by some wine and bread, or maybe coffee and cakes. This one had a taco bar. For those wondering how a taco bar fits in, I have no idea. All I know is that tacos are tasty. It was a great Sabbath.

From the Irish in Alabama to the NASCAR Jews in Tennessee to the Hard Rocking Jews in Georgia, Birmingham, Bristol, and Atlanta made for an exciting 10 days.

I hung out with a gay Democrat in Birmingham, encountered one woman who on a whim moved from Birmingham to Bogota, Columbia, and found people in Tennessee who like me love Pat Summitt and loathe Lane Kiffin.

Oh yeah, and the politics was great. The Republican Women’s Federated ladies are real conservative in these parts. I spoke to their state delegation in Alabama and a local Tennessee chapter. I also got to meet the Republican Jewish Coalition of Knoxville. Yes, they exist, and they are loud and proud.

Also, as we all know, Southern women are some of the hottest women in America. When a Southern woman bats her eyelashes, I end up doing things I would not normally do.

One woman who put the hot in Hotlanta suggested I try eating “Beaver Balls.”

There are so many remarks I could make, all of which would get me an angry phone call from my parents.

So all I can say is that I ate Beaver Balls, and the cliche is true. They tasted like chicken, and aren’t half bad with taters. I also enjoyed eating at the Garage Cafe and Sweet Lips Diner, despite neither of them serving Beaver Balls.

So between food, women, and cultural and religious experiences, there was some serious Deep Southern fried religious beauty on this trip.

A flight back to Los Angeles is temporary. The Deep South is too beautiful not to go back to. Maybe there is an Indian festival in Mississippi I could attend. If not, they should start one and give me the credit. If there is alcohol, it could be called  “Saki and Seikhs.” Given that they do not drink, perhaps this idea should stay on the shelf.

As for me, I know where I will be soon enough, after some stops in Florida, New York, Kentucky, and Ohio.

I’ll be flying down the highway headed West…in a streak of black lightning called the (bandit) Tygrrrr Express.

On to the next adventure.

eric

Love and Reflection on Valentine’s Day

Monday, February 14th, 2011

“It’s just an old-fashioned love song…playing on the radio…it’s just an old-fashioned love song…it’s the kind they made for you and me.”

Politics will wait another day as today is the annual celebration of love.

Over the last 39 years I have loved, lost, loved some more, and lost some more. I am at peace, with zero regrets. While I believe in and look forward to being a husband and father, I absolutely enjoy being able to do whatever I d@mn well please whenever I d@mn well please, which is always.

When I look back at loves past, I truly believe I am better off being married to none of them. A couple are married to other people. One became a lesbian.

Yet the one thing I take away from these women is how lucky I have been in terms of their humanity. Only two of them were truly bad people, and that was in college. I can honestly say that the rest of them meant well. Since graduating college, I have been fortunate enough to avoid dating a single malicious woman.

Three of them were crazy. They had varying forms and degrees of mental illness. My unwillingness to understand and empathize is something I have to live with. They wanted to be rational but they simply could not process information the way a mind should. This is unfair to them, but life is unfair. I am short while tall athletes make millions dunking basketballs.

A couple of them were shallow. There was more than a hint of snobbery.

A couple of them were liberal activists blinded by their causes.

A couple of them were whiners and low achievers. I was too ambitious for them.

Yet on this day of love, I am determined to say something positive about all of them. Their names have been redacted. Even their nicknames have been redacted.

1991–You were a tormented individual raised by a man who put you through hell. After years of being a mess, I read that you finally met someone and found the stability you desperately craved.

1992–You were one of the sweetest human beings on Earth. I was young and stupid. You were a kind, gentle soul, and you deserved much better. You married a good man and have a family, and you deserve every bit of happiness that I was too mature at age 19 to give you.

1993–You really had venom built up. I hope your turn to lesbianism allows you to find the happiness you never had when you were with men.

1994–You humanized me, and smoothed my rough edges. You stuck with me through some tough times. I even remember once when I was so busy studying that I forgot to eat. You snuck out to the cafeteria and brought me back a hamburger. You are a bright woman, and all of your success in marriage and your career is well earned.

1996–2000–Lots and lots of sex. I would have given it all up just for one real meaningful relationship. Just kidding. I got it out of my system, allowing me to enjoy monogamous relationships with ease. Ringing in the Millennium in Las Vegas with a bang was pleasant, but seeing a guy climb a telephone pole and get electrocuted was not cool. It happened before Midnight, so it was a 20th Century horror.

2001–You are a good person who after years of struggling, finally figured out what your illness was. This has allowed you to educate other people about it. Although there are things you cannot do, you never stop trying. That is commendable.

2002–I was 30 and you were 19. Yet you were mature for your age, and you saved my life. You heard me snoring in my sleep and told me I stopped breathing. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I had surgery to correct the problem. If it was not for you, I may not be alive today. Also, you were an incredibly nice and smart girl.

2002–You were 20 and we were just too different. I was attracted to you physically but we had nothing in common on any other level. I could have been more attentive, and am thrilled you met a nice guy and got married. You truly deserve that.

2003–After a string of young ones you at age 40 were 9 years older than me. You were a volatile woman, and too much for me to handle. Your nakedness was always appreciated, given your hotness.

2004–Ok, so the sex without commitment was not totally out of my system. 2004 helped.

2005–You were a sweet, gorgeous woman 9 years my senior. Your environmental activism bothered me to the point where I still want to run Prius drivers off the road. Yet you cared about me with an open heart, and I am thankful for that. Your enthusiasm for getting naked was always great. Also, I really did love that adorable dog of yours and missed him very much after we broke up. My friends all liked you, and said you were the best of the bunch. Outside pressures split us up, but I could have done much better telling those outside pressures to ind their own business. I did not put you first, and I should have.

2006–Did I say it was out my system? Perhaps not.

2007–You were a very smart woman. We totally disagreed on politics, but you were kind about it. You were so quiet that getting you to speak required pliers. Yet you had a really great heart, and the reason the breakup was so amicable was because you were so kind. Laying on the couch with you was a peaceful experience in my stressful world.

2008–Some of my best life memories were with you, and in some of them you had clothing on. Our trip to Israel will always stay with me. I wanted to stay friends and regret that you didn’t. Like me, you were married to your career. I hope one day you find balance, if you have not already.

2009–You are one of the kindest, sweetest people on Earth. Your family contains the best people in this world. You wanted to stay friends and I pushed you away, perhaps due to my experience a year earlier. Although we were not meant to be, I have only positive things to say about you, and your parents are awesome. I wish you a lifetime of happiness.

2010–Your illness causes you to process things the wrong way and get angry. I could not handle the volatility. Yet I did love you when we were together and you were the only one. You are a smart accomplished woman who deserves a patient man. For what it is worth, my parents loved you and really wanted you to be their daughter-in-law. You wanted to stay friends and I pushed you away. I felt I had to. I hope that the many problems you faced through no fault of your own somehow recede and allow you to lead a happy life. As silly as it sounds, the effort you put into something as simple as making me hot dogs was a reflection of your putting your heart into everything. Your inner and outer beauty were always apparent to me. Even after I wanted out, I still prayed for you and cared about you as a person. I still do.

2011–No further information will be given at this time, since I would be shocked if anybody read this far. I will just say that I am very happy and at peace.

As for a couple women that were just friends…

To that girl from Brooklyn I liked at age 11, I am so glad you are happy as a wife and mother. You always were a cool girl.

To that girl in New Jersey I adored from age 11 to age 14, I am glad we are still friends. You had a bumpy road but are now enjoying life as a wife and mother. You are one of the sweet people in this world, and deserve every ounce of happiness brought your way. You are still the coolest fashionista I know.

To that woman I lusted after when I was 18 and you were 25, for 20 years I wondered what happened to you. In 2010 I found out, and hope God brings you and your loved ones peace and happiness always. You are even hotter now in your 40s than in your 20s. I am glad we are friends.

I wish everybody a happy Valentine’s Day. More importantly, I wish you happy days today and beyond.

Without love, there is no life. May love be with you all now and forever.

eric

My animal rights heroism

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

I will not be covering the North Korea skirmish with South Korea because we do not have all the facts. It could be anything from World War III to a mistake (yeah right). Nothing should be ruled in or out.

I will also not be spending any more time on the Thanksgiving Day airport situation because my attempt to have the ladies on Desperate Housewives turned into honorary airport security for the week has failed. Without Teri Hatcher or Eva Longoria doing the frisking, I think I will stay home.

So today is a day for me to be lighthearted and thankful that I do not have to observe Gloria Allred groaning in pleasure as some sweaty behemoth plays with her granny panties.

The one man who has had the good fortune to be me is quite lucky and blessed indeed.

Those living vicariously through me have witnessed or observed my greatness.

There was the time I gave up my seat to a black woman on a bus, making me the second coming of Rosa Parks. The fact that I was getting off at that stop anyway is irrelevant.

There was also the time when I spoke to a woman without staring at her cleavage.

Yes, she was hideous, but that is immaterial. I did not look at her at all, champion of feminism that I am.

I became a hero of the gay rights movement by offering a brilliant compromise of allowing gay rights for homosexual men but condemning the behavior for lesbians. I even compromised further, allowing ugly lesbians to do as they pleased. Critics accused me of just trying to get more hot women for myself. Those critics have no idea the burden I bare being a bra burning feminist.

(I wonder who’s bra that was anyway. I hope she does not want it back.)

So it is in this vein (or vain perhaps) that I reveal my animal rights heroism.

Yes, you read that correctly. I am a hero to the animal rights movement.

Some of you may point out that I am to the right of Ted Nugent when it comes to the philosophy of beef, which is kill it and grill it.

(On Thanksgiving Thursday, stabbing a turkey with a fork is a guilty pleasure, although the turkey is already dad and quite flavorful thanks to the good makers of Swanson dinners.)

I also agree with Nugent on his philosophy of “Wang, dang, sweet (redacted),” but that is for another day.

Anyway, back to me being a hero and animal lover.

The year was 2006. I was in Honolulu. The country bar was “Nashville Waikiki.”

For those confused, I was not in Tennessee. I was in Oahu, Hawaii. It was a country music bar on Kuhio Avenue.

I saw “her.” I will not elaborate about her, because she was your standard hot raven-haired Goddess…no biggie.

Yet I know that nothing warms the hearts of most women like trees and animals. I have no idea why, but flora, fauna, and furry fuzzies make them want to visit the island of fornicatia.

As for me, if one thing gets my hackles up, it is abuse of animals. It is one thing to eat beef, but barbecuing dogs and cats is totally unacceptable!

(This is how liberals operate. They make a statement nobody could possibly disagree with, and then accuse you of being insensitive for not saying it first, meaning you do support the evil action. I am against using goat horns to violate women, which means that everybody else I dislike supports doing this and are misogynists for not taking up the cause without me “prodding” them.)

Some barbarians actually eat horse meat, which is illegal. According to my Dennis Leary handbook on animals, we are only supposed to care about the cute ones. Otters and seals get to live. Cows are steaks and baseball gloves.

Well horsies are adorable, and it is high time somebody stepped in and saved them all.

So in the spirit of protecting these noble creatures, I needed to let this brunette Goddess know how I felt about combating the evil and brutality involved with hurting these animals.

I walked toward her, and with inspiration from animal lovers Big and Rich, showed my compassion.

“Sweetness,” I said to her…

“Save a horse, ride a cowboy.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt0_oPPK6eA

With that, she understood my message. I was a lustful humanitarian.

“I saddle up my horse, and I ride into the city…

I make a lot of noise, ’cause the girls they are so pretty…

Riding up and down Broadway, on my old stud Leroy…

All the girls say ‘Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.'”

So to that cowgirl who was part Nashville, part Waikiki, and 100% brunette Goddess, I would like to thank you for helping me spread my…cause.

Even a guy who is 5 ft 5 can be tall in the (side) saddle.

I will not rest until every animal is saved or I am exhausted, whichever comes first.

No need to thank me. I was just doing what I (lusted) loved.

To all of those horses (and horses’ hides also known as animal rights activist zealots) who are alive today because she decided to save a horse and ride a cowboy, there is only one thing to say.

You’re welcome. I would do it again…and again…and again.

eric

The Next Republican Jewish Brunette…Bring it on Woman!!!

Friday, November 19th, 2010

Screw tactfulness. This is business and personal.

Apparently I am single again.

I am so busy with work that I don’t even have time to pursue women. This should never happen. Last night it occurred to me that I have a mailing list of 11,000 people. It is time to start putting you all to work.

You all know women that I don’t. Introduce me to them.

Ok, that was the easy part. Now for the hard part.

I know exactly what I want.

I want a Republican Jewish brunette who likes football.

Some of you may recall that I was recently involved with that type of woman.

As for why the relationship broke up, I am going to follow the example of one of my political heroes, George W. Bush. Criticism of the previous romantic administration will not be found here. Publicly I will say she had many good qualities, and anything negative is private and kept on lockdown.

Here are some things I have observed in terms of past relationships, so that I can clarify what I want.

“Republican Jewish brunette who likes football” is not as simple as it sounds. It leaves too much open.

Being politically right of center is a must. Yet agreeing with me is insufficient. We do not need to spend every minute of the day discussing politics, but my career is political. At any moment somewhere in the United States, I might be asked to do an event with a senator or governor, which means they fly me out and put me up in a hotel. This is what I do. I need a political wife, one who likes hobnobbing at political functions. She has to be ok with the rubber chicken circuit, and my traveling for business. We will be a political power couple.

Jewish does not mean “willing to convert.” I have been burned before. The conversion process is arduous. I want somebody already Jewish by all legal religious standards. If you had a legal conversion, that is fine. I want somebody who is proud to be Jewish. Level of religiosity is less important than simply being comfortable and happy around Jewish people. This means socializing from time to time at Jewish dinner parties, and raising Jewish children.

The wife will have 99% of the say in terms of what type of house we have. While I have a deep respect for other religions, I do not practice them and they will not be in my home.

Brunette is a preference, not a deal-breaker.

I like to watch NFL Football on Sundays. We can do whatever you want to do Monday through Saturday. On Sundays I like to watch my games. Please respect that. You can watch with me or go do something else. Complaining you are bored and unable to understand how a guy can spend his Sunday indoors is not ok.

(I love my dad, but he has said this to me many times.)

Everybody should have a passion for something, and mine is football. I play in a league as well.

So if you are politically liberal, do not tell me you are open-minded. I am not. I want a Republican woman. I have dated liberals before. If I just liked politics, that would be one thing. It is my career.

No schoolteachers or social workers. You are all bleeding heart liberals. If you are a Republican in these professions, I would be shocked, and willing to consider it. I do not get along well with people in the entertainment industry. I am willing to ogle your backside from time to time, but not snort cocaine off of it.

I am a hard-charging corporate Type A guy. I want a corporate, professional woman. I have always been attracted to Wall Street type women. Legal and medical professionals are great as well.

Most importantly, I am an extrovert. I cannot date introverts. If you are shy, quiet, and mousey, I will overwhelm you. Aggressive is fine.

You must be fun. Fun is subjective, but I have long-lasting friendships. All of my friendships are long-term. They will tell you I am a fun guy to be around, gregarious and jovial. I do not drink or smoke, but love socializing and people-watching.

My favorite cities regarding women:

1) Brooklyn–The best women in the world. Moxie!

2) Miami–South Beach rocks.

3) Deep South–Lord have mercy.

I find too many women in Los Angeles to be toxic, but will not rule it out. I can’t. I live here. There are too many women in the professions I dislike and not enough corporate women here.

Here are some things that various women have done over the years that I liked a lot.

1) Cosmic Bowling—lights low…we danced in the alley to the music.

2) July 4th–At a beach party at a house, we climbed up on the ledge and danced under the fireworks.

3) One woman grabbed my arm and took me on the dance floor. Aggressive, but I liked her moxie.

4) Halloween–Matching costumes at the freak show in West Hollywood, making friends with total strangers.

5) Hanukkah–I love Hanukkah, and so did she. I hope you do as well.

I love going to restaurants. I will dress up if I absolutely have to. I will dress up above the waist and put on a sport jacket, but jeans and sneakers thank you much.

My two main rules are…1) Don’t be shallow. 2) Don’t be crazy.

If you think you are better than the waiter serving us, get lost. If you have a variety of illnesses, I gave to charity at the office and am tapped out. I am healthy and want that in a partner.

Oh, and I eat red meat and refuse to drive hybrids. Meat tastes good and Pious (Prius) drivers are insufferable. Worse than being on the left politically, they drive slowly in the left lane.

Ok, so I said what I wanted. What am I willing to give?

A ton. If you want to be a wife and mother, I am eager to become a husband and father. I have had a great single life, but I want my partner in crime. Tell me what you want and need. The worst that can happen is I cannot give it. Not everybody is a match. I come from a good family, and my family and friends would welcome you in with open arms. Also, I have my act together. I hope you do as well.

So for those of you out there who thinks you know somebody I could be happy with, or at the very least share mutual toleration, send her my way.

After all, I am not on Facebook to play computer games. I use this site for business.

Pleasure is business, and business is personal.

Please send your recommendations privately.

Lastly, I only want one woman. I am totally into the monogamy thing.

eric

The Miami Shark and I broke up

Saturday, November 6th, 2010

The Miami Shark and I broke up.

It was an intense 5 months, and it is over.

In keeping with how I am, I will never publicly say a bad word about her. She remains an intelligent, beautiful woman with a good heart inside.

There was no alcohol or drug abuse. I did not beat her, nor was there any infidelity. She was the only one.

A part of me will always love her, but ending this relationship was absolutely the right thing to do.

We are both very intense and strong-willed individuals, and that made for passion and friction.

I hope that God gives her a lifetime of happiness.

We are both better off apart, but she will be missed.

eric

NFL 2010–Week 6 Recap

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

From my home in Los Angeles, it is time for some football.

Before getting to the NFL, my coed touch football team “Team Awesome” won their game on a quest for another championship. I was not at the game because of other engagements I had, but here is a quote from one of my teammates:

“We won 52-36 or something like that. And then we of course dominated in beer pong post-game.”

My team rocks. Now on to the NFL. Here is the Week 6 NFL Recap.

San Diego Chargers @ St. Louis Rams–Both of these teams played in Los Angeles in 1960, which shows how desperate this game needs a story line. A punt return past midfield set up a field goal to have the Rams up 3-0. Philip Rivers moved the Chargers to the red zone, but a 10 yard sack was followed by Rivers going to the end zone and getting intercepted. Sam Bradford shook of the beating from last week to throw a 38 yard touchdown pass as the Chargers remained in a hangover state from last week with the Rams up 10-0.

When Stephen Jackson ran up the middle from 6 yards out, the Rams led 17-0 in a shocker. San Diego did get a field goal just before the half to trail 17-3.

With less than 5 minutes left in the third quarter, Tolbert ran it in from 3 yards out to have the Chargers within 17-10. Early in the fourth quarter the Rams failed to get off the field on defense as Rivers completed a 3rd and 14 pass for 17 yards as the Chargers looked to tie the game. Yet from the 20, a holding penalty and a sack set up 3rd and 27. On 4th down a field goal attempt was blocked as Norvelous Norv Turner threatened to decapitate his special teams coach.

The Rams moved into very long field goal range, and Josh Brown calmly nailed a 48 yarder to have the Rams up 20-10 with 4 minutes left. Rivers immediately brought San Diego 76 yards, using only 40 seconds to do it. A 5 yard touchdown pass to Davis had the Chargers within a field goal with 3:16 to play.

With the Rams facing 3rd and 6 at their own 36 and San Diego prepared for a pass, Steve Spagnuolo had a running play executed to perfection as Stephen Jackson picked up 9 yards. On 2nd and 7, Jackson picked up 12 yards as Rivers never got back on the field and the Chargers fell to 2-4. They are Norvelous, and give the Rams credit for bouncing back after their 38 point shellacking last week. This was a big upset win, even at home. 20-17 Rams

Kansas City Chiefs @ Houston Texans–These teams could both be pretenders, showing early promise before reality sets in. The Chiefs had 3rd and 1 at the 2 when Thomas Jones got blown up in the backfield. On 4th down Matt Cassel borught back the New England glory days by rolling out and hitting Mike Vrabel for the touchdown.

Matt Schaub brought the Texans back with a long completion to Andre Johnson. On 3rd and 1 at the 9, Arriun Foster ran it for the first down to set up Schaub, who rolled out, had plenty of time, and hit Joel Dreesen in the back of the end zone as the Texans tied the game 7-7. Todd Haley decided to gamble on 4th and 1 at the Texans 43, but a false start killed the plan and the Chiefs punted.

With less than one minute left in the half, the Chiefs reached the Texans 17. Cassell fired a bullet between 2 defenders to Dwayne Bowe to have the Chiefs up 14-7.

In the third quarter a short slant pass to Dwayne Bowe resulted in Bowe criss-crossing the field and reaching the pileon for a 42 yard score to have the Chiefs up 21-7. Yet Derrick Ward broke several tackles en route to a 38 yard touchdown run to have the Texans within 21-14. Kansas City continued to run at will, but upon reaching the 10, Todd Haley called some passes that did not work. Ryan Succup nailed the 27 yard field goal to have the Chiefs leading 24-14.

With hard running by Arriun Foster, the Texans came back. With 12 minutes left in regulation, Foster took it in from 2 yards out to have the Texans within 24-21.

Yet Kansas City continued to gash Houston on the ground. Jamal Charles somehow turned a 10 yard loss into a gain, as Thomas Jones finished the smash mouth drive from 11 yards out as the Chiefs led 31-21 with 7 minutes left in the game.

Yet the Texans wouldn’t quit, and strong running by Arriun Foster allowed Foster to leap over the top from the 2 to get the Texans back within a field goal with a full 3 1/2 minutes to play and all 3 timeouts. THe key would be if the Texans could get a stop against a Kansas City running game that had run over Houston all day.

On 3rd and 2, Haley called a pass play that was incomplete as the Texans took over after a touchback with 2:22 left. Schaub hit Andre Johnson for a 31 yard gain. Defender Flowers celebrated, convinced there was offensive pass interference. He and Haley went nuts when it was ruled on the defense. Schaub went deep to Johnson, and a gorgeous touchdown catch in the back of the end zone as the Texans pulled a stunner of their own to lead by 4 with 28 seconds to play.

A 23 yard pass completion by Cassell set up the final play with 1 second on the clock from the Houston 38. The Hail Mary never left Cassell’s hand as he was sacked. The Chiefs have come down since starting 3-0, while the Texans earned a thrilling win ina  game where they trailed for most of it, showing a ton of heart for Gary Kubiak. 35-31 Texans

Baltimore Ravens @ New England Patriots–New England has been burning for revenge since the Ravens beat the daylights out of them in the playoffs last year. Joe Flacco led a ridiculous 18 play, 8 1/2 yard drive that stalled at the 9 yard line. Billy Cundiff nailed a 26 yard kick to have the Ravens up 3-0. Tom Brady quickly brought the Patriots back 66 yards, with Green-Ellis running it in from 2 yards out to have the Patriots up 7-3.

Joe Flacco brought the Ravens back, and a 16 yard touchdown pass to Todd Heap had the Ravens back on top 10-7.

In the third quarter, Tom Brady was intercepted by Chris Carr, who returned it from midfield to the New England 35. This led to Joe Flacco going to Anquon Boldin for  a 25 yard touchdown as the Ravens led 17-7. Stephen Gostkowski nailed a 38 yard field goal to have the Patriots within 17-10, but the Ravens moved from their own 9 yard line methodically down the field, reaching the New England 17 as the third quarter ended.

The fourth quarter began with the Ravens facing 3rd and 2 An incomplete pass was followed by a short field goal as the Ravens extended their lead to 20-10. Brady kept the Patriots in the game, as a 5 yard touchdown pass to Deion Branch had New England within 20-17 with 11 minutes left in regulation.

With 9 minutes left Flacco went for a quaerterback sneak from the Baltimore 47 on 3rd and 1 and got stuffed. John Harbaugh took no chances and punted. Brady moved the Patriots to a 3rd and 3 inside the 10, but an incomplete pass set up the tying field goal. With 1:51 left in the game, the Patriots deadlocked it 20-20.

Baltimore went nowhere, and a sack of Brady gave the Evil Hoodie Bill bellichick the option of a 62 yard field goal attempt or a Hail Mary. The Hail Mary was batted around in the end zone and intercepted as the game went to overtime.

Overtime was a puntfest, as neither team could get anything sustained going. With 5:19 left in overtime, the Patriots took over at their own 38. Brady hit Branch for 23 yards to the Ravens 39. On 3rd and 2, Brady hit Branch for 10 yards to the 21. At the 2 minute warning of overtime, the Patriots faced 3rd and 6 at the Ravens 17. Bellichick took no chances, bringing in Gostkowski on 3rd down fro 35 yards out. Gostkowski nailed it, and the Patriots had the hard fought win. It did not make up for the playoff loss, but another playoff game between these teams would be well worth watching. 23-20 Patriots, OT

New Orleans Saints @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers–Drew Brees hit Lance Moore deep for a 41 yard touchdown pass to have the Saints up 7-0. Brees then went deep again to Robert Meacham for 42 yards to have the Saints up 14-0 in a reality check to the Bucs. A field goal padded the lead to 17-0.

The Saints cut John Carney awhile back and turned the kicking keys over to Garett Hartley. This year Carney was brought back when Hartley failed. Now Carney has failed, and Hartley is back. He missed another kick today as Sean Payton resisted the urge to kick both of them where it hurts.

Since the kicking game was not working, the only solution for the Saints was to score touchdowns all the time like they did last year. Brees hit Heath Evans from 4 yards out as the Saints led 24-0.

Josh Freeman did throw a 2 yard touchdown pass to Michael Spurlock late in the game. The 2 point conversion failed, although down 24-6 a furious rally could have meant a changing of the guard and a dethroning of the champs. It did not happen. Ladell Betts scored from one yard out as Sean Payton saw his team make a statement. The Bucs are improved, but today was a reality check. 31-6 Saints

Atlanta Falcons @ Philadelphia Eagles–The story of Michael Vick playing against his old team would be a bigger story if Vick were actually playing. His injury pits Kevin Kolb against Matt Ryan, which could be the game of the year for the writers of the fictional Average White Guy Monthly Magazine.  Mike Smith looks like a guy named Mike Smith, and Walrus Lite Andy Reid is his coaching counterpart.

Deshean Jackson took a reverse from Kevin Kolb and raced 31 yards to the end zone to have the Eagles up 7-0.  Matt Ryans hit Jenkins for 42 yards to have the Falcons on the move, but no points came out of it. Kolb went back to Deshean Jackson, this time through the air for a 34 yard touchdown to have the Eagles up 14-0.

A missed field goal by David Akers failed to extend the lead. It did not matter as Kolb came right back and hit Jeremy Maclin from 10 yards out to have the Eagles rolling 21-0. The Eagles were on their way to 28-0 when Kolb was intercepted. Matt Ryan finally got the Falcons going late in the half, and a 1 yard touchdown pass to Tony Gonzale just before the half had the Falcons within 21-7.

Midway through the third quarter, the Falcons reached the 10 yard line before the drive stalled. A 26 yard field goal had them within 21-10. Yet Kolb struck back like lightning, going deep to Maclin for an 83 yard touchdown to have the Eagles up 28-10.

Ryan rapidly brought the Falcons 73 yards, hitting Gonzalez from 13 yards out to get within 28-17 with 5 1/2 minutes to play. Yet Kolb calmly used the clock, and a 30 yard David Akers field goal ended the scoring. 31-17 Eagles

Detroit Lions @ New York Giants–A loss today would be 24 straight on the road for Detroit, tying the NFL record originally set from 2001 to 2003 by…shockingly enough…Detroit. Tom Coughlin’s head almost exploded when the Giants fumbled the snap on a punt, giving the Lions excellent field position. A touchdown pass to Nate Burleson had the Lions up early, but battering ram Brandon Jacobs did what he does on the ground to tie the game 7-7.

Eli Manning went deep to Mario Manningham for a 33 yard touchdown pass to have the Giants up 14-7. As the half ended, Jason Hanson hit a 50 yard knuckleball that somehow made it over the crossbar to have the Lions within 14-10.

With Matthew Stafford injured, Shawn Hill had been starting. He got injured in this game, as 3rd string emergency quarterback Drew Stanton came in for the Lions.

In the third quarter, Eli Manning hit Kevin Boss for 25 yards, and a subsequent pass and defensive pass interference had the Giants inside the 10. On 3rd and goal from the 5, an incomplete pass  was nullified by an inexplicable unsportsmanlike conduct penalty giving the Giants a new set of downs. Brandon Jacobs failed to run it in twice, but on 3rd and goal from the 1, a rollout pass to Travis Beckham had the Giants up 21-10.

90 seconds into the fourth quarter, Drew Stanton from his own 13 threw a jump call to Calvin Johnson, who did what he does. He came down with it, held it up at the 40, and practically walked the final 40 yards to have the Lions within 21-17.

With 5 1/2 minutes left in regulation, the Lions were on the move, facing 3rd and 5 at midfield and primed for the upset. A pass from Stanton to Burleson went for 8 yards, but Burleson fumbled the ball and the Giants recovered at their own 42. These are the Lions. Ahmad Bradshaw ran 45 yards to the Detroit 13, and Brandon Jacobs took it in 6 yards to have the Giants up 28-17 with 3 1/2 minutes left.

Stephan Logan returned the ensuing kickoff 58 yards to the Giants 40, but a 3rd and 2 pass fell incomplete. Jim Schwartz decided to kick the 50 yard field goal since the Lions needed 2 scores and Jason Hanson is old reliable. Hanson did his job to make it an 8 point game with 2:50 to play. Schwartz decided to kick it deep rather than go for the onsides kick, and the Giants took over at their own 32. They went nowhere, and the Lions had another shot from their own 14 with 2:18 to play.

Stanton moved the Lions to the Giants 38 with 20 seconds to play. Stanton was intercepted by Antrel Rolle at the 16 to preserve the tough win for Big Blue. The Lions have tied their road loss record, while Matt Millen is happy to be out of Detroit. Then again, so are most human beings who escape that city. 28-20 Giants

Seattle Seahawks @ Chicago Bears–This game meant something in 2006. A deep pass interference penalty set up Matt Forte from 4 yards out straight up the middle to have the Bears up 7-0 early. Matt Hasselbeck hit Butler to tie the game 7-7.

Jay Cutler hit Johnny Knox on a 67 yard catch and run where Knox straddled the sideline. Cutler hit Knox again at the 12 yard line.

Hasselbeck led Seattle to 3rd and goal at the 6. A perfectly executed draw play resulted in Justin Forsett taking it up the middle for the touchdown as Seattle led 14-7. Chicago tacked on a 34 yard Robbie Gould field goal to trail 14-10.

Jay Cutler hit Johnny Knox on a 67 yard catch and run where Knox straddled the sideline. Cutler hit Knox again at the 12 yard line. A field goal had the Bears down 14-13 at halftime.

In the third quarter Cutler went back to pass in his own end zone. He got belted, fumbled and saw the Bears recover the fumble in the end zone for a safety as the Seahawks led 16-13. Marshawn Lynch eventually capped off the next Seattle drive with a short touchdown run to give Seattle breathing room at 23-13.

Miami Dolphins @ Green Bay Packers–Miami took down Favre, but at least he played. Aaron Rodgers is recovering from a concussion but was expected to play. Aaron Rodgers hit Tom Crabtree for a 33 yard gain to set up Mason Crosby for a field goal and a 3-0 Packers lead.  Yet Chad Henne hit Jahvid Best from 5 yards out to put the Dolphins up 7-3. After a Chade Henne interception, Rodgers went deep to Vonte Davis to complete an 86 yard touchdown pass that put the Packers back up 10-7. Miami added a field goal just before the half to tie the game 10-10.

Midway through the third quarter Carpenter nailed a 41 yard field goal to lead 13-10. After Rodgers was intercepted, the Dolphins faced 4th and 1 at the Green Bay 27. Tony Sparano went for it, and Ronnie Brown banged over on a tough second effort. Surprisingly, Brown was ruled down short of the sticks and the Dolphins turned it over on downs. This led to the tying field goal as the 13-13 game continued.

With 5:20 left in the game, Henne found Anthony Fasano, who took it for a 22 yard touchdown to give the Dolphins the 20-13 lead on the road. With 2:30 minutes left Rodgers completed a pass on 3rd and 15 to set up 4th and 7. Mike McCarthy decided to let the clock run down to the 2 minute warning before running a play. Rodgers hit Davis for 1st and goal at the 10. A Rodgers scramble to the 2 and a run that went nowhere set up 3rd and goal at the 2 with 22 seconds to play. It all came down to 4th and goal from the 1 with 16 seconds left.

Lining up in the shotgun, Rodgers confused the Miami defense by moving under center at the last moment and then sneaking it up the middle as the game was tied 20-20. From near midfield, Sparano decided to take a knee and play overtime rather than go for the Hail Mary.

Miami moved the ball well in overtime, and 6 minutes into the extra session, Dan Carpenter came in for a 44 yard field goal. He drilled it, and the Dolphins had the win. Tony Sparano has seen his defense gut out tough wins against Minnesota and Green Bay on the road, as they have gotten to a 3-2 record. 23-20 Dolphins, OT

Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers–Walrus Mike Holmgren has not fired Eric Mangini, who for some reason wants to see rookie Colt McCoy get killed by starting his NFL career at Pittsburgh. Big Ben is back, and this tune up game is a good way to have him ease back into professional football, if Cleveland can be considered that.

Colt McCoy had his first sack and then threw his first interception only 4 minutes into the game. Yet at the 10 yard line, Roethlisberger was intercepted by Joe Haden, who returned it 62 yards to the Pittsburgh 35. On 3rd and 3 an offsides penalty gave the Browns a first down. Phil Dawson hit a 39 yard field goal to have the Browns up 3-0 and pass Lou “the Toe” Groza as the all time leading scorer for the Browns.

Big Ben did rebound, hitting Mike Wallace for a 29 yard touchdown to have the Steelers up 7-3, which seemed too much for the Browns to overcome. Joshua Cribbs was then knocked out of the game on a helmet to helmet hit where Cribbs fumbled. Later in the half James Harrison delivered his second helmet to helmet hit, this time against Massaquoi.

In the third quarter the Steelers were backed up to their own 5. All Big Ben did was go deep to Mike Wallace for 50 yards to the Cleveland 45. Then Roethlisbergrer hit Heath Miller for 35 more yards inside the 10. A short touchdown pass to Hines Ward had the Steelers up 14-3.
This hideous game got uglier for Cleveland when Chancy Stucky fumbled a punt, giving Pittsburgh the ball at the 13. Rashard Mendenhall ran it in from the 3 to have the Steelers up 21-3.

McCoy did throw another interception in this game, but also late threw hist first NFL touchdown pass, a 12 yarder to Ben Watson. Yet Big Ben had one more touchdown pass in him today as well, a 14 yarder to Heath Miller to complete the scoring. Mike Tomlin will have plenty to criticize in this win, but the Steelers are 4-1 and looking tenacious. 28-10 Steelers

New York Jets @ Denver Broncos–Rex Ryan has his team with a Hard Knocks swagger, but Darrell Revis is injured. Josh McDaniels is on the verge of losing his team. Mark Sanchez finally threw his first interception, although it did not lead to any points. After a scoreless opening quarter, Sanchez led a 13 play, 77 yard drive that consumed 6:40. A  32 yard touchdown pass to Braylon Edwards had the Jets up 7-0. Kyle Orton led the Broncos back 80 yards, with a wildcat snap to Tim Tebow resulting ina  5 yard touchdown run and a 7-7 game. Josh McDaniels then went to his bag of tricks and the Broncos executed a successful onsides kick. Nothing came of it, as Mark Sanchez threw his second interception with less than one minute left in the half of a game only a Ryan family member could love.

On the last play of the half, Josh McDaniels had Josh Prater kick a 59 yard field goal. It must be a Josh thing, because Scobee kicked a 59 yarder for Jacksonville last week. McDaniels and Prater deserved a Scobee snack, as Prater drilled it to give the Broncos the 10-7 lead at intermission.

A defensive bonelock saw another great field goal, this time from the Jets. Rex Ryan had Nick Folk try a 56 yarder, and he drilled it to tie the game 10-10 midway through the third quarter.

Late in the third quarter the Broncos took over at their own 34, From the 39, Orton found Brandon Marshall for a 29 yard gain, with 15 more tacked on for unnecessary roughness. Orton hit Thomas for the 17 yard touchdown as Thomas barely got 2 feet down to have the Broncos up 17-10.

A game of field position and punts resulted in the Jets taking over at their own 46 with 11 minutes left in regulation. Sanchez hit Santonio Holmes for 22 yards. From the 20, old man Ladanian Tomlinson off tackle for the touchdown, tying the game with 9 minutes to play.

Denver took over at their own 20, and Orton hit Lloyd for 19 yards. On 3rd and 11 from the Jets 48, Orton scrambled for 13 yards. With 4 minutes to play, Josh Prater came in for a 48 yard field goal. He got it, and the Broncos led 20-17.

The Jets took over at their own 20. On 3rd and 5, Sanchez hit Edwards for 7 yards. On 3rd and 7 from the 35, Sanchez hit Holmes for 13 at the 2 minute warning. Everything came down to 4th and 6 from the Denver 48 with 1:26 to play. Sanchez went deep to Holmes, and defensive pass interference gave the ball at the Denver 2. Josh McDaniels went ballistic, but the penalty stood. Tomlinson carried it in as the Jets took a 4 point lead.

Sanchez and Orton had been dueling all day, and Orton had one last chance with 1:13 to play and 80 yards to cover. With 42 seconds left, the Broncos had 3rd and 6 at the Jets 44. From the shotgun, a wild snap resulted in a fumble that Gang Green pounced on for the win. The Jets talked a bunch on Hard Knocks and lost their opener at home, but they have not lost since. They are 5-1, while a reeling Denver is actually still in the hunt in the AFC Worst division where all 4 teams lost today, with all of them except Denver losing to inferior teams. 24-20 Jets

Oakland Raiders @ San Francisco 49ers–For more on the game of the day, go to http://justblogbaby.com

Every time it seems the Raiders are about to turn a corner, they lose a winnable game. A couple of weeks ago the loss to Arizona stung. Beating San Diego helps, but beating San Francisco makes the Raiders 3-3 rather than 2-4. In 2000 the Raiders went 12-4 and reached the AFC Title Game while the San Diego went 1-15. Yet the 2 games they played were one by the Raiders only 9-6 and 15-13. They were losing both games with 2 minutes to play, and needed 5 Seabass field goals to win the second one.

In 2002 the 4-0 Raiders eventually reached the Super Bowl, but not before losing to the 0-5 Rams, in Marc Bulger’s first NFL game. The ugliest loss might have been in 1993, when the 6-4 Raiders, who eventually went 10-6 and made the playoffs, lost to the 0-10 Bengals. Normally reliable Jeff Jaeger missed 4 field goals in the 16-10 loss.

So while the 49ers are 0-5, they are at home. They have come close several times, and even though they are winless, they are 6 point favorites. If the Raiders ever want to turn things around, they have to win these types of games. Tom Cable still has his team fighting hard, while Mike Singletary is perfecting his Ray Rhodes scowl without the wins to back it up.

The Raiders took over at their own 12, and Tom Cable immediately went for the gadget play. A handoff to Michael Bush was pitched back to Campbell, who went deep for Louis Murphy. While it did not result in the gain the way Al Davis loves it, defensive pass interference went for 46 yards. On 3rd and 5 from the 37, Campbell hit Michael Bush for 7 yards. On 3rd and 4 from the 24, Bush ran for 5 yards. On 3rd and 8 from the 17, Campbell scrambled for 9 yards. Yet on 2nd and goal from the 4, illegal formation killed the drive. After 8 minutes and 79 yards, the Raiders settled for a 27 yard Sebastian Janikowski field goal and a 3-0 lead.

The 49ers cross midfield but punted, and the Raiders took over at their own 9 where Campbell led another time consuming drive. On 3rd and 1 from the 18 Bush ran for 2 yards but got leveled on the play. He walked of under his own power and did return to the game. Unnecessary roughness on the next play gave the Raiders 15 more yards. The second quarter began with the Raiders at their own 45, where Louis Murphy took a handoff around the end for 43 yards to the San Francisco 12. Again the Raiders stalled, and Seabass kicked the 24 yard field goal as the Raiders led 6-0. They had run 23 plays to 5 for the 49ers, but were only one play away from losing.

The 49ers went 3 and out, but Campbell was then intercepted, giving the 49ers the ball at their own 43. The 49er did reach the Oakland 34, where the 49ers faced 4th and 5. Mike SIngeltary decided not to go for it or have Joe Nedney try the 52 yard field goal. In a curious call for an 0-5 team needing a spark, the 49ers punted. The strategy netted 14 yards thanks to a touchback. The next few possessions were unwatchable as neither team could make a first down. The Raiders do have a good defense, but the 49ers have an inept offense, with the Raiders being not much better.

The 49ers began the second half moving backward with false starts, intentional grounding, and a sack of Smith to set up 4th and 30 at their own 12. The 49ers at this point had 123 penalty yards and 108 passing yards. Singletary scowled because he does that. The Raiders took over around midfield and began with Campbell getting drilled on an incomplete pass, with offensive holding pushing the Raiders back. On 3rd and 16 Campbell got back to the original line of scrimmage as the Raiders punted for the 5th straight time, a far cry from their first 2 sustained drives. The 49ers took over at their own 9.

The 49ers began the second half moving backward with false starts, intentional grounding, and a sack of Smith to set up 4th and 30 at their own 12. The 49ers at this point had 123 penalty yards and 108 passing yards. Singletary scowled because he does that. The Raiders took over around midfield and began with Campbell getting drilled on an incomplete pass, with offensive holding pushing the Raiders back. On 3rd and 16 Campbell got back to the original line of scrimmage as the Raiders punted for the 5th straight time, a far cry from their first 2 sustained drives. The 49ers took over at their own 9.

Frank Gore picked up 10 yards on 2 carries, and on 3rd and 3 with men in his face, Smith found Crabtree for 7 yard and another first down. A wildcat snap to Gore picked up 11 more. On 3rd and 4, Smith hit Vernon Davis for another first down at the Oakland 43. On 3rd and 8, Smith hit Tedd Ginn for 19 yards to the Oakland 22.  Smith was again called for intentional grounding. This one was more controversial since Smith was not under pressure. It seemed to be a miscommunication with the receiver. Either way, it was 2nd and 20. It didn’t matter. On the last play of the third quarter, Smith went deep to Crabtree for a touchdown. The stunned Raiders trailed 10-6 and once again would have to rely on their anemic offense if they were to avoid losing another game to a winless team.

The ensuing kickoff was returned past midfield, but an illegal block brought it all the way back inside the Oakland 10. Campbell was sacked just outside the goal line, but a safety was averted. On 3rd and forever from the 1, Campbell actually thought he was Jim Plunkett throwing to Cliff Branch. He wasn’t, and after an incompletion, the only bright spot known as Shane Lechler boomed a punt, allowing the 49ers to take over at their own 43.

Singletary continued to play it basic, running the ball. The 49ers went 3 and out and the Raiders had it on their own 25 with 11 minutes left in regulation.

Cable also kept trying to run on first down as well, with Bush carrying the load for the injured McFadden. On 3rd and 8 Campbell finally completed a pass to his best receiver, tight end Zach Miller. Miller took it to the Oakland 46. Campbell then went deep to Miller. Pass was deflected by a defender, but Miller made an acrobatic catch at the San Francisco 28. Campbell avoided a sack and somehow scrambled for a couple yards, with Bush adding a couple more. On 3rd and 5 from the 22, Campbell threw incomplete. Seabass came in for a 40 yard field goal with 8 1/2 minutes left in regulation. Seabass kicked his third field goal and the Raiders trailed 10-9 in a game both teams deserved to lose.

The Raiders then had another one of their fourth quarter meltdowns that have led to 8 straight years of misery. Frank Gore ripped off a 64 yard run to the Oakland 16. After a touchdown run was called back by penalty, A touchdown pass to Davis had the 49ers leading 17-9 with 7 minutes left in a game where the lifeless Oakland offense would have been better off scrapping the team and starting with all new players except maybe Zack Miller. With Bruce Gradkowski and Darren mcFadden on the bench injured, miracles were in short supply. ‘

Campbell then did his best JaMarcus Russell imitation by avoiding a sack only to throw a pass that was actually a lateral. Luckily the Raiders fell on it. On 3rd and 14, Campbell missed a wide open short pass to Bush, who could not corral it in as the pathetic Raiders offense extended the glorious futility and punted with 6 minutes left. Apparently they used up their entire heart winning last week, as if that makes a season. With this team, perhaps it does.

The defense forced the 49ers into 3rd and 11 with 5 minutes left. Naturally Gore ran up the middle and bulled over Michael Huff for a 14 yard gain against the heartless Raiders. With 3 1/2 minutes left the Raiders took their first timeout as the 49ers faced 3rd and 7 at the Oakland 47. This time Gore was stopped, and after taking their second timeout, got the ball back at their own 13. Plenty of time remained, but these are the Raiders.

Campbell hit Miller for 7. A pass to Darrius Heyward-Bey was dropped. On 3rd and 3, Campbell threw a pass straight to Ford past the first down marker. It bounced right out of Ford’s chest, and naturally was intercepted by Takeo Spikes. The Raiders remain a gutless, heartless organization. One could blame injuries, but the 49ers were a winless team. Every time the Raiders are about to turn a corner under Cable, they don’t. He is doing what he can. The players are just pathetic when it counts. On 3rd and 1 from the Oakland 12, the entire world expected Gore to get the ball. He did, and easily picked up the first down to ice the gamr. The Raiders dropped to 2-4 in the AFC Worst division where 3-2 leads. 17-9 Raiders

Dallas Cowboys @ Minnesota Vikings–Both of these pre-season favorites to go deep into the playoffs are 1-3. Michelin Man Wade Phillips is trying to keep his job. Brad Childress is bald and Catholic, but his main toy is not Brett Favre. It is Randy Moss, who loves torturing the Cowboys to punish Jerry Jones for not drafting him. Jones learned his lesson, vowing never again to let character be an issue in hiring.

One of the reasons Minnesota lost the NFC Title Game last year was their inability to execute a simple handoff. From just past midfield, Brett Favre tried to hand off to Adrian Peterson, which resulted in a fumbled exchange between 2 players with a history of fumbles. Dallas took over, and on 3rd and 6 from the Minnesota 15, Tony Romo hit Roy Williams for the touchdown as Matt Millen must have been smiling somewhere with the Cowboys up 7-0.

Yet Romo was later intercepted, giving Minnesota the ball at the Dallas 16. On 3rd and 4, Favre hit Greg Camarillo for the tying score. Early in the second quarter Romo went deep to Miles Austin for a 73 yard touchdown. However, like a Kardashian relationship, it was quickly nullified as Austin was called for offensive pass interference. However, the Cowboys finally got going very late in the half. From 3 yards out with 32 seconds left in the half, Romo hit Williams in the back of the end zone to have the Cowboys up 14-7.

The Cowboys kicked off to start the second half, and Percy Harvin did it again. 95 yards to what Stuart Scott calls the Hizzy had the game tied at 14-14. Jerry Jones threatened to burn down the stadium before being reminded that it was a road game and he does not own the Metrodome.

With 6 minutes remaining in the third quarter, a field position game gave the Vikings the ball just past midfield. Harvin ran around right end for 11 yards. On 3rd and 4 Favre hit Kleinsasser for 12 yards down to the 12. On 3rd and 1 from the 3, Peterson picked up 2. Peterson carried the final yard to put the Vikings up 21-14 with less than one minute left in the third quarter.

The fourth quarter began with the Cowboys facing 3rd and 2 at their own 43. Romo hit Jason Witten for 17 yards. On 4th and 1 from the Minnesota 31, Marion the Barbarian Barber picked up 2 yards. On 3rd and 12, Romo went deep to rookie Dez Bryant, who earned his paycheck with the tying touchdown with 10 1/2 minutes to play.

With Tony Romo and Brett Favre, the question would be which quarterback would throw the losing interception. With 7 1/2 minutes left, the answer appeared to be Romo. Henderson picked him off, and the Vikings took over at the Dallas 30.

Childress was not taking any chances, as Favre only threw 19 passes all game. Despite tendinitis in the elbow, he completed 14 of them. On 3rd and 3 from the 23, Favre hit Randy Moss for 5 yards. Ryan Longwell kicked a 38 yard field goal as the Vikings took the lead with 4 minutes to play.

Dallas went 3 and out, and with 2 1/2 minutes to play Wade Phillips decided to punt on 4th and 5 from his own 25. The Vikings took over on their own 25. On 3rd and 6 from the 29, Favre fired incomplete but defensive pass interference went for 11 yards and kept the drive alive. That was the difference as the Cowboys did not get the ball back until 13 seconds remained, from their own 7. Despite many laterals, 93 yards were not covered as Minnesota remained in the hunt at 2-3 while the Cowboys fell to 1-4. Jerry Jones is prepared to burn every copy of the Dallas Morning News. 24-21 Vikings

Indianapolis Colts @ Washington Redskins was the Sunday night game. Even with Donovan McNabb, Mike Shanahan wants to establish the run. Peyton Manning would throw it every play if necessary, which may or may not bother Jim Calwell since it is hard to read a man who is perpetually expressionless.

Washington won the toss and Shanahan actually deferred. This is odd because most coaches want to wait as long as possible for Manning to take the field. The Colts were actually forced to punt on their opening drive, but McNabb was then intercepted. Manning then needed one play to connect with Pierre Garcon for a 57 yard touchdown and a 7-0 Colts lead.

The teams exchanged punts, and the Redskins took over at their own 11. McNabb needed 5 minutes to calmly go 89 yards. 11 yard passes to Cooley ad Armstrong was followed by a 16 yard Torain run. McNabb hit Santana Moss for 18 yards and Torain for 9 more, before Torain took it the final 9 on the gorund to tie the game 7-7.

The Colts took over at their own 16, and began the second quarter at their own 41.  Manning hit Reggie Wayne for 12 yards and Garcon for 14 more. From the 5, out of the shotgun, he hit Austin Collie for the score to have the Colts up 14-7. Manning moved the Colts on their net drive from their own 14 to a 4th and 2 at the Washington 20. Caldwell decided on the 38 yard field goal, but Vinatieri missed it.

The Colts got the ball back at their own 22 with 5 minutes left in the half. Manning continued his passing clinic, hitting Collie for 9 and Garcon for 1, sandwiched around a 14 yard Addai run. On 3d and 1 from the Washington 25, Addai was stopped. With 2 minutes left in the half, Caldwell decided again not to gamble on 4th and 1, and this time Vinatieri connected from 43 to have the Colts up 17-7.

McNabb moved the Redskins from their own 38 to the Indy 30, but a 48 yard field goal attempt by Graham Gano was no good. 24 seconds still remained in the half, and the Colts were on their own 38. Manning hit White Perfectly for a 19 yard gain to the 30, but Vinatieri from 48 hit a golf shot that sliced somewhere into Chicago no good. It appeared to have been partially blocked. McNabb took a knee rther than try the Hail Mary as the Colts led 17-7 at intermission.

90 seconds into the third quarter, the Colts took over at their own 16. Manning was sacked, an a fumble was recovered by the Redskins at the Indy 13. McNabb hot Cooley for 8, and on 3rd and 2 at the 5, hit Cooley again for 4 more. From the 1, Torain banged it in to get the Redskins within 17-14.

The Colts came right back as Addai rambled 46 yards to the Washington 20. On 3rd and 3 from the 13, Addai banged his way up the middle, and near the goal line actually got knocked forward into the end zone to rapidly have the Colts back on top 24-14.

The Colts appeared poised to take command but gave the Redskins another opportunity to get back in the game when Moore had his second fumble of the game on a punt return. The Redskins took over at the Indy 40, and Torain took a handoff 26 yards to the 14. A sack of McNabb ended the drive, but Gano connected from 39 to get the Redskins within 24-17 with 4 minutes left in the third quarter.

The Colts again had a chance to salt the game away when the fourth quarter opened with the Colts facing 2nd and 4 at the Washington 28. Addai got the carry and the first down before being drilled by London Fletcher. The Redskins recovered the fumble as Addai stayed down on the ground.

The Redskins could not capitalize, and the Colts finally got the offense going again.  On 3rd and 10 from the Washington 24, a perfectly executed draw play set up 4th and 1 from the 15. Again, Caldwell was not taking any chances, as Vinatieri connected from 33 to have the Colts up 27-17 with 8 1/2 minutes left in the game.

McNabb brought the Redskins back with several short passes. McNabb turned into Houdini as several near sacks turned into completions. From the 10, McNabb avoided a sack, scrambled around the end, and made it into the end zone. However, offensive holding brought the touchdown back. McNabb hit Williams for the touchdown, and it stood. McNabb was 10 for 11 to complete the 92 yard drive in 12 plays. The Redskins were within a field goal with 2:46 to play. They had all of their timeouts.

Shanahan decided to kick it deep. From the 20, Caldwell decided to have Manning keep throwing rather than run the ball and force Washington to use the timeouts. Yes, Manning is amazing, but this was questionable. 3 straight incompletions meant 4th and 10 and the Redskins getting the ball back with all of their timeouts with only 11 seconds coming off of the clock.

The Redskins took over with 2:13 to go at their own 38. On 2nd and 5 the Colts finally sacked McNabb, forcing the Redskins to burn heir first timeout. On 4th and 10, with 1:40 to play, McNabb went for the bomb into double coverage and overthrew everybody. It was curious play calling by Shanahan, although the Redskins still had a pair of timeouts.

This time a pair of runs went nowhere. The Colts faced 3rd and 10 with 1:30 to play and the Redskins out of timeout. As expected, the Colts ran it safely and the clock wound down. With one second on the play clock from the Washington 38, a field goal was too long. The Colts took an intentional delay of game, and the punt resulted in a touchback. McNabb had 32 seconds to work with try and tie or win the game.

McNabb went deep and Francisco leapt in the air and made a stunning one handed interception. A few more inches and it could have been a touchdown. Instead Manning knelt down and the Colts had finally survived. Manning and McNabb entered the league in consecutive years, have both been NFL MVPs, and shared a warm hug at midfield. 27-24 Colts

Tennessee Titans @ Jacksonville Jaguars was the Monday night game. Jeff Fisher and Jack Del Rio know defense, and both of their quarterbacks Vince Young and David Garrard have shown brilliance and ineptitude at times as a pair of 3-2 division rivals slugged it out. The winner would be in a 3 way tie for first place while the loser would be in last one game back.

Young went right to work, hitting Kenny Britt for 10 yards and Bo Scaife for 28 more. A facemask penalty on the defense tacked on 15 more, and a 23 yard touchdown pass to Britt had the Titans up 7-0 less than 2 1/2 minutes into the game.

The next time Tennessee had the ball, Vince Young got hit and left the game with a bad leg. Kerry Collins came in and quickly fired a completion to tie Dan Fouts for 10th all time in completions. Collins led Tennessee to a 13-3 record in 2008, so the Titans were not going to the practice squad.

The defenses took over, and the first big break occurred when Garrard was intercepted at midfield by Griffin, who returned it to the Jacksonville 37. Chris Johnson picked up 5, and Collins hit Scaife for 11 more. On 3rd and 2 from the 13, Collins hit Scaife at the 1. On 3rd and goal from the 2, Collins hit Scaife again to put the Titans up 14-0 midway through the second quarter.

Things got worse for Jacksonville as Garrard got belted on a third down incompletion. A short punt had the Titans starting at the Jaguars 44. On 3rd and 3 from the 25, an incomplete pass was nullified by defensive holding. The drive stalled at the 8 yard line, and Rob Bironas nailed a 26 yard field goal to have the Titans up 17-0 with just over 2 minutes left in the half.

It became a game of backup quarterbacks when recently acquired Buffalo castoff Trent Edwards came in for Garrard. Edwards finally got the Jaguars going in the 2 minute drill, moving them to the Tennessee 15 with 45 seconds left in the half. Yet a completed pass was fumbled away at the 10, ending the threat.

The second half was a virtually unwatchable slog. Edwards was quickly intercepted giving the Titans the ball at the Jaguars 33. Bironas kicked another field goal to make it 20-0 Titans. Edwards moved the Jaguars to a critical 3rd and goal at the 3. He was then sacked for a 12 yard loss. Del Rio opted for the field goal to avoid the shutout, and Scobee connected from 33 to have the Jaguars on the board.

The Titans took over at their own 27 with 7 minutes left in the third quarter. One minute into the fourth quarter, facing 4th and 1 at the Jacksonville 18, Fisher opted for the field goal, which Bironas connected on from 36.

Jacksonville took over at their own 22 and Edwards led an 8 minute drive, which is not good when a  team is down by 20. On 4th and 1 from the Titans 20, Edwards picked up 2. On 4th and 1 from the 9, Edwards picked up 2 more. On 4th and goal at the 1, Edwards pass to Underwood. The pass was right in his body. The sure touchdown was bobbled, and ripped out of Underwood’s hands for an interception and a touchback.

Although the game was garbage, Jacksonville did not even get the garbage touchdown. They did give up one, however. With Tennessee just trying to run out the clock facing 4th and 5 at the Jaguars 35, Chris Johnson broke loose all the way to the end zone to end the lack of suspense. Tennessee is 4-2 and Jacksonville is 3-3, after doing little to interest the home crowd. 30-3 Titans

Last year we had a pair of 13-0 teams, one in each conference. This year nobody made it to 4-0. In the NFC, every single team has at least 2 losses. The wild ride that is the NFL continues.

eric

Cathy–Farewell and Good Riddance

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

“Ca-li-forn-ia gurls are un-re-li-a-ble, fro-sted flakes with nuts on top…

Doc-tor Spock would find this song i-llo-gi-cal, oh no oh noooooo…”

For those wondering how the heck Katy Perry (whoever she is) stumbled onto this blog, it is because finally somebody has offered something that is as vacuous and vapid as Barack Obama. Even by California standards, a song celebrating the lack of substance in California has been outdone.

In fact, it might be one of the five most substanceless offerings in the history of words, and the only phrase not offered by Mr. Obama

(Although I can picture him at a Barbara Boxer fundraiser telling the crowd “West Coast Represent!” Boxer would pretend to know what he was talking about.)

The other phrases are “hope,” “change,” “yes we can,” and “Girl Power!”

Ok, I admit it, Mr. Obama did not say the last one. That was the Spice Girls. It is so easy to get confused when one offers meaningless slogans. They all blend in to one giant ball of shallowness.

This brings me to the queen of shallow, a fictional woman who after three decades of babbling and complaining about nonsense will finally be leaving us.

Cathy is saying goodbye on October 3rd for good. Cathy Guisewite (the cartoonist) will still live, but her cartoon character Cathy will go.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/13/books/13arts-AFTER34YEARS_BRF.html

Men everywhere should high five over this.

I have nothing against Cathy Guisewite. I have never met her. Her comic strip was apolitical, and certainly not mean. She could very well be a lovely human being.

Yet “Cathy” represented everything that could possibly be wrong with women. If one were to take every negative quality about women and somehow combine them into one gigantic disastrous train wreck, Cathy would be it.

(Men have plenty of bad qualities. We just don’t brag about them in print.)

Cathy was neurotic, obsessing over her weight and her inability to get her boyfriend to marry her. Then he did marry her, loved her just the way she was, and she responded by remaining as obsessive and compulsive as ever. Many times poor Irving would wonder what exactly he did wrong, and why she was upset for no particular reason.

For those who want to save hundreds of thousands of dollars on therapy bills, let me help save people money.

Men are literal creatures. If you want to understand us, take the words at face value.

Comedian Chris Rock phrases it in a very tactless manner. “Men want three things…food…sex…silence…feed me, f*ck me, and shut the f*ck up.”

I am going to be more tactful (for once).

I am a simple guy. Think of me as the doll with the string in the back. You pull the string. It only says three or four things. “I’m hungry.” “I’m thirsty.” “I’m sleepy.” “I want to watch the ballgame.”

(It says one other thing but again I am trying to be tactful here.)

If I am upset because my team lost, it does not mean I think the woman in my life is fat or ugly. It really does mean that I get way too worked up over football. Yeah, guys take this stuff hard.

Picture a conversation taking place between couple all across the globe.

Woman: How do I look in this outfit?

Man: (I am never going to get out of this conversation alive).

You look beautiful (a sincere answer).

Woman: What does that mean?

Man (oh dear lord here we go. My evening is about to get ruined.)

It means you look beautiful.

(This is followed by questions that make a presidential press conference after a scandal look like a walk in the park. The man gets in trouble, wondering how a compliment could go so wrong.)

Again, men have plenty of flaws. Belching in public (which I never do…I am civilized) is not a rite of male passage. It is bad manners.

Some guys are abusers. They abuse women physically, sexually, and psychologically. These men should be locked in a cage where guys like myself can beat the daylights out of them while yelling at them, “Stop messing it up for the rest of us!”

The difference is that men actually try to hide their flaws. If they don’t, they should.

Cathy Comic, who I understand does not represent all women (too many of them, even if not a plurality) celebrates the woman as an insecurity driven lunatic. She even bought a dog as a replacement for the baby that would “never” come. I felt for the dog.

Look, if I go bald, I may have to sell my family for Rogaine. Or I can be sane and accept what life offers. I gained a few pounds and did what people should do in that situation…I bought bigger clothing.

Cathy took pride in her neuroses. This had the effect of many women looking at Cathy and thinking, “I can relate, girlfriend.”

This is not something to be proud of. Driving everybody around you crazy because of neuroses is not positive. Cathy cannot and should not ever be accepted as the norm for female behavior. If it is, the war between the sexes will become Armageddon. Ironically, the women will be mad when we try to fight and also when we try to surrender.

Life is about decisions, and most decision matrices have right and wrong decisions. Yet in the world of Cathy, every decision Irving made was wrong. If “A” is wrong and “Not A” is also wrong, is it no wonder that the Irvings of the world beat their heads against the wall?

I know some will claim that I am playing the role of Dan Quayle criticizing Murphy Brown (he was right, Candace Bergen was smug), but Cathy cannot be “just fictional” and also “resonate.”

Too many women today are nuts. Part of it is the feminist mistake of the 1970s that told them that they did not need men.

(Ironically while many of these women became spinsters, the original flaming feminist leaders happily settled into marriage. They also married upward. There is no sin in finding security in wealthy men, but the hypocrisy was typical outraged activist behavior.)

(A deeper irony was that Cathy was no feminist. The feminists probably hated her for caring what others thought.)

Men and women need each other. We are better off when we communicate with each other in a normal manner. This involves listening to each other.

Yet listening and being tolerant does not mean accepting lunacy. I am not your father or your brother or your ex-girlfriend. I am a totally different guy. The fact that a guy with a goatee and glasses made you feel bad 10 years ago does not mean I will.

For those who think I am projecting my own experiences, I have been one of the lucky ones. Most of the relationships I have had have been healthy. We did not get married, but I did not think they needed to be committed to a mental institution. My grandparents were happy. My parents are happy. I am a basically happy guy.

My friends have not always been so lucky.

I just cannot look at Cathy and think that anything positive can come from her bizarre behavior. It certainly does not make for healthy relationships.

Dysfunction does not have to be the norm. Lunacy does not have to be the order of the day. Constant hassles over nonsense does not need to be what life is about.

As one of my male friends, who married a normal (yes they do exist) woman, once said, “I like coming home to her.”

My parents have a refrigerator magnet that says “happiness is being married to your best friend.” I am sure it helps matters that my mother is not crazy.

I will say for the Milli Vanillionth time that there are plenty of things men can do to improve. This certainly includes me.

Yet if women want a good head start on making things better on their end, be the anti-Cathy.

Observe her, and never be like her.

Cathy, you were not a bad (fictional) person. You were never malicious. You had a good heart.

You were just crazy.

You should have been locked up years ago or given enough sedatives to calm you.

After 34 years, maybe it is time for women to observe a better role model. Between a neurotic weight obsessed lunatic and a model stick figure who is an anorexic’s dream, there is a middle ground. A great example would be “Sally Forth.”

Sally is a wife, mother, and ardent feminist. Yet her husband is not a Phil Donahue pansy (although he does hide on the really bad days, which is understandable). Sally is not a ranting, raving momzilla. Sally is a great portrayal of a woman as a moderate feminist…proud to be female, assertive, yet pleasant.

Goodbye Cathy. Do not let the door hit your rumpus on the way out.

As for your rumpus, I have no comment whatsoever. I don’t make any comments where there are only wrong answers that will take years off my life while allowing me to catch your contagious insanity.

As a friend of mine (who happened to be black) said to me a decade ago, “The differences between black and white are nothing compared to the differences between men and women. As long as you are a man, there is a chance I can understand you.”

May gender relations somehow get better before everyone is miserable and all hope for happiness is extinguished.

It starts by celebrating healthy minds and quarantining the damaged ones far away from the dating and marriage pools.

Screwed up people almost never get better. They only drag the healthy people down.

Cathy was not funny. She was destructive.

Goodbye Cathy. Farewell and good riddance.

eric

The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2010

Monday, June 21st, 2010

Today is June 21st, the first day of Summer. Every June 21st the Tygrrrr Express lets unimportant issues such as war, pestilence, and economic turmoil take a back seat until the next day.

The first day of Summer is where I reveal my annual list of the top 30 women in politics, also known as the top 120 political yummy bouncies.

Unlike the Miss America pageant, this is strictly a beauty contest.

Here are past winners and musings from the blogosphere on other nominees.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2009/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies-of-2009/

http://rightwingnews.com/mt331/2009/06/the_10_hottest_liberal_women_i.php

http://www.elistmania.com/still/18_hot_female_politicians/showall/

As is the case every year, finding enough liberals was difficult. Finding enough independents was next to impossible. There was an overdose of conservatives.

Here are the liberals.

10) Jennifer Turner–She is an Islamist, also known as an ACLU human rights advocate. She is the only woman on the list without a picture. This is not due to her support of Jihadists. I do not let suicide bombers get in the way of judging hot women. I simply cannot find a picture. I met her in real life, and her lack of logical reasoning is matched by her spectacular appendages. She would be shot to death if she dressed that way in the Arab nations she champions.

9) Tanya Acker–I thought she was a supermodel when I met her on a plane. She is a smart, accomplished, nice woman who is also a fierce debater.

8) Christine Pelosi–Her mother is detestable. She is delectable. Perhaps she is adopted.

7) Kirsten Gillibrand–The accidental New York Senator is prettier than Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer combined, even if her rump roast cannot match Hilldawgs.

6) Kirsten Powers–A pair of Kirstens made the list. This one is one of the honest liberals out there, although the bar is low. Her last name reflects what her body possesses.

5) Maria Cantwell–The Washington State Senator is gorgeous and wealthy. That is an enticing combo.

4) Sarah Silverman–Only a woman as hot as Sarah could get away with the filth that comes from her mouth. She actually told young people to threaten to boycott their grandparents unless they voted liberal.

3) Tamara Holder–She helps dead people vote and supports corruption. Translation: She is a Chicago civil rights attorney. Even community organizers can be sexy.

2) Leslie Marshall–This fiery radio host could be an underwear model. Instead she just offers scorched Earth liberalism, with a smile.

1) Contessa Brewer–This MSNBC host is your standard leftist basket case. She actually lamented when a terrorist turned out to be a Radical Islamist, as if that was a surprise. Who cares? She is hot.

http://www.dinarius.com/commentable/images/41.jpg


http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Z1B85CATCYU/SIDjGNSMhJI/AAAAAAAAAN8/BWfyrDcUqhQ/s400/ChristinePelosi-12.jpg

http://the44diaries.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/kirsten-gillibrand.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XWMHOKSnvhg/RfYzGKZaZII/AAAAAAAAAmQ/KUj3bK_RQHE/s400/kirsten+powers.jpg

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JGL1d34UldU/SyhX7cHyjGI/AAAAAAAAB-M/W_wBOZ08SXE/s400/Maria+Cantwell.jpg

http://jayfingers.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/1388603579_787db23cc92.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_NPeIdlHaoaQ/SzIqsYd9gyI/AAAAAAAAFu8/aOrEEhO_mnc/s400/Tamara

http://www.lesliemarshall.us/images/fullLeslie_new.jpg

http://media.photobucket.com/image/contessa%20brewer/anchorbabes/contessabrewer5.jpg

Here are the independents:

10) Rachel Uchitel–Although she is not really political, she is the Ashley Dupree of this list. She was the first Tiger Woods mistress to come forward, giving her the distinction of being the first woman to ever make anybody have a reason to actually care about golf.

9) Juju Chang–This Good Morning America correspondent may not get me to watch her show or any show at that unheavenly hour, but those waking up at the crack of dawn should enjoy her.

8) Dawn Fratangelo–This NY correspondent has had a ton of pain in her life, so I will tread lightly. I hope somehow she finds inner peace to match her outer beauty.

7) Robin Meade–An attractive journalist who actually keeps her opinions to herself. hat is refreshing and admirable.

6) Anita McNaught–Her aristocratic accent combines nicely with her serious demeanor and seriously good looks.

5) Tammy Bruce–She insists that she is a lesbian, but I suspect that is a ploy to keep men away. Of course, if the women she has sex with are also hot, they will make future lists.

4)Campbell Brown–She might not make the list next year since she quit her CNN show. She is as dignified as my conducting this list is undignified.

3) Kiran Chetry–When a Fox News lady faces too much competition, she goes to CNN and wins hands and legs down.

2) Lauren Sivan–This Fox News anchor is simply smoldering.

1) Dagan McDowell/Maria Bartiromo–Dagan McDowell is Scarlett O’Hara on Wall Street.  Maria Bartiromo is the CNBC Money Honey. The financial collapse did not keep them from rocketing to the top of the list in this column.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/12/27/article-0-07B29D86000005DC-166_468x635.jpg

http://a.abcnews.go.com/images/Politics/abc_juju_chang_090116_main.jpg

http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Bylines/mugs/NBC%20News/nbc_fratangelo_dawn_061019.vsmall.jpg

http://globalgrind.com/i/CIT/I66/243/7.334168.jpg

http://images.usatoday.com/news/_photos/2006/08/16/fox.jpg

http://www.tammybruce.com/

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/brown.campbell.html

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/KiranChetry/

http://www.foxnews.com/bios/talent/lauren-sivan/

http://www.daganmcdowell.com/

http://dealbreaker.com/_old/images/entries/maria_bartiromo_cnbc.jpg

While the conservatives are bombshells, the real bombshells come in the form of who…and who is not…on the list.

Andrea Tantaros and Mary Katharine Ham are not on the list.

No, I have not lost my marbles. This is an election year. There are so many new women that the Republican list is entirely new, with not a single name from last year.

Even Shannon Doherty, the Republican brunette goddess who will most likely win the lifetime political yummy bouncy award if I ever create one, did not make the cut. Dancing with the Stars is not political, despite the performance of Tom Delay.

Judith Regan did not make the list because she has been keeping a low profile. South Carolina Gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley did not make the cut because the list was compiled before she lit up the screen.

With that, here are the conservatives.

10) KT McFarland–I know, people will say I am off my rocker on this one. There is just something sexy about a Neocon Reaganite at any age.

9) Harris Faulkner/Megan Kelly–These Fox News correspondents combine toughness with pleasantness. Ph yeah, and they are hot, with Faulkner being a former beauty queen winner.

8) Marsha Blackburn/Mary Bono Mack–A blonde from Tennessee and a brunette from Palm Springs. They make a great Congressional pair. I would insert a tactless remark here, but they are good Republican women who deserve better.

7) Pam Bondi–She is running for the attorney general job in Florida. She is so tough and hot that she should change her name to Pam Bondage. I could picture her in charge of the penal code any day of the week.

6) Elizabeth Halseth/Mande Wilkes–They are running for the state legislature in Nevada and South Carolina respectively. Elizabeth is adorable, while Mande says inappropriate things ina  way that makes me proud.

5) Stevie Rae Rivenbark–Miss Wilmington nearly became Miss North Carolina.

4) Mary Smith–This Denver political consultant has a non-descript name but as descriptively lovely as it gets.

3) Melissa Goodwin/Laurie Ingram–These ladies are both politicos in Bastrop, Texas. One is running for judge, the other treasurer. A hot judge and a hot money lady makes for Bastrop being the best county in Texas, if not America.

2) Mattie Fein–She is a Republican Jewish brunette who is tough on Iran. That alone makes her worthy of a good paddling. She will be the hottest woman in the history of Congress if she can overthrow the mullahs by batting her eyelashes.

1) Samantha Cameron–The Carla Bruni/Segolene Royal role this year goes to the wife of British Prime Minister David Cameron. Shockingly enough, powerful men have hot wives. The last thing Britain needs is another sex scandal, but with this woman an exception must be made.

http://juliemenin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/kt-mcfarland-2.png

http://www.foxnews.com/bios/img/headshot_faulkner.jpg

http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlDC/original/megynkelly32.jpg

http://blogs.commercialappeal.com/the_shelf_life/Marsha%20Blackburn-pointing.jpg

http://inlandpolitics.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/bono-mack.jpg


http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JQJmQlJQihY/SyPgHdx9PQI/AAAAAAAAGgY/1pdIBYBKLyw/s640/PAM+BONDI+ATTORNEY.jpg

http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site577/2009/0916/20090916_083147_fein_200.jpg


http://www.525group.com/eblasts/ehalseth_images/Web-Header_eBlast.gif

http://fitsnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/mande2-m.jpg

http://www.missflorida.org/images/2005/Miss/First%20Coast%2005.jpg

http://www.bigredtoybox.com/networkpages/marysmith.jpg

http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/statesman/election/2006/melissa_goodwin.jpg

http://www.laurieingrambastrop.com/

http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site577/2009/0916/20090916_083147_fein_200.jpg

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00003/1008_cameron2_280x247_3502a.jpg

When all is said and done, only one set of political yummy bouncies truly captivates me, and a picture will not be provided. The Miami Shark is the most stunning Republican Jewish brunette on Earth, with her liking football only enhancing everything else.

When I sleep at night, I do not count sheep. I count her yummy bouncies.

4…8…12…zzzzz

eric